ivwe been playing d&d for like 4 maybe 5 sessions now
so lemme do a quick recount
>be me
>game starts
>dragonborn named dragonguy because i didnt wanna spend hours learning what was good or bad, i just picked something that seemed cool and ran with it
>icanspitacid.gif
>be tailor's assistant apparently
>some pc's walk in
>one orders some lightweight clothes that also work well as armor
>the other, Thor, orders
>a leather dress
>thor is a man
>we make them their stuff then they go on their way
>meanwhile
>one of the players gets robbed fucking blind by a shopkeeper because he gave him a platinum as payment then when asked "do you have more" he said "yes"
>he lost 50 platinum iirc
>he gets mad, hires someone to steal it back "without killing him" (he's a paladin)
>hired man walks in, first thing he does
>shoot the guy with crossbow, steal money
>gives money back to paladin
>he learns that the guy was killed, goes to drown his sadness in beer
>hires a prostitute (also a party member)
>"sheniqua needs some cash"
>everybody is fucking dying
>he rolls a 20 on strength
>at some point later prostitue falls unconcious from fucking like three people in one day (in a bush)
>ok at this point i skip a session because i couldn't be there
>i come back, the king is dead.
>i get fired because fucking racism, people dont like dragonborns
>some elf fucker walks up to me and offers me 10 platinum for a job to "go somewhere and take a thing"
>i'm suspicious at first but fuck it i only have 10 gold to my name
>shake on it
>FUCKING HWAT
>i'm on a boat now
>in the middle of the ocean
>and i only got 1 copper
>GOD DAMN YOU SATAN
>hey the other people are here wow now we all in the same place and now DM can do things that are managable lol
>to pass the time on the boat (only one of us knows where we're going) me, paladin, and monk play D&D within D&D
>basically roll for survival and then whoever has the lowest roll is picked off
>i win haha
>OHSHIT paladin is trying to fight me
>thor from earlier "intervenes" by which i mean smashes us both to fucking hell with his hammer
>i go from max to 1 hp immediately
>sleep to get health back
>meanwhile, thor goes to the cargo hold, sees a book on a pedestal, and opens it
>he gets sucked in, someone else with a bag over their head comes out, arms and legs tied
>hes in cultistland now
>someone goes looking for him, finds what he left
>gets the only one who knows whats happeneing
>we werent supposed to open that book
>they cant read the title so they wake me since its in draconic
>it's some dude's spellbook
>one of them wants to open the book again to get thor out
>points it at guy, opens book
>FIRE EVERYWHERE
>ON A WOODEN BOAT
>ohfuck.png
>go try to wake paladin and monk, they cant be woken up
>apparently they got an std from shinequa (who isnt here this session)
>they have the bright idea to keep opening the book
>wind spreads the fire, then he opens it again and swaps places with thor. the only one who knew what we were doing is in the book now
>find buckets, try putting out fire
>IT'S NOT WORKING FAST ENOUGH, ITS NEARLY AT THE GUNPOWDER BARRELS
>lightbulb.jpeg
>have thor punch a hole in the boat in the cargo hold
>not a large one, but enough to fill buckets with so we can put it out
>we do it, manage to put out the fire
>monk and paladin wake up
>monl: 86 on his insanity roll. paladin: 98. monk gets more humourous the more serious the situation, paladin REALLY wants to kill people
>he kills monk
>before he does so I hear hysterical laughter (monk) and something heavy being dragged above deck, then an abrupt stop to the laughter (he ded)
>set hunting trap at the door in, equip my shortswords, and wait stealthily
>idr why, but a hole was opened to the top deck and through the bottom of the boat earlier
>i roll a nat 20 on stealth, thor rolls a nat 1.
>i recede into the shadows in wait, and thor yells "THOR WANTS SMASH!"
>paladin jumps down through hole, sees thor and the other guy but not me, yells "HERE'S JOHNNY!"
>tries killing them (poorly) with crossbow bolts
>i sneak around and try using my acid breath
>oh wait it turns out it depends on my constitution stat for how easy it is to take half damage from it fuck mine is low
>try anyway, roll 2 d6 for damage
>1 and 3, and he makes a save throw so he takes 2 damage
>thor and other guy completely kill him in two blows
>we find a lifeboat, grab some food supplies, and gtfo, no time to save shinequa
>boat sinks shortly after we get off it
>monk is in hell, being slow-clapped by satan for doing a bad job
>paladin is in heaven, where his god says "begone thot" because he literally worked for satan, and banishes him to hell
>satan is apparently making them reborn to try to get the job done, but if they fail again they be in hell forever
>we got to mainland
and thats it so far