TinyLittleManiac: o3o
TinyLittleManiac: also side note since i will live daddy eventually im gonna try and save up on my own
TinyLittleManiac: ill probably just pull out 10 dollars a week to save
TinyLittleManiac: and 10 to spend
EdwardDarkwalker: wait your gonna leave your husband??
TinyLittleManiac: since thats my aollwance
TinyLittleManiac: >_>
TinyLittleManiac: dude i said that before
TinyLittleManiac: he is a abusive piece of shit
TinyLittleManiac: today he got angry at me more making his sandwich wrong
TinyLittleManiac: he crusehd and made growling noises and muttered pissed off
EdwardDarkwalker: gah hes only gotten worse
TinyLittleManiac: dude he is mentally abusive im basically a prisoner here
TinyLittleManiac: o3o
TinyLittleManiac: XD
TinyLittleManiac: YOU REMEMBER
TinyLittleManiac: XD
TinyLittleManiac: Yeah hes gotten worse
TinyLittleManiac: bruises me from cuddles at times now
TinyLittleManiac: grips harder then ever
TinyLittleManiac: rno bruises this week so far
TinyLittleManiac: ^^
TinyLittleManiac: i have shown him where he bruised me ebfore and he blows it off
TinyLittleManiac: o3o
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: sorry
TinyLittleManiac: yeahhh its to that point i barely cook or clean or cuddle because
TinyLittleManiac: im fearful of doing it wrong
EdwardDarkwalker: geeze
TinyLittleManiac: one wrong move and boom instant anger i gotta learn when to talk and when to not talk now
TinyLittleManiac: cause yeahhh
TinyLittleManiac: if i try to leave i could get hurt
TinyLittleManiac: i dont want to be hurt
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: i have no where to go and if i tried to leave with his knowledge i could actually get hurt
TinyLittleManiac: its a dangerous situation im stuck in
TinyLittleManiac: he accts so kidn and nice but once i do something wrong i set him off
TinyLittleManiac: its so confusing how he is so nice to me yet a total monster
TinyLittleManiac: confuses my brain lulls me to a false trust then boom back to anger
TinyLittleManiac: im still shocked over the sandwich shit
TinyLittleManiac: WHOO GETS ANGRY THAT I MADE IT WRONG
TinyLittleManiac: is slid aroudn too much and topping came off
TinyLittleManiac: i havent made a sandwich in months
TinyLittleManiac: i eat microwave shit to make less mess
EdwardDarkwalker: ya
TinyLittleManiac: i honestly fear for my safety at times
TinyLittleManiac: that isnt good
TinyLittleManiac: but he can act so nice and spoil me and be nice
TinyLittleManiac: but then sudden anger
TinyLittleManiac: im so confused
TinyLittleManiac: is it okay for him to hurt me if he spoils me
TinyLittleManiac: i dont want to be spoiled
TinyLittleManiac: i want him to not scream
TinyLittleManiac: and make it up with a item
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: is that wrong of me?
EdwardDarkwalker: being spoiled doesnt mean violence
TinyLittleManiac: no that isnt voiolnce
TinyLittleManiac: im saying he will scream at me then buy me something to apoligize
EdwardDarkwalker: thats text book abuse
TinyLittleManiac: ???
TinyLittleManiac: but he has always done this and though i gret a allowance he hangs it ove my head alot
EdwardDarkwalker: no thats called abuse hun
TinyLittleManiac: even for simple cuddles i want to cuddle withotu not being forced
TinyLittleManiac: the thing why i dont touch me
TinyLittleManiac: much
TinyLittleManiac: i have sensory issuses
TinyLittleManiac: i can get overwhelmed fast
TinyLittleManiac: i literally have to hurt myself to get free at times
TinyLittleManiac: thats why i get bruising from literally fighting his strong grip to get free
TinyLittleManiac: even to pee at times
TinyLittleManiac: those arent cuddles i like..
TinyLittleManiac: he often touches me like every day thing gropes my chest at least once and often times ill say look i know you do it lovingly and wanna touch me but i just dont always wanna be groped
TinyLittleManiac: its loving way i guess..?
TinyLittleManiac: but no doesnt mean no often times
TinyLittleManiac: ill try to say im serious and he laughs it off like a joke
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: but meh
TinyLittleManiac: i gave up about 3 years ago
TinyLittleManiac: been with him for 5 then turned nasty
TinyLittleManiac: and ever since he gets worse and worse each year
TinyLittleManiac: but often times i wonder maybe im just overthinking this maybe i should of made the sandwich better maybe i should of washed the dish better maybe i could make him not yell at me
TinyLittleManiac: maybe i should of let him cuddle me when i said i didnt want to mayybe i just i feel like im at fault here..
EdwardDarkwalker: no one should be yelled at PERIOD for trying to help and be helpful
TinyLittleManiac: i cant learn right he hates to repeat and teach me
TinyLittleManiac: barely stopped blaming me for not rembmering since it turns out ptsd
TinyLittleManiac: he still slips up when i remember things wrong or forget right after he talks
TinyLittleManiac: it turns out ptsd he barely stopped doing that
TinyLittleManiac: always saying no you remember wrong i show HERE IS A PETTY THING
TinyLittleManiac: i know its dumb and small
TinyLittleManiac: but i lost a glass stem begged him to help me find it only to be greeted with it never existed and i show him the ebay photo and the bong ssaid it never came with it two months later i find it wshow him and said i told you
TinyLittleManiac: and he said okay wahtever
TinyLittleManiac: if i have evidence he is wrong he blows it off iand if im wrong he rubs it in my face
TinyLittleManiac: but i cant rub it in his face
EdwardDarkwalker: its not healthy at all
TinyLittleManiac: maybe its my fault though
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
EdwardDarkwalker: no its not
TinyLittleManiac: i feel broken inside at times
EdwardDarkwalker: hes doing it
TinyLittleManiac: daddy helps me and he wants me to live with him but its hard when its like 3k for both our plane tickets 2k pretty much to fly here and back and 1k for mine
TinyLittleManiac: he is in another country
TinyLittleManiac: so its frustrating
EdwardDarkwalker: you also need a passport
TinyLittleManiac: oh i can trick it easily enough
TinyLittleManiac: lure canada trip in its face
TinyLittleManiac: -.-[
EdwardDarkwalker: you cant trick the government
TinyLittleManiac: no
TinyLittleManiac: not that
TinyLittleManiac: i can get him to buy us passports one for it and one for i
TinyLittleManiac: tell it i want a canada trip for snuggles and love and to explore
TinyLittleManiac: he is actually already up for that
TinyLittleManiac: thats easy enough
EdwardDarkwalker: ahhh
TinyLittleManiac: mhm
EdwardDarkwalker: brb
TinyLittleManiac: :T
TinyLittleManiac: tyt
TinyLittleManiac: i do know daddy if he saw him would most likely punch him
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
EdwardDarkwalker: prob
TinyLittleManiac: you have always been here so has yin
TinyLittleManiac: not alot of people are here for me no matter what i do or say
TinyLittleManiac: yeah you get pissed off but you tell me im being a cunt at least
TinyLittleManiac: and then wait for me to explain XD
EdwardDarkwalker: mhmm
TinyLittleManiac: i mean you wouldnt leave
TinyLittleManiac: im a bitch at times
TinyLittleManiac: but at least you tell me
TinyLittleManiac: XD
TinyLittleManiac: i find it funny when daddy says twit or twat like wtf
TinyLittleManiac: kinda words are those
EdwardDarkwalker: twat is another name for pussy and twit is brainless idiot
TinyLittleManiac: oh
TinyLittleManiac: he calls his dog that apollo
TinyLittleManiac: the dog is a dick to him
TinyLittleManiac: -needs to remember to only cause the dog a dick and he-
TinyLittleManiac: i know daddy doesnt like personal info out i forget at times
TinyLittleManiac: least i know you well
TinyLittleManiac: o3o
TinyLittleManiac: but i think it will help daddy finically to get me sooner in life if i help save
TinyLittleManiac: ^^
EdwardDarkwalker: i wont remember
TinyLittleManiac: so ill try to spend ten and save ten
EdwardDarkwalker: ive been trying to not spend more than 200 a week lol
TinyLittleManiac: i get a 20 dollar allowance a week
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: sometimes i can get a extra item for doing chores extra well or sucking up to him in cuddles. wow im a dick back to him
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
EdwardDarkwalker: i make 623 a week 100 goes to my son, and 2-3 for bills
TinyLittleManiac: why am i so mean
EdwardDarkwalker: he does it first
TinyLittleManiac: ?
TinyLittleManiac: oh yeah he is kinda mean
TinyLittleManiac: and a bit of a dick
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: sometimes its nice at times
TinyLittleManiac: sometimes..
TinyLittleManiac: i dont know what happened
TinyLittleManiac: but he shifted
TinyLittleManiac: into some kinda of demon
TinyLittleManiac: its like a demon with a humans form
TinyLittleManiac: seems so nice but then it gets so bad fast
EdwardDarkwalker: mhmm
TinyLittleManiac: it confuses my brain badly
TinyLittleManiac: YOU KNOW WHATS WORSE
TinyLittleManiac: HE ONCE ADDMITTED HE KNEW HE WAS ABUSIVE
TinyLittleManiac: AND HE WAS SORRY HE WOULD CHANGE
TinyLittleManiac: WAIT
TinyLittleManiac: HE KNOWS
TinyLittleManiac: -_-
TinyLittleManiac: wow
TinyLittleManiac: i just realized he knows he is abusive
TinyLittleManiac: thats digusting
EdwardDarkwalker: he has no desire to change trust me
TinyLittleManiac: i think its a way to keep me in the relationship
TinyLittleManiac: so he would lose me ever if he makes me listen
TinyLittleManiac: then i stay
TinyLittleManiac: but out of fear isnt right
EdwardDarkwalker: mhmm
EdwardDarkwalker: cause hes a miserable fuck and doesnt wanna be alone
TinyLittleManiac: im currently a bit digusted
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: but it wont change my brain
TinyLittleManiac: why do i think its my fault always..
EdwardDarkwalker: hes gaslighting you
TinyLittleManiac: gaslighting...?
TinyLittleManiac: it sonds familar..
TinyLittleManiac: sounds*
EdwardDarkwalker: look it up
EdwardDarkwalker: its hard to explain
TinyLittleManiac: so he has mentally changed my brain
TinyLittleManiac: and molded me to think this way?
EdwardDarkwalker: and that he doesnt mean to hurt you and will change
TinyLittleManiac: he says that alot
TinyLittleManiac: i have tried for YEARS to work out our problems
TinyLittleManiac: trying to get him to see
TinyLittleManiac: begging
TinyLittleManiac: always says he will do better and change
TinyLittleManiac: for a while didnt force cuddle me that was nice..
TinyLittleManiac: then it started back
TinyLittleManiac: to force gripping
TinyLittleManiac: i would like to not be crushed if i try to leave from cuddles
TinyLittleManiac: he wants more and he is upset he cant have more
TinyLittleManiac: so he just says i want more cuddles
TinyLittleManiac: then grips me to a point i cant escape
TinyLittleManiac: it makes cuddles dreadful
TinyLittleManiac: and if i even so much as try to cuddle him myself he grips me to stay put
TinyLittleManiac: and IM LIKE I WAS TRYING TO CUDDLE YOU NOT I REALLY DONT WANT TO ANYMORE
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: am i stupid
TinyLittleManiac: over being upset over cuddles..?
TinyLittleManiac: its cuddles i should like it any time right..?
EdwardDarkwalker: no you shouldnt be upset
TinyLittleManiac: so i shouldnt be upset he is keeping me there..?
EdwardDarkwalker: you should be upset
TinyLittleManiac: okay i was blaming myself
TinyLittleManiac: hard
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: thank you for fixing your words x-x
TinyLittleManiac: no means no right..?
TinyLittleManiac: why doesnt no mean no
TinyLittleManiac: and he wont have sex with me ebcause he wants me to do all the work
TinyLittleManiac: he got tired of doing all the work then one day just stopped fucking me
TinyLittleManiac: so its been a year
TinyLittleManiac: always says he wants to and says another day
TinyLittleManiac: another day
TinyLittleManiac: its neverending
EdwardDarkwalker: =/
TinyLittleManiac: of him making almost feels liek exccuses
TinyLittleManiac: says im pretty and beautiful and all these nice thiings
TinyLittleManiac: so he should be a good guy right right?
EdwardDarkwalker: no
TinyLittleManiac: i feel so crazy right now talking about this
TinyLittleManiac: i feel like im overthinking everything
EdwardDarkwalker: youre not
TinyLittleManiac: i know daddy wants to gut him like a fish
EdwardDarkwalker: mhmm
TinyLittleManiac: pretty sure he is gonna be angry learning it got angry at me over sandwich
TinyLittleManiac: im still shocked
TinyLittleManiac: i was shocked to see him get so angry like that
TinyLittleManiac: i was terrified when he asked after i had to lie and say i wanst scared
TinyLittleManiac: it can trigger him to be upset im scared
TinyLittleManiac: and repeat dont be scared of me
TinyLittleManiac: so now i ahve to lie and say im not terrified of him
TinyLittleManiac: if i slip up it could end up wrong
TinyLittleManiac: i mean he isnt psychially abusing me
TinyLittleManiac: isnt mental better then psychial..
EdwardDarkwalker: GOD no
EdwardDarkwalker: mental is JUST as bad
TinyLittleManiac: o-o it is..?
TinyLittleManiac: honestly before daddy most of my relationships had some kind of mental abuse
TinyLittleManiac: daddy has only ever thought of me even when he tried to leave again turns out he blamed himself and thought he was at fault thought i would be better without him. when i made him stay he stayed. then he learned i almost killed myself the day before the talk i almost downed a bottle of pills and syn stopped me. i thought i lost him then that happened and daddy was terrified he just was shocked and was truly glad i was alive breathing. he became daddy again and wants to protect me more. and he has NEVER truly abanoned me. and i know he only thinks of me in his thoughts.
TinyLittleManiac: he is the only guy who has ever given me so much resepect in my whoel life..
TinyLittleManiac: usually im stepped on at some point in time. he is so careful with me. he just felt like he wasnt good enough for me
TinyLittleManiac: thought i would live a happier life without him
TinyLittleManiac: i gave him a wake up call i guess .-.
TinyLittleManiac: in a way..
TinyLittleManiac: yeah thats dark i know
TinyLittleManiac: e.e
TinyLittleManiac: WAIT HE DOESNT HAVE TO KNOW
TinyLittleManiac: TO BE Gsligrting me
TinyLittleManiac: HE DOESNT HAVE TO KNWO HE IS
TinyLittleManiac: WAIT BUT HE HAS TO KNWO HE IS
TinyLittleManiac: WAIT WHAT
TinyLittleManiac: HOW
TinyLittleManiac: HOW
TinyLittleManiac: HOW
TinyLittleManiac: HOW
TinyLittleManiac: HOW
TinyLittleManiac: IM READING ARRTICLE
TinyLittleManiac: WAIT WHAT
TinyLittleManiac: DOESNT HE HAVE TO KNOW HE IS GASLIGHTING ME
TinyLittleManiac: IT SAYS HE DOESNT HAVE TO KNOW
EdwardDarkwalker: ya but he knows
TinyLittleManiac: maybe he doesnt fully
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: wow
TinyLittleManiac: im still protecting him at times
TinyLittleManiac: why
EdwardDarkwalker: cause you still love him
TinyLittleManiac: i have about 10% of love left
TinyLittleManiac: it dies off more each year
TinyLittleManiac: im guessing its the bit that keeps me sane
TinyLittleManiac: wait wait
TinyLittleManiac: he does countering all the time
TinyLittleManiac: you know whats worse
TinyLittleManiac: he puts the blame on himself saying its all my fault
TinyLittleManiac: then i stop in my tracks
TinyLittleManiac: and apolgizie
TinyLittleManiac: he goes from blaming me to blaming himself
TinyLittleManiac: and its so confusing..
EdwardDarkwalker: ya he knows hes doing it
TinyLittleManiac: i feel so bad when he blames himself then i start to blame myself
TinyLittleManiac: and should of been nicer
TinyLittleManiac: i wouldnt of made him feel like a jerk
TinyLittleManiac: i wonder if i should try and talk this out with daddy fully
TinyLittleManiac: im always really really nevous to
TinyLittleManiac: since well yeah
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: im scared to scare him off but only thing that happens when i talk about this is his hatred for this guy
TinyLittleManiac: to enflare more he learns the more he hates the guy
TinyLittleManiac: me and him both know we dont want me here
TinyLittleManiac: but me getting to another country is a handful itself and moeny and shit
TinyLittleManiac: e.e
EdwardDarkwalker: and imigrating to another country is hard
TinyLittleManiac: mhm
TinyLittleManiac: we are on same sleep schedule though roughly
TinyLittleManiac: i can sleep whenver it doesnt care
TinyLittleManiac: as long as it gets time with me it doesnt care how i sleep
TinyLittleManiac: so thats nice
TinyLittleManiac: i should be asleep right now
TinyLittleManiac: 5-6 pm
TinyLittleManiac: but i dont wanna and too stressed
TinyLittleManiac: ill have night terros in this state of mind thats no bueno
TinyLittleManiac: this
TinyLittleManiac: all sonds
TinyLittleManiac: so familar..
TinyLittleManiac: in the reading..
EdwardDarkwalker  nods
TinyLittleManiac: but it cant be true i mean i what the fuck is wrong with me
TinyLittleManiac: im still stmbling to apoligize thats the nutso one
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: that im the nutso one
TinyLittleManiac: wow brain
TinyLittleManiac: thanks for checking out today
TinyLittleManiac: didnt know you needed a vacation brain
TinyLittleManiac: -.-
EdwardDarkwalker: lol
TinyLittleManiac: i need a vacation from myself
TinyLittleManiac: im sure i could find a meth head somewhere
TinyLittleManiac: yeah no
TinyLittleManiac: drugs like that are bad
TinyLittleManiac: XD
TinyLittleManiac: 2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
TinyLittleManiac: You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.
TinyLittleManiac: THIS ONE IS REALLY FUCKING CMOON
TinyLittleManiac: LIKE COMMON COMMON
TinyLittleManiac: DAILY SHIT
TinyLittleManiac: This happens every single day at least once
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: thats supposed to be normal
TinyLittleManiac: like i know he is abusive for sure
TinyLittleManiac: but my brain keeps saying he isnt
TinyLittleManiac: when i know for a fact he is
TinyLittleManiac: but it keeps questioning me
EdwardDarkwalker: brb
TinyLittleManiac: tyt
TinyLittleManiac: This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, "Well maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.
TinyLittleManiac: this happens to
TinyLittleManiac: he calls me stupid for jokes
TinyLittleManiac: and such
TinyLittleManiac: i dont really like it
TinyLittleManiac: wait not idiot
TinyLittleManiac: or something
TinyLittleManiac: but when i call myself it
TinyLittleManiac: he starts to tell me no no your nto stupid at all
TinyLittleManiac: not*
TinyLittleManiac: then i get confused but you said before i am as a joke
TinyLittleManiac: but now i cant say it?
TinyLittleManiac: this is some heavy shit i remember vaguely look at this long ago
TinyLittleManiac: and immediately went nah that isnt him at all
TinyLittleManiac: i really dont get why he uses shit for well you got this on this day on this week so you need to do this i dont mind chores i really wouldnt IF I WASNT YELLED AT. Worst at when i mention he is yelling while he is he says he isnt and he is shouting and there is a difference
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: and he says he isnt even shouting
TinyLittleManiac: and gets uspet i mentioned it
TinyLittleManiac: i dont anymore
TinyLittleManiac: warning from the begining of talking about this when we are done im gonna send to daddy to see his opinion on it truly
TinyLittleManiac: itll only be the area where we having talking about it irl
TinyLittleManiac: its weird how he can say mean things about me while joking but the moment i joke about it in the same way he does he goes and say oh no no no no no your not at all
TinyLittleManiac: im still confused
TinyLittleManiac: IM STILL SHOCKED AT THE SANDWICH
TinyLittleManiac: WHO GETS ANGRY AT YOU FOR MAKING A SANDWICH YOU PUT CARE ABOUT IT THEN GETS PISSED I DID IT WRONG
TinyLittleManiac: AT LEAST I DID IT
TinyLittleManiac: i had decided to not cook since i said i was gonna make alfredo pasta but meat was bad. he said i could use his meat then i went to go cook it he asked what i was making i said then he said he wanted that meat for spaghetti sauce then get upset at me for it and said to make it but he basically wont it
TinyLittleManiac: wont eat it*
TinyLittleManiac: and i put it back feeling bad
TinyLittleManiac: he went to the store just to get hte alfredo sauce but the meat was bad he got new meat recently. and just
TinyLittleManiac: i dont understand why tell me i can then i cant. then i didnt want to cook and made myself somoe food and since i assumed he was hungry still offered to make some ramen. i dont mind him asking but i minded him getting upset at me for not making food and that i wasnt gonna make him any and i offered for ramen
EdwardDarkwalker: ok im not reading all that
TinyLittleManiac: then eh wants sandddwiches so i make it
TinyLittleManiac: i should stop typing at least if you do
TinyLittleManiac: im just frustraed and venting
TinyLittleManiac: ill stop for now
TinyLittleManiac: umm mian points
TinyLittleManiac: one second
TinyLittleManiac: so basically he jokes about me in mean ways if i joke about me in mean ways he gets uspet then starts to compliment me. when he yells and i mention him and to stop yelling he says he isnt even shouting and being stern. then he said i could use the meat he had for spagethti normal and i asked to use it for alfredo he said yes then got upset i went to make alfredo put meat back and felt bad
TinyLittleManiac: those are the main things i talked about~
TinyLittleManiac: and the fact i made the sandwich not having to and then getting bitched in the face about it
TinyLittleManiac: be grateful i made the sandwich -_-
TinyLittleManiac: THATS I WAS SITTING ON I FELT UNCOMFY
TinyLittleManiac: pen cap
TinyLittleManiac: i just dont understand still how he acts so kind but is so nasty at once.
TinyLittleManiac: i just hoping i dont get bruised anytime soon
TinyLittleManiac: bruises hurt
TinyLittleManiac: .-.
TinyLittleManiac: i gotta try and cuddle back better so it doesnt happen e.e
EdwardDarkwalker: no you dont