LORD XYLEM OF DOOM CASTLE




	"...and I want one of those flippy-thingies that you sit down in, too."

	"Flippy-thingies, sir?"

	"Yeah. They've got them at pools and all that. You know what I mean, Bartram?"

	"A lawn chair, sir?"

	"Yeah! That's it. I want a lawn chair. Put it on the balcony overlooking the gardens."

	"We don't have any gardens, sir."

	"So make some."

	"None of the staff is equipped for gardening, sir."

	"Bartram, Bartram, why must you make everything so difficult?" Lord Xylem glared at him from his throne. Bartram flicked his demonic, spaded tail with subtle agitation.

	"My apologies, Lord Robert."

	"Xylem!" exclaimed Lord Xylem, sitting up in his throne. "My name is Lord Xylem, the all-powerful skeleton arch-lich of Doom Castle."

	Bartram rolled his yellow eyes. "My apologies, Lord Xylem. A Freudian slip."

	Lord Xylem tilted his head curiously. "Freudian slip?"

	Bartram opened his mouth for a moment, but closed it slowly. "My apologies, sir. Sometimes I forgot that you don't exist in multiple dimensions at once."

	Lord Xylem shook his head and leaned back into his throne. "Whatever. Get those lawn chairs and get someone to do gardening. Snap snap, Bartram."

	Bartram sighed. "At once, sir." He dusted a bit of bone dust off of his tuxedo and disappeared in a pillar of flame.

	Lord Xylem surveyed his throne room. The place was mostly dilapitated, and the lizardman guard near the grand door was nodding off. His head kept jerking back up as he attempted to avoid falling asleep.

	"Hey!" exclaimed Lord Xylem, pointing at the guard, who straightened up quickly and looked over at his master.

	"Yesss, lord?"

	"Why are you sleepy? No sleeping on the job. Sleeping is bad for guards."

	"Thisss one has been awake for ssseveral days, lord."

	"And you better keep it that way. If you fell asleep, some random adventurer guy could just waltz right in and lop off my head." Xylem made walking motions on the armrest of his throne with two of his fingers. He looked up at the guard. "You wouldn't want that, would you? I'm your lovely Lord Xylem, best boss ever. Am I right?"

	The guard closed his eyes for a moment. "Yesss, lord."

	"Wonderful." Xylem nodded. "Stay awake. I would die."

	"That would be terrible, lord."

	Lord Xylem tilted his head slightly. "Do I detect sarcasm, minion?"

	The guard straightened up for a moment, eyes wide. "No, lord."

	"Good. You know what I did to that last guard who was sarcastic? I threw him in the dungeon. You know what's in the dungeon, minion?"

	The guard flicked his tongue. "No, lord."

	"Yeah, neither do I."

	There was a brief moment of awkward staring.

	"Bartram!" exclaimed Xylem suddenly, prompting the demon butlerco to reappear in flames at the base of his throne. Bartram, in mid-writing, sighed and stored his notepad inside his suit. He bowed slightly to Xylem.

	"Yes, sir?"

	"What's in the dungeon, Bartram? The guard would like to know."

	Bartram turned his head slightly and looked at the guard, who shrugged. He looked back to Xylem.

	"Your last guard, sir."

	"I know that. What's become of him? Is he paste of the walls from the horrible dungeon monster, or impaled on a spike trap or something?"

	"The last I saw him, sir, he was enjoying the minibar."

	"WHAT?" Lord Xylem sat up in his throne. "We have a minibar in the dungeon? When did we get a minibar in the dungeon?"

	Bartram frowned. "When you also requested the succubi for the dungeon, or, as you called it, the 'Doom Castle Party Zone'."

	"We have SUCCUBUSES? How this slip by me?"

	"Succubi, sir. You requested an amnesia spell after... an event with the succubi."

	Xylem stared. "I am frowning. What sort of event?"

	Bartram paused for a moment. "I assure you, sir, it's best if you don't remember."

	Xylem waved a hand dismissively. "Enough! Show me the traumatizing thing."

	Bartram sighed and snapped his fingers. Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, a quite portly succubus appeared.

	"Hey baby," she said to Xylem in a deep voice, "up for some more fun?" She started jiggling her fat rolls in an attempt to be seductive.

	"Oh my G- SUCCUBUS EXPLODICUS!" A beam of lightning shot out from Xylem's fingertips and made contact with the succubus, who promptly exploded into bloody chunks all over the throne room. Bartram, one half of his body now stained with blood, calmly frowned at Xylem.

	"Was that really necessary, sir?"

	"Yes!" exclaimed Xylem, leaning forward in his throne. "Did you not see her? She was as big as a house! Bigger!"

	"That is why you requested an amnesiac, sir."

	"Give me another."

	"Of course, sir."