Risk (Hanako)

Ikezawa Hanako - Saturday May 12th
My Mental Diary: I'll Be Sure To Write It Down Later...


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Why did Lilly have to make me come to class today... she probably knows I can't focus on my work...
...but I guess she thinks that it's best that I try anyways. I don't know why I'm taking notes.. I just keep thinking about how I'm trying not to think... and Hisao answers almost all of the questions, I don't even need to pay attention to what I'm writing... I don't really-
"Ikezawa? Do you know?"
Oh no.. what's the last thing I put down... Don't stutter...
Everybody's looking...please don't look...
Why did he ask me, he knows I can't...
"FE is... i-iron..."
"That's right. Excellent work."

I should leave... but they'll look at me again. I'll just keep writing, and... they'll look away soon.
I hope I don't cry... stop it stop it...

Finally the bell... my heart shouldn't still be beating this fast, it feels uncomfortable.... I need to go now I don't care if I'm the first one up. No one talk to me please... I need to find Lilly... I don't understand why they talk to me, just leave me alone please...



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She's not here in her classroom either? Why would she not go to our tea room... why didn't I see her in the hall... I'll try again and...try the library...
"Ikezawa? Are you there?"
Oh no, who is it?
She's in... Lilly's class?... should I answer? I don't want to... but maybe she knows where Lilly is...
"Y-yes..."
"Oh good. I'm supposed to let you know that Lilly's going out for a meeting with other class reps. They'll be out for an hour or so."
I think she's been waiting while I looked around the halls... and probably calling out to see if I was here...
...not see....
"Thank... you...."
I'll make my footsteps a little louder so she'll know I'm going... please don't say anything else.. you seem nice, thank you for waiting... I'm sorry...

I'll go to the library then...



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This book is okay I guess, I don't really care... I keep catching myself trying to get into it...
Stop... that... I don't want to think today... please just let me think about the story... please just not today...
...
Who is-

Hakamichi? No..oh no, not her.. she doesn't stop staring... but I have to look because she can't-
A note?

"Would you please help me with some quick computer work? You know how to use one, don't you?"

If I say no then she'll... ...at least it should be quiet there... she's on her own right now.
Do I just nod?...



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"These numbers from each class need to go into this spreadsheet. Do you understand?"

I think this is what she wants...
.... ....good... it's a little better when she smiles like that...
I don't have to be scared...
Don't have to be scared... just please stop looking...



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Okay, that was easy - oh... I didn't even think about...
Mom...
Oh no, how long has she been staring? Another note... this must be annoying for her...

"That looks perfect, thank you."

Please stop staring...
Um...
What does that look mean?... Is she worried about me?.. Do I look sad right now... if I smile she'll know I'm lying...
What's she writing?...

"How do you feel?"

What do I do... talking like this would take forever..
And I don't want to...
I just want to read...
...
...

Oh no, how long have I been sitting and thinking... What's she doing...
Chess?
She's probably very good, I wonder if I could... I'll just nod.. I guess.



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This is difficult... reading the library's chess books doesn't really help when you're actually against someone. She must play more often, too. I should probably keep her queen trapped there but.. I'll lose if I keep waiting, I should try to take it. But then if she moves that knight..
... huh?
Why is she staring...

"..."
"Are you feeling alright?"

I think that's what she's trying to say...just nod...
I think she knows what I'm-
Oh, because she's the student council president... she must have a file...
Talking to people doesn't help, I'm still going to be thinking about-

"..."
"It's your turn."

That's why I don't like to think about things like this, I can't...
...
She's smiling again, I don't think I usually see her smiling, even though I don't look very often...
Oh, my move... she left her knight there, I guess she's really determined. This probably won't work but I'll just attack the queen I guess, I can't beat her anyways...
I just want to go...
Where's Lilly...



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I knew she would win, but I did okay. I wonder if she was letting me do better...
Is she setting them up again...

"..."
"Play again?"

What do I do.. I can't tell her no, she'll want to know why, I'll have to write it, she'll ask and ask and I just want to go find Lilly. I want Lilly, why is this happening today, why won't she just let me get up and go, I did what she wanted. What's she-
No, no, I can't cry, please stop, please stop, please stop...

She's getting up... oh no, she knows I'm crying, please let me go home, mommy please... where's Lilly?

"Lilllly...."



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I feel better... I can move...
I'm glad nobody came into the room... even Lilly. I don't want her to be embarrassed of me... she doesn't have to always take care of me... And she doesn't like Shizune that much, if she came in on us when I was crying...
I don't want her to let go yet, I wish I could be hugged more... it would make me feel better...

...oh, I wonder if...
Where's the paper...

"Did Lilly ask you to find me today?"

"No. But I know about tomorrow, and I thought I'd try to help. It's my responsibilty to look after the class, you know!"

Shizune is being so nice now... if she could be here every time that I...
Would she do that? She's kind of acting like a mother actually, tries to help me feel better... a bit...

...I need to go before Lilly comes back. Maybe she's already back, how long have I been crying?
Oh..

"Are you going?"

"Yes. Will you play me again tomorrow?"

"Of course! You can bring Lilly, too. I promise I'll be nice. We'll order out some food, there's leftover money for it."

We'll be able to play a lot since it's Sunday.
I think.... it'll be fun.
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