I feel like this would be the best if not the long term then defiantly the short, there are things that i need to do here if I don't I will regret that I'm not comfy doing while in a relationship. And I don't know how much I love you. The only times I really really think of our relationship in a purely positive and happy way is when we're actually speaking to each other. And I can't wear that mask any more. I've tried my hardest get you over here and telling you i wasn't 100% on your ef application was one of the hardest things I've had to do and to be honest you was right when you said I didn't sound happy that you got the interview you was right, my though selfishly was oh no my bachelor-lite life style was over.though that's not why I told you to cancel it. I knew some ppl knew you had applied and I was terrified that this decent life I had could be over if people found you out then linked us up. When I first came to china ye I wanted a new life and to turn over a new leaf but at the time I wasn't quite sure what I'd have to leave behind and though maybe foolishly that things will just work out. And I admit the first month wasn't so bad
It was kinda what we was used to then the second month came and the third and it just got harder and harder. Then i met new ppl and just continued with the life. That I had started to build and slowly you started to disappear. But don't worry you had always been at least a part of that and at first I was fully happy waiting to see you at Christmas but when you said it may be after them I don't know something just snapped fully. I tried my hardest to get you here but I don't know every way yes they want native white but most now require the degree and I feel bad because you failed maybe if I had been different in uni it could have been different maybe I missed the signs but I had my own shit to deal with. And speaking of uni I am eternally great full because I know you dragged me through it and loved and supported me and now I'm trying my best but I feel as if my best isn't good enough life if different now. I know you saw china as I did a way out of the shit hole that is Manchester that's why you know that I cannot go back, I know that we planned at most that I would be here 15 months at the most but now I don't see it that way. What I want to do is maybe stay st ef or even get another job with more holidays or cash or whatever , just anything rather than go back home. And speaking of ef my social life now is completely different I now have a new and very supportive network
Of friend and co workers that even if I wanted to leave china I couldn't. I've had so many new experiences and events am I truly the same person we before? This I cannot answer because  I do not know. I know this was one of our fears and I know it would seem like I dismissed it that once i would get here the old world inc you was was gone and I'm sorry that I proved you correct. Another worry of mine is what happens when you get here and things just aren't the same and then your stuck here maybe in our relationship maybe you just don't get China or something I know ppl from my onboarding who was like "yea I'm ready let's go" and then they aren't and it doesn't work out for them. And I can no longer stomach the though that you may land her be here a week and then we fall out and your like shit I'm here for x amount of months and it's all my fault I just can't string you along with my good thoughts anymore that you will get here

My first thoughts about this looking back was when you asked if I was  okay you brought a ring and I said I would.  Yes I feel this may have been a little harsh or cruel. And at the time I believed it was the correct course of action for myself. And looking back at it I start to see from what I believe from your point of view a complete rejection of marriage. It's like you actually went down on one knee and I said no. I imagine for that moment or while you would have felt rejected I understand, but I still feel the feelings I though then. Yes you are Marry-able but I am not I'm unsure if I ever will be and I don't know if I ever will be.

And then there was the time I was actually disappointed when you got your ef interview I tried to play it of. But I don't believe you believed me as I mentioned before

And then there was telling you  to cancel. My thoughts on that still hold true. Though fully believed  was a joint decision

Me recently when you said To me that it was Christmas at the earliest that you could get here. I do not know if I can wait that long