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a guest May 22nd, 2019 76 in 5 days
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  1. I went to counseling today. Like I've been discussing with her and telling, I've only been to three counselors in my life. The first time when I was very little. The second time when I was in college. The third one is the current one I'm talking to now after I graduate from college and I'm working. With the first counselor, I was never really open with that counselor at all. During that time in my childhood/adolescence, I was going through a very chaotic time. I was still affected by my parents divorce, they were fighting about their custody rights of me in court during that time, I was a very angry person at the time and very emotional. I lived in PR at the time with my dad and my stepmom would stress me out because she was hyper religious. It really affected me and my upbringing. I went to church like three times a week for a significant period of my life. I spent two years going to church all the time. I would literally spend 4-6 hours in church and church activities. It was a bad time for me. Anyways, I believe the court mandated my father to get me a psych evaluation because I was not behaving well. Or I think my dad took me to a counselor after my stepmom suggested that they take me to a psych or counselor. My stepmom is in pediatrics so she’s a doctor. She knows a lot about medicine and health. I don’t remember what was the real reason for bringing me to counseling. They said I was normal and that I didn’t have anything wrong with me because my mom showed me the results of that counseling and told me about them. But from what I remember, I remember that I never told this counselor anything about myself. I mostly stayed silent throughout the sessions. I was mostly upset that my parents divorced and that's what I first told the first counselor. At the time, I did not tell that counselor about what has happened to me in regards to sexual abuse and rape since I was a kid and I just didn't remember this happening at all at the time. Along with these issues of my mom and dad being separated by miles apart. No wonder I’m always forgetting stuff all of this shit how can you keep track of it? I just remember that throughout this period I showed up in court crying in front of a judge and going to counseling and going to school and just being afraid of everyone.
  2. When I started to remember that I was sexually assaulted multiple times by my cousin when I was a kid, I went to the counselor at my university. I only went to that counselor a few years back for like 4-5 times. She then left to take another job somewhere else and I did not feel comfortable talking to a male therapist about sexual abuse. The university only offered ten free sessions, then they would refer me to an actual counselor outside of the university (those greedy motherfuckers). I kind of just stopped going to counseling until now. Anyways, my second counselor told me to confront my cousin about what he did to me and why. Granted, this is difficult to do already because I'm in Alabama and my cousin is in Puerto Rico. I took that message she gave me and kept it on my mind until the time I visited over there a few years ago while I was still in college. I saw my cousin again after a family gathering at this public restaurant. I wanted to hang out with my cousin because I didn't really want to hang out with adults. The cool kids were going to the strip club (lol). I was like thinking, well I've never been to a strip club might as well right? I don’t really go to those places anyways and yolo right? What am I gonna do stay at a restaurant with my dad and the rest of the family and be lame?  Or have fun with the young people my age and watch strippers and drink and listen to loud ass music? I already had fun with my family, I wanted to kinda make my dad think I’m cool and independent and stuff and my thinking I thought that was a good way to show him that I can hold off on my own? I don’t know what I was thinking but I just went along with my cousin and his friends.
  3. So all throughout that night of drinking and my cousin and his friends having fun I was not having fun. I felt awful and miserable throughout the night. The combination of just thinking about what he did to me, being depressed, the alcohol, the setting, the loud music, I was uncomfortable being in the strip club watching girls lap dance on guys. I really wanted to get out of there. All I really wanted to do was confront him like my second counselor suggested to do. I wanted to know why he did it. Damn it, he left me miserable for so long I wanted to know why he did it? Did he love me? Why? Why? Why? I didn’t understand. It ripped me apart for so long. I needed something. I needed to know why. My thoughts were racing while I was in that strip club. I just awkwardly sat somewhere else away from everything until my cousin and his friends came back to me and said we were leaving. I was zoned out. I didn’t want to be there. Since I left my dad and the adults at the restaurant that night, my cousin took me back to my dad’s house. So it was just me and him in the car alone and all I could think about was just trying to even get the courage to confront him and ask him, “Do you remember that time we spent the night at your moms house? Why did you do this to me?”. That’s all I was thinking about. That car ride was very difficult. It was awkward. I was scared. It was nighttime. I just lowered my head down in the passenger seat. I couldn’t even look at him. I really, really, desperately wanted to confront him. During that car ride, he took me to an ATM to get cash out because he needed cash. I realized he was just using me again. I gave him the damn money he wanted, it was like 40 dollars or so. It didn’t really matter since I had a job and worked during this time in college. I just felt awful that he would just ask me for money when I’m here thinking about what he did to me. He didn’t care about me at all. I leaned towards not confronting him there because I thought and felt that it would be really dangerous to do so. He has the car keys. I barely don’t remember the roads in Puerto Rico to the way back home. I’m literally at his mercy. He could drive the car anywhere. He could force me to shut up, he could have done it again. He could have pulled a gun out for all I knew. He could have said to never speak of it. He could have done something to me. My cousin in that car ride became a complete utter stranger to me. He wasn’t the same person I knew before. He used to protect me in elementary school from people who were awful to me. This man, this person, that was driving me back home scared the living hell out of me. Something just wasn’t right. I used to think so highly of him. He used to do martial arts, he had many friends. I wanted to be like him all the time. I wanted to hang out with him all the time when I was little. I really liked spending time with my cousin when I was little. I had the most fun with anyone ever when I was with my cousin. This happened during those times. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I just buried everything. I didn’t bring anything up. I just stayed silent. If he spoke to me during the car ride, I would keep the conversation extremely short and just thanked him for the car ride and that I hoped to see him again once I visited that forsaken island. (I don’t really want to see him again or maybe I do I don’t know. It’s best that I don’t now).  
  4. I’ll never forget that car ride because I always regretted not confronting him afterwards. I never really did confront him at all. I was really depressed afterwards. I couldn’t sleep for days. I was crying myself to sleep for two weeks afterwards. Around this time I spoke with Wilky on the internet during those times. I just cried and cried and what felt worse is that I was in so much pain. I felt incredibly sad and miserable. I felt like a complete monumental failure of a life and person. Nothing made sense at all.  No one was there to help me at all. I guess this is one of the reasons as to why I’m always thinking “Nothing matters anymore. What’s the point? Just take your life and be done with it. No one will care about you. No one will help you. You’re going to get a job like everyone else and be miserable and alone. Just drink yourself to death like everyone else does. No one will care, no one will be there for you. Just wait until you graduate and get a job and move out like everyone in life says to do. Just live life for now until you finally can find the courage to end this miserable life.” I’m too afraid of killing myself, but these are the thoughts I’m always having. Before and after this happened.  
  5. When I told my third counselor that the second counselor said to me to confront him she flipped her shit. She thought it was the worst idea ever. The counselor was on fire and started to mutter stuff like “oh my god” under her breath. She told me it could have destroyed me to confront him. It was really dangerous to do so especially since I only went to the second counselor like four times. She said that it was good that I decided not to confront him, but I never really told her about the circumstances of why I didn’t confront him. I might actually send this letter to her, maybe it will help explain the situation of what happened when I tried to confront him. I didn’t realize how dangerous it was for me to do that. I don’t know what the lesson of this stupid story is. Don’t listen to counselors so closely? I don’t even think this has a message. I am not sure. I am tired of writing and thinking and crying about this as I type on this stupid silly machine.
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