LOL PAD

Puzzle & Dragons
[The Farce]

Age Roll? WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR AGE! But if you want, take a 1d8 and add 13 to it.
Gender? WE'LL TAKE YOUR MONEY REGARDLESS OF GENDER! Just stay whatever suits you.
Physical Appearance? WON'T MATTER HERE! But you can keep your normal self.
There's no race selection, so get ready to STAY HUMAN!
YOU'RE NOT HERE TO ROLL FOR LOCATIONS DAMMIT!

OK KID. WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THINGS SIMPLE AND CLEAN.
WELCOME TO PAD. THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE CALLING THIS PLACE PAD.
THE NAME DOESN'T MATTER ALRIGHT? WHERE'S YOUR WALLET?!

	But ok, to be fair, you're really only here because you probably want a waifu. Well have we got a deal for you. Not.
	We really should have called it Puzzle and Waifus to be fair but we didn't because it was a bad hit to PR.
	Look just don't expect dragons alright.
	Now, you're going to be coming in here wondering "What am I supposed to be doing?"
	GO OUT THERE AND COLLECT MONSTERS.
	TRAIN THEM. EVOLVE THEM. REALIZE HOW USELESS THEY ARE COMPARED TO SUPERIOR REM MONSTERS!
	Then come burn your cash on us to roll on the REM for a better monster and repeat the process.
	Otherwise I think you should really just consider this a vacation.
	Here we'll give you a donation of 1000 CP.

Backgrounds
	Drop In - FOR ALL YOU CRAZY FOLK WHO HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE
	Specialist - Because some of us actually know how to play, and well.
	Gambler - Where's there's money, there's bound to be a way!
	Collector - Doesn't care about progression, doesn't care about rolling, just need to fill out the collection.

Perks
	Drop In
		Puzzles? Dragons? 100
			Like everybody else who starts this game you literally have no clue what you're doing here. But hey at least you've suddenly learned a good deal about puzzles and matching games! You can instinctively see things like orbs hovering in the air to guide you now! Guide you to what? We have NO CLUE!

		Two Prong Special 200
			There's gonna be those times when two baddies are positioned so perfectly side by side that you'll be able to hit both at once. Well, maybe that's close enough. When you hit an enemy, another foe nearby also takes a very minute portion of damage.

		Rows Rows Rows! 400
			Why hit two when you can hit a whole lot more? When you hit an enemy, a straight line radiates out from them in both sides, and enemies that fall across this line also take a small bit of damage - catch: it can only hit up to 5 enemies at once.

		Change the World! 600
			I think they really should have labelled it as CHANGE ZA WARUDO - but they didn't. Either way, time stops for 7 seconds which you can take to quickly rearrange everybody's positions ( BUT ONLY THAT ). But be careful, because if you accidentally step out of the area, time will suddenly go back to normal - and the area is really just the local vicinity around you.

	Specialist
		Combo Chaining 100
			I can see the ending already. No wait, I only see one combo ahead BUT THAT'S OK. You can plan so much more efficiently, just by being able to see one more step than you already could! It's that legendary X+1 style planning!

		Cascade Stratagem 200
			When X+1 fails, there's always X>Y>Z>Q>V style planning! That's right, that kind of obfuscated planning where you're not even sure what you're doing but each plan trips onto another so well that it looks like you actually knew what you were doing all along! (But nobody actually did). You can keep track of intricate plans and keep necessary locations and positions in memory with ease.

		Process Optimization 400
			4 2 prongs or 3 rows? Look, if you're going to be getting to that level of planning, you're gonna want to buy this. With it you'll be able to optimize a plan with whatever you have on hand. Granted, you're probably going to be reaching some sort of Macguyver-1 tier in terms of planning at your best, but that's still pretty good isn't it?

		Skyfall 600
			Man Plans. God Plans. The REM God Plans...but in the end, no one will know what future awaits. You know what? WE SAY NAY TO THAT! Well, we can't look ahead to the future very well yet, but with this, you'll at least have a good idea of what the most likely outcome is going to be, and have that dreadful feeling creep into you as you realize your plans have a good chance of not working. Call it - the Expert's Intuition.

	Gambler
		Discount Pricing 100
			You can't be a gambler if you don't have money, and you can't save money if you can't haggle, so you're a master haggler now! You definitely aren't a master gambler - but hey, one step at a time yeah?

		Rampant Desire Sensors 200
			Does it seem like that pile of salt is growing because of the slot machine? Does it seem like the slot machine just seems to know exactly what you want? Feel like you're destined to lose more than you win? That ain't fair now is it? Well, once you get this, we'll get you the safety net you need! When you gamble, even if you lose, you'll still get a small consolation prize - not enough to make back your losses, but a small bit of return anyways!

			Oh don't thank us for paying you in salt. Salt is useful you know!

		Golden Shower 400
			It's raining golden eggs! Oh, did we mention that half of those eggs are explosive? Yeah you should probably take care when you cast this spell. I wouldn't bother with trying to pick up the eggs, we filled the other half with salt because we couldn't afford explosives.

		Pal Machine 600
			A Pal Machine, you know, for when you need to roll for a friend! Oh...I meant call a friend, but you get what I meant. When you use this, a giant silver roulette machine will fall from the sky - WATCH OUT IF YOU'RE IN THE FALL ZONE - well anyways, after you spin the machine, you're most likely going to get your body weight in salt. But sometimes you'll strike jackpot, and a companion in reserve will tumble out most ungraciously.

			They'll return back to wherever they came from in five minutes though, so make good use of your time.

	Collector
		On the Spot Analysis 100
			Saw a monster before and had no clue what it was besides the fact that it looked pretty? Wanted to know what skills monsters had before they attack you? HAVE NO FEAR THIS SKILL IS HERE. Ok well, you're going to need to take a couple seconds to scan of course, but when we said on the spot we meant +/- 3 seconds ok. It'll give you a semi-decent analysis of the target's information. No. You can't use it to perv out waifus.

		Evolution Analysis 200
			If a monster can evolve, you can see it, and you'll be able to see the necessary requirements too. It'll drain you substantially, but you can infuse a bit of your own energy into monsters to push their experience up by a bit. It might hurt - but if it means filling out the collection it must be worth it!

		Money Grab Variations 400
			Are you telling me there's 9 different variations of Hera? WHY DID ZEUS EVER CHEAT ON HER IF SHE WAS SO VARIED? Oh, Zeus in PAD doesn't cheat on people? Oh...dang. Well either way - if you ever get a monster or a summon that has a cosmetic variation, you can swap freely between them. Yes, this is just a cosmetic switch - you can't swap actual abilities.

		AWAKENING!+ 600
			You're going to notice a lot of people have these monsters with a weird +297 on top of their heads. Well yeah, because monsters can get stronger here with more +s! It's more of a minor physical boost, but now everybody can get them! Ok, well it's really just you and your companion monsters. Oh, by the way, even at +297 the boost isn't very significant, and it'll take so much grinding to get there you'll have bathtubs of salt before long. Enjoy the grind.

=Companions=
	No. GODDAMIT YOU GET ALL YOU NEED FROM THE RARE EGG MACHINE.
	Oh I didn't explain that part did I. You'll get 1 companion starting off for free. But only up to a 3*, and no collab material, not without opening the related scenario. You can collect as many as you want, but only 5 can end up becoming your end companions. You can collect monsters generally by defeating them in battle - at which point they'll drop eggs. That's right, monsters will drop eggs, even if it makes no sense at all.

	But no, not every monster will drop an egg. In fact, most 5* and up monsters don't drop eggs. Actually a fuckton of monsters don't drop eggs. That's how we milk the money outta ya you see. You gotta pay your way to the top! Ok maybe it ain't that bad. Once every two years, you'll get to roll the REM (Ridiculously Exasperating Mechanism), and you can get a 5* monster that way. Aren't we so kind?!

	OK FINE IF YOU WANT COMPANIONS. 100 CP for 1. 400 CP for 8. They'll get a background and 300 CP. Oh, they can get a 3* sub companion...but only one goddamit. WE CAN'T KEEP GIVING THESE STONES AWAY DAMMIT.

=Items=
		Bags of Salt (0 CP)
			Look man, all the salt in the world, and it's yours for free. Make good use of it.

		Bizarre Spatial Storage (30 to begin with, 50 CP for 10 extra spaces - stacks as many times as you want.)
			LOOK IF YOU'VE GOT EXTRA MONSTERS, YOU TOSS THEM IN HERE.

		Puzzle Board (100 CP)
			You're asking me what this does? I HAVE NO CLUE! Alright. It seems like it lets you play a matching game, like bejeweled. But that's pretty much it. Oh, maybe your monsters get a bit of a power up if you're good at the game. WHY ARE YOU PLAYING GAMES WHEN YOU'RE FIGHTING?!

		Evolutionary Materials Set (200 CP)
			A full array of evolutionary monsters, and they don't even take up your room! They'll replenish as you use them, so no fears about never having enough to evolve. Oh, did we mention that they replenish once a year? Hey quality comes at a price you know.

		Tamadra (200 CP)
			This guy, he's like our mascot. See that star on his belly? If he gives it to a monster, your monster will awaken some passive abilities. Awesome right? Even better, unlike normal Tamadra who fly off to Tamaland after they're done, this one sticks around and will regenerate his star after a month. Totally worth the price right?

		Collab Materials (200 CP)
			YOU WANT THAT DBZ? OR THAT EVANGELION? OR MAYBE SOME HELLO KITTY? Well if you buy this, you'll get to choose a collaboration option to open - and that's gonna let you choose.

			Hey uh you weren't thinking you would get the real thing were you? The monsters you get here are just minor physical copies - I hope you weren't thinking you actually get real people and gods like Noah and Odin either. Noah wasn't a girl in real life bro! But hey, at least it's not like you can't improve on them later!

		Re-roll (500 CP)
			Didn't like what you got from your free roll? Want some more on top of what you already have? WE LOVE GREED! If you pay 300 CP you can pick another 5*! Hell if you roll blind (http://www.puzzledragonx.com/en/eggmachine.asp?type=rare&options=5,0,0,0,0) we'll make you pay 250 CP instead of 500! We'll be nice and let you choose the godfest yourself (PICK YOUR OWN GODFEST ON THAT PAGE IF YOU'RE GOING TO ROLL RANDOMLY).

=Drawbacks=
		The Salt Must Flow (0 CP)
			Devastated by wasted gems, traumatized by impossible dungeons, ravaged by bad financial choices, yet the pile of salt grows. It seems that the salt doesn't actually disappear or melt away anymore. Whenever salt is produced, it simply accumulates - and doesn't seem to get consumed.

		Stop! Puzzle Time! (0 CP)
			When the timing is right, you can settle an argument in the way countless mobage consumers have - by an old school high speed, high intensity, low action, high insult slinging, low sportsmanship, variable skill game of glorified bejeweled. If you win in this fashion, they'll begrudgingly accept your argument - but they might just challenge you right back! Be careful, when you take this drawback, it's likely that everybody who start to try and solve petty arguments this way.

		Binding (100 CP)
			Your skills have been sealed off! Your monsters too, but since they only have one skill they don't really care too much.

		Jammer (100 CP)
			It seems like strange cogs have been appearing everywhere as of late - getting in the way of all your attacks and spells. Enemies seem to be able to take cover behind them too.

		Oh Shit They're Serious! (200 CP)
			Well, you don't have your items, abilities or skills, and people just got serious. They're out for your wealth, down to every last penny. They'll fight you, and they'll mostly be stronger than you are, or faster, or smarter. If they win, they'll take your possessions - and when you have nothing left, they'll take you into slavery, there to farm gems for the rest of your time here.