Dan has a very strange patchwork of knowledge,
It’s anybody’s guess as to what he knows about any given topic, watch,
Louder, hey dan, who sculpted mount rushmore,
Gutzon borglum, then his son finished it why,
Now what state is it in,
Scoffs, i don’t know, ecuador or something,
Dan is me,
Academics,

Today i learned our walking speed is affected by whom we’re with, men’s pace slows down by an average of 7% when walking with female partners they’re interested in,
Women walking together move the slowest, and men walking with male friends moved at speeds faster than either man’s preferred walking speed,
Just zoomin around with the lads,
Scientifically proven hoes just slow you down,

There’s always that jerk named kevin that shows up in cartoons,
It’s a beach name,

Andre, there is a helicopter in the kitchen,
Grandma, that’s just the ceiling fan,
Seriously what the actual frick was andre’s grandma on,

You guys i was taking pictures of squadrick and he yawned and now i have this picture and i’m laughing so hard help me,
He scream,

You don’t hate winter, you hate living an atomized existence where you get up and go to your crappy job rather than sit inside under a fire with your kin telling stories, eating, and playing,
Capitalism, go to work,
10,000 years of evolution, stay home and spin wool and yarns,

Imagine how much better society would be if the emoji keyboard would be if the emoji keyboard looked like this,
Lil nas x we know its you,

I am the tsar of tumblr now if you wanna do something you gotta ask me,
Permission to cum sir,
I am no longer the tsar or tumblr,

He’s singing me a song,

The holy trinity of perplexing youtube phenomenon from around 10 years ago,

Honestly if someone tenderly cradled my face i think at this point i would probably blackout,
Ladies are you all okay,
No,

I’ll respect your opinion as long as your opinion doesn’t disrespect anybodies existence,
This phrase should be written everywhere around the world,

I was worried my cat is dehydrated because i never see him drink water so i’ve started leaving a cup of water that’s mine, a k a he sees me drink out of it once before he does, in my room so he thinks he is being a rebellious naughty by drinking out of it but really he is just following my plan and being hydrated,
God in the garden of eden,
Absolutely obsessed with the implications of this comment,

I’m the sexiest piece of as in this gamestop,
There’s no gamestop in the netherlands, nice try,
I adapt my posts for international audiences,
Ik ben het lekkerste stukje reet in de game mania,

Being a guy in love with a guy is not always cute or romantic or soft or tender,
Sometimes it’s pushing your boyfriend’s face away yelling because you have viral bronchitis and he keeps trying to kiss you knowing this because he’s a himbo with no sense of self preservation,
Update, he got bronchitis, you’ll never guess how,

See these feet,
No these feet,
This kitten looks like its about to whip,

Introducing a new alignment, chaotic lawful,
I have a strict moral code but nobody can figure out what the heck it is,
Not to be confused with lawful chaotic, which is creating as much chaos as possible by following the letter of the law, usually to ridiculous extremes,

Hey not to sound evil, but if i had the power to cast lightning bolt on anyone i wanted, i’d use it on people who inconvenience me even slightly,
Zeus but without the horny,
I simply did not mention the horny,

I found this jam in a gift shop, it was raspberry, orange, and gooseberry,
Do you know what they decided to name this beautiful thing,
Traffic jam,
They saw an opportunity and took it,

Hi toronto,
Is that you,
I was flying over toronto and my friend saw me,

Some people are afraid of dogs but i’m afraid of the opposite of dogs, the absence of dogs, dogless space,

I skipped class today after having a panic attack and then got an ominous email from my professor titled, maggie simpson, with only a photo of maggie simpson attached, this is a nightmare to me,

I don’t know what it is about sitting in chairs and having both feet on the floor but it’s so uncomfortable and awful and i’ll never willingly do it if there’s literally any other option,

Plugs h d m i cable into h d m i slot and not the u s b slot, i learned that at tech school,

God just be releasing new animals cause i’ve never seen this before l o l,

Okay so new movie sonic is definitely a marked improvement, but are the animators okay,
Were they paid well, did they get to sleep at all, were there enough of them, did they get very big bonuses and lots of apologies, are the animators okay,

The one in the white towel though,

Talines,
Okay but,
How,
Found it, it was right there the whole time s m h,

When i was like 6 years old i was woken up in the middle of night by a voice saying, play with me play with me, over and over and i stayed awake for two hours terrified as the voice continued and then i realized it was a furby,
How is that less scary,

Some cats in some funky sunglasses,

I just saw graffiti and all it said was bagels,
I’m really happy somebody is passionate enough about bagels to spray paint it on a wall,

What’s your type,
Type of what,
Blood,
Oh red,

Today my psych professor said, you’ll never truly know someone well enough to marry until you’ve seen them struggle financially, grieve a lost one, or witness them while they’re sick,
And that just hit really deep,
Truly amazing advice,
First date ideas, freeze their assets, kill one of their loved ones, poison their fricking dinner,

I am so bad at speaking to people, like i should really just be quiet, just stop saying, things,

Everyone thinks i’m too fat for him,
Frick everyone,
Only acceptable response,
This was too amazing not to reblog,
How could i ignore this,

World map of tradition of removing shoes in home,
Green, shoes removed,
Blue, shoes not removed,
If you don’t remove your shoes in my house, i’ll remove them for you with your feet as collateral damage,

Dad,
I would like to bring the young man some carrots, would that be acceptable,
My dad is coming out to see my horse tomorrow,

How to cook the correct amount of pasta,
1, pour out how much you think you need,
2, wrong,

Moms be like, call me if you need me, and then leave their phone on the other side of the house charging the entire day,
Showed this to my mom in person because she didn’t see it on her phone when i sent it to her,

Thanks to all of the radio signals and noise that the human race is making,
To an outside observer, the earth is sprinting around the sun, screaming,
No wonder the aliens don’t want to talk to us,

The paradox axe,
This makes me so angry,
The fact that they didn’t call it a paradaxe makes me angrier than the actual axe,

Mike wazowski with two eyes,
Not what i thought i needed but life is full of surprises,

Yoda in the originals, hee hee hoo hoo little creature i am, oooo huhuhu,
Yoda in the prequels, backflip i do, responsible for war crimes i am,
George bush after and during presidency,

Neighbor boy knocked on my door, often he needs his soccer ball inflated and asks me to use my air compressor,
He’s holding a giant as jar of minced garlic, and i’m like, so uh, what's going on, we have italian or what,
Umm, umm, grandma can’t open the jar and i’m not strong enough, can you,
So i open the jar, he runs back and spills the entire jar on the sidewalk,
I’m the kid,

Worms that make you cum,
So just normal worms,
Will you people please think for just once before typing a sentence on this site,

Are you the friend that opens water bottles or the friend who has to hand over water bottles to get them opened,

Do you ever just stick your leg in the air really high, just do it, right now, it will not disappoint,

It drives me nuts when i see someone google google to google something,

Instead of being edgy marvel should just pull a bill and ted, like instead of trying to rework the timeline, scott lang and carol danvers just go collecting people across space and time for an ultimate showdown redo fight with thanos,
Scott, i think we should grab nikola tesla,
Carol, we need fighters not scientists,
Scott, he invented a death ray, carol,

People who hate chatty cats are the worst like, your small friend is singing a song just for you, they have things to say, listen to them,

Sometimes the chains that prevent us from being free are more mental than physical,
This poor dog doesn’t even know why he’s in there,

When i stop talking and realize my therapist hasn’t said anything in a while,
You sly dog, you had me monologuing,
Oh my fricking god,

I subpoenaed those shred, we can piece them together,
I let the pile take me,
The first day of class versus a week later,

Nash grier,
Is there anything worse than being friend zoned,
How about being stabbed,

Do you ever go to sleep really early because you’re bored and want the day to end,

A scottish farmer at auchingarrich wildlife center fools tourists into believing that her flock produce tartan wool with the help of some harmless sheep marking spray,
The visiting americans were told that the animals were being raised on a diet of irn bru and shortbread,

I can’t believe those priests sit in that confessional booth and listen to all the towns gossip n get their life, i want that,

I fricking love perry the platypus cause he’s like a really fricking good secret agent and he’s great at fighting but he also looks like this,

We almost dated, is such a weird relationship to have with someone,

At school like,
It hurt itself in its confusion,

Science fact, if you close your eyes, you won't be able to see,