s2e13

spongebob & patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 13 “that 90s show”



(december 28th. patrick in the prison cell)



patrick: (to the guard) you think this is funny? ya want an award for comedic excellence? ok, ill call robin williams and tell him to come down here and name you the funniest person of the year



(the prison guard looks up for a second then goes back to paper work)



patrick: haha i get it, you hate starfish. don’t worry, spongebob will be here to bail me out. even though he’s hates starfish, even though hes best friends with me, the model starfish



(guard continues doing paper work)



patrick: fuck you, you bureaucrat. dumb al gore supporter. you just loveeee seeing me suffer. is this what you tell your kids you do to make them proud? pshh absolutely pathetic.



.......



patrick: if you think i can’t heckle you all night, you are wrong



(the whole crew at blockbuster)



amanda: (walks to spongebob with a box of tapes and they start stocking the shelves) that was some ultimate scum shit patrick pulled



spongebob: yeah, i’ll let that thing rot in that cell for however long they keep him



amanda: still though, i am positive patrick is on drugs



spongebob: whether he is or isn’t, i don’t care. he’s not gonna stay a single night at the pineapple



amanda: well you never know what’s going on with him. you say you want to help him but you just do it by letting him sleep in your house. come on, we’re checking his bag at the house. we’re gonna find drugs



spongebob: okay. whatever you say. i say he’s just stupid and drunk



amanda: and you let him continue that way. you need to knock some sense into him, he isn’t as stable as you or i. sometimes you have to show tough love



sponebob: decent point



(they start walking out)



amanda: chris, shadow, judd nelson stock the tapes



(they leave)



judd nelson: i just realized i kinda work here sometimes.



chris: just keep stocking shelves



shadow: why am i even doing this? im leaving new jersey tomorrow



chris: well, we’re just working



shadow: ya know, i always thought, ya know, whenever i would leave new jersey i thought ya know, that night would be epic. like the town is saying goodbye. but no. nope, everyone is just living their lives and im leaving



judd nelson: ok, if it’s epic you want, let’s go



(as they’re walking out)



chris: benjamin, we’re leaving. do everything



(patrick in the prison)



(the guard doing the cross word puzzle. he looks at the answer sheet)



patrick: hey asshole, i caught you! you cheating prick



(guard carries on)



patrick: ya know, i could totally kick your ass. you’re a scrawny little bitch. you probably voted for clinton, you dick. you’re not even a real cop, you’re just doing the work the real cops don’t want to do



(guard reaches for a cigarette and patrick notices it’s a marlboro light)



patrick: (loudly laughs) oh my neptune, of course you smoke marlboro lights (loudly laughs some more and starts laugh talking) wow you’re actually a woman. you suck can’t even smoke reds or golds (laughter)



(spongebob and amanda at the pineapple looking through the bag)



soongebob: ok...candlebox cassette, gun, a paper back of franny and zooey by jd salinger, mcdonald’s coupons...



amanda: right here (exposes bags of heroin, needles and bottles of pain killers)



(a moment of silence)



amanda: im not gonna say it



spongebob: i am so naïve



amanda: it’s ok



spongebob: what do we do?



amanda: come with me



(shadow, judd nelson and chris at the strip club)



judd nelson: (getting a dance) wooo!!!!



chris: you were right, this is epic



shadow: (awkwardly standing there) this isn’t exactly what i was thinking



judd nelson: ok, just let me go in the back with charlotte



charlene: it’s charlene



judd nelson: yeah uhhh ok yeah let’s go



chris: what is it you were thinking?



shadow: uhh fuck it, lets go down the shore



chris: down the shore? it’s december



shadow: one more time



chris: yep



shadow: have you heard about that y2k thing?



chris: yeah, idiots



shadow: i wonder what the idiot ratio is in arizona. can’t be worse than here



chris: yeah, you’ll be an idiot among shakespearians



shadow: why the fuck are you talking about



chris: i dont know, im not very smart



shadow: still not as dumb as new jersey



(judd nelson comes)



judd nelson: ok where to?



shadow: exit 102 on the garden state parkway south



judd nelson: what?



shadow: asbury park



(patrick on prison)



patrick: how many liberal police desk paper work people does it take to build a bridge? none because they would be doing paper work for the bridge builders (laughs)



(spongebob and amanda at her place)



amanda: this is the place i went to after my semester at montclair state. it’s in huntington, new york. it may be a little pricey, but i know they have a new years discount.



spongebob: i guess i can pull some money out of my ass. im just worried, what if it doesn’t work? patrick has shown nothing but ineptness towards the simplest things



amanda: a lot of addicts have. is patrick strong?



spongebob: you know him...



amanda: was he strong?



spongebob: i guess, in high school and up until last year. he’s been through a bit on his home run trot to 20 years



amanda: some of us fall of out of the winnebago. that’s when a fellow passenger tells the driver to stop and takes you back in. the strongest stay on.



spongebob: let’s get patrick on the winnebago (spongebob dials the phone) first let’s bail him out



(person answers)



phone person: hello, huntington rehab center



(judd nelson, shadow and chris on the board walk in asbury. all drinkin beers)



shadow: this board walk brings up bright time. being 19 years old, not a worry, good friends and good times. i really thought it would last forever



chris: this beach was definitely a backdrop of many special nights



judd nelson: this is my first time here



shadow: this is my last time here....there’s no beach in tucson.



chris: will you ever visit?



shadow: eh no idea.



chris: well maybe after sometime



shadow: yeah. now the goal is to get away. kinda a short term thought but that’s me.



judd nelson: what are you gonna do for a living



shadow: i don’t know, work for a bookstore no one goes to. that’s not important at the moment. now it’s all about the garden state for the last time.



(an over heard shot of them drinking as the beach noise sounds)



(patrick in jail)



patrick: hey guard....guard......guard. guard. guard. guard. guard



guard: what!



patrick: i just wanna say, you’re wife who by the way is an idiot for marrying you is probably fucking the mailman because you’re physically unable to satisfy her (laughs. laugh talking) you’re such an idiot, that’s the 4th time you fell for that!



(the guard gets up and let’s him go)



guard: all right. you’re time is up



patrick: fuckin finally (spits in his face )



(guard grabs him and puts him back in the cell)



guard: enjoy 48 more hours



patrick; wowwwww you’re actually a woman....hell, even a woman wouldn’t be so sensitive over that. are you gonna tell grace and john that when you get home? yeah i know the names your kids cuz i hear all of those boring conversations with your wife and stupid kids who mostly likely don’t respect you, given why you displayed to me these past few days. wait a second, you probably want me here because you think im funny. you’re life is so worthless you wanna keep me in it to keep it some what interesting. i see right through you



(cop comes in)



cop: patrick, you’re friends bailed you out



patrick; ha! i knew it. i knew i had good friends



(in the car)



patrick: thanks guys. what do you say we hit up vicks pub? beer and bar snacks on me. that’s if spongebob let’s me borrow 20 bucks



spongebob: patrick, listen to me. you’re going to rehab, tomorrow morning. after we take shadow to newark



patrick: god i can’t fucking wait until he’s gone. good riddance



spongebob: shut the fuck up and listen to me. you will act civil on the ride and nicely say goodbye. then we’re gonna drive to new york state where you will heal your addiction



patrick: what? im not an addict



amanda: ya want heroin patrick?



patrick: oh my god yes yes yes....i mean no what? i’ve never done it (whispers to amanda) do you actually have some?



spongebob: patrick i heard you....you’re an out of line addict and you’re infect our lives. you’re not taking us down with us. you will go there, grow, learn and heal. then you will come back and live with me until you save up to rent the rock again. i talked to brad and he’s willing to bring down to 300. you can do that. but when you do return, we will keep a close eye on you. as for miles, she’s having that baby. we spoke about it and if you feel you can’t raise a baby or think you’ll be a negative impact on the child you can just butt the fuck out and just pay child support. if you think you’re healed, even if it’s months after you come back and you want to be a father, you will love and care for that baby



patrick: lol im most definitely not do the latter. but i also feel like i don’t need rehab



spongebob: you do and you’re going. it’s currently being paid for.



patrick: ok fine. i bet i can get drugs there. i fucking bet



amanda: do you even know why you’ve caused here with us...you almost killed shadow....



patrick: oh my god. i can’t believe i’m saying this again. he asked me to do it and threatened me with a weapon! self defense! he’s fucking miserable anyhow



spongebob: patrick, no ones more miserable than you



patrick:  (yells) shut the fuck up! ill never be more miserable than that liberal loser! i am cool and that’s what people think. man you guys don’t event know (slowly starts to cry) you guys think it’s sooo easy with your houses and your ability to be responsible. fuck you. awl a yah (cries)



(spongebob pulls over and both him and amanda comfort patrick)



patrick: (crying) i’ve hit rock bottom. it actually happened



amanda: well direct you up the hill



patrick: i’m still not sorry about shadow but im sorry for all i’ve done for you peeps



(shadow, chris and judd nelson outside the pineapple. spongebob amand aand patrick pull through)



spongebob: hey guys



chris: hey patrick’s back



patrick: yep. im off to rehab tomorrow



shadow: wow really?



patrick: yep. i need some sort of guidance. my plan on me waiting for future science to make me immortal aren’t realistic i suppose so this is the next best thing i guess.



judd nelson: good for you pat. howd you guys fund this



patrick: wow nice way to ask a personal question, douche.



spongebob: nah it’s ok. i recently came into some money (smiles at shadow. shadow smiles back)



amanda: well what ever it takes. money is just money



shadow: the root of all evil



spongebob: well, i’ll see y’all at 5 am. first stop newark liberty, then up north



(the squad all outside of newark liberty drop off area)



shadow: (as the crew helps him get the bags shadow notices james gandolfini near him) hey aren’t you that guy in Le Nouveau Monde?



james gandolfini: yeah



shadow: cool



judd nelson: ok, looks like all of it.



shadow: okay. group hug time



(the whole squad hugs as the camera zooms out. a montage of shadow in the gate. boarding the plane and looking out of the window as the plane takes off. the song seattle by jeffery lewis plays)



(in the car)



spongebob: ok. we got quite the drive.



amanda: can we stop at 7/11?



spongebob: yeah. i don’t see why not



(at 7/11. they’re walking in. patrick sees georgie)



patrick: hey georgie! (the crew walks in)



georgie: hey man



patrick: yeah just took that asshole shadow to the airport.



georgie: hey man (takes out a bag of coke) i scores some good stuff, wanna sniff some



(patrick looks at the bag)



patrick: ooohhhhhhhhhhhh (looks over at the 7/11 window and admires chris, spongebob, amanda and judd nelson)............im gonna have to pass. got shit to do



georgie: aight man. see ya later



(the crew driving)



amanda: i just realized this is gonna be one of our last times together.



spongebob: yep. december 29th 1999



chris: holy shit the 90s are over



amanda: wow i didn’t even realize....



patrick: what a decade though



spongebob: yeah actually...the 90s were awesome



chris; it’s still the 90s



amanda: yeah and the zeros....the 2000s the....whatever the fuck were supposed to call this decade will be great.



(they pull up to the rehab center)



patrick: ok. (inhales and exhales) here i go



spongebob: ya guys wanna go out for one last smoke together



amanda: just you guys go. we’ll wait in the car



(spongebob and patrick standing outside smoking)



patrick: i can’t believe im here and i’m in even more awe that you cared enough to take me



spongebob: thank amanda for knocking sense into me.



patrick: this is where the 90s end huh. seems like just yesterday we were 14, i’m larry’s basement smoking weed for the first time while he blasted fuckin red hot chili peppers, nirvana, metallica, slowdive. beautiful times and all of that lead me to where i am now



spongebob: patrick, it doesn’t end here. this is just a really crappy detour on a very poorly paved road with tons of potholes.



patrick: welp. here i go.



spongebob: patrick.



patrick: spongebob



(they hug. the camera fades out. the song contrast and compare by bright eyes plays as it shows a montage of patrick getting settled in rehab as he has an inner monologue. )



patrick monologue: a wise man once said “The acquisition of wealth is no longer the driving force of our lives. We work to better ourselves and the rest of humanity” whatever i have learned in life was to make myself the driving force in everything. as long as i was cool and funny it was okay, even if i was drinking a lot, i still had the charm people liked me for. whatever and however that charm turned into rage and self hate is beyond me by now. the way i consumed myself in my own delusion kept feeling more and more impossible to get out of, get clear from; stop the self lying, the anger and the bitterness and the overall black cloud that  i bring everywhere i go. but it’s not impossible. that same wise man, captain jean-luc picard said that “things are only impossible until they are not” maybe i will fuck up again, maybe the teachers and parents were right, but for it’s all about bettering thy self and the mind. i used to think the inner machinations of my mind were an enigma, but that’s just spilt milk on the kitchen table. i am not gonna pretend im the best person in the room any longer, cuz like lau tzu said “to be better than some is to be worse than all” i now will strive to be the best i can be. and i know i can be better than what i was. i will be better. i can be better. i will not be the starfish stereotype. i will be the starfish model.



(the crew at the pineapple on new year’s eve)



all: 5! 4! 3! 2! 1!



(credits)



(after the credits. text on black screen “spongebob and patrick do high school. coming soon”