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- Dear Group, (long post, longtime lurker)
- Warning: Actual starvation, assault, abuse, eye damage, pain, and bodily decay.
- Read till the end because that's where it gets real. (And no, the assault thing wasnt even the most traumatic thing here whatsoever)
- I don’t know how to move forward. Especially while hungry. I'm behind on my doses of medication and would owe my Dr. $35 from previous owe to get more, and then a $20 on top for the medication itself. I am also fighting for legitimate physical survival. Also, the chords of life / fundamental human rights where humans can experience the strongest emotions POSSIBLE, are all struck&compromised; I believe this to be a heavy statement.
- I am also trying to get the *reasonable tools I need to get a job* within 1.5-2 weeks instead of like 4+ or never. Like I have only a little bit of food right now at all and I’m worried about how I will eat this weekend, and the medication becomes ineffective if doses are skipped and can take weeks to rebound afaik. And then I can't function without it. THEN, I can’t fix my other problems as a result - so this is a root issue - because I am unable to function in that state, at all, no matter how much I think mind over matter or push myself. It feels like parts of my brain shuts down or can't communicate without it. some brain sections are responsible for memory, sexual stuff, food, survival, sleep, rational thought, emotions, etc. what happens is is that my anxiety and OCD (these conditions can be actual monsters) have developed so severely in the last few months from ridiculous poverty based situations / severe, severe stress that yeah 90% of those brain sections shut down or can't communicate with each other I believe, hence why I take medicine to fix it. Im even having my younger cousin who is in honors English finally help me write this because I can barely write or concentrate when it acts up, but I added some stuff after. Throughout all this, my body has eaten away at its own muscle for calories. I hope you can understand why I might come across as stressed in this message.
- I have also actually asked every family member for help. Sat down for an hour and talked to a few. Im from a poor family, and *my dad only raised me without my mom because he figured he could raise me cheaper than the rate of child support* (and he did! my entire childhood sucked/was abusive) (and im very introverted and thus out of his way/quiet, so me living with him wasnt bothersome to him that much; a pure slick moneysave for him) My mom is NOW not doing too well. She's in a mental hospital and lost her apartment and her younger children (my half siblings) and has no number and is legit psycho now; very ill; it really started ballooning in the past 3 years after she hit menopause). My dad considers me an enemy for no good reason other than selfishness (and he cant realise poverty takes up time to the point where I had no time to socialise with anyone, nevermind HIM) , and hated me after a significant child support bullshit thing (explained).
- btw, one example of a poverty workaround was that a grocery store visit that should have taken 1 hour took legit 6: I walked to the grocery store an hour away by foot , shopped frugally without vision correction for an hour, walked back another hour because I forgot my backpack because -I couldn't see it cuz no vision correction- and I was tired/starving , then I walked to a Wifi zone, ate some bananas, contacted my phone, the lady who found my stuff picked up my phone, had to redo the 2 hour round trip walk to get my backpack&phone, got home, said thank you and deleted the text conversation (which also deleted her number), then noticed my headphones were missing (she took them as her "reward"; I even saw her wearing them when I saw her get off the bus 2 weeks later), and these headphones were healthy for my Auditory ADHD (I'd use white noise when concentrating)). So it took 6 full hours to get $10 in groceries + my backpack, when it would take 1hr with my car ). Then ofc it took a while to replace the headphones and it was harder to think in the meantime due to my AuditoryADHD condition and noisy area I live, but anyway back to my father, I have talked to him about all of this. Im seriously losing (best) friends over this because of growing time and distance and limited connectivity+miscommunicatoons.
- When I dont lose things, grocery trips take 3 hours in this situation. My dad used to drive us from Rhode Island to Upstate New York in the same amount of time it takes me to grocery shop $10 in food now , just insane.
- (social media CAN be cancerous in some ways, too, mind you), as well as im going to be LEGITIMATELY kicked out this month (keep reading, this is where shit gets real) if I dont start paying rent by working; my dad is only here 2 hours a day for some reason, but sometimes he doesnt come at all. He even just went on vacation and changed his number, not telling me the number - I secretly learned this indirectly through my cousins mom (my aunt) even though I wasnt supposed to know he changed it. He will actually be HAPPY AND CONTENT if im working. and he will be more out of my way and less stalkerish (he’s follow-stalked me for hours before , he has mild untreated autism), but is so fucked up he wont help me get the tools to work, or even listen, and more; Ive tried for days and days and days, he just drives away.
- Unfortunately, I need to live with him for a few months while im working to get a foundation, save a bit , recover, and live a proper life. At least he doesnt bother me much when things are calm and Im working.
- I need to get through this week. Also, If I worked I’d get help if my symptoms didn’t improve after a few weeks, I am very confident in myself. Just need a few tools to get a job which cost money as I am in an (unfairly imo) disadvantaged situation, basically
- I have anxiety, OCD, & AuditoryADHD; I know a lot of people have anxiety and OCD too and what ive witnessed is that I used to have it all mildly, then moderately, now it's so severe, from my lengthy, relentless povertystress - it's not ignorable now at all and takes over, but that's about it-just these 3 things strengthened . If I wallow here in these conditions, (often in my unfairly-hot home) not even able to see past my elbow due to bad eyesight, who knows if I could actually end up eventually developing a more severe, new condition. Doesnt help my library has a man with Tourette’s syndrome come in daily, screaming uncontrollably every 10s. There was like twenty days where I didn't have headphones either. Anyway, I am almost functionless without medication. Oddly, the medicine makes 90% of these problems disappear, it almost is like a miracle. (HOWEVER, I know a job ROUTINE will fix any REMAINING anxiety and OCD! I know it. I know it will at least help. [It even happened before with my 2nd job; I was a Shift Leader, closing a restaurant as person-in-charge 5 nights a week for 3 years; when working, my problems and worries dissipated, it all stems from severe, severe anxiety, too]. My current situation is too cancerous). Without medication, and only without medication, and from all this extreme stress, I literally unintentionally destroy human relationships, I repel others, no one takes me seriously, I act neurotic and sick, I can't keep track of time im irritable my ocd seeps into my speech/writing just everything and people dont even take me seriously. its hard to even socially interact. I cant sleep I can't remember things and I feel shut down and I am exponentially prone to sickness (stomach bugs, throat, fever, colds ) . ive noticed thru this esp on public transportation I got BADLY sick (weeklong sicknesses usually) 7/8 CONSECUTIVE bus rides despite getting sick ZERO times 2015-2017 when I had a car/food/medicine. this medication (and previously, food) thing is the biggest problem in life right now, because I need a sharp mind that actually works to be on the (quick) uprise, if that makes sense. I can literally be working THIS MONTH with a little boost. If someone in my life or anywhere helped me with money, I would even repay 50%, 100%, or 125%, eventually with the job (id put 10-20% aside weekly minimum), just due to pure desperation. I need to be able to focus, perform well on job interviews, shop and budget, maintain healthy social skills, sleep, and, eat. And I cant without medicine/a financial boost. (My remaining family is all Trump supporters and do nott believe in taking medicine as a priority, so they dont help financially with ANYTHING, largely because of this too.)
- Surprisingly, once I am working my dad said hell give me the car back (it’s in his name), but only after a few payments/paychecks.I also need bus money or a phone card (my dad cut off internet) for 2 eye doctor trips and a lot more, Wifi/phonecard to receive the food stamp interview call (they call +/- 5 hours from what they "schedule" in RI 😡(creating a 10 hour window that expands past the hours in which libraries are open), phone card for regular job interview calls, to get insurance, to get my hard copies of birth cert+Social card (yes you need originals not copies, and it could cost money)), and to get to the doctor/medicine. Please excuse this post, I am just frightened and in a huge pickle, even advice helps.
- I even get chronic kidney stones at a rare young age, which some men AND women say is more painful than childbirth itself, although men might have a smaller urethra, idk. It sucks. My kidney doc recommended a better, yet specific, diet; mostly fresh leafy vegetables, and guess what I cant afford it (#darkcannedslimyfoodfordays)
- Im telling you this now, I have no one to give me rides and no one to let me borrow, for several sad/fucked reasons. Ive had false promises from friends and my dad too, putting me at up to 5day standstills/misleadingpaths, for nothing.
- I originally called out sick from work via text over a fever, then the next day my best friend died so I called out again; on the 2nd call out they requested a doctors note for the first call out AS WELL proof of the funeral, and threatened to fire if it wasnt provided; I attended the funeral and never returned, as I had no doc note, I was already being ganged up on anyway). Nothing like losing a job and the closest person to me's life, in the entire world, all on the same day.
- Why I am even in this position is even fucked up, perhaps even more fucked up than the current situation. But I would need to write, essentially, an essay, to explain properly, on a beyond-laggy phone with a fucked up touch screen, off my medication, needing help from my cousin, in a sketch outdoor area im not comforble in, and im not thinking too well, and Ive already written so much here that im not even sure people will read it all.. . Anyway library closes early today since their weekend hours are poor, I'll try to peep into the Wifi zone every now and then and then after that ill have to walk almost an hour to another one if necessary which is in front of a storefront to check in on this post.
- Im trying to get a job but these are the things I need to kinda get it.
- Because I cannot see clearly past my elbow, I cant reference street signs, signs with ingredients for food service if I worked there, price tags, cant do hard construction labor, deliveries, etc. A lot of times im camped outside of a building 25min from my home leeching Wifi, but neighbors caught on, and police even talked to me YESTERDAY about it (lingering in a Wifi zone outside a building); I really need a phone card at least for a phone number and to be connected to resources and people, for the food stamp phone interview and job interviews and to save hours a day), im inhumanely lonely and bored for a cruel amount of time, being unable to see and all. And I still need those original documents to get health insurance like I said which cost money and Id need transportation for and dont have.
- My town is also like a very elongated oval stretching miles with little businesses.
- Every time I need to make a phone call or receive a text I have a 25 minute one-way walk to a Wifi zone, (which is probably now compromised for long use) (not much worse then having to hang up 12 seconds into a call because I have to walk back home to use the bathroom, and then by the time I get back the person/service is unavailable, for 23 more hours), causing a one day rollover where I rot. Also, another poverty-workaround is having to walk 65 minutes to a bank, to withdraw like $5, as I never seem to have the minimum amount (20) required to use an ATM. And what about when I need to go back and forth from a Wifi zone and its raining and I only have one pair of ancient shoes that need to last? They also cause pain, for all this walking I do. ***also im trying to lock -max benefits- for food stamps (cuz no income) for 6 months before I begin working, which would only delay things 5-7 days, but during those 5-7 days i could be bussing a lot and doing applications/errands, and I think this idea in asterisks is a wise idea; my dad didn't say it was a bad idea either when we did get a chance to talk (on attempt like 7 of 9) before he gave me a haircut***.
- bussing takes up so much time (grocery 3hr vs 25min (5 hours if you lose something)); its hard to get multiple things done during "primetime" business hours of the day (which is also the only time I can use internet/library as well, it all overlaps horribly), all while scrounging around for food toilet paper wifi etc), a lot of times I have to rollover into the next day because there's too much to overlap in these primetime business hours, and I cant see past my elbow and im off medication, so the repeating waits are lonely torture
- also, because my fridge died for 2 days and I lost all my food at one point, and need to catch up on everything, spices, grains, cooking oils etc. I even dipped 35lbs+ below than the lowest Ive EVER weighed. I look like a gray skeleton. Yet I have no eating disorder. I weighed more when I was 12 and Im an adult now. One friend was able to help me with food only one time after the fridge thing. If I can get help SOON, I wont need help with food, just the other shit.
- Eyesight, Phone card (possibly), lots of bus money, money for an alarm clock (phone alarm apps dont wake me up), and money to get new social card + birth cert all help too, on top of all the other things, in order to get a job. Almost out of fresh produce as well. (Even if you dont agree about an item being necessary or not, I still need the others.) I don’t know what to do or how to begin.
- v
- I still need things like lightbulbs (my house is half-lit..) toothpaste, batteries, bike tubes, new shoes, need a winter jacket (mine ripped), to replace my broken chair etc, but most of these I can get AFTER working (teeth might rot tho lol). Call this the optional list^
- I will get a job this month no matter what if possible, Im hoping you guys help maybe. I am still the same shift leader, at heart, as I was, and can apply these skills elsewhere. What I am saying is, I need all these optional things, too, but I can get it post-hire, technically; I've tried to just boil down the things I need in order to GET going (listed in the upper bodies of this message). Bring on my medication again is a root and would umbrella-effect everything else positively as I could actually think sleep and eat to do the rest with a working mind, its crazy that its so severe how functionless I am without my medication now from all this survival / poverty. There were days where I wouldnt even ingest vitamin A or B for 5 days straight with the canned food I had as it didn't contain any, I felt my mind and body literally decay I was nearly fainting on 25min walks from lack of nutrition, hopefully nothing long term from the lack of nutrition happened, but days later, I fear the worst, still. Could literally feel myself decay as I walked hours to the grocery store in the heat with only $4 in-hand a few weeks ago. There were weeks where I wouldnt have more than 2 to 5 dollars to my name for weeks straight; rendering me functionless to the bone.
- In an ideal world, I’d need 75 as it would keep me afloat at minimum for the most urgent things mostly bus money and Dr.'s/medication, but 100, or like 175 at the absolute tops, obviously would help me get through this and get mostly everything (excluding the optional list), I just don’t know how to get it, and I’m seeking help/advice here as my last option out of desperation. I hope that you can see where Im coming from with these ordeals. I hate talking about money, but money right now just literally....enables. my dad is in denial that these poverty-workarounds are so severe they take up so much time. hes not here to see me go through them and he doesnt listen to my tales. my dad has never lent me money ever. and he hates me and is selfish and autistic and tainted by sick greed. he started buying more luxury restaurant food /gadgets/ a vanity license plate in the meantime for himself. He. Will. Not. Help. Ive. Tried. Ive even had other people try to talk sense into him. The only thing he helped me with was a haircut to look presentable, before fleeing on vacation a day after claiming he has no money and changing his number simultaneously (new service, but still). Also, my hair had to be kept greasy or it would just dangle into my eyes like a thousand curtains. But it even began growing so long the greasy hair strands would poke, pierce, and sting my eye hundreds of times a day, block my vision, and also rendering concentration, comfort, or dignity impossible, I owned no more hats, people treated me like I was a hobo, and hobos dont get treated well or seriously, and I am definitely not a hobo, lol. And sorry I had to fix a few things.
- I promise I’m not trying to humbly brag, but, as someone who was winning statewide, all-age chess tournaments, and even netting 3rd place in a New England-wide tournament , and even getting straight A's grades K-11 (senior year povertystruck lost my home etc) while balancing being on a volleyball and cycling team, the fact that I cant concerntate because of the scratches/damage on my eyejelly/cornea's deeper level plus the aforementioned no-crucial-vitamin-streaks hurts, a lot. Cant utilise my mind. I used to be a person. A person doing 100 mile bicycle rides in 1 day without stopping, with my now-dead friend (who was hit by a drunk driver while cycling). I asked some people on my old teams for financial aid and I got blocked before it looked like they even had time to read it. People dont login to Facebook to see people requesting favors; its supposed to be a stress free break for them.
- I need health insurance to get the eye exam because *I cannot see past my elbow*. (20 / -400 vision or something iirc).
- Can you imagine that? I feel like Im in a bubble, its been so long too so I feel like my scope is smaller and Im in slower motion I cant read signs I dont know when to pull the bus cord to get off I cant hike I cant see who or what is approaching me its scary I cant use screens (society lives on screens...) unless its 1inch from my face; neck below shoulders. Been like this for a while, fam 😕. My eyes are also scratched because poverty forced my naive self to reuse my last remaining pairs of contacts legit 30x their recommended duration of use after my dad assaulted me in my own room (because I knocked on the bathroom door too loudly) , smothering my face into the ground, and broke my glasses. my eye jelly (for lack of better term) just grew over the scratches/damage instead of healing them i reckon, rendering me SCARED SHITLESS its permanent. (I cant keep my eyes open for more than 3 seconds now, I cant get lost in thought, perform well, invent, brainstorm, have revelations and realisations about , think, concentrate, watch/enjoy, or view...).
- Also,
- -I had a house fire the day before i graduated highschool (lol!) so I have no clothes or games or anything to sell and even my 350$ cash savings was burned there.
- -Before that, My mom cracked open a plastic safe I had as a kid which i saved and never spent, for 7+years, and took hundreds of $ for cigarettes and whatever else. (and before that she opened a bank account for me to have as a child, then obviously withdrew and took/stole my money later)
- -I volunteered at a homeless shelter for school and my wallet was stolen (containing hundreds) from a secret compartment in my backpack, not by a homeless guy, but by my "friend".
- ^all 3 examples are years apart.
- Never ever ever had a chance for footing
- Unhealthy weight loss from this/body decay pictures available upon request.
- I have seen people ask about and receive money on here for free dates, acne treatment, and pizza and stuff in the past, I hope this maybe at least sparks something, and I cant take it anymore, this is my last lifeline basically, I feel I waited until definitely PAST last minute to write this, I am suffering in ways I could never imagine, I would like to start being on the uprise, like, NOW, if that makes sense, and I sincerely thank you for even reading this and letting me vent my thoughts to multiple people.
- Thank you,
- -Troy
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