Dear ( ),

I don't really know how to tell you this but the rainbow hedgehogs want to destroy you. I think I realized it when you put cuffs on me outside of your office and I saw you sit on your "My Little Pony" collection. I'm sure you're shamed enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage men. I'm returning your old New Kids on the Block blanket but keeping your collection of butterflies as a memory. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and I love Oprah. Warm tingly sensations.