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Axe Anon I

Dec 29th, 2015
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  1. >A distant roar is the vanguard of your awakening
  2. >Your eyes snap open and you quickly check the room
  3. >Your hand reaches over to grab the axe resting on the wall as you look for monsters/intruders
  4. >One can never be too careful in the Everfree forest after all
  5. >Seeing that your thick oaken doors had managed to bar the beasts of the night you quickly rolled out of your bed
  6. >Though the sun hasn't even peaked over the horizon you are wide awake
  7. >There is much to do
  8. >Far too much to do in such little time
  9. >You feel joints pop as you squat down next to your hearth and start to rekindle the nearly extinguished flame
  10. >In no time at all you have a roaring fire going, which means it's time to get something to eat
  11. >Just the barest hint of sunlight peeks through your windows as you walked over to your larder and grabbed yourself some eggs and a small slab of meat
  12. >The eggs were taken from one of those foul snake-chickens and the meats came from one of those monstrous chimera
  13. >This, like all the food that you plucked from this forest, was hard earned, but you wouldn't have it any other way
  14. >Food that was earned by the sweat of one's brow made all other food pale in comparison
  15. >After your breakfast was cooked and eaten and the grey clay slabs that you used as plates were washed you began to dress yourself
  16. >Wool pants and a leather tunic, along with thick hydra hide boots that you had fashioned yourself adorn your body
  17. >Over your tunic you threw on a thick fur-trimmed coat and you grabbed yourself a sack for your supplies
  18. >They were not the prettiest clothes that had never been made but they were practical
  19. >And practical was what you needed to be in the Everfree
  20. >Fully clothed and with a belly full of food you grabbed a knife and your axe, slinging both into your belt as you opened the door to your humble home and stepped outside
  21. >Bird calls and the buzzing of insects greeted you on this crisp morning and nothing else
  22. >Good
  23.  
  24. >The deterrents that you had placed were working just as they should...
  25. >Quickly checking around your house you make sure that everything's where it should be and that you didn't have any nasty surprises waiting for you
  26. >...Nothing
  27. >Today's getting better and better
  28. >With that task done now you have a significantly more irritating one to deal with
  29. >A task that you dislike more than any other but one that, every once in awhile, you have to do
  30. >You have to go into town
  31. >You are...
  32. >...
  33. >...
  34. >...
  35. >Well, you are Anonymous you suppose
  36. >If you truly needed a name that was as good of one as any
  37. >And you were the infamous recluse of Ponyville
  38. >Today you finally needed to bite the bullet and go and deal with some of the most infuriating creatures that you have ever known
  39. >Ponies
  40. >Most men would have tried to put this off longer
  41. >They would have found other things to do, or they would have talked themselves into not dealing with those bothersome creatures
  42. >But you were of the north
  43. >Your forefathers were men of fire and iron; warriors who had made even the longears of the south tremble
  44. >It was not in your blood to shy away from anyone or anything
  45. >So, fingering your axe, you followed the meticulously maintained path toward town
  46. >Thankfully no creature was laying in wait for you so you broke the treeline in good time
  47. >But that meant you were on the property of the Apple clan, ponies that you didn't care for all that much
  48. >The big red one was alright, and you could even stomach that little one with the bow in her hair on occasion, but it was the other one that really--
  49. >"Well howdy there, Anon! Heck of a mornin' ain't it?"
  50. >...Speak of the demon and she shall spawn you supposed...
  51. >Your eyes snapped toward a tree where the farmer just so "happened" to be leaning against
  52. >A spot she no doubt picked so she could wait for you to leave the forest
  53.  
  54. >A grunt is all you give her as you continued to make your way out of the farm
  55. >To your irritation the orange mare takes this as an invitation to follow you
  56. >"So how've ya'll been in that there forest? Ain't nothin' bothering ya?"
  57. "I do the best that I can with what I have," you tell the little horse. "And it's been a long while since anything's tried to attack me."
  58. >You see the farmer eyeing your axe in a way you don't like so you quicken your pace
  59. >Without missing a beat she matches it
  60. >"Say Anon, why don't ya give me that there axe while ya mosey around town?"
  61. "No."
  62. >Applejack stumbles at your instant refusal, the smile leaving her face
  63. >"Come on now, don't be like that," she said, irritation in her tone. "I just don't want ya to hurt yourself is all. It ain't safe fer a colt ta be lugging around axes and knifes and such. That's why we don't--"
  64. "You touch my axe the shaft of it is going somewhere it can't be easily pulled out," you growled, sidestepping the mare's clumsy attempt at grabbing it
  65. >Your spirits lift when you see the entrance to the farm
  66. >You were almost free
  67. "Now if you'll excuse me I have much to do today and chatting like an old washerwoman is not one of those things."
  68. >Applejack says something but you ignore it as you cross the threshold of the farm and onto Ponyville's one and only main road
  69. >You were going to have to watch out for that mare when you came back with supplies
  70. >Like you always had to
  71. >For some inconceivable reason Applejack of the Apple clan did not want you to brandish your axe and your knife while you were in town
  72. >She insisted that it wasn't, "proper fer a stallion ta be carrin' such things like that."
  73. >Nevermind that you had been handling blades of all kinds since before you could walk
  74. >And you weren't even going to bother mentioning all of the "subtle" hints that you should leave the forest and come live in town...
  75. >But she was gone now
  76.  
  77. >As much of an annoyance she was the farmer never left the farm this early in the morning when ever was work to be done
  78. >So, for a little while at least, one of your hounds would not be bothering you
  79. >But as for the others....
  80. >Well a guy can hope right?
  81. >Maybe they slept in?
  82. >Maybe a sudden but fierce sickness swept through the village and they died?
  83. >The moment that you made it into the town proper the talking and the stares begin
  84. >"Oh look, the wild colt's back."
  85. >"I wonder if he's "wild" as he looks?"
  86. >"Ew, I can SMELL him from here..."
  87. >"What kind of stallion walks around town like that? Some mare really needs to teach that colt some manners..."
  88. >You ignored the chatter of the geese, keeping your head high and your eyes straight
  89. >A lion does not concern himself with the sheep
  90. >And you killed lions here for dinner
  91. >Lions with hellish wings and tails but lions none the less
  92. >"Anonymous, darling!"
  93. >Rarity Belle suddenly appears in your path, a big smile on her face and a look that you don't care for
  94. >"I've been waiting all week to see you dear! It's taken a bit of thought from moi but inspiration had struck and I do believe that I--epp!"
  95. >Without breaking your stride you stepped over the unicorn and continued walking
  96. >Today, just like with every time that you were forced to come into town, you had little patience for distractions
  97. "I have no need for you to play dress up with me, Mrs.Rarity. You have a day."
  98. >"Don't you mean a good day, dear?" Rarity called as you walked away from her, frustration thick in her voice
  99. "I know what I said," you retorted
  100. >Since Ponyville was a relatively small town you got the supplies that you needed quickly and without much trouble
  101. >Some iron ore and some firestone for your little forge
  102. >Chalk and some flour for food and medicine
  103. >Small, harmless things like that
  104. >Heaven forbid that you got dangerous things like nails and hammers and knives and a new axe head
  105.  
  106. >With things like those you could hurt yourself, a "fact" that many mares around town were more than happy to tell you
  107. >It was a bother, but a bother that you were forced to suffer through whenever you made the trip into town
  108. >"Why don't you come over here and talk with us colt? Me and the girls here can show ya a good time!"
  109. >"Daddy? Why is that stallion walking around like that?"
  110. >"I bet he doesn't even condition his mane, the barbarian."
  111. >By the end of your supply run you were ready to tear into something with your axe
  112. >But you are an adult
  113. >You'd be able to ignore your berserker rage until you got home where you had a mountain of firewood that needed to be spilt
  114. >So all you had to do was not lose it at your last destination before you got home and it'd be all good
  115. >Everything would be fine; you weren't going to murder any little horses today even though they were making it a little difficult not to
  116. >Hopefully the mare at your last stop wasn't going to make you a liar
  117. >Your final and most difficult trial awaited you in the Crystal structure that was in the middle of this town
  118. >Or as you've heard it called, the Friendship Castle of Doom
  119. >In that giant crystal.... thing was another pony that you didn't care for
  120. >You didn't care for one bit
  121. >Hopefully she'd be gone doing some stupid bullshit...
  122. >Walking up to the massive slabs of crystal that served as the palace's doors you knocked and took a step back
  123. >Please don't be here
  124. >Please don't be here
  125. >God above and the lord below please don't--
  126. >The door creaks open, revealing the town's local Dova, a young lizard named Spike
  127. >An odd name for a dragon, but you were sure in time he'd change it like most of his brethren were wont to do
  128. >"Oh, good morning, Anon," he said with a smile on his face
  129. >You couldn't help but smile as well, your spirits lifting ever so slightly
  130. "Good morning, little brother," you say with a respectful inclination of the head
  131. >"You're here to get another book huh?"
  132.  
  133. "I've learned all I could from the her-bo-lo-gy book that you lent to me, Spike. Now I need another."
  134. >Though it didn't look it, this castle also doubled as a place of learning, where anyone could acquire a book for whatever subject they fancied
  135. >Though, at first, you hadn't taken to the squiggly lines that was the written word (like most northerners) you had gotten over your distrust of it
  136. >In each book you read you learned something that would help make your life in the forest just that much easier
  137. >Which meant they weren't all that bad
  138. >Bothersome and a headache for sure but not all that bad
  139. >Spike here, the castle's unofficial scribe, has helped you in no small way to learn and appreciate the written word
  140. >And just like he usually did he'd have something useful for you to spend the afternoon milling over
  141. >"Great! I have a whole bunch of books that I bet you'll love!" the dragon said with a happy hop before scurrying away
  142. >Your smile widens just a bit as you hurry up to catch him
  143. >Though the castle was a maze of hallways and turns Spike transverses it easily and in no time at all you find a grand room that served as the castle's library
  144. >From ceiling to floor the walls were stacked with books
  145. >More books than there should have been in the whole wide world right there for you to make use of
  146. >Even now the thought astonishes you
  147. >A priceless amount of knowledge just sitting here...
  148. >"Over here Anon, I made sure to pick a whole stack of stuff I'd thought you'd want to read!"
  149. >Reaching into your coat you pull out the book that you have previously borrowed as Spike led you to the library's many tables
  150. >As the dragon had said there was a stack of books as high as your head
  151. >You were probably going to take just one, as you always did, but you appreciated his enthusiasm
  152. >Placing your book of herbs and plants next to the pile you pick up one of the new books and examine it
  153.  
  154.  
  155. "Me-tal-lur-gee?" you sound out, the odd word awkwardly rolling off your tongue. "And what might that mean?"
  156. >"It's a book about smithing metal," Spike chirped, crawling into the table so he didn't have to break his neck to look up at you. "I know you've been talking about forging different things and I thought that this might help ya!"
  157. >Your smile widens just a little bit more as you open the book to a random page and peer inside
  158. >It looked like a lot of nonsense to you, as did most books when you first opened them, but you were sure that whatever written here would help you greatly
  159. "You have my thanks, Spike," you say, closing the book and reaching up to pat the little dragon on the head. "They would have found me a corpse in the forest if not for your help."
  160. >"You know you wouldn't have a problem with any silly old forest at all if you stopped being a baby and come live here with me~"
  161. >And just like that the anger that had been dissipating in your stomach came back in full force
  162. >Looking over your shoulder you see Princess Twilight Sparkle standing next to one of the shelves, her eyes half-lidded and her lip bitten
  163. >Oh all-father give me strength...
  164. "Thank you for the book, Spike," you say, bowing your head at the dragon before placing your new book into your coat. "And I do believe that we tried that once, Princess. It didn't word out well for either of us."
  165. >The Princess huffs as you walked toward the exit
  166. >"Well if you weren't so pigheaded everything would have been fine," she growled, racing to catch up with you
  167. >You find yourself gripping your axe as you step out of the library
  168. "I am not in the habit of relying on others, Princess," you tell the purple irritation. "And I am not certainly not in the habit of making myself another's slave."
  169. >Twilight snorted
  170. >"Slave? Now you're just overreacting, Anon. I offered you a place to stay, food, and all of things that you'd ever need~"
  171.  
  172. >You could feel the beginnings of a headache as you finally looked down at the purple alicorn
  173. >You did not want to have this conversation
  174. >You did not want to live with these strange creatures with their strange ways
  175. >You did not want to be "protected" by a herd of these little horses and be used a maid and as a walking cock
  176. >You had told this mare a thousand times so and a thousand times she has not listened
  177. >"You know the girls and I have been talking about dumping Thunderlane for a new stallion, Anon," purple continued, taking your silence as permission. "He might be a good lay but he can't cook for horse apples."
  178. >The hand on your axe twitches as she rubbed herself against you
  179. >"What if I told you that if you stopped being such a silly colt and came back home that we might consider you a candidate~"
  180. >Though it takes some effort you managed to let go of your axe
  181. "I'd tell you that where I come from we castrate both adulterers and cheaters."
  182. >You couldn't help but smile as the Princess plowed into a nearby table in surprise
  183. >"I-WE--I'm not cheating on anypony!"
  184. >Seeing that the door to leave this eyesore of a castle was in sight you increased your pace
  185. "Propositioning me like you are is cheating in my people's eyes."
  186. >You opened the door, stopping to look at the flustered little horse
  187. "I have seen how they cut into women. I doubt you and yours would survive it."
  188. >Shaking your head you step outside, supplies in tow
  189. >"H-Hey! Get back here!"
  190. >There's a pop and in the blink of an eye Twilight appeared right in front of you
  191. >"I think all of this nonsense has gone on long enough, Anon! You know how ponies do things here and--"
  192. "And it's why I prefer to live in the forest," you interrupt, calmly walking past her
  193. >An invisible force grabs your hand, forcing you to stop
  194. >There's another pop and the Princess is once again in front of you seething
  195. >"The Everfree forest is no place for a stallion!"
  196.  
  197. >...
  198. >Do not lose your temper
  199. >Do not lose it
  200. "I cannot own property in this town, I cannot run a shop or have a trade without a mare's permission. The only jobs I can get are either too soft, too menial, or too insulting for my taste."
  201. >Twilight stumbles as you yank hard at the magic keeping you in place, freeing you and letting you walk you her
  202. "I am a man of the north, not some bow legged easterner or cockless southerner. I will NOT bow to someone that is less than me."
  203. >Twilight tried to stop you with a wing but she forgot about the fact that you were twice her size and three times her bodyweight
  204. >She let out a yelp as you forced her wing at an awkward angle, pulling back the feathery appendage with a quiet curse as you continued forward
  205. >Alright
  206. >You do believe that that is enough interacting with ponies for today
  207. "If I were to live here I would not truly live, Princess. So I will have to make due with the forest. Goodbye."
  208. >"HEY! I'm not gonna let some bearded colt talk to my friend like that!"
  209. >In the blink of an eye Rainbow Dash just appeared in front of you, fury etched on her face
  210. >"That's a bucking PRINCESS there bub, and just because your a colt doesn't mean--"
  211. >The pegasus is silenced as you backhand her into a basin of water that was randomly sitting on the side of the road
  212. >"MOTHERFUCKING--weoifneorfnirgei!"
  213. "Good afternoon Rainbow Dash," you muttered to yourself, shaking the stinging pain in your hand
  214. >You could feel eyes staring at the back of your head as you made your way out of town, which only worsened your mood
  215. >The moment you got back home you tore through a mountain of firewood like one possessed but even that did not help
  216. >You did not care for the creatures that you were forced to live next to and each time you were in contact with them the dislike only worsened
  217. >You couldn't hate them, which was the worst part
  218. >They were like children, arrogant in nearly everything but unyielding in the little that they did know
  219.  
  220. >They were too strange, too demanding; the places where they lived and the way that they lived too different from your own
  221. >Couldn't you just be left well enough alone?
  222. >You didn't want to be bothered by these little horses
  223. >You did not want to become some hapless housewife
  224. >You did not want to live in a house with their lightning lights and their otherworldly outhouses
  225. >That's all you wanted...
  226. >Eventually you anger does pass, and after an exhausting afternoon weeding your garden and working on your forge you sit down on the rocking chair sitting on your front porch so that you could just relax
  227. >The sun was beginning to set for its daily slumber, and you are forced to use a oil lamp to illuminate the porch so you could see
  228. >The sounds of beasts waking and moving throughout the forest could be heard in the background as you opened your new book with a tired sigh
  229. >With your axe resting at your side you began to read the first page, intent on wrestling the meaning of these squiggles and scratches
  230. >"Anon!"
  231. >....
  232. >You look up from your book, making sure to put your thumb where you had just finished off so you wouldn't lose your place, to see one hell of a sight
  233. >Not twenty feet from you were about thirty ponies, all of them mares, half of them carrying torches, and every single one of them glaring at you
  234. >At the forefront of this little mob was Princess Twilight Sparkle herself, who was looking at you with a mixture of anger and contempt
  235. >Your axe hand twitched
  236. "...Good evening ladies," you say, closing your book and setting it beside your lantern. "Is there something I can help you with?"
  237. >Princess Twilight took a step forward, her nose scrunching up and her chest puffing up
  238. >If you didn't dislike the mare so you might have said that it was cute
  239. >"Anonymous, we've all had enough of your nonsense," she said, her voice crackling with authority. "The fun and games are over. We're taking you back into town so you can live with somepony."
  240.  
  241. "Really now?" you asked, leaning forward in your chair. "And how do you intend to do that?"
  242. >You waved a hand out toward the surrounding area
  243. "This is the Everfree. You and yours have no jurisdiction here. Your laws and silly customs are meaningless in this place. You can do nothing to me."
  244. >A low growl escaped the young princess's throat as she glared at you
  245. >"There might not be any laws out here but that doesn't mean I can't make you come by force," she said as the mob took a step towards you
  246. >"It ain't right fer a colt ta be runnin' around like he owns the place," Applejack, a torch held high, said. "Yer scarin' ponies carryin' yer axe and yer givin' other stallions ideas!"
  247. >"YEAH!" the mob cried, shaking their hooves and torches at you
  248. >Your hand twitches again as Twilight, now smiling, takes another step toward you
  249. >"So, Anonymous, in the name of harmony, we're going to take you back to town where you'll be safe and burn this cabin down so you don't get any funny ideas about coming back."
  250. >"YEAH!" the mob cried again, inching closer toward you
  251. >Reaching down you were about to grab your axe but you stop yourself
  252. >No
  253. >You weren't going to kill anyone
  254. >No matter what these creatures were threatening to do to you they didn't deserve death
  255. >Instead you reached behind you and grabbed the hunk of iron wood that you had been carving for a new axe handle
  256. >You weren't going to kill them but that didn't mean you couldn't ruin their collective days
  257. >The mob stops as you rise to your feet, your joints popping as you rolled your shoulders
  258. >The forest is silent as you take a step toward the ponies
  259. >Then another
  260. >Then another
  261. >And then another still until you are looming over Twilight Sparkle
  262. >The mare, who had been oh so confident just a moment before, looked a bit nervous as your grip on your club tightened
  263. "I have issue with that," you calmly say
  264. >Blood and iron
  265. >The fury of a northerner is unleashed
  266.  
  267. >"GET THE BUCK AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY STALLION!"
  268. >"MOTHERBUCKER! MOTHERBUCKER! MOTHERBUCKER!"
  269. >"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!!!"
  270. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  271. >And at the moment you weren't a very happy camper as you watched the mob that you had collected to cease Anon's nonsense run away like their tails were on fire
  272. >Many of them were limping, most had welts and bruises on their bodies, and every single one of them were yelling and cursing like there was no tomorrow
  273. >What was supposed to be an easy task had turned into a cluskerbuck
  274. >It seemed that it HADN'T been a good idea to try and push around a stallion that was a lot bigger and stronger than you
  275. >Who'd of thunk it?
  276. >You didn't know where Applejack was, Rainbow had gotten the curd knocked out of her at the beginning of your little battle and you...
  277. >well you...
  278. "Anonymous! You put me down right this bucking instant!"
  279. >You kicked and flailed your wings as hard as you could but Anon's grip on you was firm as he carried you out of the woods like you were a sack of flower
  280. "BUCKING LET GO OF ME! CELESTIA DAMMIT!"
  281. >You would have tried using your magic to teleport away from the nut but every time you did that club of his would hit you
  282. >Hard
  283. >Anon honestly looked bored, as if beating up thirty mares was an average thing for him
  284. >And, to your irritation, he looked no worse for wear
  285. >You might not have been a mare that smacks around stallion but you'd sure as shit beat a fuckboi's a--"
  286. "Umph!"
  287. >The second that you clear the treeline Anon drops you like a sack of potatoes
  288. >You let out a squeak of pain as you land on some welts
  289. >OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWO!
  290. >MOTHERBUCKERMOTHERBUCKERMOTHERBUCKER!!!!!!!!!
  291. >You continued to roll around on the ground, cursing the flat-faced cunt of a stallion that had done this to you, until you felt something long and hard poking your stomach
  292. >And, oh filly, you WISH it had been the good long and hard thing...
  293.  
  294. >"I let you all leave with only cuts and bruises today, girl," Anon growled, roughly poking you with his club
  295. >The bored look on his face was gone
  296. >Replacing it was the look of somepony eying up their next meal
  297. >And not in a good way
  298. >You gulp, hugging your front legs to your chest as Anonymous stares down at you
  299. >"If you try to take me from my home again being beaten with a stick will be the LEAST of your worries. Do you understand?"
  300. >Not giving you a chance to answer, Anon turns around and makes his way back into the forest, leaving you lying on Applejack's property on your back and in pain
  301. >Man...
  302. >How the hay were you going to explain this to everypony?
  303. >Princess Twilight Sparkle got her flank kicked by some stallion with a bucking stick!
  304. >The colts are gonna LOVE that!
  305. >Rolling to your hooves, and wincing with each movement, you begin the low journey home
  306. >Though your body is battered your mind is running on all cylinders
  307. >As of now Anonymous was a SERIOUS problem
  308. >He attacked a princess, and even though he was a stallion doing such a thing is a major offence
  309. >At the very least he was expecting jail time if you decided to press charges
  310. >Which you were going to bucking do!
  311. >No colt beats your flank and gets away with it
  312. >If anything a little jail time might make that colt a little less anal
  313. >For bucking Celestia's sake...
  314. >...But there's just one little problem with that...
  315. >How were you going to apprehend him?
  316. >You didn't have any guards, and the poince were useless around here...
  317. >...
  318. >...
  319. >...
  320. >You needed help
  321. >You needed somepony that you had trusted all of your life to get you out of this jam
  322. >You needed a buttload of guards to wear that crazy colt down
  323.  
  324. >You needed the power of another alicorn and the wisdom of one
  325. >That and all of the other awesome stuff that'd help you out
  326. >You needed your old teacher, Princess Celestia
  327. "Oh, the second that I bucking get home you're in for it, Anon," you grumble, wincing as another flash of pain makes your body twitch. "But first... let's focus on getting home, Twilight. Deep breaths, deep breaths... Bucking Anon..."
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