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The Vile Beast Of Castle Antorak

chrisbot6 Aug 26th, 2018 98 Never
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  1. A village deals with a small but embarrasing problem.
  2. Important context! This greentext was written for the "holy grail" writing competition on touchfluffytail.org.
  3. If you're not femilliar with Monty Python or British humor, the contents of this text might seem quite strange and unusual to you. That said, if you are, I hope that it still will.
  4.  
  5. >Be me, king
  6. >I mean democratically elected people's representative
  7. >Pending ratification by local authorities
  8. >Walking through field with bag, peasants I mean fellow citizens working hard collecting from the land
  9. >Oh look, there's some lovely filth over here
  10. >I mean chocolate substitute
  11. >Start scooping up dirt from the ground
  12. >"Sir! Sir!"
  13. >Look up
  14. >At the other end of the field there is a dullahan running towards me, but she's still quite far away
  15. >I bend down and collect more of our town's commodity, the famous chocolate substitute
  16. >"Sir!"
  17. >Dullahan is still quite far away.
  18. >Bag is getting quite full now
  19. >"Sir!"
  20. >Look up, Dullahan doesn't look any closer
  21. >I swear I've watched her run across this exact section of land twice already
  22. >Go to seal bag
  23. >"SIR!"
  24. >She slams into me
  25. >Go flying backwards, valuable chocolate substitute flying everywhere
  26. >Begin angrily lecturing her about her use of clasically hierarchal language that has no place in our secular organized collective but she interrupts me
  27. >"SIR, A CREATURE HAS GOTTEN INTO THE CASTLE!"
  28. >"A creature?!" I double take.
  29. >"Yes, it is a terrible thing, sir! It's got these beady eyes and this sharp-"
  30. >I take a third time. "No more, wench!" I quickly say, preparing myself. "Show me to the beast! And you'd best dismount so that I can follow you closely."
  31. >"Aye sir!" She yells back
  32. >Mimes dismounting a horse, passes me two halves of a coconut
  33. >Ah yes, only our finest horse
  34. >I can see that she has been well treated
  35.  
  36. >Arrive at my castle I mean our town's communal workers' hub
  37. >Very gently set down the two halves of coconut in the stable, "Don't worry boy, we'll be back for you soon"
  38. >Such a shame to leave such a magnificent beast idle
  39. >Anubis girl is waiting there. "Well?" She demands. "Where is the man in charge here?"
  40. >"This is him, my lady"
  41. >"What, him? He's covered in shit! Look, I need to see some kind of permit, this is private land-"
  42. >"We will discuss your business in due course!" I tell her. "There is a crisis we must deal with!"
  43. >"Well that's what I'm trying to-"
  44. >"Silence, wench with a posterior of grand size!" I shout, slamming the castle door in her face.
  45. >"What did you just fucking call me?!" Comes her voice as she bangs at the door. "Hey!"
  46. >These diplomats from the north have little patience it seems
  47. >"Show me the beast, by god's name I will strike it down."
  48. >"B-But sir, I thought we were secular-"
  49. >"I WILL ALLY MYSELF WITH ANY DEITY THAT WILL GRANT ME STRENGTH IN THESE TRYING TIMES!" I reply in my most booming of voices that I am told is very good for getting people to listen to me and also children's parties. "NOW SHOW ME THE BEAST."
  50. >"Sir!" She nods, pushing open the doorway to the inner sanctum, where within lies...
  51. >"...Wench?" I crow. "Where is-"
  52. >"There!" She shrieks, as there is a clatter from beyond the pews. "Look upon it! Is it not fearsome, my lord? How did it enter our sanctum?! Look at those eyes-"
  53. >"S-Sorry," I ask, "Behind the pigeon?"
  54. >"It is the pigeon, you fool!" She hisses.
  55. >I stare at the tiny creature for a moment. It notices the two of us and jerks its foot, and into view comes a large coconut with a peice of string tied around its middle. "Brrr," It says. I slowly turn to the dullahan.
  56. >"...You silly SOD!" I cry, giving her an angry shove. "I was terrified! I've soiled my armor I was so afraid! You bring me all the way back here for some, some common bird?!"
  57. >"But sir, it is not a common bird. It is a fowl beast with frightening eyes and a sharp... beak..."
  58. >"I am wowed! A sharp beak? An attribute it only shares with every other endothermic vertebrate of the Awes family, then!"
  59. >"N-No sir, you see-"
  60. >"I see a pigeon!" I hiss. "And not even a big pigeon! Not even a normal sized pigeon! Not even a demipigeon! It is a tiny, pitiful creature! Remove it from my throne room I mean council chamber at once!"
  61. >"But sir-"
  62. >"No, in fact, you are correct. You are not fit to remove a pigeon from a council chamber, you good for nothing knickers for brains! Council chamber guardsman!"
  63. >A lizard girl pokes her head around the corner. "Yes, sir?"
  64. >"Remove this pigeon from our council chambers! Chop its' head off!"
  65. >"Yes sir!" She yelps.
  66. >She runs past us, sword held in the air. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" She screams, running towards the bird. Immediately, it panics, taking off into the air and swinging the coconut behind it.
  67. >"Surrender your life, foul creatur-"
  68. >The coconut smacks into her face at a high speed as the pigeon perfectly dodges her sword swing and executes a perfect physical manover. By the heavens. She has collapsed onto the ground!
  69. >The pigeon looks down at the body from a nearby pew. "Brrr," It hisses. It looks over at us. "Brrr-"
  70. >I slam the door.
  71. >"I told you!" The dullahan shrieks from the floor as her body turns and grabbs me by my throat. "You thought you knew it all, didn't you? You had to go in there, guns blazing, swinging your-"
  72. >"Now wench, settle down. You know very well guns haven't been invented-"
  73. >"Swinging your damn dirty dick around, you damn human! I knew we shouldn't have elected a human leader! I especially knew that we shouldn't have elected the ORIGINAL KING as a leader, but no, no one listens to Agnes! I'm just a background character, aren't I?! I'm just here to move the plot forward and as a central narrative device, am I not? Even my name isn't important, is it? I bet I won't even have any more lines after this sc-"
  74. >"QUIET!" I command in my most booming of voices that I am told is very good for getting people to listen to me and also children's parties. "Obviously, it is time that we call ourselves a professional."
  75.  
  76. >"I'm a professional!" I yell down the phone for the tenth time to the fifth customer support specialist I've been transferred to in as many minuites. "And I need you to send someone down here right now!"
  77. >I'm so lucky to have found this red phone box in the middle of my medieval town
  78. >"Yes, sir, I completely understand," The specialist replies in a soothing sort of voice that only serves to further get on my nerves. "So let me get this straight-"
  79. >I groan. "I want two of your people to come to the town gates, and I want them to stay with the guard there until I come to collect them at four."
  80. >"Understood, sir. You want us to send someone to come to the town gates and guard them until someone comes."
  81. >"N...No. Listen again. I want you to send two people, TWO, to the gates of the town, and I want you to wait with the guards and not leave until I come to collect you at four o' clock. Afternoon."
  82. >"You want me to come? I'm no specialist sir-"
  83. >"NO, YOU... Oh, bother. Look, just send two people-"
  84. >"Two people to wait at the town gates, sir."
  85. >"Yes, fantastic-"
  86. >"And not leave, sir?"
  87. >"Until I come to collect them."
  88. >"So they, all three of them, need to stay there until the gate guard comes to collect them at two?"
  89. >"N... no, NO, where did the third person come from?"
  90. >"Mr. Call Center Worker doesn't think he can answer that question, sir."
  91. >"Look." I growl. "Just stay at the gate until I come to get you. Two people."
  92. >"Understood perfectly, sir. Wait at the gate until two people come to collect us."
  93. >"Look, can I speak to your manager?"
  94. >"I am the manager, sir. I manage the whole region."
  95. >"Well is there not someone more senior who you can put on?"
  96. >The call center worker shrugs. I shudder. "Don't do that again." I say.
  97. >"Do what, sir?"
  98. >"Shrug at me through the phone line. I felt that right against my ear. Now listen - who do you answer to?"
  99. >"I mean, I'm in charge, sir. So, really, only god."
  100. >I think to myself for a moment, then shrug. "Alright, put him on then."
  101. >"Hey, no need to get physical." The regional manager says. "Putting you through now."
  102. >A moment later, the line goes dead. There's an overwhelming boom of thunder as the phone box is blown apart around me, leaving me stunned and cowering as above me, the clouds open. As blinding light fills my vision, a face appears above me.
  103. >"SO IF I'M UNDERSTANDING CORRECTLY... YOU NEED FOUR PEOPLE TO WAIT AT THE GATE AT TWO UNTIL THREE PEOPLE COME TO GET THEM?"
  104. >I slap myself. "...No." I say. "I need your people to wait at the gate, at four, so that I, me, no one else, can come and collect them! Bring everything you need, we can't provide any equipment."
  105. >"I UNDERSTAND." The voice booms, as people around me stare up in awe. "THEY WILL ALL BE WAITING THERE AT FOUR."
  106. >I open my mouth to ask who "they all" are, but the face is gone. Slowly, the clouds close.
  107. >Good enough, I decide
  108.  
  109. >I reach the council chamber in a hurry and quickly call a meeting of my personal advisors I mean the people's advocates
  110. >"Comrades!" I shout, raising my hands into the air and sending peices of filth flying in every direction. "We find ourselves threatened by a dangerous and impulsive beast, a creature that now dwells inside this very fortress!"
  111. >The four people in the room are shocked. "Sir!", Liz the wolf girl shouts. "Do not speak of yourself in this way! You may be crass, and unuseful, and... could smell better, I admit, but you WILL learn to rule better, I am sure! If we just start by selling the harvested earths as the rare earths that they are, and not as chocolate substitute, we could be-"
  112. >"SILENCE!" I scream. "I MEANT THE BEAST IN THE INNER SANCTUM! THE PIGEON!"
  113. >"The pigeon?" Amber the harpy tilts her head. "Has she made a nest in there? Impossible. I have marked that room myself." She sniffs. "Speaking of, sir, have you changed your armor recently?"
  114. >"Not a pigeon woman," I snap. "A normal pigeon. And you will clean that floor once we have sorted this mess, mark my words." I turn to the congregation. "We ARE responsible, all of us, for ensuring the continued growth of this kingdom. My father was not a man that gave up! They told him he could never build a castle on a marsh, but he still did it! And it sank. But the second time he built it, it only fell over onto its side! And then sank. So he tried again, this time with new materials, and of course it went even worse but after that... This..." I count on my fingers for a moment.
  115. >Carefully, I remove a casio pocket calculator from a nearby rack of fine wines.
  116. >Let's just put these numbers in here
  117. >...
  118. >"This sixty-third castle!" I state, throwing the calculator over my shoulder, "Stands due to his perseverence! A man who built a whole kingdom from nothing, who started with only sixty crowns to his name and only through perseverence and hard work was able to turn that small pittance into a sixty-three crown fortune! We will not let him dow-"
  119. >Behind me, there's a knock at the main entrance door.
  120. >"Stop interrupting me!" I bellow. "Who's there?!"
  121. >"Burgular." A voice says.
  122. >I angrily crack open the door. "Yes?" I ask, looking the danuki up and down.
  123. >"Burgular, sir!"
  124. >"What do you want?"
  125. >"I want to come in and steal a few things, sir!" She states, giving me a polite nod.
  126. >I glare at her for a moment. "Are you a textile merchant?" I ask.
  127. >She shakes her head. "No, sir, I'm a burgular!" She assures me. "I burgle people."
  128. >"I think you're a textile merchant."
  129. >"No I'm not!" She says quickly. "Open the door and let me in, please."
  130. >"If I let you in you'll try and sell me textiles." I accuse, trying to close the door as she pushes her foot into the gap.
  131. >"I won't, sir, I assure you. I just want to come in, ransack the castle... honestly?" She gives me the doe eyes.
  132. >I glare at her. "Promise? No textiles?"
  133. >"None at all!" She laughs. "You can trust me!"
  134. >"Fine." I shrug, opening the door.
  135. >"Mind you," she says, looking around. "I don't know if you've considered the advantages of owning a really fine, modern set of textiles-"
  136. >"YOU ARE A TEXTILE MERCHANT!" I and the people's advocates shout in unison.
  137. >She shrugs. "And who could blame me?" She asks, as several henchmen file into the room behind her. "There are so many fine dwellings in need of a little color..."
  138. >"Owning a textile..." One of the french henchmen agrees - "It is like making love to a beautiful woman. Pure satisfaction. Yonne Vin Goune at your service."
  139. >"Enough!" I yell. An idea occurs. "You gentleman expect me to listen to your drivel? Fine. But you must pass a test." I show them to the inner sanctum door.
  140. >"Passing a test, this also is like making love to a beautiful woman-" Yonne starts, but I push the door open before he finishes.
  141. >Immediately, the pigeon leaps from the room, swinging the coconut behind it.
  142. >"IT'S LOOSE!" I scream. "RETREAT!"
  143. >The pidgeon flies straight at the merchant before she even knows what's going on, quickly changing direction above her head as the coconut swings around.
  144. >KO
  145. >"Really?!" Liz demands. "It's obviously just scared and confused! Look, it's laiden-"
  146. >One of the merchants charges. Immediately, the pigeon swoops, its beak open wide. There's a sickening sound, and said merchant is suddenly left without an arm. "BRRRRRRRRR," It howls.
  147. >"A flesh wound!" Yonne screams, as Liz yelps with fright. "Regroup, men!"
  148. >I step quickly into the corner and flip a table, shoving Liz over the top of it. Amber, in sheer panic, finds her way over to us, as do the others. And for good reason.
  149. >The softer parts of the merchant troupe's bodies are begining to fly through the air
  150. >One merchant tries to squash the bird under a rolled up textile, but it gets caught in the string attached to the coconut and he's quickly spun around until he loses his balance - at which point he whacks his head off a table.
  151. >Another tries to capture it in his arms, which somehow leads to him losing his windpipe. The bird is agressive.
  152. >"Sir." Liz whispers, tapping me on the shoulder. "These are unlaiden speeds. This animal, it is truly a miracle..."
  153. >I ignore her, busy pushing a body back over the top of our makeshift cover. Another one down. That leaves Yonne and two others. Yonne, who is unrolling a textile and passing it to one of the other survivours. Yes. Teamwork.
  154. >If this works, I'll buy all of those textiles for sure
  155. >The third merchant sneaks around the back. "Pidgeon!" He yells. "I spit my fermented juices in your general direction! HAIIIIII," - His eyes pass under the bird's claws and the effect is not unlike a bag of jam being thrown in front of a twirling razor blade. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
  156. >"Maintaining a textile," Yonne whispers, the tearing of a fellow merchant's expensive garb bringing a tear to his eye as he gathers his courage - "Is like making love to a beautiful woman. Ze best way to keep it looking pretty for your friends is to beat it regularly. NOW!"
  157. >He charges, the two of them wrapping the bird with the cloth.
  158. >For a moment, it works. Then, suddenly, the textile explodes into a cloud of scraps and Yonne screams as the pidgeon flies into him. Moments later, his entire body is split in two, his torso flying through the air. The other merchant flees, but runs into a wall and drops like a sack of potatoes, knocking the inner sanctum door closed just as the beast flies back through it.
  159. >"I'm not sure I liked that last joke," Amber mutters.
  160. >"I don't believe it." Liz whispers. "They're all dead."
  161. >"N-no, no, not quite." The last merchant says. "I'm alive."
  162. >"They've been mortally wounded." I say.
  163. >"No, no..." Another voice chimes in. "I think I might pull through."
  164. >There's a moment of awkwardness. Wordlessly, I nod at Liz. She shakes her head, saying a short prayer as she places a hand on her chestplate.
  165. >Then, she pulls out a .44 magnum and shoots the surviving merchant in the head.
  166. >It looks like I may be in need of specialist help after all
  167.  
  168. >Perhaps a visit to the tavern could help
  169. >Carefully, I step through the raised window of the tavern's slightly open screen door, placing my helmet on one of the provided hooks
  170. >It's every man for himself at the tavern, and I have to watch out for shifty characters.
  171. >Truly, this is the cesspool of our society. The lowest of the low. Perhaps my beast slayer is here. I can only hope.
  172. >Already, there's two people fighting as I enter. One man is engulfed in flames. He's winning.
  173. >Meanwhile, on my left, a blue Oni is hit by a falling shelf. She didn't hear me say watch out for the shelf. Because I didn't say anything.
  174. >Someone makes the mistake of leaning against the rear wall of the establishment. It falls over.
  175. >I approach the bartender. "Can I just get a glass of water, please?"
  176. >"We don't have any drinkable water and we don't have any glass." She replies, polishing a tankard with her tail bulb.
  177. >"Well what do you have?" I ask.
  178. >"Beer. Wine. And rat's milk."
  179. >"I'll have the rat's milk, if you don't mind."
  180. >"Certainly, sir. Unleaded?"
  181. >"Leaded." I assure her. "I've always thought the alternative tastes rather strange."
  182. >"Understandable." She nods. "I'm a leaded woman myself." She gives me a smile. One of her teeth falls out. "Ignore that~"
  183. >Holding the drink in one hand, I nervously approach a table full of gambling fawn and set my milk down. "Good morrow, ladies." I state. "Who's winning?"
  184. >"Winning? You're looking for winning, are you?" One of them says.
  185. >"Aye, I think she's upstairs." Another replies.
  186. >"What?"
  187. >"So you DO know where winning is."
  188. >"Um," I say quickly as the situation starts to esculate, "It's a nice day, isn't it?"
  189. >One of the women leaps up, staring at me.
  190. >"I KNEW IT." Another screams, pulling out a knife. "PAULA ANASADAY."
  191. >"No, no!" I yell. "Ladies, I'm just trying to make small talk."
  192. >The woman with the knife slowly turns towards me.
  193. >"I'll never talk," She hisses, as the other women turn to look at her. "Never!" Rapidly, she turns and flees, throwing herself at the tavern's front window, which is of course not there because glass hasn't been invented yet. The lack of an impact sends her into such a visible shock that she forgets to correct her posture for impact with the ground, and ends up landing on her face. She does not get back up.
  194. >"NO!" Anasaday screams at me. "SMALL! SHE WAS EVERYTHING I HAD!"
  195. >"Somebody need me?" A voice behind me says. "Paula Everythinahad."
  196. >"Paula Winning, someone needed me?" Comes a voice from the stairs. "Just got done with Jessie-"
  197. >"Okay!" I say. "You've all got very confusing last names, I get it-"
  198. >"Paula Ageddit." An oni behind me says. "Someone call?"
  199. >I sigh. "Alright, I think I get the idea." I say. "Is anyone here NOT called Paula?"
  200. >Silence. I hear shuffling upstairs.
  201. >"Typical. Nobody in this town talks to one another. Look-" I slap the table with my hand, and it snaps in half because it's made of polystyrene. "LOOK." I yell again, as the girls all look down at their spilled drinks and wet cards - "You can't all keep calling one another by your last names. It's chaos. At least say Paula before it so you know-"
  202. >"Paula Beforent, someone said my name? I was out back. Oh, damn, another table's gone-!"
  203. >"SO YOU KNOW," I cut in, "That someone is trying to say your name and not just, you know, TALKING."
  204. >Paula Winning shakes her head. "That's gonna be a real a pain in the ass, Mr. Anon."
  205. >"Yeah," Someone agrees. "I don't even know most of these gals' first names-"
  206. >"Look, I'm the people's representative!" I storm. "If I say do it, you do it!"
  207. >"That's not very fair." Paula says.
  208. >"It is for the good of the community." I reply.
  209. >"Well, I'm the community and I'm not interested." Another Paula says.
  210. >"Yeah!" Paula agrees.
  211. >I shake my head. "That's always the way with you people, isn't it?!"
  212. >"Hey, we was doing fine before you came along!" Someone accuses. Probably another Paula.
  213. >"Jessie Eucamalong is up here!" A female voice calls from upstairs as you hear shuffling. "Don't make me slither down there. Somebody want extra pie? You better put your orders in soon, because without that east wall it's gonna get COLD!"
  214. >"This is a lost cause." I mutter, angrily walking around the front wall to avoid the burning men fighting in the doorway.
  215. >As I'm leaving I realise I've forgotten my helmet
  216. >End up reaching through the window to get it off the hook
  217.  
  218. >One last ditch effort
  219. >Those specialists are expensive
  220. >But the mountain is tall and progress is slow.
  221. >I've been walking for miles and miles, I don't recognise the landscape around I
  222. >"If only I had some kind of two wheeled form of primitive human propelled transportation..." I mutter to myself. "God, answer my prayer. Grant me haste. Please."
  223. >"But didn't you say you were secula-"
  224. >"Leave me, priest!" I command, turning to the man of the cloth. "I had you acompany me for the purposes of moral support, and no more! Unless you have useful knowledge..."
  225. >He shakes his head. "Child... one does not simply ask the lord for a bicycle. For that is not how god works."
  226. >"Then show me, old father--" I implore as he comes to a stop behind me. "Become my teacher. If it is the only way, then you must impress upon me the church's wisdom. Make haste!"
  227. >"Very well," He whispers, his face set as he throws his arm into the road in front of a passing cyclist. As the cyclist is sent sprawling in front of an oncoming bus, he snatches the bike from the road and begins to run towards me at great speed. "Forgive me, god!" He cries.
  228. >The mountain is tall, but progress has become fast.
  229. >We've almost reached her. The dragon.
  230. >"Sir!" The priest complains, "I tire!"
  231. >"Doth thou even hoist?!" I demand, wiping my face. "I have made my share of effort."
  232. >"You could have changed your armor."
  233. >"Silence." I demand. "Save your breath for what's to come. Look."
  234. >"My apologies, sir. We are here."
  235. >We abandon the bicycle and blink at the smoky entrance to the cave.
  236. >As I enter, I hear voices around us.
  237. >"They've obviously got no permit. I thought they a bunch of larpers, but not one of them will break character! It's chaos down there! People are going to get hurt. We need to do something."
  238. >"Do you hear that?"
  239. >The two of us freeze as she speaks.
  240. >"That, Isis, is the sound of all the fucks I give. LISTEN TO THEM ALL."
  241. >"What does that even mean- Look, there's something wrong down there. I can feel it. Someone set up a geas, or mass hypnotism, or SOMETHING. They're in people's fields collecting cow shit off the ground!"
  242. >"You're their elected representative. It's your job to fix what we both know was probably something to do with your little experiments in the first place. Why have you come to me?"
  243. >"Look, I promise you I didn't do anything. And everyone comes to you, Amari!"
  244. >"And it is very, very tiresome." The Anubis tries to cut in. "No, YOU listen-"
  245. >I attempt to climb one of the piles of gold in front of me. The dragon's arguments fall quiet.
  246. >"Who did you bring with you?"
  247. >"Nobody."
  248. >There's a pause. I stiffen, but the pile continues to shift under my weight. This was a bad plan.
  249. >"Okay, just so you know, whoever you are-" The dragon says, quite loudly. "I can have this entire cave heated up to three hundred degrees celcius in under a second if I feel like doing so. And I am currently getting such a feeling. So if any unwanted presences would like to announce themselves-"
  250. >"Stay thine hand, dragon!" I yell. "I am your humble visitor. I come to ask you aid in a simple quest."
  251. >There's a shifting of air, then the pile underneath me shudders suddenly. In front of me, an attractive, horned female rises from the pile, staring at me and the preist as if we are the abominations. "How simple?" She asks.
  252. >"We need you to deal with a beast that continues to confound our attempts to remove it from our place of dwelling." I say, "A small but efficient predator that continues to vex... Please stop laughing, beast."
  253. >"I can't help myself. This medieval knight larping cracks me up. I love it. What did you want?"
  254. >I feel crestfallen, and part of me seems to change slightly for a moment as I mutter, "I need some help getting rid of a pigeon."
  255. >"A pigeon?" She asks. "So an animal control issue then? Have you called Bamboozle A Beast Limited?"
  256. >"They can't make it until tommorow."
  257. >"Can't they." She muses.
  258. >"Go ahead." I whisper. "Laugh."
  259. >"No, I completely sympathise. I don't think most people realise how difficult those little bastards are to get rid of. Sure I'll help you, knight."
  260. >"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Screams the anubis behind her. "YOU'RE GOING TO GO JOIN IN?! HAVE YOU LISTENED TO ANYTHING-"
  261. >The dragon is looking at her in this weird way.
  262. >I don't like that look. I would shut up too if someone looked at me like that.
  263. >"Let's go," She hisses.
  264.  
  265. >Arrive at my I mean the people's town
  266. >As I approach the clearing I realise something is there
  267. >Something wonderous beyond imagination
  268. >I cannot beleive my eyes. She's half horse, half human, with two horns and a warm smile that does nothing but beget tender love. A bicorn.
  269. >Her coat is such pure white that it makes the snow around us look grey. "Good morrow, sir Anon," She whispers, as I nod, awestruck - "I've been searching for you for such a long-"
  270. >BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG CLICK CLICK
  271. >With shaking hands, I reload the .44; ignoring the surprised yelp from the dragon behind me, I keep firing
  272. >BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG CLICK
  273. >Silence
  274. >"We're safe," I say quickly, watching the body carefully. "For now. Come, we must keep moving. Before more arrive."
  275. >The priest nods solemnly, quickly saying a prayer in an attempt to ward off further demons as he joins me. The dragon stays for a moment, observing the carcass of the beast. She says something, waving her hand. Then, wordlessly, she follows.
  276.  
  277. >As we reach the town, I see a platform has been constructed in the town square.
  278. >Seeing us arrive, one of the preists sitting nearby quickly gets onto the platform. "My leige," he states, quickly. "Please, allow us humble men of the cloth to bless your quest; I see that you have great fear for what is to come."
  279. >I nod. "Very well." I say. "You may begin."
  280. >The holy man nods, carefully opening his book to a meticulously chosen passage. "We are hard pressed," He begins, "On every side, but not cruh... crussed. Crushed. We are per... pair... plu..." He stares at the book for a moment. "Purple... Pe-"
  281. >Another man carefully climbs onto the stage and slowly takes the book from him. "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed," He reads quickly. "Perplexed, but not in despair. Pers... Persuceted? Persecuted, no, persecuted-" He stammers as more men climb onto stage, "But not aban... abarnd..."
  282. >"Abandoned." The man reading over his shoulder states. "Struck down, but not des... destrayed?"
  283. >"Destroyed?" One of them suggests.
  284. >"Is it? Des... destrayed. It says destrayed."
  285. >Another man climbs up, gesticulating wildly. The first priest shrugs. He snateches the book. "Look here." He says, adjusting his bishop's robe. "Since we have that... wait, no..."
  286. >"No, that's right." Someone at the back says. "That's what it says."
  287. >"It is writt..."
  288. >"Written, written." The other men add quickly.
  289. >"Writ-ten that I be, bel-eved. Bell evved?"
  290. >"Beleived!" Comes a female voice from the back again, as a small goat girl climbs onto one of the preists' shoulders and grabs at the book. "It says beleived!"
  291. >"Get on with it!" Someone in the crowd shouts.
  292. >"There... fore," The men struggle, "I ha...vv, have spoke... spoken, since... we have tho, that, same spi... speeret, spart? Sp...sport?"
  293. >"Spirit!" Someone in the middle yells. The other priests are stunned, but nod-
  294. >"Yes, get on with it!" I yell.
  295. >"GET ON WITH IT!" The crowd agrees.
  296. >"Spirit of fuh... fai... faff? Faith--! We all so, also, also bele- bee leaf-- belieive, and therefur... the- thear." The men concentrate. "Oh, that's a long one." The first priest groans.
  297. >A cheshire carrying a large, painted swan climbs carefully onto the stage. "Ther... thurfere? Fuh-"
  298. >"Thurfore!" Someone says. "Therefore!"
  299. >"THEREFORE!" They all cheer, "And therefore speak, be... becu"
  300. >"Because! Big elephants can't always use small exits," Someone says quickly.
  301. >"No, that's not what it says, it's nothing to do with elephants-" The cheshire says.
  302. >"Isn't it?" Someone at the back asks. "How do you know-"
  303. >"Buh... bic, becaah- becus-"
  304. >Quite suddenly, the platform collapses. Of course, it wasn't very sudden for me, because I kicked one of the legs out from underneath it. "Come on, dragon!" I call, as nearly forty people fall into the panicked crowd. "We must make haste!"
  305.  
  306. >In my throne room
  307. >I mean democratic council chamber.
  308. >"Is this the beast?" The dragon asks, pointing to the pidgeon that is staring us down from the other side of the room.
  309. >I nod.
  310. >Dragon begins to buff herself, then, suddenly, charges at twice the speed of sound towards the pidgeon
  311. >But the pidgeon moves faster
  312. >It pinwheels and turns, ducks and dives, and leaps around the flailing, twisting dragon as she tries to capture it in her claws. Suddenly, the two jump apart, sliding to a stop at either side of the room.
  313. >"Die, pigeon," The dragon whispers manacingly.
  314. >"Brrrr," The pidgeon replies, with equal menace.
  315. >The two of them leap towards each other again, perfectly matched in power and ferotown
  316. >Their bodies fly left and right across the room, leaving lines of after images as they slice the air and furnature between them apart. I shake my head, unable to tear my eyes away. Two of the world's most perfect killing machines are destroying my council chamber.
  317. >I watch as the fight continues.
  318. >And continues.
  319. >Liz taps me on the shoulder. "This isn't going to stop, is it?" She asks. I shake my head.
  320. >Carefully, I close the door.
  321.  
  322. >The next day
  323. >I couldn't sleep because of the noise from the throne room I MEAN COUNCIL CHAMBER
  324. >"Sir, there's a lot of people at the town gates," Amber squeaks as I'm only just waking up.
  325. >"What?" I ask. "Send them here-"
  326. >"They say they're waiting for you to come and get them."
  327. >I groan.
  328.  
  329. >It's a truly amazing sight.
  330. >Rows and rows of desks and cubicles are set up in the clearing outside my town, white collar workers dashing around, most of them taking phone calls. "So let me get this straight," One of them says, loud enough for you to hear - "You need me and the boys from security to come twice at four and bring food for the ducks. Alright, certainly. No, I'm just checking. There's been a bit of confusion recently, you know..."
  331. >In front of them, a troop of men dressed in strange, protective garb with air tanks on their back march by.
  332. >To your right, tables are set up with catered food services. Some manticores are playing a strange version of beer pong. One fires a ball from her tail into one of several lined up cups. Everyone there cheers.
  333. >"Sir!" A well dressed man remarks, turning to shake my hand as the rest of them notice me. "Your highness. Our people are at your service."
  334. >"I- think there's been a SMALL mix up-" I try to say, moving into his path as he goes to enter the town. He just steps around me. As does the entirety of Bamboozle A Beast Limited.
  335. >"Set up a perimiter, men!" Someone calls.
  336. >"YESSIR!" Several hundred people in cameo gear call, all taking positions around my castle as I move to stand by their leader.
  337. >"Look," I say, "I really think there's-"
  338. >"SHHHHHH," He hisses. "It is imperative we work undisturbed!"
  339. >Out of the corner of the eye I see several Paulas being kicked out of the tavern one by one. I'm fairly sure I see the same cheshire get kicked out five times. Eventually, an uneasy silence falls over the town square, broken only by the banging and shattering of furnature from the castle.
  340. >"Excelent, captain." The general says to one of the other soldiers as he gives the scene a confused look with a pair of binoculars. "You have already occupied its mind and filled its world with smoke and madness. Now it seems we play the waiting game."
  341. >"Actually, sir, we haven't moved in yet. Is that a dragon?"
  342. >They look at one another, then at me. I shrug. "She wanted to try and get rid of it," I say.
  343. >"Bad plan, my son." The general adminishes me. "Now you have two times the problem you had before. You remind me of my mother, she swallowed a fly. So she swallowed a spider to catch the fly, but then-"
  344. >"Sir," The captain stammers. "They're-"
  345. >There's an almighty crash as the dragon and the pigeon are finally removed from my council chamber, along with many crowns worth of priceless stained glass. Locked in a deadly struggle, they pinwheel around the town, flying in all directions as they crash through someone's house, then the bar; which folds over and collapses into a heap of cardboard as several soldiers plunge from its rooftop.
  346. >"SIR!" The captian yells. "CASUALTIES-"
  347. >"BY JOVE, GET ON WITH IT!"
  348. >"YES," Several of the soldiers shout, "GET ON WITH IT!"
  349. >"GET ON WITH IT!" Cry the townspeople.
  350. >"READY, MEN?" The captain calls.
  351. >"READY!" The gathered soldiers reply.
  352. >"ON THREE-" The general screams. "ONE, TWO, THREE-"
  353. >Three soldiers suddenly leap into the paths of the dragon and pidgeon. As both beasts freeze, the three soldiers begin to bob up and down in time as behind me, new age harmonica music plays.
  354. >"Hi, I'm Sage"
  355. >"I'm Courage"
  356. >"I'm Beige"
  357. >"Here's a story that is rather strange,"
  358. >"WHAT DO WE DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR?" Call a group of soldiers behind us.
  359. >"Pack it in and off with you," The three men reply,
  360. >"WHAT DO WE DO WITH A DRUNKEN SAILOR?"
  361. >"Jingle bells and cheer to you."
  362. >"JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY!"
  363. >A trash can slides into view as me and the general watch, wordlessly. "My wife left me no oil and mud so I'll bake my cakes this way!" Yells a voice from inside.
  364. >"Never show them how you feel, never see this way--" The man call as a boxer climbs out of the trash can and fireworks go off behind us.
  365. >"And I'll show you another day how I can trip this way," The boxer growls, as a large, muscular man approaches him from the other side of the courtyard. Immediately, drums play behind them as they start screeching at one another, alternating between circling one another with their fists raised and slapping one another with their arms. As we watch, one man's clothes change so that he is dressed as a butler. The other one's garb changes to that of a builder. The first man gets a knight's armor, but then the second man gets a full soldier's uniform complete with pink cameo. I watch as they both grab their guns by the barrels and start swinging at one another, before suddenly, they transform into boxers again. Meanwhile, frenchmen begin to climb out of the bin.
  366. >"Galeleio," one calls.
  367. >"Yes, dear?" Another replies.
  368. >"Galeleio, galeleio, you will not let me go-"
  369. >"I just don't think that girl's right for you, dear-" Calls an old woman as she shuffles into view.
  370. >"No mother, no mother, she will not let me tell you... know youuuuuuuuuuu.... AAaaaAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIYAAaaaaHaaaaHAAAAAAAaaaa. AaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaa.... HaaaaaaHAAAAAaaaaaAAAA..."
  371. >The dragon and the pigeon are sitting on the ground, dumbfounded as twelve men break into song, dancing in a circle - "Let me know, let me goooooooooOOOOOOO-" they shriek, taking turns to do backflips as more trash cans slide past me and begin to circle them - "When you know... That you knooooowwww..."
  372. >Two men skate into view, and the drums start again as they begin to joist, scattering the opera dancers. High impact high pitched harmonica music starts up again as they circle, the song swelling and falling as the trash cans try to ram each man off balance, first softly, then hard.
  373. >"Albatross!" Someone calls. "Albatross!"
  374. >"Let me go, let me go, let me goooooooooOOOOOOO-"
  375. >Men begin to pull doves out of their pants, throwing them at each other again and again. Before long, the whole town is filled with doves. "AND IIIIIIII- ALBATROSS..." A man screams, rollerskating around the boxers, "KNOW THAT IIIIIII- ALBATROSS..."
  376. >Bright blue and pink spotlights fill the area as cheerleaders run in and start fighting dirty, one decking another in the back of the neck as another slams a foot into her crotch. "TELL THAT YOUUUUUU-" The captain cries, as the boxers stop throwing punches and start pecking at each other like birds, with more and more boxers climbing from the trash cans around them to do the same.
  377. >"ON THE STAIRS," The crowds of men call, "IN MY EEEEYES, KNOW THAT THEY MEAN-"
  378. >"Rotate." Someone calls, and several men fall over. "Rotate," Someone calls again, and the men stand on their heads. People begin to walk around on their hands, and the drums start up once more as a man with rollerblades and a microphone skates into the ring. "Welcome back guys it's an exiting day for-"
  379. >"SUCK ME," One soldier screams as she launches upturned her crotch into the man's face. "FILL ME WITH YOUR MUSCULAR TEETH-"
  380. >"Muscular teeth, mus-cu-lar-teeeeeeeth...." The men sing,
  381. >"And you knooooooooow.... THAT I KNOOOOOW-" They begin to skip in circles, throwing wooden ducks in all directions. "THAT I'VE FINAL-LY DONE IT, I'VE FINALLY CRACKED IT," A table is wheeled by at impressive speed as the men sing, three Oni eating beans as they flash gang signs at their audience and as a chairleader's limp body passes over the top of their table - "I'VE FINALLY, FINALLLLYYYYYyyyyyy..."
  382. >"BAMBOOZLE, BAMBOOooooooooOOOOZEEEEEEeeeEEEEEED YoOOOOOOOOuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU."
  383. >A shrill harmonica chord rings out and the men fall silent. "Now," The captain mutters, coming to stand by me and the general - "We can only wait... and hope that it worked."
  384.  
  385. >The dragon and the pigeon haven't moved. Both are frozen. Finally, the dragon speaks.
  386. >"Meow?" She says, crawling towards the pigeon. The pigeon looks over at her in shock. Then, suddenly, its head explodes. Feathers fly into the air, as the soldiers begin to cheer, patting themselves on the back and throwing confetti into the air.
  387. >"ANOTHER JOB WELL DONE, MEN!" The general roars as I sigh in releif.
  388. >Finally, it's over. I turn back to the castle, but I'm cut off by a police van rapidly slamming into it, knocking the huge paper mache model onto its side as the anubis leaps out.
  389. >"THERE HE IS!" She screams. "HE'S THE ONE! ALL OF THESE PEOPLE TOO!"
  390. >"Right then, you're nicked." A bulky hellhound growls, snapping handcuffs onto my wrists and leading me towards the van as an army of uniformed officers begins to raid the village.
  391. >"Fucking brainwashed larpers, every year this happens. Did you figure out where she put the geas this time, then-?"
  392. >"Yes, these guys were just starting to come off it but the people up at Dalston are still boarded up in that castle. I don't know where from, but they got hold of some hot tar-"
  393. >"MI Alpha One, we've found firearms again, advise? Medical team brav- Oh, pull the other one, Isis."
  394. >"Copy that, special team three. Hey, you. You. Stop filming." A furry black paw reaches forward to obscure the camera. "Turn that off. HEY, NOW. Come on, I've had a shit day, be sensib-"
  395.  
  396. The end
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