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Tragedy, a pistachio epic.

a guest May 19th, 2017 66 Never
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  1. I was casually eating some top tier salted and roasted pistachios while kicking back in front of a twitch stream. They're pretty damn delectable, I'm just dropping shells right where I took them from. Inevitably, I found the one tight arsed whoreson pistachio that was sealed off tighter than a christian virgin. I bite into it, soon realising I'm a fucking fool risking nonconsensual dental surgery when I have my multi-tool about 250mm from my left hand. I whip that sucker open ready to make the pistachio scream for mercy. Gently applying pressure to the carapaced seed, I realise he still has some fight left in him. Without warning or hesitation the outer casing of the nut explodes with the force of a pipe bomb, spewing organic shrapnel across my room. As my awareness returns to me, the echoes of the shells hitting the hardwood of the computer desk resonate through my ears. My hand is frozen holding the pliers at a perfectly pistachio sized opening in the jaws. He did not plan on giving me any second chances. As I sweep the pulverised remains off my shaken body, I notice something. A small, shrivelled, exposed core of the nut lies unscathed amidst the chaos. This piece of shit was inedible and this whole ordeal was for nothing.
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