Daniel aka "Dodger"

Hello, my name is Daniel. As of July 20th of 2018, I am 24 years old, and I live in Erie, Pennsylvania. I don't want to have a silent demise, so I want to spread my message out as much as I can. Not only am I going to share my self-ultimatum on as many internet platforms as I can, but I'm also going to print out several copies and physically mail them out to my family members, so I can have my side of the story shared with the world, so it doesn't get covered up by my family.

I've already stated several times throughout my internet history that I have a very dark and depressing life, but one thing that I didn't mention and sort of covered up to everyone I've met on the internet, and almost kept it a secret because I was scared of being bullied and ridiculed. Not only am I diagnosed with Autism, I was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, and I have been suffering from it since birth. I do have a wheelchair, but I don't use it unless I go outside, when I'm inside, I mostly use crutches and sometimes a walker if the cramping is too much for me to bear. My mother and my sister have assisted me throughout my life, and I love them dearly for it and no amount of graditude I could provide would be enough to express how much I truly owe them. But unfortunately, tragedy has struck me like a bolt of lightning, my sister died of a stroke due to heavy drug use. I knew she was taking pills and smoked a little weed, but we had no idea that her drug use was heavy until we looked into her handbags and we saw syringes inside of them. It broke almost all of our hearts when we saw the signs in front of our faces and we didn't provide her with the help she truly needed. When my mom was in the hospital with cancer ten years ago, all I had to fill the void was my sister. She did everything she could to tolerate my disorder and dedicated the majority of her day, every day, to take care of me, despite me telling her to go out and enjoy her day and not worry about me. I just wished that I would have hugged her one last time and told her how much I love her for everything she has done for me before she died. Thankfully my mother is still alive, and she just got out of the hospital two weeks ago after she had a heart attack due to the stress of losing my sister, but she has some skeletons in her closet that she has been trying to bury for years, and I don't think I can ever forgive her for that.

I've been bullied because of my condition throughout my life, including my childhood. I was beaten relentlessly by my father countless times during his drunken rages because he was upset at God that I was born with an illness, and he has admitted to me several times that he regretted having me and I was an "unfinished child" and I "should have been aborted and he should have conceived another kid with your mom instead." He has punched me in the face, thrown me down a flight of stairs, kicked me in the ribs, spit on me, thrown objects at me, and my mom covered up everything because he was the only one with a career and "we would be homeless if it weren't for his income," and has thought that her being my caretaker was enough work for her to handle. I just wish she would have divorced the piece of shit and brought up everything he did to us to a divorce lawyer, so she could suck every penny out of him and move away from him. But no, she chose not to. She took up a life of domestic abuse and watching her children get abused as well and will result in her losing both of her children before they reach their 30's. It seemed like he decided to take his frustrations out on me until I miraculously stood up straight, and my condition was suddenly "vanished" overnight, as if my life was some sort of video game, where I can change everything about myself with a push of a button. Fucking moron.

I've been bullied in school because of it, to the point where I have fought back ONCE, and that was enough to get me expelled from school instead because the kid I defended myself against by headbutting him, and kicking him in the face while he was down- was black, and I have "committed a racist hate crime" and the school district refused to hear my side of the story until my parents hired a lawyer. Despite that, they couldn't remove the fight from my criminal record, and they have made it impossible for me to get a job because not only do the employees think I'm a useless cripple, but they also think I'm a racist bigot as well. I suffer from intense PTSD, I get nightmares almost every night, every time I wake up in the morning I instantly get hit with a tidal wave of flashbacks. I've been on almost every anti-depressant and nothing has worked. I've tried smoking weed and all it did was increase my paranoia. and I feel like I'm going to put an unfortunate end to it soon because of all of the mistakes I have committed that have made me feel ultimately worse than how I felt going into it.

I feel worthless. I don't have the proper education to utilize any of my abilities, and I feel like if I did, no one would bother batting an eyelash towards me because of my condition. I have tried applying for an online IT class, because I love technology, but I have failed several exams because studying was far more complex than I thought it would be, and I dropped out after one semester. When my parents heard that I dropped out, they were upset, especially my father. Because he still lives in this false sense of reality after 24 years that I can climb out of my wheelchair and do backflips and jumping jacks and shit, like it's all some sort of disability fraud scam.

I'm socially awkward, I can't make friends in person because they think I'm a crippled, quiet weirdo. I get told constantly to just try harder, but every time I do, I figuratively fall on my ass and I either get laughed at, or people just express their disappointment in me,and  it leaves me feeling even more depressed and suicidal than I was going into it and I can't make friends with people on the internet without me getting overly attached to them, and they either do something to me, or I do something to them and we both end up burning bridges. I even tried to make friends with a girl on the internet recently. When she first started talking to me, it was great. It felt like we both shared some sort of bond together, and I was actually happy to realize that she was some sort of friend of mine, and it added some sort of shine in my life that I haven't felt in a while. Even though we only knew each other based on our Discord usernames and avatars and the stuff we would post to each other, it stil felt like we shared some sort of connection and I loved it. Three months went by, and she made me feel absolutely worthless after I caught her lying about her age, and she was flirting with other men, including sending them naked pictures, and when I called her out on it, she had the nerve to tell me that she wouldn't have minded if I would have stopped talking to her after she started giving me "fuck off" vibes initally when I first started messaging her, but she decided to give me a chance when we both shared an interest in right-wing politics. Needless to say, I told her off and I have burnt that bridge with her, and while I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I still cried myself to sleep about it for two nights straight, and I only have myself to blame for being overly sensitive and overly attached to online usernames and avatars.

I'm going to kill myself soon. I already have the date of my suicide written down. I am 100% committed to doing this. I just want to have a healthy body and a healthy mind, but society, bad genes, and myself have ultimately fucked my life over.

Daniel aka "Dodger"
1994-2018