To Rapunzel

Rapunzel, Rapunzel
Lass dein Haar herunter


I have been thinking a lot about you lately, I wish I could freely write all the things I have thought since I met you but that is not what I want with this letter, I just want to say things I wanted to say.

We met in Stadtpark and we went to the Planetarium after smoking some weed and eating something. Already there I started falling so hard for you. I loved going out with you, I wanted to meet your friends because I wanted to get to know you.

I think a lot when a friend of yours asked me if we were dating in front of you, I overthink a lot and I now see my answer as a mistake and I really wish I could stop remembering it so often. I was so in shock and scared and afraid and puzzled and so many other things in my head, I reacted as I have been doing for so many years: pretending I wasn't interested. I regret not talking to you after that, I was so afraid of being rejected again by someone I really liked.

You took me to the cinema some days before the movie festival. We were at 6 pm looking for a cafe to eat something and I remember it was cloudy, it was a bit cold and all the bells were ringing in that part of the city. I think that night I realized I had a crush on you.

I was in denial that I was falling for you, I was scared. Now that I think of it, it was mostly my insecurities and a lot of projected thoughts onto something that was only going on in my mind.

I have so many good memories in those barely two months we hung out. Still it pains me how I felt the last time I saw you. We went to the movies with someone you knew, I really enjoyed going there. Your pale face with the Hamburger Wetter, dim lights of the cinema giving you some contrast after I said goodbye, I was sad, I knew something wasn't alright within me feeling the feelings I had for you.

I wish I could go again to this festival this year, but a lot of things have happened in my life in the last months. I left Hamburg almost catatonic after I burned out during my PhD. I regret so much not walking in a park for one last time with you. Exploring parks, forests and the jungle has been a way to cope with the Sehnsucht I feel about you.

I have been doing a lot of stargazing and I have been listening to music I would love you to listen to. I have so little experience with these things between people, but I have learned a lot by overthinking the things that never happened between us. I didn't even know if you were into girls, or maybe you were an ace or an aromantic, I was afraid to ask.

At least it's pretty sure you weren't into me, I hate writing that down because I can't state that as a fact, my low self esteem has battered a lot of my pride after you ghosted me. I wish I could know what happened, I told myself you were not into going out because of covid and living with your parents, but truth be told you might have been bored, or life had other plans for you, I will likely never know.

You dodged a bullet so you did good. When I burned out I crashed hard into reality, this happened in February and I left HH in late April. I'm glad you weren't there because I was a mess and I was pretty alone, it took me some months to wake up from my stress-induced mental coma. I gotta say after falling into you, handling your unspoken rejection did take a toll. I'm not blaming you, I just wished you told me why we stopped seeing each other.

I have so many other details I want to share with you, why some songs remind me of you, why I think of you when I'm close to a harbor, why eating halloumi has become bittersweet, what song I was listening to when I realized I had a huge crush on you. I could write poems and stories about my feelings for you, and I probably will, but they will be hidden by tons and tons of heavy metaphors, sadness and dark humor so your memory will be a treasure just for me.

I did not plan to start writing this letter, maybe I could stop and say: this is all I have to say, but I discovered this overgrown mess of feelings flowing as a landslide, making my fingers itch and my eyes sore. I wonder if I will have the courage to send you this, probably I will send it as an expiring link, I wonder if you would even read it. Is it worth it? I don't know.

I always wondered if you met someone, you are such a lovely guy. I felt you were not okay in that very brief interaction on discord and I hope you find some peace of mind soon. But I can't really say anything because I barely know you. I barely remember your face, I'm convinced you look like David Gilmour in his 30s and Strawberry Guy, that's how I try to keep your memory. The last song I sent you gave the same vibe I felt after you told me you still remembered me, and I listened to it multiple times while writing this, telling myself "better luck next time".

It's so sad I didn't get to know you better but I remember almost everything you ever told me about yourself, like your trip to Svalbard: going there is a goal for me, I feel like I will be closer to you there than in HH. I also remember the movies we watched, I wish I could remember the youtube channel full of shorts you recommended. I went to a cinema in St Pauli to watch Dune but I just thought of you, so I haven't been in one ever since.

I know I'm projecting a lot because I barely knew you, I guess this is a good time to stop with this letter. Sorry if you read this, I like writing down what I feel and I can't convey it into spoken words. I feel the need to write when I need some closure in my life

Why am I so sorry that you are likely to read this? Why am I so ashamed for being confused over someone whom I will never meet again? Oh but I wish I could meet you once more. I know I will go back to Hamburg, and one more time on harbor I will watch the ferries cross the Elbe, thinking: is he on one of them? But I know you won't be there because people grow up, some forget, others are just a memory like you.

What's the worst that could happen if you reply? I have been afraid of rejection even after being rejected. Silence is expected, a reply would be nice, I will imagine all the things you might think of this anyway. This must be cringe and I'm sorry, I have found a muse and I must write. I wish I could write in German, but I have butchered enough of the languages I know. Using you and your tongue to slice pieces of a really troubled tumor I have as a heart is a shame, copium at its finest.

If I have the courage to send this, please don't be cruel. I have done this before: one of them laughed at me first then I realized he was into guys and now we are friends, the other one felt pretty awful because he did not know how deep my feelings were and we never contacted each other again. I have a thing with long and heavy letters.

Being young is awful and the world is scary. A song I listened to while writing this made me think: I'm glad I'm writing this. The world feels like it's ending but at least I have put some weight down on this letter. But at the same time, I will live for many years and I will remember this letter awkwardly.

I wish we kept sending memes and music back and forth, but you are a memory now and maybe a IRL Rapunzel wasn't meant for me at that moment of my life, better luck next time to me. I hope I can meet someone like you in the future, but I feel a bit lonely nowadays and it makes me think of you even more.

I have tried to end this verborrhea multiple times already, I feel like if I close this document you as an idea will fade away faster. Who will comfort me inside my mind if you are no longer there? Like a night fever nightmare. This letter is like a milestone for me because I finally accepted some truth I was denying. Sometimes I wish I could forget everything I lived in Hamburg, but Treva has done nothing wrong.

I miss Volkspark, please go to Volkspark on my behalf, it is lovely in Autumn.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen,
Eve.