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Perant, Junior_Djjr: [GTA SA] Cris Formage interview with english subtitles (WCTR)

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Nov 16th, 2020
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  1. 0:00:00.438,0:00:04.872
  2. Announcer: "The most boring show, with a brand new host! Entertaining America with Lazlow."
  3.  
  4. 0:00:06.130,0:00:14.046
  5. Lazlow: "Welcome to Entertaining America on WCTR with me, Lazlow. So, the media. You may hate us, but, I gotta tell ya', we hate ourselves more.
  6.  
  7. 0:00:14.381,0:00:23.639
  8. And stop accusing us of being liberal! What a load of crap! This station is owned by AmmuNation! I mean, have you ever heard anyone complain about guns on this station?
  9.  
  10. 0:00:23.904,0:00:26.924
  11. Hosts are getting shot by them all the time, but it just gets glossed over.
  12.  
  13. 0:00:27.009,0:00:34.167
  14. But it also means I now have a job. If you're afraid of your mortality, and never want to die, here's the solution:
  15.  
  16. 0:00:34.578,0:00:42.363
  17. It's a man who's got all of America talking with his unique approach to spiritual matters. He's helped thousands, or so the press pack tells me.
  18.  
  19. 0:00:42.363,0:00:45.733
  20. Chris Formage, founder of the Epsilon Program is here, hello Chris!"
  21.  
  22. 0:00:45.733,0:00:47.733
  23. Chris: "Kifflom, brother brother."
  24.  
  25. 0:00:47.935,0:00:54.292
  26. Lazlow: "Heh heh, what does that mean, man? So, Epsilonism? Is it a load of crap, or is it the future?"
  27.  
  28. 0:00:54.931,0:00:56.465
  29. Chris: "Well, what do you think Lazlow?"
  30.  
  31. 0:00:56.668,0:01:02.588
  32. Lazlow: "I don't know. Well, I mean, I grow my own religion, which is why I don't know, 'cause I'm kinda spaced out.
  33.  
  34. 0:01:02.588,0:01:05.271
  35. I mean, you guys run around chanting 'lip balm.'
  36.  
  37. 0:01:05.271,0:01:06.922
  38. Chris: "It's 'Kifflom.'"
  39.  
  40. 0:01:06.922,0:01:12.726
  41. Lazlow: "Well, whatever. Both sound addictive to me. You know, only popular people are addicted to either. Lets go to the phones."
  42.  
  43. 0:01:12.817,0:01:18.926
  44. Caller: "Hey, Chris, Epsilon sounds awesome! But if you read the fossil record, hunter-gatherer dudes had it made.
  45.  
  46. 0:01:19.072,0:01:27.032
  47. I mean who wouldn't want to drag their women around by their hair? They smoked anything they could find! That's like so freaking cool!
  48.  
  49. 0:01:27.238,0:01:32.779
  50. Then all the men would like disappear for days at a time, and you'd only hear beasts shrieking in the distance."
  51.  
  52. 0:01:32.816,0:01:35.384
  53. Lazlow: "You know, I went to a museum once. That guy's got a point."
  54.  
  55. 0:01:35.636,0:01:41.279
  56. Chris: "Points are irrelevant, Lazlow. Let me ask you something. Do you want to be happy, Lazlow?"
  57.  
  58. 0:01:41.496,0:01:44.079
  59. Lazlow: "What kind of question is that? Yes, obviously."
  60.  
  61. 0:01:44.080,0:01:47.493
  62. Chris: "Then why do you mock the happiness of others?"
  63.  
  64. 0:01:47.618,0:01:53.873
  65. Lazlow: "Well, I mean, this is Vinewood, we're all supposed to be like psychotic, and dog-eat-dog, and, y'know, bang your best friend's wife.
  66.  
  67. 0:01:53.952,0:02:02.524
  68. I mean, I'm with that last guy. We all have a primitive side there, Chris. I mean, you should have heard the music I used to like in the eighties, it was freaking hysterical..."
  69.  
  70. 0:02:02.650,0:02:06.617
  71. Chris: "What's hysterical about being descended from a sponge, and not knowing it?"
  72.  
  73. 0:02:06.617,0:02:07.117
  74. Chris: "What's funny about being told that the world is millions of years old when in fact it's only a 157 years old - fact! - and its age does not change?"
  75.  
  76. 0:02:07.171,0:02:17.754
  77. Cris: "O que é engraçado em ouvir que o mundo tem milhões de anos, quando, de fato, tem apenas 157 anos - fato! - e sua idade não muda?"
  78.  
  79. 0:02:17.948,0:02:26.287
  80. Lazlow: "There's nothing funny about that. It's just...weird. You know, that voice of yours man, holy shit! I could believe anything you say!"
  81.  
  82. 0:02:26.374,0:02:32.469
  83. Chris: "My time has come Lazlow, and so has yours, if! If you let it."
  84.  
  85. 0:02:32.496,0:02:40.135
  86. Lazlow: "Um, well, you know what, that sounds good to me... Hey, wait! Are you gonna try to sign me up for the military? That happened once before.
  87.  
  88. 0:02:40.155,0:02:44.924
  89. I mean, I'm into killing people, and I can say, 'I'll cry when I'm done killing!' and then there's hope-"
  90.  
  91. 0:02:44.924,0:02:53.264
  92. Chris: "Listen my friend, you can mock, but I know the truth about you. I can see past your jokes and into that scared little boy beneath.
  93.  
  94. 0:02:53.470,0:02:58.443
  95. You, you my friend, like a lot of other people, are being lied to."
  96.  
  97. 0:02:58.482,0:03:04.548
  98. Lazlow: "I totally agree with you, finally. Inversion therapy! I owe my Mom a huge apology, ugh!"
  99.  
  100. 0:03:04.549,0:03:08.327
  101. Chris: "Listen, pick a new set of lies! Mine are better.
  102.  
  103. 0:03:08.487,0:03:12.454
  104. Let me ask you something. When did you last get laid, Lazlow?"
  105.  
  106. 0:03:12.588,0:03:16.584
  107. Lazlow: "Heh... Speaking of lies... Wait, look, I'm not an egg."
  108.  
  109. 0:03:16.814,0:03:20.000
  110. Chris: "I got laid this morning. By twins."
  111.  
  112. 0:03:20.000,0:03:20.500
  113. Lazlow: "Whoa..."
  114.  
  115. 0:03:20.500,0:03:23.811
  116. Chris: "They each laid an egg, and I formed out of them."
  117.  
  118. 0:03:23.881,0:03:29.699
  119. Lazlow: "What are you talking about? Great, a horny cult leader with a breakfast fixation. I love it!
  120.  
  121. 0:03:29.733,0:03:35.391
  122. You know, I'm thinking of a cult centered around grits. Oh wait, sorry, there already is one, and it's called, the "South..." [Southern Cult reference?]
  123.  
  124. 0:03:35.391,0:03:38.950
  125. Chris: "For the last time, this is not a cult, Lazlow.
  126.  
  127. 0:03:39.021,0:03:45.990
  128. It's a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges.
  129.  
  130. 0:03:45.992,0:03:52.203
  131. Every single thing we do is voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up."
  132.  
  133. 0:03:52.309,0:03:57.121
  134. Lazlow: "Why is this whole town obsessed with swinging? *sigh* Let's go to the phones."
  135.  
  136. 0:03:57.124,0:04:01.601
  137. Caller: "Hey, Lazlow, love the show man. Hey, I really love to make out with hot chicks in church."
  138.  
  139. 0:04:01.602,0:04:08.644
  140. Chris: "Perfect. Join us. We've put a price on salvation, and it's a price worth paying, believe me.
  141.  
  142. 0:04:08.644,0:04:17.275
  143. Look, if you crave sexual conquest, family betrayal, class warfare, and really feeling like you are a part of something,
  144.  
  145. 0:04:17.275,0:04:23.778
  146. then just do it. Just do it! It's so easy! Join the Epsilon group."
  147.  
  148. 0:04:24.229,0:04:29.653
  149. Lazlow: "Uh...Chris, stop trying to recruit people. I mean, you even say you just make this stuff up. Let's go to the phones."
  150.  
  151. 0:04:29.717,0:04:31.367
  152. Darius: "Hi, L-Lazlow!"
  153.  
  154. 0:04:31.367,0:04:34.504
  155. Lazlow: "Ah, Darius Fontaine! Look, I told you to leave me alone!"
  156.  
  157. 0:04:34.504,0:04:43.790
  158. Darius: "Look, look, it was an unfortunate incident that happened to your mother, but I was quite clear: grandmother, not mother! It's your fault it doesn't work."
  159.  
  160. 0:04:43.790,0:04:48.457
  161. Lazlow: "I nearly went to prison, man! What you told me to do was illegal! In most states..."
  162.  
  163. 0:04:48.457,0:04:55.207
  164. Darius: "Whatever. Look, Chris Formage is a liar and a cheat. He made it up! It doesn't help anyone, apart from him!
  165.  
  166. 0:04:55.208,0:05:02.366
  167. The fact is, people need to face their fears! Remember, I always say that. Face your fears, don't run away!"
  168.  
  169. 0:05:02.491,0:05:05.817
  170. Chris: "Darius Fontaine can kiss my ass."
  171.  
  172. 0:05:06.110,0:05:08.839
  173. Darius: "Oh, you'd like that would-would you like that?"
  174.  
  175. 0:05:08.839,0:05:18.169
  176. Chris: "I don't think so. And I'll tell you why. Because you are the devil. People aren't really afraid, you know. Yet you make them kill their families-"
  177.  
  178. 0:05:18.169,0:05:23.070
  179. Darius: "Fears have to be faced! That's what I always say! Just ask Lazlow!"
  180.  
  181. 0:05:23.070,0:05:26.891
  182. Lazlow: "Hey, don't bring me into this ruckus, Darius, this is between you two whackos, I mean..
  183.  
  184. 0:05:26.891,0:05:30.072
  185. And you stay away from me, Darius, I've got a restraining order, dude."
  186.  
  187. 0:05:30.073,0:05:41.428
  188. Chris: "Lazlow. The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Just a second, I want you to try something. Touch my cane."
  189.  
  190. 0:05:41.704,0:05:45.190
  191. Lazlow: "This whole town, man...I think you've seen too many movies, dude."
  192.  
  193. 0:05:45.273,0:05:51.834
  194. Chris: "You can be happy! Listen! Join us! Be famous! Find your true self.
  195.  
  196. 0:05:51.834,0:05:59.444
  197. Have a breast, nose surgery, whatever you want! Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything.
  198.  
  199. 0:05:59.509,0:06:07.309
  200. If there are no women, make them. From sand, from garbage, out of thin air! The rich cry too, Lazlow."
  201.  
  202. 0:06:07.468,0:06:12.601
  203. Lazlow: "Well, that's an interesting theory, that seems like it was formerly with pharmaceuticals...
  204.  
  205. 0:06:12.610,0:06:17.932
  206. but, you know, I would like to find about being rich crying, because right now, I'm poor, and crying.
  207.  
  208. 0:06:17.932,0:06:21.243
  209. But, this is the west coast - I'm all into lesbians, man."
  210.  
  211. 0:06:21.272,0:06:33.982
  212. Chris: "It's destiny. Vinewood only lets you down. In the Epsilon program, there are no series finales. It goes on, and on, and on. We don't abandon you."
  213.  
  214. 0:06:34.215,0:06:36.113
  215. Lazlow: "Uh, well, we're gonna have to abandon this show.
  216.  
  217. 0:06:36.113,0:06:42.878
  218. Great, my first show and the dude nearly kills me, and now I'm being harassed by a former sociology professor and a alcoholic turned self-deifying cultist.
  219.  
  220. 0:06:42.878,0:06:45.447
  221. Please. I gotta get back to the east coast.
  222.  
  223. 0:06:45.447,0:06:48.525
  224. This has been Entertaining America with Lazlow, on WCTR."
  225.  
  226. 0:06:48.846,0:06:51.680
  227. Announcer: "Culturally, this country is flat-lining. Now you know why."
  228.  
  229.  
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