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- 0:00:00.438,0:00:04.872
- Announcer: "The most boring show, with a brand new host! Entertaining America with Lazlow."
- 0:00:06.130,0:00:14.046
- Lazlow: "Welcome to Entertaining America on WCTR with me, Lazlow. So, the media. You may hate us, but, I gotta tell ya', we hate ourselves more.
- 0:00:14.381,0:00:23.639
- And stop accusing us of being liberal! What a load of crap! This station is owned by AmmuNation! I mean, have you ever heard anyone complain about guns on this station?
- 0:00:23.904,0:00:26.924
- Hosts are getting shot by them all the time, but it just gets glossed over.
- 0:00:27.009,0:00:34.167
- But it also means I now have a job. If you're afraid of your mortality, and never want to die, here's the solution:
- 0:00:34.578,0:00:42.363
- It's a man who's got all of America talking with his unique approach to spiritual matters. He's helped thousands, or so the press pack tells me.
- 0:00:42.363,0:00:45.733
- Chris Formage, founder of the Epsilon Program is here, hello Chris!"
- 0:00:45.733,0:00:47.733
- Chris: "Kifflom, brother brother."
- 0:00:47.935,0:00:54.292
- Lazlow: "Heh heh, what does that mean, man? So, Epsilonism? Is it a load of crap, or is it the future?"
- 0:00:54.931,0:00:56.465
- Chris: "Well, what do you think Lazlow?"
- 0:00:56.668,0:01:02.588
- Lazlow: "I don't know. Well, I mean, I grow my own religion, which is why I don't know, 'cause I'm kinda spaced out.
- 0:01:02.588,0:01:05.271
- I mean, you guys run around chanting 'lip balm.'
- 0:01:05.271,0:01:06.922
- Chris: "It's 'Kifflom.'"
- 0:01:06.922,0:01:12.726
- Lazlow: "Well, whatever. Both sound addictive to me. You know, only popular people are addicted to either. Lets go to the phones."
- 0:01:12.817,0:01:18.926
- Caller: "Hey, Chris, Epsilon sounds awesome! But if you read the fossil record, hunter-gatherer dudes had it made.
- 0:01:19.072,0:01:27.032
- I mean who wouldn't want to drag their women around by their hair? They smoked anything they could find! That's like so freaking cool!
- 0:01:27.238,0:01:32.779
- Then all the men would like disappear for days at a time, and you'd only hear beasts shrieking in the distance."
- 0:01:32.816,0:01:35.384
- Lazlow: "You know, I went to a museum once. That guy's got a point."
- 0:01:35.636,0:01:41.279
- Chris: "Points are irrelevant, Lazlow. Let me ask you something. Do you want to be happy, Lazlow?"
- 0:01:41.496,0:01:44.079
- Lazlow: "What kind of question is that? Yes, obviously."
- 0:01:44.080,0:01:47.493
- Chris: "Then why do you mock the happiness of others?"
- 0:01:47.618,0:01:53.873
- Lazlow: "Well, I mean, this is Vinewood, we're all supposed to be like psychotic, and dog-eat-dog, and, y'know, bang your best friend's wife.
- 0:01:53.952,0:02:02.524
- I mean, I'm with that last guy. We all have a primitive side there, Chris. I mean, you should have heard the music I used to like in the eighties, it was freaking hysterical..."
- 0:02:02.650,0:02:06.617
- Chris: "What's hysterical about being descended from a sponge, and not knowing it?"
- 0:02:06.617,0:02:07.117
- Chris: "What's funny about being told that the world is millions of years old when in fact it's only a 157 years old - fact! - and its age does not change?"
- 0:02:07.171,0:02:17.754
- Cris: "O que é engraçado em ouvir que o mundo tem milhões de anos, quando, de fato, tem apenas 157 anos - fato! - e sua idade não muda?"
- 0:02:17.948,0:02:26.287
- Lazlow: "There's nothing funny about that. It's just...weird. You know, that voice of yours man, holy shit! I could believe anything you say!"
- 0:02:26.374,0:02:32.469
- Chris: "My time has come Lazlow, and so has yours, if! If you let it."
- 0:02:32.496,0:02:40.135
- Lazlow: "Um, well, you know what, that sounds good to me... Hey, wait! Are you gonna try to sign me up for the military? That happened once before.
- 0:02:40.155,0:02:44.924
- I mean, I'm into killing people, and I can say, 'I'll cry when I'm done killing!' and then there's hope-"
- 0:02:44.924,0:02:53.264
- Chris: "Listen my friend, you can mock, but I know the truth about you. I can see past your jokes and into that scared little boy beneath.
- 0:02:53.470,0:02:58.443
- You, you my friend, like a lot of other people, are being lied to."
- 0:02:58.482,0:03:04.548
- Lazlow: "I totally agree with you, finally. Inversion therapy! I owe my Mom a huge apology, ugh!"
- 0:03:04.549,0:03:08.327
- Chris: "Listen, pick a new set of lies! Mine are better.
- 0:03:08.487,0:03:12.454
- Let me ask you something. When did you last get laid, Lazlow?"
- 0:03:12.588,0:03:16.584
- Lazlow: "Heh... Speaking of lies... Wait, look, I'm not an egg."
- 0:03:16.814,0:03:20.000
- Chris: "I got laid this morning. By twins."
- 0:03:20.000,0:03:20.500
- Lazlow: "Whoa..."
- 0:03:20.500,0:03:23.811
- Chris: "They each laid an egg, and I formed out of them."
- 0:03:23.881,0:03:29.699
- Lazlow: "What are you talking about? Great, a horny cult leader with a breakfast fixation. I love it!
- 0:03:29.733,0:03:35.391
- You know, I'm thinking of a cult centered around grits. Oh wait, sorry, there already is one, and it's called, the "South..." [Southern Cult reference?]
- 0:03:35.391,0:03:38.950
- Chris: "For the last time, this is not a cult, Lazlow.
- 0:03:39.021,0:03:45.990
- It's a fellowship of like-minded adults who tithe money in exchange for salvation and merit badges.
- 0:03:45.992,0:03:52.203
- Every single thing we do is voluntary, including the swinging, and making things up."
- 0:03:52.309,0:03:57.121
- Lazlow: "Why is this whole town obsessed with swinging? *sigh* Let's go to the phones."
- 0:03:57.124,0:04:01.601
- Caller: "Hey, Lazlow, love the show man. Hey, I really love to make out with hot chicks in church."
- 0:04:01.602,0:04:08.644
- Chris: "Perfect. Join us. We've put a price on salvation, and it's a price worth paying, believe me.
- 0:04:08.644,0:04:17.275
- Look, if you crave sexual conquest, family betrayal, class warfare, and really feeling like you are a part of something,
- 0:04:17.275,0:04:23.778
- then just do it. Just do it! It's so easy! Join the Epsilon group."
- 0:04:24.229,0:04:29.653
- Lazlow: "Uh...Chris, stop trying to recruit people. I mean, you even say you just make this stuff up. Let's go to the phones."
- 0:04:29.717,0:04:31.367
- Darius: "Hi, L-Lazlow!"
- 0:04:31.367,0:04:34.504
- Lazlow: "Ah, Darius Fontaine! Look, I told you to leave me alone!"
- 0:04:34.504,0:04:43.790
- Darius: "Look, look, it was an unfortunate incident that happened to your mother, but I was quite clear: grandmother, not mother! It's your fault it doesn't work."
- 0:04:43.790,0:04:48.457
- Lazlow: "I nearly went to prison, man! What you told me to do was illegal! In most states..."
- 0:04:48.457,0:04:55.207
- Darius: "Whatever. Look, Chris Formage is a liar and a cheat. He made it up! It doesn't help anyone, apart from him!
- 0:04:55.208,0:05:02.366
- The fact is, people need to face their fears! Remember, I always say that. Face your fears, don't run away!"
- 0:05:02.491,0:05:05.817
- Chris: "Darius Fontaine can kiss my ass."
- 0:05:06.110,0:05:08.839
- Darius: "Oh, you'd like that would-would you like that?"
- 0:05:08.839,0:05:18.169
- Chris: "I don't think so. And I'll tell you why. Because you are the devil. People aren't really afraid, you know. Yet you make them kill their families-"
- 0:05:18.169,0:05:23.070
- Darius: "Fears have to be faced! That's what I always say! Just ask Lazlow!"
- 0:05:23.070,0:05:26.891
- Lazlow: "Hey, don't bring me into this ruckus, Darius, this is between you two whackos, I mean..
- 0:05:26.891,0:05:30.072
- And you stay away from me, Darius, I've got a restraining order, dude."
- 0:05:30.073,0:05:41.428
- Chris: "Lazlow. The only way that you can really communicate with your ancestors is to pay someone like me. Just a second, I want you to try something. Touch my cane."
- 0:05:41.704,0:05:45.190
- Lazlow: "This whole town, man...I think you've seen too many movies, dude."
- 0:05:45.273,0:05:51.834
- Chris: "You can be happy! Listen! Join us! Be famous! Find your true self.
- 0:05:51.834,0:05:59.444
- Have a breast, nose surgery, whatever you want! Lie with nine new partners a week. It explains everything.
- 0:05:59.509,0:06:07.309
- If there are no women, make them. From sand, from garbage, out of thin air! The rich cry too, Lazlow."
- 0:06:07.468,0:06:12.601
- Lazlow: "Well, that's an interesting theory, that seems like it was formerly with pharmaceuticals...
- 0:06:12.610,0:06:17.932
- but, you know, I would like to find about being rich crying, because right now, I'm poor, and crying.
- 0:06:17.932,0:06:21.243
- But, this is the west coast - I'm all into lesbians, man."
- 0:06:21.272,0:06:33.982
- Chris: "It's destiny. Vinewood only lets you down. In the Epsilon program, there are no series finales. It goes on, and on, and on. We don't abandon you."
- 0:06:34.215,0:06:36.113
- Lazlow: "Uh, well, we're gonna have to abandon this show.
- 0:06:36.113,0:06:42.878
- Great, my first show and the dude nearly kills me, and now I'm being harassed by a former sociology professor and a alcoholic turned self-deifying cultist.
- 0:06:42.878,0:06:45.447
- Please. I gotta get back to the east coast.
- 0:06:45.447,0:06:48.525
- This has been Entertaining America with Lazlow, on WCTR."
- 0:06:48.846,0:06:51.680
- Announcer: "Culturally, this country is flat-lining. Now you know why."
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