me too - witwix

I don't know how to sum up 18 months of abuse in a tweet, in a word doc, in a text, or even out loud. I don't know how to describe the amount of manipulation, gaslighting, and psychological abuse I endured. It embarrasses me how pathetically attached to someone I was that I now have nightmares of ever seeing again. This won't be a clean way of telling this story, it won't be easy to follow, it will be raw emotion poured out because I am so tired of staying quiet.

After seeing Lorien come forward, I believed her. I reached out to her and she was very supportive, telling me to only share my story when I was comfortable. I typed this out last night when I was unable to sleep with these memories racing through my head. Today, Jen came forward. I believe her too. I stand with these two women. Without them I would not have the guts to post this. I stand with any woman who has been harmed by this man.


I met witwix through a mutual friend at Twitch Con 2016. I was very freshly single and he claimed to be as well. He joked with our friend that she should introduce us so we could be sad and lonely together. We spoke briefly at the Twitch Con party before he rushed off to a partner only section and proceeded to DM us through my friend's account for the remainder of the night. He was attending the event with his ex whom he lived with. My friend and I expressed to him that we were having a horrible time because we felt very ostracized by our friend group since I had recently broken up with one of the guys in said group. Witwix came to the rescue by renting out a hotel suite for us three to hang out in to get away from our friend groups since he claimed to be going through a similar situation. At this time he didn't do anything to me that was non-consensual, he spent time hanging out with us in the room until my friend and I were falling asleep. He woke me up for a hug goodbye and told me we should see each other again soon since I lived about an hour away from him. We ended up going on our first date within a week and we were "official" within 2. He claimed he wanted us to not be public about the relationship because he had been public with his last relationship and it didn't work out too well. Likely because it's easier to get caught cheating when people know you're taken. He played victim very well. He claimed his past relationship was very hurtful to him, that a lot of what he did wrong was only because she hurt him first. He spun every story to make himself out to be the good guy and I fell for every line. If you were a viewer of his at this time, I'm the woman he referred to on stream as "Steve."

I moved in with him in March of 2017. It seemed like a happy decision at first, but there was always something a little off with him. He would anger quickly and blamed me for most things, even his own eating habits. It was my fault there was soda in the apartment when he was the one who bought it. It was my fault he didn't stream when he was the one who hit the "start streaming" button. It was my fault people stopped watching him as much. At this point it's very hard to remember much good of this relationship as so much of it is clouded by negative memories. I know that I fell in love with him for a reason, but I can't remember why. When I look back now I remember his mom visiting for mother's day, him breaking a window with his fist and yelling "look at what you made me do," and then buying us new phones to try to turn the trip happy again. I remember his mom spilling a slushy in my car, me not really caring, and him lashing out at her as though she ruined my car entirely as I calmly cleaned it up and apologized to her. I remember him throwing a $2k gaming laptop at a wall after dying in a video game and feeling lucky he didn't throw me. I remember him being jealous of my guy friends and me having to fight to keep them in my life. I remember when I would call him out on being shitty to me and how he would then play victim. I remember him having these spirals where he would start hitting himself whenever I was upset with him and I would have to hold his hands away from his face and fight him off of himself. I remember being afraid to be sad. I remember a night where we drank, I accidentally fell well things were getting frisky and hit his eye, I cried about accidentally hurting him and he fucked me anyway. I remember how he would get horny at random times and grab my pussy and laugh at the horrified look on my face. I remember when I opened up to him that I was struggling with PTSD because I had been raped when I was in high school and he pressured me until I opened up more to him about it.

The pressure from being forced to talk about something so traumatic when I wasn't ready broke me in a way I never thought would happen. Around this time where he was yelling about me not trusting him, saying things like "if you trusted me, you would tell me what happened," I was informed by my best friend that my rapist was trying to find me. I panicked and I was not in a safe space. I was in an apartment I shared with a man that would one day say he loved me and another day would punch himself in the face telling me that it's what he deserves from me being upset about how he would treat me. I was in a place where I felt like if I left, he would take his life, because he would threaten that. I felt completely isolated, yet completely surrounded by a person I wanted to give my whole heart to for reasons I can't remember now. I was completely brainwashed by his cycle of abuse. One day breaking my heart, the next day being the one to wipe my tears away.
I ended up entering psychosis in early June of that same year. He knew that I was in a dissociative state where I was not in control and this gave him more power over me. There were times he was comforting and wanted to fix me. And times where he used my body for his pleasure when I couldn’t say no or control myself. I was hospitalized twice through this and once medicated they allowed me to return home. When I got home I noticed there was makeup on my pillow case. Lipstick and mascara smudged on it. I don't wear lipstick. I pointed it out and so the cycle continued. The gas-lighting was to the extent that he threw the pillowcase out while I was sleeping and tried to convince me that seeing that never actually happened. I don't know why I got into this position in the first place, I don't know why I fell for him, I don't know why I let him convince me over and over and over again that I was the problem. I genuinely look back at that time and feel like it was from a previous life. As my medication kicked in more and more, I felt more motivated to better my life. I tried going back to school, I had a normal sleep schedule, I bought a ukulele. I was convinced that I could be happy by doing all these things, but something always felt off. I was in denial that the person I loved was as cruel and heartless as he was. I was in denial that he would sneak into his office and message other women. I was in denial that I wasn't his only one. I was in denial that I was in an abuse cycle.

It took me until January of 2018 to find concrete evidence that he had been cheating on me. I went through his phone because he had been smiling at it all day talking to someone, refusing to say who. I found out more than I could hold in. I yelled at him and I backed against a wall in fear of how he would respond. He spiraled. He claimed it wasn't a long term thing, he said he was just being his flirty self, he told me he'd end it, he said he wanted to run away so he couldn't hurt anyone else, he asked me to come with him, he cried, he yelled, he punched himself, he asked me to punch him, he grabbed my wrists to yell in my face and pushed me across the bed. I tried everything to calm him down. I genuinely don't know how that spiral ended and the next day began. I know that he bought me my first bouquet the next day and I sobbed. And the day after that he was spiraling again and kicked me out. And when he begged me to come back he had thrown my flowers away. I was so lost emotionally. I was being pushed away and pulled back. I felt so threatened by his behavior. If I stayed away when he pulled me back, would he come get me? If I came back when he pushed me away, would he get rid of me? At one point during this very dark time, he came at me with a raised fist, stopped himself, and then he fell to the ground wailing with tears and all I could do was back away repeating the words "I'll leave" in fear for my life. Every time he pushed me away, he managed to pull me back. At this point I felt like I had nothing in my life aside from him and losing him felt like losing everything.

It took me until February of 2018 to find the courage to leave for good. The last time I had been at his place I found further evidence of cheating, this time on a much larger scale. He had another girlfriend. A full blown relationship with another woman. I reached out to her and tried to explain what was happening, I tried to warn her about him. She blocked me. After a phone call with him where he told me I ruined his life for telling her, then him turning the conversation into begging me to take him back, I went back for the things I had at his place still, the things he let me have at least. I had to convince him we could try to talk it out to know that he would actually let me get the things I moved into his apartment with. Some of these belongings were from my childhood. He hid a lot of my things and would only bring me some of them. I watched him open every closet and cabinet, yet I can still recall items I know he kept from me. When he started telling me to leave and turning sour, I took things outside to my car and I told him off. I yelled at him at the top of my lungs and made a scene out front of his place so that if he tried anything people would hear me. I told him if he didn't get help he would continue this cycle. I yelled that if he didn't stop hurting others and seek help he would ruin himself. He put his hand on my throat to try to shut me up. I grabbed his thumb and bent it back so he would let go. His neighbors were outside watching us. He looked shocked that he had grabbed my throat like that. He told me he never meant to ruin me and that he would disappear from my life if that's what I needed. I told him he no longer had a say in the matter and that I would never see him again. As I started to drive away, he stopped me and told me he loved me and that he never intended to hurt me. I ignored him and left.

I never spoke to him again. He would reach out daily at first, then every few days, then tried to send me $100 on paypal for my birthday and I refunded it. After that, he gave up.

I shared this with some close friends, told a few others, had a 6hr therapy session the day I last saw him, and always wanted to say more.
I finally feel safe sharing my story.