Hey Dad - this is going to come across really crazy but just in case you're still able to read messages from the skies. I cannot tell you how much I miss you and if only I could turn back the clocks, I would... anything to bring you back.

I keep thinking about you, it still doesn't seem real even after these past 5 years. Alex is still with Lucy, they recently just moved house but still in Newcastle. Mum and Trevor are fine - he seems to be making Mum happy which is good. He's a great guy, just like you are. Sadly Mum and Alex are not talking at the moment - not really sure what to do and it's unsettling but I'm hoping they'll figure it all out in the end.

I talk about you to people all the time because of how proud I am of you. You're the best Dad one could ever ask for and I would do anything to bring you back. Anytime I feel down or upset, I just look at your "lucky pig" which always brings back the fond memories. I'd do it all again if it meant I could see you again.

I never got the chance to tell you just before you passed away and I was meaning to tell you and Mum. I spoke to a friend of mine who was helping me go through a difficult time as I was leading a hidden life away from my friends and family - only I knew the truth. I was very close to telling you because I needed this weight lifted off my shoulders. I wish I had the opportunity to tell you when you were still with us but I was worried how you would take the news. It's not a big drama (didn't seem like that at the time) but I wanted to tell you and Mum that I was gay. If you can read this message (somehow) - we never know what is after death and nobody has been able to tell the tale after death but just in case. I hope this wouldn't have been upsetting news, I knew people where their parents turned their back on them after coming out to them so hopefully you can understand why I was apprehensive to tell you both. I can't believe it took your passing for me to come clean. It was time to stop living this secret life, this lie that has been hanging over my shoulders ever since I realised when we were living in the Signal Box. Yeah, long time I know and I'm sorry for that. I told Mum, Alex and Lucy the night before your funeral.

Anyway, now that I've told you, I feel I can move on and everybody is up to speed. No more lies, I life the life I lead and I couldn't be happier.

When they say it doesn't get easier, it's true. I think about you all the time and how proud I was to be your son. Life can be so unfair, you were too young to go. It's times when I see people with their families, this is when it really hits home. Sometimes, whenever I get myself into a pickle, I always ask for your help. I really need your help to repair Mum and Alex's relationship, they're the only two I have left and we all live our separate lives... it saddens me but I suppose this is what we've been accustomed to; if only this could change.

The thought of passing away unsettles me and the only thing that reassures me is that you'll be there waiting and we'll all be reunited together. This is my theory and maybe one day, it will come true.

Anyway, I'll leave you in peace and I'll always think about you. Most times, I think about you and smile which makes me happy but today, I'm crying and it makes me sad. I know Mum always thinks about you, she misses you too, Alex too, we all do. Seeing your face when I drop by your page always comforts me.

Love you so much Dad xxxxxxxxxxxx