Hey guys, it’s me. So, I felt really strongly about speaking out about my performance on Saturday Night Live. Because, I’m about something. And that something needs to be said right now. People have been ragging on me. Making jokes about me. Saying I’m ‘not talented.’ Or ‘fabricated.’ I’m about to set the record straight about that. Actually, I’m going to set the record straight right now. I’m going to address each and every one of your (‘your’ being those of you who I have never met that make fun of me) criticisms about me.

 I Am Inauthentic.

OK, here we go. This one. I’m super authentic. I made my own music videos.

My own music videos. Sure, they use a bunch of stock footage awkwardly smashed together with no discernable meaning behind it, but they’re mine. I made them. That counts for a lot. I’m an auteur. A visionary. Also, so very sexy.

I admit I used to be called Lizzy Grant and I made pop music for bored college girls who shop at Anthropologie, and now I’m a ‘gangsta Nancy Sinatra.’ We all create ourselves. I can be whatever I want to be. If Lana Del Ray doesn’t work, I’ll rename myself L-Deezy and join Odd Future. Nice try, h8ers.

I Can’t Sing.

You don’t have to sing to be successful. Ask anyone.

On SNL, Whenever I Said “Video Games,” My Voice Did Some Weird Baritone Thing Where I Sound Like Andre the Giant in Drag.

This is just like you hypothetical critics to find things that aren’t wrong about me and say they’re wrong. You can say I ‘sound like a French coal miner on an absinthe binge,’ but you’d just be saying things that are good are bad. Up is down. Black is white. Mitt Romney is not a pampered elitist. This isn’t about you. It’s about me. My music is mine. You don’t decide what’s good. I do. Duh.

I Look Uncomfortable on Stage.

Staring off into space with a blank look on your face is very cutting edge and avant-garde. It’s about circumventing your expectation of what a performer is supposed to do on stage. You think I’m going to entertain you with tons of charisma and stage presence, but that would be giving you what you want. My art is transgressive. I am not interested in placating your need for gratification. I want to upset you.

More importantly, I give you what I want, which is to appear scared out of my mind in front of cameras. It’s a comment on fame, since I want to be famous, but seem totally unprepared for that which I covet. Putting on a good show is easy. Making people pay attention to you even though they dislike you is hard. I like to think of myself as a modern day Jean-Luc Godard of pop music. I’m a sexy Jean-Luc Godard.

I Had Plastic Surgery to Enhance the Size of My Lips.

Maybe I did? Is that wrong? Can’t you see that my lips are a comment on lips and…other important things? It’s a societal statement. If Lady Gaga wears a dress made of meat, does that mean she likes wearing meat dresses? Maybe, but I doubt it. She likes drawing attention to important topics of concern! That’s all I’m doing by having gigantic lips jutting out of my tiny little face. Drawing attention to an important topic of concern, namely me.

I Suck.

That is not even a valid criticism. I suck? You aren’t even being specific about why I suck. Actually, I think you suck, hypothetic h8er. I have empirical evidence that says you, in fact, suck hard. You have an ugly face, you can’t sing and your butt is massive. Like, you have a huge butt. How do you squeeze into those jeans, buddy? I have it on good authority that you don’t shower and you’re a virgin. Plus, you read all the Twilight novels twice. See how easy that was?

I hope this clears up all of the unnecessary misconceptions about me as an artist. I’ve worked very hard for this opportunity and I’m not going to allow anyone’s flippant judgments to bring me down. I’m stronger than that. I have goals and I will achieve them. All of them. And if I don’t succeed, I’ll just try something else. Something better. Plus, I have a foolproof way to be happy. I’ve decided to be blissfully unaware of what people think about me.