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  1. You never cared. Do you really think I was ever as gullible, ever as stupid as I appeared to you? Do you think i ever forgot about Missouri? When mom wasn't home how rage filled you would get at jess and i, i wouldn't be surprised if you don't even remember, like how you don't "remember" throwing me against that wall in albany texas, inside yours and mom's bedroom, on the right wall when facing the doorway to the small hallway, between your computer desk and the walk in restroom. I'm sure you don't remember that little "game" you would play where you would smother me with my pillow because i would "just make noise to make noise" because i guess that irked you. Eventually i learned how to fake passing out, but you never knew that. Btw if you're ever getting smothered with a pillow, open your mouth all the way that it can open up sideways, but don't open your mouth all the way vertically, just a little bit. This creates small areas of air flow on the corners of your mouth allowing you to breathe. I see how fucked up people are today because of "physical punishment". yall made me drink vinegar which i think is hilarious now tbh, i can see why you were entertained at the idea. I have a psychological response any time i am stressed now, i can taste vinegar in my mouth any time i'm stressed, i shut down any time i recieve any kind of contact from you, when everything keeps flooding back because i cannot forget shit. how about trying to send me to the YOC, the youth opportunity center when i was in 5th grade because someone saw what you had done to me, someone finally recognized my behavior wasn't exactly normal. i thought getting physical punishment was normal, yall made me to believe Mrs. Dolan, a woman who cared and who died of brain cancer, yall made me hate her, yall told me she was going to pull the family apart. i should have let her. maybe then jess wouldn't have tried to kill herself with a knife in front of me, maybe she wouldn't have tried with pills, maybe i wouldn't have tried to kill myself "oh wait that was for attention right" well hey, over half a decade later i guess you're right dad, you always have to be right don't you? i wanted to talk about quantum physics with you, i wanted to discuss reality, i wanted to talk about multiverse theory, or quantum suicide theory, or jesus fuck dude, anything. but you would just play age of empires all day, or later on in indiana you would just play runescape all day. how you would lie to so many people in the congregation at church "oh my family is so great, wish i could be as great as my daughter, my son , and my wife" fucking bullshit to cover any kind of possibility that people would see how actually dysfunctional our family was, because fake happiness sells to those idiots in those pews does it not? "give us your money to pay for a ticket into heaven you pigs, want to feel like you aren't a piece of garbage? BUY your way into heaven now!" you're an actual swindler, you've always been, thinking you had absolute control of the power dynamic within the family and all others who you felt were below you. i learned so much about cheating, lying, stealing, and manipulating by observing you, so thanks for that i guess, follow in the "footsteps of the lord" yknow i didn't tell you guys about being raped because i figured that to you i would just be "looking for attention" again. first bathroom on the left of the highschool's front entrance, during 4th period. you never knew that my main goal in life is to create a virus that targets damaged, missing, or multiple copies of dna within each and every person. something that could fix literally any genetic disorder and bring relief to so much suffering. how much work i have put into that already on paper, and now my work is cut out for me now that that crisprcas9 has been laid out. i have designs for an electric car with a max speed of 120 mph with 4 to 5 hours of drive time with multiple passengers sign me up for tesla, i have so much else i have always been planning and working on, but yeah you're right, none of that was ever important and shouldnt have been talked about, im just an idiot right? yall didn't even care when i was dying. did yall know that when i was incredibly sick, during that semester i was at ivy tech, i had a rib that had broken at work at mcdonalds, that rib had punctured my left lung, and my stomach during my fall, setting up easy infection. i worked, i went to school, i walked everywhere just slowly dying. i could not move without puking from the pain and you all saw it. i still cannot take a full breath of air without intense pain, i cannot eat too much food at once because that area begins to flare up again. i was dying and you guys barely gave a single shit, i was dying on your livingroom floor puking, when i went to the doc, apparently i only had 10% breathing capacity and i would have died the next week. don't ever fucking question my determination in anything "dad" you were the one who never tried, not me. i hate you. i have been trying to get you to leave me alone, because like i said before any time i get a message or an email or anything, i shut down, i do not function for days, that fucks my life up, and until i can find a way to fix myself, or get the money for some kind of shrink, then any time that happens my whole life gets fucked up for a while. i can't work, i can't eat, i barely drink fluids. yall never once thought to see if i had some kind of mental shit? maybe my impulsive behavior that could not be just taught or beaten away? maybe my inability to focus unless something reaally catches my eye, my inability to socialize except with psychopaths like corey garrett (oh yeah fuck him btw) my general intellect while lacking certain levels of understanding that everyone else had such an easy grasp, you didn't think i had autism, or aspbergers, adhd, bipolar, nothin? no red flags came up mr pscyhology degree? you know that your mother has schizophrenia right? you know that shit is genetic right? you know you have ocd right? did you know that schizophrenia, OCD, and autism/aspbergers all reside in incredibly close areas of the brain genetically and thus structurally speaking? did you ever think to do any kind of research with that? oh hey im not straight btw, idk how you feel on faggots but hey, if it does or doesn't piss you off then great.   Did you know i havn't been able to sleep correctly since i was 11 because i was so tired of the nightmares i would have of you "dad"? how literally terrified i was of you, how every time i would shrink or jump when i saw you approaching me, Do you know how much that has affected my life in of itself? i have no sleep schedule,  none, work is incredibly difficult and not even the army was able to fix my sleep schedule. you thought my "video games" were the reason i was up so late? no i forced myself to sleep so little that i wouldn't be able to remember dreams at the very least. You said i was seeking attention when i tried to kill myself my junior year, in january, with mr wilder as the presenting counselor. i have never had a legitimate fucking discussion about anything because you are so fucked in the head dude. You think i really believe in all that religious bullshit? Cmon man, someone as intelligent as you knows the absolute futility and irrational thought behind something like that, i know you just do it for the money, because it's easy, because you are very very good at manipulating others to feed into your lies. What did i ever do wrong with you guys by the by? I fucking existed, sure i know how much of a sin that is in your eyes dad. i never fought, i never stole, i never bullied, i never "went through a phase" i never snuck out, i never did drugs, i never did anything that everyone else was doing, because yeah i realized it isn't all that. fuck you and your perfection delusion. i did damn well, so fuck you for not recognizing. i never did anything to deserve your hate. "love you chance" shut the fuck up, lying to me every god damn day. I had to raise myself yeah? you know i can't remember a single thing you ever taught me about life? not a single thing other than the cheapskate shit about using people and cheating. mom gave me words of wisdom, i was just a fucking piece of paper in a garbage can to you, a waded up post it note titled "mistake". i cannot remember a single thing about life from you except "you don't start the fight you finish it" you are so wrong. you start the fight, you finish the fight, you recognize what is wrong and you take action on it, mom was the only one who cared, jessica was too busy dealing with HER own personal hell from you to care about anyone except herself, and she couldnt even do that. i never got to talk with any of you except for mom, mom listened to my ideas, mom cared, mom gave me feedback. mom told me things were possible when they were, mom told me things weren't possible when they weren't, even when mom didn't know about the things i was talking about she would say "oh i don't really know about that stuff but go on" even if she wasn't listening she was someone i could talk to. someone i could work ideas through in my head. i learned how to actually care about other people through her, i learned how to comfort others because there were points in time where my mother was crying in my arms from the things i said to make her feel better, and they weren't lies, i learned how to think critically because of her, i learned how to go from innocently sweet and nice to a psycho within a second because of her. you're a fucking piece of shit and you know it, and i know you can easily live with yourself, you've done it for decades now, keep that stiff upper lip, you'll need it to cover the dentures in a few years. i don't care how this message affects the family, i don't care how this makes yall feel about me or about eachother. like you said "Dad" it looks like i might as well "Fly straight, tell no more half truths, put aside the big words and just honestly work with reality" well here ya fuckin go "Dad" here's some reality. you can take it and shove it up your ass. fuck you. i hope you're god damn happy.
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