Week 6

I watch Red Zone half the time and still have to see a whole pile of rage inducing commercials every weekend. Some ads just piss me off. Football broadcasters only run the same rotation of like 12 companies so you end up seeing the same shit-for-brains ads over and over again.

Yup, officially out of ideas and bored of spewing out point totals.....

Oh Me Sehorn-y still winning. This time against LostThatLovinThielen.

I can't believe Bobby's still undefeated. Thus begins the airing of grievances against 2017 advertising. The worst one on air right now is for Nissan. A family is throwing a frisbee in their front yard, the father and daughter are about 30 inches away from each other. Really great setup for frisbee. A dachshund sits on the ground beneath them, unhappy he can't participate, even though he clearly could. Just jump, dude. Out of nowhere, Dad gets a great idea, flings a moonshot frisbee toss into LA, hops in his Nissan, and as Journey plays, they chase the frisbee down. They reach it at the Coliseum where the dog runs out, jumps on top of the car and catches it, using shitty CGI. Why? Why were they allowed on the field? Why do they celebrate when the dog was the one who succeeded? Why did they have to go this far? Couldn't they just let the dog get the damn disc in their own yard? This is the only ad worse than Bobby's dominance. He won with Gronk and his typical cheating bullshit, the Houston D, and Carlos Hyde. Just like the family in this ad, I'm hoping Bobby orders some onion rings the next time he hears “Don't Stop Believin'” (Timely reference, right?! [This means I hope the threat of death lingers over Bobby's shoulder for life.{Literally? Metaphorically? I can't tell any more}])

Hummus Amongus successfully kicks a man when he's down.

It's not enough that my team got gang banged out of a chance to win this weekend. But with my life spiraling (I'm also a Knick fan....), I have to put up with this shit, too? Losing to Team Kaepernick? If the Patriot win wasn't bad enough, how about this Hyundai ad with Sweet Caroline in it? I'm a Red Sox fan, I don't hate this song. But do I need to hear and see this ad 400 times a weekend? This guy singing in this ad is a walking billboard for road rage shootings. He has a Bobby-level punchable face, too. And who has their windows down in a traffic jam? I drive with my windows open 8 months a year but when there's no air moving I close them up because I'm not a fucking imbecile. Hummus dude dealt his crippling blows with the Baltimore defense, Deshaun Watson, and Leonard Fournette, all with over 20 points. Meanwhile everyone and everything IrritableBowlesSyn related fumbled at the goal line. They all sucked. The whole roster scored 4 touchdowns and threw 5 interceptions.

Le'veon la Vida Loca keeps the good times rolling, smack down Golden Jay....Golden.

Coke Zero renamed itself Coke Zero Sugar. Who thought that was a good idea. “Hey, you know how everyone hates the concept of drinking sugar water? What if we add the word sugar into our product so that even though this has none, people associate it with sugar?” That's immaterial when considering the mock regular guy attitude they convey in the ad. We're just a small town global industry megapower with several trillions of historical revenue, we're not going to use any celebrity endorsers because we know you smart consumers (who we have enormous contempt for) are too keen to be tricked by that. This ad was clearly written by either Abe Simpson or a robot, because it's so unable to recognize that its own manufactured folksiness is transparent.

The Babies get their second tooth, actually win a week!

In a battle of blah, somebody had to win. The Babies go over 100 points and assert European dominance over China. So, how do these people not know the Chevy focus group guy by now? I get it, lots of people don't watch TV. Or only watch Netflix or Hulu or other commercial free stuff. But they have to recognize this guy by now right? When he asks them to name the brand that won this award, or does so and so, just say Chevy. He's asking about Chevy. You know this by now. And where are they finding these people, especially for the truck ads? These guys all work IT and they're pretending they spend 12 hours a day in a lumber forest, or hauling gravel. What are they doing with it? Why is everyone always hauling gravel in truck ads? Why do people need so much gravel? Aren't most gravel needs covered by like dump trucks or other machinery that's owned by construction companies? There were some huge defensive weeks this week. The Babies got 27 from the Rams, above I mentioned Baltimore and Houston. The Saints would have had a mega week for someone but of course the Saints defense is generally awful so nobody owns them. The Babies also saw Carson Palmer rise from the dead to score 21 points. Ha-Ha Clinton Wang had two total dead spots in Jameis Winston and Jeremy Maclin, who were both too hurt to do much of anything.

Flowers For Eligernon beats his wife.

Or so I've heard. Prove me wrong. I've expressed my hatred for Panera Bread ads to people I actually talk to (both of them!) but they're still running them. Panera is so paranoid people think they're a granola and quinoa shop they have people in their ads eat like fucking wolverines. Ripping into paper, shoving giant forkfuls of salad into their gaping faceholes. Letting food fall over them and just eating off their shirt like Cathy from the comics. I don't need to see other people eating like schlobones. I have a mirror. Not only does it make the food look like disposable fuel that you just have to eat, quickly and passionlessly (eat Soylent instead), it also makes Panera look desperate to cash in on the fat gross person demographic that Arby's and Burger King have on total lockdown. Antonio Brown and his miracle TD led the way, Christian McCaffrey is also collecting a lot of balls (more than Bobby), though not getting much as a RB. Meanwhile I'm Adoree-ble Jacks roster was a parade of mediocrity.

TooKooForThisLeague Tumbles for Ya

Buick's play to attract people who aren't about to die of nursing home neglect is so hilariously desperate. The coups de grace is this turd of an ad where two women listen to a third friend's text message read by their Buick's computerized voice. It has emojis! Buick knows emojis! They're so hip to the 2011 lingo. That's insufferable enough, but the two actresses deserve the Golden Toilet award for shitty acting. It's not their fault. They're stuck with the concept, but I mean...c'mon. Rise above the material a little. Melvin Gordon gets the MVP here. He had, I think, the biggest week of anyone in the league in a much needed time. Nobody else even got 15 points, and Brian Hoyer got benched (eat that, Ed Chiu!!!). Revenge of Tumbler only had one significant score, too. But Kirk Cameron-I mean Cousins couldn't hold the fort.


Thanks for Nothing Award: Brian Hoyer, TooKooForThisLeague. I think Hoyer had the lowest point total among guys who didn't get hurt. I don't really want to double check. Just accept this as truth and move on.

Bench MVP: Adrian Peterson, I'm Adoree-ble Jacks. Remember when I said last week this guy was done?.....[Schwarzenegger voice] I LIED.