Re: SYP/DayZ

Hey dude.

For a long, long time I've been putting up with crap - in real life as well as on video games.

I play games to get away from real life things.  It's an escape from the mundane things people do to each other.

Lately, for about 6 to 10 months, I can't get away from that in game either.

It seems no matter what effort I give I cannot escape the lesser behavior of people.  If I try, it's me that is chastised and not the person with the lesser behavior.  We saw it a while back with the guy on that other server that continually broke planking rules.  Nobody does much of anything when that happens to the person breaking the rule and behaving badly.  When I did what I could to stop it, everyone - including my friends and teammates - shit all over me for it.  Nothing I did was aggressive - it was retaliatory - and only after exhausting the proper channels who didn't care but chastised me for asking that the rules be honored.

Outside of attempts to still bad game behavior I still get static from my friends over ridiculous things.  My decision to have people rent rooms from me - which affects NOBODY in a video game - gets marauded.  My decision to try to forge a relationship with Melanie, whom I admit doesn't have a great track record but I wish to give her more chances anyways, gets marauded.  My very voice itself at times is attacked!  The idea that I'm terminally ill which is why I sound like that isn't considered.   Just NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. always NO is all I get, even on things I cannot change because I am dying from them.  My vision is wrecked; it's a function of the illness.  I get a lot of heat for it and no mercy.

After some time I come to think that in the end these people are probably not my friends at all.  I've been wrong before, so I stuck it out.  Find the deep truth and not surface ideas, I thought.  But also, perhaps I needed to compromise.

Much of the static at me seemed to be that I was sick.  I mean, I got a lot of shit over my vision.  My vision is from being sick.  So I let you guys off the hook on it and made up some crap about not being sick.  I am, I just figured if I'm not sick you guys won't be so annoyed with it.  The hospital visit the other day, I had a heart attack.  I don't have much actual blood in my body - kidney failure ruins your ability to make red blood cells.  Without actual blood the heart can't pump right.  But, if I let you guys know that you'll give me the usual disdain.  So I walked out of the hospital when I could get up.  I refused treatment for a heart attack thinking it'd prevent some crap with my friends.

That's the weird blood thing from the other day.  No blood blood just water caused a heart attack.

Laura isn't real, by the way.  That's a random person.  Melanie has been the girl for quite some time.  But if I say so, I get a ton of shit from people it doesn't affect at all.

I'm so tired of it, Adam.  I'm so tired of struggling with a fatal illness and the typical relationship stuff and the terrible things we all do to each other.  It's quite a bit to handle.  And the dawning realization upon me that most of the people I count as friends are not my friend, and my only reprieve from these realities isn't enjoyable for the same things I'd like to escape, I find that I really don't want to keep doing all this.

California has a law for terminally ill people.  I've been navigating the system it requires for a bit now and I got approved.  I filled the prescription a little while ago.  Mostly I waited to see if there really was a reason to keep up the fight.  None presented itself.

I still miss Angie, she was rather fun. I still miss Raven's mom, she was the gold standard to which everyone else was judged.  Her name is Rebecca and she was a delight for most of our time together.  I miss my little girl most of all.  She was my greatest achievement in a lifetime of great achievements, which include starting college at age 9, being part of the FBI (briefly), and being an active part for the hunt for Osama bin Laden (and is the reason why my name changed rather often.  It was my team that found him, with me acting as a communications exploitation specialist).

I've booked a vacation one of which I won't be returning.  My affairs are in order so I won't inconvenience anyone.  Thank you for the memories.  It was fun much of the time despite the constant harassment and downgrades.  I appreciate the group as they provided a lot of laughs and good times for my last year.  But, I'm not about to suffer the worst end of renal/cardiac failure, and I've got little to no incentive to try to.

See ya.