JeffMango

Femanon and the Pies

Nov 25th, 2017
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  1. >So, how do you tell when you're officially a total loser?
  2. >Is it when you spend your Friday nights alone in your bedroom, munching chips 'n salsa in the dark while staring at your laptop?
  3. >Or is it when you awkwardly keep your nose pointed at the ground when you walk from class to class, hoping nobody bumps into you while you shuffle around?
  4. >Actually, it's probably when the teacher asks you to all pick lab partners, and the fear that spikes your chest is about on par with how you'd feel if the North Koreans started dropping H-bombs
  5. >You are Femanon, a sophomore at CHS, and right now you're considering just taking a nosedive out of the Chem Lab's window instead of trying to find yourself a partner
  6. >A hot, prickle feeling builds up on your scalp as you scan the room, hoping desperately that you'll see some other loser sitting alone, hugging her backpack to her chest
  7. >Yeah, fat chance
  8. >All around you, everyone chatting excitedly as they split into pairs, and the screeching of chairs on tile sounds around the room as everyone pairs off
  9. >You drop your head onto your book, wondering if you could just pretend to be sick
  10. >"Hiya!"
  11. >Someone pats your right shoulder
  12. >You raise your head, looking somewhat bewilderedly at the girl now sitting next to you
  13. >She's vaguely familiar, one of those people that seems to know everyone, with bubblegum-pink hair and a cheery, exuberant affect
  14. "Um... h-hey?"
  15. >Your voice cracks right on cue
  16. >"You got a partner yet? Nobody wants to work with me after the Skittles™ incident."
  17. >She glances sideways, as if mugging for some invisible sitcom camera
  18. >"They still won't let me back the Bio lab..."
  19. "Oh, no. I don't. Do you want to, um..."
  20. >"Totally~! Now scooch aside, sister. We got some solutions to titrate!"
  21. >You fold your hands in your lap, trying not to pass out as waves of relief wash over you
  22. >You're not a total loser!
  23. >Someone actually wants to spend time with you!
  24. >Granted, it's school-sanctioned time required for a grade, but still!
  25. >You hastily scoot your chair to make room for this girl, who plops down next to you
  26. >"The name's Pinkie Pie, by the way. What's yours?"
  27. "Oh, um. F-Feman--"
  28. >"Femmy! I like it! The is gonna be the best group evaaah!"
  29. >Pinkie's voice jumps up an octaves on the word "ever," making her sound vaguely like she's doing an Axl Rose impression
  30. "H-heh. Thanks. So, um, what step should we--"
  31. >"We gotta think up a group name first, silly! What do you think? I'm kinda partial to Pinkstein and the Funky Bunch, but that might be a bit too high-brow."
  32. "I think just our names w-works fine."
  33. >You twiddle your thumbs, trying to look confident in your answer
  34. >"Hmmmm..."
  35. >Pinkie stares at you, her eyes narrowing in scrutiny
  36. "Is that n-not okay?"
  37. >Worry grips you almost immediately; what if she leaves your group because she doesn't like your name ideas?
  38. >"It... it works! Femmy and the Pinks! I love it!"
  39. "I meant more just like-- okay."
  40. >You smile at her, giving her a shaky thumbs-up
  41. >"Woo! It's official! Now let's geeeeeeeet started!"
  42.  
  43. >So, as it turns out, Pinkie isn't the best at chemistry
  44. >Well, no, that's not quite it
  45. >It's more that she's just way, *way* to good at mixing the experiment's solutions in just the right way to make them change colors, explode, or fizzle
  46. >"Oh! Oh! Check this one out!"
  47. >She nudges you're shoulder while you're trying to calculate how baking soda you need
  48. "O-okay."
  49. >You watch as she splashes two beakers full of murky solution into a glass decanter
  50. >Immediately, bright-red foam shoots everywhere, covering the desk, your notes, and your clothes
  51. >Pinkie wipes a little out of her face, glancing red-faced over at you
  52. >"Heh heh... oops."
  53. >She reaches out and dabs a little on your nose
  54.  
  55. >It's four PM, and you and Pinkie have finally finished cleaning the Chem Lab
  56. >The foam smells strongly of cherries, and you don't think you're ever going to be able to eat them after this
  57. >Pinkie, unlike earlier, doesn't talk much
  58. >A lot of her earlier excitement is drained, and she looks really, really guilty
  59. >When you put the cleaning supplies away, Ms. Harshwhinny informs you that you're both to redo the entire report next week, since what you had got ruined in the explosion
  60. "Y-yes ma'am," you reply
  61. >Together, you and Pinkie walk back outside, knees aching from cleaning all day
  62. >"Hey, Femmy?"
  63. "Yeah?"
  64. >Pinke steps in front of you
  65. >"I'm really, really sorry about that. I kinda ruined everything, didn't I?"
  66. "A little bit."
  67. >You try to scoot past her to get to your locker, but Pinkie stops you
  68. >"I really messed up. But I wanna make it up to you!"
  69. "You don't have to."
  70. >You hang your head, unable to look at her
  71. "I'm j-just glad someone actually wanted to work with me..."
  72. >"What do you mean? Why wouldn't anyone want to work with you? You're awesome!"
  73. "Huh?"
  74. >"Yeah, totally! You have all those awesome drawings in your notebook!"
  75. >Your face immediately goes red
  76. >Most of those "awesome drawings" are terrible sketches of anime girls making out
  77. "How d-do you know about those?"
  78. >"Well, you kinda draw them during class. Not too hard to see, silly."
  79. "Oh... oh no..."
  80. >You feel like you might need to set yourself on fire
  81. >"Don't freak out! They're adorable! And anybody who wears Spiderman undies is a total BAMF in my book~!"
  82. >Pinkie Pie winks at you
  83. "Wait, y-you know about that too!?"
  84. >"Uh, yeah? We have PE together, remember? And those changing rooms aren't exactly roomy."
  85. "Y-yeah, but... wait, you were looking?"
  86. >"Heh. Maybe a little."
  87. >Pinkie giggles, then leans against the lockers, locking eyes with you
  88. >"Anyhoo, I still need to make this up to you. And I won't take no for an answer!"
  89. "You really don't..."
  90. >"Not taking no! So, how about... a party!"
  91. >Pinkie jumps up and throws confetti into the air; you have zero idea where she got it from
  92. "Oh, no, I d-don't really do well with parties."
  93. >"It doesn't have to be a big party. Just a special [I'm sorry for blowing up the Chem Lab and ruining all your hard work] party!"
  94. "That's a k-kind of party?"
  95. >"Yep! One of my favorite kinds, too!"
  96. "I dunno... I just don't like being around a lot of other people..."
  97. >"You don't have to! An [I'm sorry for blowing up the Chem Lab and ruining all your hard work] party is just for two!"
  98. "Just the t-two of us?"
  99. >"Yep! Well, my sisters might join in too. They're kinda alway around, you know."
  100. >You gulp
  101. >This is the last thing you expected to do today
  102. >A tiny, excited part of yourself starts wondering if this is a date
  103. >But the more rational part of you tells that tiny part to shut up
  104. >No, this isn't a date, you're just hanging out
  105. >But still, hanging out!
  106. >You haven't done that since, well, ever!
  107. >"So? Femmy? You in?"
  108. "Y-yeah! Yeah, definitely in!"
  109. >You're out of breath, and your thoughts are racing so quickly that you feel a little lightheaded
  110. >"Yay! Oh man, this day just got *so* much better!"
  111. >She slaps you on the back
  112. >"You're not gonna be disappointed. I'm sure you know I throw one *mean* party."
  113. "I've h-heard the rumors."
  114. >"Awwww yeah! So, when're you gonna be over?"
  115. "Oh, um... I don't really have anything else to do, so..."
  116. >"Whenever you want, then! Perfect!"
  117. >Again, from seemingly nowhere, Pinkie pulls out a slip of paper, pressing it into your hand
  118. >"There's my number, just in case you need it! And now, if you'll excuse me, your girl's gotta get her place ready."
  119. >Pinkie snaps finger guns at you, retreating down the hall
  120. >"Looking forward to seeing you, Femmy!"
  121. "Y-you too..." you mutter, still feeling like your head is floating up somewhere next to the hallway's neon lights
  122. >The daze doesn't abate, even as you walk back to your car and start your drive home
  123. >You got a girl's number!
  124. >And you got invited to a party!
  125. >If this is one of those "good things happen to you, then you wake up" dreams, you hope you don't wake up for a nice long time
  126.  
  127. //They're going to tow you
  128. If they think you're abandoned
  129. You got to act like you're not abandoned//
  130.  
  131. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx9O2yfRJOE [Embed]
  132.  
  133. >You can't help but sing to yourself as you lather yourself in off-brand lavender bodywash, letting the shower's warm water splash over your face
  134. >You're going to a party!
  135. >When you step out, you dry yourself off and check yourself in the mirror
  136. >Your hair is a tangled mess, but some aggressive brushing finally gets into a straightened, if still messy state
  137. >It's hard to even remember the last time you had this stuff cut; it hangs down awkwardly in your face and gets in the way any time you move your head
  138. >You guess you could always tie it back, but would that make you look lame?
  139. >Pinkie doesn't seem like the kind of girl who would care, but still...
  140. >You shake your head, trying to push the doubts away
  141. >After all, you're going to a party!
  142.  
  143. >You sprint past your mom, wearing only a towel
  144. >She chuckles when she sees you
  145. >"Someone's in a good mood."
  146. "Yep! I got invited to a party!"
  147. >You run into your room, flinging the towel off and starting to root through your closet
  148. >What are you supposed to wear to a party anyway?
  149. >You don't really own anything other than jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies...
  150. >Regardless, you try to pick the nicest assortment of the above that you can find, piling a Bleach hoodie, your best-fitting pair of jeans (even though they're marked 'slim,' they're still kinda baggy on your scrawny legs), and a plain purple t-shirt on your bed
  151. >And then, for the hell of it, you grab the pair of Spiderman panties that Pinkie mentioned liking earlier
  152. >Because, well, why not?
  153.  
  154. >As it turns out, Pinkie lives kinda out of the way
  155. >The drive to her house takes nearly an hour, and you have to text her for directions like three separate times
  156. >Each of her replies comes almost immediately, complete with firework and cake emojis
  157. >So you find yourself traveling down rocky country-roads as the sun sinks behind you, and it's finally night when you arrive at the Igneous Rock Farm
  158. >Ignoring the obvious question of how the hell you farm rocks, you park on a stretch of gravel at the property's edge
  159. >The farm itself is flat, mostly, with massive boulders and bare-rock mountains in the distance
  160. >The only structures nearby are a barn and a single farmhouse, with golden light streaming from the windows
  161. >You guess that's Pinkie's place
  162. >Stepping out of the car, you grab the bottle of sparkling grape juice (yeah, it's kinda lame, but you're not old enough to buy real wine yet) and head towards the door
  163. >As you walk, you start to this freaky prickling sensation at the back of your scalp
  164. >You can't help but feel like someone is watching you...
  165. >Glancing around, you see nothing but lonely rock and dark countryside
  166. >Must be your imagina--
  167. >"Freeze!"
  168. >You nearly jump a foot in the air, whirling around to see a girl with silver, angular hair dressed in muddy army fatigues
  169. >She's holding a rifle, and the barrel's pointed directly at your face
  170. >"Who the hell're you? Answer me!"
  171. "I... j-j-just... I t-thought..."
  172. >You stammer helplessly, terrified out of your mind
  173. "P-please don't s-s-shoot me..."
  174. >"Ha! Big words for an intruder! Get on your knees!"
  175. >You obey, sinking to the ground
  176. >"Now talk! What're you doing here!? You better not be trying to fuck with holder's boulder!"
  177. >The girl's eyes burn with a golden intensity, and you're pretty sure you're going to die here
  178. "I... g-guh... t-thought... looking for P-P-Pinkie..."
  179. >You gulp, turning your face skyward as you wait for the end
  180. >Your last thought is despair at the fact that you're going to die wearing Spiderman undies
  181. >"Limey!"
  182. >Your eyes fly open, and you see Pinkie Pie standing in front of you like some cotton-candy scented angel
  183. >"How many times do I have to tell you! Quit freaking out our guests!"
  184. >Pinkie jabs a finger into the crazy girl's face, scolding her
  185. >"I'm patrolling! Someone needs to keep this place safe, or anyone could just waltz in here! Not my fault they lose their shit the second they see a rifle!"
  186. >"You know that's a toy, right Limestone?"
  187. >"Shut up! She doesn't know that!"
  188. >Limestone glares at you
  189. >"I've got my eyes on you, runt! Both eyes!"
  190. >She bares her teeth, snarling at you
  191. >Pinkie grabs her sister by the shoulders, shoving her back towards the house
  192. >"Yeah, yeah, everyone's super scared of you, Limey. Go check to make sure there's nobody trying to sneak up through the latrine."
  193. >"That's the first thing they'd use, I'm telling you!"
  194. >Limestone gives you one final glare, then runs off
  195. >Pinkie offers you a hand, and helps you to your feet
  196. >She has that same guilty look from earlier
  197. >"Heh, sorry about her. Limestone can be a little, um..."
  198. "C-c-completely insane?"
  199. >"Nah, that's just her special way of saying hello!"
  200. "I don't think I w-want to know how she says goodbye..."
  201. >"She's harmless! Just has a little bit of youngest-child syndrome, you know how it is. She's really a little angel when you get to know her."
  202. "Angel of d-death, I guess."
  203. >"Hee hee! You should tell her that! I bet it'd make her blush like crazy. Anyhoosies, c'mon inside! Ma just finished making rock soup!"
  204. "Oh, c-cool."
  205. >Pinkie wraps an arm around you, leading you towards her house
  206.  
  207. >So, it turns out that "Rock Soup" is actually, well, soup made of rocks
  208. >Apparently they infuse the broth with plenty of flavor
  209. >You think it kinda just looks like sewage, and it doesn't smell much better
  210. >Pinkie's mom seems like a nice enough lady, if a little stiff
  211. >She greats you when you enter with a formal bow
  212. >"We art most glad to see you. Pinkie has told us much about you."
  213. >Huh, so Pinkie's Amish
  214. >Just gonna chalk that up on the "things you'd never have guessed in a million years" scoreboard
  215. >The two of you grab bowls of soup and head into the living room, where another girl is sitting
  216. >She looks a little older than Pinkie and you, maybe somewhere around college age, with straight purple hair cropped in a bob around her face
  217. >When you enter, she looks over at you, her face expressionless
  218. "Um... hi."
  219. >You mentally brace yourself, preparing for another psych case
  220. >"Hello. You're one of Pinkie's friends."
  221. >That wasn't a question
  222. "Y-yeah. My name's Fem."
  223. >"I know."
  224. "Oh."
  225. >You feel like you just wandered into the universe's most intense staring contest
  226. >The Pie sister watches you with half-lidded eyes and seemingly doesn't need to blink
  227. "W-what's yours?"
  228. >You can feel sweat rolling down the back of your neck, and get the sense that you're absolute failing as a conversationalist right now
  229. >"Maud."
  230. "C-cool."
  231. >"I'm glad you think so."
  232. >Maud goes back to staring out the window, seeming halfway between pensive and catatonic
  233. >Pinkie plops down on the floor by Maud's feet, affectionately patting her leg
  234. >"That's Maud for ya! Isn't she mysterious?"
  235. >"Accurate label," Maud agrees
  236. "It's n-nice to meet you..." you squeak out, shuffling over next to Pinkie
  237. >Maud looks over at you, and you freeze in place, feeling like her gaze could disassemble your soul into constituent, labeled parts
  238. >"I'm glad you think that. It's nice to see my sister has such polite friends."
  239. >Pinkie squeals
  240. >"You two are getting along! Ah!"
  241. >She claps, looking delighted
  242. >You, meanwhile, try to eat some of your soup
  243. >It's nasty, of course
  244. >Still, you don't want to be rude, so you force a few more bites down
  245. >But your displeasure must show on your face, because Pinkie taps your shoulder
  246. >"It's okay, Femmy, you don't have to eat it. We've got Pizza Rolls in the freezer."
  247. "They're not, l-like, gravel-flavored or something are they?"
  248. >Pinkie throws her head back, hollering in laughter
  249. >Maud nods, the tiniest hint of a smile on her face
  250. >"Good one."
  251. >Maud turns to stare out the window again, looking wistful
  252. >"That would be amazing."
  253. >"You made Maud laugh! You are just, like, the best guest ever!"
  254. >Pinkie jumps up
  255. >"I'm gonna run into the kitchen! You two keep bonding!"
  256. >She pushes you towards Maud, then runs out of the room
  257. >Maud lies down on the couch, rolling onto her side so she faces you
  258. >"Hey."
  259. "H-hey."
  260. >You scooch around, feeling a little awkward
  261. "I, um... I r-really like your dress," you say, pointing to her gray frock
  262. >Maud blinks
  263. >"Thank you. I'm really into expressing myself."
  264. "Y-yeah? Me too."
  265. >Maud nods
  266. >"You seem cool. I always like meeting Pinkie's friends."
  267. "Thanks. I w-was really glad to meet you too. You seem a lot, um... nicer, than Limestone."
  268. >"Limeestone is violent and delusional."
  269. "Kinda, yeah."
  270. >"I suspect it might be a hormonal imbalance. Or residual trauma."
  271. "T-trauma from what?"
  272. >"From when Boulder attacked her. She was a baby, and she tried to put him in her mouth. He didn't like that."
  273. "Oh, w-wow. That must have been really scary."
  274. >You assume Boulder is the name of the Pie family's dog, or something
  275. >"It was. Boulder is really friendly, but he can be vicious when he gets angry."
  276. "Jeez. Poor Lime."
  277. >Maud nods
  278. >You hear the sound of footsteps behind you as Pinkie bustles back into the room, a tray of steaming Pizza Rolls™ held in her hands
  279. >"So, how's the bonding going? You two best friends yet?"
  280. >"You can't force friendship, Pinkie."
  281. >Maud looks over at you
  282. >"But yes, it's going well. She's very nice. I might even let her pet Boulder."
  283. >Pinkie's eyes light up
  284. >"Oh. Em. Gee! You hear that, Femmy? That's, like, Maud's highest honor!"
  285. "Oh. C-cool!"
  286. >You smile as you take a bit of a Pizza Roll™, feeling a little self-conscious from all the praise
  287. >Is making friends really this easy?
  288. >How'd you fuck it up this hard for so long?
  289. >Pinkie sits down next to the two of you, rocking back and forth in excitement
  290. >"So, what do you two party-gals wanna do first, huh? We got all night, so don't hold back!"
  291.  
  292. >Maud pulls out a stack of paper from... somewhere?
  293. >Apparently just storing objects in nega-space is a family trait amongst the Pies
  294. >"I could read her my poetry."
  295. >Pinkie scoffs at that
  296. >"Maud! It's a party! We gotta do something fun!"
  297. >"It's fun for me."
  298. "I w-wouldn't mind listening to her poetry," you interrupt
  299. >Both girls look at you; Pinkie's surprised, while Maud is more, well, Maud-ish
  300. >"You sure about that, Femmy?" Pinkie asks. "Maud's poetry is really, really great! But she can sometimes, um... heh..."
  301. >Pinkie awkwardly tugs at her collar
  302. >"I can sometimes what?" Maud asks, her voice so flat that you can't tell if she's insulted or not
  303. >"Nothing! Go ahead and read!"
  304. >Pinkie busies herself with the Pizza Rolls™, avoiding her sister's eye
  305. >She glances over at you, and you get the sense she's looking for reassurance
  306. >Is Pinkie... is she worried about you?
  307. >Like, that you're not having enough fun?
  308. >That thought causes a warm feeling to spread through your chest, and you give her a calm smile
  309. >Pinkie relaxes, and Maud starts to read in a voice so monotone and sedated that you feel almost as if you're being hypnotized
  310. /Tiny pebbles sleep
  311. at the bottom of a stream,
  312. a cluster of cold,
  313. cloudy-gray eggs.
  314. The water's whisper
  315. is a lullaby.
  316. Sweet dreams./
  317. >You blink twice, feeling like you just surfaced from a very warm swimming pool
  318. "Whoa. That was r-really cool!"
  319. >Maud blinks at you, taking a half-second longer to respond than usual
  320. >"Do you mean that, or are you trying not to be rude?"
  321. "No, n-no no! It felt peaceful and kind of, I dunno, lonely. I kinda know what that's like, I guess. Never thought I'd empathize with rocks in that way."
  322. >Maud stares at you
  323. >She's impossible to read, so you really have no idea if you just said something stupid, touching, or just nonsensical
  324. "So, I dunno, sorry if that doesn't make any sense, but um, heh... yeah, that was really relatable and sweet, so..."
  325. >You trail off, kinda feeling like a dork
  326. >Maud adjusts herself on the couch, scooting closer until her face and yours are just inches apart
  327. >Up close, you can feel the heat of her breath washing over your face, and her eyes
  328. >"You are the best person Pinkie has ever brought here. Please come over more."
  329. "Ah, heh... okay..."
  330. >She's so close that her nose is almost touching yours
  331. >You shrink down, trembling slightly
  332. >As far as you can remember, you've never had anyone get this close to you
  333. >Maud, of course, seems thoroughly nonplussed about the whole thing
  334. >When you finally muster up the nerve to speak, you're out of breath
  335. "I wouldn't m-mind hearing more... maybe sometime."
  336. >Maud looks over at Pinkie
  337. >"I think I'm in love. Would it be weird if I kissed her?"
  338. "W-whoa, what?"
  339. >Pinkie throws her head back, hollering in laughter
  340. >"You're so sweet, Maud!" she cheers
  341. >Maud frowns, sort of
  342. >"I was being serious."
  343. >She turns to look at you
  344. >"You're an incredibly appealing person. Are you single?"
  345. >You sputter for a moment before you can respond
  346. "I, um... are you serious?"
  347. >"Yes."
  348. >Your mouth flops open, unable to formulate a response
  349. >Is she seriously asking this?
  350. "I w-well, y-yeah, I mean... I've n-never actually had a, um..."
  351. >Pinkie almost throws herself in front of you to interrupt
  352. >"Whoa, whoa! Let's just take a time out, okay? You don't even know if Femmy's into that sort of thing!"
  353. "Well, I mean, I--"
  354. >Pinkie doesn't let you finish
  355. >She throws an arm around you, pulling you against your side
  356. >Holy shit, she's *so* soft
  357. >Are all girls supposed to be this soft?
  358. >Does that mean you're just some sort of defective model?
  359. >"Don't go scaring our guests away, Maudie!"
  360. >Maud sits back up, her face still neutral
  361. >But she seems unable to look directly at her sister and you, and you get the vague sense she's hurt
  362. >"I understand. I'm sorry, Fem. I appreciate the nice things you said about me. But I got ahead of myself."
  363. "I... I..."
  364. >You let out a timid squeak, not sure what to say
  365. >Pinkie gives you a squeeze
  366. >"So, what next, girl? What're you in the mood for?"
  367. >The three of you are so enwrapped in the heat of the moment that you don't notice the timid girl standing at the living room's edge, hiding her face in her hair and waiting for a chance to speak
  368. >Both Pinkie and Maud are watching you expectantly, waiting for you to say something
  369. "I don't really know. Don't have a lot of experience w-with parties, you know..."
  370. >"Ah, of course! I keep forgetting I'm popping your party cherry!"
  371. "Please don't say it like that."
  372. >"Why not? I mean it literally!"
  373. >Pinkie leans in close, her warm breath caressing your ear as she whispers to you
  374. >"Because I'm totally gonna make the *best* ice-cream sundaes ever after mom n' dad go to sleep!"
  375. "Oh! H-haha, right."
  376. >Maud shakes her head
  377. >"You shouldn't pressure her like that, Pinkie. She clearly wants a more low-key party than you're used to throwing."
  378. >Pinkie gets weirdly offended by that
  379. >"I can throw very low-key parties when I want to! I just don't want to very often."
  380. >Pinkie flashes her sister a smug grin
  381. >In the background, a tiny voice squeaks out, trying to get people to pay attention to her, but there's too much noise
  382. >So the poor girl just shrinks back into the corner, hoping someone will offer her some food eventually
  383. "I wouldn't mind low-key!" you interrupt. "Could we just, um, all c-calm down a bit? Sorry."
  384. >Both sisters look at each other, than at you
  385. >"No, I'm sorry," Maud says. "I got too excited."
  386. >You find that hard to believe
  387. >"Maudie's right. Let's just relax and enjoy each other's company!"
  388. >Pinkie still hasn't taken her arm off your shoulders, and she uses it to give you an encouraging squeeze
  389. >"So c'mon, Femmy. Tell us about yourself!"
  390. "Oh, okay. I, um..."
  391. >You look over your shoulder, suddenly feeling the eyes on the back of your neck
  392. >When you turn, you see another girl, somewhere around Pinkie's age, and clearly another of her sisters
  393. >She's taller than the others, and almost skeletally thin, giving her the vague impression of being some sort of wan, ghostly figure
  394. >This new Pie sister has her face hidden in a curtain of granite-colored hair, and flinches back the minute you look at her, letting out a terrified squeak
  395. "Ah! I'm sorry!"
  396. >The new Pie sister tries to run out of the room, but Pinkie darts over to her like a bolt of cotton-candy lightning, grabbing her sister by the wrist
  397. >"Don't go, Marble! You gotta meet our new friend!"
  398. >Marble mumbles something unintelligible, shaking her head
  399. >She looks over at you with frightened, rabbit-in-front-of-a-fox eyes
  400. >"She won't hurt you!" Pinkie reassures her. "She's super friendly! C'mon!"
  401. >Marble shakes her head, trying to scrabble back out of the living room, but Pinkie literally drags her over to the table, wrestling her scrawny sister to the ground
  402. >"This... is my... sister... Marble!" Pinkie says, grunting with exertion as she tries to keep her sister pinned
  403. >You have no clue how the hell you're supposed to respond to this
  404. >The poor girl looks like a terrified puppy
  405. >To be honest, though, you kinda know what that feels like; you felt the same way when your mom would drag you downstairs and make you say hi to her book-club members
  406. "I, um... I don't think you should force her to be out here, Pinkie."
  407. >"Huh? Why not? I want her to make friends."
  408. "She doesn't look comfortable with this. You're just gonna freak her out m-more."
  409. >"You think so?"
  410. >Pinkie looks down at Marble
  411. >Marble vigorously nods, squeaking her agreement
  412. "Y-yeah. I actually know how she feels. It k-kinda sucks."
  413. >You look over at Marble and give her a timid smile
  414. >She stops wrestling with Pinkie and mumbles something
  415. >Pinkie rolls off Marble, letting her sister get to her feet and scramble out of the room
  416. >Well, almost out of the room; she pauses at the doorway, turning around to glance at you again
  417. >It's not with fear this time, though
  418. >You honestly can't tell what she's feeling; she's even harder to read than Maud, and that's saying something
  419. >Marble gives you a small nod, then disappears
  420. >You sigh, flopping onto the floor
  421. "You g-guys have an interesting family, huh?"
  422. >Pinkie beams with pride
  423. >"Sure do! I have the best sisters in the world!"
  424. >Maud nods, agreeing
  425. >"It's an unusual environment. But you learn to appreciate it eventually."
  426. "H-hah, yeah. I'm just really glad you two are so cool."
  427. >"The coolest around!" Pinkie cheers, grinning. "Now, who's ready for a nice, normal, relaxing--"
  428. >The front door flies open with a bang, and Limestone charges in
  429. >Her hair's even messier than before, and rips and stains dot her fatigues
  430. >The "rifle" is slung over her back, and in her arms she's carrying the plastic shopping bag with the sparkling grape juice you bought earlier
  431. >After you dropped it, you must have forgotten to pick it back up
  432. >"You idiots! Stop playing grab-ass and get on alert! I found enemy munitions!"
  433. >She rips the bag open, showing the purple glass bottle to her sisters
  434. >"It looks like some kinda bio weapon! Someone must be trying to poison us!"
  435. "Actually, um..."
  436. >"Who gave you permission to speak, runt!?"
  437. >You let out a very Marble-esque squeak of terror, shrinking back from Limestone
  438. "It's just, uh, j-just grape juice..."
  439. >"A likely story! She's totally a double agent! Lemme take her out back!"
  440. >Maud stands up from the couch, and smacks Limestone over the head
  441. >And goddamn, that girl must work out a lot, because her palm meets Limestone's head with a *smack* that makes the whole house shake
  442. >Limestone goes down hard, looking dazed
  443. >She hits the ground in her heap, and her head ends up in your lap
  444. "Ah! Is s-she gonna be okay?"
  445. >"She'll be fine," Maud replies. "Just a little dazed."
  446. >Limestone looks up at you, her eyes slightly crossed
  447. >"Whoa... are you an angel?"
  448. "Uh... what?"
  449. >Limestone reaches up to touch your face, a pink flush rising on her cheeks
  450. >"Did I die gloriously, merciful one?"
  451. "This is g-getting really weird..."
  452. >You glance around the room, hoping the other Pie sisters will help you out
  453. >But Maud is just passively watching this, looking slightly bemused
  454. >Pinkie, of course, looks like she's trying really, really hard not to laugh
  455. >"It's an honor..." Limestone whispers, "to be rescued by someone so beautiful... please, take me to my warrior's rest..."
  456. >And with that, she passes out with her head on your thighs
  457. "Uh... is this a normal thing?"
  458. >You look at the other Pie sisters
  459. >Pinkie can't finally handle it anymore; she bursts out laughing, rolling around on the floor and generally just losing all control of herself
  460. >Maud sits back down, crossing her legs
  461. >"I'm sorry, Fem. But you're going to be stuck like that for approximately the next two hours."
  462. "W-what?"
  463. >"Moving a sleeping Limestone isn't a good idea."
  464. "W-why not?"
  465. >You try to nudge Limestone off your legs
  466. >She growls at you
  467. >Like, full-on "dog about to chomp your fingers off" growls at you
  468. "Gah! Okay, okay, point taken. So, what, I just stay like this?"
  469. >"Yep!" Pinkie chimes in
  470. >She sits up, wiping tears from her eyes
  471. >"Oh man, Femmy, you're in for it now! Lime *totally* drools in her sleep too."
  472. "Oh. Great."
  473. >Limestone nuzzles her face into your lap, starting to snore
  474.  
  475. >Fortunately, things finally start to settle down a little after that
  476. >Well, as much as they can, under the circumstances; Limestone snoozes away in your lap, her legs occasionally twitching like a puppy's
  477. >Only, unlike a puppy, you're pretty sure she's not dreaming of chasing rabbits
  478. >Mostly because she keeps mumbling something about landmines, in between snores
  479. >Eventually, you and Pinkie decide to let Maud choose what the three of you do
  480. >"Well," she says, looking pensive, "I've always been into board games."
  481. >And so now you're playing a game she invented herself, which she says she's considering calling GeoLogic (sic)
  482. >It's... it's a nightmare
  483. >Each person has a team of pebbles on a chessboard, and they're trying to maneuver them to capture the opponent's back row
  484. >Except the moves of each rock are determined on its type of sediment, and only Maud can distinguish between them
  485. >She wins three times in a row before Pinkie stops her
  486. >"Maudiiiiiie! This game is boring!"
  487. >Maud glances over at her, blinking
  488. >You're already well-versed enough in Maud-expressions to tell that she's slightly insulted, but trying not to show it
  489. >It's actually not too hard to read her, if you really try
  490. >Maybe being a fellow Awkward-As-Fuck Girl™ helps; the two of you are speaking the same language, in a way
  491. >"I'm enjoying myself," Maud replies
  492. >"Yeah, but we're not! Look at Femmy, she's bored out of her mind!"
  493. >Pinkie gestures towards you, and your face goes red
  494. "N-no I'm not!"
  495. >A tiny smile touches Maud's lips
  496. >"You don't have to play if you don't want to, Pinkie. Femanon and I can have fun by ourselves."
  497. >"That's... that's not what I meant!"
  498. >Pinkie scoots towards you, looking unusually flustered
  499. >Maud does the same, but on your other side
  500. >With Limestone in your lap, you end up awkwardly sandwiched between three Pie sisters, feeling quite tiny and vaguely helpless
  501. >"I love your games, Maudie!" Pinkie says. "But I'm feeling some party classics!"
  502. >"What qualifies a game as a party classic?"
  503. >"It's gotta be craaaaaaaazy!"
  504. >"I don't know. I find GeoLogic to be fairly wild."
  505. >Pinkie shakes her head
  506. >"You don't get it, Maudie! Femmy, what's your favorite party game?"
  507. "Me? Oh, uh... uh..."
  508. >What do people even play at parties?
  509. >You wrack your brain, trying to recall what kids would do on the Disney Channel specials you used to watch
  510. "Uh..."
  511. >Both sisters are staring at you now, waiting for your response
  512. >You can feel a little bit of sweat rolling down the back of your neck
  513. >C'mon, think of something
  514. "Uh... T-Truth or Dare?"
  515. >Maud's eye twitches slightly in surprise, and Pinkie's eyes light up
  516. >"That's a great suggestion! Femmy coming in clutch!"
  517. >Pinkie slaps you on the back
  518. >Maud cocks her head
  519. >"That game seems somewhat juvenile. I'm worried about its outcomes.
  520. >"Aww, don't be a stick in the *Maud*!" Pinkie says, chortling. "It'll be fun! The best party games appeal to the kid in all of us, that's what I always say!"
  521. >"You've never said that in your life."
  522. >"Well, I'm starting now!" Pinkie says
  523. >Limestone grumbles in her sleep, mumbling something that sounds vaguely like a threat of decapitation
  524. >Pinkie jumps up, running towards the kitchen
  525. >"I've got some homemade Truth or Dare cards around here! Lemme go find them!"
  526. >She runs out of the room, leaving you with Maud and Lime
  527. >Maud bites her lip
  528. >"My sister can be a bit of a handful sometimes."
  529. "Y-yeah, heh. I like her, though. I don't think I've ever been around someone with so much energy."
  530. >Maud blinks
  531. >"I see. I apologize if my demeanor is slightly less fun."
  532. >Maud's voice goes even more deadpan than usual
  533. >Is... is she jealous?
  534. "W-what?"
  535. >Oh jeez, what are you supposed to say
  536. "No! No not at all! I like you a lot! Pinkie's a lot of fun, but you're, I dunno, really chill. I feel safe around you, I guess."
  537. >"Safe from what?"
  538. "Uh..."
  539. >You look down at the sleeping Limestone, who's grinding her teeth
  540. "H-her, for one. And just, in general. You have a very c-calming presence."
  541. >Maud blinks
  542. >"And you like that?"
  543. "Y-yeah. Plus, I think your game is pretty cool. I'm just, y-you know, kinda terrible at it..."
  544. >"I understand. And I would be willing to teach you. If you would want that."
  545. "Y-yeah! Definitely!"
  546. >Maud gives you a tiny smile
  547. >"That makes me very happy, Femanon. I'm glad that you're here."
  548. "S-same! You and your sisters are really c-cool. Oh! Speaking of, Marble never got any food. Should I bring her some?"
  549. >"She usually comes out when she's ready."
  550. "Y-yeah, but it'll be cold by then. I'll be right back."
  551. >You grab the same plate you were using, and load up some Pizza Rolls on it
  552. >Maud watches you, blank-faced
  553. >"Her room is on the left, just when you reach the top of the stairs. But don't be disappointed if she doesn't open the door. She's probably still terrified of you."
  554. "I still wanna try..."
  555. >Maud nods, giving you a thumbs-up
  556. >You walk upstairs, the floorboards creaking beneath your feet, and several splinters tugging at the bottoms of your socks
  557. >When you reach the second floor, you turn to the left, seeing what must be Marble's room
  558. >It's barely larger than a broom closet
  559. >In fact, it might have *been* a broom closet at some point; you guess that, when you have four kids and only a small farm cottage, you make do
  560. >You knock on Marble's door, and don't get any response
  561. >Figures; you leave the plate in front of the door for her, and turn to head back down the stairs
  562. >However, just as you're about to descend, you hear her closet-room's door creak open
  563. >Behind you, from a darkened bedroom, Marble Pie pokes her head out, staring at you with wide eyes
  564. >You freeze, locking eyes with her
  565. >She reaches out, slowly sliding the plate into her room
  566. >You feel like you're in one of those movies where a kid befriends some strange animal, and there's a tense moment where you're not sure if the animal's going to bolt or not
  567. >Behind Marble, you can vaguely make out the outline of a cramped little room, with strange, abstract shapes piled on shelves along the walls
  568. "Hey. Sorry if I scared you off earlier."
  569. >Marble shakes her head, mumbling something you don't quite catch
  570. "Do you want to come h-hang out with us?"
  571. >She pauses for a moment, then motions for you to come closer
  572. >You do, approaching Marble like you'd approach a frightened deer
  573. >When you're close enough, she raises up on her tip toes and speaks into your ear, her voice barely louder than a fragile, squeaky whisper
  574. >"Can I stay close to you?"
  575. "Close to m-me? Why?"
  576. >"You don't scare me," she squeaks out
  577. "Your sisters do?"
  578. >Marble pauses for a moment, then nods
  579. "Huh. Can't say I blame you, honestly. They scare me a little sometimes, and I barely even know them."
  580. >"They're nice. But loud. They talk a lot, and sometimes they fight. I don't like it when they fight."
  581. "I can imagine. You w-want to stay behind me?"
  582. >Marble nods
  583. >Holding the plate in one hand, she slips out of her bedroom and presses herself against you, clinging to you like a child
  584. >"Is it okay if I stay like this?" she squeaks out
  585. "Go ahead."
  586. >You can feel Marble's slender little body trembling slightly
  587. >As you start back down the stairs, she buries her face against your back, mumbling something
  588. "What's that?"
  589. >"I said thank you."
  590. >She squeezes tighter to you
  591.  
  592. >So, returning to the rest of the Pies with their sister hugging your back like a baby koala is, well, a little weird
  593. >Pinkie and Maud both turn to stare; Maud's impassive as ever, but Pinkie's face brightens in surprise and confusion
  594. >"Femmy! You got Marble out of her room!"
  595. "Uh, yeah. Guess so."
  596. >Marble shrinks behind you
  597. >"That's awesome! Hi, Marble! You wanna hang out with us?"
  598. >She pokes her head out to nod at her sisters, clenching her fists around the fabric of your sweatshirt as she does so
  599. >"Aww, she likes you!" Pinkie says
  600. >Next to her, Maud shifts her weight around
  601. >You try to meet her eye, but she looks away, focusing her attention on putting away GeoLogic instead
  602. >In her arms, Pinkie has a huge stack of notecards, some of which are spilling onto Limestone's face
  603. >Limestone's eyes flutter open, and she glances around the room
  604. >"Hey! Who started a meeting while I was asleep!" she barks, jumping up to her feet. "And where's my gun!?"
  605. >"I put it away, silly! And it's not a meeting, it's a party!"
  606. >"Ugh, you and your stupid parties!" Limestone snarls. "It's just a distraction! Someone could sneak in at any moment!"
  607. >"Well, you're welcome to leave then, grumpy-pants."
  608. >"Hell no!"
  609. >Limestone whirls towards you, glaring
  610. >"I'm not taking my eyes off her!"
  611. >Pinkie giggles
  612. >She scoots up next to you
  613. >"I think Limey has a bit of a crush!" she stage-whispers, making sure her sister can here
  614. >Limestone goes *red*
  615. >Literally tomato-colored, all in the span of a few seconds
  616. >"I do not! Don't you dare accuse me of liking her! She's an enemy plant, I'm sure of it!"
  617. >Pinkie hollers with laughter, which makes Marble flinch
  618. >You can feel her shaking like a leaf, and reach behind you to pat her head
  619. >Her hair is strangely silky, the kind of stuff you could pet for hours
  620. >Your touch calms her, at least
  621. >"This is awesome!" Pinkie cheers. "The whole family's here, plus my new bestest friend!"
  622. >"She's my friend just as much as yours, Pinkie" Maud reminds her
  623. >"Not mine!" Limestone says. "I want her to leave!"
  624. >She makes the "I'm watching you" gesture at you
  625. >Pinkie steps between you and Limestone, rolling her eyes
  626. >"Yeah, yeah, I know. But what matters is that everyone's here! Best party ever!"
  627. >She kicks the living room table out of the way, leaving an open circle of carpet for the five of you to sit on
  628. >"Now let's tell some dares and do some truths!"
  629. >Pinkie plops down, and the five of you form a circle around her
  630. >Marble stays close to you, sitting practically in your lap
  631. >Limestone is directly across the circle from you, glaring at you with such intense hatred that you're slightly surprised your hoodie hasn't caught fire
  632. >Maud is on the other side of you
  633. >And you're pretty sure she's giving you the cold shoulder now; she hasn't looked in your direction, nor spoken to you, since you showed back up with Marble
  634. >She's jealous, you're certain of it now
  635. >But... why?
  636. >Literally why would anyone want to deal with you more than they already have to?
  637. >You hope it's not something you did...
  638. >As caught up as you are in your thoughts, you don't notice when Pinkie asks you to draw the first card
  639. "Huh?"
  640. >"Your our guest, so you play first! You draw a card, and it'll either give you a question or a dare, and you can give that question/dare to anyone in the room!"
  641. "A-anyone?"
  642. >"Yep! Just be careful you don't make any enemies! Because they might get ya back!" Pinkie says with a wink
  643. "Okay..."
  644. >Pinkie hands out a splayed deck of cards, and you draw one
  645. >On the reverse side, printed in red ink, is a single line of text
  646. [TICKLE ANY PLAYER'S BELLY]
  647. >A tiny bit of relief washes through you
  648. >Looks like these dares aren't going to be too intense, at least
  649. >You look over at Maud, hoping a little attention will help her
  650. "I d-dare Maud!" you say, and hand her the card
  651. >She glances down at it, then looks up at you
  652. >And she holds that stare for a long, long time
  653. >Then she turns towards her perpetually pissed-off sister
  654. >"I choose Limestone."
  655. >"Like hell you do!"
  656. >"I do. Show me your stomach."
  657. >"No way! Back off!"
  658. >Limestone swings a punch at Maud, but Maud catches her sister's fist without even flinching, like something out of an old Kung-Fu movie
  659. >Limestone goes pale
  660. >"Roll over."
  661. >"Fine! This game sucks anyway! Not like I actually care."'
  662. >She lays on her back, pulling up her shirt to reveal a few inches of bare, bluish-gray stomach
  663. >Maud gingerly pokes a finger into her sister's tummy
  664. >And the reaction on Limestone's face is, well, kind of hard to describe, because her eyes twist in fury while her mouth cracks in this doofy grin
  665. >The whole expression is kind of terrifying
  666. >A single, tiny giggle escapes her lips as blotches of pink appear on her dirt-smudged cheeks
  667. >Then she sits up, shoving Maud away
  668. >"There, you got me! Now back off! Gah!"
  669. >She folds her arms over her tummy, fuming
  670. >Maud sits back in her spot, looking vaguely pleased with herself
  671. >Pinkie hands her the stack next
  672. >"Alright, Maudie! Your turn!"
  673. >Maud pulls out a card, then immediately hands it to you
  674. [HOLD HANDS WITH THE PLAYER ON YOUR LEFT UNTIL THE START OF YOUR NEXT TURN]
  675. >Of course, Maud's the player on your left
  676. >You look up at her, but face remains unreadable, even to you
  677. >She holds out her hand, fingers splayed
  678. >"I choose Femanon, obviously."
  679. "Oh. O-okay."
  680. >You reach out and lace your fingers with Maud's
  681. >Her hand closes around yours, gripping it tightly
  682. >Despite her cold demeanor, Maud's hands are warm enough to make your palms sweat
  683. >You get a little self-conscious about that, and try to pull away in order to wipe them on your pants
  684. >Maud, however, doesn't let you pull away
  685. >Instead, she just squeezes your hand harder, giving you a sad look
  686. "S-sorry, I didn't mean..."
  687. >She squeezes your hand again, cutting you off
  688. >"I think it's your turn, Pinkie" Maud says
  689. >"Sure is!" Pinkie replies
  690. >She whips a card out of the stack, and as she does so, you swear you see something slip out of her sleeve and into her palm
  691. >You can't be sure, though
  692. >Pinkie holds the card up to her face, beaming
  693. >"Aha! This is a doozie! Check it out, Femmy!"
  694. >Pinkie flips the card to you
  695. [KISS A PILLOW FOR ONE MINUTE. YOU MUST ACT LIKE YOU'RE IN LOVE!]
  696. >"I have the perfect pillow, too!" she says with a wink
  697. "W-wha... are you sure that's not, you know, kinda gross?"
  698. >"Not at all! And besides, it's too late now! The dare's been dared!"
  699. >Pinkie jumps up, her bare feet slapping on the floorboards as she runs upstairs
  700. >"Be right baaaaack," she calls, her voice sing-song
  701.  
  702. >When she returns, she tosses a pillow into your lap, grinning
  703. >"Remember, one whole minute! And you have to act like you're really in love!"
  704. "R-right."
  705. >Pinkie stage-whispers to you:
  706. >"That means use tongue, Femmy."
  707. "On... on your pillow? You sure?"
  708. >"I insist! And your timer starts... now!"
  709. "Ah! O-okay!"
  710. >You grab the pillow, holding it up in front of your face
  711. >It's almost as big as you, and there's full-body art of Fili-Second, from Power Ponies, printed along its cover
  712. >Does Pinkie seriously own one of these?
  713. >You've seen them on the internet before (and secretly always kinda wanted one, except with Sailor Mercury), but never actually knew they were a thing people really *bought*, especially cool, normal girls like Pinkie--
  714. >"Hurry up, Femmy!" Pinkie calls out
  715. "R-right!"
  716. >Without thinking, you mash your face against the pillow, right around where Fili-Second's mouth is
  717. >The pillow tastes, well, like a pillow
  718. >You awkwardly cradle the thing, planting little pecks along the drawing of Fili-Second's face
  719. >Remembering Pinkie specifically demanded tongue, you lick the pillow a little, trying to make it look like a convincing kiss
  720. >Which is a little difficult to do, since you're not exactly experienced
  721.  
  722. >When the awkward kissing session finally finishes, you look up from the pillow, your tongue dry and tasting vaguely of Pinkie's hair
  723. >You find all four Pie sisters staring at you
  724. >Pinkie's grinning, Limestone looks like she's going to kill you, Marble is wide-eyed with awe, and Maud is Maud
  725. >All four are blushing furiously
  726. >Pinkie is the first to regain her composure
  727. >She pats you on the back
  728. >"That's my girl! You're a natural!"
  729. "H-heh. For real?"
  730. >"You bet!"
  731. >She takes the pillow from your hands, admiring it
  732. "You, um, might wanna wash that."
  733. >"Nah. Little spit never hurt anyone. And besides, now I can have a little indirect kiss whenever I want."
  734. >She winks at you, and you feel a hot flush creep into your face
  735. "Oh, r-right... wait, for real?"
  736. >She just giggles, sitting back down with the Fili-Second pillow clutched in her lap
  737. >Limestone growls
  738. >"I can't believe you. You're fraternizing with the enemy!"
  739. >"It's okay, Limey. Maybe you'll get a good card."
  740. >Limestone just grumbles as she pulls one out of the deck
  741. >She glances at it
  742. >"It's a stupid truth card! This game sucks!"
  743. >Pinkie pats her shoulder
  744. >"Truth cards are still fun, Limey! Now you can ask anyone a question!"
  745. >"I know what the damn card means! It's just pointless!"
  746. >She hurls it at you, then jabs a finger in your direction
  747. >"You!"
  748. "W-wait, why do I keep getting all of these..."
  749. >"I don't care! I'm questioning you because you're an outsider! I have a duty to protect this team!"
  750. >Behind Limestone, Pinkie is imitating her sister's furious facial expressions, except with her tongue hanging out and drool dribbling down her chin
  751. >It's really, really hard not to laugh
  752. >"Do you think I'm funny!?" Limestone almost screams
  753. "N-no..." you sputter, trying not to giggle
  754. >"Agh! Don't get funny with me! I know you're up to something!"
  755. >Limestone continues to ramble incoherently, veins bulging out on her forehead
  756. >Maud grabs ahold of your hand again, squeezing it protectively
  757. >You look over at her, and she meets your eye as if to say "don't worry, I got this"
  758. >You really aren't that worried, though
  759. >Now that you've realized she's harmless, Limestone is actually pretty amusing
  760. >She's kinda cute, in a weird, psychopathic way
  761. >You wait until she wears herself out and sits back down, then she finally asks her question
  762. >"You! The question says: Where was your first kiss?"
  763. "My first?"
  764. >"That's what it says, idiot!"
  765. >All around you, the Pie sisters perk up
  766. "I mean, I've never really had one b-before. Except with that pillow, heh."
  767. >Silence falls over the room
  768. "Is... is that weird?"
  769. >Pinkie laughs, curling into a ball and rocking on the floor
  770. >"Not weird at all, Femmy! None of us have ever been kissed before either!"
  771. "For real?"
  772. >"Real as real gets!"
  773. >You look at the other sisters for confirmation
  774. >Marble hangs her head; not hard to believe someone as shy as her hasn't been kissed
  775. >Maud registers only the smallest amount of embarrassment, visible only in a slight downtick of her eyes
  776. >You don't suppose the sort of girl who's super concerned with kissing, though
  777. >And Limestone, well
  778. >"Of course I haven't kissed anyone! I don't have any time for that girly crap!"
  779. >She hocks, like she's about to spit, but Maud stops her with a death-glare
  780. "Oh. Heh."
  781. >You pat the back of your head, laughing awkwardly
  782. "That actually k-kinda makes me feel a little better. I thought I was a total weirdo."
  783. >"There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer! Just means your kisses must be extra special!" Pinkie says. "Oh, I know! You should trade first kisses with one of us?"
  784. "W-what?"
  785. >If you'd been drinking something, you'd have done a magnificent spit-take
  786. "Are you... are you serious?"
  787. >"Sure thing! I know how you swing, you sly girl."
  788. "Yeah, but, t-this seems so sudden."
  789. >"What's sudden about it? Everyone here likes you a ton! Just take your pic!"
  790. >Limestone huffs, crossing her arms over her chest
  791. >"Hmph, not me. Leave me out of this froo-froo garbage."
  792. >You notice that she can't quite stop looking at you, though
  793. >Pinkie shrugs
  794. >"Still got three to pick from! So c'mon, Femmy, who's it gonna be?"
  795. "I... I really..."
  796. >You take a glance at each of the sisters again, feeling like you just stumbled into some completely batshit dream
  797. >All four of them lean in, and the room falls silent as they wait for your answer
  798. >"You don't have to be nervous," Maud tells you, her voice neutral as ever, though with a slight quaver that betrays her anticipation. "And if you don't want to kiss one of us, we'll understand. But I think *all of us* would be open to the idea."
  799. >You can't help but notice that Maud scoots several inches towards you when she says "all of us"
  800. >She's still holding your hand too, and her grip is like a vice around you now
  801. >"I wouldn't!" Limestone snarls
  802. >"Yes she would," Maud reassures you. "But don't pick her. She probably hasn't brushed her teeth in a week."
  803. >"There's no sinks out in the field!" Limestone barks back
  804. >Maud gives you a "case in point" kind of look
  805. >You feel tugging at your hoodie sleeve, and look down to see Marble looking up at you
  806. >She leans in close enough to whisper in your ear
  807. >"You don't have to pick me. But if you do... can we please kiss somewhere else? I don't want my sisters to laugh at me if I mess up..."
  808. "I mean... I really don't know if I can pick..."
  809. >You tug at your collar, feeling yourself starting to sweat as four pairs of eyes follow every little cue on your face
  810. >"Sure you can, Femmy! And don't forget you organized this whole sweet party, eh?"
  811. "Yeah, but... but..."
  812. >Your tongue feels thick in your mouth, so thick that you feel almost in danger of swallowing it
  813.  
  814. >So, if you'd been told that four girls were all going to be asking for your first kiss tonight, you'd probably have imagined yourself handling it like some sort of lesbian Cassanova, calmly turning them away and working out an arrangement in which you stole kisses from all of them
  815. >But yeah, that's not what happens
  816. >Because you panic
  817. "Ah! I just forgot, um, I w-was making a lasagna... and the oven is on, or something, so... I r-really gotta... gotta go!"
  818. >Your hand is so sweaty that it slips out of Maud's iron grip, and you sprint for the door
  819. >But when you pull it open, the first thing you get hit by is a wave of cold air, followed by several icy flakes
  820. >It's snowing outside, hard
  821. >Like, there's already several inches piled up at least, with a solid layer of slick black ice on the road
  822. "Oh. It's barely even November, how..."
  823. >All four Pie sisters appear behind you: Pinkie's excitedly beaming, Marble clings to you, Maud stands nearby, watching over you, and Limestone's in the perfect backstabbing position
  824. "How am I gonna get home?"
  825. >You feel Pinkie's hand on your shoulder
  826. >"Femmy? I think this calls for a..."
  827. >She inhales
  828. >"SLUMBER PARTY!"
  829.  
  830. >So here you are, now
  831. >Officially spending the night with the Pies, in a house full of girls desperate to steal your first kiss
  832. >You really thought you'd be more excited about this, but instead you feel terrified
  833. >How are the Pies who don't get the kiss going to react?
  834. >And who really deserves your first?
  835. >You're so lost in your thoughts that you don't notice Pinkie calling your name
  836. >"Fem! Femmy! Listen up, you!"
  837. "Huh?"
  838. >"It's your slumber party, now! What do you wanna do?"
  839. "Oh, uh, I don't really know..."
  840. >"You gotta think of something! We got all night!"
  841. >All four Pie sisters press around you, waiting with baited breath for your answer
  842. "Well, um, we could always, uh..."
  843. >You look over at the bottle of sparkling grape-juice you brought, which Limestone was kind enough to return after you dropped it
  844. >It's just been sitting there all night, like some sort of Chekov's Gun
  845. >Pinkie follows your gaze
  846. >"Ah! Femmy, you're a genius!"
  847. >She grabs up the juice, holding it above her head
  848. >"It's Spin-the-Bottle time, girls!"
  849. >All the Pie sisters lock eyes, tiny sparks flying between them
  850. >"You're going to leave our first kisses to chance?" Maud asks
  851. >"Better than chance! To a super fun game!"
  852. >"This game is stupid! There's no strategy at all!" Limestone grumbles
  853. >"You don't have to play then, grumpy pants," Pinkie says, her face smug
  854. >"Tch. I mean, I'll play, but only to see how stupid it is," Limestone responds
  855. >"Eep..." Marble squeaks
  856. "Do I get a say in this?" you mumble, but you're pretty sure none of the sisters heard you
  857.  
  858. >Five minutes later, you're all seated in a ring again, with the empty bottle in the center
  859. >Each of you has a cup of the juice to sip now, and the Pie sisters all drink theirs while staring each other down
  860. >"So, Femmy! It's your slumber party! You should spin first!"
  861. "Oh, um... n-no, that's okay! You spin first, Maud."
  862. >A tiny smile touches Maud's face
  863. >"Thank you, Femanon. Let me see..."
  864. >She glances over at you, then down at the bottle, placing her hand gingerly atop it
  865. >You can almost see the equations whirring through her head as she tries to figure out the physics of getting it to land on you
  866. >With a flick of her wrist, Maud sends the bottle spinning
  867. >On the rough floor, it isn't long before it begins to slow down, looping around the circle, slowing as it begins to point towards you...
  868. >It overshoots just slightly, and ends up pointing to Marble
  869. >Maud locks eyes with her little sister, a single bead of sweat rolling down her forehead
  870. >"This was not something I expected. I may have made a mistake."
  871. >Marble lets out an embarrassed squeal next to you, hiding her face in her hair
  872. >Even Maud fidgets a little, tracing little circles on the floorboards with her finger
  873. >"Do I have to kiss Marble?" she asks Pinkie
  874. >"Well... I think so. That's the rules of the game," Pinkie says
  875. >"And does it have to be on the mouth?" Maud asks
  876. >"That's how you do it"!
  877. >"Oh. What if I don't?" Maud asks
  878. >A devious grin crosses Pinkie's face
  879. >"Then you're out, of course."
  880. >Maud's face sets in its usual blank stare
  881. >"I see. Does a first kiss count if it's with your sister?" she asks
  882. >"Of course not, silly!" Pinkie replies. "Otherwise, me and Limestone would have lost ours years ago!"
  883. >Limestone looks like she's about to strangle Pinkie
  884. >"I told you not to tell anyone about that!" Limestone hissed
  885. >"Alright," Maud says. "Come here, Marble."
  886. >Marble buries her face in her hands
  887. >"I promise, I'll be gentle. You can trust me," Maud says, her voice soft
  888. >Marble looks up at Maud, then at you
  889. >She drags herself across the floor, over to her sister, and closes her eyes
  890. >Maud closes hers as well, leans in, and places a gentle pick on her sister's mouth
  891. >Despite the blizzard outside, you swear the temperature in the room just jumped ten degrees
  892. >Both sisters return to their places in the circle, unable to look each other in the eye
  893. >Pinkie whistles
  894. >"So, how was it, eh?" she asks Maud
  895. >"Quiet," Maud says
  896. >You're not quite sure if that's a command for Pinkie to shut up, or Maud's comment on the kiss, or both
  897. >Pinkie grabs the bottle, giving it a spin with no regard for where it lands
  898. >Somewhere in the back of your mind, your inner shipper starts to wonder which sister you want it to land on most...
  899. >But you don't get much time to wonder; the bottle comes to a rest with its nozzle pointing at Limestone
  900. >Pinkie looks disappointed for a moment, but quickly recovers
  901. >"Hah! Just like old times, eh Limey?"
  902. >"I said to stop talking about that!" Limestone barks
  903. >She grabs Pinkie by the collar
  904. >"I told you this game was stupid!" Limestone snarls
  905. >"So you give up?"
  906. >"Hell no!"
  907. >And with that, she masses her mouth against her sister's, placing a hot, wet *smack* of a kiss on Pinkie's lips
  908. >The second the kiss breaks, she shoves Pinkie away
  909. >"There. Big whoop. My turn."
  910. >She puts her hand on the bottle, then picks it up and smashes it on the floor
  911. >"Ah, forget this! I've got better things to do then sit around and make out with my sisters! You!"
  912. >She jabs a finger at you
  913. >"These idiots aren't going to let me get any patrolling done until you kiss one of them! So choose!"
  914. "Ah! B-but... but I..."
  915. >"I said to choose!"
  916. "I know but..."
  917. >All the sisters turn to stare at you now
  918. "I like all of you! You're all really cool, and fun to be around, and... I just..."
  919. >You fidget with the strings of your hoodie, feeling like a sweaty, embarrassed mess
  920. "I couldn't pick just one of you!"
  921. >Silence falls over the room
  922. >Pinkie is the first to speak, throwing her arms around her sisters
  923. >"Well, why didn't you say so! You can just smooch all of us!"
  924. "A-all of you!?"
  925. >Far from cracking, your voice just straight-up shatters
  926. "Are you... you mean... really?"
  927. >"Of course I mean really!" Pinkie says. "Unless anyone here has a problem with that?"
  928. >Maud shrugs
  929. >"That sounds acceptable to me," she says
  930. >Marble squeaks, scooting a little closer to you, and nods
  931. >The four of you look at Limestone, who crosses her arms over her chest
  932. >"Absolutely not! I don't want your nasty mouth anywhere near mine!"
  933. >Pinkie laughs
  934. >"Guess Limey doesn't get a kiss, then!"
  935. >"Good thing I don't want one! I'm going back outside!"
  936. >"In the snow?" Pinkie asks
  937. >Limestone freezes, halfway to the door, muttering curses under her breath
  938. >"Ugh! I'll be upstairs! Enjoy your shitty gay kiss-fest," Limestone snarls as she stomps up the stairs
  939. >"Oh, don't worry! We sure will!" Pinkie calls after her
  940. >Limestone pauses halfway up the stairs, then sprints back down
  941. >"Back so soon?" Pinkie asks
  942. >"Shut up! I still need to keep my eye on her!" Limestone says, pointing to you
  943. >"I don't think that's all you want to put on her," Maud says
  944. >Limestone grinds her teeth, her face crimson with anger
  945. >"I'm gonna murder all of you in your sleep..."
  946. >"Your toy gun will make that easy, I'm sure," Maud replies
  947. >Limestone's so angry she can't even speak, and just goes back to sputtering incoherently
  948. >Pinkie snickers, then you feel her grab you by the arm, pulling you closer towards her and Maud
  949. >Marble continues to cling to you, and all four Pie sisters press in on all sides, enclosing you in a circle of blushing, panting sisters
  950. "Oh, j-jeez... I..."
  951. >Maud circles her arms around your waist, holding you in place
  952. "I didn't realize you meant... a-all at once..."
  953. >"Of course, silly! It's the only way that's fair!" Pinkie says. "Now pucker up!"
  954. >Your brain is firing on all cylinders now, trying to process just what's going on
  955. >Nobody's ever wanted to kiss you before!
  956. >Nobody's even wanted to sit next to you at lunch
  957. >Now four at once?
  958. >This is clearly some sort of dream, but you really hope it doesn't turn into one of those terrifying ones where you're kissing a girl, then she turns into a face-chewing alien
  959. >Or one of the really, really bad dreams, the ones where you're kissing this gorgeous girl who you love with all your heart, then you wake up
  960. >Pinkie's hand goes to the side of your face, warmth radiating from her palm as she cups your cheek
  961. "I, um... you're sure I'm r-really the girl you want to... to lose your first kiss to?"
  962. >"Absolutely!" Pinkie says
  963. >"I'm more than sure," Maud adds
  964. >"Eep," says Marble
  965. >Pinkie, Marble, and Maud close around you, while Limestone turns away from them, her arms crossed and her nose up in the air
  966. >"Fuckin' gay," she mumbles
  967. >Maud and Marble both hold you from the sides, while Pinkie gets you from the front, enclosing you in a three-way Pie-sister hug
  968. >"Don't be so nervous, Femmy! This is gonna be fu-u-u-un!"
  969. >"I concur with Pinkie," Maud adds in
  970. >Marble squeaks
  971. >"Now c'mere, Maudy."
  972. >Pinkie throws her arm around her sister's shoulders, pulling Maud's face towards hers
  973. >The two sisters press their cheeks against each other, their lips barely touching
  974. >Marble has to hold her hands over her eyes, her face pink with embarrassment, but she takes Pinkie's other cheek, and all three sisters angle their heads to make sure their mouths are touching, leaving just enough room for yours to join in
  975. >With her hand still cupping your cheek, Pinkie slowly brings you in the kiss
  976. >You're shaking so hard you can barely get your lips to make contact
  977. >You kiss Pinkie first, technically, and Maud and Marble's lips press in from either side, kissing both their sister and you at the same time
  978. >Your first impression of the kiss is just how incredibly different the sisters' lips are
  979. >Even with your eyes closed, you can easily tells whose mouth is whose, just by feel
  980. >Maud's lips are stone-still and pleasantly cool; like her, her kiss is dignified and calm
  981. >Pinkie's are the exact opposite; her lips are warm and taste vaguely sweet, like she applied some kind of candy lip-gloss beforehand
  982. >Wait, was she... was she expecting this kiss to happen?
  983. >You feel mildly terrified of that thought
  984. >Marble's lips, as you'd expect, are beyond delicate; their soft, flowery little things that tremble at your touch
  985. >A loud, wet *smack* reaches your ears as Pinkie opens her mouth, letting her tongue flick across your and her sisters' lips
  986. >Marble pulls away for a moment, surprised, but Maud seems unphased
  987. >She opens her mouth as well, letting her tongue wrestle with her sister's, both of them leaving trails of saliva over your lips which the other then licks up
  988. >Marble is too nervous to use any tongue; she just keeps making these little pecks against your lips, not seeming to care if she occasionally gets a bit of the lick treatment from Maud and Pinkie as well
  989. >All four of your hearts are hammering now, and the sisters hug you tighter as the kiss continues
  990. >Gingerly, and beyond nervous, you open your mouth
  991. >Sensing the opening, Maud and Pinkie push deeper into the kiss, both their tongues pushing into your mouth
  992. >Your own slender muscle intertwines with theirs, finding itself sandwiched between Maud's strong, gentle tongue and Pinkie's exuberant one
  993. >Little dribbles of mixed spit are running down your chin now, as both sisters try to taste as much of the inside of your mouth as they can
  994. >You're so focused on playing goalie in this two-on-one tonsil hockey match that you barely notice the tiny, delicate Marble-tongue poking curiously at the corners of your mouth
  995. >You wrap an arm around her waist and give her a friendly squeeze
  996. >She lets out a tiny coo of delight, and goes back to placing innocent little kisses on your cheek
  997. >That seems to make her happier than the three-way makeout was, at least
  998. >When the kiss ends, you and the three sisters sit back, staring at each other
  999. "W-wow..."
  1000. >"I know, right!? Best first-kiss ever!"
  1001. >Maud wipes her hand along her mouth
  1002. >"That was enjoyable."
  1003. >Marble nods
  1004. >She buries her face in the crook of your neck, nuzzling you with her face
  1005. >You're breathing too heavily to respond
  1006. "That was... that was amazing... my Japanese comic books never said it'd be like this..."
  1007. >"Your what?" Maud asks
  1008. "N-nothing! I um, w-wow..."
  1009. >You slump into the sister's triple hug
  1010. "Thank you three..."
  1011. >"Thank us? No, thank *you*, Femmy! This party is awesome!"
  1012. >She pats you on the back of the head
  1013. >"So? What next?"
  1014. "Well..."
  1015. >You glance over at Limestone, who's still stewing by herself in the corner
  1016. >She catches you watching her and looks away
  1017. >"H-ha! You call that kissing? That was amateur hour!" she says
  1018. >"I don't remember you being that great either, Limey," Pinkie reminds her
  1019. >"Yeah? Says you! Watch!"
  1020. >Before you have a chance to react, Limestone grabs you by the throat and viciously mashes her mouth to yours, in a kiss that feels way too similar to the "dream where an alien eats your face" variety
  1021. >The kiss finishes as quickly as it started, and Limestone tossed you back into the embrace of her sisters
  1022. >She's staring at you now, her face blushing so hard it's practically glowing
  1023. >"T-that..."
  1024. >Her voice cracks, making her sound nervous and girlish
  1025. >"I mean, *that's* how you kiss someone! Fucking amateur hour! I'm going back upstairs."
  1026. >She runs back upstairs, muttering angrily under her breath
  1027. >When she's gone, the other sisters close in around you, surrounding you in a cocoon of warm bodies
  1028. "Whoa..."
  1029. >"I think she likes you," Marble whispers in your ear
  1030. "That's not the impression I'm getting..."
  1031. >"Of course she likes you! We all do!"
  1032. >Pink throws her arms around her sisters, squeezing all three of you against her chest
  1033. >All of you fall backwards against the couch, wrapped up in a giant cuddle-pile
  1034. >"So, femmy! You just got three new girlfriends! How's it feel?"
  1035. "W-whoa, girlfriends? We're going that f-far already?"
  1036. >"My sister has a bad tendency of jumping ahead of herself," Maud assured you. "However, I wouldn't be against the idea."
  1037. >Marble nods, resting her head on your shoulder
  1038. >"I would like that too, if it means I can be around you more..." she whispers
  1039. "Are you... are you all serious? Me? Why would you want m-me?"
  1040. >"Because you're super duper fun, and crazy-cute!" Pinkie says
  1041. >"I share my sister's sentiments, but I'd put it another way. You're stimulating to talk to and I find you attractive."
  1042. >"You make me feel safe..." Marble mumbles
  1043. "Oh... oh my God..."
  1044. >You really don't know how to process this
  1045. >A person like you isn't built to handle so much love, you think
  1046. "So, like... we're a thing, then? All four of us?"
  1047. >"Five!" Pinkie says. "Limestone's totally gonna want in."
  1048. "A-are you serious? She hates me."
  1049. >"Almost as much as she hates us! It's just her special way of liking things."
  1050. "Her special way isn't gonna get me killed, is it?"
  1051. >"Limestone is harmless," Maud assures you. "If she gets to be too much to handle, poke her in the stomach. She can't handle that."
  1052. "Okay..."
  1053. >"If this isn't an acceptable arrangement, we won't hold it against you if you back out," Maud says
  1054. "No! No, it's totally acceptable! It's awesome! I'm just, you know, having a little trouble believing it's real. I never thought I'd get a girlfriend at all... especially not four..."
  1055. >"I think I speak for the rest of my sisters when I say we're happy to have proven you wrong," Maud says
  1056. >"So?" Pinkie asks. "What're we gonna do now, bae?"
  1057. >Maud glares at her
  1058. >"Don't start calling her that, or we're all voting you out of this cuddle-pile."
  1059. >"Fine, fine. So, Femmy? What now?"
  1060. >Once again returning to that aforementioned "Dyke Casanova" fantasy, you'd probably have imagined yourself saying something insanely smooth, and turning this new relationship into you losing your virginity
  1061. >But you panic, because of course you do
  1062. >You can barely handle this happening at all, never mind twist it into losing your V-card
  1063. >So you, as always, say something stupid
  1064. "Uh... C-Crunchyroll and chill?"
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