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RGRE prompt collection 03

Uh-hmmm Nov 3rd, 2017 (edited) 6,101 Never
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  1. >after being transported to equestria and judge to be a non threat to the state 
  2. >he is given citizenship and eventually works as a [insert job here]
  3. >but he's alone in equestria
  4. >he cant really relate to the stallions, them just being women with dicks
  5. traps are gay 
  6. >the mares see him just see him as another dick to ride
  7. >no matter how 'marely' he himself behaves
  8. >he cant seem to have an honest friendship with either gender
  9. >until he met the, figuratively speaking, 'unicorns' of pony society
  10. >nerdy and unherded stallions
  11. >3 stallions so awkward and sheltered they can't speak or even look at a mare without feeling nervous
  12. >especially after all those stories their over protective parents told them
  14. >in comes anon
  15. >he recognized that they weren't mares in the hobby shop he was browsing in
  16. >he immediately saw through their 'clever' disguises of overcoats, sunhats and sunglasses 
  17. >anon frequents it enough and turned down so many mares that nopony really bats an eye
  18. >but for THREE stallions to come in a hobby shop is riot waiting to happen
  19. >they talk it out and eventually anon joins their O&O group
  20. >anon is just happy that he found some non prissy (but still rather cowardly) male friends that he could relate to
  27. >Twilight's family is finally meeting her coltfriend, Anonymous.
  28. >They're a bit intrigued, given how vague she always was with details in letters/conversations.
  29. >Shining is preparing himself to give the "big brother" speech, while Cadence is fascinated by who could've captured Twilight's heart so readily.
  30. >Night Light is happy that they'll be another stallion around that'd tolerate his daughter's eccentricities.
  31. >And then they meet him.
  32. >Suddenly, Shining is feeling just a *little* apprehensive of trying to intimidate a six foot, magically-immune ape.
  33. >Especially one who fondly reminisces about punching the shit out of Villains of the Week.
  34. Starlight still drops a shit on the floor when he prowls around
  37. >Anon unintentionally has horror movie trope powers.
  38. >Like silently looming up behind ponies.
  39. >It doesn't help his image.
  40. >He has no idea why ponies are so skittish around him
  46. >Rarity shows her love via expensive gifts and pampering Anon.
  47. >But this was the only way she understood to woo a colt, and she's afraid if the money train ever runs out that he'll leave.
  48. >And the boutique has had an especially rough season lately, finances are getting tight.
  49. >But she feels like she has to keep up the illusion that everything is fine.
  50. >It's times like this that she wonders if being mono is worth it, if she had a herd sister or two, it would take the pressure off a bit.
  52. >After straining her purse even more in an effort to pretend nothing is wrong, Anon realizes that something is amiss.
  53. >He doesn't know what, but Rarity knows he suspects something.
  54. >She does not sleep well that night.
  55. >She pulls him closer in the darkness, holds on tighter, fearing that soon he will disappear
  62. >Anon has a poltergeist, but no pony believes him.
  63. >They say he's just being a silly colt, jumping at shadows.
  64. >This is why he needs a heard, to make him feel more secure.
  65. >Anon ignores them though.
  66. >He knows something supernatural is going on.
  67. >At first, he finds his underwear drawer constantly rifled through.
  68. >His boxers tossed haphazardly on the ground.
  69. >Sometimes, there's even wet spots on the groin that he is sure is exctoplasm.
  70. >Whenever he takes a shower, he swears he can hear giggling, and he is forced to clean himself with one hand while the other cups his cock and balls.
  71. >The haunting quickly becomes more overt when he walks into his room to see four pairs of his socks levitating, looking as if they were stretchered over four pony legs.
  72. >The night before Nightmare Night is the first occurrence of the poltergeist interacting with him directly.
  73. >He's doing some quick stretches before hopping into bed, bending over to touch his toes, when he feels something slap his ass.
  74. >With a yelp, he spins around only to see an empty room.
  75. >Then his boxers get yanked down around his ankles.
  76. >His hands fly to cover himself, but a strong shove to his shoulders has him toppling backwards.
  77. >Underwear serving as a trip wire, he lands on the mattress, sprawled out on his back.
  78. >A whisper in his ear, "The barrier between the living and dead is thinnest this night, you know."
  79. >Anon feels a weight settle in his lap before it begins grinding up and down against his privates.
  80. >"Let's see how close they can get, hmm?"
  81. >As Little Anon hardens, the human can't help but wonder.
  82. >Does this count as necrophilia?
  89. > Femanon wanders into a small Minotaur town in Equestria
  90. > A bunch of tauresses are gathered around a milk cart, arguing over whether or not liking cuntbulls is gay
  91. > After a moment of tit envy, Femanon wades into the discussion, glad to have found some nice, familiar degeneracy
  92. > The group eventually goes their own ways, but the milk tauress takes a liking to Femanon
  93. > Asks if she will teach her sons about having good taste
  94. > The eldest is plain and diligent, but handsome enough
  95. > The second is a feisty, independent bull
  96. > The third is a sweet, bookish sort of bull
  97. > The fourth and fifth sons are pure shotacon bait
  98. > So she teaches them about the dangers of edge, etc
  99. > Femanon is good friends with Rarity, one of the few females that she can easily relate to
  100. > Rarity comes to check on Femanon, and ends up falling for the eldest son
  101. > But then there's the childhood friend of the eldest, a humble butcher tauress...
  107. >Anon and Femanon live in Equestria
  108. >Life is fine and they were quickly accepted by the locals
  109. Surprisingly, a lot of mares became interested in the new "human stallion" and wanted to get to know him
  110. >Due to tradition, mares need to get approval of the eldest female in order to date a male
  111. >Femanon hazes every mare that tries to get close to her brother as revenge for when he did it to her
  112. >The challenge of getting close to Anon just made mares want him more, but had no idea how to get over the wall that Femanon made
  113. >That is, until one mare challenged Femanon to a duel for Anon's hoof in horsemarriage
  119. >Nightmare Night
  120. >Ponk is throwing a costume party
  121. >Obviously
  122. >Anon says he has to grab some beer or something before heading out
  123. >Ponies accept it, and continue to the party
  124. >An hour later, a confused and exhausted Anon busts into the room
  125. >Dressed in the best Starswirl costume any of them had seen, and rocking a downright GODLY beard
  126. >It makes Twilight's look like a piece of shit in comparison
  127. >She's a bit miffed, but goes over to ask him about it
  128. >Maybe its actually some human wizard instead, and they totally didn't come with the same costume!
  129. >Of course it isn't
  130. >Anon explains that he got bumfucked into the past, just like how he got into Equestria in the first place
  131. >He was a bit sad at first, but got better once he realized he could actually do magic now
  132. >Years passed and he made a name for himself
  133. >Even got to meet the Princesses at last, and even get to know them
  134. >Now it seems his stint in the past has finished, and he's back in the present
  135. >Or whatever he's supposed to call it
  136. >Twilight just smiles and nods, not-so-subtly casting a drug-detection spell
  137. >Anon catches it, and has to restrain the urge to bring down the wrath of God
  138. >That always worked when someone ignored him and chalked everything up to "coltish whimsy"
  139. >Or even worse: ALIEN coltish whimsy
  140. >For a time, anyway
  141. >It's not as bad as it was Back Then, but he can see it in their eyes
  142. >None of them believe him
  143. >Well, maybe he should get in touch with the Princesses again?
  144. >Sure, its been a while, but they had a good thing going
  145. >Even made a cello with their hairs
  146. >Naturally, he called it a Cellu
  147. >But how to send it, and what to do in the mean time?
  150. >Celestia and Luna knew the moment they saw him, despite their initial shock.
  151. >To preserve the timeline, they pretended they were ignorant of him.
  152. >Now that he's the Anon they knew, they rejoice, much to other ponies' disbelief,
  153. >However, time in Ancient Equestria hardened Anon.
  154. >The Princesses have to actively reign him in from shit, like summoning a meteor down on ponies for being sexist, in anger.
  155. >They task Cadence with keeping him away/distracting him from diplomatic functions, lest the griffons, minotaurs, females cause a shit-storm
  161. > Anon is Sunset's hot roommate
  162. > He often walks around the apartment without a shirt and bends over more often than is strictly necessary
  163. > Even if her friends are over
  164. > And his hugs are so tight that she can feel her tits mash against his firm pecs
  165. > More than a few of her friends have been flustered that way
  166. > After months of blue beaning and shameful masturbation, she finally calls him out on how much of a tease he's being
  167. "It's because you have the cutest reactions~! But you're right, you've suffered enough."
  168. > As he begins unbuckling his belt, Sunset licks her lips
  169. > After several very enjoyable hours, her sense of loyalty kicks in
  170. > "Would it be alright if the girls got a little taste, or at least if they could see the real thing?"
  171. > Anon laughs
  172. "You're such a good friend. Sure, but only one at a time. I'd hate for Fluttershy to be left out, just because the other girls are pushier."
  173. > Sunset sighs in relief, glad he didn't get angry about being shared with her friends
  174. > She is going to take responsibility so hard with Anon
  177. >all of the girls have fantasized about Anon, but don't know him past the "hot next door neighbor" level
  178. >none of them believe sunset when she bursts into their totally-not-a-treehouse, claiming that she finally bagged Anon and that he wants to fuck them too
  179. >shit like that just doesn't happen
  180. >what's next, Fluttershy delivering a pizza to a lonely dad and he can't pay?
  181. >takes her a while, but she manages to convince them to come over
  182. >first thing they see when the come over is Anon naked on the couch watching tv or something
  183. >they all quietly lose their minds when they realize it was all real
  184. >sunset wasn't lying
  185. >they were all about to get laid
  188. >You are making out with Anon.
  189. >Things are going so smoothly that you might try to float the idea of... "sex" with him.
  190. >Then you won't die a virgin, and with a guy too!
  191. >Who's a dyke now mom?
  192. "S-so Anon... do you want to..."
  193. >He looks at you with a little concern in his eyes.
  194. >You can do this girl, just ask him.
  195. "Do you maybe wanna- if you're fine with it... want to have... sex?"
  196. >You brace for the rejection.
  197. >"Sure babe, if you're okay with it."
  198. >Wait what?
  199. "Really?"
  200. >"Yeah, so how you wanna do this?"
  201. "What do you mean?"
  202. >"I mean are you on the pill, you want a condom, want me to pull out? Oh and don't worry, I'm clean. And based on your reaction I'd say you're a virgin so you are too."
  203. >What did you just get yourself into... and why are you so wet right now?
  210. >fillies crush on Anon
  211. >trying to act all brave, strong and marely to impress him
  212. >still only up to his knee in height
  213. >doesn't matter, still try their best
  214. >come off as kids with adorable puppy crush
  215. >often get themselves into some situations that would overwhelm an adult mare, let alone a filly
  216. >need Anon to rescue them, which only reinforces their crush on him
  217. >Anon is not a filthy pedo and uses their attention on him to teach them good morals and common sense
  218. >It goes over their heads more often than not, but some things stick
  219. >days go by and fillies eventually stop their advances
  220. >Anon knew their interest would wane, it was but a puppy crush afterall
  221. >He never was really into little ponies, let alone little pone kids
  222. >But damn, were they adorable
  223. >timeskip
  224. >still Anon, still forevealone.jpeg
  225. >not because of the lack of ponies trying tho!
  226. >you just dont seem to klik with any of them
  227. >*knocks on the door*
  228. >open it
  229. >a bunch of fillies what used to adorably harass you every day because of their crush are on your doorstep
  230. >except they are not fillies anymore, but young mares at the start of their adult lives
  231. >and it looks like that crush didn't really fade, but turned into pure and true love inside every single one of them.
  232. >when they understood you seen them as too young, they decided to wait until all of them were old enough that you could marry any/all of them
  238. > After her modeling career, Fluttershy had a lot of mares trying to become friends
  239. > Unfortunately for them, Rarity is well versed in how to deal with ponies trying to ride coattails
  240. > Weekly spa trips, frequent tea parties, in depth fashion discussions, etc
  241. > Most mares drop out after a month
  242. > Some end up becoming actual friends, glad to explore their more colty side
  243. > Then the female alien gets drawn into one of their tea parties, and Rarity braces herself for turning away a blatantly maresculine prospective herd sister
  244. > But no, the alien thinks tea parties are cute, and somewhat elegant, and plays nicely
  245. > Fluttershy invites her along to the spa, and the alien accepts, mentioning she had never been to one
  246. > It is only when they are all in the hot tub that Rarity realises her mistake
  247. > Rather than driving this one way, they should be trying to bring him in
  248. > Meanwhile poor Fluttershy is about to faint from seeing an unsheathed stallionhood
  254. >Anon's foals are quite the rambunctious bunch.
  255. >Always getting into trouble
  256. >Anon is always at that "Dad mode" state, where his senses, reaction time and general physical capabilities is heightened.
  257. >One day he suddenly became incandescent, grew ethereal wings and now sports a bright halo.
  258. >Anon is now the "Alicorn of Fatherhood."
  259. >The herd prepares themselves for a possible confrontation with the diarchs.
  260. >But instead the sisters came forward with a request for Anonymous to adopt them
  266. >Anon's been in equestria for some months now
  267. >does some quick math
  268. >realizes Thanksgiving's coming up
  269. >decides he can't let human traditions die out
  270. >gets to work a fuckhueg thanksgiving dinner
  271. >poners all around watch in confused bemusement as the most janefilly colt anyone knows suddenly goes on a cooking tangent
  272. >appul tries to help Anon where she can, but doesn't have much experience beyond, well, apples
  273. >Anon doesn't care
  274. >gives her a one of equestria's first pumpkin pies as thanks
  278. > Mare is the sister of one of the mares in your herd
  279. > Down on her luck, searching for a job
  280. > You let her stay in your house with your herd, until she finds a job and can afford her own place
  281. > It's not the most peaceful place, what with the foals running around, and your wives dropping by throughout the day
  282. > But there are a lot more job opportunities in your area than where her parents are, out in the boonies
  283. > For the most part, she is out applying for jobs, but she always comes back disappointed
  284. > While she is home, she helps cook, clean, babysit the foals, etc as a way of paying you back for food and board
  285. > It's actually kind of nice, to have more time to devote to your hobbies and things
  286. > The mares in the herd are warming up to her as well, taking her out for drinks, encouraging her, buying little things she likes on the way home
  287. > The foals love their aunt, glad to have someone else to play with
  288. > The mare starts learning massage techniques, helping your wives relax after a long day of work
  289. > After a few months, she is getting discouraged
  290. > The mare wonders if she should try another town
  291. > The foals overhear this and swarm her, pleading for her not to go
  292. > The mare tries to say that she doesn't want to be a burden, but your wives insist that she is actually a big help
  293. > Finally, you make the offer
  294. "You don't have to be my wife, but you can be part of the herd, if you want to be. Either way, you'll always have a place here."
  295. > It's as if a huge weight falls from her shoulders
  296. > She smiles at you with tears in her eyes
  297. > "I'd like that."
  298. > She is immediately engulfed in a group hug
  304. > Fluttershy as a soft dom
  305. > Has Anon massage her, whispering that he is a "good boy"
  306. > Rewards him by pushing her tuft into his face and petting his head
  307. > Likes to casually brush against his butt as he cooks
  308. > They go on a picnic, and she spends several minutes whispering exactly what she intends to do with him once they get home
  309. > Buys him the occasional lacey ball bra from Rarity, and always compliments Anon on how good it looks on him
  310. > Likes to nibble on his ears while they cuddle
  311. > Gets him so riled up that he pounces on her
  312. > She does a smug laugh as he thrusts, saying that such a good boy like him can't resist a bad mare like her
  313. > Afterwards, she pets his hair, and tells him how happy he makes her and how much she loves him
  319. > Anon and lesbian pone are drinking buds
  320. > Mares hit on Anon at the bar
  321. > He agrees to go with them... if they are fine with the lesbian having her fun too
  322. > This drives some mares away, and others think he is bluffing
  323. > He is not bluffing
  329. >Colt Anon meets Celestia.
  330. >Expects to have the usual "awestruck colt/filly" thing.
  331. >Instead gets questions about Guard Armour, and how effective their weapons are versus various species' biologies.
  332. >Is slightly creeped out.
  333. >Luna is happy to answer his questions, however
  334. >Cadence once again takes up the foalsitting mantle, despite being the ruler of the Crystal Empire.
  335. >"It'll be a snap," she says.
  336. >Heh.
  337. >Hehehe
  341. >Anon lives by himself, even though he's "just a colt."
  342. >He becomes the town's responsibility, where everypony makes sure he's cared for and happy since he's all alone
  349. >Anon is the grim reaper for Equestria
  350. >The angel of death
  351. >He guides those whose souls have trouble passing over into the ether
  352. >Often times he deals with the young or those near death
  353. >He helps comfort and consoles them so they can know peace
  354. >With near death experiences he calms them and keeps them company during this fearful time
  355. >Most don’t remember him when they come back from their near death experience 
  356. >Only remembering feelings of peace and serenity
  357. >One day Celestia takes on a big bad that’s a bit more bad than most
  358. >Celestia gets grievously injured and almost dies
  359. >During her near death experience she spends time being comforted by Anon
  360. >When she awakes from this harrowing experience she remembers everything 
  361. >She has perfect recollection of Anon and his kindness
  362. >Celestia is infatuated with Anon and now spends much of her free time trying to find a way to contact Anon
  363. >Luna and friends think Celestia is suffering from her brush with death and try to get her help
  364. >Celestia tries even harder now to prove she isn’t crazy and to spend more time with Anon
  372. >Anon is one of the best bakers in Equestria.
  373. >Unintentionally wins Celestia's heart by how good his cakes and pastries are.
  374. >He never noticed.
  375. >Becomes determined to woo him.
  376. >Faces competition in Pinkie Pie.
  377. >Initially dismissing her as a threat, she quickly becomes aware that Laughter is a serious contender.
  378. >While they battle it out by trying to win Anon over, he's still oblivious.
  379. >Meanwhile, he frequently hangs out with Bro-Luna late at night.
  380. >She finds it all hilarious
  386. > Anon really likes the more intelligent mares
  387. > Unfortunately those mares tend to be the rich ones
  388. > So everyone thinks he's a rabid and shameless gold-digger.
  390. >Anon flirts with Rarity
  391. >she flirts back
  392. >each is a shameless social climber who has made some very incorrect fundamental assumptions about the other's social level
  394. > Meanwhile, Anon's brother Synon is all about /fit/, big booty mares
  395. > Thankfully, mares like that exist all across the socioeconomic ladder 
  396. > Ponies wonder why can't Anon is so shallow and encourage him to be more like Synon
  402. >Twilight has already been on several dates with gold-digging stallions that could care less about her
  403. >One didn't even remember that he used to bully her for being a "nerd" back at school and another spent the whole night planning what to spend with money she didn't have
  404. >Just because she's a princess doesn't mean she can take from the royal vault whenever she wants
  405. >Anon asks her out because he likes smart women
  406. >Twilight thinks he's another gold digger and reluctantly agrees
  407. >She'll just do what she usually does: prattle on about some science stuff and he'll be so bored he'll be begging to leave
  408. >They have dinner in some modertately fancy restraunt
  409. >After they ordered, Twilight starts talking about her latest research project
  410. >Instead of being bored to tears, he's enrapture by it, sometime asking questions throughout and adds to the conversation with his own knowledge
  411. >They talk until the restraunt closes
  412. >Surprised it went on this long, Twilight tried to pay only for her date to take up the bill
  413. >Twilight walks him home and they say good night
  414. >Anon leans in and gives her a kiss on the cheek, thanking her for a good time
  415. >Before Anon walks inside, Twilight calls out
  416. >"A-Anon, would you like to do this again soon?"
  417. "I'd love to. How's next week?"
  418. >"That's perfect. Just one thing: next time, I'll pay."
  425. >Anon poofs into Equestria the same second as Sombra closes off the Empire
  426. >Left wandering the frozen wastes for a time
  427. >Eventually reaches the city
  428. >He's spooked by all the frozen ponies, but still hungry as fuck
  429. >Manages to scrape by for a few days, but its a near thing
  430. >His vidya skills tell him that if this frozen city has any significant food storage in it, it'd be in the castle
  431. >He sneaks in
  432. >Eventually finds Sombrero
  433. >The warlock is not amused
  434. >He chases Anon out
  435. >In the chaos, anon touches one of the ponies
  436. >The spells keeping them frozen and complacent shatter
  437. >They, predictably, freak the fuck out
  438. >Anon uses the distraction to escape with what he's got
  439. >Hopefully things would have cooled down after a while, but its obvious to both of them
  440. >Anon shouldn't be there, and Sombra won't tolerate a rogue agent in his city
  441. >After dodging a few searches, Anon decides that this can't go on
  442. >He needs help
  443. >Unfreezes about a dozen pones, and manages to convince them into starting a resistance
  444. >One might even call it a Gorilla war
  445. >War happens, and after a long time, they win
  446. >Sombra is dead, and Anon is declared King/Emperor
  447. >But the barrier around the empire is still up
  448. >And perhaps even more importantly, the ponies realize no one's aging
  449. >They settle in for the long haul, a few half-remembered gloats from Sombra stating he would wait a thousand years for Equestria to fall their only indicator as to how long they'll be cut off from the rest of the world
  450. >In only a few decades, the city is starting to get crowded, and they can't get more material to build with
  451. >Anon decides that in order to survive, they must dig
  452. >They must dig deep
  453. >They carve out halls in the mountain, and under the city itself
  454. >And when they need more space, they carve new halls ever deeper
  455. >By the time the barrier falls, Anon is the All-Father of poni-dwarves
  456. >Ridiculously large statues and standard gender roles included
  459. >revived Crystal Empire has a devoted and loyal hive directly below it, working side by side its ponies
  462. >Changelings aren't really a "fixed" species.
  463. >Not including different species adding or mutating their gene-pool;
  464. >Dominated by green, hate, and hunger, they appear like Chrysalis' hive members.
  465. >When exposed to friendship and love, they become pretty much Flutterponies in all but name.
  466. >When they thrive on determination and loyalty, they appear completely different, and have a different nature
  471. >Anon is blind
  472. >Has a seeing eye pony
  473. >A real pony, that is
  474. >Poners are shocked to see such a "deviant" relationship out in the open like that
  475. >And with the colt "on top," even!
  476. >But they figure that since that kind, mute mare is actually helping dear Anon get around, they can't really do anything about it
  477. >Anon was confused at first, but he knows what they're all thinking 
  478. >Looks forward to the keks to come when they realize the truth
  480. >Twist:
  481. >when transported to Equestria with her master, mare became an equestrian mudpony
  482. >and became mute
  483. >but thats not a problem
  484. >she took care of Anon without being able to speak before, she can continue doing so now.
  485. >knowing that she is his lifeline and that he trusts her with his wellbeing every day makes her feel all warm inside
  486. >having the harness tightly wrapped around her barrel, Master tugging on it as she leads him around, is a nice kinky bonus
  487. >wonder when he will notice this new development
  493. >humans are a myth in RGRE
  494. >they commonly appear in Equestrian fantasy stories as a mysterious and secretive civilization with an odd culture 
  495. >as technology advanced, humans would naturally find their way into video games 
  496. >in this case, dating sims
  497. >Moondancer is a rabid fan of ‘My Little Human: Love is Magic’
  498. >it’s a game where you play as a human woman and get to romance a number of attractive human boys
  499. >like all dating sims, each romance option falls into a particular stereotype that appeals to mares
  500. >the childhood friend, the tsundere, the ice king, the janefilly, the wallflower, etc...
  501. >Moondancer is obsessed with the janefilly option, Anonymous
  502. >even though she knows he’s not real, she can’t help but fantasize about spending her life with him as if he was right there with her
  503. >never plays any of the other routes
  504. >the genuine love she pours into the game creates a magical reaction where Anon the character develops self-awareness
  505. >he starts breaking the fourth wall and directly addresses Moondancer
  506. >he pleads with her to play longer, because shutting the game off feels like purgatory to him
  507. >Moondancer starts becoming a shut-in again.
  508. >partially because she doesn’t want to leave Alone, and partially to investigate this phenomenon 
  509. >when she tries to tell other ponies about it, they think she’s gone crazy
  510. >she’ll show them all
  511. >Moondancer creates a ritual designed to bring Anon into her world
  512. >she’s done what hundreds of husbandodykes have only dreamed of doing 
  513. >she’s broken the 2D/3D barrier
  519. "Welcome back to Equestria's hit show, "So You Want To Fuck A Horse"! Today's contestant is the lovely and exotic Anon."
  520. >A show with all the trash TV dating tropes.
  521. >Mares fighting for the attention of the male of the current season.
  522. >Stupid contests made up by the show to help Anon choose.
  523. >Mares backstabbing each other.
  524. >That one mare or mares that are trying to just get famous.
  525. >Roses handed out to the mares who aren't eliminated.
  526. >Eliminated mares going home crying.
  527. >And then Anon finally picking his mare for true TV love
  532. > Anon walks through the portal to EQG with Twilight
  533. > Turns into a horse, promptly nopes back to Equestria
  534. > Twilight has an idea
  535. > EQG Applejack leads her horse through the portal
  536. > The horse is now a human woman who is naturally very docile, but with some animalistic instincts
  537. > Sees Anon pick up an apple
  538. > Immediately goes to eat it out of his hand
  539. > After finishing the apple, she happily nuzzles against his neck
  540. > The mares are shocked at the display, expecting Anon to slap her for being so forward
  541. > Instead he hugs her, because some actual human affection is nice after all this time in ponyworld
  543. >Anon and horse girl get together
  544. >Everyone's happy for them
  545. >They've never seen him so genuinely happy before
  546. >Twilight goes through the mirror to tell her friends on the other side
  547. >Again, everyone's happy the stranded human could get some happiness in the end
  548. >Everyone except for AJ, that is
  549. >Even though she supposed it all worked out in the end, she can't for the life of her divide the images from Twilight's stories from the memories of the filly she raised since birth
  550. >When Twilight tells them that they're expecting, all AJ can see is Anon fucking a horse
  557. >Equestria is a magical place
  558. >A very magical place
  559. >And magic can draw attention
  560. >The wrong kind of attention
  561. >Thankfully, some mages of ages past managed to set up a semi-intelligent aegis in order to stop the REALLY wrong kind of attention
  562. >The "full-demonic-incursion" kind
  563. >But no defense is perfect
  564. >They all have holes
  565. >Thankfully, all the holes are rather small and also only on the Equestrian side, necessitating an active, deliberate summoning
  566. >Only lesser demons can be summoned without attracting the aegis' attention
  567. >This does, however, leave the issue of lesser demons possibly running around at nearly all times
  568. >To combat this issue, the crown has created an order of demon hunters, headed by our favourite human Anonymous
  569. >He suggested it, in fact
  570. >Though he probably had the Ordo Malleus in mind
  571. >Not tossing a glass of lemon juice at an incubus every week and fining the lonely mare that summoned it
  572. >Though playing up the whole naughty nun thing can be fun, he supposes
  573. >Especially when "convincing" those lonely mares to stop summoning demons
  579. >Anon falls into ancient equestria/some isolated pony tribe
  580. >ponies think he's a god
  581. >decide to go with it because why the fuck not
  582. >since its equestria, evil shit attacks every other week
  583. >Anon freaks the fuck out, the first time
  584. >still manages to get rid of it, either through luck or cosmic happenstance
  585. >decides to leave, cause shit's getting dangerous
  586. >but ponies are even more convinced of his divinity
  592. >Be Anon
  593. >Fell into a circle some prick drew on the pavement looneytunes style
  594. >Land on a schoolhouse, breaking the roof and get some bruises
  595. >Ponies learn a friendship lesson in the process.
  596. >"Sometimes when your friend tells you to follow the building code it's not just being a rule-obsessed nosestickerwhereit'snotwanteder, they may actually have a valid point"
  597. >Also "Beware falling apes"
  598. >Anon is investigated by Twilight Sparkle and the Friendship Five to deetermine what should be done with the sky-apes
  599. >Since the school is where he landed, the topic eventually turns to Anon's education.
  600. >He claims to have graduated from a university.
  601. >He has no proof.
  602. >Twilight decides to put Anon through an accelerated version of normal pony schooling for him.
  603. >Both to get him aquainted and to test some ideas she's come up with.
  604. >The local ponies aren't the only one's abuzz about the new face in town though
  606. >Minotits and cows fear humans as evil demigods of order.
  607. >Took the strength and power of countless bovines to fuel their lust for control.
  608. >Intricate systems of pipes that sucked away their essense for unknown ends.
  609. >Hideous systematic harvesting and slaughter, controlled by myriad inscrutible rules.
  610. >Bulls were mainly just killed by the brutal system.
  611. >While their strength could not be milked out from them, they did get used for har more horrific things.
  612. >Captives regularly fed on the bodies of the last batch to run dry, along with bulls whose entire life was just waiting to be killed.
  613. >The Cows near Ponyville hear of Anon and flee to warn their homelands.
  614. >They can feel it in their bones
  615. >Another Shoah's acoming
  621. >anon was a smith on earth for his job
  622. >getting to equestria pre metal age he teaches them the ways of the forge
  623. >using his steel armor and weapons he fights back monsters and over time is drenched in the blood of countless monsters which has infused him with their life essence 
  624. >anon is practically immortal now
  625. >after clearing out equestria of monsters he traveled to lands unknown to continue his purge and make safe the world for his little friends
  626. >after many millennia the sexy warrior smith god returns to a modern equestria 
  627. >anon starts to create massive parties that span entire cities to celebrate his ponies becoming everything he wished them to be
  628. >princesses have to run damage control from this mythic being and his mad parties
  629. >pinkie's face when
  637. > A long time ago there was a plague, a plague which specifically killed young colts by the droves.
  638. > At it's height, only one in every ten colt would survive it's first year.
  639. > The last five hundred years saw that death rate decrease to 1/2
  640. > The last century saw the disease wiped out entirely.
  641. > However, herds still remain despite the population being almost equal.
  642. > Fillies are fine with monogamous relationships because they're still experimenting and finding out who they are.
  643. > Mares however will hardly ever give the time of day to a stallion who lacks at the very least a single mare in his herd.
  644. > After all, if he couldn't find someone to take care of him as a colt, why should a mare put your confidence in his worth as a stallion?
  645. > As a result, roughly 4 out of every 5 stallions will never wed or have children
  647. > Enter the Society of Stalled Stallion, a secret club of misfits in started in freshman year that hate being alone.
  648. > A few simply weren't paying attention, too busy with studies or hobbies to notice the most important time of their lives slipping through their fingers.
  649. > Others just lacked the ability to woo the ladies.
  650. > Some just bitterly reject the idea of polygamy all together.
  651. > But as time goes on, they all do eventually find herds.
  652. > The akward ones get a bit more mature.
  653. > The distracted ones learn to focus
  654. > And the bitter ones give in to their desires.
  655. > All except Anon and Nigma, the last members of the Society at graduation.
  657. > Both Celestia and Luna remember when monagamy was the norm.
  658. > But Celestia lived through the plague, and while she might know of how things were she's been normalized by her experiences.
  659. > Luna though hates what she's come back to.
  660. > Seeing so many colts forced to whittle away their lives as little more than wilting wall flowers.
  661. > She also is annoyed by her sister's insistence that with her return, the princesses finally have enough mares to form a 'respectable' herd.
  662. > So in an overt attempt to slight the concept of herds themselves, she decided to try and woo one of them after seeing their dreams.
  663. > Only to find neither is willing to abandon the other to a life of loneliness out of a sense of friendship.
  665. > Can Luna find another mare to join her in this crazy departure from the norm?
  666. > Will love triangles ruin everything?
  667. > How will society react?
  668. > Will the other Princesses interfere to ensure 'what is best for Equestria' comes to pass?
  675. >Anon arrives as the second human in Equestria.
  676. >Guy before him set himself up as a typical HiE story protagonist.
  677. >Ended up with a herd containing at least half of the mane six.
  678. >Called himself "Josh" at first but now calls himself some edgy name like "Bloody Arrow." Poners don't realize how it sounds to a human.
  679. >Talks non-stop about his "military career" and the pones don't recognize he has neither the training/discipline for such a thing, or any actual knowledge about the inner workings of the human military.
  680. >Set himself up as a strategist for the princesses or some shit, using his knowledge of FiM.
  681. >Some stuff happens.
  682. >Anon unintentionally untangles the entire web of lies the first guy had been building.
  683. >HiE protag tries to call Anon a liar, but HE'S proven to be the liar through a lie detecting spell or mind-reading or whatever.
  684. >Pones react like pic related to this, and Anon gives HiE protag a chance to own up to it all, at which point he'd probably help the guy rebuild his life.
  686. You could make the HiE protag anywhere from a completely insufferable twat to a sorta-okay guy who just made a series of really shitty decisions and it'd still work.
  694. >Seafoam is a seapony
  695. >She's a bit different from the others, however, because she's obsessed with land dwellers
  696. >She badly wants to go into the port town near the beach, but she can't be out of water for too long
  697. >The only time that a seapony walked on land was when the queen's daughter fell in love with a land pony and used the pearl to be with him
  698. >The queen offered the same to anyone who fell in love with a land dweller, but it hasn't happened since
  699. >Seafoam hangs around the beach all day hoping that somepony would come by, but the only beach is practically abandoned
  700. >That is until one day a strange two legged creature covered in a pair of small pants came by
  701. >Seafoam grinned; she finally found her land ticket
  706. >Anon and Celestia are really into each other
  707. >They both think they're hiding it pretty well and playing it cool
  708. >They aren't
  709. >Everyone can see it, except the other of course
  710. >Anon's a fedora-lord, and Celestia's a massive sunhat tipper
  711. >M'ladys, M'lords, and spaghetti fucking EVERYWHERE
  712. >Since they can't see the interest the other has for them, they're both huge pulsating piles of nerves
  713. >Ponies try to help them get together, if only to make them stop acting like total sperglords
  719. >Anon is mid conversation as the Grand Galloping Gala when <powerful mare> gropes his balls
  720. >She just smirks evilly at him when he looks at her.
  721. >He pretends nothing happened, just as she suspected.
  723. >Later on during the party, he finds her, isolated, alone.
  724. >She hears a whisper in her ear from just behind her, that makes her fur stand on end, and her heart race.
  725. "And now the hunter, becomes the /hunted/."
  733. >Anon is not pretty by pony standards, this should not be a surprise.
  734. >It's not like he's a bad looking guy, he's just not a pony.
  735. >Because of this, even in RGRE he has some trouble getting a marefriend.
  736. >Until one day, a lonely, chubby mare sees him and thinks, "Well, it's worth a shot."
  737. >She doesn't think he's hot, but she's desperate for the D.
  738. >They fuck, and he is actually a pretty good lay.
  739. >Anon for his part is just glad a mare is showing interest in him, and makes sure to show that gratitude.
  740. >He may not be an attractive stallion, but he's sweet, and treats her right.
  741. >The fat mare is happy, and she wants to share that happiness with her friends.
  742. >She brings it up with Nonny, and he reluctantly agrees to think about it.
  743. >The fat mare's friends aren't knockouts, each with their own flaws that make them unappealing, but they're nice, and seeing the desperate hope in their eyes, Anon agrees.
  744. >It turns out to be the best decision of his life as he gains a happy little family of misfits.
  745. >The lead mare, her life finally looking up, wants to make herself pretty for her stallion, and starts eating right and exercising.
  746. >Turns out that once she sheds the extra pounds and does her mane, she's a total knock out.
  747. >Anon was okay with her pudgy form, and he'll miss that phat ass, but he can't lie and say he doesn't like that she can be more active in the bedroom now.
  748. >All is right in the world until a handsome stallion sees the lead mare in the market and is blown away.
  749. >He starts to put the moves on her, and she spaghettis a bit, almost losing it completely when the cute stallion cuts to the point and asks if she's available to join his herd.
  750. >It's what she always dreamed off, a handsome hunk bringing her into his herd.
  751. >... But Anon.
  752. >She smiles kindly to the stallion and tells him, "I'm sorry, but yes, I am in a herd."
  758. >Back on Earth, Anon was an engineer.
  759. >When he gets to Equestria, he notices a lot of lacking machinery or inefficiency.
  760. >He gets a low paying job (because mares won't let him near that's actually dangerous, like tools.)
  761. >Starts inventing stuff from Earth (Radios, small electronics, time-saving devices.)
  762. >However, can't ever get any of the ponies to take him seriously, he has to use a front-mare has a way of getting his stuff out.
  763. >Front mare later on in the story tries to screw anon out of the money until she gets forced into a position in where Anon's expertise does actually come in handy
  769. >In RGRE, bisexualilty in mares is common and not at all questioned. With a low number of catty males, you take what you can get.
  770. >You're in a relationship with a mare and you couldn't be happier. You and her seem like a perfect match.
  771. >One day, she makes a new friend with another mare. 
  772. >Over some time, it becomes obvious that your mare and her friend are more than platonically interested in each other. Your mare is still very much in love with you though. 
  773. >The friend finally approaches you and asks to herd with you and your mare. The friend is honest and says she's doing this because she loves your mare. She also won't object to any relationship that forms between you and her
  780. >A mare will never shyly approach you and ask for "colt advice"
  781. >You will never remind her that you don't come from Equestria, and that colts are as confusing to you as girls were back when you were going through puberty
  782. >The mare will never scoff and insist that stallions "just know" these things, and say that your advice about this world's fairer sex will probably be better than anything she can think of
  784. >Mare is cleverer and braver than she looks
  785. >She knows you're different from most colts, but she has no real idea *how* you are different from them.
  786. >And it doesn't really matter, because she has no idea how to deal with them in the first place.
  787. >So before she torpedoes her chances accidentally, she figures she'll just ask you for 'advice' and then use it on you later
  790. >Applejack shifts around beside you and presses her cheek into your thigh.
  791. >"Well, Ah made him a pie two or three times a week fer a month, right?"
  792. >You nod, thinking back to the pies she's begun to gift to you.
  793. >"Cuz Granny said that when she was courtin' my grandpappy-"
  794. >She rolls onto her back and traces a stylized sun onto her chest, like a Catholic crossing his chest.
  795. >"-Celestia rest his soul- that it was important that a stallion knew you could cook."
  796. >She settles back down and takes her former place with her head on your lap.
  797. >"It shows that yer responsible and grown up, and y'all can feed yerself even without a stallion in the kitchen. An' Ah helped him with his chores, too, so that he'd know that Ah cared fer him an' wanted to carry his burdens."
  798. >...you're vividly reminded of that time Applejack came over to your house while you were painting your fence.
  799. >She grabbed the paintbrush in her teeth and refused to let go until you let her help out.
  800. >Applejack rolls onto her back and gazes at you with her big, half-lidded green eyes.
  801. >"But he just plum won't take the hint that I'm interested in him."
  802. >Applejack paws at your arm and snatches up your hand, which she hugs to her chest.
  803. >"What do y'all think, Anon? What do Ah gotta do to let this colt know Ah wanna make him an Apple?"
  804. >This is just like your American romcoms.
  811. >Despite how rare it is, each of the mane 6 have monogamous parents
  812. >Growing up in nuclear homes, they all want a stallion that is in love with them and them alone, not share that love between three different mares
  813. >Since Ponyville is largely an earth pony town, herds are the norm
  814. >As such, it's nearly impossible to find a stallion that would be willing to take a risk on single partner relationship
  815. >In comes Anon who comes from a culture where monogamy is the cultural norm
  816. >It's the best opportunity to make their dream reality
  820. >Be random townspony.
  821. >There's a new person in town.
  822. >Not a pony, a person.
  823. >Tall, walks on two legs.
  824. >Looks kind of like a hairless minotaur.
  825. >And they're a colt.
  826. ...
  827. >He's still putting roots down, so he's unattached.
  828. >He's looking for work.
  829. >What better work for a new stallion than to look after the children?
  830. >He gets to connect with all the other colts in town who want to free up some time for themselves, and he gets to spend some time with children.
  831. >Every stallion's dream job, right?
  833. >Be Anon.
  834. >That fucking turkey.
  835. >You made a wish on the wishbone.
  836. >(I wish I was anywhere but here.)
  837. >You couldn't stand hearing your drunk sociology professor of an aunt rant on and on about her political opinions during dinner.
  838. >And during the post-cleanup "family time".
  839. >Family gatherings three times a year for holidays was already too often.
  840. >Your patience was running thin, so when you pulled that bone apart with her (both of you were chosen by a random draw), you were _this_ close to blowing up and telling her how things work in the real world.
  842. >Whelp, as luck would have it, the second you pulled that bone apart, you started feeling woozy.
  843. >Thinking it was just a turkey coma, you sat down for a minute to close your eyes and ignore old Aunt Selma talk about her activism "work" in the 70's.
  844. >When you opened your eyes, you were standing in a field with some kind of pastel-coloured horse staring at you with wide eyes.
  845. >Fuck it, as long as you're away from that intolerable bullshit, you'll take what you can get.
  847. >Turns out, they can talk.
  848. >They've got a civilization and everything.
  849. >Neato.jpg
  850. >They've even got a job they want you to fill: working at a daycare, helping out with the after school programs, that kind of stuff.
  851. >They said it'll help you get to know the other people in the community and see how things are done.
  852. >That's one way to deal with culture shock, so you might as well run with it.
  854. ...
  855. >What. The. Fuck.
  856. >Most of these kids are alright.
  857. >You mean, you don't dislike any of them, not really.
  858. >They behave well enough, though some of their rambunctiousness is a little exhausting.
  859. >Three specific ones, though.
  860. >This group.
  861. >They call themselves "Cutie Mark Adventurers" or something.
  862. >They get into the craziest shit.
  864. >You have no idea where they got the idea, let alone the equipment, for ziplining.
  865. >You're running around like you're trying to put out a greasefire with water as your only tool.
  866. >Every time you stop one horrifying idea, they're halfway through the plans for another one.
  867. >This has to warrant some kind of hazard pay.
  868. >You feel like you're one of the characters on Scooby Doo, except trying to prevent disasters rather than solve mysteries.
  870. >At least the townsfolk are understanding about the damage control you try to do, so that's not too bad.
  871. >Apparently, these three have a reputation.
  876. "Hey Mom! Is it okay that I brought a friend over from school?" asks Anon Jr. as he enters the room. "I know I should've asked first, so if not, I can just-"
  877. >"No!" his mother shouts, sliding into the kitchen and slamming into the wall.
  878. >Some plaster falls from the ceiling as she brushes herself off.
  879. >"I mean, no, it's fine. You made a friend, sweetie?"
  880. >Anon Jr. looks at the cracked ceiling with a dry expression before sighing and a shaking his head
  881. "Yes, and thanks. She and I got to showing each other-"
  882. >"She? You're friends a filly?"
  883. >The mares posture instantly stiffens and her eyes narrowed, before suddenly widening.
  884. >Wait, what did you show each other? Jr! I thought I told you to never play doctor with fillies or mares! Did she touch your no-no stick?!"
  885. "Drawings, Mom! We showed each other our drawings, jeez! She came over so we could draw together."
  886. >Jr. could feel the migraine forming as his mother sighs in relief.
  887. >"Oh, that's fine then... She's not one of those fillies who draws genitals all day, is she?"
  888. "I'm too old for this... No, Mom, she draws Moonga stuff, and it's pretty cool, so if it's still okay, I'd like to invite her in now. And can you not embarrass me, please? Seriously, she's like the only halfway normal pony in class, so I'd like for you not to chase her off."
  889. >"Of course, of course," the mare agrees with a few nods. "I'd like to meet your... friend."
  890. >Jr. gives her a suspicious look, but heads outside to grab his new, and only friend.
  891. "What's all the noise down hear? Anon asks, coming down stairs and rubbing his eye, having been woken from his midday nap.
  892. >"Our son's brought home a friend," his wife informs him. "It's a filly."
  893. >Anon blinks a few times.
  894. "Shit, you for real?"
  895. >"Mhmm."
  896. >Jr. comes back in with a little filly trailing behind him, a pair of oversized glasses slipping down her nose.
  897. >Suddenly, the colt's swept up in his father's callous hands.
  898. "That's my boy! Finally got himself a girlfriend. Slaying them just like his old man!"
  902. >As a teenager, Anon Junior is basically the RGRE equivalent of Daria
  903. >Rarely gets noticed due to his more calm personality and is often critical of classmates’ lack of common sense 
  904. >He’s something of an outcast as a result, not really fitting in with any of the cliques at his school
  905. >He draws a comic strip for the school newspaper under a pen name
  911. >Ponies expected Celestia to be the one wanting foals, due to her motherly attitude.
  912. >Ponies expected Luna to be the one to "not tied down" by foals.
  914. >A match-making attempt by Cadence and Twilight goes wrong.
  915. >They wanted to set-up Celestia with Anon in a casual atmosphere, e.g. a Pinkie Party.
  916. >However, Luna obliviously gains Anon's interest.
  917. >They talk, and hit it off.
  918. >NotAsPlanned.scroll
  920. >A year later, Luna and Anon are married.
  921. >Half-year after, she's knocked up.
  923. >Anon likes being a househusband and a supporting pillar to Luna.
  924. >Conversely, Luna likes that he's not a typical "spineless colt".
  925. >Windows rattle when they have rows.
  926. >...And rattle when they make-up, too.
  928. >Celestia, despite being happy for her sister, also feels saddened, wistful, and a little resentment.
  930. >"It should have been me."
  937. >Anon gets a job as Celestia's transcriber.
  938. >Apparently, fingers allow for better manipulation of fine tools, as most unicorns, bar exceptions like Twilight, Rarity, and musicians like Lyra, etcetera, have trouble doing things fine and fast.
  939. >He also introduced short-hand, something the ponies never thought of, and personally fascinates Celestia.
  940. >Anon spends his 9--5 transcribing court, face-palming at ponies' lack of common-sense, providing subtle amusement to Celestia, and being hit on by annoying noblemares
  942. >Anon writes unofficial side-notes on a different bit of paper, detailing how stupid the current pony is being, doodles, etcetera.
  943. >The Princesses sneakily record these and laugh over them at night, over wine
  950. >Anon is a rowdy boy when he gets sucked through a portal to equestria
  951. >Twi takes in the youngster as she definitely has the room in her castle 
  952. >Anon gets a reputation as a wild colt that needs to be taught how to be a proper colt
  953. >Befriending the CMC they must avoid and foil the adults plans to educate Anon
  959. >anon has lived in ponyville for a few months now and has made some good friends
  960. >however he's an absolute cunt-tease 
  961. >worse is that he doesn't even know it 
  962. >due to anatomical reasons a pony having a conversation with anon has to pretend they don't see his crotch bulge even though it's right in front of their face
  963. >and he's constantly giving out head pats and belly rubs even stallions aren't safe
  964. >basically acts like some sort of hyper-bimbo
  965. >one day one of his friends has had enough and tries to call anon out on his whorish ways
  966. >anon is so confused that he thinks they've had a stroke 
  967. >???
  968. >comedy
  971. >Be Rainbow Dash flying into town
  972. >See Anon greeting Time Turner
  973. >Aaaand now the apelien colt is rubbing Time Turner's belly...
  974. >*POMF*
  975. >Aww, he stopped
  976. >Guess the show's over
  977. >Be Rainbow Dash walking into town and trying to get your wings to limber up enough to fly again
  978. >Better get extra cucumbers at the market
  985. >Despite being desirable, Anon has no interest in dating ponies.
  986. >Saddened but (mostly) accepting, his friend-zoned friends get used to it.
  987. >Then, one day, Fem Anon (or Incognito) arrives in Equestria.
  988. >Trouble is? She's one of those batshit insane feminists that took Gender Studies in college, and is a complete SJW.
  989. >While initially delighted at seeing women in charge, it quickly turns to horror when the hypocritical bitch realises that the pressure is all on her now for having mammaries and ovaries.
  990. >And she rubs ponies the wrong way because of her attitudes.
  991. >While Anon, a regular guy, laughs at the irony from a distance, he wants nothing to do with a "crazy bitch that should have been lobotomised in College".
  992. >Hell, he'd rather begin dating ponies than getting to know her, much to the rekindled hopes of various ponies.
  993. >The downside is that some ponies, like Cadence, get it in their head to try to pair the two up, given they're the only humans around.
  994. >Thus, a game of shadows begin between ponies wanting to date Anon and those trying to set the two up.
  995. >Meanwhile, Incognito is coming to grips with her bullshit narrative being, well, shat on, and is discreetly eying up Anon because she doesn't want to be alone.
  997. >Anon shacks up with a changeling for reasons
  998. >Drone, Queen, doesn't really matter
  999. >She tried to impersonate Femanon, but Anon saw right through it
  1000. >Thought she was just too damn cute to turn into the ponice
  1001. >Relationship happens
  1002. >They're happy
  1003. >Naturally, something goes wrong
  1004. >Ponies catch her and bring in Fem to "comfort" Anon
  1005. >But she's so fucking vile that the bugwaifu starts vomiting
  1006. >Demands to know why the ponies were straight up trying to POISON her
  1007. >Fem starts screeching at her
  1008. >uncomfortablehorsesounds.scroll
  1009. >The changelings may have a less than stellar reputation, but they were ALWAYS right with their "readings"
  1010. >Ponies start to wonder if they should have listened to Anon
  1013. >Or, FemAnon isn't a psycho, and the two get along well enough, but they just aren't each others type.
  1014. >Ponies, being all about destiny, cannot fathom two humans, a male and a female, showing up in Equestria, and not thinking there has to be a deeper meaning to it.
  1015. >Obviously, they are meant to be the progenitors of a new, hyper intelligent species for Equestria, bringing humanity to Ponyland, but they won't just get with the program.
  1016. >Much like the retarded panda, these humans refuse to mate and continue the species, so it's up to ponies to push them together.
  1017. >Meanwhile, Anon and FemAnon are trying to figure out why they've suddenly stopped getting the good pony pusspuss and D respectively
  1023. >Ponies build fat differently than humans. 
  1024. >For ponies, it tends to build around the flanks with a little around the belly and chest/neck. Mares build a bit in their teats too.
  1025. >Twilight is a bit overweight, and it shows on her flanks and the tiny bit pf pudge on her teats.
  1026. >Unfortunately it throws off her looks just enough to make dating difficult, even as a princess.
  1027. >And the stallions the do approach her tend to be after her princess wallet.
  1028. >Then there is you, the human who evolved to find flared hips and large mammaries attractive. 
  1029. >Other ponies just don't do it for you, but Twi?
  1030. >SPRUNG
  1031. >It also helps that she is genuinely interesting. 
  1032. >She's never expected to be on the end of your affection, but she's not going to fight it.
  1033. >Other are dumbfounded by your tastes
  1038. >"You've already GOT a immortal baby! This one should be mine!" 
  1039. >"He was made a alicorn in the Crystal Empire, making him -my- jurisdiction! Meaning -I- get say so!"
  1040. >Be Luna.
  1041. >"Yes, but the Empire merged with Equestria, meaning at -you- are under -me-!"
  1042. >You're sitting with Anon eating popcorn watching your sister and niece fight over Anon.
  1043. >"Forget that! I saw him first!"
  1044. >"Oh really? Well I saw you first when you became a alicorn!"
  1045. >Cadence's eyes widen and you see her begin to cry.
  1046. >"M-Momm-"
  1047. >"You're twenty three, miss me with that dyke shit. The colt is mine." Your sister says with a bored expression.
  1048. >Almost instantly Cadence is back to normal.
  1049. >"He's mine! Fight me bitch!" 
  1050. >"Your sister lunges at Cadence and the two begin to scuffle.
  1051. >You reach for more popcorn and touch the bottom of the bucket.
  1052. >You frown.
  1053. "Anonymous, it would appear we are out of popcorn."
  1054. >He smiles.
  1055. >"I got it!" He says lighting up his horn and with a POOF more popcorn is in the bucket.
  1056. "Sweet."
  1057. >You say flinging a hoof full of popcorn in your mouth.
  1058. >"So," Anon says chewing some popcorn of his own. "after we eat the rest of this bucket you wanna fuck?"
  1059. >You frown.
  1060. "I'm not into lil colts."
  1061. >He deadpans.
  1062. >"Legally I'm still twenty six. When are you -ever- going to get the chance to legally fuck a colt again? Plus, still not bad because I'm twenty six."
  1063. >You shrug.
  1064. "Sure, why not. After the fight though."
  1065. >You say as you watch your sister try to jab your neice with her horn only to be met with a wing slap to the face.
  1066. "This is getting good."
  1072. >Luna, Celestia and twilight all take a surprise trip to the crystal empire
  1073. >They find anon has secluded himself in a room and doesnt want anyone entering
  1074. >However he is demanding paper, ink and glass
  1075. >They enter the room.
  1076. >Celestia reals back because of the smell
  1077. >Twilight is stunned by the various kinds of pens anon made (https://www.amazon.com/Glass-Dip-Pen-Writing-Set/dp/B004XO2Q5Q) from an advancement of the quill, to a working glass ball point
  1078. >She sees the stacks of research notes but does not figure out what anon is researching right away
  1079. >Luna however, did
  1080. >There is anon
  1081. >On the bed
  1082. >Belly up
  1083. >Sock in magic
  1084. >Learning the best way to form is magical onahole 
  1085. >Anon himself doesn't realize it because he sealed himself into a sound proof barrier because fuck me crystal reverberates like a motherfucker
  1086. >Soon celestia learns to deal with the smell
  1087. >She sees anon anon, but that doest explain how much smell there is till she looks up
  1088. >Anon drew a bullseye and has been launching his socks up...
  1089. >His cum is VERY sticky apparently
  1090. >Twilight looks to her mentor and luna only to follow their line of sight
  1091. >By pure cosmic spaghetti spilling, she a pair of wings shoot out her back (Thinkhttps://youtu.be/plhKkSfKP2k?t=52s [Open] but no pained sounds) just for her to be able to have the most raging wingboner ever had
  1092. >They all have similar thoughts 
  1093. >Young body but legal
  1094. >Lewd but fun
  1095. >Brains and experimental...
  1096. "He shall/will belong to us/me" the three say in unison 
  1098. ~1 magical fap session latter~
  1100. >You are anon
  1101. >After the mindlowing orgasim, you are to tired to really do anything
  1102. >Well, it was more then one but whos counting
  1103. >Your head drops to the side
  1104. >And you see the most epic standoff of alicorns ever
  1105. >What the fuck happened?
  1111. >Moonshiner Anon in RGRE
  1112. >it turns out there’s a whole underground moonshine industry in Equestria 
  1113. >with even the hardest of legal liquors being sugary and barely producing a buzz, ponies resort to illegal means to experience something different 
  1114. >the Apple Family secretly dominate the hidden Ponyville moonshine business, and have been for generations
  1115. >when Anon starts using his stallion friends to sell his moonshine on the streets to make some extra money, it cuts into the Apples’ profits.
  1116. >Granny Smith and Applejack are surprised that this new moonshine rivals their own, wondering what genius mare came up with the recipe
  1117. >they have no idea that their new competition is the weird alien male who lives on the edge of town
  1123. >Anon and [insert waifu here] somehow manage to survive the universe reboot
  1124. >they’re now strangers in a world that’s vaguely similar to Equestria on the surface, by actually much more soullesss in the inside 
  1125. >no one knows who they are, and if Anon’s waifu has a G5 counterpart they’ll be suspicious of her 
  1126. >it’s still Reversed Gender Roles though, so these bizarro new versions of old friends keep being sexist towards Anon
  1127. >at least that hasn’t changed
  1130. >Nu-questria is Kinderquestria
  1131. >Twilight runs a bookstore as a laundering front for Anon.
  1132. >Anon has, in a span of six months, btfo'd the Canterlot mafia.
  1133. >In their place he now runs the single most efficient and brutal crime rings Nu-questria has ever seen.
  1134. >Everything from salt smuggling and loan-sharking to protection schemes and even the occasional shakedown.
  1135. >He's got most of the ponice on the payroll and those that don't accept the money get beat with pillows! how horrifying
  1141. >Sunbutt can see the oncoming reboot
  1142. >Has nightmares about it, if even more vague and fragmented than usual
  1143. >Equestria is thrown into a light panic
  1144. >Visions about the destruction of the world are pretty fucking serious yo, especially from Sunny-bunny
  1145. >But not only are they vague as hell, they're early
  1146. >VERY early
  1147. >Where usually Celestia's visions come to pass within a few weeks or so, months have come and gone
  1148. >The world can't teeter on the brink forever
  1149. >Eventually, ponies start to think that it was all just a nightmare born of stress, even Luna
  1150. >But Celly's convinced
  1151. >And if she can't save the world, her country, or her ponies, she WILL save her herd
  1152. >Over the next few years, she starts pulling funds from various things to build a "Royal Survival Bunker"
  1153. >Built to last, of course
  1154. >The occupants would, theoretically, be able to live in there forever
  1155. >So long as they don't mind eating oats for the rest their lives, along with carefully measured amounts of other vegetables
  1156. >Thank christ that human and alicorn dietary needs are pretty much the same
  1157. >She manages to get away with it for a time, but now ponies are starting to get concerned
  1158. >Both with just where the money she's burning is coming from, and her mental state 
  1159. >What if, after more than a millenia of ruling, Princess Celestia has finally burnt out?
  1160. >Was that dream the straw that broke the camel's back of her sanity?
  1161. >If she calmed down, would she even be fit to rule again?
  1162. >And her herd is especially worried
  1163. >Though her sister's mind has always been difficult to understand, Luna fears that maybe something slipped by her nightly watch, coupled with the barely-there feeling of "what if she's right?"
  1164. >A previously 100% unattached Cadence wonders to herself if this is her fault
  1165. >As the alicorn most in tune with both the modern world and emotions in general, it usually fell to her to organize the various dates and family outings that kept them all sane after a long month/week/day of princess-ing
  1166. >Could she have been blinded by how Celestia seemed to always be on top of things, even in the worst of times, that she couldn't see how things were fraying at the edges?
  1167. >And then there's Anon
  1168. >He just wants things to go back to normal
  1169. >For his mares to be happy and healthy again
  1170. >This goes on for nearly a year
  1171. >Celestia, thankfully, starts to calm down when the bunker is finally completed
  1172. >Or so they thought
  1173. >It's drill time now, baby
  1174. >The day, the night, the morning, the afternoon
  1175. >No time is safe from Drill Sergeant Celestia
  1176. >Not even bath time
  1177. >But they'll take it like it's a gift from God himself if it gets her to calm down
  1178. >A bit, anyway
  1180. >One day, just after dawn, it happens
  1181. >A massive, endless white wall rose at the edge of the world with the sun
  1182. >And it is coming
  1183. >It takes days, but someone finally notices that all communication from across the eastern sea has stopped
  1184. >While the ponies are wondering what it might be, Celestia realizes that the time for this world has come
  1185. >And she runs
  1186. >She teleports her and her herd into the bunker and locks the door
  1187. >They demand to be let out, but she won't budge
  1188. >The arguing stops when the ground starts to shake
  1189. >No, not just the ground
  1190. >The whole world is shaking
  1191. >The whole world is ending
  1192. >Celestia breaks down, saying that this was all she could do
  1193. >Stunned, they comfort her as best as they can
  1194. >End up falling asleep on the floor in front of the massive door/spoiler]
  1196. >On the other side, a G5 pony knocks on the massive fuckoff steel door that just crushed her garden
  1199. >G5 ponies crowd around this strange metal door in the ground, that from their perspective suddenly appeared
  1200. >both groups can hear each other though the doors 
  1201. >the G5 ponies just want to be friends 
  1202. >Anon’s herd is paranoid that whatever force caused the end of their world will notice they survived if they leave the shed and erase them
  1203. >none of them are willing to open the doors to test that theory
  1204. >the G5 ponies don’t believe their story of being survivors from the previous universe
  1205. >they just think they’re wild conspiracy theorists who need somepony to show them they don’t have to be afraid anymore
  1206. >thankfully, the doors only open from the inside 
  1207. >Celestia wonders if this is how whatever came before their universe, the G3 ponies, felt when their world was being erased 
  1208. >did they panic?
  1209. >did they cry? 
  1210. >did they go mad?
  1211. >or did they accept that all things come to an end someday?
  1214. >Surprisingly, the door was opened by none other than Celestia herself after only a few days
  1215. >Turns out she really underestimated her addiction to the sunny D
  1216. >When they realized they WEREN'T getting erased by some cosmic horror, the rest of the herd come out
  1217. >The G5 ponies are literally retarded, even by Equestrian standards
  1218. >Or rather "old Equestrian" now
  1219. >sadhorsenoises.carving
  1220. >Well, nothing left but to carve out a place for themselves, now
  1221. >After gently herding the G5s away from the hatch, Celestia gets to building a fort around it
  1222. >She always loved building 
  1223. >It calmed her when Luna went away
  1224. >It calmed her when the world was literally about to end
  1225. >And by God, it WILL calm her now
  1226. >Luna starts a one-mare patrol
  1227. >Cadance flies around to see if she can find any recognizable plants nearby to supplement their stores
  1228. >And Anon ends up playing the homemaker, welcoming the mares that work to keep them all safe in this strange new world
  1231. >the human/alicorn hybrids are like elves to the G5 ponies
  1232. >immortal, beautiful, cunning, and all around better
  1233. >or rather, as close to elves as their little G5 bumpkin minds can get
  1239. >Celestia has a terrible secret.
  1240. >She feels like a fraud.
  1242. >She can control the Sun and the Moon.
  1243. >But she is not nearly as powerful as the world believes.
  1244. >Starswirl could have outdone her in a magic duel any day of the week.
  1246. >Alicorns may be ageless
  1247. >They can eventually heal from nearly any wound that is not immediately fatal.
  1248. >But she is not invulnerable.
  1249. >She has been nearly killed many times, and in truth, it was sheer luck that has allowed her to survive all these years.
  1251. >That same luck has made such attempts on her life a rare occasion.
  1252. >Her political rivals around the world have come to believe that she IS unkillable.
  1253. >The sheer number of villains the ponies have defeated have made them believe that she IS the most powerful magical being in the world.
  1254. >That it is only her compassion and empathy that prevents her from unleashing terrible destruction
  1256. >That her 'defeats' by the likes of Chrysalis were obfuscation.
  1257. >A way of ensuring things went according to plan.
  1258. >A plan that only one as old and wise and masterful as she could understand.
  1260. >But Celestia knows the truth.
  1261. >It is a lie.
  1262. >A lie she has found useful to safeguard her little ponies.
  1263. >But a lie all the same.
  1265. >And now she has fallen in love, and she fears whether he will still feel the same when he learns the truth.
  1266. >She feels certain that he will find out, that she cannot hide it from him forever
  1267. >More, she feels that it would be wrong to do so.
  1268. >She has to tell him.
  1269. >But will he stay if she does?
  1270. >Or will he leave, perhaps back to the world he came from?
  1277. >Anon, born and orphaned shortly after, lives a life that is short in a world that's apathetic to his existence. He had the simple dream that many orphans have: To know what a family is like. 
  1278. >He suddenly comes to after his death with his memory intact. With limited senses, he comes to a startling conclusion.
  1279. >He's been reborn as some sort of equine? A colt is the word?
  1280. >But far more importantly... 
  1281. >He has a family. The words are fast and little more than gibberish, and each movement in his infant eyes are blurry, but there is no mistaking the tender tones touches of those around him.
  1282. >As some time passes, he learns of his now home, and it becomes apparent that his parents are leaders and political stirrings are afoot.
  1283. >All Anon knows for sure is one thing.
  1284. >He cannot let anything happen to his family.
  1285. >His new form, the fairer sex here, has awesome power to use with his conniving mind. Any who threaten him and his own will not prevail.
  1288. >Cadence and Shining are unsure what to think. 
  1289. >It was just a short time ago they were blessed with a darling son.
  1290. >Even with how marely Shining was, he still cried in joy the first time he held his son, his Anonymous.
  1291. >But the little colt confuses the new parents.
  1292. >At first they thought they couldn't conceive, only for Cadence to be violently ill one morning. A visit to the crystal palace infirmary dropped the delightful news to them.
  1293. >They were told to expect a filly, only for a colt to be born. 
  1294. >Strange, but only just.
  1295. >Then it gets stranger.
  1296. >The little colt almost refuses to cry, his eyes seem too sharp and his magic is too controlled. 
  1297. >Doctors praise it as genius, but the unicorn and alicorn know better.
  1298. >Something is up with the little foal, but the love for their child, so easy to raise and ever so keen for hugs keeps the suspicion dulled.
  1299. >The sudden accidents happening to their political rivals is unrelated, obviously.
  1301. >Anon is reborn as Flurry's twin, which confuses Shining and Cadence as they were only expecting a daughter.
  1302. >Exasperated, he has to frequently calm his sister from her emotional episodes
  1305. Especially if Anon is different from her on more levels than mental. Like, she was born with big wings and horn and all the magic power, while Anon ends up average to waifish.
  1306. Flurry "Big sister"'s him, but he helps keep her in check.
  1308. And Anon shouldn't do the anime thing of "hard work reaches genius levels", and instead it could be more interesting if due to his human mind, he can't grasp equestrian magic as easily, and isn't as in tune with his body as Flurry.
  1309. Two distinctly different ponies who are nigh inseperable brother and sister
  1311. > Cadence was concerned about her son.
  1312. > He too is an alicorn like his sister.
  1313. > Unlike her however, his wings are stunted like RD's biggest fan and his horn is short and rounded at the end.
  1314. > Doctors think Flurry took most of anon's magic while in the womb, leaving her over developed and anon a withered runt
  1317. >Anon's human mind provides great focus for magic, beyond even professional spellcasters due to the fundamental differences between how ponies and humans think.
  1318. >But his smaller horn and wings limit his total output, unlike Flurry who can fly at absurd speed and cast high level magic on total accident.
  1319. >Instead, he has to focus on precision and efficiency.
  1320. >He becomes the scalpel to Flurry's sledgehammer
  1323. Warning: Edge
  1325. >Shining and Cadence are jolted awake by the sound of a door being broken down and a foal crying.
  1326. >They rush outside, only to find the hallway guard knocked out.
  1327. >Now terrified, they rush to the nursery which has the door broken down.
  1328. >Inside is not what they expect.
  1329. >Flurry is bawling her eyes out in fright, little Anon is silent and trying to calm his sister, and on the ground...
  1330. >...Is a foalnapper, dead without a single mark on him. 
  1331. >The disturbed parents have the body carted away and refuse to let their children out of sight for some time.
  1332. >Down the way in the morgue, the autopsy on the foalnapper has disquieting results.
  1333. >She suffered sudden brain death when her brainstem was messily severed, as if pinched off with plyers. 
  1334. >But there were no marks on the outside of the body...
  1335. >What happened? Who could have done it?
  1338. >Because he was unexpected and a surprise, he's named Anonymous Heart.
  1339. >His name is surprisingly apt, as he's often so quiet he blends into the background of things.
  1340. >While not a powerhouse like his sister, possibly due to being stunted in the womb by Flurry's growth, he does have the occasional moment (especially under stress) where he does frightening shit.
  1341. >Like actually causing the Crystal Citadel's foundations to quake, or accidentally launching Pinkie Pie clear across the Empire (and through walls) like an airborne torpedo when she surprises him.
  1342. >He also likes to gum on Rarity's mane, which horrifies her.
  1343. >Applejack becomes determined to get the little tyke hooked on apple products, but is always dismayed when he prefers exotic fruit, like pineapple or kiwi
  1351. >several months have passed since Random Magical Bullshit dropped you out of your home reality and into Equestria
  1352. >with winter approaching, it's been getting a lot colder lately
  1353. >you finally got your own place on the outskirts of town, but that means you also have to get it ready pretty quickly if you don't want to spend the season hopping around the house in a sleeping bag like some kind of oversized bagworm
  1354. >provisioning is going well however, you've got a couple cords of firewood and have just gotten back from town with a stack of brand-new fuzzy blankets
  1355. >you're still not sure how you feel about being able to talk with the sheep whose bodies produced the material
  1356. >and while you're no fabrics expert, you're also pretty sure that knitting didn't require that one ewe to keep licking the needle while she looked at you
  1357. >at any rate, you pushed it out of your mind and began making some cocoa
  1358. >while waiting for the milk to boil though, you start hearing some strange rustling coming from the living room
  1359. >confusion changes to concern once you hear some soft growling as well
  1360. >a lot of ponies on the edge of town had pet dogs, did you accidentally leave the door open and let one in?
  1361. >rounding the corner though, you see something a bit odder than you'd been expecting
  1362. >Fluttershy is in your house, wearing a headband with fake dog ears on it that look like some breed of Retriever or another
  1363. >and, she's growling while holding one corner of the duck-patterned blanket you bought, shaking her head all around
  1364. >ignoring you completely, she finally seems satisfied and lifts the blanket up in her jaws, trotting over to one corner with it
  1365. >you're still too dumbfounded to speak as she deposits it, then goes past you into the kitchen
  1366. >when she returns she's got a mug of the cocoa and goes back to the blanket, nosing under it and shuffling around some
  1367. >a yellow hoof and the tip of her snout emerge
  1368. >she pulls the cocoa inside, says "woof" with a smile, and pulls the blanket shut
  1374. >After being thrown into Equestria Anon is made to resemble the first magical creature he can think of so he doesn't mess up Equestria's eco-system
  1375. >Ends up becoming a genie
  1376. >Turns out he arrived before the time of the Three Tribes
  1377. >Goes on through history having various different masters throughout the ages
  1378. >Eventually though his lamp is left in a remote place by a creature that wanted to reuse him over and over again
  1379. >After its passing though nothing is aware of his resting place
  1380. >During the time of the mane 6 Twilight is reading up on exotic mythical creature and it comes to the genie eventually
  1381. >Speaks of a grand all knowing, all powerful figure with a body to match
  1382. >This peaks her interest and decides to look into it
  1383. >Eventually her and the others finally find his lamp and awaken him
  1384. >Whilst he is all powerful and knows a great many things that have been forgotten, time has not been kind to him despite his immortality
  1386. >Anon's body isn't actually degrading, it's just not what ponies are expecting
  1387. >Consistently
  1388. >Whenever someone finds his lamp, their heads are stuffed full of tales of an all powerful magical creature able to grant their every desire
  1389. >Naturally, they think its some kind of alicorn super-stallion
  1390. >And just as naturally, they're all a bit disappointed when Anon pops out, even ripped as he is
  1391. >They do the wish thing and put him back, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible because >tfw no alicorn bf
  1392. >Anon knows thins, and has come to accept it, so he tries to have his fun where he can
  1393. >While they might not part on the best terms, (most of) Anon's masters are, in the end, ponies
  1394. >So after they settle into their luxurious lives free of want, they start to realize that Anon always did right by them, for the short time they knew him
  1395. >When ponies start to ask where all their nice shit came from, they spin tales of a powerful, generous, wonderful creature by the name of Anon
  1396. >And it all starts again
  1399. >One of the few that know (and believe) the true story goes looking for Anon
  1400. >Descended from one of his old Masters
  1401. >Her however-many-great grandparents met because of the wishes he granted
  1402. >However, instead of being one of the unmarried sons thrown at the suddenly-wealthy mare by the more established nobles, her however-many-great grandfather was just a poor servant working for one of the visiting nobles
  1403. >True love at first sight, and all that
  1404. >It was all very "disney"
  1405. >Back to the modern mare
  1406. >She whole-heatedly believes that Anon is the reason she was even born
  1407. >So she vows to find her "patron" and set him free
  1408. >And set the HMD free, too
  1413. >All the "reformed" ponies tend to get along with Anon
  1414. >Despite whatever wrong thing they did, he's cool with it and never brings it up
  1415. >Most importantly, he doesn't preach the importance of friendship 24/7, unlike a certain purple princess
  1416. >Little do they know, Anon is Twilight's secret weapon: the practice friend
  1417. >Someone that is so chill, it's impossible not to get along
  1422. >While stallions aren't expected to help with the harvest or the more physically demanding chores that come with life on the farm, they still pull their weight
  1423. >Typically, this manifests as cooking, cleaning, shopping, and whatever minor chores the mares can't get to themselves
  1424. >And perhaps most important of these duties is organization
  1425. >Budgets, quotas, sales, inventory, schedules, appointments and more are all but guaranteed to pass a farm stallion's desk at some point
  1426. >Arguably the most important thing the stallion is expected to organize is the breeding schedule
  1427. >Farming is a tough life, and extra hooves are at an absolute premium for most
  1428. >Why pay workers when you can just tell your kids to do it instead?
  1429. >But even for the most hardy of earth pony mares, working can be too strenuous for the little one
  1430. >But the harvest waits for no mare and ends must meet, thus the schedule
  1431. >Family fertility, dates of heats both previous and expected, skills, and projected losses from the pregnancy all come together in a mathematical dance most wouldn't expect outside of a university, let alone on a farm of all places
  1432. >A well put together schedule can often manage one "incapacitated" mare relegated to low-strain chores along her stallion, with her slack being picked up by herdsisters in less advanced stages of their own pregnancies
  1433. >By the time the foal is born and weaned, she's ready to head out to the fields, making room for the mare that is likely just about to be "incapacitated" herself
  1434. >Life goes on, the farm manages to keep turning a profit, and in a few years it might even be able to expand
  1439. >Dilfs are milfs in RGRE
  1440. >So while Cadence is watching Twilight, she's thirsting HARD for an older Anon
  1441. >He may not have any kids, but he does have the spice of manliness Cadence never knew she needed until she saw him
  1442. >And she is hooked on it
  1443. >He's naturally reluctant
  1444. >He didn't order any cheese pizza, no sir officer!
  1445. >While it is a little odd, a younger mare pining after an older stallion is seen as a teenage fantasy
  1446. >And why hate something that just isn't going to happen?
  1447. >Cadence disagrees on that whole "not happening" thing
  1448. >She is the princess of love, and by the SUN ITSELF, she WILL have her husbando and be held in those big strong arms, no matter how colty it'll make her look!
  1453. > It's true, Twilight and Tempest (she has been less than kind to those who call her Fizzlepop without her expressed blessing) are a couple.
  1454. > Twilight knows that there are expectations to continue the line however.
  1455. > Tempest knows Twilight though, and is worried that her obsessive streak wouldn't work well with herd dynamics.
  1456. > Even a small one.
  1458. > Normally there'd be plenty of gold diggers who'd be more than happy to give a bit of dick and then be married in name alone.
  1459. > Unfortunately the combination of neurotic sorcerer-supreme and temperamental ex-villian has scared them all off.
  1460. > The only ones that are interested in being in a herd with them are the more emotionally and forgiving kind.
  1461. > Time goes on, and eventually they start to accept that they'll have to bite the bullet...
  1462. > Enter _________, a con artist with just the right amount of madness to consider a life of royalty.
  1464. > So he enters a sort of probationary courtship with the two,
  1465. > Unfortunately he lacks a true heart of stone, and starts warming up to the idea.
  1466. > He soon realizes however that the couple aren't actually desiring a real relationship, just 'on paper' herd.
  1467. > So despite being handed the world on a plate, he does what any mad man would do.
  1468. > He bets his spoils against terrible odds for an even larger pie.
  1469. > He'll have to pull out his big-bag-of-tricks to win, but that's ok.
  1470. > Because he's just that good.
  1472. Plot points and sub plots
  1473. > Past as a con man coming back to haunt him
  1474. > Old friends or crew putting things in jeopardy
  1475. > Blackmail
  1476. > Other potential gold diggers
  1477. > Building a house of lies and then making good on it to impress the two mares.
  1478. > Dealing with trouble Twilight and Tempest make with xanatos speed chess.
  1479. > Struggling to reconcile his greed and narcissism with his new found admiration and love for the two mares.
  1480. > A suspicious mane 6 and/or Nu6 and/or other ancillary characters
  1486. >infestations were a major problem in Equestria
  1487. >there weren't nearly as many things that did the infesting, but they were universally more difficult to get rid of
  1488. >take a swarm of parasprites for instance
  1489. >how are you supposed to get rid of something that literally eats you out of house and home?
  1490. >by not living near them, says the ponies
  1491. >entire regions stand empty for centuries after the original infestation, no one willing to risk another
  1492. >enter Anon
  1493. >he wasn't a real exterminator, but he did bring a... rather unique viewpoint with him to Equestria
  1494. >sometimes, shit just has to die
  1495. >and magic is looking to be much more useful than any cocktail of chemicals
  1496. >thus began Equestria's first proper extermination business 
  1497. >not believed at first, what with him being a colt and his rather... extreme practices
  1498. >everyone thought his building in canterlot would end up in flames from what must have been a mad colt's experiments
  1499. >imagine their surprise whe just a few short years later, one of these quarantined regions is declared free of parasprites
  1500. >he even says that with just a few tweaks, the world could be similarily free
  1501. >forever
  1508. >this is a fact
  1509. >mares don't like being called cute
  1510. >they much prefer terms like "handsome," "rugged," and other such marely terms
  1511. >this is, sadly, also a fact
  1512. >so, in order to give the cuties-in-denial their due no matter how little they wanted it, the stallions of Equestria get together every few nights to trade especially cute pictures of their mares
  1513. >in canterlot, this little club is headed by one Prince Anonymous himself
  1514. >when asked, they always say they're just going out for "boys' night"
  1515. >even after months of these meetings, the cute mares of Equestria suspect nothing
  1520. >"Come on, Anon! You can't go out on a foggy Hearth's Warming night without your Rendolph, you said it yourself!"
  1521. >You cross your arms over the long white beard that had somehow managed to get on your face
  1522. >Where the hell it came from, you had no idea
  1523. >Probably had something to do with horse shenanigans
  1524. "Celestia, if you think I'm going to RIDE you out there for even a second, I don't think you should be wearing that crown. There'll be foals there, for Christ's sake!"
  1525. >Like these shenanigans, for example
  1526. >Waitasecdishe
  1527. "And it's RUDOLPH, how many times do I have to say it?"
  1528. >Fucking mares, do they even listen?
  1529. >Sometimes you wonder if its even worth bringing over traditions from Earth...
  1530. >But at the same time, you can't help but smile at the memory of how all the foals on your knee smiled when you asked them what they wanted for Hearth's Warming
  1531. >You'd thought they'd be a bit more hesitant, what with anything like mall santas (and santas in general) not existing here
  1532. >But the way their little faces lit up...
  1533. >You smile
  1534. >Equestria sure can be a magical place at times
  1535. >A wing drapes over your shoulder
  1536. >"But Anooon, what about what I want for for Hearth's Warming?"
  1537. >She leans in and bats her eyes
  1538. >"Haven't I been a good filly this year?"
  1539. >You know she's trying to be sexy in her odd horse-woman ways, but you can't help but daww internally
  1540. >She thinks she's in some kind of porno!
  1541. >It's like a little retarded puppy taking its first steps
  1542. >Adorable
  1543. >You would give her what she wanted if you didn't KNOW she was going to try and get off on it
  1544. >And you also knew that a pony's sense of smell was nothing to sneeze at, pardon the pun
  1545. >If she smelled like sex when she got within a hundred feet of those foals, you'd be up to your neck in angry fathers, claiming that Christmas was some "pagan monkey sex holiday"
  1546. >Shows what they know
  1547. >That's Valentine's Day, not Christmas
  1553. > Being pulled through the darkness between realities with his eyes opened had consequences.
  1554. > He no longer sees ponies, or at least not their bodies.
  1555. > Instead he sees hallucinatory figments, empathetic projections of their inner selves and emotions.
  1556. > Generally it's just a distorted version of a pony, clothing and colors and size changing.
  1557. > If it's an extreme emotion though, they might appear as something completely different.
  1559. > Anon meets mod after a year of getting used to living with non-stop hallucinations.
  1560. > Then Pinkie Pie comes back with a chromatically oscillating pony.
  1561. > It's her sister.
  1562. > And anon can talk with the voice in her head, instead of the one from her mouth.
  1563. > Everyone is a bit weird out at how the two interact, especially when anon seems to just be holding a conversation with a mostly mute Maud.
  1564. > Pinkie is the most disturbed of all though, worried he's bullying her some how.
  1565. > Cue adventure of Pinkie and the gang trying to ruin the first experience Maud ever had holding a real conversation with someone else, in the name of friendship
  1571. >Velvet and Night Light's marriage hasn't had any spark for many years.
  1572. >Both start drifting apart, but keep appearances up for their kids.
  1573. >When both Twilight and Shining have moved out, there are often days where Velvet and Night don't talk to each other. 
  1574. >Finally they both decide to break it off while most of their time together is good memories. The divorce is quiet, without fuss, and Night gives Velvet the house so he can travel like he's wanted to for years. 
  1575. >They hold off on telling their children as both need time to pluck up the nerve for it.
  1576. >Velvet starts feeling the benefits of her new freedom immediately though, when none other than the local biped Anon happens by and flirts with her. 
  1577. >An older, freshly freed mare like her just walks into a new male. What are the odds?
  1578. >He had the most adorable look of surprise when she said yes to his lunch date, she thinks. 
  1579. >And that's how Velvet Sparkle bagged a young guy in a single afternoon
  1581. >Twilight takes the announcement surprisingly well
  1582. >better than Shining, at least
  1583. >the poor stallion had been a daddy's colt from the day he was born, according to her mother at least
  1584. >what went less well was the realization that, for all her studies on friendship, she simply hadn't really bonded with her parents all that much
  1585. >her earliest memories were in the palace, and even when she was home, she was watched, more often than not, by Cadance
  1586. >and by the time her studied started to lighten, she was off to ponyville with nary a word to her family
  1587. >to her, her parents weren't the immutable fact of the universe her friends had, intentionally or otherwise, claimed theirs to be
  1588. >they probably never had been
  1589. >they were just... Twilight Velvet and Night Light
  1590. >two upper class Canterlot unicorns she wrote to on occasion
  1591. >and that made her think
  1592. >she usually liked to think
  1593. >she wasn't sure she liked THIS kind of thinking, though
  1595. >she had a chance, this time
  1596. >to REALLY bond with her mother, and the strange, marely alien that had stolen her heart
  1597. >he'd probably end up as her future step-father
  1598. >she snorts in the quiet of her library
  1599. >no "probably" about it
  1600. >even she'd seen that he was going to marry her mother eventually
  1601. >she'd stake her horn on it, even
  1603. >and so Twilight decides to get to know her old-yet-new family, all the while her friends wish her luck with the "bad" news of the divorce, and mercy on her soul at the thought of having a marely step-father
  1608. >Anon has served as Celestia's guard for many years.
  1609. >Despite being male, having an able-bodied, magic-immune ape on your payroll is great.
  1610. >Over time, however, she notices that he's always alone, often taking overtime.
  1611. >She learns he has no-one after a conversation, which concerns her.
  1612. >What do you do after your shifts?
  1613. >Sleep or read in my barracks.
  1614. >In reality, he likes being alone.
  1615. >He always was an oddball.
  1616. >He can't relate to the stallions because of RGRE.
  1617. >The mares irritate him to no end, being after his dick all the time.
  1618. >She assigns him to Ponyville, to Twilight's guard.
  1619. >In reality, it's to try to get him to "make some friends".
  1620. >Anon takes it without complaint: orders are orders, after all.
  1621. >It doesn't go as planned.
  1622. >For them.
  1623. >Anon likes being alone.
  1624. >He likes being a stoic bastard.
  1625. >Frustration mounts as Twilight and co fail over and over in comedic ways as Anon just... guards.
  1626. >And puts down baddies with a halberd to the throat
  1632. >RGRE Cadence is a bit of a play-filly.
  1633. >Becomes interested in the new resident alien of Ponyville.
  1634. >However, this 'stallion' is a tough nut to crack.
  1635. >And whimsical, being all proud and "independent".
  1636. >So adorable.
  1637. >However, the more attempts at bedding him fail, they slowly shift to wooing attempts.
  1638. >Begins to genuinely fall in love.
  1640. >You are Anon, and this batshit insane Love Horse is up to something again.
  1641. >Fuck's sake, all you want to do is sleep.
  1642. >Your shift at SAA starts in... four hours?
  1643. >Fucking--!
  1644. >You swear if she starts trying to "serenade" you again, you'll brain her with your alarm clock.
  1645. >Even though that shit ain't cheap
  1651. >Anon and pone waifu are fucking
  1652. >things are getting hot and heavy, he's getting sweaty
  1653. >pone licks him, because heat of the moment
  1654. >gets a big ol' taste of hot monkey sweat
  1655. >gets buzzed because salt is like alcohol to them 
  1656. >wakes up with a hangover the next morning, but decides she likes it
  1657. >over the next few weeks, she tries anything and everything to get another taste
  1658. >slips further and further into her monkey-salt addiction
  1659. >other ponies see her acting more and more like a drunkard
  1660. >if it weren't for the fact Anon finds her behavior cute and completely non-threatening, they'd be afraid he's in some kind of abusive relationship
  1661. >some still are, and might just do something about it 
  1662. >totally not just out to get a taste of their own, no ma'am!
  1667. >some noble a few centuries back was absolutely convinced that too much liquor could render a stallion sterile
  1668. >them being ponies, and nobles to boot, means this belief has stuck around to the modern day in the form of the Royal Association of Food and Liquor
  1669. >got a formula to convert a mare's portion to a stallion's and everything
  1670. >this is, of course, in addition to the "normal" RGR
  1671. >and in comes Anon, bootlegger supreme and alcohol connoisseur
  1677. >Anon IS in an abusive relationship,
  1678. >he just doesn't notice it since poners ARE cute/non threatening and hes used to human girls being catty and demanding
  1679. >in addition, Anon is worth a lot of money due to being one of a kind and having written (plagiarized) a lot of human stories
  1680. >money that could be waifu's without having to have an ugly ape slob around to share it with
  1681. >She starts to conspire to kill him and inherit his wealth, but whatever she tries fails
  1682. >she's tried making him snacks and meals out of garlic and onion, giving him chocolate milkshakes with REAL chocolate and even mashing up avocados and telling him its dip
  1683. >Anon just thinks shes opening up to him more
  1686. >She sees Anon fly into a good old human rage one day.
  1687. >Probably on the Big Bad of the Week.
  1688. >Suddenly realises that he's not trapped in a marriage with her.
  1689. >She's trapped in one with him.
  1690. >Anon wonders why his wife, who'd been warming up to him, suddenly gets skittish.
  1691. >Wonders what he did wrong.
  1692. >His attempts of being more caring just seem to unnerve her more
  1696. Abusive pone wife shouldn't be a(n attempted) murderer.
  1698. Unless she's actually an edgy supervillain, she should be trying to manipulate him, make him dependent on her, control his money, etc.
  1700. She gets away with it because (being OGR) he kinda expects that shit and she got her hooks into him before any sunhat tippers could try to show him any better.
  1702. If it's a combo of DT and SS herd (with SS as the 'lets not get too extreme here" one) it could also be Spoiled's fault.
  1703. Anon is wealthy or famous or whatever, and she pushed Diamond to get in on that quickly.
  1705. Diamond is a controlling manipulative bitch because she thinks she has to be, or she doesn't know how to be any different. 
  1706. Though all the while, she's not as bad (or as effective) as her mother.
  1708. Could be feelsy at the end.
  1709. Anon overhears Spoiled berating her daughter for reasons and pushing her to be more of a bitch/push for some thing that Anon has been resisting, says exactly how she forced Filthy to do X thing that she wanted.
  1711. Spoiled has been mistreating Filthy for years, and somehow gotten away with it.
  1712. DT actually really loves her daddy. 
  1713. But she was mostly blind to the shit her mother pulled, until recently.
  1714. And it took a while for her to realize that what she's been doing to Anon is the same shit her father has been dealing with for years.
  1716. Anon and Filthy become buds, and realize just how wrong things are.
  1718. Depending on the actual Rich Family situation, whether Spoiled is conniving enough to monopolize him and keep it mono, or settled for being the Alpha Bitch of the herd. That could make SS actually be DT's half-sister. 
  1719. Who knows what kind of leverage Spoiled has on Spoon's mom, or whether sheer force of personality was enough to ensure obedience
  1724. >Be Anon.
  1725. >Today is Pinkie Pie's birthday.
  1726. >You are invited to her party because she invites everyone.
  1727. >Even you.
  1728. >You do your normal morning routine of getting dressed, showered, and excreion of bodily wastes.
  1729. >You leave your house and go to the party.
  1730. >Which is easy because she decided to have a human themed birthday party.
  1731. >At your house, obviously.
  1732. >You tried to stop her but she used her female privelieges.
  1733. >You would have tried to play the race card to get out of hosting the party in your house except that you lost it in a race with rainbow dash.
  1734. >So about now you have just finished stepping back into your house.
  1735. >In the short moment you were away it has been decorated in a variety of human pariphenalia.
  1736. >Pinkie is trying to wear a human clothes item called a shoe.
  1737. >It's different from regular shoes in that it is not metal or shoe shaped, and is instead made of leather and sort of fits around a human's foot.
  1738. >She's not wearing a sock because she's a decent pony who hasn't had enough to drink yet for that sort of debachuery.
  1739. >So you are still just reentering your house.
  1740. >This story doesn't have very much happening because writing is difficult when you don't feel that certain inspiration.
  1741. >"Hi Anon!"
  1742. "Hi Pinkie. Happy birthday."
  1743. >You forgot to get her a present but that's okay
  1744. >Pinkie is just happy to have you here.
  1745. >In your own house.
  1746. >Where she set up a party for the whole town without asking permission, just telling you on the invitation it was at your place.
  1747. >Fucking female privileges.
  1749. > All the ponies wobbling around on their hind legs
  1750. > Imitating how you talk, but badly
  1751. > Twilight has anatomical charts in the corner, happily lecturing anyone interested or nearby on the mysteries of the human body
  1752. > Pinkie has fake titties for mares to wear, hoping that you would like that 
  1753. > It just looks weird on the ponies, you've gotten used to crotchtits
  1754. > Pinkie sits in your lap for some reason, claiming it's an equestrian tradition for the birthday pony to sit on the lap of whoever they choose
  1755. > You see Rarity roll her eyes at that explanation, but you still want to try sitting on Celestia's lap when your birthday rolls around
  1756. > In the middle of the party, Pinkie looks up at you, a hopeful smile on her lips
  1757. > "Is this a little like your home?"
  1758. > You look around at all the ponies clumsily trying to be human, wearing Rarity's replicas of human fashions
  1759. > It occurs to you that Pinkie Pie used her birthday to try and bring back a little piece of Earth for you
  1760. > You scoop her up in a hug and squeeze her tight as she giggles
  1761. "Yeah. Thank you, Pinkie."
  1762. > She nuzzles up against you
  1763. > "You're welcome, Nonny."
  1767. >you still want to try sitting on Celestia's lap when your birthday rolls around
  1769. >Cellybelly's face when
  1771. >bullshit her by saying it's some ancient human tradition
  1772. >once (you)r in her lap, toss some line out that now that the mating ritual has begun, interruption or rejection will surely be nothing less than lethal for (you)
  1773. >enjoy the beauty that is the solar spaghetti storms for the rest of the evening
  1778. > Anon is a bartender at a Canterlot club
  1779. > Sees Twilight the unicorn acting nervous and shy
  1780. > He starts pouring drinks
  1781. > Twilight hesitantly orders a light beer, blushing and not meeting his eyes
  1782. > Anon hands her one, and a series of other drinks for her to try on the house
  1783. > Halfway through some mediocre sake from nippone, she asks him what the other drinks he's made are for
  1784. "They're for whoever drinks with you. It's a quick way to make friends."
  1785. > Several mares in the vicinity perk up at that, and wander over to talk
  1786. > Before long, Twilight is laughing and joking and making lopsided illusions for her new friends
  1787. > Forever after, she associates alcohol with making friends
  1788. > Celestia ends up having to teach her about proper liver maintenance, and spells to regenerate the damage she's doing
  1789. > The next year, Twilight is sent to Ponyville
  1790. > Nightmare moon waits in the castle of the two sisters
  1791. > She is confronted by six drunk mares, stumbling around and urging her to drink and let it all out
  1792. > Celestia is released some time later, only to find her sister and the elements of Harmony drawing cunts on the walls and giggling like foals
  1793. > She just sighs 
  1794. > It's going to be one of those centuries, she can tell
  1796. >Celestia eventually pieces together the story of Twilight's night on the town
  1797. >Realizes Anon was the reason for her unexpected social bloom
  1798. >She's happy for the filly, but she had plans for her too
  1799. >Decides to go undercover and meet Anon
  1800. >See for herself just who it is that influenced her student so much with just a few words and extra drinks
  1801. >So she hid her wings, changed her mane, and went out
  1802. >Moved through the nightly throng of ponies and sat down at the bar
  1803. >Looked up at the strange bartender, smiled, and ordered a cider to start the night
  1805. >The next thing she knew she was waking up hung over, out of disguise, and on top of a naked Anon
  1806. >In that first moment of lucidity, she wasn't sure if the fact she woke up with a probably-drunk colt was worse than the fact the sun was already up
  1807. >Meaning her sister had raised it while she was... out of commission
  1808. >Which also meant said sister was probably going to be expecting answers when she got back
  1809. >... yeah, right here on Anon's chest is looking to be a lot comfier now
  1810. >How about she just stays here for now?
  1812. >Over time, Anon ends up as a sort of unofficial "Royal Stress-Reliever"
  1813. >At first, Celestia would visit in disguise, get drunk, end up in bed with Anon, and wake up deeply satisfied the next morning, if a bit hungover
  1814. >Then she decided she wanted to "savor" their meetings more and stopped drinking quite so much
  1815. >Where they used to drink before a "meeting," now they talked
  1816. >And as time went on, they talked more and more
  1817. >Just a few months after going to Anon's was just for a quick fuck after a stressful day, now she found herself with a true friend many others would be hard pressed to match
  1818. >And what better place for such a friend than close by?
  1819. >She offers him room and board at the castle, and a standing invitation to serve as the bartender of the "Royal Lounge" during his stay
  1820. >Over the next few months, Celestia spends more of her free time in Anon's lounge than any one place
  1821. >When Cadance comes to visit and Celestia spends most of the time they were supposed to be spending unwinding after a long train ride/diplomatic mission talking to Anon, she dryly asks when the wedding will be
  1822. >They go quiet, neither of them really knowing how to respond to that
  1823. >They're pretty much best friends with each other, they've been intimate before, and, now that they think about it, they always seem to smile around the other, even if its just a bit
  1824. >Eventually manage out that there weren't any plans in place, but they wouldn't exactly be opposed to such a thing
  1825. >Behind her glass, Cadance smiles
  1826. >All according to keikaku
  1832. >You end up in RGRE
  1833. >Too bad you're still a loser with horrific social anxiety and you're stuck at that "Not exactly handsome but not repulsive" look, largely negating the benefits of being the fairer sex. There's really no place you fit in either. 
  1834. >Fuck this. You want to go home where things make sense.
  1835. >Reading up on some magic in the library yields little in the way of space/time manipulation.
  1836. >But apparently demons have no such limits. They can easily bypass such obstacles.
  1837. >So with a half baked plan, you summon a demon to barter your way back to earth with.
  1838. >And get a Succupony. 
  1839. >Literally the last one you wanted. 
  1840. >She's surprised. Rarely do Succuponies get summoned. But when they do...
  1841. >Before you can get a word in edgewise, she's dragging a mortified you to your bedroom.
  1842. >...And proceeds to criticize your form and performance, even going as far as to tutor you in the act. 
  1843. >It's only after you're totally spent and she's finally satisfied do you finally get to tell her why she was summoned.
  1844. >The Succupony thinks on it. She sympathizes some, but feels oddly responsible for you now.
  1845. >So she throws you a counter offer (read:says you're doing it her way as politely as possible.)
  1846. >She's going to guide you to being a mate worth having, and have you start a herd with her as your alpha, promising you a family and fulfilling life here after all is said and done.
  1847. >Because fuck standing around in Tartarus for another hundred years doing nothing. 
  1848. >...And even demons don't like the sight of a miserable male.
  1851. >Incubi are summoned mainly by lonely mares that can't score to save their lives, so they're seen as the de facto demons of lust
  1852. >succubi, on the other hand, are seen as demons of purer, more emotional love
  1853. >you know, colty stuff
  1854. >when Cadance ascended, there was a LOT of talk as to whether or not she was a succubus that was "purified" by Celestia, or something like that
  1855. >backroom gossip for the most part, but it persisted for years after her coronation
  1860. >Anon is an ancient, Lich-like being that was fuck-buddies with Princess Amore.
  1861. >Ponies being ponies, however, romanticised the whole thing, as well as ponifying him.
  1862. >Amore died after being crystalised by Sombra.
  1863. >Only old beings and those from the time, like Sun Butt, Moon Butt, and Discord, know the truth.
  1864. >When they hear of a strange, terrifying being entering Equestria's borders, they know who it is straight away from his description.
  1865. >Ponies expect a huge battle.
  1866. >Elements especially are geared up for a fight.
  1867. >Are surprised when they greet each other like old friends, hugging and that.
  1868. >Cadence meets her paternal ancestor, and he his descendant.
  1869. >Slight awkwardness there, though he finds it amusing that there are parallels.
  1870. >Amore was "coltish" and he "marish", and Shining and Cadence are the same.
  1871. >Ponies can't wrap their head around that dark =/= evil.
  1872. >Especially when Lich-Anon has a sarcastic, cynical Amore as a ghost anchored to him
  1877. >Twilight tries to send Anon back home, but he ends up in RGREqG
  1878. >She tries again, but this time he ends up in RGR Animequestria Girls
  1879. >These versions of the Mane Six all look intimidating, but they're actually just as nice as their canon counterparts.
  1880. >However they keep ending up in situations that make them look like violent gang members.
  1881. >This means all the boys in their school are afraid to go near them, let alone date them.
  1882. >That is, until Anon ends up going to their school
  1884. >Cheerilee-sensei is concerned for Anon-kun’s safety 
  1885. >He’s such a promising student, but he’s always hanging around those delinquent girls!
  1886. >The weirdest part is that they actually seem to LISTEN to him!
  1887. >Applejack doesn’t smoke on the roof during lunch period anymore.
  1888. >Rainbow Dash and Rarity don’t wear as many piercings
  1889. >Twilight’s ruthless ambitions to become student council president have been softened.
  1890. >Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy have stopped bringing party supplies and animals respectively to class.
  1891. >The most resistance they give Anon-kun is some light grumbling and blushes!
  1892. >Cheerilee-sensei shakes her head in awe.
  1893. >Truly, Love is a powerful force
  1895. "You shouldn't smoke applejack."
  1896. >"Sorry to disappoint sugarcube, but ah want to smoke and ah do what ah want."
  1897. >To punctuate her point Applejack pulled a cigarette out and up to her lips.
  1898. "I won't kiss you anymore."
  1899. >The lighter stopped cold half way up to her face.
  1900. >"W-What?!"
  1901. "I don't like the taste of cigarettes, so if you keep smoking then I won't kiss you anymore."
  1902. >Applejack's eyes widened as two titan forces were locked in gladiatorial combat in her head.
  1903. >Addiction vs. Libido
  1904. >"B-but I...I..."
  1905. "Tell you what, if you stop smoking I'll kiss you twice as much as I do now."
  1906. >Applejack began to sweat loudly.
  1907. "And if you can go a whole month without smoking, I'll give something 'special' ok?"
  1908. >Libido held Addiction's severed head up in victory.
  1909. >"DEAL!"
  1910. >Applejack spat the cigarette out onto the ground and threw the lighter behind her.
  1911. >You grinned the grin of a man too smart for this world.
  1916. >Trixie is a genuine 10/10 in looks without even trying. When she can keep a lid on her temper and use her showbiz talking skills right, she's an 11/10. Even non-ponies are attracted to her.
  1917. >She's one of the few mares who doesn't have to overly work for dick. The truest equivalent to an earth Chad. 
  1918. >But normal stallions are starting to get a bit boring. They all seem the same and are too easy.
  1919. >She needs something new.
  1920. >Hold on, what's this? A Hyumane? She's never seen such a thing before...
  1921. >And it's a male.
  1922. >That's the day Trixie gets the worst shock of her life.
  1923. >The day she was casually turned down. "But we can be friends, though."
  1924. >Oh no. She's not giving up that easily. Trixie will have what she wants no matter how long it takes! Regardless of these odd, slowly growing feelings she's never experienced before
  1926. >Anon's friends see her for what she is
  1927. >Try to intercept her advances and keep her away from their friend and husbando
  1928. >When Trixie starts to show signs of her affections, one mare notices
  1929. >Tries to say that maybe she isn't as bad as they think she is
  1930. >Might even be the key to Anon's heart!
  1931. >Gets laughed out for thinking that an A C T U A L T R I X I E could develop genuine feelings for Anon, or that she'd share him with the others
  1932. >She leaves in a huff and is content to stew for a time, watching how things progress
  1933. >When Trixie starts to acknowledge her feelings, she approaches her and offers to help form a herd with Anon
  1934. >The two groups of mares then have to balance being friends with Anon, trying (and failing) to woo him, and sabotage the efforts of the other group
  1935. >Naturally, things go south pretty quickly
  1936. >Things come to a head and Anon demands to know why his Cool and Totally Platonic Friends™ are fighting eachother
  1937. >Either Trixie or the most softspoken mare goes "fuck it" and walks up and kisses Anon, saying that they all like him very much and she would very much appreciate it if he would at least give them a chance
  1938. >Pretty please?
  1944. >Anon is in his late 20s when he is inexplicably transported to horse girl high
  1945. >given a new chance to relive his teen years he uses his knowledge of stupid high school tropes to climb the social ladder
  1946. >though stupid his after school special-tier tactics see him soon atop the highest peak of popularity
  1947. >dating the hottest girl
  1948. >envy of all the lesser guys
  1949. >prom king two years running
  1950. >then out of nowhere this bitch Sunset pops up and is reusing his tactics to try and gain some clout quickly
  1951. >except she is fucking with the natural order
  1952. >backstabbing, rumormongering, turning his gf's sis's against each other
  1953. >despite being a total cunt she wins homecoming queen
  1954. >meaning your gf lost
  1955. >high school tropes demanded you drop your gf for her
  1956. >fuck that
  1957. >you take the hit and stay loyal
  1958. >you see she is suddenly obsessing over the prom queen's crown
  1959. >she steals your power
  1960. >she ruins everyone's happiness
  1961. >she breaks up your gf's group of friends
  1962. >she demands you date her
  1963. >she talks shit about you're waifu
  1964. >you're fucking mad, but not mad enough to be stupid
  1965. >when you're done that cunt will be a pariah in her own home
  1967. >Rarity was devastated 
  1968. >Not only did she lose her title, her friends, and her hard earned popularity
  1969. >But Anonymous...
  1970. >With clenched teeth she watched that smug fatherfucker approach 
  1971. >”Well Rarely looks like the best m- girl won. Can’t wait to claim my prize.”
  1972. >The peanut gallery chimes in with their boot licking 
  1973. >All you can see is all the patched uniforms, designed dresses, and bills covered.
  1974. >How quickly words of appreciation and admiration turn to jeers and barbs
  1975. >Your rage turned into a icy ball of fear in your stomach as you watch Anonymous finish speaking with Ms Cheerilee.
  1976. >On queue Sunshit offers the crook of her arm to your boyfriend.
  1977. >You close your eyes tightly.
  1978. >If you saw what was about to happen you would either rip the tits off of every cunt here or run crying.
  1979. >Both were equal in your mind
  1980. >”Better luck next year Rare bear.”
  1981. >The taunts were all the worse with the use of his gentle tone and pet name
  1982. >”Rarity it isn’t that serious, come on.”
  1983. >His large hand gently grasps your shoulder.
  1984. >You look up at him, the bright lights of the football field making a white halo around his head that’s almost as bright as his smile.
  1985. >”AHEM! Why are you talking with that has been whe-“
  1986. >Without the slightest response, Anon put his whole left hand on Sunset’s face and pushed her away.
  1987. "But darling, she won."
  1988. >”And she can fuck her crown for all I care.”
  1989. >You smile and escort your diamond in the rough to your car, all the negativity of the world forgotten
  1995. >Anon's taking a shower or something
  1996. >Shit, I don't know man
  1997. >Remembers Billy and Mandy
  1998. >nostalgiadrivesatfullcaptain.jpeg
  1999. >Starts singing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxSrDn3NReA [Open]
  2000. >Naturally, since this is Equestria, his voice reaches just the wrong pony
  2001. >Twilight is frozen in her tracks, just outside Anon's house on a not-so-regular walk
  2002. >This can't be right
  2003. >Her human friend can't really be the ancient Lord of the Dead Anytomous, can he?
  2004. >He was supposed to have been shattered by the princesses thousands of years ago, the fragments locked away in the deepest pits of Tartarus for an eternity!
  2005. >But just before he was shattered, he was said to prophecize his return
  2006. >Most villains and dark lords have a tendency to do that, her rational side tried to reassure her
  2007. >But lately a lot of those prophecies have been coming true, her not-so-rational side countered
  2008. >And what would the princesses do to him if Anon actually was Anytomous returned?
  2009. >He's been such a good friend, not just to her, but to nearly everyone!
  2010. >She didn't know if she could bear to put that smile in danger
  2011. >As Twilight continued to have her crisis of conscience, Anon finished his trip down memory lane and continued washing his hair
  2012. >For all the girly shit Anon's had foisted on him since getting here, he just can't bring himself to knock the shampoos
  2013. >He never knew hair could be this soft before!
  2019. >Ever since those... those THINGS had showed up, Twilight had been on edge
  2020. >True, they hadn't done anything big yet, but they were a group of draconequii!
  2021. >Surely it was only a matter of time
  2022. >Someday they'd stop there little... whatever it is they do and turn their eyes toward the rest of Equestria like Discord had
  2023. >Twilight shuddered
  2024. >Sometimes she's sure she could hear the particles screaming around them
  2025. >And no matter how many times they said they weren't like Discord the "Normie," she would be ready
  2026. >Ready to defend Equestria, her friends, and her sanity
  2027. >And also ready to jump down their bucking throats about that bucking name
  2028. >It's CHAOS, not CHOAS
  2036. Celestia falls in love with anon and proposes to him at the grand galloping galla 
  2037. > Anon barely knows her outside standard greetings and out rights rejects her
  2038. > Anon becomes shunned from rejecting the ruler
  2040. >Celestia, understandably, decides to sulk for a few days
  2041. >Its not every day your husbando decides to reject you
  2042. >A few days and about a hundred pounds of mysteriously vanishing cake later, she decides to visit Anon and set things straight
  2043. >No hard feelings and all that
  2044. >He said he didn't really know her? Fine, but she wasn't going to give up so easily 
  2045. >If he'd let her, then she will show him just the kind of pony she is
  2046. >And besides, she's been looking around for a reason to ditch some of the more tedious aspects of her workload for some time now
  2047. >If she can do that while getting to know -really know- her humanbando, even better!
  2048. >So she throws on a disguise and pops on down to Anon's house... only to find it abandoned
  2049. >Quite quickly, it seems
  2050. >Asks the landlord where Anon went
  2051. >Gets an earful and a half of "How dare that bucking monkey turn down our lovely princess why I oughta buck him into next YEAR" and shit like that
  2052. >Oh dear
  2053. >It seems her ponies weren't exactly happy with Anon right now...
  2054. >They ran him out of his house, and maybe even out of Canterlot entirely
  2055. >That might... complicate things...
  2056. >After some time, she manages to track him down again
  2057. >Living in some shitty little town in the middle of nowhere with griffins, minotaurs, a few changelings, and even a zebra
  2058. >And so Celestia has to win the heart of her husbando while in disguise, and undo the damage that night at the Galla caused on both sides for the day when he would (hopefully) join her back in Canterlot after she drops the disguise and tells him the truth
  2059. >Oh, and hope he doesn't freak out when he realizes he's been dating Princess Celestia for however long, arguably the cause of all his recent misfortune in addition to all the other stuff that makes her unapproachable
  2060. >All that in what amounts to her (very limited) free time
  2061. >No pressure
  2063. >Anon easily sees through Celestia's silly pony attempt at a disguise.
  2064. >Fuckin' pissed that he got chased out of town.
  2065. >Passive aggressively pretends he doesn't know it's her for months.
  2066. >>The few friends he had in Canterlot send him letters throughout this time.
  2067. >He falls for the cute gryphon mail girl.
  2068. >Disguised Sun Butt actually thought she was getting somewhere with Anon at this point.
  2069. >Anon asks out mail gryphon.
  2070. >She says yes.
  2071. >Celly realizes Anon has been playing her the whole time around this point.
  2072. >FFFFFFF-
  2073. >Mad
  2074. >If what she's been doing the last few months couldn't be considered stalking then what she was about to do certainly could be.
  2075. >Something something RGRE.
  2078. >Gryphons are a proud, nationalistic bunch
  2079. >Even those that live in Equestria
  2080. >Been rivals with the ponies for as long as anyone can remember
  2081. >So when the mail-bird was told by Anon that Celestia herself had her eyes on him, she was sorely tempted to pack up their things and fly straight to Gryphonstone, even if she had to tie Anon to her belly to take him with her
  2082. >But instead, an even better opportunity presented itself
  2083. >"Sunny Smiles," as she was calling herself in their little town, wasn't actually that disagreeable
  2084. >Cute, smart, and the FUCKING PRINCESS OF EQUESTRIA
  2085. >She was even friends with the delivery-bird, though things are a little rocky between them at the moment for obvious reasons
  2086. >In fact it was probably Anon's bitterness and preconceived notions that kept him from getting along with her
  2087. >That little problem could be fixed, if necessary
  2088. >And it'd have to be, since only one thing could be more glorious than whisking away the unique male that had, apparently, stolen the Sun's heart
  2089. >And that would be starting a herd/flock/whatever with the three of them
  2090. >With the delivery-bird as the alpha
  2095. "Yo ho, haul together..."
  2096. > There is a legend of a stoney, barren island
  2097. "Hoist the colours high"
  2098. > Ship captains are warned to steer clear
  2099. "Heave ho, thieves and beggars..."
  2100. > Some foolish or brave ignore the warnings
  2101. "Never shall we die."
  2102. > Those that venture close are lured by a seductive baritone calling across the waves
  2103. "Le'ssee here, what's next, um..."
  2104. > Before their eyes, the island shimmers into a paradise
  2105. "Oh yeah, haven't sung this one in a while."
  2106. > There, the sailor mares meet an incredible beauty, a bronze god of temptation
  2107. "Let me bring you songs from the wood~"
  2108. > They would eat of the lavish food prepared by unseen servants
  2109. "To make you feel much better than you could know."
  2110. > As Celestia's sun would set, they would partake of forbidden, divine delights
  2111. "To make it something something from tip to toe,"
  2112. > As the days turned to weeks, some of the crew begin to sleep longer, becoming weaker and weaker
  2113. "Hold steady as you join the chorus if you can,"
  2114. > Until the last mare falls into eternal slumber on that cursed island
  2115. "It'll make of you an honest, ma~a~n!"
  2116. > All the finery, the exotic plants and animals, all the food and spirits vanish
  2117. "Songs from the wood! Something something, flute solo!"
  2118. > All that is left is the bronze god, calling out across the waves
  2119. "Man, I am terrible at remembering songs."
  2120. > Be Anon, stuck on a magic island
  2121. > You are bored out of your skull, but at least singing makes things real for a little while
  2122. > Now, if only the small horses would land for once, instead of crashing on the rocks, you could get out of this mess
  2127. >Equestria isn't a post-scarcity society, but its pretty damn close legally speaking
  2128. >Free food for all, and shit like that
  2129. >Actually really fucking clever with that, since most of the citizens -ponies and those like them- can simply graze, there actually haven't been many people actually use this benefit
  2130. >They get the good press without actually needing to feed a lot of people for free
  2131. >Until Anon shows up
  2132. >Decides to be like Diogenes and just live wherever
  2133. >With the literally manageable weather and the free food, its not a bad idea
  2134. >So he packs up a few things and hits the road, destination unknown
  2135. >At first, ponies were a bit weirded out, but intrigued
  2136. >Then some noble mare realized what he was doing, and said that someone needed to find the "whimsical colt" before he was hurt, take him home, and make a "proper colt" out of him
  2137. >Some places agree, while others see him as something of a circus and prepare a small stockpile of food for when the "Monkey Philosopher" comes to town
  2138. >Eventually this reaches Celestia's ears
  2139. >Decides that, what the hell, she's got some free time and she's been wanting to meet Anon anyway since a few of his works grabbed her attention
  2140. >Might as well see if this is actually anything to be concerned about and meet him at the same time
  2146. >Anon pops into happy horse land as a teen
  2147. >Decides to get a job for some extra dosh
  2148. >About to apply to the Cakes' new bakery when a panicked Carrot Cake begs you to watch Pinkie while he picks up an order.
  2149. >At a far higher price point than sweeping up was going to bring you
  2150. >So you eagerly accept to watch the poofy pink superball
  2151. >Hijinks later Carrot returns, stunned to find the upstairs of the bakery in the same condition he left it in.
  2152. >Thinking something is wrong he bursts into Pinkie's room to see Anon throwing some toys in a chest before he throws a terrified look to Pinkie's bed.
  2153. >Where she is sleeping quietly
  2154. >After some wild gesturing that Carrot believes to equate to "Shut the buck up, for the love of Celestia" he slowly backs out of the room
  2155. >A few minutes later Anon comes down the stairs and is given more than double what he was promised and a request to return next week.
  2156. >Almost drooling at the prospect of cash he forgets entirely what he just went through and agrees.
  2157. >The next time he goes to gossip with the fellas Carrot will have to tell them about Anon
  2158. >Maybe recommend him for a job or four
  2163. >Passive alicorn magic makes it so it's literally impossible to see them in a sexual/romantic light, meaning at most they're considered beautiful like a mountain.
  2165. >The sole exception to this magical cunt-stunt is, obviously, their soul mate. So when Anon offhandedly says that Celestia's looking good today, she gets a little... excited.
  2167. >And Luna, too. Because reasons
  2173. >before talks REALLY broke down, canterlot was something of a playground for changeling queens
  2174. >barely grown and completely convinced of their own indestructibility, they were a terror to behold
  2175. >Chrysalis alone has an entire filing cabinet full of mugshots
  2177. >Chrysalis is EXTREMELY proud of her filing cabinet.
  2178. >She breaks out the mug shots whenever she has company over
  2179. >Most ponies are uncomfortable
  2180. >Most stallions are horrified
  2181. >Anon, though...
  2183. "Ha, you looked ridiculous covered in all that cum! How many stallions did it take, 5? 10?"
  2184. >"Closer to 20! If you thought that was good, you gotta see this one!"
  2185. >Meanwhile, an extremely uncomfortable Princess Twilight Sparkle sits next to you
  2186. >She had invited you to come with her on a diplomatic mission, convinced that familiarizing you with other cultures would help reign in your coltish whimsy.
  2187. >This, though?
  2188. >"Anon, maybe we should call it a night? I'm sure Chrysalis has lots of important things to do, and I'm sure that you are getting a little hungry..."
  2189. "Nonsense, Twiggles, I haven't had this much fun since arriving in Equestria!"
  2190. >"My dear, naive Twilight, We've only just gotten started! Besides, my hive can run itself for a few hours. Now, where was I?"
  2191. "You mentioned something about a pineapple trick?"
  2192. >"Oh yes, that one! What a day that was!"
  2193. >Twilight sighs in resignation.
  2199. >Anon was fortunate enough to arrive in equestria with his backpack, which contained a solar charger, a tablet full of human cartoons, a switch/handheld console etc
  2200. >Decides to share earth media with ponies
  2201. >Stallions won't shut up about how great it is because it has so many male characters and portrays a male dominated society
  2202. >then won't shut up about how terrible it is because men are the butt of all the jokes
  2203. >regardless, human media becomes a big hit and mares husbando the characters
  2204. >/hume/ board set up on 4hoof
  2205. >walk in on AJ using a Rolf bodypillow
  2206. >Dash won't shut up about Vegeta and gets butthurt whenever Bulma gets brought up
  2207. >The upside is that it proved that Anons from a ngr society
  2208. >the downside is that incel mares and basement dwellers are now attracted to anon for being from a ngr society
  2209. >Half the mares Anon dates expect him to do everything and beg for sex and get butthurt and entitled when he doesn't
  2215. >Anon is not just a man, but he is a fighter 
  2216. >Despite being born in a peaceful age with less civilized weapons his warrior spirit rages on
  2217. >Through self training he became a Spartan lost in time and forced to only live out his dream in fiction
  2218. >Until one day he finds himself in Equestria
  2219. >Finally a world where the sword rules again
  2220. >Sure there are magic and monsters too, but this is his chance to prove himself
  2221. >Except he is refused that chance at every turn
  2222. >Mares get mad whenever he fights monsters
  2223. >The Mane 6 refuse to let him join in on their adventures
  2224. >He attempts to join the Equestrian guard only to find out they are eye candy 
  2225. >Every time he goes to any fight club no one is willing to fight him.
  2226. >With his honor on the battlefield denied Anon realizes he has only one option left.
  2227. >If he isn't allowed to fight on the side of good, then he will fight on the side of evil.
  2229. >Off in the far distance Queen Chrysalis feels a disturbance in the force.
  2230. >The Princesses just made a very powerful enemy.
  2231. >With an ally like that her legion of doom would finally be enough to take over Equestria!
  2238. >Anon poofs into Equestria
  2239. >Stays at the palace for a time
  2240. >Gets to know SunBuns
  2241. >Makes a few friends
  2242. >Everything's good
  2243. >Until he meets Luna, that is
  2244. >As soon as they're in the same room, she goes ramrod stiff, sniffs the air a few times, and full-body tackles Anon, demanding how he "has IT"
  2245. >CellyBelly manages to pry her off, asking why she's acting like a madmare all of a sudden
  2246. >She's practically frothing at the mouth now, but Luna manages to get out that Anon's head is FULL of magic
  2247. >Dream magic, specifically
  2248. >Since she's pretty much the only one that uses it, she thinks he's somehow stolen it from her
  2249. >Celestia's less than pleased that her sister just tried to murder her new friend, but she can't dismiss it out of hand either
  2250. >Crazier shit has happened
  2251. >So, she puts Luna in time-out for a bit just to make sure she doesn't straight up murder Anon, while asking for a scan on him to determine if anything's changed since his first scan when he appeared
  2252. >She gets it, and it seems nothing's changed
  2253. >Though, now that she's looking for it, he does seem to have an unusually dense cluster of magic in his head
  2254. >Something something Humans use our dreams to change the world
  2255. >Something something RGRE
  2256. >Something something a slightly-mollified Luna becomes the arch-typical stalker as she tries to figure out how Anon got "her" magic and if he's doing anything dastardly with it that would warrant a hoof through the skull
  2257. >Something something all the ponies think she's acting like some colt from an animare and just likes Anon but doesn't want to admit it
  2263. >For Equestrians, the more magically potent you are, the less fertile you are.
  2264. >(Kind of a cosmic balance thing, so that there aren't thousands of superlazerhorses running around. Or Draconequii...)
  2265. >Getting around this requires a heaping helping of luck, combined with perseverance.
  2266. >Or magic hax 
  2267. >The Crystal Heart is suspected to be the real reason that Flurry Heart was conceived so easily.
  2269. >Despite being humanized after going through the portal, Shimmy is still a pony deep down, and she was a powerful enough unicorn to be Celestia's student.
  2270. >She figured getting pregnant wasn't going to be something that 'just happened' when she wasn't paying attention, but something she'd actually have to put time and effort toward accomplishing.
  2271. >Instead she won the baby lottery, certainly a cause for celebration back in Equestria.
  2277. > Anon has developed a new redemption technique
  2278. > After meeting several reformed villains, he realises that most of their problems are centered around loneliness and frustration
  2279. > The next time a villain shows up, he walks up to them and starts making out
  2280. > The evil mare stops her golem army
  2281. > Revenge can wait, she's getting lucky with some hot guy
  2282. > Twilight is fascinated by this new friendship magic
  2283. > Writes to Sunset Shimmer about the magic of Friendship with Benefits
  2284. > She ends up talking Sunset into trying it out 
  2285. > The only villains around right now are the depowered sirens, a fairly safe starting point
  2286. > Sunset goes for the kiss, but she can't do it
  2287. > Mama didn't raise no dyke
  2288. > R-right?
  2294. >/k/ marching gleefully into the most inhospitable forests of Equestria to get themselves mythological monster pelts and meat
  2295. >/k/ would tame the beasts of the Everfree to use them to hunt the other animals of the Everfree
  2296. >Implying they wouldn't just fuck them all
  2297. >/k/ emigres act like /k/ innaquestria
  2298. >their waifus universally have a thing for warrior males
  2299. >/k/ommandos are like live action Xenas and Amazons for equestrians
  2301. >/K/ captures, tames, hunts with, and fucks griffins en mass
  2302. >the rest of pone world watches on in confusion as the usually oh-so-proud griffins take being the target of what is basically slave raids lying fown
  2303. >some are even seen flying TOWARDS known human "hunting" grounds
  2304. >whenever someone tries to stop them, they only mumble "m-muh husbando is finally here"
  2311. >Anon in reversed EQG.
  2312. >Before coming to canterlot high, Anon main thing was abs on a girl.
  2313. >When he first came here, he was delighted at first, until he discovered the truth.
  2314. >Turns out most men hated muscles on their women.
  2315. >So most women don't get muscles in the first place.
  2316. >Anon thought it was going to be shitty Earth 2.0.
  2317. >Until he runs into Rainbow Dash, who has a chiseled six pack
  2323. > Be Anon, going to the police
  2324. > The officer is distinctly unsympathetic
  2325. > "And what did she make you do, sir?"
  2326. > You sit in the chair, staring at your hands
  2327. "She made me stand still as she molested my butt."
  2328. > The officer raises her eyebrow
  2329. > "Is that all?"
  2330. > You glare at her
  2331. "The entire train ride. I felt so dirty, so used. And she called me filthy names the whole time."
  2332. > The officer sighs
  2333. > "Do you have a marefriend?"
  2334. > You have a sinking feeling
  2335. "That doesn't matter! I was mind controlled and molested!"
  2336. > She actually laughs
  2337. > Laughs!
  2338. > "That's cute. Tartarus, colt, most ponies have been made to give oral by your age, not to mention mares stealing seed from stallions. Must be a real soft world, where you come from."
  2339. > You can't believe what you are hearing
  2340. > How can something as terrible as mind control be so common that the police just shrug it off?
  2341. > You stand up, shaking your head
  2342. "Fuck you, and fuck this place."
  2343. > You stride to the door, violence brewing in your heart
  2344. > "Stop."
  2345. > The word is accompanied by a slimy feeling seeping into your head
  2346. > You freeze, hand on the doorknob
  2347. > Hoofsteps come up behind you, and a hoof squeezes your ass
  2348. > "I can see why she did it, you have a nice body. Now, would you kindly go home quietly like the cute little colt you are?"
  2349. > You seethe with impotent anger as your body carries out her instructions
  2350. > You are not cute
  2351. > You are not a little colt
  2352. > You are a man!
  2353. > A big, angry man!
  2355. > Be officer Chips In, still reading Anonymous' mind
  2356. > Even when he's angry, he's super adorable
  2357. > You might just have to visit him every once in a while, just to see that cute little scowl
  2363. >Anon, bored in the mpire and constantly being nagged by Cadence for being too marely, finds an old picture of a hot mare while rummaging in his guest room.
  2364. >She's also a hypocrite, given she's the stallion and Shining, the mare in their marriage.
  2365. >Whacks off to it regularly.
  2366. >Turns out it's Princess Amore, Cadence's ancestor.
  2367. >Anon's jerking the turkey actually summons her ghost, which is half-batshit insane from being silent and unseen for so long since Sombra crystallised and shattered her to death.
  2368. >Is soothed back into rationality.
  2369. >Anon finds himself involved with her.
  2370. >What history skimped out on was that she was very colty.
  2372. Possible branches:
  2373. >She's just a ghost, and everyone is horrified that ghost-Amore is getting it on with a very accepting Anonymous. Candy Butt can't get over this.
  2374. >She actually possesses Cadence from time-to-time, and uses her descendant as a meat-puppet/new body to have a new chance of life with Anon. (Waking up in Anon's bed, etcetera).
  2375. >She stealthily merges with Cadence, becoming a voice in her head that influences her.
  2376. branch 4: twilight and celestia are all on board with their good friend finding someone, even if their not completely normal, neither were they, so celestia gives the go ahead for twilight to try to make a flesh golem, in twilights... zellous fun with reclass abandon, she makes a perfect body, and is sad that she won't get to do it again, ancestor has a great idea that if the bodies could live on their own, she could use a few spares of different sizes and shapes. 
  2378. to cadences horror, her ancestor is in a new body, but that's not the horrific thing, no, the fact she looks like a pony franken fran, and regularly attaches parts or swaps bodies is what gets them 
  2380. A morbid prank they she likes to pull is with a blood pinata body in the shape of a pegasus. when diplomats of descendants she didn't like come by, she gets in, and flies at to speed and crashes reclassly, usually caking the diplomat in gore. meanwhile she becomes invisible losing her shit at the clusterfuck she spawned.
  2382. Horse head opens her eyes in the morning, gives seductive look and says "last night was amazing" to the now pants shitting dignitary
  2384. No, the dignitary wakes up to see her, and see her under the covers, 
  2385. "Last night was amazing"
  2386. >He smiles
  2387. >He is ready for round 2
  2388. >Lifts the covers
  2389. >The head is severed and bloods everywhere
  2390. >She looks down
  2392. >The body get sup
  2393. >Crashes into fucking everything
  2394. >Staff come in
  2395. >They act casual
  2397. >The blood is everywehre
  2398. >It hits the window
  2399. >The maids sigh and clean this up
  2400. >"Bucking every tuesday"
  2401. >No one talks to the dignatary
  2402. >The head no longer moves
  2409. >Get ported to RGREqG and reverted to a teen.
  2410. >Getting set-up sucked. It was good luck you found a little shop willing to hire a teen with no ID after only a few days. Your boss, a nice older lady, let's you crash in the back. 
  2411. >Fuck Child protective services. You're not going with those cocksuckers. You'll do this on your own like you always have, backwards world be damned. 
  2412. >One day, this gorgeous woman walks in. While you're helping her, she asks why she hasn't seen you at the school. 
  2413. >Shit. Busted. 
  2414. >Give her a half truth and say you're a drifter orphan. 
  2415. >She shakes her head, saying that just won't do and that she'll be back after your shift to pick you up.
  2416. >She shows up as expected with some enrollment paperwork for her school and the offer of her guest room. 
  2417. >That's how you got taken in by Principle Celestia.
  2418. >Oddly enough, Celestia isn't married or even dating someone. You think that's just weird with how beautiful she is. 
  2419. >Oh, you said that out loud and she's blushing. 
  2420. >That means she likes it at least some, right..? And she's not taken...
  2421. >Hmm...
  2422. >The school that's 90% thirsty teen girls is nice, but you know your mission.
  2423. >Corrupt your pure principle and giver her that sweet, taboo lewd.
  2430. >Get settled in RGREqG.
  2431. >Get enrolled in school without meeting Celestia first.
  2432. >The main characters gravitate towards you without even trying. No idea if that's a good thing or bad.
  2433. >They're actually good friends.
  2434. >Keep talk about yourself limited to you don't accidentally incriminate yourself.
  2435. >They eventually piece together that you're more or less broke and homeless. 
  2436. >Shit.
  2437. >The parents hear and are appalled that a teen boy who is friends with their daughters is living alone.
  2438. >If you were a girl it would be different, but it's just too dangerous for a boy to be alone nowadays.
  2439. >You're shanghaied into living with one of the girls and slowly cycling through them all on repeat.
  2440. >Things get awkward with your ingrained normal (to you) genders roles and being around girls that you flirt and joke with at school 24x7 now.
  2441. >Someone is going to lose control and it's going to result in lewd. Who breaks first, you or one of them, no one knows.
  2443. >Having to avoid Zephyr's attempts at hairstyling when you're staying with Fluttershy
  2444. >Learning to cook with Granny and Mac at Sweet Apple Acres
  2445. >More cooking with Ponk, especially baking.
  2446. >Leaving terrible smutty romance books where Twilight will find them
  2447. >Rarity finally has a male model to sew for, but you're doing your best to make it impossible for her to stay focused on her work.
  2448. >Leaving terrible smutty Daring Do fanfiction for Dash to find
  2454. >Anon lives and breathes martial arts.
  2455. >Its been his life since he was old enough to throw a punch.
  2456. >He knows over a dozen ways to kill a man with nothing but his pinkie finger.
  2457. >It's needless to say then, that he is not defenseless.
  2458. >Yet, no matter how much he says it, these girls won't stop trying to protect him like he's a newborn baby with osteoporosis.
  2459. >Stupid reverse gender role world with its rainbow humans.
  2460. >It's after one too many unintentional insults to his fighting prowess that Anon challenges Rainbow Dash to a spar.
  2461. >She's reluctant at first, what with her being a black belt, but the idea of pinning the hunk of man to the ground, pressing her tits to him while groping his muscles, overpowers the don't-hit-boys lesson her mother drilled into her skull her entire life.
  2462. >Besides, he's literally asking for it, so it's fine, right?
  2463. >It is not fine, and RD later has to explain (read lie) how she got that shiner.
  2464. >And the limp.
  2465. >... and the cracked ribs.
  2466. >Anon almost feels guilty.
  2467. >Maybe he should have went easy on her?
  2474. >Anon decides to volunteer with the Equestrian equivalent of Big Brothers Big Sisters
  2475. >Basically, young fillies and colts from troubled backgrounds are matched with adult mentors (usually but not always of the same gender) who help them develop as an individual.
  2476. >Anon applies and is interviewed for a volunteer position.
  2477. >The interviewer thinks he’s a bit rough around the edges due to his mareliness, but definitely has the right qualities to work with children.
  2478. >What other ponies fail to realize is that pony males do not equal human males.
  2479. >As a result many of the young colts Anon mentors grow up acting noticeably more like mares than stallions. Adding to this is the fact that Anon’s herd mares are definitely on the coltier side, leaving an impression on young minds.
  2480. >Even-tempered, pragmatic, straightforward and aggressive both sexually and otherwise. Nothing negative of course, just unusual.
  2481. >Year pass. Parents start complaining that Anon’s a negative influence on their sons.
  2482. >Many of his former ‘little brothers’ rush to his defense
  2488. >Moondancer is a virgin on purpose
  2489. >There's a myth that Starswirl was so powerful because he was a virgin
  2490. >Moondancer thinks if she can resist the temptations of the flesh for long enough, it will grant her superior magical abilities.
  2491. >Clopping doesn't count of course.
  2492. >And she has a human fetish
  2493. >But she never expected the mythical monkey people to actually show up, they haven't been seen in thousands of years or more.
  2494. >But suddenly here's Anon to tempt her away from the superpowers she's been working toward
  2499. >according to equestrian Manual of Mythical creatures, humans are docile creatures that mostly attacks as a form of self-defense. Supposed to be able to cure any illness instantly with a touch, The final astonishing ability as told in many legends is the power of their blood said to be able to increase one lifespan to hundreds of years and a strand of hair is capable of bring good fortune.
  2501. >kill or harm a human is said to cause uncountable curses and bad luck to the killer and to the place of death.
  2503. >curiously the creature is very popular among colts.
  2505. >Apple Bloom tells her family that she saw a human in the forest.
  2506. >AJ and Mac don't take her seriously.
  2507. >Humans are myths, she probably just saw a Sasquatch or something.
  2509. >Granny believes her though.
  2510. >She's seen some mighty strange things, livin' on the edge of the Everfree this many years.
  2511. >She knows better than most, that just cause something is crazy doesn't mean it didn't happen.
  2512. >As a matter of fact, the more impossible a thing should be, the more likely it is to be true when the Everfree is concerned.
  2514. >A human showing up is a good omen.
  2515. >One she doesn't intend to waste.
  2516. >She asks Bloom to show her the place where she saw it.
  2517. >The pair slowly make their way.
  2519. >If they're lucky, they'll be able to find a hair, take it to the First Apple Tree, and the harvests will be sure to be bountiful for many years.
  2520. >A bit of good luck, for her grandchildren, before she has to leave them.
  2521. >She may be the oldest pony in Ponyville, but she knows it won't be that way for too much longer.
  2523. >A terrible sound interrupts the matriarch's morbid musings
  2525. >A masculine shout of pain, fear, and anger.
  2526. >And a monsters roar
  2527. >And there, on the trunk of a tree, a fresh splash of crimson blood
  2534. >ponies think humans are cute
  2535. >naturally, this means they don't think they themselves are cute
  2536. >tfw you will never make a marely mare stutter and blush when you call her cute/beautiful/other terms of that nature because they aren't used to that
  2537. >you will never smile coyly as your group of stallion friends speculate back and forth just what it is you've been doing with your mare that's left her a giddy pile of smiles all day
  2538. >they will never refuse to believe that all it really is just a few hugs, kisses, and words of appreciation before they head out
  2545. > Ponyville has a new god
  2546. > Well, technically he's a human
  2547. > But clearly, Anon is a heavenly being sent to bless the lives of ponies
  2548. > He's so elegant and demure
  2549. > Communicating effortlessly and without words
  2550. > Baby foals smile as he walks by
  2551. > Even the cattiest of stallions is in awe of Anon
  2552. > Mares swear secret oaths in service to him
  2554. > Be Anon
  2555. > You thought it would be different here, but no
  2556. > You are still too shy to talk to anyone outside of faintly mumbled pleasantries
  2557. > Luckily you can usually get by with gestures, so it's not like you are helpless
  2558. > You just wish you could makes some friends for once
  2559. > The ponies here are really skittish, and are always watching you and muttering among themselves
  2560. > It makes it kind of difficult to approach anyone
  2561. > You stand outside Sugarcube Corner, wavering
  2562. > You really do want something sweet, but it's so full of ponies, and Pinkie Pie always makes a scene when she sees you around
  2563. > Just the thought walking into that den of overstimulation makes you shudder
  2564. > You feel a pony tap your arm with a wing
  2565. > You look down to see a yellow mare you think is Fluttershy
  2566. > "Um, Anonymous? Can I buy you something from the sugarcube Corner?"
  2567. > She understands!
  2568. > You feel a thrill of hope, and try to compose a suitable reply
  2569. > ...
  2570. > Thanks for- no,
  2571. > A bavarian cr- wait, do they even have Bavaria here?
  2572. > For that matter, where is Bavaria in  the first place?
  2573. > Oh no, you got lost in your thoughts, no doubt this mare is getting impatient with you, you should apologize
  2574. > You glance at her face, but she actually seems content to wait
  2575. > She just gives you a small, encouraging smile
  2576. > Okay, keep it simple
  2577. "Yes."
  2578. > Nailed it!
  2579. > The mare nods pleasantly
  2580. > "What should I get for you?"
  2581. > ...how do you say this?
  2582. "A don-"
  2583. > Wait,
  2584. "Like pudding, but-"
  2585. > You are bad at this
  2586. "With chocolate frosting."
  2587. > You bury your face in your hands
  2588. > This is why you don't talk to people
  2589. > "I understand. I'll just be back in a little bit with your bovarian creme."
  2590. > You watch the pegasus trot into the bakery, and feel a little better about things
  2592. > Be Fluttershy
  2593. > You knew the town beauty was quiet, but it wasn't until you gathered up the courage to talk to him that you realized why
  2594. > He reminds you a lot of how you were when you were younger
  2595. > At once, all the little things like avoiding crowds, or why he just stares at mares who try to hit on him, it all makes sense
  2596. > You resolve to help him make friends, and to help him grow like you did
  2597. > Even though you already used up most of your assertiveness just trying to talk to him
  2598. > ...
  2599. > You might need some help
  2606. >Shining Armor ain't no THOT
  2607. >He pledged himself to Cadance, and he has no plans to leave her.
  2608. >He loves her.
  2610. >Cadance had always assumed that they would expand into a herd at some point.
  2611. >She wanted Shiny all to herself for a while, she was greedy that way.
  2612. >But she figured it was inevitable.
  2613. >Not because it was "expected" of her or anything, because as a princess, nothing said she /had/ to do any such thing.
  2614. >But she actually wanted a herdsister at some point.
  2615. >She wouldn't say not to adding another stallion either, but even a princess can't get away with that. Unless the stallions turned out to be bi. Shiny isn't a homo horse, so that will have to stay a clop fantasy.
  2616. >It was just a matter of time until she felt they were ready for it, and then they had to actually find a good mare.
  2618. >Chrysalis is most assuredly /not/ a "good" mare.
  2619. >She's pretty much the definition of a "bad" mare.
  2620. >Cadance can tell that Shiny has conflicted feelings about the changeling queen.
  2621. >She's teased him enough about her to know.
  2622. >She has some conflicted feelings herself.
  2623. >Stupid sexy Chrysalis.
  2624. >The Princess of Love, being the lusty mare she is, can't help but wonder just how that transformation ability could be used and abused in the bedroom.
  2625. >And if Shiny hadn't considered that before, he certainly did now, after Candy teasing him about it when he was least able to deny what he thought about it.
  2626. >Cadance feels like she's crazy for even considering it.
  2627. >But again and again, she finds herself wondering whether bugbutt would make a good herdsister.
  2628. >If only the stubborn bitch would let herself get reformed instead of clinging to her villainy...
  2634. >Anon sings a beautiful rendition of Adele's Set Fire to the Rain without vomiting on stage.
  2635. >The crownd goes nuts, and Anon earns a hefty paycheck.
  2636. >Also a bonus, which was strange.
  2637. >Stranger that the mare who owned the venue was sniffling as she gave it to you, whispering "You poor thing."
  2638. >Anon starts noticing mares following him in public, but they keep their distance well enough, so they're better than the usual rabid fan.
  2639. >As a matter of fact, he saw one of those types running at him get tackled by one of his stalkers.
  2640. >He just walked the other way on that one.
  2641. >Little does Anon know that by singing that song, he has given mares the impression that he's had his heart broken by some wicked mare, and now has an Anon-Protection-Sqaud dedicated to keeping his fragile heart safe
  2648. >anon cant speak a word of equish but can easily understand pony body language
  2649. >abuses this to his advantage along with this being RGRE
  2650. >any angry sad or pone gets hugs and pats
  2651. >ponies know enough that he cant understand what their saying so they just let the but feelings melt away
  2652. >any villain that tries to fuck around in his town gets a nasty boop on the nose along with 5 minutes in the bad pone box
  2659. >humans are so viciously mundane that the magical ponies cant even see them... except the most furiously boring and bland among them.
  2660. >Only a few ponies at all can notice and talk to the weird two-legged apes that wander around, and all of them have to maintain their "blandness", or they loose the ability to notice them.
  2661. >Pie family is one of those families that could interact with them... all of them, exept the youngest...
  2662. >Pinkies randomness is just longing for the invisible friends she can no longer see.
  2664. >the pie family has a friendship/alliance/pact/thing with a nearby family of humans
  2665. >the pies are pretty much the only ponies in Equestria that can consistently see and interact with them
  2666. >in exchange for this companionship, each pie is assigned a bodyguard of sorts
  2667. >kinda like a guardian angel
  2668. >at first it was simply concerning when Pinkie couldn't see the humans, and thus wouldn't be granted a protector
  2669. >now that's she's an element, the sheer worry the rest of her family feels threatens THEIR ability to see their ancestral protectors
  2670. >they must temper their worries for Pinkie, or risk breaking the pact and losing their family's oldest friends 
  2671. And
  2672. >something something RGRE
  2673. >something something human spear-wives but not
  2674. >spearhusbands
  2676. >badlands or wherever place the pie family farms are is one of the most dangerous places in equestria outside of Everfree.
  2677. >Yet some pone can survive there practically without any supplies for generations,
  2678. >questioning the locals about survival tips however only ends in long-winded stories about rock farming and proper etiquette mixed together.
  2680. So far not a single investigator has unlocked the secrets of the uncanny survivability of the badland bores
  2682. >many ponies think that there's something wrong with the bores that keeps changelings away
  2683. >that they have some kind of "negative" emotional depth that drives them off
  2684. >like many others, this scientific theory is either unaware of, or refuses to acknowledge the existence of one Pinkamena Diane Pie
  2685. >but in actuality, it's quite the opposite
  2686. >while the changelings can't see them, they KNOW something else is there beside their boring would-be prey
  2687. >something that INTENSELY disapproves of them
  2689. >With the changelings reformed a new avenue of questioning has opened.
  2690. >Pony researchers interview the new changelings and find terrifying news.
  2691. >The place is viewed as haunted and the very air there is thick with disgust for any changeling that enters.
  2692. >In quiet voices they say that if a changeling enters and stays for too long they will never be seen again.
  2693. >When questioned if they have tried to enter after their reformation the changelings look at them like they were crazy.
  2694. >One interviewer was able to get a clear statement from a changeling that had entered before reformation.
  2695. >"I didn't stay long. Every move I made felt like I was being watched. Being judged. Like something was just waiting for me to make the wrong move. It was when I spotted the farm that the feelings around me suddenly grew so intense I became physically ill. I barely managed to stumble out of there with my life. If you offered me a million bits I wouldn't go back there. Heck if Princess Celestia promised to escort me I wouldn't go."
  2696. >The changeling looked shaken and said she wouldn't talk about it anymore and that the next drink was on the researcher
  2698. >Anon following Pinkie around all day.
  2699. >Oh shit something is falling!
  2700. >Grab Pinkies tail and start shaking it to warn her.
  2701. "My tail is twitching! Something is going to fall!"
  2702. >"Yeah right Pinkie."
  2703. >something falls right where she was standing.
  2704. >Ponies took her Pinkie sense seriously after that.
  2705. >Anon wishes she could still see and hear him like she used to, but is still happy to see her smile and safe.
  2707. >There are small, seemingly abandoned hamlets scattered through the badlands
  2708. >the doors and windows are strangely tall and narrow, even for minotaurs, as is the furniture within
  2709. >the hamlets are believed to be haunted, doors will open and shut unprovoked, objects move about when you're not looking
  2710. >lost ponies will occasionally try to take shelter, waking up to find a hot meal placed outside their door or being chased away by slamming doors and rattling pots
  2718. >In the Crystal Empire, hidden away deep underground, is Sombra's secret lair.
  2719. >Whether the evil king is truly dead, who can know?
  2720. >If he is not dead, he has surely been banished, for his hold on this world has been shattered.
  2721. >Without his will to anchor them, ancient spells begin to unravel.
  2722. >The Crystal Heart gives a sickly pulse at the dark magic that had been revealed.
  2723. >Alerting The Princess of Love of the problem.
  2725. >They were not prepared for what they found.
  2726. >They expected dark magic, dangerous artifacts, and records of heinous deeds.
  2727. >It was a shame that the subject matter was so dangerous and revolting, for his records of his experiments were thorough.
  2728. >As it was, very little could ever be allowed to see the light of day, the knowledge itself was dangerous to the unwary or in the hands of those with ill intent.
  2730. >His crimes were terrible.
  2731. >So terrible that the Crystal Ponies had blocked much of it from their memories in order to preserve their sanity.
  2732. >But many would consider the slumbering creature here to be among the worst.
  2733. >It was impossible, but the tome next to its prison confirmed it was true.
  2735. >Sombra had summoned a human.
  2736. >A feat that should have been impossible for one so corrupted, and next to impossible even for the pure.
  2737. >He recorded with sadistic glee, how he has tempted the man into his trap.
  2738. >With honeyed lies, offers of power, companionship, anything and everything he might desire.
  2739. >And then, when his guard was lowered, Sombra enslaved him. With chains of dark magic, he bent the human to his will.
  2740. >A creature of love and hope, born to run free. Reduced to an existence of hate and pain, forced into servitude to a tyrant.
  2741. >Coerced into acting nearly as evil as it's new master.
  2743. >But now those chains were fading.
  2744. >Sombra's magic was powerful, but without him their grip was weakening.
  2752. >Anon poofs into Equestria
  2753. >more specifically, into its past
  2754. >not a thousand years ago when Luna went nightmare
  2755. >and not just a few months before the present day
  2756. >more like somewhere in the middle
  2757. >for a time, he lived a good life
  2758. >made friends
  2759. >had fun
  2760. >even found love
  2761. >however, it seems as though it is not to last
  2762. >instead of Anon being magically "blank" as many had thought
  2763. >it is, in fact, quite the opposite
  2764. >he is the single most magically concentrated being in the world
  2765. >he can't actually use it -conventionally, at least- but all that power is still there
  2766. >once it was discovered, there were many theories as to the ways all this magic could have affected him
  2767. >but to him, there were only two that mattered
  2768. >one, is that is that he apparently doesn't age anymore
  2769. >one might ask how he never noticed that after however many years, but he just assigned it to a healthy diet and environment
  2770. >and the second...
  2771. >the second is that he is too... "bright," for lack of a better term, to have children now
  2772. >a regular pony simply can't handle it, as his late wife found out
  2773. >eventually he put his old-new life behind him, packed his bags, and moved out to a little cottage in the middle of the woods
  2774. >fast forward a few hundred years, and a village has sprouted up only a short distance away
  2775. >and, as is tradition almost as old as the village itself, they make sure to always pay tribute the forest's old Wise Man for the aid he has rendered over the years
  2776. >and this time, the duty has fallen to a certain pink little pegasus filly
  2777. >she was even lucky enough to be invited into the old Wise Man's home and told a tale
  2778. >though Anon was mindful of his visitor's young age and spun a tale of happier days, she caught notice of something she didn't quite understand until she was on her way back home
  2779. >he smiled, but he just... wasn't happy
  2780. >not really sad or unhappy as she knew it, but instead some kind of... not-happiness 
  2781. >this small revelation would stay with her long after she returned home
  2782. >a few years and a horn later, Cadance is traveling around Equestria
  2783. >Aunt Celestia says that the best thing a princess can do is know her people
  2784. >so she taught her a disguise spell, gave her this funny little card to pay for things with, and practically threw her onto a train heading for Manehatten
  2785. >that was a few weeks ago, and she's been having a blast ever since
  2786. >she's just seen so MUCH now!
  2787. >from the high-rises of Manehatten, to the praries of Appleoosa, to the great dry lakes of the Badlands, and even to the mysterious mountain ranges of the north
  2788. >but now...
  2789. >now she figures its time to get back to her roots
  2790. >to visit the little village in the woods where she was born
  2791. >maybe she'd even get to meet the Wise Man again
  2792. >surely he'd have some advice for an up and coming princess, right?
  2793. >once she had arrived, all she had to do was ask, and now she was once again carrying tribute to the old cottage
  2794. >she set the saddlebags down and, summoning her courage, knocked on the ancient door
  2795. >at first Anon was surprised to see an alicorn of all things on his doorstep, but recognized Cadance quickly enough and invited her in for another tale
  2796. >as the Wise man weaved a tale of great kings and queens only he knew of, an old and not-quite-so-old memory came to the front of her mind and combined
  2797. >she'd seen that look before
  2798. >that not-happiness
  2799. >first on the Wise Man, but then she realized she'd seen it on Celestia of all ponies as well!
  2800. >but why would the two strongest -and oldest- people she knew share such a look?
  2801. >just then, she felt a tingle in her cutie mark, and knew
  2802. >could this be a matter of the heart only she could solve?
  2803. >could this her first real test as a princess of love?
  2804. >could this be her destiny calling to her?
  2805. >something something she does some digging and realizes that the Wise Man is the same "Anon" that broke every single record of magical concentration centuries ago
  2806. >something something she realizes he can't have children
  2807. >something something "a stallion should never be barred from fatherhood"
  2808. >something something she realizes Celestia's probably in the same boat
  2809. >something something she makes it her personal goal from then on to get them together and "save" them from their self-imposed isolations
  2815. >Anon would like to think his status as a world-class masseuse is do to his many years practicing the art, but a part of him is begrudgingly willing to admit it's at least partially because he has hands.
  2816. >Still, minotaurs and gryphons have hands too, and he still beats them out, so there.
  2817. >From his humble beginnings at the Ponyville Spa, Anon has worked his way up in life through shear dedication... and a good word from Rainbow Dash, to become the personal masseuse for the Wonderbolts.
  2818. >Not only is the pay great, but he gets to travel all around the kingdom for free, making it a pretty sweet gig.
  2819. >Well, except for maybe one thing...
  2821. >"Ooooh, yes, Anon, right there," Spitfire moans as you dig a thumb into the cramped wing muscle.
  2822. >She hisses as the knot gives under the pressure, her wingtips twitching as she sighs.
  2823. >"I don't know how you do it, Anon, but only your magic fingers can get me this relaxed after a show."
  2824. You smile at the compliment and joke, "Ancient human secret."
  2825. >"Mmm, whatever it is, keep it up," she says as you pull your hands away, the massage done.
  2826. >She glances over her shoulder to look at you with half-lidded eyes.
  2827. >"You know, speaking of secrets, I'd keep it between us if you want to give me a happy ending," Spitfire comments, tail lifting and flicking to the side. "I'll even throw in a nice bonus on your next paycheck."
  2828. >Knowing it was coming doesn't stop the sigh from leaving your lips.
  2829. >Mares, as it turns out, are horndogs, and famous ones, just like the Hollywood big shots back home, seem to think it's perfectly okay to sexual harass those under their employ.
  2830. "Please don't take this the wrong way, Miss Fire, but I'd prefer if we kept things purely professional."
  2831. >"Ah come on, Anon, don't be like that. You know I got to talking with Fleetfoot; I know all about what those fingers can really do."
  2836. "Now you of listen littel deurp hoers. You of focusing on taste of enemies' fear, so you never be of off-course. Ponyal?"
  2837. >The little cross-eyed filly looked up at the combat gear clad human in something not quite, but clearly approaching awe
  2838. >With her eyes, it was difficult to tell
  2839. >Never the less, she nodded, sending her roaming eye spinning around in its socket
  2840. >"Yes, I understand Comrade Anon."
  2841. >The gas-masked human nodded and held out an arm, which the little filly quickly hopped onto
  2842. "Khorosho. Now, next target is being of capitalist wine hoers. Attack, distract, and escape with clear bottle."
  2843. >The filly nods, one eye tracking her indicated target while the other...
  2844. >Well, its trying at least
  2845. "Tri"
  2846. >Three fingers of the free hand rise
  2847. "Dva"
  2848. >One falls, and the filly opens her mouth, taking in a breath of the surrounding air
  2849. "Odyin..."
  2850. >Only one is left, and her gaze sharpens as she isolates the purple-purveyor-of-palliatives' paranoia, and her small-yet-strong legs tighten like a coild
  2851. "SEYCHAS!"
  2852. >The gray filly is off like a shot
  2853. >And nothing can stop her now
  2855. >You are Berry Punch
  2856. >And this has GOT to stop
  2857. >For the last few days, whenever you're about to head to the market with a new batch of your special brews, you're attacked
  2858. >That alone would be serious enough in such a (normally) safe place as Ponyville, but somehow that isn't the oddest thing
  2859. >Because you aren't attacked by a diamond dog, or a changeling, or a minotaur, or anything else that would, you know, make SENSE
  2860. >Instead, as far as you could tell, you were being attacked by birds
  2861. >Bucking B I R D S
  2862. >And not-quite-as-weird-but-still-very-weird was the fact that after an attack, without fail, a bottle of your new beet vodka was missing
  2863. >EVERY TIME
  2864. >If you didn't KNOW that that old shut-in Fluttershy couldn't hold her liquor worth a damn, you'd suspect her of using her "animal friends" to nick it
  2865. >But that vodka was strong enough that it'd knock her straight on her wings, so it cant be her
  2866. >Before you could continue your ruminations, it happened
  2867. >There was a ruffle of feathers, some... noise you couldn't identify, the clatter of -thankfully spelled- bottles falling on the ground, and you were on your back
  2868. >AGAIN
  2869. >But as the beat of wings grew fainter and fainter, you stared at the sky and finally decided
  2870. >Buck this
  2871. >You grabbed a bottle that had thoughtfully rolled up against your cheek, popped the cork, and started drinking
  2872. >If this is how things are going to be, you might as well save yourself a few bruises
  2873. >Now the only question is where you should leave your... tribute, you suppose
  2874. >Because you give up
  2882. >most ponies of Equestria see their ruler as an unflappable, level headed, mare's mare that can do anything she sets her mind to
  2883. >her rare close friends know her to be something of a jokester 
  2884. >her sister knows that she can be lazy in the most bizarre of ways, and has a bit too much of an appreciation for cake
  2885. >but only one person has been with her for it all
  2886. >one person knows just how weird her mind can get 
  2887. >the insecurities it can spawn, and the even weirder coping methods that come with them
  2888. >that person is Anon, and he knew that with times were ahead when he woke up to see his wife fellating a light bulb
  2889. >may whatever fucked up god that made horse-land have mercy upon it
  2890. >because Celestia's going through a midlife crisis
  2891. >again
  2898. >It's been a few months since Anon's arrival into Equestria, and he's settled down in a nice village called Ponyville
  2899. >Since such a short amount of time has passed, Anon still hasn't quite gotten over the "interspecies sex is a thing" hump, and ponies are not yet for sexual to him.
  2900. >Keyword: "yet"
  2901. >So, when one of his friends (and secret admirer) asks him if he's had sex with "anypony", Anon figures that she means "have you fucked a horse yet" and truthfully says that he hasn't
  2902. >This information spreads among Anon's peers, and they think that he has never had sex PERIOD
  2903. >Stallions are believed to be demure and innocent (just like my 1950s American TV shows), and none of his mare friends ever consider that Anon might have had sex with a human at some point in the past; they are blinded by their preconceptions over Anon's gender
  2904. >They just assume that his horse-virginity means that he's keeping himself pure until horsemarriage
  2905. >Now, Anon was already reasonable desirable among the ponies who knew him before this tidbit of unclear information came to light
  2906. >He is generally agreeable, low-maintenance compared to stallions, and has interests that are similar to those that most mares have, all of which make it easy for mares to relate to him
  2907. >And now that this recent discovery of his alleged virginity has been passed around, Anon's desirability has sky-rocketed
  2908. >Surely Anon's lack of sluttiness means that he just might be the type of male that a mare would want to bring home to meet her parents, right?
  2909. >Not only that, but what kind of mare doesn't want to fuck a virgin?
  2910. >Unknown to Anon, many of his mare friends now consider him pure as the driven snow and too innocent for this gay earth, and that they've set out to claim him for themselves before some other mare gets their hooves on him and "corrupts" him
  2911. >Cue mares attempting to court him with the intent of horsemarrying him
  2919. >Reverse Flurry Heart is SUPPOSED to grow up evil like all of the other alicorns aside from Princess Trixie
  2920. >That's how it works in Equestria 3. Everypony has to have the opposite alignment of their counterparts in Equestria Prime
  2921. >Anon, by raising Reverse Flurry Heart to be a good pony, is throwing the balance between both Equestrias off.
  2922. >Prime Flurry Heart grows up to be evil as a result of the multiverse trying to put things back into balance.
  2929. >The preparations were almost complete.
  2930. >The Changeling Queen was out of options
  2931. >This would be her last gambit
  2932. >If it failed, she didn't know what she was going to do.
  2933. >She needed power, she needed love.
  2934. >If she couldn't get them she wasn't going to last much longer.
  2935. >So it came to this.
  2937. >It was time to summon The Nameless One.
  2938. >Her mother had told her of him, long ago.
  2939. >The he was the father of Changelings, among others.
  2940. >That if the need was great enough, he could lend aid.
  2941. >But she had warned that the price would be high.
  2942. >What price he would demand, none knew but him.
  2943. >Whatever he wanted couldn't be worse than having to crawl back and beg her traitorous son Thorax, and those meddling ponies, for help.
  2945. >The ritual thankfully took only a spark of magic to activate.
  2946. >If it took much more, she wouldn't have been able to do it at all.
  2947. >She chanted the invocation, and hoped for the best.
  2948. >The candles were snuffed out, leaving the cave in utter darkness for a moment.
  2949. >Then the walls were bathed in a pale ethereal glow of shifting colors, and shadows danced in the runic circle.
  2950. >Laughter echoed as the shadows took shape.
  2952. >"Well well, it's been a while since any of you called home. Let me take a look at you."
  2953. >Chrysalis froze as two shadowy tendrils reached for her.
  2954. >They shouldn't be able to do that. The circle was supposed to contain whatever was summoned.
  2955. >But it didn't even seem to notice the barrier as it cupped her face.
  2956. >"No, this won't do at all."
  2957. >Warmth flowed through her.
  2958. >The gnawing hunger, her constant companion since her ignoble defeats, subsided.
  2959. >She was far from sated, but she was no longer starving.
  2960. >"There we go, now you don't look like you're about to fall over at least. That's on the house. Now, what can ol' Nameless do for you, my dear?"
  2968. >anon end s up claimed in sandzigger country by local fanatics.
  2969. >mistakes the local mares attempt at Tahharush for a happy cuddle-party.
  2970. >Gets told to wear a burka all the time, Anon mistakes it for a ninja suit and goes happily ahead.
  2971. >Some locals attempt to stone the harlot, anon just mistakes it for a rock-fight and wins.
  2972. >Foreign stallionists constantly try to "rescue" Anon from the raging sandzigger chaos around him, he just mistakes them for thieves and bandits and takes apprehends them to the local zebra warlords.
  2979. >Twilght Sparkle is not a virgin.
  2980. >This may come as a shock to those who knew her throughout her foalhood.
  2981. >Just as it was a shock when she became a princess.
  2982. >Incidentally, her ascension and loss of her V-card are related.
  2983. >Shortly after becoming a princess, a stallion approached Twilight and started sending some very strong signals.
  2984. >Even after Twilight completely sperged out and dropped a metric shit ton of spaghettie, the stallion stuck around for a date and followed the princess home.
  2985. >That night, Twilight became a mare for approximtly 30 seconds before the orgasms rendered her unconcious and she rolled off the bed.
  2986. >She was quick to tell her friends that she had finally met the one and that she was going to marry him.
  2987. >The next day, in fact.
  2988. >Her friends quickly peiced together a theory, and after some quick research, all but confimred it.
  2989. >The stallion had married, then divorced, three other very powerful mares prior to showing up in Ponyville, taking much of their money.
  2990. >Needless to say, they were quick to send him packing after pounding some sense into Twilight's head.
  2991. >Since then, stallions have come and gone, all trying to get a piece of the royal action from the princess of friendship.
  2992. >In comes Anon ready to woo his waifu, Twilight Sparkle, but first having to prove himself to her friends.
  2993. >How will he manage?
  2996. >Anon instantly assumed that his chances with a main character were nil and thus didn't even try.
  2997. >As such, he just became a more eye catching background character in Ponyville as he pursued more average mares, aided by RGR.
  2998. >Considering all the wild things that happen in Equestria, an alien settling quietly into town is hardly news worth noting.
  2999. >He's left to his devices, free to take stabs at romance and do his own side adventures.
  3000. >After her ascension and wild fling nearly turned divorce trap, Twilight starts to lose hope that she'll ever be able to settle. 
  3001. >Even once rational stallions act funny around her and at the least half-heartedly flirt with her like they can't help it.
  3002. >...Is this why Celestia and Luna are still alone?
  3003. >But Cadence was able to settle. Why can't she?
  3004. >It's because of her brother, Twilight realizes. Shining Armor is so far removed from what a normal stallion is, though. Cadence had to go to HIM and not the other way around. 
  3005. >Following that logic, an independent, unusual, and patient stallion is the way to go.
  3006. >But nearly every stallion in town has tried to flirt with her, and the ones who haven't like the married Mr Cake are obviously off limits.
  3007. >Wait...
  3008. >Anonymous, one of the towns few non-ponies hasn't even bothered to talk to her sans passing greetings.
  3009. >And with how he can bee seen coyly leading a lovestruck mare into his grasp on rare occasions, his herd is obviously open.
  3010. >Even more strangely, Rarity's gossip network never seems to feature the human or his small herd's problems. It's as if they just don't have any.
  3011. >In Twilight's head, a plan starts to form
  3019. I'd love to read a story where ponies are afraid of Anon because of his omnivore status, but in a way that doesn't necessarily delve into predator/prey stuff. Just light-hearted "fuck's sake, AJ, I can't believe you're afraid of a little colOHSHIT HE'S LOOKING AT ME ABORT ABORT I CAN FEEL MY TEATS TWISTING AS WE SPEAK"
  3021. >Anon goes out in public to eat salad and exaggeratedly moan about how delicious these vegetables are
  3022. >Has to make a big show of appreciating Applejack's apple pies when he buys them (taking a bite right then and there) just to calm her down enough to accept his bits
  3023. >Carries around carrots with him wherever he goes; partly to give snacks to ponies to calm them down, and partly to munch on and loudly emphasize how tasty these not-meat foods are to him
  3025. >Ponies are uncomfortable with Anon's diet, but they still try to help him
  3026. >"Don't be so mad at the poor colt, he can't control what he is."
  3027. >Rainbow Dash is a good enough friend to arrange meat delivery with her friend Gilda, fresh from the Griffon empire
  3028. >Rainbow Dash, green-faced and dry-heaving, delivers a package to Anon's house every month or so
  3029. >Anon rewards her with cuddles
  3036. >Sirens, even in human form, still exhibit plenty of their sea-monster behaviour
  3037. >Anon just wants to go about and do his daily chores, but Sonata just HAS to make sure everyone around them knows that Anon is off the market
  3038. >Whether this be by protectively and possessively clutching at him in public or by rubbing his face in the nape of her throat so that he gets her scent on him, Sonata is determined to protect her mate
  3039. >Also, she sometimes gives Anon shiny rocks that she finds on the ground, true to her fishy nature
  3041. Maybe not that last one, but I remember nature documentaries where creatures (mostly birds) decorate a nest or give their mate shiny objects as gifts to attract them. It creates and adorable as fuck image in my head of Sonata and/or the rest of the sirens decorating their house with colourful blankets and shiny objects and then inviting him over.
  3042. >"I've got the couch covered in a bright blue blanket, and I attached streamers to the corners of every room in the house. And now that I've got my collection of geodes on display right there on the coffee table, there's no WAY Anon will be able to resist! He'll be living in our house and warming our beds in no time, girls."
  3050. >Sirens find themselves drawn to Anon for some reason.
  3051. >Are baffled why.
  3052. >Turns out Anon isn't a native, like them.
  3053. >Nor is he from Equestria.
  3054. >He's a goddamn Naga, hiding out/transformed until he can find a way home back to Nazjatar
  3060. >ponies take singing very seriously
  3061. >heartsongs, destiny duets (expand as needed), and other such things are seen as exceptionally important parts of the planet's magical ecosystem
  3062. >serious indeed
  3063. >so when ponies hear Anon singing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbz355PwFl4[Open] one day, they are very... concerned
  3064. >they knew Anon wasn't from their dimension (it was kind of hard to miss) but this...
  3065. >what is a mere mare supposed to do when faced with something that is basically an eldritch god?
  3066. >for with a Song like that, what else could he be?
  3067. >how could he have fooled them for so long? how could they have MISSED him?
  3068. >and just what does He mean by "taking back eternity?"
  3069. >by "puppets learning to pull strings?"
  3070. >unbidden, memories of old legends resurface
  3071. >long ago, before even the Celestial Sisters, the alicorns were an enigma
  3072. >well, more of an enigma
  3073. >they were often the subject of legends, claiming them to be gods, servants of gods, even devils that had killed the gods, and everything in between
  3074. >one in particular rises to the fore
  3075. >one where the alicorns were once servants of the gods, but betrayed them and stole their immortality and power to assume dominance over the mortal world
  3076. >as the world rushes back, you catch the final verse
  3077. >"I am Dark Matter
  3078. >Your road to ruin
  3079. >I am Dark Matter
  3080. >I am your undoing"
  3081. >you shudder
  3082. >what could ANYONE do to stop a god that had come to collect?
  3084. >inside his house Anon smiled
  3085. >man, did he love Les Friction
  3086. >the smile fell a bit
  3087. >he sure was gonna miss them
  3088. >singin' in the shower just ain't the same
  3089. >and that's not even touching all the new shit he's gonna miss, trapped in Equestria as he is
  3090. >there was a lot of stuff he was going to miss
  3097. >Anon was a handler for a zoo on Earth
  3098. >specifically, he handled the cheetahs
  3099. >these ponies seem to be every little bit as anxious as his old spotted friends
  3100. >and the most anxious of all is Celestia herself
  3101. >at first the treatment works wonders, and Anon is getting ready to continue his new life's work of reducing anxiety across Equestria
  3102. >but just a few days/weeks after he had set out again, the anxiety comes back, even worse than before!
  3103. >other ponies can notice it now!
  3104. >at first she tried to attribute it to work, as she had for the last thousand odd years, but its actually been pretty light since Anon left
  3105. >she goes through a whole gamut of potential causes before it comes to her in a flash
  3106. >she's been addicted to Anon's comforting presence!
  3107. >the next morning, halfway across Equestria, Anon wakes up to pic related
  3114. >anon arrives in Equestria because reasons
  3115. >turns out Equestria has moon gravity and thus has a thin atmosphere 
  3116. >anon goes on a panic fueled rampage because he's slowly asphyxiating to death demolishing several houses before passing out
  3117. >ponies are thoroughly spooked though they take pity on him after finding out he's got man-bits
  3118. >they keep him breathing with magic and stuff
  3119. >they later give him a mask as a more permanent solution
  3120. >he can't stop irl baneposting
  3127. >Anon's daughter is as tough as her mother and twice as feisty.
  3128. >As a result, she is extremely embarrassed of her overprotective and doting father.
  3129. >She always rushes out of school hoping to meet her dad (who always walks her home even though she's a big, tough filly) before he can reach the entrance just to prevent him from fawning over her in front of the other students.
  3130. >It's as if he has some sort of DadSence that goes off whenever she tries to talk to a colt as he always just appears looming over her, casting a malevolent shadow upon the colt who quickly flees in terror.
  3131. >He's always, Always, putting her into little dresses and making kissy faces at how precious she is.
  3132. For all of these reasons, the filly is absolutely ecstatic to hear from her mother that the new foal coming is going to be a colt.
  3133. >Finally, her Dad is going to have a proper son to do all the colt-y stuff with and will start leaving her alone.
  3134. >...
  3135. >Anon makes his son participate in all the rough housing and manly stuff.
  3136. >Dammit Anon.
  3144. >Anon is friendly with a few of the humane7
  3145. >Aria latches onto his arm whenever they hang out and hisses at any of them that get too close
  3146. >Sonata steals his shirts and starts wearing them for his scent
  3147. >Adagio snoops on and investigates everyone Anon knows for blackmail, for if they try to take her mate
  3149. >Fluttershy is the only one who realizes they're acting like territorial animals
  3150. >She realizes that they consider Anon their mate, and might really try to kill one of her friends if they try to take Anon from them
  3151. >Too bad the rest of the humane7 think he's in an abusive relationship that they need to save him from
  3158. >Be Anon
  3159. >Be in a happy relationship with your waifu
  3160. >Have foals
  3161. >Princess Celestia learns that you can breed with ponies and decides she wants to try to have a child again.
  3162. >Celestia has never had a child of her own, resorting to adoption, but never feeling the life growing inside her like she craves.
  3163. >Requests to join your Herd
  3164. >You turn her down, saying you are faithful to your waifu and monogamous.
  3165. >The jealousy grows...
  3166. >Your waifu is shocked, but happy.
  3167. >Celestia goes on, trying to cope, but her heat and needs are growing.
  3168. >Holding Cadence's child makes it only worse.
  3169. >One day... DAYBREAKER!
  3177. >You take out the binoculars
  3178. >The wonderbolts are doing a fine job
  3179. >Every time they do it they get better and better
  3180. >They should consider taking up side jobs as artists
  3181. >They got really good at making the thing viewable from all angles and 3d
  3182. >You cant even imagine coming up with the idea
  3183. >You sit with your husband and your herd sisters luna and celestia
  3184. >And YOU are the fucking ALPHA of this herd
  3185. >All you had to do was convince your husband it was worth it
  3186. >And promise that he wouldn't have to satisfy 3 ponies all on his own... 
  3187. >You can only say no homo while eating luna out so much before you stop caring
  3188. >And they finished
  3189. >"You know, I never thought trolling would be a thing in this world, but thank you for proving my wrong"
  3190. >You smile and mean back into him, the princesses get his shoulders
  3191. >You all sit there and look at the sky writing
  3192. I will never amount to anything
  3195. *3d arrow pointing down to where she lived*
  3196. >You may feel bad if your mom wasn't such a miserable bitch she got unanimously kicked from her herd once you left to go out on your own
  3197. >Your still cool with your dad and other moms side of the family
  3198. >At least they believed you would be something
  3199. >Maybe not the alpha in a princess herd something, but they believed in you.
  3206. > Be Smolder, Scourge of the North
  3207. > Your horde is bounteous and comfortable, your white scales are pristine, and you have just eaten a rather delicious diamond
  3208. > You're doing pretty well, you have to say
  3209. > You hear clanking in the tunnel
  3210. > You raise an eyeridge at the minotaur knight that emerges
  3211. > Her breastplate is pitiably flat, and her legs are strangely shaped
  3212. "You have trespassed, runt. Leave now, and I might spare your life."
  3213. > You know she won't retreat, but you may as well give her the opportunity to speak her last words
  3214. > The tauress readies her broadsword
  3215. > And then speaks in a surprisingly masculine voice
  3216. > "I am Sam S. Anon, bounty hunter. Submit to a geas or die, I care not which."
  3217. > You grin
  3218. > A male!
  3219. > Now that you know what she is in fact a he, you eye his armor with considerable appetite
  3220. "It would be a shame to maim such a handsome bull, why don't you surrender, and I'll show you delights such as you have never seen."
  3221. > He growls adorably, and charges
  3222. > You take off with a flap of your wings, easily clearing his reach
  3223. > He pulls a crossbow from off his back, ranting all the while
  3224. "I am sick and tired of all you monsters going soft just because I'm a man! Fight me, you cunt!"
  3225. > You dodge the curiously glowing bolt he fires at you
  3226. > What did he expect to-
  3227. > It explodes on the roof of your cave, a network of lightning expanding and pulsing with dangerous potential
  3228. > You dive to the ground to escape the trap
  3229. > The bounty hunter reloads his crossbow with an almost sexual grunt
  3230. > You believe you will enjoy this fight
  3232. > Be Sam S. Anon, trapped under a dragon's claw, your armor in tatters
  3233. > She looms over you, a predatory grin on her face
  3234. "End it, dragon."
  3235. > For what it is worth, it was a good fight
  3236. > A good way to go out, if you had to choose
  3237. > The dragoness brings her face closer
  3238. > "End it? I have given you the fight you wanted, and now I shall have the delights I wanted. But first, I must polish the finest treasure in my horde."
  3239. > You have a bad feeling about this
  3240. > Her tongue emerges from her mouth, and she licks the entire left side of your face
  3241. > "Delicious."
  3242. > You grimace
  3243. > It had to happen sometime, you suppose
  3244. > You honestly don't know which would be worse
  3245. > Staying here as a sex slave, being rescued by some adventurer, or worst of all, being rescued your fan club
  3246. > Only time will tell
  3252. >Bon Bon isn't an actual secret agent
  3253. >She just thinks they're cool and pretends to be one
  3254. >"Lyra! Lyra, look! I'm just like Jane Bond!"
  3255. >Likes to narrate her life like it's either an action movie or a noir film
  3256. >...usually in her head, but sometimes she mutters the narration to herself without realizing it
  3257. >Kinda fixates on Anon because he's new, he's mysterious (mysterious in the sense that Bon Bon personally doesn't know much about him), and he behaves strangely compared to regular stallions
  3258. >Considers him the homme fatale to her secret agent/detective
  3259. >"He walked into my candy store right as I was about to close up for the night. By the look in his eye, I could tell that he was good for two things: candy sales, and trouble."
  3260. >>"Hello to you too, Bonnie."
  3261. >" 'Bonnie'. If he had been a mare, I woulda decked him for calling me that. There are only two ponies in the world who get to call me that, and he ain't one of them."
  3262. >>"So are you still open? I've got a craving for gummy bears."
  3263. >"He had a craving for sugar, but I get the feeling his tooth is the only sweet thing about him."
  3264. >>"Rude."
  3271. >Anon was originally going to be in a monogamous relationship with his waifu despite her requesting for the contrary.
  3272. >After he realized his Superior Human Stamina© is going to be a problem and he can't fix it, he caves.
  3273. >The mare is confused by the sudden 180, but ecstatic that her Anon is willing to bring more mares in.
  3274. >Having been raised in a large herd herself, she's not used to living in such a quiet household.
  3275. >Plus she can now live with all of her best sises like a forever slumber party.
  3276. >Every night is an orgy where Anon fucks his mares to numb satisfaction one after the other.
  3277. >He feels a little bad, like he's cheating even though this is what his waifu wanted, but he makes up for it by always making sure he cums in her in the end as she has her last orgasm.
  3278. >Every one is happy with this.
  3282. >All the humans in EqG are smol.
  3283. >They aren't hobbits (not that it stops Anon from calling them that), but they're about a foot shorter than Erf humans on average.
  3284. >Anon is giant man compared to basically everyone else.
  3285. >AJ is one of the few freaks of nature who are about his size.
  3286. >She's 6 feet tall, when everyone else is lucky to hit 5.
  3287. >Others in the same ball park include her brother Big Mac, Troubleshoes, and Principal Celestia
  3288. >And she's built like an Amazon
  3289. >pic related
  3290. >Most guys are intimidated by her.
  3291. >Anon is struggling to keep his hands to himself.
  3292. >She'd find it hilarious and flattering if she actually realized why he was acting so strange around her.
  3299. >Bon Bon always thought it was suspicious that Anon wore clothes all the time
  3300. >He's such a tease
  3301. >Then she sees Anon doing something violent/physical/requiring reflexes
  3302. >She is now convinced he's one of those homme mortels
  3303. >It's like one of her English spy novels!
  3310. >Anon in RGRE 
  3311. >Forced to cook upon arrival because everypony keeps trying to feed him hay.
  3312. >Ponies start trying out Anon's unique meals.
  3313. >All of Anon's food is amazing
  3314. >Anon quickly figures out it is because he isn't hygienic and his sweat is addictive to ponies.
  3315. >Anon quickly becomes a well known chef in the land.
  3316. >Starts getting targeted by other elite chefs to cookoffs.
  3317. >All the other top chefs just so happen to be smug ass mares plus Pinkie Pie.
  3318. >A stallion's place may be in his family's kitchen, but the restaurant world is owned by conservative mares.
  3319. >Anon meanwhile is greatly enjoying destroy the competition.
  3320. >Until he actually had met his match in the ultimate cook-off judged by the Princesses themselves.
  3321. >Anon realizes his usual homemade human cocaine just isn't going to work anymore.
  3322. >He has to find a way to jizz on the food without anypony finding out.
  3329. >Anon has severe resting bitch face himself, and is completely unaware of it
  3330. >Because of this, a lot of ponies think he’s constantly bored or scowling and he doesn’t know why.
  3331. >However he’s also developed a reputation of being something of an ice king, and some mares are into that.
  3332. >Anyone who actually takes the time to get to know him is confused by how nice he is
  3338. >ponies have a special instinct
  3339. >basically just the human "if its rare it must be valuable" instinct turned up to about 37 and targeted at living things
  3340. >many speculate that its "intended" use was to save entire tribes from going extinct in their more feral days
  3341. >some even say that this was part of how Celestia rose to power so quickly
  3342. >as one of the last alicorns, she was in a prime position to benefit from this instinct
  3343. >enter Anon, the ONLY human on the planet
  3344. >while this doesn't quite elevate him to the rank of God-King, it does give him a certain, unexplainable desirability to ponies, notably distinct from the "exotic" factor
  3345. >the fact he's also male certainly doesn't hurt, either
  3346. >but that's not what this is about
  3347. >when he actually does settle down with a herd, the protective aspects of it goes into overdrive
  3348. >pic related happens regularly, his herd unwilling to let him sleep without at least two mares present to protect him from (nonexistent) predators
  3349. >they also refuse to let him hold down a dangerous job (read anything that keeps him out of the house and out of their sight)
  3350. >if they had their way, he'd just be a house-husband 24/7
  3351. >with a mare to guard him at home, of course
  3352. >at first, it was cute to see his little horse-wives so concerned for him
  3353. >but now its starting to grate a bit
  3354. >especially since even the other townsfolk seem to be in on it, always asking where his herd is if he managed to slip out on his own
  3362. >Anon was never that popular on Earth, and was on the receiving end of very little female attention
  3363. >When he finally settles down in Equestria, he finds that female attention is much easier to come by
  3364. >There certainly aren't droves of mares eager to give him the V, but there are still plenty whose only standards for stallions are "has a dick" and "will put up with me"
  3365. >Anon is unused to this kind of attention, and it shows
  3366. >If anything this encourages the mares who now see him as an easy lay
  3367. >Anon's friends realize they have to save him from himself
  3373. I've kept having this idea drill into my head of Anon's post apocalypse raider gang landing in equestria through whatever mcguffin. Just the idea of cute lil' poners desperately trying to tame the strange "warrior princess-esque amazonian ape stallions" or attempting to take their shitty pipe rifles and deisel engines because they're obviously too dangerous for such delicate wall flowers and Anon's Lost boys, or whatever, trying to figure out who spiked the iguana sticks.
  3375. >You have no idea what the FUCK is going on
  3376. >You've never seen more two leaves on a bush back in the wasteland
  3377. >Now there are trees everywhere, and that's the least bizarre thing you've had to deal with today
  3378. >Greg had left camp to take a "wicked sick piss mate" and came back with some kind of talking horse
  3379. >It's been alternating between glancing at each of you at muttering to itself
  3380. >"I still say we should eat it. It looks tasty."
  3381. "Shut the fuck up Steve! For the last time, we aren't eating it!"
  3382. >You swear you heard "Oh yeah, eat me big boy" mumbled from the direction of the horse
  3388. >Anon's being stalked by Pinka ponk
  3389. >he's not really being stalked physically, but more... vocally, if that makes even a half-ounce of sense
  3390. >after a throw-away line about wondering if she "tastes as sweet as she smells," she's started seeing sexual undertones in everything she hears him say
  3391. >which is pretty much everything, because Pinkie
  3392. >why?
  3393. >perhaps she's latching onto the first bit of kinda-sexual attention she's received in a long time and trying to make it last
  3394. >or maybe she's just being Pinkie and having some kind of ESP-seizure manifesting as an implacable thirst for monkey-dick for a week or so
  3395. >who the fuck actually knows with her
  3401. >Live in Canterlot after getting your bearings. The RGR is less obvious since you stick to the middle class areas where liberal egalitarian ideas are common. 
  3402. >It's not a great life, but it's yours.
  3403. >Then one day, a noble and/or celebrity that you bump into starts hitting on you.
  3404. >You've had one or two other mares interested in you, but nothing like this. You decide to go for it and it's great.
  3405. >She's great at listening, very generous, and is willing to take it slow.
  3406. >All the distrustful thoughts asking why she'd pick you crumble over time.
  3407. >It's the happiest you've been in, well, forever!
  3408. ---
  3409. >The mare begins to wonder what she's gotten herself into.
  3410. >She won't lie to herself. She wanted an exotic trophy husband who didn't fuss much, not a real relationship. She could have just about any stallion she wished, but she wanted someone brag worthy for parties and elbow-rubbing. 
  3411. >The "human", she's dating, the only one in the world, is sweet as can be and even easier to please than she expected.
  3412. >But he's not the vapid cardboard cutout that she was hunting for.
  3413. >The contrary, he's far too real and thought provoking. 
  3414. >The excoticness goes further than skin-deep with his odd behavior and speech. Every bit she learns of him makes her hunger to know more. The little morsels and scraps of an alien world and life, even the hair-raisingly dark or incomprehensible ones, just aren't enough for her.
  3415. >But most the biggest and most frightening thing...
  3416. >...Are the strange feelings building like fire inside her.
  3417. >This isn't what she wants. This is the opposite of what she wants! She just wants an attractive body with a dick to stand next to her!
  3418. >...So why do the thoughts of breaking it off and trying again make her cold inside?
  3425. >"When I said he should make friends, I didn't mean this!"
  3426. >Twilight hiccoughs into her mug of cider, and her friends glance at one another in concern.
  3427. >Undaunted by her muzzle barely hitting the cider-line, she moans.
  3428. >"I meant, I dunno, Big Mac or Caramel or, or, even Shiney!"
  3429. >Cadence, sitting aside her, frowns a little, not sure whether she and her husband should be insulted or not.
  3430. >The only one who seems vaguely happy is Fluttershy, who looks across the room on occasion with the slightest of smiles on her face.
  3431. >Opposite them in the tavern, Discord, engaged in some shenanigan or another with Anon, is laughing uproariously.
  3432. >Loosely wrapped around Anon's waist and torso is Eris, his cousin. who is nuzzling Anon's neck affectionately.
  3433. >...While also sipping a whoopee-cushion under her beau's ass, while somehow groping said ass.
  3434. >Twilight lets out another moan of frustration at the sight. causing Cadence's eyes to widen a little as the pieces fall into place.
  3435. >...She blinks as a similar moan escapes an annoyed-looking Rarity.
  3436. >"Huh. Didn't see that one coming."
  3443. >You have Princess Twilight and her friends right where you want them.
  3444. >You are about to remove their cutie marks and make them equal.
  3445. >Nothing can stop you now, so that means it's time to gloat.
  3446. "It was foolish to think you could change things here. Now you'll see firsthoof how it feels to be-"
  3447. >KNOCK KNOCK
  3448. >A knocking comes from the side of the cave.
  3449. >"Oooh Starlight!"
  3450. >Everypony hears from the other side of the cave wall.
  3451. >You freeze in place.
  3452. >No, not here... Not now!
  3453. >"I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting my authority as your father by coming in anyway!"
  3454. >With a loud crash your adoptive father breaks down the wall with that magic battering ram you made him two Hearths Warmings ago.
  3455. >Why did you think that was a good present?
  3456. >"I was wondering where you and your new friends went to. Hey! Nice cave you have here honey. What are you all up to?"
  3457. >"She was going to steal our cutie marks like she did yo everypony else!"
  3458. >"SHE WHAT!"
  3459. >Fuck.
  3460. >"Is this true?"
  3461. "W-well you see..."
  3462. >"I can't believe this! You are to return all those cutie marks this instant and then go to your room young lady."
  3463. "But dad, I'm 28!"
  3464. >"Did I stutter?"
  3465. "No sir..."
  3466. >You start to magic back all the town's cutie marks.
  3467. >You were so close.
  3468. >"I swear, if you had a mother worth mentioning we would wait till she got home and you would get the beating of a lifetime. Instead it's the naughty stool for 30 minutes so you can think about how it's wrong to make a communist society when we live in a monarchy."
  3474. > Anon's boxers keep getting used in Celestia and Luna's prank war
  3475. > He decides to play too
  3476. > He takes a large cardboard box and writes "Best Princess Only" on the side
  3477. > Puts it in the throne room on the day of the Royal Conference
  3478. > Celestia finds it, and ends up sitting in the box, feeling oddly satisfied
  3479. > And does not leave the box, all throughout the day
  3480. > When she has to move, she just levitates the entire thing and herself
  3481. > When she goes to the Royal Conference, Luna, Cadance, and Twilight scrunch
  3482. > They think they deserve to sit in the box, not Celestia
  3483. > Cake budget talks break down even faster, and bickering increases exponentially
  3484. > Meanwhile, Anon is outside the conference room, laughing at the silly ponies
  3485. > Eris appears and proposes to Anon
  3486. > She can't resist whimsy that potent
  3494. >Be Twilight Darkle
  3495. >Former student of the princess
  3496. >Now a dark and edgy free spirit that can't be held down
  3497. >Living in literally the edgiest castle in the world
  3498. >It's covered in crystals, giving it over six times the edges of the next edgiest competitor castle, Fort Deathslaughter.
  3499. >You pause in your brooding as a thought comes to you
  3500. >You don't have any stallions to tend to your whims
  3501. >All your guardsmares are mares.
  3502. >They may be the most magically potent librarians you could hoof-pick, but they don't have dicks.
  3503. >This cannot stand.
  3504. >You need dark concubines to do concubine things.
  3505. >Like stand beside you and feed you snacks.
  3506. >And other stuff, probably.
  3507. >You make a mental note to research exactly what it is concubines are for later once you have some.
  3508. >And you can't just have any concubines.
  3509. >They have to be exotic and shit.
  3510. >You go over to the town register shelves of your dread library and retrieve the latest census results.
  3511. >After flipping through them you have the profiles of most exotic citizens of ponyville on the table in front of you.
  3512. >Now let's see...
  3513. >Greg the Changeling accountant; no, changelings have been all over the place.
  3514. >Spike the Dragon minion; no, you already have him.
  3515. >Anonymous the Human Human; Well this looks interesting.
  3516. >The only one of his kind, from another world, wears clothes whererever he goes, that's pretty exotic.
  3517. >You think you'll start with him.
  3518. >You stalk out from your Library of Doom to meet this human.
  3519. >Soon to be YOUR human
  3521. >Be Twilight Darkle back at home.
  3522. >You need to find spike and talk to him.
  3523. "Spike! I need to talk to you!"
  3524. >Shouting is usually the easiest way to find your assistant.
  3525. >Since he's well trained, Spike comes when called.
  3526. >"Yes Twilight? What is it?"
  3527. "Do you have any idea where Anonymous the Human is?"
  3528. "I went to ensnare him into being my concubine but he wasn't home. There was a note saying he was at your pad."
  3529. >"Anon? Sure, he's up in my room playing on the nintendo."
  3530. >You and Spike go up to the alledged location of the most exotic stallion in town.
  3531. >He's there.
  3532. >Sitting on the couch playing Super Mario Sis's."
  3533. >Now you just need to use your devilish charm to make him yours.
  3534. >Here goes.
  3535. "Hi I'm Twilight Sparkle. Please be my concubine."
  3536. >"You're Spike's sister right?"
  3537. >Well technically you're only his step sister.
  3538. "Not quite, Spike was adopted because his egg was left in a charity donation bin. I hatched it so I got to keep him."
  3539. >He still hasn't said no to being your dark concubine, so you're counting this as a win.
  3546. yrw Vinyl Scratch is your cuddly, mute lead mare.
  3547. >y&hrw jealous herd mate questions Vinyl's position as alpha as some pony with a handicap shouldn't be in charge.
  3548. >How can a mute defend your honor, after all, if she can't even speak out against the dishonerers?
  3551. >the reason she got into music was that, in addition to her muteness, she had a lot of trouble reading and writing when she was young
  3552. >can't exactly sound out a word when you can't fucking speak
  3553. >however, with music, a note will always match up with a key/string/hole
  3554. >her first "words" were instead messages passed along by some short tune played on whatever she had at hoof
  3555. >one cutiemark later and she's a verified musical prodigy
  3556. >fast forward to her herd days, and she always makes sure to carry a number of small instruments in a pouch at all times
  3557. >I mean, she COULD write out what she wants
  3558. >even learned how to do all that fancy magic writing in the air
  3559. >but, at the end of the day, can that even really compare to telling some puffed up mare that thinks she knows (you) better than she does to fuck herself and all her extended male relatives with a few colorful toots on a kazoo?
  3560. >or could it compare to that moment when (you) and the rest of your herd realize about 80% of her songs are her telling (you)
  3561. just how much she loves (you) in musical code?
  3564. >Vinyl takes (you) and the herd out for a dinner date
  3565. >middle of the road palce, not too fancy but very comfortable and has good food
  3566. >enter the wild zigger dad and his 18 gorillion foals
  3567. >Vinyl just knows something's gonna happen, but tries to play it cool and keep the chill atmosphere of the night
  3568. >something happens, foals start screaming
  3569. >then the zebra starts screaming at the staff for X reason
  3570. >(you) try to make a quick exit stage right for (you)r herd, but Vinyl's had enough
  3571. >out comes the kazoo, and (you) can barely believe your ears
  3572. >how could she say all that in public?
  3579. >Anon is the Green Power Ranger.
  3580. >One day, while in the school shower after gym, there is a monster attack and he's called to action.
  3581. >Time being of the essence, he grabs his morpher and changes right there for battle without even putting his regular clothes on.
  3582. >The monster uses rifts in reality to send attacks from any and all directions, but the rangers prevail.
  3583. >With its dying breath, however, it uses one last portal, catching the green ranger off guard.
  3584. >Tossed through the turbulent space between realities, Anon loses consciousnesses and hold of his powers before being spit out into Equestria.
  3585. >Awaking naked and surrounded by panicking little ponies, Anon is confused, but before he can figure out what is going on, he notices the swarm of black insectoid creatures attacking the city.
  3586. >Always the hero, He finds his morpher and transforms right there, much to the awe of the ponies.
  3587. >And blushes.
  3588. >Lots of blushes.
  3589. >Especially one cream colored mare with a red and purple mane and pilly sweater.
  3590. >As she watches the naked male (if the dangly bits between his legs is any indication) transform before her eyes into wearing full body spandex and a helmet, she can't help but think of her anime.
  3591. >Just like the Solar Senshi, here is a stallion going from modest nudity to fully lewd to fend off a monster invasion.
  3592. >It's a dream come true.
  3598. >ywn live with two 30-something bachelorhood 
  3599. >ywn watch them walk around on their days off wearing the RGRE equivalent of a bachelor's outfit of shorts and a wifebeater: panties and a loose tanktop
  3600. >ywn watch as the two sisters momentarily forget you're there and start cracking inappropriate jokes to each other and talking about which male staff member they could make cum faster
  3601. >"...that is, if either one of us could actually bag them. I swear, Lulu, my cooter's about to explode from all the cock it hasn't gotten in the last 10 years."
  3602. >>"Ahem! S-sister, we have a guest of the fairer sex, remember?"
  3603. >"Shit. Uh, I mean shoot!"
  3607. >Anon's banging the princesses
  3608. >they decided that they'd rather be "normal mares," or as close as they can be, and fuck off to live with Anon on their own
  3609. >still keep up their royal duties, but use temporary magical clones to do them from the comfort of their own home
  3610. >when they were off, the "upload" their experiences to the real princesses, so they're not completely out of the loop
  3611. >one day, a clone dissipates while the two of them were "occupied" with Anon
  3612. >gives them the idea to bring clones into the bedroom
  3613. >its a smashing success when they try it a few days later
  3614. >when a clone's fucked out of corporeality, every bit of pleasure she felt is pushed straight into the original
  3615. >by the time Anon actually gets to them, the originals tend to already be a drooling, twitching mess before he even touches them
  3616. >after a few enjoyable days, the princesses feel they can make it even better
  3617. >tweak the spell to make the clones a bit more resilient and make it so that, instead of a "report," they give a crystal clear "live feed" to the original
  3618. >heat's rolling around by this time, so they decide to make an honest stallion out of Anon as well
  3619. >might as well make it special
  3620. >when Anon got home that night, he's greeted by ten-odd thirsty alicorns
  3621. >thirsty alicorns that have just locked the door, and told him that none of them are leaving that room until he's impregnated every one of them
  3622. >the next morning, Anon wakes up a bit sore, predictably
  3623. >what wasn't so predictable was the still-extant clones littered around the bed in various stages of stickiness and wakefulness
  3624. >Celestia and Luna prime wake up shortly after
  3625. >at first they were confused, but then it hits
  3626. >those clones were permanent now, and each and every one of them was pregnant
  3627. >their faces when they realized they just saved the alicorn race for the sake of lewd
  3633. >Anon is new to Equestria and decides to give herds a try
  3634. >"If I'm already going to hell for fucking a horse, I'd be a chump to stop at one."
  3635. >Turns out that herds are not without their drama
  3636. >Fighting over who gets cuddles
  3637. >Subtle power plays involving seating arrangements at the dinner table to change who Anon serves dinner to first
  3638. >Straight up yelling matches because the breadwinner doesn't feel appreciated and one of the other herd mares calls her a pussy for "whining" about it
  3639. >After a few months of everyone being miserable, Anon decides to end it and breaks up with his herd
  3640. >The herd (if they're being honest with themselves) are not especially shocked to hear this, but they are all suddenly provided with a reason to put aside their differences and work together
  3641. >"Look, forget what I said before, I don't care if you sleep on Anon's left instead of me. If we don't get it together, our colt'll be gone forever!"
  3642. >Much like a guy from Earth who refuses to acknowledge that his girl isn't his girl any more, Anon's former herd believes that they're just "on a break" and start showing up at places Anon goes to to try and convince him to come back home
  3643. "I'm so tired of your shit, you three."
  3644. >"Love you too, babe. C'mon, I learned how to do the most amazing thing with my tongue. I don't wanna do it in front of everypony else so, uh... come on back home, okay?"
  3652. >Ponies in Ponyville feel bad that Anon is the only human in Equestria
  3653. >Twilight finds a way to transform them into humans for just a day
  3654. >Thing is, they still don't quite understand Anon's need for clothing, and in good ol' temperate weather Ponyville, warmth doesn't become an immediately obvious reason for them to bundle up
  3655. >Anon wakes up to a crowd of his closest friends all human
  3656. >All naked
  3657. >They still do horsey things like nuzzling him and sitting on his lap, and some of the more forward mares still try to rub their chest tufts on his face
  3658. >They still like physical contact as much as they did in their pony bodies, but they like it even better now that there is skin-on-skin contact, what with all the fur being gone for the day
  3659. >It was an "I got lots of tits in my face" kind of day for Anon
  3667. >RGREqG Jock "bullies" nerd by symmetrical docking saying she's bigger in front of anon
  3668. >jock and nerd are actually best sis' 
  3669. >they know anon isnt what he seems
  3670. >they also know anon likes big tits and has a predisposition for defending girls like the nerd
  3671. >jock is being the ultimate wingmare but also hopes anon will take her too
  3678. >Celestia and Luna are astounded when they hear of a human living in the Everfree.
  3679. >They understand why Discord is suddenly so bug-fuck terrified.
  3680. >They're near-mythical, having a reputation similar to what unicorns and pegasi are (ironically) to us.
  3681. >Shy and elusive, to see even glimpse at one is a treasured sight.
  3682. >Harbingers, omens, or portents of things to come, across the world, humans are all.
  3683. >In their long-lives, even Celestia and Luna have only seen a human twice.
  3684. >Nopony would dare harm a human, as the magic of the world itself protects them.
  3685. >After all, being cursed with an eternity of crippling horrid luck would suck.
  3686. >However, the legends also say that if somepony gained the favour of a human, good luck is to be found.
  3687. >When a human, a male at that, is seen to be poking around Ponyville's borders and the Apples' orchard, almost curious, the Princesses quickly realize they have to enact countermeasures and damage-control.
  3688. >Not just to protect the human, but also for those who desire to seek it out for their own purposes, benevolent or not.
  3692. >While Chrissy's scouting out the wedding, Anon and Celly's scouting out a potential additional member for their herd, [obvious bug disguise]
  3693. >a member that just so happens to also be Chrysalis in disguise
  3694. >aft first, bugbutt was overjoyed at her good fortune
  3695. >not only does she have a semi-stable flow of affection to sustain her during her mission, but she also has what could turn into unlimited access to Celestia herself
  3696. >and Anon was odd enough that she could use him as a puppet without much suspicion, too
  3697. >however, as time passes and they go onto more and more "dates," and the affection becomes stronger and stronger, changes starts to overcome her
  3698. >subtle things at first, like altering her plan to instead incapacitate Celestia and Anon instead of killing them
  3699. >then she starts looking forward to spending time with them more than working on her plan
  3700. >"to gather more energy," she tells herself
  3701. >can't scheme on an empty stomach
  3702. >she eventually realizes what she's doing when she passes on a MASSIVE opportunity because it would have interfered with a date with them
  3703. >shakes her to her core
  3704. >what is she even doing?
  3705. >what kind of queen puts her own petty emotions over her people's wellbeing?
  3706. >spoiler alert: all of them
  3707. >this wedding could change everything for the changelings
  3708. >a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity she can't afford to miss
  3709. >an opportunity her PEOPLE can't afford to miss
  3710. >... just like all those others opportunities from the stories, she realized
  3711. >changeling "society" is rife with tales of great queens that would have been handed a great opportunity like this, only to be struck down and vanish at the last possible moment
  3712. >punishment for "trying to change the Way of The Hive," or so her mother would have her believe
  3713. >but now, one her kitchen floor and still in disguise, she wonders if all those great queens had been in a situation like hers
  3714. >and how many decided they'd rather be happy than be a queen, as she was tempted to
  3720. > Via shenanigans, Mono, non-baby Wander, and Agro travel to Equestria
  3721. > Ponies assume they are a herd
  3722. > Wander works at Sweet Apple Acres, picking apples
  3723. > Agro pulls wagons for a living
  3724. > After work, she runs around in the countryside, often with Wander or Mono riding
  3725. > Mono works at the day care
  3726. > During story time, she recites legends and tales of her homeland
  3727. > The three refugees aren't really in a herd, but still cling to each other in this strange land
  3728. > Agro is adapting to her newfound intelligence and ability to speak
  3729. > She's learning social cues from the ponies, though old habits die hard when dealing with the humans
  3736. >Anon and mare go to the movies
  3737. >at first she was happy to spend time with him
  3738. >maybe she'd even get in some stealth-snuggling
  3739. >just like how her moms used to with her dad!
  3740. >as they sit down and the lights dim, she looks to him and realizes she's made a tactical error
  3741. >Anon's torso is just to damn tall!
  3742. >how is she supposed to snuggle with him if she can barely get her hoof around the small of his back, much less his shoulders?
  3743. >distressedhorsenoises.painting
  3749. >Anon is a rugged outdoorsy guy
  3750. >Often times ponies become attracted to the janecolt at a surface level
  3751. >But eventually they find out that he can actually cook and sew
  3752. "Gotta know how to cook a newly caught fish, or repair your jeans on the trail"
  3753. >Nowadays a modern stallion can barely microwave a hot pocket because they're so "liberated"
  3756. >Some mares think it's terrible that a colt is out in the woods getting all dirty when he could be starting a nice herd.
  3757. >Others find the thought of a strong Amazon like stallion in the woods hot and think ponies should leave him be.
  3758. >"When he's ready for a herd he'll come to town and choose the best mare for foals."
  3759. >"But how will he get the mare to come with him if they don't know each other well?"
  3760. >"You can't tell a Amazon colt 'no'. You're getting snu-snu mare."
  3761. >Then the mares that believe he simply see's all the mares as weak and he needs a strong mare to come and show her worth like nature intended.
  3762. >These three sides start to debate what should be done.
  3763. >It get's to such a level that even the princesses get into it.
  3764. >Celestia and Twilight simply wait for him to come claim a mare. Which -obviously- will be them.
  3765. >Luna begins to work out more and tries to get stronger to prove her worth. Working on her magic, flying, and muscle.
  3766. >Cadence thinks they've lost their minds for allowing a poor colt live in the woods.
  3774. >>"Thanks, mom! Oh! Oh, uh... I appreciate what you've done, Your Highness."
  3775. >Celestia chuckles good-naturedly and leans down to nuzzle the mare in front of her.
  3776. >"It was my pleasure, my little pony. I hope things work out for you."
  3777. >The mare beams as she scampers out of the throne room.
  3778. >"And please tell the next pony waiting in line to come in!"
  3779. >You hear a faint " 'kay!" before the tall doors slam shut.
  3780. >Alone in the room (save for you), the princess sags in her throne and lets out a long-suffering sigh.
  3781. >"Every time, I swear."
  3782. >You had remained silent just in case calling Celestia "mom" was normal here and YOU were the weirdo for questioning it, but now you feel comfortable speaking up.
  3783. "Did... did that mare just call you 'mom'?"
  3784. >The princess spares you a glance and nods slowly
  3785. >"Yes, my subjects do see me as a maternal figure. I suppose that's my fault, though, considering how I treat them. If I knew that everypony would end up treating me this way, I would have put a stop to those pesky missionaries and their 'sun-mother' scripture 700 years ago."
  3786. >You scrunch up your face, thoroughly weirded out.
  3787. "Seriously? That's weird as shit, princess."
  3788. >Celestia suddenly perks up and peers over at you, her once-floppy ears perking straight up.
  3789. >"You... think it's weird too?"
  3790. >You are confused at the faint hope you can hear in her voice.
  3791. "Yeah, it's pretty weird. I mean, I can get that ponies might see you as kinda maternal, but for them to slip up and call you 'mommy' is actually a little bit creepy."
  3792. >You scoff and shove your hands into your pockets, facing forward and away from Celestia.
  3793. "And what, do they call Luna 'auntie', too?"
  3794. >"Y-Yeah, actually, they do."
  3795. >Boy howdy.
  3796. "Well, fuck."
  3797. >There's an uncomfortable silence, and you look over at the princess to make sure you didn't do anything wrong.
  3798. >A small, but growing, smile is playing on her lips, and whatever weariness she was feeling from endless day court seems to be gone.
  3799. >"You mean, you don't think of me as your warm and loving mom?"
  3800. "Of course not."
  3801. >Celestia's smile grows, and she titters to herself excitedly.
  3802. >"And you don't consider Luna a doting, if somewhat distant, aunt figure?"
  3803. "No, I don't. Seriously, Celestia, is this actually a problem you and your sister face on a regular ba-"
  3804. >Anonymous, shitposter, cancels job: Interrupted by Princess Celestia
  3805. >You're pulled into a tight hug around your middle, and your face is shoved into a rather soft tuft of chest fur.
  3806. >"Oh, happy day!"
  3807. >Celestia begins to spin you around in a circle, apparently not having any trouble balancing on her hind legs to get the job done.
  3808. >"Anonymous, even the foreign diplomats treat me more as a mother figure than the ruler of a nation! Do you have any idea what this means?!"
  3809. >Celestia puts you down on your feet, but you end up clinging to her to avoid falling over; vertigo is a bitch.
  3810. "Wh-what does it mean?"
  3811. >Celestia places her hooves on your shoulders and holds you out at arm's length, beaming at you.
  3812. >"It means that I'm about to cancel day court for the day, and then you and I are going to find Luna, and THEN we're all going to get drunk and tell stories!"
  3813. >You squint at Celestia, the mid-morning sun glaring right in your eyes.
  3814. "I-Look-Just..."
  3815. >You didn't expect any of this.
  3816. "Isn't it a bit early to be dr-"
  3817. >Without looking away from you, Celestia's horn glows and she swaps celestial bodies.
  3818. >It is now shortly after sunset.
  3819. "...drinking?"
  3820. >She plasters a shit-eating grin on her face.
  3821. >"Nope."
  3822. >She pats you on the shoulder and then guides you out of the room and into a hallway.
  3823. >"Come on, Anonymous; once we find Luna, I'll buy you all the fruity, colty drinks you want."
  3825. >"Morning, dad!"
  3826. >You and Celestia stop dead in your tracks and stare at the back of the mare's head as she walks away.
  3827. >As soon as she turns the corner, you stare at Celestia; she stares back, and you're sure her shocked face is a mirror of your own.
  3828. "Now you've brought ME into this?"
  3829. >Celestia grins sheepishly.
  3830. >"Hey, it could be worse. At least they aren't calling you-"
  3832. >"Daddy! I got you something!"
  3833. >A mare wearing a maid's outfit drops a bundle of cloth at your feet.
  3834. >You grab it and hold it out in front of you.
  3835. >It's a housecoat; purple, and complete with a pair of slippers that fell out of the bundle as you were picking the damn thing up.
  3836. >"Do you like them?"
  3837. >The mare is smiling happily up at you as her tail waggles back and forth.
  3838. >You peer over and Celestia, who is suddenly looking very nervous and very sheepish.
  3839. "I love them. I think MOMMY and I are going to put these away somewhere before I wear them."
  3840. >Celestia gulps.
  3841. >She knows she's going to be sleeping on the proverbial horse-couch tonight.
  3842. >God, ponies are so weird.
  3849. >Cthulu and all the other supernatural creatures are laughing at the shit scribble.
  3850. >They're having a nerd off about Anon's shitty "anti-magic" circle.
  3851. >The mythos and the imagery is even screwed up.
  3852. >They find it funny and childish enough to grant Anon some kind random "blessing" or whatever it's pathetic human equivalent is
  3853. > Anon can now unbirth and birth himself a thousand times. 
  3854. > Thanks Shub-Niggurath
  3856. >"Aww, look! He thinks those scribbles he's drawing in a circle actually mean anything. What, did he find those books in his sister's room or something?"
  3857. >"I mean, all he's done is write gibberish. 'is to find ocean', 'protect for sky corruption'... he's so adorable."
  3858. >"Oh, he's saying the words! Gals, gather 'round, he's ACTUALLY trying to summon one of us!"
  3859. >"Yeah, I know! I think he thinks he's doing it right."
  3860. >"Wait for it... wait for it..."
  3861. >"Oh, look at how disappointed he is. I can't say no to a face like that."
  3862. >"Tell you what: I'll be back in a few years, or something. I'm gonna pop down there and humor him for a while."
  3863. >"If he tries to 'bind' me to some arbitrary rules, I'll play along for the sake of a challenge."
  3864. >"...and so that I can see that smile again."
  3867. "And that, kids, is how I met your mother."
  3868. >"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"
  3869. "Hey hey hey - none of that language under my roof."
  3870. >"...sorry, dad."
  3878. >Anon, as a child, was found roughly the same time as Cadence was.
  3879. >Because humans are considered Equestria's unicorns, the village agreed to keep him a secret.
  3880. >That, and he brought them prosperity due to luck.
  3881. >Both were adopted, though he was considered an oddball for being more filly-like than colt-like.
  3882. >Became as thick as thieves with Cadence, who complimented each other sine she was more colty.
  3883. >She ascends, and Celestia finds her.
  3884. >Is astonished to not only find a new alicorn and Amore's great-great-many-greats granddaughter, but also a human.
  3886. >Stallions are too chicken-shit (Scootaloo shit?) to ask her out or proposition her because her "brother" could curse them with a hundred years' bad luck if they do something he truly finds reprehensible
  3888. >since one of the many "roles" humans have played in Equestrian legends is that of minor love-gods/spirits, many are just waiting for them to get together
  3889. >after all, what better match for a princess of love than a spirit of love, and vice versa?
  3890. >Cadance and Anon, for their part, are a little confused
  3891. >they knew they weren't really siblings, that's readily apparent, but there is some barrier there
  3892. >that is, until Cadance discovers her neighponese mangos
  3893. >over the next few days, she rarely leaves her room, even for meals, and seems to be avoiding Anon
  3894. >the few times they are together, he swears he can hear her muttering "how can my big brother be so cute?" before beating a hasty retreat to her next little gremlin-hole
  3900. >You're dating a mare with a baby sister.
  3901. >Even with your strange looks, you roped her with some genuine love and unusually easygoing (for a male) attitude. Her sister instantly taking a shine to you helped a lot too.
  3902. >Your marefriend worries about her sister, though. She's a filly and still growing up, but soon the unfairness of being a mare will rear it's ugly head.
  3903. >Your mare remembers how much she had to struggle to just be noticed and doesn't wish such a fate on her beloved sister. 
  3904. >So she comes to you, does some obvious buttering up, and asks you to bring her sister into your little family as a herdmate.
  3905. >You relent, but add the stipulation that her sister has to wait until shes an adult before any "adult" things happen. Equestria may be more lax about such things than earth, but it's something you just cannot shake.
  3906. >Needless to say, little sister is beyond thrilled. She doesn't need to worry about colts and gets a promised spot in a herd with her sister. The girls at school are going to be so jealous! 
  3907. >There's still hiccups and mishaps along the way, though.
  3909. >After a less than subtle hinting at what she wants after years of whittling away at you, the younger sister finally convinces you she's mature enough for real intimacy.
  3910. >Having a cutie mark and a part time job in the last few years of school already makes her an adult to most anyway.
  3911. >But in a bout of teenage stupidity, she hides a tape recorder in the room as double proof for her friends. 
  3912. >And after years of pent up, puberty induced sexual frustration, the younger sister has the night of her life. 
  3913. >She struts into class the next day reeking of sex and with a smug grin in place. 
  3914. >Just to rub it in her friend's faces, she leads them to a secluded spot and plays the tape.
  3915. >It's not erotic. At all.
  3916. >It's her nervously fretting for a moment, then the sound of a door opening and a deep voice telling her how proud he is that she's grown so much. Then he apologizes for thinking of her and just a filly and not a mare. 
  3917. >The rest of the tape is the sound of the bed gently creaking, murmurs of 'I love you', the younger sister badly stifling her ecstasy, and the muffled sound of bare flesh meeting furred.
  3918. >It's gentle lovemaking, not the incredible romp it felt like to her. 
  3919. >Something an alarming number of mares won't get to have.
  3920. >The look on her friends isn't jealousy, it's heartbreak.
  3927. >Be Celestia.
  3928. >"You want me to do what!?" Inkwell yelps.
  3929. "Shhh!"
  3930. >You scold her.
  3931. "I just need you to explain the birds and the bees to Anon."
  3932. >This doesn't calm her.
  3933. >"Why do -I- have to teach him?" She says poking her chest before pointing at you with a hoof. "He's -your- nephew and Luna's adopted s-"
  3934. >You quickly hush her before she can say anymore while you quickly look around to make sure Anon isn't nearby.
  3935. "We haven't told Anon he's not Luna's real son yet!"
  3936. >You whisper yell to Inkwell.
  3937. >She gives you a unamused look.
  3938. >"I'm sure he knows. Especially seeing as Luna doesn't and hasn't ever had a husband."
  3939. "Yeah but he might not! Would -you- want to tell him?"
  3940. >She rolls her eyes.
  3941. >"Whatever, I'm still not teaching him about rutting. You or Luna should."
  3942. >You shy away.
  3943. "I would but... he so... lewd around me!"
  3944. >Again she's unammused.
  3945. >"Really Celestia? You see a little colt as lewd? That's kinda sick."
  3946. "You don't understand! He does thing! Things that colts shouldn't do!"
  3947. >Now she looks disgusted.
  3948. >"Princess! Have you been using your own nephew's young ignorance to please yourself? Blood nephew or not that's sick!"
  3949. >Your wings flare out and you recoil.
  3950. >You don't touch Anon!
  3951. >You would never hurt a innocent colt like that!
  3952. "What!? No! I would never do that!"
  3953. >She snorts.
  3954. >"Whatever, I'll go teach Anon about sex. But when I get back we're having a long talk that may or may not lead to me telling your sister." She says walking out the door.
  3955. "But I-"
  3956. *Slam!*
  3957. >You don't get to finish your defence as the door is slammed shut behind her.
  3958. >You sigh.
  3959. >You'll explain it to her later, atleast she's dealing with Anon so you don't have to.
  3961. Thirty minutes later.
  3963. >The door to your room slings open and slams shut as Inkwell darts in panting with a massive blush on her face.
  3964. >She looks up at you with a look of regret and fear.
  3965. >"I-I understand." She says through pants "No colt should be that lewd!"
  3967. >Be Celestia.
  3968. >Be at a very important meeting with the griffons.
  3969. >"-and so I think we need more la-" The griffon drones on as you begin to sound her out.
  3970. >Every single time.
  3971. >They -always- want more.
  3972. >Filthy bast-
  3973. >You're cut out of that thought as the door cracks open and a small human head peaks in to look around.
  3974. >He looks around until he see's you.
  3975. >His eyes lock and a smile spreads across his face.
  3976. >No.
  3977. >Please Luna come get your son!
  3978. >Come get your lewd son before he ruins a diplomatic meeting!
  3979. >He quietly comes inside and closes the door behind him.
  3980. >Okay Celestia, calm down.
  3981. >Maybe he'll just quietly wait for you to get done with this meeting?
  3982. >Dispite how lewd he can be he is shy around new ponies.
  3983. >Or he'll come straight for you!
  3984. >You focus your eyes on the griffon across the table hoping that she doesn't notice him by some unknown cosmic powers.
  3985. >"and I think- oh?"
  3986. >Or she'll notice right away!
  3987. >As Anon finally gets to you he nuzzles up to your side seemingly trying to get under your wing.
  3988. >”Is… is that a human?” She ask inspecting Anon from her seat.
  3989. >You keep up your regal look as Anon pokes and prods you trying to get comfortable.
  3990. “Yes. This is Anon, my nephew and Luna's son, and he is in fact, a human.”
  3991. >The griffon raises her eye brow.
  3992. >”Mhmm.” She hums in a unbelieving way. “So, you're telling me, your sister, who as far as I know is single had a child, not only that but she had a child who also is a mythological beast of love?”
  3993. >You'd tell her he wasn't a blood son but Anon is right there.
  3994. “Yes.”
  3995. >Is all you say as a reply hoping she won't continue to question you.
  3996. >”May I ask how this occurred?”
  3997. >Damn!
  3998. >Think Tia think!
  3999. “Alicorn biology?”
  4000. >She stares at you for a bit before shrugging.
  4001. >”Hmm, okay. Well as I was saying-" She goes back to talking about getting more land or something.
  4002. >You are currently trying to get Anon to be comfortable next to you and stop moving around.
  4003. >You lift your wing for him.
  4004. >Well?
  4005. >Come on, you wanted under my wing didn't you?
  4006. >Wait… what are you doing?
  4007. >He begins petting your wing as it's still expanded.
  4008. >Well, that's nice.
  4009. >You kind of feel mean for thinking he'd-
  4010. “Mhnnn!”
  4011. >You stifle a moan through clenched teeth as you sling your wing closed on Anon pinning him to your side.
  4012. >Not hard enough to hurt him thankfully.
  4013. >”Princess? Is something wrong?”
  4014. >Yes, my nephew started rubbing my wing joint!
  4015. “No, no, j-just giving Anon a hug. He's very c-cuddly you see.”
  4016. >You have to try your best to not moan out as despite being pinned to your side he continues to rub the sensitive joint.
  4017. >Thankfully she buys your story and continues on about land as you lift you your wing and use it to protect the joint from Anon's assault.
  4018. >He attempts to rub it more before sighing and giving up.
  4020. >With the griffon distracted with her rant about yaks and land you ignite your horn with magic and message your sister.
  4021. ‘Luna! Come get your son! He nearly just made me moan in front of a ambassador!’
  4022. >You wait a bit for a reply and soon get it.
  4023. >’What are you doing to Anon that would incite you moaning!?’
  4024. ‘Nothing! He came in here and laid against me, he kept moving around so I lifted my wing for him to go under and he started petting it instead, then he started rubbing the joint!’
  4025. >’Oh, yes he loves wing joints for some reason. Told me they were really soft when I told him not to do it. Just don't open your wing for him and you'll be fine.’
  4026. ‘No, come get him now!’
  4027. >’I can't!’
  4028. ‘Why not?’
  4029. >’Because I'm at a meeting with a yak, just ignore him for a bit and he'll get bored and mess with the guards. Sturdy Shield loves him, the mare can't get enough of playing with Anon.’
  4030. ‘Fine, just if you get done before me come get him.’
  4031. >’Alright.’
  4032. >With that your magic cuts off and you look at Anon through the corner of your eye.
  4033. >Looks like he's thinking.
  4034. >Good, so long as he doesn't- and he's moving.
  4035. >Before you can react he crawls between your front hoofs and rubs your stomach.
  4036. >You try your best to discreetly move him but he doesn't budge.
  4037. >”Boop!”
  4038. “Ahh!”
  4039. >Left unprepared you let out a loud moan as Anon pinches your teat causing your front hooves to give out as well.
  4040. >”Prince- Oh, I see.” You look up from your laying position to see a griffon smiling at you.
  4041. >Here you are, laying a top of your nephew as you moan while he plays with your teats.
  4042. “No! This is a -big- misunderstanding! You see I was just-"
  4043. >She shushes you.
  4044. >”It's alright, I have a few ‘nephews’ of my own if you know what I mean.” She says emphasizing ‘nephews' “It's good to see a pony at your standard managed to be so lucky as to get not only a ‘nephew' but a human, and not just that, one at such a young age!”
  4045. >You lay there speechless.
  4046. >Does she think Anon is some sort of concubine?
  4047. >”Well, I'm sure you're very busy so I'll leave you to it. I'll not tell a soul.” She says leaving the room. “Enjoy your… fun, Princess.”
  4048. >With that she leaves the room and closes the door.
  4049. >…
  4050. >Anon crawls out from beneath you.
  4051. >”Bye bye auntie! I'm going to go play with Sturdy!” He calls as he leaves.
  4052. >If Luna finds out about this you're dead
  4059. >Songs have significant importance in Equestrian culture
  4060. >They can sway crowds on moral dilemmas and help ponies to develop emotionally
  4061. >If two ponies sing a duet it's guaranteed that they're soul mates
  4062. >Several ponies have sung songs around Anon, sometimes to bring him out of a rut other times trying to tempt him into a duet
  4063. >The latter never works and the former only works because he finds singing ponies cute
  4064. >But he's never sung a single song whilst he was there and some of the ponies start to worry about him
  4065. >One time they hear the distant sound of instruments playing in the direction of Anon's house
  4066. >Hope soon turns to worry as they begin to hear what he'd singing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWROL973r7U[Open]
  4067. >Worried that a mid-life crisis is what's stopping Anon from finding a mare the girls decide to help him indulge in some fantasies
  4068. >Getting shitfaced in the now Flim and Flam run Los Pegasus after hours for one
  4069. >What the girls thought would be a night of getting tipsy and taking a mare for a one night stand turns into a nightmare beyond Luna's wildest imagination
  4070. >He gets Twilight addicted to gambling, which she even begins spending royal funds on
  4071. >Which he quickly rectifies by teaching her the concept of card counting, which, after picking up on she clears out the house
  4072. >He gets Applejack to blow off some steam and forget that the Flim Flam brothers are stallions and helps her wreck their stuff with Rainbow's help
  4073. >Rarity and Fluttershy get completely wasted and get tattoos
  4074. >Pinkie leads ponies in a full blown riot
  4075. >The next morning is met with hangovers and regrets for all
  4076. >Except for Anon, who couldn't be happier
  4077. >Apparently singing human music makes mares do crazy shit
  4084. >Anon doesn't get the implications behind smelling like a mare
  4085. >He just really likes how his best friend smells and knows that ponies like cuddles, so he sees no wrong in this
  4086. >Meanwhile, the mare he cuddled is sweating loudly and the ponies in town keep looking in between him and her
  4093. >School shooter Sci-Twi gets caught and arrested before she can do any real harm.
  4094. >Anon accidentally almost let her do it because she was smart enough to lie to him about "not being nearly ready for it yet."
  4095. >Anon still loves her, and visits her in prison every chance he gets.
  4097. >Sunset and her friends haven't met Sci-Twi yet.
  4098. >They learn of this world's Twilight from the news, and from how often that nice guy Anon goes to visit her in prison.
  4099. >"Such a cute and nice guy like him is wasted on a girl like her." is their general agreement.
  4101. >One day they sense Equestrian magic bullshit.
  4102. >They rush to the school to find that Sci-Twi escaped from prison and plans to use Equestrian magic to go to "another world." As she"s been able to figure out that much.
  4103. >They think she's just using Anon.
  4104. >But she's doing this FOR Anon, she wants to run away together with him.
  4105. >"Away from all those fucking trixies and beta bitches. Away from those sluts only after money and status."
  4106. >"You're too good for this world Anon. I love you and you deserve to live in a place better than this."
  4113. >After Anon cuddles Celestia's chest tuft, he wanders off, not knowing what such a thing implies
  4114. >Celestia worries that Anon will be used as a political pawn now that he's apparently her husbando
  4115. >Celestia worries that Anon will be angry with her if she stays out late drinking with her Royal Guard buddies
  4116. >Celestia is terrified she'll cum before he does
  4117. >Celestia has no idea what she'll do if one her dildos pops out of a forgotten hidden place in her bedroom and Anon learns that she's a big pervert
  4118. >Hours later, Luna finds her her hiding under Luna's own moon-shaped bed, quivering and molting feathers all over the carpet
  4119. >Everything has changed so quickly, and Princess "plan things out decades in advance" Celestia is having a fit about her slew of new expectations
  4120. >Celestia hasn't even spoken to Anon since the chest-cuddling incident, but she's already convinced herself they'll have to marry and can't stop thinking about how shameful it would be if she woke up next to him with morning dew (the mare equivalent of morning wood)
  4124. >"And where do you think you're going, cutie?"
  4125. >"Your girlfriend? The one I heard yelling at you before she left that store?"
  4126. >"She seems kinda mean, cutie."
  4127. >"The type of girl that doesn't know a good guy when one's standing right in front of her."
  4128. >"Hmm? I'm not getting any closer. It must be your imagination, hot stuff."
  4129. >"I've heard that you hyoo-mans can start to see things she you get really, really stressed."
  4130. >"Say, how 'bout you and me go get something to eat?"
  4131. >"I know this taco stand that you'd really like."
  4132. >"Your girlfriend?"
  4133. >"I guess she can join us when she stops being such a little boy."
  4134. >"Come on."
  4135. >"It'll be a good idea to let her cool off for a little bit anyway, right?"
  4136. >"I'll even pay, and you can tell me all about yourself."
  4137. >"You want to come? Great! Let's go then!"
  4138. >"Of course I need to hold your hand, silly. We don't want you getting lost now, do we?"
  4139. >"My name's Sonata by the way."
  4140. >"You'll be screaming that name soon,
  4141. stud~"
  4142. >"One roll in the hay with me you'll never want to go back to hyoo-man women."
  4143. >"You'll be a siren slut."
  4144. >"My siren slut."
  4145. >"And you'll never be happier~"
  4149. >"My good sir, would it be alright if I sit here?"
  4150. >"Oh thank you very much. I've been wandering around this city for hours and I SIMPLY must let my feet rest."
  4151. >"Oh. Well that was very nice of you! Usually I'm the one that pulls the seat out!"
  4152. >"Forgive me, darling, but if I may seem so bold you appear to be a bit.. glum."
  4153. >"Really? She left you here all by yourself?"
  4154. >"Honestly, I don't know how you men deal with human females, dear."
  4155. >"Even the biggest brutes I know of back home wouldn't do such a thing to a gentlemen!"
  4156. >"No, it is NOT nothing!"
  4157. >"I think of myself as a lady, and as a lady I shan't stand for this!"
  4158. >"Bartender! Bartender! Could you please get this man something to drink? Mm as well, some scotch if you have no. No ice please."
  4159. >"Now, since you were SO rudely stood up, perhaps it would be acceptable for me to join you tonight?"
  4160. >"Of course I'll pay for your drinks. I've also been told that there's a very good eating establishment a few blocks from here that we might go to after we tire of this place."
  4161. >"Anon? Oh what a lovely man."
  4162. >"A lovely name for a lovely man."
  4163. >"Oh, excuse me dear, my words seemed to have made you just a hair flustered."
  4164. >"You have my word that it won't happen again."
  4165. >"Though I don't see why you're so bashful. You are a very handsome individual, if you don't mind me saying."
  4166. >"Ah, but where are my manners?"
  4167. >"I'm Rarity, my dear. It's very nice to meet you."
  4168. >"Hopefully I'll be getting to know you much better very soon~"
  4169. >"You seem like a wonderful young man."
  4170. >"The kind a girl could take home to her father."
  4171. >"And maybe, Celestia willing, make one's boutique a little less lonely."
  4172. >"Those human women really are a bit dim."
  4173. >"I almost feel bad for them..."
  4174. >"Almost..."
  4181. >Sirens are far more aggressive than an Equestrian when it comes to courtship
  4182. >They are known to use their singing to lure unsuspecting men away to places where they can be "secured"
  4183. >If the siren is very lucky, the man will be persuaded into becoming her mate after she's done with him
  4184. >If she's very lucky, her persuading will end in some siren babbies
  4185. >After Equestrian contact with Earth, the whole siren population has found new "hunting grounds"
  4186. >Many are surprised, amused, and even happy at how plentiful the "fish" are in this particular sea
  4187. >They are also surprised at how willing so many of the fishes are to just jump into their arms
  4188. >The sirens, as a whole, consider this the failing of human women, and go to great lengths to mock them for their lackadaisicalness
  4189. >All the while fiercely defending their carefully handpicked mate from any threats or rivals
  4190. >Sirens, as you would expect, intent to mate for life
  4198. >Makes the moves whenever he visits the SCC
  4199. >Slides in the booth with him when she serves him, making sure that they're pressing together
  4200. >Says things like "I made it special, just for you~" and blowing him a kiss
  4201. >"Hey, there's my favourite customer! Is your usual seat good, or would you rather sit on my lap instead?"
  4202. >Has a little notepad she has when she takes his order and uses the pen in her mouth to demonstrate how the can move her lips, all while maintaining eye contact with Anon
  4203. >If Anon ever orders a milkshake, she brings it to his table balanced on her back; says "Here's your milk-shake, shake, shake..." while swinging her hips back and forth
  4204. >Anon is doing his best not to bend Pinkie over the table and fuck her right there in the shop
  4211. >Anon arrives in Equestria.
  4212. >But something fucks up, and he ends up comatose.
  4213. >Twilight finds him and takes him to Canterlot for research.
  4214. >Luna is guarding the dream realm as usual when she notices that the strange ape is dreaming as well.
  4215. >Out of curiosity, she takes a peek.
  4216. >She is hounded by a constant feeling of loneliness and longing.
  4217. >This is something that is bred over the years, strengthened by neglect, forged by dismissal.
  4218. >She looks for the ape, to find him in a dark room, looking at a glowing box.
  4219. >He is all alone, looking at pictures of various ponies and strange text she has never seen before.
  4220. >Reaching forward, he touches the glowing box, and cries.
  4221. >"Why aren't you real?"
  4228. >Anon meets a zebra
  4229. >She's genuinely sweet and they hit it off
  4230. >She knows the sort of reception Zecora (aka literally the only zebra in town) got, and so zebrawaifu had a bit of fun
  4231. >She made a point of loudly bragging that "zebras be stealin' your husbandos"
  4232. >Applejack has to be physically held back
  4233. >Zebrawaifu and Anon laugh about it back home while they snuggle on the couch together
  4240. >Poners are adorable to Anon and they're small enough for him to cuddle three at once
  4241. >He's just a man
  4242. >He's just a man who has been told to be tough all his life, and suddenly he's in a society that encourages the opposite
  4243. >So when he realizes that males in this world are pretty much considered weird if they don't have shit like 30 plushies in their bedroom, something in Anon's mind snaps
  4244. >He starts hugging ponies and he can't stop
  4245. >They're tiny
  4246. >He can hold several at once
  4247. >They squirm and make little squeaks and shouts of adorable distress
  4248. >Their chests have thick tufts of sweet-smelling fur, and their tummy-tum-tums are soft and prefect for rubbing his face into
  4249. >Their noses are cushioney and perfect for booping, and even their hooves have incredibly soft pads on the bottom behind the hoof part; soft like a cat's paw is
  4250. >After a week-long cuddle bender, Anon is known as a cuddle-slut throughout Ponyville
  4251. >However, much to Anon's confusion, that doesn't make it difficult for him to get involved with a pony romantically
  4252. >They still like kisses and they sure as hell like sex, but they only ever get cagey when he tries to cuddle with them
  4253. >Some of them act normally around him with kisses and sex but start talking to him like he's a slut if the topic of cuddles ever comes up
  4254. >Some of them are fine with kisses and sex but then try to come up with excuses not to cuddle with "used goods" like him
  4255. >"I-I just don't want to catch cuddle-cooties, okay?!"
  4258. Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you have your cootie shot.
  4259. >"I-is that it?"
  4260. >You nod to the minty unicorn.
  4261. Yep, it's that simple.
  4262. >"Twilight? It can't be that simple."
  4263. >"No, he's right! Cootie levels are dropping rapidly all the way down to..."
  4264. >Twilight looks shocked, her horns glow fading before pulsing with light again and again.
  4265. >"Twilight? Please..."
  4266. >"I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't see it with my own eyes ore feel it with my own magic. Lyra Heartstrings, you are completely cootie free."
  4267. >You knelt down and picked up the little mare and gave her a hug
  4268. >"...it's been so long."
  4269. With you guys having so much magic I figured that most, if not all, diseases would be taken care of.
  4270. >"This could change everything, with time maybe even a vaccine can be developed!"
  4271. >You squat down, Lyra finally returning your hug and boop Twiggles in her adorable little muzzle.
  4272. Twilight, it's curative and preventative. Don't you ponies know anything about cootie shots?
  4273. >"Anonymous, I have no idea how your people found this cure but cooties are still the worst of all cuddle transmitted diseases.
  4274. >You have to hold back a laugh.
  4275. I didn't know it was so serious, Twilight. Here.
  4276. >Doing the old gestures that you remember from elementary you give Twilight the 'vaccine'
  4277. Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now YOU have your cootie shot.
  4278. >"Wait? But that wasn't my forehoof? Why my cheek Anonymous?
  4279. It's different for every person and pony.
  4280. >"How do you know, Anon?", Lyra asks finally taking her face from the crook of your neck.
  4281. >So fucking cute.
  4282. Well training, of course. I mastered cootie shots back when I was seven.
  4283. >Their eyes went wide, and Twilight poofed in a scroll and spoke up.
  4284. >"Of course! Since 'humans' aren't tied to the magic of destiny, you're free to train your children from a young age and hyper-specialize! But first things first, would you mind if I contacted the Princess? This cure will be revolutionary!"
  4290. >Anon is an advanced android built for police work from a futuristic world.
  4291. >He has great strength, speed, and reaction time to aid in pursuit of targets, while also having a very organic, human-like appearance to help civilians more easily trust him.
  4292. >He's solved many cases, stopped numerous criminals, and saved countless lives over his many years in service.
  4293. >Even with newer, more advanced models coming out, he's still one of the best officers his city has ever seen, making up for his aging tech with hard-earned wisdom and grit.
  4294. >For all of these reasons, Anon finds it infuriating that no pony will believe him when he informs them that he is a police robot and competent officer.
  4295. >They're all certain that he is a sex robot stuck on 'sexy cop' setting, most likely having been pulled straight from a bacherlorette party by the mysterious vortex.
  4296. >Anon has never regretted the inclusion of a penis module in his design before now
  4302. >Anon in RGRE
  4303. >Gets horse-married to <insert waifu here>
  4304. ><waifu> is old-fashioned and expects Anon to be a househusband for her
  4305. >He takes to it like a fish to water
  4306. >Doesn't have to work
  4307. >Cleans and shit for maybe 2 or 3 hours
  4308. >Rest of the day is just doing whatever
  4309. >Spends time with his friends
  4310. >Makes sure his hard-working wife has a hot dinner and lots of belly-rubs for when she gets home from work
  4311. >Anon's more forward-thinking friends wonder where it all went wrong and how oppressive it must be for Anon; meanwhile, Anon finishes reading his favourite book and then decides to take a nap because he has so much free time
  4318. >Anon needs a job to support himself
  4319. >One option is a secretary but that mostly involves taking messages, bringing coffee to his horse-boss, and getting his ass slapped when she asks him to bend over and pick up the pen she just pushed off her desk; AGAIN
  4320. >There are other options (strippers, etc) but Anon isn't exactly a beef cake and the last thing he wants is for a mare to laugh when he takes off his clothes
  4321. >And so, Anon puts ads out into the paper: Foal-sitter for hire
  4322. >He's a natural
  4323. >Foals are high-energy, but lack stamina and are out like a light in no-time
  4324. >Unpredictable magic is a problem, but nothing harmful has happened to Anon yet
  4325. >Pegasi foals can't fly very far yet, so all Anon has to worry about is making sure one doesn't jump out a window and try to fly like mommy does
  4326. >Plus, they're tiny and soft and adorable and since he's the woman of this world, nopony thinks it's weird when he cuddles other pony's children
  4327. >Applejack in particular rolls her eyes and quips that she knew that "janefilly thing" was just an act
  4328. >Anon charges her double his usual rate for when nopony is around to take care of Apple Bloom except for him
  4329. >Ponies notice this change in their biggest and more alien friend in town
  4330. >Some mares want big families too and are happy that there's a stallion out there who won't resent them for having to take care of lots of foals
  4331. >Others are hesitant and worry that being involved with Anon would put a financial and emotional strain on their relationship should they ever pursue him
  4332. >Anon is ignorant to all this (minus the occasional comment about his "paternal instincts" coming through) and is just happy to be earning money to play with pony babies
  4339. >Anon run ragged having to deal with a hormonal and temperamental Cadence since Shining noped the fuck out.
  4340. >Has to constantly deflect her horny attentions.
  4341. >Has to satisfy her cravings for odd foods by running down to the stores at 3AM.
  4342. >...Realizing he fucked up three years later when Flurry's second words are "Daddy" to him, since he was the prominent male role-model in her life.
  4343. >Welp
  4345. >...what.
  4346. >Oh, no.
  4347. >Oh, this is bad.
  4348. "N-No, sweetie," you try and correct, "That's 'Uncle Anon', okay?"
  4349. >The nervous quiver in your voice is obvious to both you and Cadence, whose hooves still haven't left her mouth.
  4350. "Can you say that? 'Uncle Anon'?"
  4351. >Flurry claps her hooves happily, ignorant to the can of worms that had just opened.
  4352. >"Daddy! Daddy!"
  4354. >Shining's kidnapped pretty much every other Tuesday.
  4355. >One group of dragons in particular even wrote out a schedule for it.
  4356. >He's pretty much dead inside over it by this point.
  4357. >When he's told by a nervous Cadence and Anon after his latest rescue that Flurry called the human 'Daddy' he's just all 'Okay.'
  4358. >Chrysalis kidnaps him that night.
  4359. >She just shares a beer with him because she knows what it's like to get betrayed by your kids
  4361. >Anon has been busy keeping Cadence from falling apart and raising Flurry Heart to find a special somepony
  4362. >Even by the time Flurry's grown to around teen-age, he's still herdless and basically helps out around the castle like some kind of trusted pseudo-adviser to Cadence
  4363. >Flurry thinks the reason Anon gets cagey when "you're basically my dad" gets brought up is because he doesn't want to be chained down by acknowledging his status of dad or that he doesn't believe in horse-marriage or something like that
  4364. >"Like, when auntie Twi's friends come visiting, half of them talk about them by calling them 'your mom and dad', so I don't get the big deal."
  4366. >Cadance knows about Flurry's taste for O&O
  4367. >kind of hard to miss when she can hear her yelling about snake eyes or natural 20's in the RCV at times
  4368. >while it hurts hearing almost-constant reminders that Shining would have loved to play with their daughter, she lets her have her fun
  4369. >an old widow like her could put aside her discomfort if it meant her daughter could be happy
  4370. >however, as she passes her daughter's room, she hears something different than the usual exposition and sounds of joy/rage
  4371. >"Flurry, do you know when your mom's gonna marry your Uncle-but-Pretty-Much-Dad Anon?"
  4372. >she stops, ears trained and eyes wide
  4373. >the sound of ruffling papers and clattering dice fills the air
  4374. >"18. I dunno, why?"
  4375. >"Well, its just I heard my dad saying last night that its 'shameful for him to lead a mare on like he has' last night"
  4376. >something falls to the ground with a loud clatter
  4378. >Cadence winces
  4379. >it didn't sound like the table, so small mercies
  4380. >"Hey-hey-hey-hey, calm down, Flurry! I don't like that he said it either, thats why I asked!"
  4381. >a few grumbles she can't make out float through the open door
  4382. >"I know he's real nice to all of us when we're here, but what am I supposed to do about it? He's my dad!"
  4383. >she catches her daughter's voice again
  4384. >"Alright alright, I get it."
  4385. >a heavy sigh is heard
  4386. >"I just hate hearing ponies talk about my dad like that."
  4387. >the sound of hooves hitting the floor
  4388. >one of Flurry's friends probably walked around the table to her
  4389. >"Hey, don't you worry, Flurry, we've got your back"
  4390. >a few quiet words are spoken
  4391. >probably some manner of friendship lesson that'd tickle Old Aunt Celestia pink something terrible, Cadance'd wager
  4392. >so, with a smile on her face, she trots off to her room
  4393. >the fact ponies are thinking that Anon, bless his heart, is leading her on is worrying, but that can wait 'till tomorrow
  4394. >right now, she needs some sleep
  4396. >back in Flurry's room, three thoughtful fillies glare at the table, their game forgotten
  4397. >the alicorn among them looks up
  4398. >"So... what do we do?"
  4399. >the unicorn going by the name of Lighting Zest nods once
  4400. >"I think its's obvious, Flurry."
  4401. >the earth pony I-can't-be-arsed-to-name nods as well, a smile growing on her face
  4402. >"We've gotta get you're mom and dad together, for realsies! That way, nopony will say mean things about them!"
  4403. >Flurry is shocked for the briefest moment, before she smiles as well
  4404. >as one the three rise
  4405. >"Cutie Mark Crusaders, Imperial Division, ready for action!"
  4407. >Heart getting suspended from school because she blew up half the building after not-pleasant snide remarks were made about her Dad.
  4408. >Though disappointed and conflicted, he hugs her better.
  4409. >This only compounds the view other ponies have of their dynamic
  4411. >Young Flurry Heart tries pull a Hearts and Hooves surprise for her parents.
  4412. >Ha no idea about the awkwardness she has created.
  4413. >They have to go along with it, unable to bear the thought of hurting her feelings.
  4415. >Awkward romantic dinner.
  4416. >Awkward couple's walk in the most romantic areas of Canterlot.
  4417. >Awkward moment where she poorly hides giggling, waiting for them to kiss.
  4419. >Her partners-in-crime are Celestia and Twilight, who wants to see her family happy despite the pang in her heart
  4421. >Be Anon
  4422. >It has been exactly 8 months since Flurry Heart was born
  4423. >She won't get off your face
  4424. >She's gripping your head like some kind of hoofed spider-monkey
  4425. >But dammit if this is the only thing that will make Cadence laugh, so you're putting up with it.
  4426. >"Owmnomnom~"
  4427. >Even if it means Flurry Heart is chewing on your hair.
  4428. >You have a secret weapon, though, if you really want her to release you.
  4429. >Your mouth just so happens to be right over her belly, which means you can blow raspberries until she laughs and lets go
  4430. >But you'll bide your time... at least until Cadence stops taking photos of this
  4432. >Flurry Heart begins to call Anon "daddy" at a very young age
  4433. >Too young to actually realize he's not her father
  4434. >Cadence apologizes to Anon, thinking that he'd feel awkward or be worried that he's going to be roped into being Shining's replacement and would, thus, leave
  4435. >She's surprised when Anon pulls her into a hug, basically apologizing for the same thing
  4436. >They almost have a giggle m8 about it together
  4437. >Anon tries to dissuade Flurry Heart from calling him "daddy" and tries to get her into the habit of calling him "uncle Anon" instead, but the little filly just won't do it
  4438. >It takes a late night where Flurry Heart is crying, calling for her daddy and won't stop until Anon is holding her that he gives up
  4439. "Okay, kiddo, you win. I'm daddy. Tell you what: we'll wait until you understand language before we try this again, okay?"
  4440. >"Daddy!"
  4441. "...okay."
  4449. >anon is a foal sitter
  4450. >cute little filly he looks after develops a crush on him
  4451. >her crush stops being as cute when she goes through puberty and tries to masturbate stealthily in his presence
  4452. >she doesn't know that anon can see hear and smell her getting off
  4453. >it's awkward as fuck
  4454. >anon knows what she's going through with all the hormones and stuff
  4455. >he tries to get her to stop without her finding out that he knows as to prevent any memories that would make her cringe later in life
  4461. >Turns out coding and magic are much more similar than you might think
  4462. >This also applies in how they are depicted in media
  4463. >So when Anon tells them he worked as a system administrator ponies think he is some type of magical colt
  4464. >Holds an almost spiritual bond with Twilight, both knowing the true horrors of spending hours on broken code only to find the the one issue 15 hours and a mental breakdown later
  4466. >"Okay. So for whatever reason, this section of magical runes isn't getting the input it's expecting to get."
  4467. "Right."
  4468. >And THIS section of magical runes, the ones that are sending output to that FIRST section, keep giving me and error unless I give it a very specific input spell."
  4469. "Gotcha."
  4470. >"So I dissected the entire thing, put little 'debug/status update' nodes bucking EVERYWHERE, and carefully fed each section very specific input. I did this for 5 hours."
  4471. "Sounds like my average Friday night back on Earth."
  4472. >"Turns out, when I was carving out those runes in that first section? I completely forgot to make it start counting at zero instead of one, so it kept repeating itself until it began looking for magical input that just wasn't there."
  4473. "Ouch."
  4474. >"I want to kill myself, Anon."
  4480. >Proud Saiyan warrior Anon stranded in Equestria.
  4481. >He's kinda weak for a saiyan, so when he first arrived to conquer the planet, he was defeated by the combined powers of the Princesses in a long battle.
  4482. >Being kind ponies, and Anon himself a male, they of course spare him.
  4483. >And Anon, being a hot-headed idiot threatens that once the full moon comes, he will destroy them all as the mighty oozaru.
  4484. >Princess Luna subsequently thwarts this plan.
  4485. >Eventually, the ponies give the saiyan permission to work on his ship, which was damaged by a bunch of shit-head fillies while he was imprisoned, and leave the planet, him having given his word to never return.
  4486. >The first function he gets back online is the radio receiver, just in time to get the news that Planet Vegeta has been destroyed.
  4487. >His home and people gone, Anon doesn't know what to do.
  4488. >The ponies don't know either.
  4489. >How do you comfort a stallion who has just lost everything?
  4495. >Anon is a powerful deal making demon.
  4496. >Everypony thinks he's an incubus.
  4497. >He's stuck between being insulted, and thankful for the confusion.
  4498. >On one hand, incubus are lowly creatures that he is far above.
  4499. >On the other, he's made so many contracts for the simple and enjoyable act of sex.
  4500. >Mare's could be asking for fame or fortune, heck, they could even ask to have stallions of their own, but instead they all just want the DemonD and are willing to sell their souls for it.
  4501. >When he finally returns to Hell, he'll be stronger than the Devil, juiced up with hundred of horny pony souls as he is.
  4507. >Be Anon
  4508. >Be really pissed off
  4509. >"Anon, are you really going out without your testicle bra? There are gonna be mares there, and they'll think you're a slut!"
  4510. >Caramel won't leave you alone ever since you laughed when he told you about testicle bras
  4511. "Nobody's going to even notice, Caramel. Look, I'm just going to the store to get some milk."
  4512. >"And don't you think ponies will notice when they see your pants jiggle or catch sight of your balls pressing against your human pants?"
  4513. "I'm wearing jeans! You can't see balls through jeans!"
  4514. >"Unicorns can with the right spell! Why do you think the bras have runes stitched into them? Aren't you worried about finding a nice herd someday?"
  4515. >These stallions are insufferable.
  4516. >"And get me some ice cream while you're out!"
  4524. >Anon never really thought he'd have kids in equestria, blood-related or otherwise
  4525. >so when Shining passed and he found himself taking care of a heavily pregnant Cadance, then a newborn Flurry, he found himself at a loss
  4526. >he simply wasn't parent-material, he thought
  4527. >in desperation, he started to take after the greatest man he ever knew
  4528. >Mr. Rogers
  4529. >even got himself a red sweater, too
  4530. >whenever Flurry has an accident, magical or otherwise, he stops and asks himself "what would Mr. Rogers do?"
  4531. >nine times out of ten, Mr. Rogers would make the right choice
  4532. >eventually, what started out as a decision-making aid, eventually turned into something of a way of life for Anon
  4533. >he started cutting back on his drinking, swearing, and all manner of other things
  4534. >found himself calmer and happier than ever
  4535. >and no one was more surprised than Anon himself when Cadance approached him a few years down the line with an offer to go get some coffee, just the two of them
  4536. >while they were out, some gentle probing revealed that Cadance "couldn't think of a better father for Flurry, and since he's pretty much doing the legwork already, why not give it a shot at making it 'real?'"
  4537. >as soon as the words leave her mouth, her eyes widen and she waves a hoof franticly
  4538. >"N-not that I'm trying to rope you into anything Anon! After you've helped me for so long, without asking for a thing in return, I respect you far too much to even think of trying something like that."
  4539. >she looks down at the table, looking almost ashamed
  4540. >a shocked and curious Anon waits for her to compose her thoughts
  4541. >Cadance looks back up, a curiously whimsical look in her eyes mixing wa determination Anon hasn't seen there since Shining died
  4542. >"And after getting to know you after all this time, can you really blame a mare for wanting to try?"
  4548. >Spaghetti mare's mom used to take her out camping when she was younger, so she knows how to pitch a tent (yeah, she does)
  4549. >Nervously volunteers to go with Anon after he mentions off-hand that he thinks he wants to camp for the weekend
  4550. >nearly has a panic attack when she realizes her ovaries spoke before her brain could process what Anon said
  4551. >Triple-checks she has everything, not expecting Anon to own a tent or know anything about camping
  4552. >Makes sure she was TWO boxes of condoms just in case either A) one gets lost or B) they use up the entire first box
  4553. >Psyches herself up before knocking on Anon's door to pick him up
  4554. >"C'mon, Moonie, you can do this. All you gotta do is show him that you're a big, strong mare; maybe show off your tuft while you're chopping firewood for him, and he'll be all over you. He's always petting your ears and rubbing your tummy, so maybe he's using this trip as an excuse to be alone with you. YOU GOT THIS"
  4555. >For all her planning, she forgets (or "forgets") to bring a sleeping bag with her and has to share Anon's when they turn in for the night
  4556. >Wakes up to Anon poking her with his morning wood
  4563. >After five years of RGREquestrian life, Anon has gone native.
  4564. >Not like he goes naked or anything, but he has become the ideal husbando in the eyes of mares.
  4565. >It was a slow process, him learning how to cook because none of the mares in his herd knew how, or learning to sew to save money on his own clothing.
  4566. >Things were compounded when his first foal was born and Anon realized how reckless ponies were about it.
  4567. >Mares, at least, seemed perfectly content to let foals live and learn and crawl into manticor dens.
  4568. >By the birth of his third child, Anon was a fretting house husband and all around super dad.
  4569. >None of this was bad, of course, except for in the eyes of the second human man to show up in Equestria.
  4570. >Incognito saw Anonymous and quickly called him out on being a effeminate bitch.
  4571. >Anon denies this at first, but as Incognito continues to point out his girly actions, Anon realizes he lost his machismo to domestic life, and asks the other human to help him find it again.
  4572. >All the mares know is that some whore human has shown up and is becoming a very clear bad influence on their stallion.
  4573. >Now it's a battle between his herd and Incognito for the fate of Anon's masculinity
  4575. >Incognito snickers at you; what a ruffian.
  4576. "You're such a pussy, Anon."
  4577. >WHAT
  4578. "Excuse me! How dare you!"
  4579. >Words HURT, Incognito.
  4580. >They HURT.
  4581. >You have half a mind to slap him right in the face, mithter
  4582. >You feel tears well up in the corners of you eyes from the other human's rough words, and then it hits you all at once.
  4583. >You were about to cry from this.
  4584. "Oh, my god."
  4585. >He's right.
  4586. >God help you, he was RIGHT.
  4587. "I *am* a pussy."
  4588. >You look back up at Incognito, and he's peering down at you with pity in his eyes.
  4589. >You try to speak, but your words come out as a harsh, terrified whisper.
  4590. "They've broken me."
  4591. ---
  4592. >Thankfully, all it took to get back to your old self was a few weeks of being in the presence of someone NORMAL.
  4593. >You just needed a good frame of reference, and a regular guy from Earth let you get your head back on your shoulders.
  4594. >Turns out Incog is a real bro.
  4595. >You still worry about your foals and you still prefer a couple hours of house-cleaning to a shitty 9-5 job, and MAYBE you take a certain amount of pleasure from spending your afternoon with a few stallion friends where you gossip and drink margaritas, but you're no longer every sitcom mom ever.
  4596. >Nice try, Equestria.
  4597. >Nice try.
  4598. >Your favourite drink from the bar has yet to change back to beer from those fruity colty drinks, but you guess you'll just have to take the good with the bad.
  4603. >Modern stallions are pretty much seen as whores for the most part.
  4604. >Unfaithful, scheming, gold-digging and shameless, so the stereotypes go.
  4605. >A growing number of mares (MGTOW- Mares Going Their Own Way) often reminisce of a time when stallions were wholesome and family-oriented.
  4606. >Anon does not know about this yet.
  4607. >So one night while he's having a casual drink with Luna (though she's considered a major Trixie and is a Princess, she's a full-blown sunhat tipper) Anon gets a bit too loose with his talk after a few drinks and lets slip that he is actually a virgin.
  4608. >Luna's face when
  4610. Also, 
  4612. >You will never have a yandere princess determined to have a wholesome relationship with you.
  4620. >One day they decide to have a guys trip to Canterlot
  4621. >Shenanigans ensue with Anon running to and fro trying to keep his buddies from either killing themselves or getting themselves raped
  4622. >A visit to the castle turns sour and Celestia has to step in to help Anon wrangle in the stallions
  4623. >Both out of breath and both slightly pissed off they swallow their anger and give them a light scolding before Anon sends them off so that he can thank the princess
  4624. >As they all start to make their way to the gates they all call back "Thanks mom, thanks dad"
  4625. >They both stare at each other then at the stallions then back at each other
  4626. >After a brief awkward silence Celestia speaks up
  4627. >"Would it be alright to ask you if you wanted to get a drink or would your herd not approve"
  4628. "Oh I don't actually have a herd, taking care of those idiots is a handful as it is, so yeah a drink would be great"
  4629. >Keeping her composure Celestia leads Anon into a private bar in the castle normally only accessible to the public during the Gala
  4630. >Meanwhile she can't help but do a mental jig as she spends the night with Anon
  4637. >"Anon, wait! Don't leave me, I'm so much more susceptible to predators now!"
  4639. >"Oh Celestia, oh Celestia, oh Celestia"
  4640. "Look, calm down. I'm just going to go into the kitchen and get an ice pack for your leg."
  4641. >"I'm going to die on this couch, aren't I?"
  4643. >"Anon, you've been so good to me. You've shown more patience than I expected from a stallion. I know you've done your best, but I think it's time we face the facts. My leg is broken; there's no coming back from an injury like this. How can I run if I can't even stand?"
  4644. "For christ's sake. You wear the magical cast and lay in bed for a few weeks; that's how. You act as though every Chimera in that shitty swamp is suddenly going to be aware that you're hurt and are homing in on this house as we speak."
  4645. >[scared horse noises]
  4652. >tfw Sunset is your handler 
  4653. >tfw she knows from hoers Twilight that you're an interdimensional alien
  4654. >tfw she knows that you're used to different gender roles
  4655. >tfw she also knows that you're genetically hardwired to stare at a nice pair of tits
  4656. >tfw she and you both know that she has a pretty great pair herself
  4657. >tfw RGREQ girls walk around topless on the regular
  4658. >tfw she knows that you know that she knows everything
  4659. >tfw she still walks around topless
  4660. >In fact, she goes out of her way to do it, especially when it's cold so her nipples get super hard
  4661. >tfw she enjoys your spaghetti
  4662. >tfw she encourages her friends to walk around topless whenever it's appropriate
  4663. >Like all the time
  4664. >tfw you have no face but must scream
  4671. >Sunset just picks someone's house at random and just... lives there for a while
  4672. >got to the point that all of her friends have set up either a dedicated "Shimmer" room, or at least have a pallet and a few sets of clothes ready whenever she decides to "visit"
  4673. >enter Anon, who Sunset has decided via horse-logic is OBVIOUSLY her soul-mate or something of that sort
  4674. >her friends take the fact she's staying with them less and less as a sign that things are going well between them
  4675. >meanwhile, Anon just wishes she'd leave and stop eating all his fucking sun/moon-chips
  4682. >You stare down at Twilight
  4683. >She stares up at you
  4684. >You narrow her eyes at her
  4685. >She puffs out her wings and narrows her.... green eyes at you.
  4686. "For fuck's sake."
  4687. >You walk up to 'Twilight' and smack her upside the head.
  4688. "How many times do I have to tell you, Chrysalis, the green eyes are a dead give-away.
  4689. >'Twilight' falls onto her rump and crosses her arms, pouting.
  4690. >"It worked back when I was imitating that one apple farmer..."
  4691. >Who; Applejack?
  4692. "Yeah, but she already HAS green eyes, genius. And while we're on the subject, AJ's eyes don't glow either."
  4693. >With a puff of green, smokeless fire, Twilight burns away and Chrysalis is left in the flame's wake.
  4694. "You weren't even close to her personality, either."
  4695. >Chrysalis jerks out of her pouty-grumpy pose and stares at you with disbelief.
  4696. >"What are you talking about?! I was dead on!"
  4697. "What do you mean, you were dead on? You thought the Princess of Friendship would tell her best friend - her MALE best friend, I might add - to fuck off after he turned down... what; TWO drunk mares at the bar last night?"
  4698. >Chrysalis scoffs and gets to her hooves, turning around and walking back into Twilight's castle.
  4699. >"I was DEAD on," she reasserts, throwing her head back haughtily, "But I suppose I shouldn't be so surprised that a member of the fairer sex would be so air-headed as not to notice the obvious."
  4700. >You can just FEEL the injured pride oozing off of this mare.
  4701. >"As it is, I think I know a little bit more than you do about disgui-"
  4702. "So, how well did you nail Cadence's personality?" you ask innocently
  4703. >The changeling queen's mouth snaps shut with an audible click.
  4704. >"Anonymous, you are VERY lucky I have a policy against striking colts," she growls quietly, "Because I thought we agreed never to speak about my attempted you-know-what in the frozen tartarus-hole of you-know-where."
  4705. >You jog a couple of steps to catch up with Chrysalis and, when you're close enough, run your fingers through her mane.
  4706. "C'mon, it's not so bad. Ultimately, the entire invasion was what convinced Twilight to nag Celestia into open diplomacy with you. She saw how your people were suffering, and so she presented you with an olive branch. Things aren't all that rough now that your subjects are no longer starving, right?"
  4707. >Chrysalis leans into your hand, nearly stumbling into you and bumping into your leg.
  4708. >"Well..."
  4709. >You go from mane-petting to ear-scritching, which elicits an audible moan of contentment from Chrysalis.
  4710. "Aaaaand," you add teasingly, stretching the word out as you give one ear a vigorous scratching, "You managed to get a coltfriend out of it, right?"
  4711. >"C-Concubine," she muttered struggling to think clearly through the pleasures of ear-scritches, "Y-You're my royal concubine."
  4712. >Chrysalis once more stumbles towards you, this time rubbing herself aggressively against your leg.
  4713. >You've been dating this bug-pone for long enough to recognize the tell-tale signs of wanting sum fuk.
  4714. "Hey, woah," you laugh, gently pushing her away, "You've still got that friendship lesson with Twilight in a few minutes, remember?"
  4715. >Chrysalis huffs and, with great effort, breaks away from you.
  4716. >"I'll have you know that I am excellent at making friends."
  4717. >You just stare at your marefriend, not even bothering to speak up at how wrong that sentence was.
  4718. >Chrysalis stares back, but retreats with a sigh and a pair of ears that flop sadly against her skull.
  4719. >"I'm not THAT bad," she mutters, lowering her head in displeasure.
  4720. >D'aww, you can't stand to see her looking so sad.
  4721. "C'mon, cuddlebug. If you get through one of Twilight's classes, I'll make your favourite dinner tonight."
  4722. >Chrysalis's ears perk up immediately.
  4723. >"Captured pony?!"
  4724. >What?
  4725. >No.
  4726. "SECOND favourite meal."
  4727. >"...Captured griffon?"
  4728. >Oh, for-
  4729. "Third fav-"
  4730. >You catch sight of a grin growing across Chrysalis's face, and realize she's been teasing you.
  4731. "Oh, just get going," you laugh with a light shove, "And I'll see you later today, okay?"
  4732. >With a wink and a rather sinister grin, considering the teeth, Chrysalis trots off to her meeting with Twilight.
  4733. >You've got a raw manticore steak to prepare for your marefriend.
  4734. >You'll never find out that your relationship with Chrysalis was what helped her progress as quickly as she did through Twilight's lessons.
  4735. >Your love is a precious thing to her.
  4742. >anon was first transported to pony equestria first and eventually made friends with the mane six
  4743. >he's well liked but everypony considers him a a nuisance
  4744. >harmless but annoying
  4745. >like discord but without the PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS
  4747. >the story follows during sunset shimmer's theft of twilights crown
  4748. >instead of twilight going alone, anon comes with her
  4749. >albeit unwillingly
  4750. >they're both sucked in during their planning stages 
  4751. >anon and spike attempted to pull twi back into pony equestria but got pulled along with her 
  4752. >twi is tuned into a human, spike into a dog and anon...
  4753. >is turned into a small green pony
  4755. >despite the transformations their plan still goes forward
  4756. >and anon's penchant for mischief isnt stifled 
  4757. >only now he can get away with doing more bullshit 
  4758. >this exasperates twi and spike to no end
  4760. >shenanigans ensue
  4767. >Sunset feels guilty about all the extra attention her boyfriend Anon has been giving her ever since she told him she was pregnant.
  4768. >Sure it’s expected that a stallion gets a little more fussy concerning his mares when they get pregnant, and the same rings true in RGREqG, but Anon takes it to a level she’s never seen before.
  4769. >Sunset enjoys it, but also doesn’t want to feel emaresculated or feel like she’s taking advantage of her condition for extra affection
  4771. Sunny's trying to be stoic about the whole thing but the hormones are seriously messing her up
  4776. I'm actually kinda interested in how the issue of trying to reform a villain like Chrysalis would work in RGRE, especially if that villain has become (via shenanigans) Anon's significant other. Aside from the typical situation of mares worrying that the villain is abusing Anon in some capacity, of course. I used to see "friendship is literally magic; Anon spend his life among friends and loved ones; Anon has vast untapped magic wells" be thrown around pretty frequently a good while back (in context of RGRE changeling posts), so maybe Anon volunteered his assistance in a sort of... I don't know, stress pet for the changeling queen, like how they give cats to prisoners? Not necessarily "stress pet", because that sounds a bit demeaning, but something along the lines of that same concept: Anon has what it takes to keep Chrysalis soothed and sedated; enough for her to be in the right mindset for redemption and/or boring friendship lessons to take place and actually stick in her mind. And if we want to go deeper than that, thanks to the biased gender ratio and the reversed gender roles, finding males who aren't losing their erections via horsepants-shitting terror in her presence would be a rarity. I could see Chrysalis finding Anon to be VERY interesting. How does the former ruler of a terrifying bug empire (a ruler who, admittedly, doesn't have much experience with the fairer sex) get with Anon without ponies freaking out and assuming she's brainwashed him or something?
  4778. >Anon doesn't put effort into being a professional counselor
  4779. >He's just there and listens to them
  4780. >Doesn't judge
  4781. >Becomes their friend
  4782. >3/4 of the villains (and potential villains) he makes friends with mellow out considerably
  4783. >Chrysalis in particular just sorta started crashing on his couch and never left, and neither one of them ever brought the issue up
  4784. >"I saved up some bits and bought a bed, 'cause that couch of yours is lumpy. Mind if I put this in your spare room?"
  4785. "No, go ahead."
  4786. >"Cool."
  4787. "Does this mean I won't find glowing green slime in between my couch cushions anymore?"
  4788. >"Shut up."
  4794. >When a married mare dies, especially if she was her stallion's only partner, or if she left him some foals, it was traditional for her unmarried sister(s) (or other close relation or godmother to the foals) to either marry him (especially if he didn't have any other mares) or at least move in and help (in a herd situation).
  4796. >Ponies are prone to overreactions, and so when waifu gets injured/ill, panic ensues.
  4797. >It's not terminal, but that doesn't stop her sister (or other relation) from moving in immediately.
  4798. "If you wanted to get your sister in on this, all you had to do was ask."
  4799. >"I just wanted to make sure you're taken care of."
  4800. "You're not dying. A few weeks, two months at the most, and you'll be back on your hooves."
  4801. >Her poor Anon, deluding himself into thinking she's fine.
  4802. >She really is fine
  4808. >Ponies and the concept of personal space generally have a strained relationship
  4809. >A fact which Anon used and abused to satisfy his cuddleslut ways.
  4810. >His best bro Rainbow was shamelessly taking advantage of this for snuggles whenever she visited.
  4811. >Except by shamelessly, I mean she refused to breathe a word of it to anyone else.
  4812. >She's got a rep to maintain.
  4814. >At first she hadn't even really considered him as a potential romantic partner.
  4815. >They were bros, and that was something she understood.
  4816. >Now she's caught feelings, but worries that her 'unmarely' cuddly ways, and her bro status, have ruined her chances.
  4817. >And trying to say or do anything to escalate their relationship seems liable (to her) to backfire and mean no coltfriend AND no more couch cuddles
  4823. >Anon ends up in RGRE fifteen years before the start of canon as a teenager.
  4824. >ends up becoming best friends, business partners, and brothers in all but blood with Filthy Rich
  4825. >is named Diamond Tiara’s godfather when she’s born
  4826. >tragedy strikes when a business trip goes south.
  4827. >Filthy and Spoiled’s carriage gets attacked by diamond dogs
  4828. >Anon never liked Spoiled, but is deeply wounded by Filthy’s death.
  4829. >being Diamond Tiara’s godfather, he gained custody of the infant when her parents died.
  4830. >at the same time, Anon’s wife gives birth to their own daughter, who they name Silver Spoon.
  4831. >Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are raised as sisters until Anon decides the former is ready to learn the truth
  4837. >Ponies are worried about Anon
  4838. >As their newest, biggest, and strangest stallion, ponies tend to notice him sempai more than they would a normal stallion
  4839. >And, given his status of one-of-his-kind alien creature, he tends to be on their mind more often than not
  4840. And that's my excuse for why the prompt has every pony ever exhibiting borderline-obsessed behaviour with Anon.
  4841. >Ponies can't help but dread that he's going to get himself injured if he keeps doing dangerous things like wandering the roads at night, chopping his own firewood with an axe that sharp, and going down to the market WITHOUT A MARE ESCORT TO PROTECT HIM
  4842. >What if a shop owner rapes him?!
  4843. >What if Applejack decides she can't put up with his sexy clothing and the way his bulge is at nose-height and decides to take his precious horse-virginity then and there?
  4844. >That little slut is practically asking for it!
  4845. >...
  4846. On a related note that is separate from this prompt: a prompt made from the perspective of a mare would be hilarious. ">One day that bit whore Anon was walking to market WITHOUT AN ESCORT, like he was just ASKING for a group of mares to try and rape him!"
  4847. >Anyway, the bottom line is that ponies are worried about him and his well-being, often in light-hearted and comedically exaggerated ways.
  4848. >Nothing they can do will convince Anon to think about starting up a herd (maybe full of a couple of mares who care enough about his well-being that they'd confront him about his safety, hint hint ANON)
  4849. >Not because Anon is a huge badass, but because poners are tiny and adorable and they can't even SWEAR properly, let alone make four-times-their-size-and-three-times-their-weight Anon do anything he doesn't consent to
  4850. >But how can they convince him that he needs either safety in numbers or to stay in the kitchen where he belongs?
  4851. >Cue a convenient roving band of travelers entering Ponyville.
  4852. >Anon's friends/hopeful potential herdmares (idk... Twilight & co.) talk to the visitors and convince them with money to dress up like bandits and harmlessly harass Anon for a bit
  4853. >"If he realizes he isn't safe, then he'll even maybe snuggle me and my friends and we'll be happy forever together and there'll be horse-hugs and marriage and f-foals..."
  4854. >The travelers politely wait for Twilight to regain her composure
  4855. >"Anyway. Either he'll become convinced that he needs a herd for his protection for his big dumb adventures (like walking to market), or he'll learn that his place is in the kitchen, where he'll be safe."
  4856. >The travelers harass Anon as he goes out for a walk one night, dressed up in scary costumes and, much like an employee at a haunted house, doing their best to scare him without actually touching him because THAT is exactly how you get sued for rape
  4857. >Anon just finds these harmless little cuties adorable and picks them up, trying not to have a heart attack as they squeal and squirm ineffectively in his arms, bapping his chest with their soft widdle hoofsies and glaring at him with their big, bright eyes
  4858. >He brings them home, takes them out of their costumes, and they socialize over a round or two of hot chocolate
  4859. >Much to Twilight and her friend's disappointment, Anon DOES settle down with a herd; a herd full of adorable former travelers and drifters who now warm his bed with their tiny furry bodies
  4860. >Applejack starts charging Anon her actual usual rate rather than the "I'm so lonely please rut me" discount she gave him up until now
  4865. >"Blep."
  4866. >you are Anon
  4867. >"Blep."
  4868. >and this has got to be the weirdest week of your life, before AND after you came to horseland
  4869. >"Blep."
  4870. >you were a little confused when your rainbro decided to visit after she told you she (along with most of the mares in town, you realize) wouldn't be available for the next week, but it was all good
  4871. >"Blep."
  4872. >but then she started doing a bunch of weird shit, culminating in rubbing your head and blepping at you
  4873. >"Blep."
  4874. >and she wasn't even using her hoof or wing or anything that would've made sense
  4875. >"Blep."
  4876. >instead, she was rubbing your head with hers
  4877. >"Blep."
  4878. >at first you thought it was a nuzzle of some sort, but she always seemed to make sure she was rubbing top of your head with the bottom of her chin
  4879. >"Blep."
  4880. >man, cut as they are, ponies can be weird as hell sometimes
  4881. >"Blep."
  4887. >Be Anon.
  4888. >Of course.
  4889. >You wake up and go to put your robe on, only it isn't hanging where you left it.
  4890. >Neither is your hoodie, for that matter.
  4891. >Your pants also appear to be missing in action.
  4892. >You wander from your bedroom towards the kitchen, wondering if it's time to do laundry.
  4893. >A snoring sound from your couch attracts your attention.
  4894. /Oh, there are my clothes, in a pile on the couch./
  4895. /Wait a minute, I don't own anything that shade of blue./
  4896. >A closer inspection reveals a rainbow mane and tail, nestled comfortably in a pile of your clothing on the couch.
  4897. "Rainbow."
  4898. >She continues to snore.
  4899. "Rainbow. Dash."
  4900. >"Sknggkxx... fivemoreminutes."
  4901. "Wake up!'
  4902. >"Huh? What? I'm awake... oh, it's you! Good morning lover!"
  4903. >Wat...
  4904. "Don't just decide such things all by yourself."
  4905. >"I didn't," she says, sitting up in the pile of your clothes and stretching her wings, "you helped."
  4906. >Double wat...
  4907. "And when did this alleged help occur?"
  4908. >The blue pegasus leans over to you, wrapping one wing around you and nuzzling your bare chest.
  4909. >"Let night, at the bar, lover. You liked my dancing."
  4910. "And you construed that as an invitation to move in?"
  4911. >"Of course! It was a mating dance! C'mon, Anon, how thick can you be?"
  4912. >She tilts up her head and gives you a sleepy kiss.
  4913. >"Why don't you go make us some breakfast, huh? I got Zs to catch."
  4914. "What are you doing with my clothes?"
  4915. >"Nesting. I would have come into your room, but I couldn't work the door."
  4916. >A security measure against Fluttershy.
  4917. "Rainbow, I said you had nice moves, not come to my house and build a nest."
  4918. >"That's what a mating dance is for, friend. Go make us some breakfast, already. We're going to need our energy later."
  4919. >You dread the answer, but you ask the question anyhow.
  4920. "What for?"
  4921. >"For the mating part," she responds, nestling down into her pile again.
  4922. "Right."
  4923. >And off you stomp.
  4924. >You're going to need a hose, a broom, and some protective clothing.
  4925. >Whatever this is, you're putting an end to it.
  4926. >When you walk back into your living room, broom and spray bottle in hand (water mixed with a bit of lemon juice), you freeze
  4927. >Rainbow Dash is waiting for you, laying on her back and spreading her legs.
  4928. >She's got the most l-lewd expression on her face you've ever seen
  4929. >You slowly begin to lower the broom, but stop yourself.
  4930. >Be strong, Anon.
  4931. >Be strong for moth-
  4932. >*chirp*
  4933. >*chirp chirp purrr*
  4934. >And with that Rainbow flops down her ears and starts making soft bird noises.
  4935. >This combination of sexy and cute is making your kokoro go doki doki.
  4936. >...maaaaybe you can chase her out with the broom AFTER you get sum fuk.
  4937. ---
  4938. >You slam the picture book shut and smile down at your foals, running your fingers through your wife's mane as she rests her head on your lap.
  4939. "And that, kids, is how you were conceived."
  4940. >"Ew! Why did you tel-"
  4941. "All of you."
  4948. >some speculate that the Saddle Arabians are an offshoot of this elusive tribe
  4949. >of course, not while any saddle arabians are in the room, of course
  4950. >linking their proud nation to such barbarous raiders would be a grave insult
  4951. >nevermind how similar the average Saddle Arabian looks compared to your average Bandit-Pony
  4952. >in body shape and musculature, if not in cleanliness or dress
  4953. >though, some of the largest Bandit-Pony attacks have been first noticed coming from the same direction as the Equestrian-S.A border
  4954. >complete coincidence, as any Saddle Arabian would assure you
  4956. >back in the tribe proper
  4957. >whenever a filly wishes to claim a stallion/place in a herd and become a mare, she must ride out with her sisters on a raid with her sisters
  4958. >there she shall either win fortune and glory to support her chosen groom and tribe with, or she shall die for the tribe
  4959. >both are acceptable
  4960. >they will have no need for the weak when they finally manage to drive out the Equesrian infidels from their ancestral lands
  4961. >even if it means they must ally with their cowardly "cousins" that forsook the tribe and their dream to go play in the sand like foals
  4967. >You are Celestia, and you're out shopping with your sister
  4968. >Neither of you likes shopping, let alone CLOTHES shopping, and doing your chores at the same time is the only way to get them done at all.
  4969. >You've been putting of shopping for bras for a few years, and you're running so short on usable bras that you've started taking dirty ones and flipping them inside-out before you wear them.
  4970. >Unfortunately, your chest has grown a lot since last you shopped, and wearing a too-small bra around a bunch of young men was what you got in trouble with a bunch of angry fathers LAST time.
  4971. >ONE misunderstanding-fueled rape accusation was enough to last a lifetime, thank you very much.
  4972. >There's a reason you (or any other female teacher) don't substitute for gym any more when Miss Spitfire is sick.
  4973. >What reaction is your body SUPPOSED to have when you're surrounded by a bunch of boys wearing gym clothes?!
  4974. >It's not YOUR fault their shorts were so tight!
  4975. >Now, after a long search, you've finally found a bra that fits.
  4976. >Unlike most men's underwear, the pile of bras are all mostly plain in design and are neutral colours.
  4977. >"What?!"
  4978. >You hold the bra at arm's length and stare down at the price tag in shock.
  4979. >"$45?! I'm not paying for THIS crap!"
  4980. >Fuck it. You'll just go without; you can wear a thick jacket over your shirt at work to hide your nips if you have to.
  4981. >But that jacket won't help your aching back...
  4982. >As proud as you are of your bust, your big fat tits are KILLER on your back.
  4983. >Not that you'd ever admit that, though
  4984. >Female ego, and all
  4985. >You know what? You might as well go whole-hog while you're ditching your bras.
  4986. >You've got that orphan kid living with you and your sister - Anonymous - who claims to be from the same world that Sunset Shimmer chick was from.
  4987. >You're sure you can probably bribe him into giving you a backrub.
  4988. >You'll... give him candy?
  4989. >What do teenage boys like these days?
  4990. >Maybe you can convince him to massage your tits too, while you're at it.
  4992. >Celestia's a lewd drunk
  4993. >every time she drinks, she wakes up in bed with kinda-but-not-really-legal ward Anon
  4994. >sure, the first time scared the shit out of her and made her swear to never touch a drop of liquor again after making sure Anon didn't tell anyone what happened
  4995. >but fucking hell is working in a school stressful
  4996. >she only lasted a month before the urge to drink overcame her
  4997. >once more she was scared shitless that IT had happened AGAIN
  4998. >lasted a little longer this time
  4999. >but by the third time, she just decided to stop questioning it and accepted that having sex with one of her students was just part of her life now
  5000. >the fact he wasn't exactly a poor lay didn't really help, either
  5001. >she should have known it would never be simple again after the Sunset Incident
  5002. >Celestia thought it was her own behavior that led to her waking up with him, but it was Anon's own doing each time!
  5003. >he always did have a thing for MILFs
  5010. >Nerdalis targeted Shiny, not because he was powerful, and not because his fiance was an alicorn and a princess.
  5011. >All of that was just icing on the cake.
  5012. >The real reason was because Shiny was an unashamedly huge nerd himself.
  5013. >She'd been harboring a massive crush on him from the moment she first saw him (while in her NEET mare disguise) at the FLGS in Canterlot.
  5015. >Occasionally, he'd drop comments about his marefriend (often when another autistic NEET started spilling her spaghetti on him).
  5016. >Without fail it would drive her crazy to know that somebody else got to him before she did.
  5017. >When she heard about the imminent wedding, she just snapped.
  5018. >Came up with a shitty plan on the spot, and didn't have time to work out the kinks before she just went for it.
  5025. >Anon wants a child.
  5026. >No creature in Equestria can breed with him.
  5027. >Down in the dumps, he spends a while drinking and scheming
  5028. >There's always adoption...
  5029. >He goes to the orphanage to see about his options.
  5030. >Eventually, he manages to file for an adoption.
  5031. >No one told him that one of the rules is that he needs a "domestic partner" or the adoption is null.
  5032. >But the stallion at the orphanage was nice.
  5033. >Anon was able to bring his new "daughter" home.
  5034. >Now he has to find a domestic partner within a month 
  5035. >Days go by and Anon is not having any luck with the mares of Ponyville.
  5036. >Instead of being easy, like he thought they would be when he first got here-
  5037. >The mares in town don't find him particularly attractive in a romantic or sexual way.
  5038. >Seducing a mare is kind of in the back of his mind though.
  5039. >Anon is more focused on spending time with his new daughter.
  5040. >Things are going great with them.
  5041. >The filly is happy to have a home.
  5042. >Anon is happy to finally have the daughter he always wanted.
  5043. >Can he find a proper "mother" for his adopted daughter within a month?
  5044. >Keeping that in mind, Anon wakes up one day to the sound of his daughter screaming his name in a panicked voice
  5046. >"Anon! Dad! Wake up, dad!"
  5047. "Mff... Wha? What is it?"
  5048. >"Dad, it's horrible!"
  5049. "What is, Celestia's immigration policy? I know. She needs to listen to Luna and build a wal-"
  5050. >"No, dad! Read the first letter of every line in the last post and you will see!"
  5056. >ponies are little
  5057. >anon is frustrated because he is rarely able to properly look them in the face
  5058. >one day he decides to just pick them up like toddlers so he could actually talk to them at eye level
  5059. >mares are emaresculated
  5060. >some of them gain strange fetishes
  5062. >Celestia likes it so much that she literally pays Anon to hold her
  5063. >he's fucking set for life, and all he has to do is hold the little pretty pony princess 
  5064. >sure, it was a bit difficult holding what was basically a large dog for a few hours
  5065. >but with time and pain cam gainz 
  5066. >and a little bonus when Celestia realized she liked that, too
  5070. >Anon is going out with Trixie.
  5071. >An ACTUAL Trixie
  5072. >The sunhat tipping mares are triggered by this.
  5073. >They're about to experience another trigger like never before.
  5074. >Trixie knows Anon eats meat sometimes.
  5075. >She isn't bothered by it.
  5076. >She knew what she was getting into when she saw his somewhat sharp teeth.
  5077. >The whole "predator/prey" thing they do during their heavy petting sessions is pretty hot too.
  5078. >Actually, she's grown rather curious about Anon's meals he prepares for himself.
  5079. >One day, she actually asks him to try a bit.
  5080. >"It's not bad at all, this bacon stuff!"
  5081. >She eats more, but is cut off by Anon.
  5082. >"Wait, your body isn't used to this shit!"
  5083. >No kidding.
  5084. >Trxie spends the whole night on the toilet, her bowels in agony.
  5085. >But she's not one to give up.
  5086. >She wants to start incorporating meat slowly into her diet occasionally. 
  5087. >It would be nice to actually share meals with her man.
  5088. >Ponies in Ponyville don't know how to feel about this.
  5089. >"Fucking Trixie."
  5094. >anon teaches friendship from a human perspective.
  5095. >basically turns the classroom into /mlp/
  5096. >says they are disrespecting human culture when they try to stop him.
  5097. >changeling passes his class with flying colours
  5103. "What do you mean, she's 16?"
  5104. >Twilight gives you a strange look.
  5105. >"What do you mean, what do I mean she's 16?"
  5106. >She must have noticed your panicked look (and considering the bowel-voiding terror you're feeling right now, you'd HOPE she'd notice an expression that obvious) because Twilight moved in to pat your hand with a hoof.
  5107. >"You don't have anything to worry about, Anon. You won't get in trouble."
  5108. >Bullshit.
  5109. "How won't I get in trouble? I just stuck my ding-dong into a mare who is still in horse-high school!"
  5110. >You grab your head in horror.
  5111. "I've been DATING her for three months! How the hell did age never come up in casual conversation?! Do you have ANY idea how improbable that is?!"
  5112. >To your mounting frustration, Twilight just shrugged casually.
  5113. >"If anypony's getting in trouble, it's going to be her. Besides..."
  5114. >She shoots you a sly (and slightly jealous) look.
  5115. >"It's every filly's dream to catch the attention of an older stallion."
  5116. >You give Twilight the most deadpan look you can muster.
  5117. "Twilight, I'm 23."
  5118. >"Yeah, which is older than 16. If you had asked her what age she considered 'old' just a few years ago, she'd probably reply with a number around 30."
  5119. >She turns from you and looks back at her book.
  5120. >"So just relax, sweet cheeks. It's not like this is that big of a-"
  5121. "She invited me to meet her parents and I said 'yes'."
  5122. >Twilight says nothing.
  5123. >You say nothing.
  5124. >Twilight peeks over the top of her book, and the expression on her face is one you can't quite decipher.
  5125. >Stupid enormously-expressive pony faces that range from 'perfect clarity' to 'what fucking emotion are you trying to express'.
  5126. >"Well, Anon," she says at last, "You're about to make a certain 16-year-old's mother VERY proud"
  5132. >Be Big Mac.
  5133. >The one that nobody pays any mind to.
  5134. >That's mostly because you're a big guy.
  5135. >Applejack told you that you scare mares away.
  5136. >And you not talking much doesn't help much.
  5137. >Ponies look at you weird.
  5138. >Mares are really polite to you, but avoid eye contact when they talk to you.
  5139. >The only time you thought a mare liked you and she was drugged by your little sister.
  5140. >But you don't think too much about it.
  5141. >If you're going to be a bachelor, then so be it.
  5142. >At least you have the farm
  5147. I don't even know where to begin with the kinda shit they would come up with for herd shenanigans in rom coms and drama movies (and soap operas).
  5149. There'd be even more wish fulfillment than we have already in the thread, more twisted love dodecahedrons than you could count, and enough miscommunication and jumped conclusions to have freed discord from his stone prison ten times over in a single year if it was actually real.
  5151. >Rarity is utterly obsessed with at least one such popular show.
  5152. >Can barely contain herself when she gets the opportunity to work on the show, making costumes/dresses/clothes
  5159. Soarin, who has to work his way up the military into the Wonderbolts, while some braindead, fanfilly mare is admitted because she "has talent" and is a "national hero".
  5160. Initially, he's influenced by his colt "friends" that say she's only there because she's a mare, that her recruitment is evidence of injustice within the maretriarchy.
  5161. Blinded by jealousy, he saw the letter incident as an opportunity to get rid of her, but comes to recognize rainbow's dedication.
  5162. He later opens up to her a little, and tells her of his past as a recruit.
  5163. Thus a friendship blossoms.
  5164. ------------------------
  5170. A look at the life of a female guard that has to cover for an incompetent male guard, hired only because of Celestia's 'quotas'.
  5171. One day, they're tasked with investigating a domestic abuse case.
  5172. This allows the writer to detail how families work and answer questions like
  5173. "How do 'proper' herds work?"
  5174. "What do dysfunctional herds look like?"
  5175. For example:
  5176. >The guardsmare is sickened by what she uncovers, and the nightmares start coming back.
  5177. >They get worse every time.
  5178. >Turns out, the guardsmare comes from a dysfunctional herd.
  5179. >The stallion took favorites, and her mother destroyed her own life by turning to drink.
  5180. >Sometimes she would come home, and the guardsmare would say something wrong.
  5181. >Then she would be shouted at.
  5182. >Sometimes even-
  5183. >Powerful as Luna is, she isn't capable of guarding everyone at once.
  5184. >Sometimes even the Goddess of dreams arrives too late
  5189. >Anon is homeless.
  5190. >He was homeless before he came to Equestria.
  5191. >Not one of those scruffy, stinky bums
  5192. >He actually chose this lifestyle.
  5193. >He prefers to live frugally in a tent with a camp fire.
  5194. >The mares of Ponyville don't sit well with this.
  5195. >A male living near the edge of the woods by himself?
  5196. >What if something bad happens to him?
  5197. >There are a lot of sketchy mares out there, Anon could get molested- or worse: raped.
  5198. >Mares and stallions come every day to his camp site to convince him to move into a proper home.
  5199. >He has to stubbornly refuse them constantly.
  5200. >Trixie doesn't think it's too big an issue and comes to camp out with him sometimes.
  5201. >She won't admit she's partially looking out for him.
  5207. >"He walked into my office, looking like nothing but trouble."
  5208. >"Standing on two legs longer than I had ever seen, I had to admit: whatever trouble he brings might just be worth it."
  5209. >"It had been years since I had bothered with the fairer sex, ever since poor Caramel got involved with one of my cases."
  5210. >"I told him that detective work was a mare's game, but he was too damn stubborn and to do anything but spit fire and tail me like a bad smell."
  5211. >"That stallion didn't deserve what he got."
  5212. >"Maybe THIS one will have the sense to listen."
  5213. >"It's been slow lately, so I asked him who he was and what in Tartarus did he think he was doing in my office."
  5214. >"He told me his name was 'Anonymous', and that a friend of his had gone missing; nothing out of the ordinary there, but my bank account was nearly in the red and the suits at my bank are starting to send threatening letters, so I took the job."
  5215. >"Like most of the 'llions I deal with, this one insisted on following me to try and help, and I learned long ago you can't talk sense into a colt; no matter what you say, it's like talking to an emotional and particularly fickle brick wall."
  5216. >"As long as he stays out of my way, this lil' darlin' can do whatever his little heart desires."
  5217. >"It's going to be a long night."
  5224. >"Hello, I'm going door-to-door to sell-"
  5225. >>"Go away!"
  5226. >"Woah! Okay, jeez, I'm just trying to sell strawberries!"
  5227. >>"We don't want any of your strawberries! Buck off before I MAKE you buck off!"
  5228. >The front door slams and Rainbow Dash trots back into the room, ears flopping against her skull and looking annoyed.
  5229. >She speeds up a little bit as she spots you and curls up in your lap as soon as she's able.
  5230. >Without thinking about it, you start giving her ear-scratches with your uninjured arm.
  5231. >>"Don't worry about her, Anon," she purrs happily, "I chased her off. You're safe now."
  5232. >You fucking love these ponies
  5238. >Sirens decide to settle down now that they’re not immortal anymore.
  5239. >Make gay displays to attract males.
  5240. >They’re surprised, but not complaining when Anon wants to stay around after knocking them up.
  5241. >Male sirens would be considered total sluts by pony standards, simply impregnating whatever willing females are nearby and rarely bothering to raise the resulting offspring.
  5242. >As a result most sirens are raised in family units consisting of their mother and two or more ‘aunts’.
  5243. >A siren male who sticks around is considered a great boon because that means next mating season the females don’t have to start the process of attracting a new male all over again with more lesbian displays
  5249. >High School is one of the most dangerous times for a male
  5250. >Girls are beginning to experience their hormones to their fullest
  5251. >Unlike their Equestrian counterparts, these girls feel a low level arousal nearly year around
  5252. >This, coupled with their natural aggressiveness, makes for a very dangerous combination 
  5253. >Despite teaching staff's best efforts, it is best not to walk the halls alone for men
  5254. >Though they're usually bigger than their female counterparts, the girls rarely "hunt" alone
  5255. >Most roam in packs of 3 to 20, trying to find someone to exhaust themselves with
  5256. >A guy might fight a female off, only to realize that he had been lured into a trap
  5257. >Such things are rarely caught by teaching staff
  5258. >Even if they are, there's a good chance that the teachers--many of which are just as lonely as the high school girls-- might lose themselves to their baser instincts
  5259. >When a group of girls has "claimed" a male, they will fight fiercely against other groups to keep him
  5260. >Some particularly large and prosperous groups can claim two or three guys
  5267. >Anon lives in Ponyville.
  5268. >One day, his friend Roseluck takes him to meet Zecora, the zebra that makes Rose's favorite perfume.
  5269. >Zecora is quite taken with Anon and asks him bluntly for a date.
  5270. >Anon forgets he's not on /pol/ and says he will "never date a nigger"
  5271. >Oh shit.
  5272. >Zecora is confused.
  5273. >"This is not a familiar word, I admit. 'Nigger', would you explain this a bit?"
  5274. >Anon fumbles around for a bit and tells her it's just a term humans use for zebras on earth.
  5275. >Zecora is fond of the sound of this new term.
  5276. >When she goes back to her homeland, she happily uses it in conversation, explaining what it means to every zebra she talks to.
  5277. >It catches on.
  5278. >All of the zebras now call each other nigger.
  5279. >Roseluck can't figure out why Anon laughs every time he sees a zebra now.
  5280. >"I don't get what's so funny, Anon."
  5281. "The cycle is complete!"
  5287. >Celestia weighs a solid pony-ton
  5288. >hasn't been held since she was a filly
  5289. >at one point she just accepted that, if there was any holding left in her life, she'd be the one doing it, as befits a marely mare
  5290. >completely freezes up when Anon picks her up like its nothing
  5291. >even if it wasn't RGRE, she still wouldn't have a fucking clue what to do
  5292. >sunbutt suffers an integer overflow error when he starts tossing her up and catching her
  5293. >rolls back to zero and just starts giggling like a foal
  5294. >bystanders are simply struck stupid by the sheer oddity of what they're seeing
  5295. >but not even the most jaded of them can deny that Celestia's laugh has never sounded quite so free and joyful before
  5299. >mare breaks her leg and predictably starts panicking
  5300. >horsepital staff have trouble keeping her in her room because she tries to escape every other hour
  5301. >anon hears his friend is freaking out and goes to see wtf is going on
  5302. >Nurses explain to him whats going on
  5303. >he decides to stay in with his friend until she heals
  5304. >good thing these ponies are so smale he can just hold on to her and just cradle here until she snaps out of her hysteria
  5305. >eventually he becomes a special physical therapist to calm down ponies with the 'broken leg madness'
  5307. >Anon calms mare down
  5308. >mare is still afraid, but its a conscious fear unlike the instinctive, inescapable Fear
  5309. >horsepital staff amazed
  5310. >they think that somehow that Anon's overwhelmingly fatherly presence beat the Fear back
  5311. >seen as the psycho-medical discovery of the century
  5312. >gets offered the position of nurse-cuddle-monkey on the spot
  5313. >meanwhile other hospitals across the nation experiment with hiring minotaurs and the rare packless diamond dog and training them to follow Anon's example
  5314. >some even try to "automate" it by making special giant plushies, treated with all manner of spells and scents
  5320. The problem with low gravity, even assuming other problems like the atmosphere were taken care of, is that those heavyworlder muscles (and not just the LIFTAN ones) are gonna atrophy into the local norm before long
  5321. So, you end up going the Goku/Rock Lee method by wearing really, really heavy weights under your clothing. Woe unto the dumbass villain who tries to steal you away
  5322. >Anon dresses just like Piccolo
  5323. >hfw the bandits attack and he gets to throw his clothes at them.
  5324. >tfw they think it's a striptease
  5330. >Giant Anon in Tinyquestria
  5331. >Anon makes a business carrying around ponies
  5332. >Charges more for longer distances
  5333. >Like a taxi, only cuddlier and Anon isn't a spic
  5334. >Goes so far as to get a tiny magical communications device that ponies can contact him with
  5335. >"Oh, shoot, I'm too drunk to fly home. Better see if Anon isn't busy."
  5336. >The Princesses in particular are delighted at the novelty of being picked up and carried around
  5337. >Becomes the Ponyville school house's unofficial school bus, carrying all the foals to school in various pockets
  5343. >domestic abuse in RGRE isn’t just a simple flip of what it’s like on Earth
  5344. >because ponies are typically polygamous instead of monogamous, domestic abuse is often cut off before it can really get going
  5345. >if one mare in the herd starts abusing one of the herd’s kids or the stallion, she usually gets kicked out by the other mares.
  5346. >that’s why monogamous couples are often thought of as abusive
  5347. >in a herd, if one mare tries to abuse the stallion there are usually two or more other mares there to throw her out on her butt.
  5348. >but in monogamous couples there’s no such defense.
  5349. >the stallion and foals are at the mercy of an abusive mare.
  5350. >this isn’t an issue for couples like the Cakes or Applejack’s parents, because there is another adult mare in the home (Pinkie Pie and Granny Smith), even if she’s not a part of the herd, capable of intervening in such a scenario.
  5351. >so when Anon gets married to a supposedly reformed Chrysalis and expresses no interest in adding more mares, both his male and female friends alike are concerned
  5354. >They immediately assume the worst, and their belief that monogamous relationships are inherently toxic biases all their observations of Anon and Chrysalis
  5355. >"That poor colt probably doesn't even realize he's being abused."
  5356. >They start seeing sinister implications that simply aren't there in every-day actions and events
  5357. >Playful slap to the shoulder; it's Chrysalis reminding Anon that she could hit him a lot harder
  5358. >Possessive behaviour around other mares; it's Chrysalis making sure Anon knows he "belongs" to her and her alone
  5359. >Anon doing an errand for Chrysalis; it's Chrysalis working the poor colt to the bone while she lazes around the house
  5360. >Anon and Chrysalis are oblivious to this all
  5361. >Pic related; it's what Anon and Chrysalis are doing while Twilight shares her worries with her friends
  5368. >You are Anon and for reasons beyond you, you had found yourself in equestria not but a few months ago.
  5369. >For the most part it was great though it did not come without consequences.
  5370. >Equestria's gravity is, according to your rather crude "testing" ie: throwing heavy shit much farther than you use to be able to, about a fifth of Earth's.
  5371. >The good news is that the lesser weight of everything plus the fact that pony creations are meant for creatures half you size means that you lift a less handsome Hercules and jump like the Hulk.
  5372. >The bad news is that you are constantly toting lead weights all over your body to counteract the musculature atrophy and if not for Nurse Tough Hide's pills your bones and heart would have degenerated long ago.
  5373. >Your not sure what the hell those pills are made of but last time you ran out you could feel your heart slowing and your bones weaking after only a day.
  5374. >It still feels like the pros outway the cons in that regard.
  5375. >You can still take off the weights periodically but it's best not to do so for long.
  5376. >It didn't take long for you to understand that this strength and speed could be put to good use in the guard.
  5377. >You had expected the rigerous training and should have expected the odd boring posting.
  5378. >What you didn't realize was that male guards are basically eye candy for nobles and are largely not expected to be an effective fighting force, or even peacekeeping force.
  5379. >So now you are Anon, scantily clad Paul Blart mall cop.
  5385. >Eldritch abomination pone waifu
  5386. >Foreign to Equestria, possibly even to this universe, but still manages to come off as sexist
  5388. >"I see the great unknowable dark and all the secrets it holds, Anon."
  5389. "That's... great, Ellie."
  5390. >The small mare hoists her bum up into the air and wriggles it (for speed), and then jumps up onto your lap.
  5391. >You don't don't feel her weight in your lap so much as you feel her presence bearing down on your soul.
  5392. >She smiles at you, and your arms jitter slightly as the edges of your sanity try to dance away from you.
  5393. >After a moment, Ellie's form seems to solidify, and yet she didn't even appear comparatively non-corporeal i the past until just now.
  5394. >Come to think of it, you don't even notice a physical difference, but your arms have stopped shaking and your mind is clearing.
  5395. >Did she change something, or did she just alter the way you perceive her to keep you sane?
  5396. >Your marefriend is so sweet.
  5397. >"I know your gender is not very robust, my treasure," she purrs, staring at you with her bright red eyes, "You lack the qualities that would equate you to me. So fragile; my presence alone could shatter you. As my duty to protect my mate, I have solidified this presence in my world."
  5398. >HER world?
  5399. >From what you understand, she came from a whole other dimension.
  5400. >Surely you misinterpreted the madness-speech she so helpfully made you fluent in when she first gazed into your eyes.
  5401. "Don't you mean, MY world?"
  5402. >She laughs, and you can just barely hear distant screaming on the wind.
  5403. >" 'Your world'," she giggles, covering her mouth with one of her uncountable (and yet, somehow only four) hooves, "What a novel concept, Anon. That would imply that I have not always been here."
  5404. >She leans in close; The edges of your vision begin to darken, and hints of Ellie's true form (or as true as you can perceive it) phase in and out of the shadows.
  5405. >"Always."
  5412. >"Anon!"
  5413. >"Anon, where are you?!"
  5414. >"Anon, you said you were only going to the market for cookies!"
  5415. >"That was 20 minutes ago, Anon!"
  5416. >"Are you okay?!"
  5417. >"DO YOU NEED HELP!?"
  5420. >"ANOOOOOHHN!"
  5423. >Ponies and just about every thing on Equus rely on magic to tell were eachother are.
  5424. >Anon having no magic makes it hard to tell were he is unless they hear or see him.
  5425. >It only makes it worse that he's a stallion.
  5426. >If he were coltnapped they'd never find him!
  5427. >Or Celestia knows a mare could forcefully hold his hand.
  5433. >Go to RGREquestria
  5434. >Find ponies who care about your well-being on principal
  5435. >Make friends who become concerned about you if you start acting distant
  5436. >Realize that each and every hug you get from them is meaningful
  5437. >Feel oddly touched when Applejack doesn't want you to work on her farm; not because she thinks you're incapable, but because she can't stand the idea of seeing you injured because you tried to help her
  5438. >"Ah just can't stand the sight of an injured stallion, 'Non. Maybe you can help Mac out with his numbers?"
  5446. >Anon arrives in RGREquestria and is quickly disgusted in the state of its stallions.
  5447. >Picky, prudish, and entitled.
  5448. >Just like human women.
  5449. >They only sleep with the most beautiful, fit, and successful mares, leaving the less-than-perfect ones to live life as sexless virgins.
  5450. >He will not let this stand!
  5451. >All horse pussy should be worshiped!
  5452. >Anon sets out to take the virginity of every poor mare who stallions ignore.
  5453. >Mares like Moondancer finally punch their v-cards, and in so doing gain +3 confidence and self worth.
  5454. >Anon also befriends and helps these mares better themselves.
  5455. >Some, like Princess Twilight (who had everything going for her once she finally stopped sperging out and could talk to stallions properly thanks to Anon) move on to find other stallions.
  5456. >Other's are contend to spend the occasional night with Anon in a psuedo herd.
  5457. >All of them, however, are much happier.
  5458. >Anon has done his job.
  5464. >you are in canterlot
  5465. >You walk down the street
  5466. >Suddenly your attention is pulled to a mare
  5467. >You don't know why
  5468. >you don't know how
  5469. >But you know
  5470. >You know this mare is your counterpart
  5471. >You ask around
  5472. >Her name is floorboard
  5473. >God the universe is weird
  5475. >Oh god, dont look
  5476. >Dont look
  5477. >Its huge
  5478. >Its weird
  5479. >Its turning you on
  5480. >Its looking at you
  5481. >Buck dont let it know you looked at it
  5482. >Why is this thing attracting all your atention
  5483. >Why celestia
  5484. >Why
  5485. >He is talking to other mares
  5486. >Buck they look at you
  5488. >"Hello, so you are floorboard?"
  5490. >You just look up at him
  5492. >He laughs
  5493. >"Yea, I assume I would be acting the same way in your position, Mind if I have a seat?"
  5494. [fainting horse noises]
  5500. >Anon and Rainbow are best friends
  5501. >Both of them suspect that the other is gay; Rainbow doesn't think that Anon doesn't act like a stallion, and Anon thinks Rainbow is a butch lesbian
  5502. >Both of them are incredibly surprised when, after a night of heavy drinking, they wake up in bed together
  5503. or
  5504. >Rainbow has the perfect plan to get close to Anon
  5505. >Just pretend to be gay
  5506. >"No, you don't you gals get it? It wouldn't be weird for Anon to get naked and change in front of me if he thinks I don't like stallions! I might even be able to convince him that he should practice kissing with me 'cuz I "don't" like stallions that way!"
  5507. >tl;dr: they fuck
  5514. >male swimsuits in RGREqG are designed to show off a man’s package without giving away too much
  5515. >even the most modest male swimsuits tend to be tight around the crotch area
  5516. >Anon’s female friends all expect to see something hot when they go to the beach.
  5517. >unluckily for them, Anon managed to hold onto his swimming trunks from home.
  5518. >they don’t even get to see the outline of his junk through them.
  5519. >meanwhile Anon is wondering why his friends suddenly looked so disappointed when he showed up for their day in the sun.
  5525. >ponies knew that Anon's alien nature affected magic
  5526. >telekinesis gets wobbly
  5527. >spells sputter out or overcharge
  5528. >even some the particularly sensitive among them reported both headaches and a curious numbness around him
  5529. >they knew this
  5530. >on an academic level, at least
  5531. >but it didn't quite prepare them, or Anon himself, for the day that his place in a song that the schoolfoals were singing suddenly mutated into scooping Cheerilee up into his arms and singing about how he just knew that she'd be the perfect teacher for their foals one day
  5532. >tests were run, and it was discovered that the event was once again an example of how magic just seemed to "change" around him
  5533. >the knowledge that it was somehow NORMAL didn't do much to dissipate the tense, embarrassed air around the two of them in the following days
  5534. >however, embarrassment turned to a confused jealousy when, just next week, it happened again the following week to ANOTHER MARE
  5535. >apologies were made and tests were run, and it just seemed like this was going to be another part of Anon's life and Ponyville's... unique atmosphere
  5536. >and just what is Anon to do when, one day, a mare starts to sing back?
  5543. >Ponies see Anon's confusion and inability to effectively communicate as endearing, especially when he resorts to pantomiming in order to get his point across
  5544. >They're generally happy to help him in day-to-day life while he struggles to learn their horse-words
  5545. >A couple of ponies have noticed the difference in his behaviour (which is a difficult thing to notice, considering that they only have actions to look upon and not words), but the lack of communication means they just write it off as coltish whimsy
  5546. >One or two mares realize that since Anon can't speak their language, he can't say "no" or go to the ponice if they snuggle him without his consent
  5549. >"But Twilight!"
  5550. >Twilight folds her forelegs and glares at Pinkie Pie.
  5551. >>"Pinkie Pie, absolutely not. You can't just take advantage of the poor lost colt like that. For Celestia's sake, he doesn't even speak Equish."
  5552. >Pinkie shakes her head fervently.
  5553. >"Yeah, he does!"
  5554. >She turns to you; you, who have remained largely ignorant of what these two horses have been saying.
  5555. >"Say it, Nonny!"
  5556. >She nods encouragingly, which is a signal you recognize when she wants you to say the words she taught you.
  5557. "I waahhnt... P-P-Pinkie cudd-els...?"
  5558. >The pink horse grins widely and turns to the purple one, who doesn't look impressed.
  5559. >...or maybe she does.
  5560. >You have no idea what their expressions mean.
  5561. >>"Pinkie..."
  5562. >What did you even say just now?
  5563. >Did you just consent to fucking one of these horses?
  5564. >They're clearly intelligent, so maybe it's not illegal this time, and you won't get in trouble with the law for fucking a horse.
  5565. >...again
  5571. >Celestia makes monthly trips to Canterlot's stallion prison to "check up" on the bad colts.
  5572. >Instead of shankings they have surprise pillow fights.
  5573. >They are sexually harassed by the guard mares.
  5574. >Bootleg toilet "Rut On The Beach" is a delicacy here.
  5575. >Celestia makes the guard mares lead her for tours.
  5576. >She sees two stallions laying around in their cell.
  5577. >One is braiding his mane.
  5578. "Those two, make them kiss."
  5579. >"Princess... We can't-"
  5580. "Make them kiss."
  5581. >The nervous guard mare goes and slides her rubber veiny "baton" across the bars.
  5582. >"Hey, you two! S-Start kissing!"
  5583. >The two stallions look at Celestia's primal grin.
  5584. >They look at each other, shrug, then start kissing.
  5585. "Nice..."
  5586. >Celestia and the guard mare watch without blinking.
  5587. "It's good to be queen."
  5588. >"Princess?"
  5589. "Ahem... So, where is the warden?"
  5590. >"Anonymous is in cell block D, reading the well behaved stallions a bedtime story."
  5591. "Good. Let's go there next."
  5592. >The guard mare slaps the bars again.
  5593. >"Alright, you boys can stop that!"
  5594. >They don't.
  5601. >Applejack has been holding back her lust for Anon ever since he started working on her farm
  5602. >"Think 'bout what Ma and Pa would say if you forced yourself on an unsuspecting colt, Applejack."
  5603. >This lasts for maybe a few months as spring turns to summer and Anon's clothing starts to change into something tighter
  5604. >It's not infrequent for Applejack to catch Anon taking a quick trip to the outdoor waterpump thing so that he can soak himself in cool water before going back to work
  5605. >"Walkin' around my farm, wearin' those clothes of his... glistenin' with sweat an' water at the end of the day... teasin' me with his muscles and his beautiful laugh! He... he's askin' for it.... he knows what he's doin'!"
  5606. >Applejack pulls Anon behind the barn after work one day and starts yanking the clothes off of him, ranting about how she's about to give him what he wants
  5607. >To AJ's surprise, Anon starts to reciprocate
  5608. >Applejack learned that you can't rape the willing
  5615. >Anon is a heterosexual male, who enjoys the company of feminine females.
  5616. >So when he meets Rartiy, and she doesn't belch or scratch her crotch like most of his friends he finds himself quickly attracted to the unicorn.
  5617. >Rarity shocked to have male attention from anyone that isn't underaged or bucktoothed and hideous quickly tries to lend a hoof to her friends who've also had no luck wooing stallions.
  5618. >Rather than being grossed out or turned off by Fluttershy being a huge neet, he finds it adorable.
  5619. >He even reads some of her Neighponese manga with her
  5620. >Rarity quickly puts out the word to her friends.
  5621. >Most don't believe her citing that it is too good to be true, but Coco is desperately lonely enough to try.
  5622. >Queue long trip to Ponyville, to find that Anonymous can't get enough of her.
  5623. >Coco who has never even been touched by a stallion besides her father finds herself subjected to headpats, ear scrichies, and hoof holding far beyond her imagining.
  5624. >After a while the rest of the elements notice that Anon is spending a great deal at Rarity's and Fluttershy's.
  5625. >Believing that Anon must be hilariously easy to fall for the least feminine mares in all of Equestria they try one by one to seduce him so he'll let them in the herd.
  5626. >Shenanigans, plot, green
  5634. >Anon gets teleported to Rgre Eqg
  5635. >Has to go to high school because he gets put back in his teenage body
  5636. >Little did anon know there were similarities between this world and his old world.
  5637. Highschool soundcloud rappers
  5638. >Dozens of them
  5639. >All girls mumbling about getting dick and money, and popping Xans over a distorted beat. 
  5640. Enter Lil Da$h
  5641. >Rainbow trying to be on top of the cool ladder decides to buy into the soundcloud rap game. And surprisingly she becomes pretty well known. 
  5642. >She can have any guy she wants and knows it
  5643. Enters Anon
  5644. >Doesn't like the lol pop pills culture and tells Da$h to go overdose. 
  5645. (Enter rgre dash pining after Anon here).
  5647. >Wigger Dash trying and failing to be taken seriously. She tries to show Anon her totally-not-fake gold chain and get him to listen to her mixtape.
  5648. >”It’s fire! Come on, you’ll love it!”
  5649. >She tries to drag the rest of her friends into her rapping shenanigans.
  5650. >The boys and nufemales REEEEEing about ‘cultural appropriation’.
  5651. >The inevitable rap battles.
  5652. >The only actual ethnic minority in Canterlot High, Zecora the chemistry teacher, just shaking her head at all this ridiculousness
  5659. >>even the douchiest frat-mare (sorori-mare?) will never want to hear another cunt joke in her life after a few days around Rainbow Dash
  5661. >There is one gigantic exception.
  5662. >The Military
  5663. >Shining Armor, like every Guard, sees cunts (and dicks) in everything.
  5664. >So does Spitifre, and all the Wonderbolts.
  5665. >And when they get bored, they draw them on things.
  5666. >Spitfire is mildly surprised if a day goes by where she doesn't see recruits making dick clouds, cunt clouds, and sometimes even making clouds fuck.
  5668. >Rainbow dash was somewhat normal, until she joined the Wonderbolts, whereupon she got much much worse
  5672. >Gloriosa Daisy is secretly the worst kind of Trixie
  5673. >She makes a game out of seeing how many boys she seduce when high school students come to the camp. Once she sleeps with a guy, she tosses him aside and moves onto the next target.
  5674. >Because of this Camp Everfree has something of a negative reputation, so it’s no surprise when people stop coming and it’s on the verge of bankruptcy 
  5675. >Filthy Rich only wants to buy the camp so he can kick her out and replace her with someone who won’t molest teenage boys. He went to the camp as a young man himself before Gloriosa was in charge, and wants it to be a place of fun for future generations like it was for him
  5679. >while appul grew up being told that a colt is the one who cooks for his herd, and she has some long-treasured memories of her dad's cooking, she hasn't really experienced a colt's home cooking in a long while
  5680. >Mac can't cook for shit, and while Granny's wonderful in the kitchen in the way only age can make someone, she just doesn't do it much anymore
  5681. >thus it fell to her, more often than not
  5682. >so, when she invited that cute little thang Anonymous over for a dinner and maybe even share a few ciders with him, she was fully prepared to whip up something better than usual for the occasion
  5683. >she didn't expect him to turn up with his OWN apple pie as a gift
  5684. >as she certainly didn't expect it to smell so damn good, either
  5685. >as the night progresses, she finds her manners and civility as a mare tested more and more by the sweet, appel-y siren-song of the pie
  5686. >she needs it
  5687. >she WANTS IT
  5692. >You are Anon, and you just accidentally bumped into someone's shoulder.
  5693. >You turn to do that traditional, use-your-opposite-arm-to-wave-over-your-shoulder-at-the-person-you-bumped-and-make-a-muttered-noise-with-your-mouth-that-doesn't-have-to-be-a-word-but-will-still-fulfill-the-role-of-an-apology social expectation.
  5694. >You even go the extra mile and actually use your words to apologize.
  5695. >With the social grace you have, you're just swimming in pussokay you can't even think that in your head with a straight face.
  5696. "Hey, sorry 'bout tha-"
  5697. >The girl whose shoulder you bumped is now standing there, shirt in tatters and strips of cloth still clenched in her hands, as she aggressively flashes you.
  5698. >"Sorry for bumping into you. Are you alright?"
  5699. "...huh."
  5700. >So, is this how girls apologize in this world?
  5701. >Brazen nudity?
  5702. >Because if so, the next time you see horse-Twilight, you're going to give her virgin ass the biggest and sloppiest kiss as thanks for sending you here after your brief stint in Equestria.
  5703. >You later learned that only sirens are this quick to initiate lewdness
  5704. >Considering you were in an unfamiliar bed with a naked body draped over yours, you aren't all that disappointed that the world did not conform to a fantasy that you would have expected to have come from your 14-year-old self.
  5705. >The next morning, you bump into another girl; one of the roommates that lives with the girl you slept with.
  5706. >You try and suppress a grin when you hear fabric tearing.
  5707. >"Whoops, sorry about that."
  5713. >Anon has to deal with 'taurs claiming that their milking equipment is broken and asking if he's willing to step in and use his lips as a temporary replacement
  5714. >Co-workers taking advantage of Anon's status of maid/cook by just dumping their garbage on the ground and leaving piles of laundry for him without a word
  5715. >Anon being given a nice bottle of surprisingly delicious milk a week by a grateful 'taur who used the "my pump is broken" excuse and was actually telling the truth, and Anon discretely stepped in to help out
  5716. >Something to do with being teased because he's lacking a nose-ring like cows have
  5717. >At least one drunk 'taur giving Anon a big hug (and trapping his face in tit-prison) waxing sadly about how cruel it was that "a bull" like Anon very allegedly had his horns damaged to the point where they had to be removed
  5718. >Casual toplessness because minotaurs like to show off how capable they are at producing milk
  5719. >Lots of questions about how minotaurs can balance on their hind legs despite having hooves instead of feet (with toes that can be used to push against the ground and adjust one's center of gravity)
  5720. >Anon getting drunk on a day off and waking up in an unfamiliar bed, and his bedmate(s) uncharacteristically freaking out because they think they took advantage of him while he was drunk (albeit WAY less drunk than they were)
  5721. >Anon finally getting good at cooking because he cooks breakfast whenever a minotaur stays in his quarters overnight and he uses it as an opportunity to experiment with recipes on a small scale (without having to worry that he's about to ruin 8 dozen eggs by adding a few spices)
  5722. >Cow puns
  5723. >Inevitable confrontation with ponies (Mister Cake, Applejack, or other) where Anon either shrugs off the foal-eating rumours, or gets into some kind of scuffle (one he does not initiate) and his 'taurs come in to protect him
  5724. >At least one minotaur with a really nice ass
  5730. >Anime is for real in Equestria
  5731. >Ponies constantly expect Anon to act like a variety of character archetypes from my ching-chong mangos
  5732. >For example, Anon is in a hot tub at some point and a mare accidentally trips and stumbles into it.
  5733. >Instead of covering his crotch, blushing, and yelling at her to get out (while calling her "b-baka"), Anon briefly panics as he tries to fish her out of the water and make sure she doesn't drown
  5734. >Other times, they expect him to blush and hand one of them a note asking if they want to go out some time/study together/try to become the president(s) of the student council, but instead he just talks about whatever's on his mind at the time and then eventually leaves
  5735. >Twilight in particular is confused and wonders why Anon isn't calling her "sempai" or some other honorific title; to say nothing of the time there was a pregnancy scare and Twilight expected him to declare that she has to "take responsibility" and take care of him and the foal
  5736. >Anon just wonders what he did in life to deserve a hell full entirely of weebs
  5743. >Fluttershy is a beautiful mare.
  5744. >Every pony, stallion and mare alike, knows this.
  5745. >But there's a reason that she's never gotten anywhere with stallions.
  5747. >She's a tiny bit crazy.
  5748. >She's barely managed to get a few first dates, but she's never gotten a second.
  5749. >The primary problem is that she is deeply insecure.
  5750. >Most mares have feelings of insecurity, but poor Fluttershy has it worse than most.
  5751. >Anon might even describe her as having some mild yandere tendencies.
  5753. >And lately, she's set her sights on Anon
  5755. >Fluttershy gets jealous
  5756. >Mostly because if 'her' stallion shows any affection to another mare, it makes her afraid that he doesn't actually love her
  5757. >That he doesn't need her
  5759. >This is a significant problem in a world where herds are the norm
  5760. >Especially when she doesn't consider herself a mono, and would like to be in a happy little herd
  5766. > Anon and his twin show up in Equestria
  5767. >Chrysalis thinks they were part of a hive of humans and feels bad for them as they were ripped away from what could only be described as a close family.
  5768. >Even if some would rather look like a pack of dykes.
  5769. >Celestia and Luna make a claim between each other which one they want.
  5770. >Twilight wants to research them but thoughts of her neighponies mangas keep popping into her head.
  5771. >The spa twins are planning a way to hire them so they can get more mares to come in.
  5772. >Fluttershy thinks humans are born in litters like puppies or something
  5778. >You are Fluttershy, and you are trying to teach your newest, tallest friend how to pronounce your name
  5779. >You are helping the newest addition to Ponyville acclimatize to his new surroundings, and step one is teaching the poor dear how to speak Equish.
  5780. >You are currently sitting in your living room, which (for once) is bare of any of your animal friends; you politely asked them to vacate the room for a few hours after you saw how badly Mister Bear had frightened your bipedal guest.
  5781. "Fluttershy."
  5782. >The creature in front of you stares at you blankly with his adorable tiny, foal-life eyes.
  5783. "Flut-ter-shy," you repeat, slowing your words and making sure to enunciate them properly.
  5784. >The only response from him is when he tilts his head in confusion, which nearly prompts you to make some VERY unmarely noises of glee
  5785. >"Schlim frot?" he returns in his deep, smooth voice
  5786. >He plays with the hem of his torso-cloth, which you find endearing
  5787. "Flut."
  5788. >"F-Floot."
  5789. "Ter."
  5790. >He bites his lip in concentration.
  5791. >"Teyer."
  5792. "Shy."
  5793. >"Pshie?"
  5794. >You nod encouragingly; it's important to reward him for trying.
  5795. "Fluttershy."
  5796. >He furrows his brow in concentration and silently moves his lips in the same pattern over and over.
  5797. >"Flooteyerpshie... Floot-er-shee... Floot-eyer-shy..."
  5798. >He babbles for a few moments longer, staring over your shoulder, seemingly struggling to grasp the pronunciation of your name.
  5799. >And then, he stares you in the eye.
  5800. >"Flut-tehr-shy?"
  5801. >He did it!
  5802. >Well, almost, but that's the best so far and it's recognizable as your name!
  5803. >You clop your hooves together and nod your head, smiling happily.
  5804. >"Very good!"
  5805. >Your new friend looks pleased with himself, evidently recognizing a "you did a thing" reaction when he sees one
  5806. >Now, how can you reward him for this?
  5807. >It must be terrifying for the poor colt to be lost and far away from home.
  5808. >Twilight said she caught him trying to pet a group of ponies when she found him in town, so maybe crawling into his lap wouldn't be out of the question.
  5809. >The next few seconds are a blur.
  5810. >Before you know it, you're on your back and his hoof-spiders are gliding up and down your belly.
  5811. >Your wings twitch and you cross your hind legs when he buries those wriggling things into your above-average chest-tuft and scritches at your chest.
  5812. >Who knew males of... whatever species he is could be so l-lewd?
  5813. >You hope nopony finds out about this
  5819. >some mares try to force their way into herds with all the subtly of a wrecking ball when drunk
  5820. >its seen as rude and embarrassing as all hell for the drunk mare, but slightly more acceptable than trying to drunkenly seduce a stallion for a night, since its also seen as indicative of some kind of caring for the herd in question
  5821. >pinka ponk is a particularly bad case of this since she's friends with everyone
  5822. >ponies start to think there might be a pattern after the fourth consecutive time she's been found drunkenly hanging off Anon and [insert pone here]'s shoulders, crowing about how their herd's wedding party will be absolute LEGEND
  5823. >especially since no else seems to be "targeted" anymore
  5829. >stallions the world over descend into a minor panic when Luna's return is announced
  5830. >terrified speculation abounds as to just what a thousand-year out of date princess would do
  5831. >it all comes to a head when Luna explains that, while she does keep the Old Ways near and dear to her heart, it was always to protect the stallions of Equestria
  5832. >said stallions aren't quite sure how to react to having a true, if uncompromising, gentlemare at the helm
  5833. >nor are they sure how to react that, compared to Luna's conservativeness, Celestia's actually a bit of a trixie
  5839. >Twilight Sparkle attempts a spell that would allow her to peer into another world.
  5840. >In another world, Dusk Shine does the exact same thing.
  5841. >When the smoke finally clears from the pair of resulting explosions, the two nerdy ponies find themselves in each others worlds.
  5842. >Discovering that genders are apparently switched is quite the shock.
  5843. >Finding out gender roles are switched is an even bigger shock.
  5844. >Now virgin Twilight Sparkle is stuck in a world full of horny stallions while virgin Dusk Shine suffers the same fate with a world horny mares.
  5845. >Suddenly finding themselves desirable to the opposite sex in ways they've only fantasized, can the pair of magic prodigies switch back places while slipping on their own spaghetti?
  5846. >Who knows, but one thing is for sure; if they do manage it, it probably won't be with their v-cards intact.
  5847. >After all, the Elements of both worlds find the idea of a gender swapped version of their good friend and psuedo leader strangely sexy
  5853. >Aria will never try to be confident and forward, because that's what she heard guys like
  5854. >She will also never enter your apartment and refuse to leave, mixing up confidence with stubbornness
  5856. >"This is the blowjob couch, Anon. It's where you're going to fill my mouth with your delicious cum."
  5857. "It looks just like my regular couch."
  5858. >"And therein lies the genius. You could be sitting on the blowjob couch and I'll pounce on you, unsuspecting. And do you know what will happen next?"
  5859. "Vaginal sex?"
  5860. >"...C'mon, Anonymous; clue's in the name."
  5861. "...so are you gonna-?"
  5862. >"Gimme a sec, Anon, I only just now realized that you own one of those black, leather PORNO couches. Sit right in the middle while I take a picture, alright? I'm going to frame it and then mount it in the bedroom."
  5863. "I can mount YOU in the bedroom."
  5864. >"Later. Now drop the pants and prepare to get sucked."
  5868. >Anon has to deal with Celetsia's eterna-teenage angst
  5869. >constantly tempered by her own almost-but-never-will-be maturity
  5870. >she always reigns it in, apologizes, and feels embarrassed about it in the end, but its still there
  5871. >Anon sticks with her not only because of how much he loves her and she him, but also the knowledge in the back of his head that a good number of "mares" out there would be perfectly happy to spend an afternoon sucking on their hoof in the corner
  5872. >the "smart" ones would only occasionally wish that they had something more dick-like to suck on instead
  5873. >he'd seen that exact scenario play out to the clever (or so he thought) unicorn that had pointed the way up to Canterlot for him
  5874. >it still haunts his dreams
  5880. >Desperately lonely Limestone growing up on an isolated farm becomes fixated on Anon
  5881. >"Look at the way he lifts that bag of flour. He's totally shoving his flanks into my face on purpose!"
  5882. >"Pinkie Pie! Pinkie, did you see the way Anonymous touched my hoof just a minute ago? That means he wants me to t-touch his penis, right?"
  5884. >She mellows out after she and Anon actually fuck; Anon thought it was a one-time thing, but living on that old-fashioned farm taught Limestone a few things on how you're supposed to treat a stallion.
  5885. >"What? No, I'm not leaving; I live here now, Anonymous. I took your virginity-"
  5886. "Not actually a virgin."
  5887. >"...so I took your virginity, and now as a mare I have to take responsibility. It is my duty to get a job in town and take care of you."
  5888. >Old-fashioned sexist shenanigans ensue
  5893. >Eris and Anon finally decide to have a kid
  5894. >After a mighty struggle with her eldritch uterus his sperm finally gets her pregnant
  5895. >She gets bored of the extra weight quickly and tries snapping her claws to age up the kid to be healthy and get it out
  5896. >But it doesn't work
  5897. >The baby inherits her chaos magic so she can't use her get out everything free card on it
  5898. >Panicking ensues
  5899. "Eris just calm down, it'll be fine"
  5900. >"FINE!? Are you seriously that dumb? I grew up on my magic"
  5901. "Well it can't be that bad, you should be able to adapt pretty quickly without it"
  5902. >"Anon, honey, babe, you're being stupid again, and not in the cute way that made me fall for you."
  5903. "But-"
  5904. >"The most exercise I've gotten in my entire life is when I had to walk through Chrysalis's hive"
  5905. "Oh"
  5906. >"Yeah! Oh! Oh shit, what if it stops my other magic, what if I can't teleport? What if I can't warp reality? How am I supposed to get into places?"
  5907. "Maybe you could use a door?"
  5908. >"What you mean that thing that peasants use?"
  5909. >God damn it some days you love your wife and some days you hate her
  5910. >You're not sure which it is today
  5916. >Celestia will never defend you from competition
  5917. >...even if that competition is just an inflatable floaty swan that her instincts nevertheless identify as "other alicorn that can take my man"
  5918. >One the inflatable swan is defeated (read: punctured), she will never trot back to you, head held high and chest tuft puffed out, looking prouder than you've ever seen her
  5919. >She will never expect head scratches and tuft-nuzzles for keeping you safe
  5925. >Just about every male villain in the history of Equestria has been some combination of bluebeaning, frigid, prude, stallionist, homo horse, or all of the above.
  5926. >Even Discord, who couldn't give less of a shit about ponies stuffy attitudes regarding sex, enjoyed bluebeaning mares just for the lulz.
  5927. >Not very conducive to attracting minion mares and making them want to stay around.
  5929. >Anon, by comparison, spends more time tending to his herd of minions than actually causing much villainy himself.
  5930. >The mares do most of troublemaking for him.
  5931. >Some of them get a little overzealous, and he has to get them to take it down a notch
  5934. > Minion herd
  5935. > Dead Lift, the brute of an earth pony mare
  5936. > Very calm and helps others without a second thought
  5937. > Depends on others for the deeper moral dilemmas, such as issues of ownership, or property damage
  5938. > Won't hit a stallion or foal, but will gently and firmly push them out of the way
  5940. > Double Blind, the mad magician unicorn mare
  5941. > Always trying out new spells, seeking after the true nature of things
  5942. > Provides a decent amount of the enchantments Anon's group uses
  5943. > Tends to perform experiments that summon monsters, disrupt the flow of time, and/or induce prolonged antigravity
  5944. > Likes to "correct" magic textbooks
  5946. > Sky Diving, the thrill-seeking pegasus mare
  5947. > Not the fastest flier, but skilled at flying through densly packed obstacles
  5948. > After speed and trick flying got old, she turned to a life of crime to provide the adrenaline rush she craves
  5949. > Pickpocketing, heists, etc.
  5951. > Barsilla, the taciturn minotaur bodyguard
  5952. > Fiercely protective, skilled at hand to hoof combat
  5953. > Used to work for the Goudamother, now assigned to Anon's operation to repay favors he's done for the Family
  5954. > The most normal person in the group, so she feels a bit out of place
  5956. > Char, Anon's greedy, right hand lady dragon
  5957. > Probably the most powerful of the group, but she tends to follow Anon's plans
  5958. > Also the accountant of the group
  5959. > Considers the group to be part of her hoard
  5965. >Anon is a human turned stallion.
  5966. >He's also in a mental asylum because non of these stupid ponies beleive him.
  5967. >They think he's a crazy stallion most likely trying to escape from some previous abuse and into a fantasy world.
  5968. >It doesn't exactly help that his life on Earth wasn't exactly all sunshine and rainbows, but he handles it well enough, he thinks.
  5969. >As for life on the inside, he's become a sort of psuedo big brother (sister in rgre) to a lot of the crazy ponies, and some of the staff are afraid he's going to form a herd with the weirdoes.
  5970. >He treats Screw Ball more like a pet dog than a girlfriend, but whatever, ponies don't listen to him, anyway.
  5971. >His only non-patient friend is one of the nurses, who is actually starting to fall for him and he'll admit to taking a fancy to her somewhat, as well.
  5972. >Which would be lovey except for he's a patient, suspected abuse victim, and diagnoses insane, so if any of the other staff catches wind, she'll be fired
  5978. >It wasn't clear at first; neither mare gave much thought to the younger sister's de-aged state when Luna returned and was freed from the Nightmare.
  5979. >The alicorn sisters were simply glad to have each other again.
  5980. >No, it wasn't until that spring that the two realized what had happened.
  5981. >Luna went into heat for the first time in thousands of years.
  5982. >It was impossible.
  5983. >She had hit menopause millennia ago.
  5984. >And yet here she was, an almost forgotten itch burning at her loans.
  5985. >A quick trip to the medical wing confirmed it, and some more in-depth examinations revealed the surprising 'why'.
  5986. >When Luna had first been banished to the moon, it wasn't as her physical self.
  5987. >No, the Elements had quite literally converted her body into pure magic and bound it within the space rock.
  5988. >That is why the Mare in the Moon appeared cratered across the lunar surface.
  5989. >And when Nightmare Moon returned, her body was reconstituted.
  5990. >Not exactly as it was, however, for if a body is being reconstructed from pure magic, why would it maintain the damage and wear of its predecessor?
  5991. >By all rights, Luna's body was new; a copy of what she once was, but lacking all the scars and imperfections garnered over a lifetime.
  5992. >And with ovaries restocked with healthy ovum.
  5993. >It was nothing short of a miracle, and one Celestia was guiltily envious of.
  5994. >Her sister was never the maternal sort, preferring to watch over the foal of others in the dreamscape rather than birth her own.
  5995. >A complete opposite of her sister, who, before hitting menopause all those years ago, had foaled nine little ones of her own.
  5996. >Still, there was nothing to be done about it, and Celestia was willing to let her sister squander her gift if that is what she so desired.
  5997. >... Until Anon came along, that is, and asked for a foal of his own from the solar monarch.
  5998. >Now Celestia is begging, pleading with her sister to bare a foal for her beloved, for if she cannot provide one of her own, than her sister was the next best option
  6004.  the set up to a shoujo manga.
  6006. >Anon is the new kid at Canterlot High.
  6007. >Through a series of unlikely circumstances, he finds himself a target of five of the school’s worst delinquents’ affections.
  6008. >Gilda, the rowdy jock who gets into fights all the time and resells cigarettes on campus that she gets from paying hobos to buy them for her.
  6009. >Sunset Shimmer, the two-faced ‘queen’ of the school and the biggest bully you’ve ever seen.
  6010. >The Dazzlings: A mysterious trio of sisters who showed up out of nowhere and get their kicks by exacerbating social conflicts. Rumor has it they’re searching for something, but no one has any idea what it is.
  6011. >None of these girls are interested in sharing. Will Anon, and more importantly the school, survive their tug of war over his affection?
  6014. >Pony Twilight finally goes to RGREqG after Sunset steals the Element of Magic.
  6015. >She didn’t know what she expected when crossing over into an alternate universe, but she certainly didn’t expect Sunset, three sirens, alternate versions of her friends and Gilda all fighting over a boy.
  6016. >It’s like those Neighponese mangas that Shining used to read.
  6017. >Sunset wants the Crown to take over both worlds and have Anon rule alongside her as King.
  6018. >The Sirens basically want the same thing, except with more singing.
  6019. >Gilda doesn’t know why they want the crown, but wants to get it so she can break it out of spite for the others.
  6020. >Rather than helping her, the Humane Five all put their hats in the running for Fall Formal Princess.
  6021. >The only one who’s halfway sane is Anon, who’s trying to keep them all from murdering each other
  6028. >Twilight is concerned because her husbando Anon won't wear a ball bra in public
  6029. >She tries to convince him to wear one, but completely refuses, saying there is no reason for him to wear if
  6030. >Twilight takes this as a challenge and decides to do an extensive research project on the benefits of ball bras
  6031. >A month later, an exhausted Twilight returns and unceremoniously gives Anon a medal of honor on behalf of Equestria.
  6032. >It turns out ball bra have several negative health consequences that are now being attributed to the declining birth rates
  6033. >It has also been discovered that wearing them has caused pain which increased their moodiness and killed their sex drive
  6034. >Birth rates are expected to go up as well as an expectance of more male births
  6035. >The only one not happy about this is Twilight, who only wanted to see her husbando in sexy underwear
  6041. >Celestia and Luna aren't just being horndogs (hornbuns? bunbitches?) when they try to none-too-subtly muscle their way into Anon and Cadence's relationship and try to form a royal herd
  6042. >rather, long forgotten instincts are flaring up, driving them to protect the (possible) father of their foals
  6043. >whether he wants them to or not
  6044. >thus their paranoia gets turned up from "be very careful with the literally unique alien male" to a solid "there are assassins/predators/rivals everywhere, why are you outside and why am I not pregnant yet?"
  6045. >checking his food for poisions even after the routine screening
  6046. >checking his visitors to make sure none of them are dirty stallion-stealing changelings in disguise
  6047. >checking his clothes to make sure no one's managed to embroider a teleportation rune into his shirt in the last five minutes without anyone noticing
  6048. >even checking his baths for sirens
  6049. >more often than not they don't even notice when they do all this
  6051. >of the two, Celestia is at least tactful
  6052. >or rather, she tries to be
  6053. >Luna makes no such efforts
  6054. >she just decided that she'd be sleeping with "her new herd" one day, and started to appear in bed with them the next
  6055. >if it were any other pony or situation, there would be some serious concerns raised about the security in the castle and just how the guards could miss someone sneaking into the Royal Chambers
  6056. >as it stands however, there's not much they can do
  6057. >especially considering how much of a liking Cadance and Anon's foal seems to have taken toward Luna, and how eager she is to play "Herd Mother" when the foal starts to cry at night
  6059. >You are Anon, and you are getting double-nuzzled in bed right now.
  6060. >You hum in appreciation as your wife, Princess Cadence, sleepily buries her muzzle into your neck.
  6061. >Behind you, someone else rubs their nose against the back of your head, and you can hear them taking deep breaths.
  6062. >What a relaxing night.
  6063. >...
  6064. >Aaaaaand your brain just caught up with the situation.
  6065. >What follows is a brief panicked tussle wherein your wife shoves you behind her so that she can protect you with her alicorn magic, and you both discover a rather disheaveled Princess Luna looking at you happily.
  6066. >"A-Aunt Luna?!"
  6067. "Princess Luna?!"
  6068. >>"Hello, herd-mates!" she chirps happily, "We live here now!"
  6074. >Anon is clumsy, a bit dense, but always good natured.
  6075. >Mare's love and wish to protect him, with only a few wanting to pervert something so pure.
  6076. >One day, a little filly, upon noticing this, asks why mares like him.
  6077. >He's basically just the stallion version of Derpy, right?
  6078. >Mares go to reprimand her, then freeze, her words registering.
  6079. >Fuck, she's right.
  6080. >Herd of mares end up in bar, rethinking their life choices over some shots
  6083. >The mares decide that there is only one right thing to do and work to get Derpy and Anon together since they're quite clearly soulmates.
  6084. >It's not hard, and the resulting cataclysm goes down in Ponyville history as D-A-Day.
  6085. >Half of of the town is destroyed by the clumsy duo in a Rube Goldberg-esque series of unfortunate events.
  6086. >When the two dunces later have a foal together, the whole of Equestria is put in danger
  6091. >Two unicorns trying to out-romance each other for Anon's hand in horse-marriage
  6092. >One is a fashionista who has read enough cheap romance novels (the ones that have mares with long, flowing manes on the front and opened shirts) to romance her way into the heart of any stallion
  6093. >One has traveled the roads for years and has a desperate loneliness that has fueled her desire to find a perfect mate, and thus has a drive that Rarity lacks, even if Trixie herself has too little experience with stallions to properly romance them
  6094. >Who will win?
  6095. >Both. Both will win and it will be very comfy.
  6100. >speculation about the so called "calidum simia" female runs wild. everything from muscled up super women to psychic dominatrices.
  6101. >with more and more anons poping into Equestria every day, the princesses become worried its only a matter of time before this new threat emerges.
  6102. >Luna suggests a full frontal offensive under a multi race coalition, but Celestia argues a campain of appeasement would leave their options flexible, and bedsides, someone has to marry all the humans, goodness knows they all seem far to silly and willful for your average mare to handle. 
  6103. >enter femanon, 82 year old grandma of 9 who was just getting ready to bake some cookies when she gets droped into ponyvile.
  6104. >having seriously inured herself most anons in town band together to help the sweet old lady recover. 
  6105. >unfortunately the pony's perceive this as a kind of herding behavior.
  6106. >Que the princesses freaking out, human females must be sexually spellbinding! easily praying on any poor unsuspecting male. After all, if this old one could score that many males, imagian how she was in her prime!
  6108. >She and granysmith hit it off like nothing
  6109. >The two are chilling on the porch when grant mentions that femanon can really knock them back
  6110. >Fem is confused till she realizes that the cider she and grany drink is technically alcoholic
  6111. >The next day femanon brings over a bottle of her home made hooch so granysmith can have a really drink
  6112. >Granysmith wakes up the next day in a cheep hotel room, surounded by poker chips and no less than 3 monkeys, all of whome are smoking.
  6113. >she mutters under her breath "not agian"
  6115. >Ponies observe Grandma Femanon teaching Anon how to bake
  6116. >"The quickest way to the heart of anyone, man or woman, is through their stomach, dearie. Your grandfather gave me a pie on our first date, and a few dates later I gave him MY pi-"
  6117. "Oh my god, Grandma!"
  6118. >"Hmph! Kids these days are such prudes."
  6119. >Ponies are initially confused about this
  6120. >If the kitchen is typically a stallion's domain and this old woman has as much power over her boys as she appears to, then why does she know how to bake so well?
  6121. >Doesn't she have any stallions to cook for her?
  6122. >Some mares speculate that she only learned so that she's adept at teaching the other male humans how to cook food, should their fathers be unavailable to do the job themselves.
  6123. >But then it hits them
  6124. >She's mastered so many skills as a matriarch that she's gotten bored and has begun to practice arts outside of her usual domain
  6125. >A cold sweat rolls over the ponies when they realize that they're dealing with great power
  6126. >Meanwhile, Grandma Femanon just finished handing out a plateful of cookies to a pony because they helped her with her grocery shopping
  6131. Has anyone written a green where Fluttershy can only flirt with animal facts? She's too shy to actually ask a stallion on a date, so she talks about the mating habits of animals, hoping they will catch on.
  6133. >"Certain types of birds attract mates through singing. I could show you a few, if you'd like."
  6134. >"When penguins mate, they stay together forever. They act like a married couple, with the poppa looking after the eggs and the momma provides food."
  6135. >"You know, bunnies can have up to a dozen babies at a time. I'm not sure if a pony could do that, but it would fun to find out
  6141. >"Aww, but come on! Look at him! He so small and cute!"
  6142. >Celestia says as she lifts the little Anon into Luna's face.
  6143. >Luna looks at Anon and finds he has been dressed in a little suit and has fake bunny ears on his head.
  6144. >He looks rather unamused by the bunny ears and whatever else Celestia has done to him.
  6145. >"I swear if you make me deal with her on a daily basis I'll hump you while you sleep and cum in your hair."
  6146. "We shall take him for a week and see if he holds to his promises of good times."
  6151. Anon didn't think living in RGREquestria would be too bad.
  6152. >But he is also not a lazy bitch with no more ambitions than finding a girl to settle down with and becoming a house husband.
  6153. >This is a problem when males are treated like 1920 women back on Earth.
  6154. >After exhausting all options in the first town he settled in, ending with him jobless, he strikes out to start over.
  6155. >Thus he ends up in Ponyville with a new strategy.
  6156. >Having grown his hair out to shoulder length and shaved his face, Anon tells every pony he meets that he is a girl.
  6157. >Desperate, but effective as ponies aren't aware of the specifics of human sexual dimorphism and thus just assumes human woman must generally be burly and rugged, much like minotaur cows.
  6158. >He quickly gets a job in construction and impresses his boss with his work ethic, being promoted to foremare.
  6159. >His rough and tough attitude and aptitude make him the source of both envy and jealousy.
  6160. >Stallions want him.
  6161. >Mares want to be him.
  6162. >He even has a reputation as a stallion-slayer as he always smells of masculine musk, no doubt the result of fugging so many stallions.
  6163. >It's really just him working up a sweat, but they don't need to know that.
  6164. >How long can Anon keep up the farce?
  6165. >What will happen when it fails?
  6167. >An actual minotaur cow shows up and quickly calls Anon her sister.
  6168. >They're roughly the same height and build except the cow has some nice tits.
  6169. >They go out drinking and Anon is pleased to finally have someone who can keep up with him.
  6170. >She likes everything he likes and the two form a strong friendship.
  6171. >Anon starts feeling desires for the muscly female, which he's now learning is his type apparently.
  6172. >One night while being plastered, he tries to kiss her.
  6173. >"Wow there, sis, I think you've had one too many."
  6174. "But, Tina... I think I love you," he slurs, getting a concerned look from the minoaur.
  6175. >"Wow, uh, okay then. Um, listen Anon, you're great and all, and any bull, or cow even, would be lucky to have you... but I'm not gay. I'm sorry."
  6176. >Anon gives a few uneven blinks, mouth hanging slightly open.
  6177. >Well shit.
  6178. >Now what's he suppose to do?
  6183. > Nightmare Moon gets bored and horny on the moon
  6184. > Arranges the shadows to look like a well hung stallion presenting himself
  6185. > Suddenly a lot of mares love the night
  6186. > The exile spell weakens, and Nightmare Moon can feel it
  6187. > Years pass as the exiled princess makes pornographic shadows on the moon
  6188. > After a mere 100 years, Nightmare Moon is released
  6189. > However, things have changed
  6190. > Instead of Nightmare Night, there is Delightmare Night
  6191. > Ponies welcome the porn princess without fear
  6192. > Luna retains some of her nightmare form, and enjoys granting deserving ponies wet dreams
  6193. > Night court consists of important, lewd decisions
  6194. > Certain fetishes are condemned, though ponies who suffer from shit taste are granted dream bubbles to express and contain their cancerous desires
  6200. >Anon starts dating one of the Sirens.
  6201. >Sunset and her friends start white-knighting him hard.
  6202. >They'd be sorta okay with it being Sonata.
  6203. >But if it's Adagio or Aria even Fluttershy would consider decking them.
  6204. >Problem is no one really knows which one, and the Sirens are keeping quiet out of pure spite.
  6205. >So they try and figure out which one, Sherlock Holmes style.
  6206. >Plot twist, it's actually not all of them at once as the RGREqG cliché goes, but they're close enough friends thanks to the one he is dating
  6207. >Sherlock Sunset gets mixed signals and comes to explicitly wrong conclusions at first
  6214. >anon cant do magic
  6215. >nor can magic really effect him
  6216. >after some time he starts to realize that he is able to influence the magic around him
  6217. >even to a small degree
  6218. >he can push around magic the same way we push water 
  6219. >or when he rubs his hand real fast he set the magic on fire
  6220. >it only happens when he is consciously attempting to "push" magic
  6221. >currently he cant do jack shit because his spindly bony ass can barely lift 5 kilos
  6222. >he trains and lifts so he can handle the stresses of he new found ability
  6228. >Kid Anon is scared when he first arrives in Equestria, for obvious reasons, then eventually settles into confusion when he isn't eaten or dissected by these ponies like in sci-fi horror movies.
  6229. >Later comes curiosity as he explores there world, which quickly turns to frustration when he realizes he has been, and will be treated like a little girl for the foreseeable future.
  6230. >The boys, colts, they're- he's called, are all annoying wimps who don't like anything fun, and the girl-fillies won't let him join in on the actual cool stuff like stick fighting, spitting, and general roughhousing.
  6231. >Then there's the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who get up to the coolest stuff imaginable, like launching themselves from a catapult, who are actually willing, even eager, to let him join in, but their over bearing sisters always cut the fun short.
  6232. >Applejack and Rarity realize their sisters have a little colt following them around, and can't be more proud.
  6233. >So of course they want to make sure the girls don't mess things up and feed them a continues stream of advice on how to properly treat and handle an interested stallion
  6239. >It’s lunch period in Canterlot High
  6240. >The Humane Five are just watching with a mix of amazement and concern as Sunset and Anon chat at a separate table, the two of them seemingly in their own world.
  6241. >They’re chatting about the differences between Anon’s world, Equestria, and their world.
  6242. >Sunset has this genuine smile on her face, not the usual smirks or sneers when she was Queen Bitch, or the nervous fake grins she wears all the time now since the Fall Formal, but an honest to god smile.
  6243. >It’s obvious to them, she’s got it BAD for the strange new male student. Anon doesn’t even seem to notice his effect on her. That’s the only reason they’re sure she’s not taking advantage of him when they go back to their shared apartment.
  6244. >They’re torn between the memories of all the shit Sunset put the entire school through and the promise they made to Twilight to teach her about friendship.
  6245. >So they just watch, ready to step in if needed but hopefully they aren’t.
  6250. >You look at all the sculputers in front of you
  6251. >You see one that is magically vibrateing if just enough to hum
  6252. >"Yes, well I called you all in today to discuss anons 'projects'"
  6253. >You look at everything there
  6254. >"Um, miss... cheerilee was it? Im not sure I follow what you want?"
  6255. >Your herdmates just look at them
  6256. >All the sculptures
  6257. >"Well, as you know anon, is a bit... different"
  6258. >You all nod to that
  6259. >You knew you were getting into something weird when you all accepted to jointly adopt anon
  6260. >you just sigh
  6261. "So what do you want us to do about it?"
  6262. >Lets just cut to the chase
  6263. >cheerilee hoofs you over some drawings
  6264. >You look at the.... my GOD ANON WHAT DID YOU DO
  6265. >You pass them and the other mothers are sweating bullets
  6266. >"Yes, well, here is the most recent ones"
  6267. >What fresh hell is awaiting you now
  6268. >You look at them and its anon, the teacher, and you? 
  6269. >The teacher and some of the other mothers
  6270. >The teacher and anon
  6271. >Wow... anon has an eye for the details doesn't he
  6272. "Ok... um..."
  6273. >She looks at you
  6274. >"So let's not beat around the bush, if what anon is drawing is part of home life, I don't care, none of you are biologically related to him, and while he is a bit young, skill wise he would already be an adult with a cutie mark in several fields."
  6275. >Ok going a different way then you thought
  6276. "Where are you going with this miss cheerilee?"
  6277. >"To be frank, I want in"
  6278. >All of you tense up
  6279. >"He looks at me, he makes the jokes with innuendo and knows it, he puts himself in positions that most mares would snap after dealing with it so long. If I cant get in now and this isnt home life, we can drop it and I can wait till he is no longer my student if he still is attracted to me then..."
  6280. >You look to the other mothers
  6281. >You all share a nod
  6282. "Come by at 5, we can have dinner and discuss it further then"
  6284. (Anon made dildos and drew porn of his moms and teacher)
  6290. >Kid Anon gets sucked into Equestria and transformed.
  6291. >Not into a pony or other creature, however.
  6292. >No, instead, he arrives as a fully grown man.
  6293. >He decides to keep this fact a secret so he can experience the awesome life of an adult, even if it is in Ponyland.
  6294. >Anon quickly makes a bunch of cool grown up friends, and even gets a job.
  6295. >His coworker, Miss Harshwhinny, thinks he's a silly colt who needs to get his head out of the clouds and focus on his work.
  6296. >Anon thinks Harshwhinny has to learn to have some fun, and he intends to teach her how.
  6297. >Over time, Anon helps the bitter mare find her inner filly and enjoy life like she used to in her carefree youth.
  6298. >As for Miss Harshwhinny, she never thought she'd meet a stallion like this; so vibrant and carefree.
  6299. >She never thought she'd fall in love.
  6300. >Anon is oblivious to this and thinks of her as a best friend.
  6301. >He even contemplates sharing with her his deepest secret.
  6302. >And what better time to do that than on their night of fun out on the town Miss Harshwhinny offered to take him on.
  6303. >She's going to take him to get food, and then to see a movie, and then they're going to go back to her place to have a sleepover.
  6304. >What a cool best friend he's made, setting up such an awesome playdate
  6311. >Anon is ambitious.
  6312. >But Equestria is a maretriarchy.
  6313. >He could possibly overcome being human instead of a pony. By magical transformative or illusionary means if he had to.
  6314. >But he's unwilling to even consider giving up his manhood. Because tg is a shit fetish.
  6315. >And despite what the stallionists believe, as long as that is true, he'll never be able to gather power alone.
  6316. >He needs a mare.
  6318. >He considered wooing a Princess.
  6319. >But eventually rejected the idea for many reasons.
  6320. >Primary among them, the power imbalance.
  6321. >They would always be the senior partner in a relationship.
  6322. >Celestia's word was law, had been for a millennia.
  6323. >However grudgingly is may or may not be, Luna deferred to her.
  6324. >And Twilight idolized her, even when her own magical potency outstripped her teacher's.
  6325. >Which meant real power at their level required influence with Celestia.
  6326. >And she had been playing the game a long looong time.
  6327. >Ponies may be naive compared to humanity, politically. But unlike modern ponies, their ruler had been forged in times of strife.
  6328. >Even if he dared to try, he feared she'd sniff out his motivations and reject him. Such a stain on his image could sunder his ambitions permanently.
  6329. >He wasn't a gold digger. He wanted power true, but money was merely a means to an end, and he did have a craving for love as well.
  6330. >But Celestia could have anyone she wanted, and it worried him that a mare in that position was single, and had been since before any could remember.
  6331. >Going the royal route was fraught with danger.
  6333. >The nobility was an option, but their influence had been waning.
  6334. >The Canterlot nobility had been too inwardly focused on their own petty interests and feuds for too long.
  6335. >Celestia had been systematically reducing their power over time. Slow and gradual enough to avoid backlash and tantrums. She was immortal, and could afford to be patient.
  6336. >It was the politicians and bureaucrats and courts that had been gaining more power
  6337. >Despite its small population, Ponyville had become almost the most important place in the world.
  6338. >Only Canterlot and the Crystal Empire could claim to rival it.
  6339. >Almost everything of importance that had happened since Luna's return had involved Ponyville or it's local heroes in some way.
  6340. >Yet very few seemed to realize it.
  6341. >So much the better for him.
  6342. >This was the town of opportunity.
  6343. >And right now, opportunity wore a dyed grey mane.
  6344. >Twilight may be the ultimate authority in the region, since she had ascended.
  6345. >But she had little interest in the political aspects of her authority.
  6346. >Which meant that whenever there wasn't something trying to destroy the town, Mayor Mare was the one in charge.
  6347. >And not only was she single, she seemed to have a great deal of difficulty in correcting that.
  6348. >He couldn't imagine why.
  6349. >She was beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, and had power backed by the support of the populace.
  6350. >And she was younger than she tried to appear, as the slight hint of pink roots revealed.
  6351. >All things a 'stallion' was supposed to find attractive.
  6352. >Well it was their loss and his gain.
  6359. >Ponies don't know much about humans
  6360. >Mostly because Anon is the only human in Equestria, and at best that means they have a single data point to graph human behaviour
  6361. >However, once Anon got over his shyness around a whole new sapient species (one that is more tactile than humans), he discovered that he loves cuddling ponies and ponies have no qualms about cuddling him right back
  6362. >This is partly because Anon was never the most social of butterflies back on Earth, and he was somewhat starved for physical attention
  6363. >Ponies notice how much happier Anon is when he's holding/carrying/cuddling with a mare, and they conclude that the happiness of humans as a species is dependent on whether or not they are cuddling a pony
  6364. >Twilight lets it be known to Ponyville that a cuddled human is a happy human, and Celestia herself would fly down to Ponyville and twist Twilight's teats if the young purple unicorn made the newest and most exotic alien creature sad because of her negligence
  6365. >To Anon's delight, the population of Ponyville seems happy to jump up onto his lap whenever he sits down
  6366. >Or (in the case of pegasi) flutter over and settle down on his shoulders and keep him warm with their wings
  6367. >Or even to just stretch their bodies out and lay against him when he takes a break from his job and lays down under the shade of a tree
  6374. >Anon arrives in Equestria and he soon realizes something even more distressing.
  6375. >He can see spirits.
  6376. >There aren't that many of them, most ponies, 
  6377. gryphons, etc., don't stay in this mortal coil for various reasons.
  6378. >But there are enough to be seen wherever he goes.
  6379. >He tried to keep it to himself, he didn't want the ponies to think he was a crazy dangerous creature.
  6380. >But that failed when the spirits around Canterlot realized the weird minotaur-thing could see and hear them.
  6381. >But he keeps ignoring them.
  6382. >So they set about trying to get him to respond to them.
  6383. >Especially when he's in public, they have things they want to convey to the living
  6389. >Anon was a powerful necromancer before arriving in Equestria, having turned to the dark arts in response to a loss of his family and extreme loneliness.
  6390. >After resurrecting the husks of his family, however, he was not left to live in false happiness, many a paladin and righteous warrior coming to take his life.
  6391. >Anon was caught up in the fight for survival, and subsequently became the monster people accused him of being.
  6392. >It was a miracle when he arrived in Equestria and was granted a clean slate, and he made sure to hide his nature as a necromancer.
  6393. >It was even more amazing that he found love in a simple mare.
  6394. >But years later, when his wife passes, Anon falls into the same despair, and subsequent string of events.
  6395. >In his grief, he revives his wife as a husk, and the ripple of dark magic in such a pure world is felt like a tidal wave.
  6396. >Anon is revealed as a necromancer, and soon has ponies searching him out.
  6397. >Celestia would have killed him as she had done so many other foul necromancers, but can't bring herself to harm a mourning stallion, no matter their species or past.
  6398. >She gets Luna to agree to using the elements, and Anon is turned into a weeping statue.
  6399. >More than a thousand years later, after the reformation of Discord, Celestia has hope.
  6400. >If a Spirit of Chaos can turn to good, then surely this necromancer can, as well.
  6401. >She just has to decide which pony to send him to for reformation.
  6402. >Fluttershy, perhaps?
  6403. >She's proven herself once, already.
  6404. >Or maybe Twilight?
  6405. >That might be a problem if the magic addict ends up learning necromancy herself from the human.
  6406. >Hmm...
  6407. >Decisions, decisions
  6412. >Sunset and Anon are pretty serious
  6413. >Sunset wants Anon to meet Princess Celestia and her parents and enjoy all sorts of horsey stuff that she's been telling him about for the better part of two or three years
  6414. >Sunset tries to enter the portal
  6415. >Walks through
  6416. >Flash of light
  6417. >Is (gently) spat back out, still human
  6418. >Anon, typical to his nature, reacts with mock-awe
  6419. >"Oh my god, you're a horse now! Goodness, look at those hooves and the mane!"
  6420. >Sunset tells him to shove it and fishes around her backpack for the book she has which is connected to Twilight's back in Equestria
  6421. >Theories get spat back and forth for a few weeks until Sunset realizes she's pregnant with Anon's child
  6422. >Her fifteen paragraph long explanation/rant/confession of fears that Sunset will be a bad mother are met with a single sentence from Twilight
  6423. >"Well, that would do it."
  6424. >Magical transformation is dangerous while pregnant, and the portal won't let Sunset return to Equestria for another 9 months
  6425. >This doesn't stop Celestia and Sunset's family and friends from coming through to congratulate her and Anon on the pregnancy
  6426. >Twilight maybe might have brought a sack full of bits with her
  6427. >Those bits might be solid gold
  6428. >They might be worth a hell of a lot more than their face value, ensuring that Anon and Sunset don't have to worry about things that 18-year-old parents with high school educations have to worry about, like working 3 jobs each 30 hours a day
  6435. >Babs Seed is actually a colt.
  6436. >Every pony just mistakes him as a filly because of his looks and attitude.
  6437. >He lets them as life's easier when fillies aren't drooling after him constantly.
  6438. >That is until he gets his mark in hairdressing and is bombarded by teasing remarks about how he's colt for having such a masculine skill.
  6439. >One day, while being pestered by some bullies, he grinds his teeth, fuse rapidly shortening.
  6440. >"Wow, I heard you were working here, but I can't believe it's actually true," one filly says, looking around the salon and all of the stallion hairdressers before letting her eyes settle on Babs.
  6441. >"Yeah, she's probably just here so she can eye all the stallions. You fellas should make sure to keep your tails down or else Babs will take a peek," comments the other.
  6442. >While the stallions all share confused looks, Babs breathes through his nose and turns around.
  6443. "Listen yous twos, I don't care if ya go sayin' stupid stuff like that on the playground, but I got work to do here, so unless you need a mane cut, hows 'bout ya just scram?"
  6444. >"Pfft, yeah, like we'd let a perv like you anywhere near us with a pair of scissors. You'd probably be to busy looking at your 'coworker' to give a decent mane cut."
  6445. >"Hey now!" a stallion interrupts. "I don't know what you girls are trying to get at, but Babs here is a fine stylist, not some airhead off the street."
  6446. >The other filly quickly tries to placate the stallion.
  6447. >"But, sir, we're just trying to keep you safe! Babs Seed is only here to take advantage of you!"
  6448. >"And what ever would give you that idea?"
  6449. >"Because why else would a filly work in a salon?"
  6450. >"Wait, filly? What are you talking about?"
  6451. >"What do you mean what are we talking about? We're talking about the filly right there."
  6452. >"You... you two think Babs here is a filly?"
  6453. >"Uh, yeah, what are we suppose to think? That she's a colt? Why would we think that?"
  6454. "Because I am a colt, you idiots!" Babs explodes.
  6461. >Magic is some funny shit. It's all powerful but limited at the same time, constantly breaking it's own rules. 
  6462. >One day, Twilight was experimenting with time spells and accidentally opened a rift to another timeline.
  6463. >A timeline several thousand years back. 
  6464. >And out pops a younger, harsher, and more arrogant Celestia. 
  6465. >The rift promptly closes and can't be reopened. 
  6466. >It's quickly decided it's best if the younger Celestia stays in Canterlot Castle ("Hmph. I would not dare stay in such a filthy, common hamlet.")
  6467. >Naturally, you also live in the Castle since just being an alien makes you immensely important on principal. 
  6468. >This is where problems arise. 
  6469. >Ponies are generally too meek to try and force you into their gender roles or just write off your behavior as alien culture. 
  6470. >The few times someone has tried to force you, you resisted so violently that it put off any one else who might try.
  6471. >But young Celestia is from an age where males of all sorts were little more than property to be used by mares and we're expected to behave in certain ways. She's very loud and assertive in her opinions. 
  6472. >And you and her are going to be living near each other.
  6474. >Young Celestia is disgusted with how soft Older Celestia has become. Especially around the flanks, where should be tons of muscle.
  6475. >Until she gets a taste of cake
  6477. >Anon just finds her cute.
  6478. >Whenever she begins scolding him for acting out he just laughs it off.
  6479. >Begins just picking her up and struggle snuggling her.
  6480. >Young Celestia despises being marehandled by a colt but can do nothing to stop it.
  6481. >She calls for the guards but they only laugh at her anger as they know her threats and orders mean nothing as present Celestia told them so.
  6482. >This only makes the shame worse.
  6483. >She starts hiding from Anon to avoid being demeaned by his hugs.
  6484. >What scares her the most is she's starting to enjoy it.
  6485. >Ponies start finding her hiding in dark areas ears on the swivel for Anon while she eats cake to calm her nerves.
  6486. >"I mustn't let the creature turn me into his snuggle slave!"
  6489. >Big Celestia is a massive cuddle-fiend
  6490. >Small Celestia is horrified and affronted that any counterpart of hers could sink to such degeneracy
  6491. >swears that she will never be like her
  6492. >tries to stay away from her as much as possible to keep from contracting the older mare's degeneracy
  6493. >even swears off hounding Anon for being such an unrepentant janefilly, since he spends so much time with Big Celestia
  6494. >however, it was only a matter of time until her resolve wavered, and she ended up snuggling with the two, well into what should have been the morning
  6495. >that same day, it was discovered that if two diurnally-inclined alicorns decide that morning hasn't come yet, then morning will not be coming just yet
  6496. >no matter what any other ponies, alicorns included, have to say about it
  6498. >Young Celestia decides enough is enough after a few bottles of royal wine and that if Anon want act like a filthy whorse she treat him like one.
  6499. >Anon is eating a bowl of nightly Pony Ohs when a very drunk young Celestia comes stumbling in saying "'bout to teach you a l-lesson monkey boy!" Before stumbles over and grabs his shirt sleeve with her teeth trying to drag him away with her.
  6500. >Anon not wanting the drunk pony to tear his shirt quickly finishes his cereal and follows her back to her room.
  6501. >"G- *hic*-et on tha b-bed slut!" She demands "I-Imma teach you to tease a... a, to tease a..."
  6502. "A princess?"
  6503. >"A princess!"
  6504. >Anon obviously knowing she's not all there at the moment passes up letting the drunk pony make a mistake she'd regret later picks her up and carries her to the bed.
  6505. >"No! I'm in control! Lemme go!" She yells as Anon lays down with his drunk pony cuddle pillow.
  6506. >"L-Lemme... Lemme... *Snoring princess noises*"
  6507. >The next morning Anon wakes up to a panicking princess.
  6508. >As much as she wanted Anon to respect her she doesn't want that respect to be through fear and would never force a colt to cuddle with her normally.
  6509. >Anon now has to calm a young Celestia down and stop her from turning herself in and 'taking responsibility' when she gets out.
  6511. >first it was young Celestia trying to "make things right"
  6512. >then it was old Celestia trying to keep an eye on her counterpart and making sure she didn't mess things up or hurt Anon too badly
  6513. >then it was Luna trying to stay near her sister and trying to get some quality time with her
  6514. >the one thing that united them all though was that they were all a bunch of spergs sensing a chance to finally get some dick in there lives, even if they didn't admit it
  6515. >especially since they wouldn't admit it
  6523. >Anon finds work at Applejack's farm, hauling baskets around without hurting his back like a pony would, thanks to his superior human spine being in line with his legs
  6524. >Frequently visits the on-site old-fashioned water pump to cool himself down on those sweltering summer days full of physical labour
  6525. >Applejack initially hired him because he looks good without a shirt on, but kept him around because he was actually pretty useful to have around during a busy day
  6526. >Applejack doesn't exactly keep her behaviour subtle, and Granny picks up on her lusting pretty quickly
  6527. >Granny is old-fashioned even by the Apple family's already old-fashioned standards, and Applejack's heart skips a beat when she realizes she's about to get her hide tanned for even CONSIDERING having relations with a stallion (even a human stallion) out of wedlock
  6528. >Makes up a story on the spot about how she's courting Anonymous in a desperate attempt to save her hay-bacon; Granny is juuuuust senile enough to buy it
  6529. >Applejack waits for Granny to leave before hauling ass to wherever Anon is and begging him to play along with her story in front of Granny in exchange for unlimited pies and days off whenever he wants them
  6530. >"Y'all can go to the spa with yer colt friends, or spend the day out on the town an' buy yerself somethin' pretty... just please pretend for Granny that we're courting! She'll burn my fritters if'fin she finds out that we ain't!"
  6531. >Much like any story with a plot right out of a cheap romcom, Anon and Applejack fall for each other after spending so much time trying to uphold the lie
  6532. >Turns out that Granny wasn't even fooled because Applejack is god-awful at lying, but she let them sweat it out as punishment for lying to her
  6539. >Anon doesn't arrive alone when he plot-devices into Equestria
  6540. >His girlfriend comes with him
  6541. >They're fine at first, but the stress that comes from their circumstances stretches their relationship to the breaking point
  6542. >Ponies witness their very public break-up
  6543. >Lots of yelling, lots of dirty laundry being aired, and ending with a firm slap against Anon's cheek
  6544. >With that last act, Anon's (now ex) girlfriend has suddenly and unknowingly made herself VERY unpopular in Ponyville
  6545. >Meanwhile, white knights are already forming impromptu tactical squads and are moving in to comfort Anon in the hopes of getting some belly rubs and ear scritches in return
  6552. >Celestia and Luna vet every mare who even attempts to talk to their father.
  6553. >Anon is confused why he needs a platoon of stallion guards, but his daughter's assure him of the necessity.
  6554. >The art of magic has come a long ways; hundreds of new spell books with thousands of new spells having been released since his absence.
  6555. >Needless to say, unicorn mares are far more dangerous today than they used to be so long ago.
  6556. >Plus he's the father of two powerful political figures now, making him a target to both foreign agents and shallow mares alike.
  6557. >They don't tell him all of this, but they eventually do get him to accept the guards.
  6558. >They were not risking losing him again.
  6559. >Anon at least enjoys the company of the stallions; the little herd of gossipers keeping him up to date on all the latest happenings of the castle and city.
  6560. >He'd appreciate if they stopped trying to get him out of his tunic, though.
  6561. >He didn't care how much frills were 'in', he was not wearing those lacy abominations they kept bringing him.
  6562. >And what the fuck are testicle bras?
  6563. >What idjit came up with that?
  6565. >Anon is even more socially unaware than Luna
  6566. >Goes full Thor when he went to Earth for the first time
  6567. >Smashes cups and dinnerware as an expression of joy
  6568. >Kicks in doors laughing like a madman, weapon in hand and blood all over him shouting "TIA, LULU, COME LOOK WHAT I JUST KILLED, I THINK IT WOULD MAKE A FINE CARPET FOR THE THRONE ROOM"
  6569. >Whilst many ponies are concerned and downright terrified of him they also strangely feel safe around him which just makes them even more confused
  6570. >Meanwhile Celestia and Luna are embarrassed by their father treating them as if they're still foals
  6571. >Much of their complaining and the suggestions of the ponies to try and settle down are met with hearty laughter and headpats
  6572. >This confuses the ponies further
  6578. You know, I'm picturing Celestia and Luna getting excited over Anon being in their castle the same way a small child gets excited when their parents visit their school for the first time. Like, nobles are waiting patiently to be heard in court while Celestia babbles happily to Anon about her duties.
  6580. >"And this is my throne, where I sit to hear the problems of all my little ponies."
  6581. "That's nice, Celestia."
  6582. >"Oh! And that's what I call them! I call the citizens of Equestria 'my little ponies' because I'm so much bigger than they are!"
  6583. "Oh, yeah?"
  6584. >"Uh-huh! Do you wanna take a seat on it? It's really comfy! Traditionally, thrones are meant to be uncomfortable because it's supposed to be some sort of metaphor, but I didn't like sitting on a stone chair the entire day so I charmed my throne so that it would be like sitting on a pillow!"
  6585. "That's really neat, sweetheart!"
  6587. >Anon falls for a dragon because, besides his daughters, she's the only one he's met that remembers the old days of yore.
  6588. >The bad days.
  6589. >The all or nothing days.
  6590. >The blood and guts days and by the gallons.
  6591. >In truth, though Anon pastes on a smile for his daughters, he feels out of place all over again.
  6592. >It was hard enough to adjust the first time he arrived in Equestria, but at least then there had still been need for warrior.
  6593. >For killers.
  6594. >Now, the world was peaceful and it's inhabitants tame.
  6595. >Except for her.
  6596. >The dragoness who grinned, nostrils flaring whenever he brought her a fresh kill.
  6597. >The one who's teeth only showed more as he regaled her with the tale of his hunts where ponies would only look on in horror.
  6598. >His daughter's don't approve of their relationship, but in truth, she's the only one keeping him sane in a world he no longer belongs
  6600. > Papa Anon fits dragon gender roles
  6601. > He acquires and prepares food while the dragoness is off collecting tribute for the hoard
  6602. > Anon is incredibly good at managing the diamond dog miners, and they are incredibly eager to please him
  6603. > He decorates the lair with furs and adorable little furniture, like his cute throne that he carved out of a 6ft diameter oak tree trunk
  6604. > He's begun brewing mead and other alcohols, and the dragoness has a good feeling about how it will turn out
  6606. >Anon is incredibly good at managing the diamond dog miners, and they are incredibly eager to please him.
  6608. >enter cave
  6609. >immediately swarmed by D-dogs looking for earscritches and any new bones he brought
  6610. >instead of whips or anything like that to "motivate" the workers, Anon just asks them one question
  6611. >"Who's a good girl?"
  6612. >they're off like a shot, trying to prove that THEY are the good girl, not any of those other beta bitches
  6614. >One day, while reminiscing about an old battle with a fierce teenage dragon, Anon comes to a realization.
  6615. "Ay, She was a toogh one, 'at dragon, scales loch iron an' muscles ay steel."
  6616. >"Oh" the dragoness comments, laying on her side and face propped up in one claw while she listens to the human sat back against her massive chest.
  6617. >She smiles as he nods.
  6618. "Mhmm, She'd bin comin' intae toon tae ned awa' uir sheep, th' devil. we hud made deals wi' those sheep in exchange fur thaur wool, an' haur thes lass was, treatin' th' flock loch 'er personal buffet!"
  6619. >"Well, young dragons do need meat to grow. Wouldn't want to end up stunted like Dragon Lord Ember's little purple friend."
  6620. "Ay, Ah can kin understan 'at, but Ah gart a tryst eh'd nae suin turn mah back oan, regardless ay hoo delicioos mutton is. th' dragon hud tae be stopped."
  6621. >"Of course," the dragoness agreed, resisting laughter. "And how'd the battle go?"
  6622. "It was fierce!" boomed the comparatively small human, voice bouncing off the walls. "Mah ax cooldnae pierce 'er scales, but it hurt! efter puckle guid wallaps, she tried tae brin' it tae th' grin, th' rockit."
  6623. >The dragoness frowns.
  6624. "Ah hud 'er pinned in nae time, squirmin' an' beggin' fer mercy."
  6625. >"As I seem to remember, the fight went on for nearly ten minutes, and you suffered far more injuries. If it weren't for an inappropriately plunged finger, you'd have never gotten that pin," the dragoness states accusingly.
  6626. >Anon blushes.
  6627. "'At was a perfectly fair move in a battle tae th' death," he said, then looked up. "An' hoo woods ye ken whit happened... 'at... day..."
  6628. >"Mmm, I'll admit, as furious as I was at the time, I did end up thinking of you often, and where else those fingers could go..."
  6629. >Anon is slack-jawed, looking over the green scales, the same shade as way back then, and those violet eyes, less angry, but just as intense.
  6630. "It's you..." he breathes.
  6631. >She reaches down and taps a massive claw to the tip of his nose.
  6632. >"About time you realize"
  6636. >Horse-dad Anon in Equestria
  6637. >Specifically the dad of the two cutest little mutants you ever did see, Celestia and Luna
  6638. >Also be single because I don't fucking know, Luna disembowled the mother on her way out or something
  6639. >Do your best to raise them well enough, even though you doubt medieval village is the best place to be a single father
  6640. >Think you did well enough, especially with the neighbors' help
  6641. >Seems like there is some to that whole "it takes a village" thing
  6642. >Both your girls are old enough now to stay home on their own for a few hours and not set whole village alight, so you put yourself back into the Game that you just lost
  6643. >Took a little while, but you eventually find a nice mare
  6644. >Hit it off fairly well, you think
  6645. >Go on a few dates
  6646. >Tonight's date went particularly well, if you say so yourself
  6647. >Why, if you didn't have a pair of little fillies (hopefully) snoozing away in your home, you might have even been tempted to invite your marefriend inside!
  6648. >But alas, the responsibilities of fatherhood are many, and it just wouldn't do to wake up your little angels with the sounds of such debauchery
  6649. >So you bid her goodnight, and slip into your humble abode...
  6650. >Only to see your eldest snoozing on your... well, its not quite a couch, but its the best you could manage in this horse-world, so you call it a couch
  6651. >Seems someone was waiting for you
  6652. >Despite the fact she should have been asleep in her bed a few hours ago, you feel yourself smiling
  6653. >Well, that's quickly remedied at least
  6654. >You scoop up your little alabaster angel as gently as you can, but still only manage a few steps before her magenta eyes eyes flicker open
  6655. >"Daddy...? Did your date go okay?"
  6656. >Aww, look at her, being concerned for your happiness
  6657. >Your heart fills with paternal love
  6658. "Yes, it did, Celly."
  6659. >Your daughter gives a sleepy little nod
  6660. >"That's good..."
  6661. >She looks up at you, a tired, yet determined look in her eye
  6662. >"Did you bring back any cake, daddy?"
  6663. >You huff a little laugh as you start up the stairs
  6664. >What is with this filly and cake?
  6665. >Neither you or her mother had much of a sweet tooth, and certainly not for cake
  6666. "No sweetie, I didn't."
  6667. >Her cute little muzzle scrunches
  6668. >"Poo..."
  6675. >Anon lives alone, but has many friends
  6676. >Stallions and mares alike, they all help teach him how to better survive on his own, and they respect his wishes to not rely on a mare to take care of him
  6677. >His stallion friends take him to cooking classes; Mister Cake gives some good pointers
  6678. >The Spa Sisters take him on to work, giving him a source of income and giving him some practical skills
  6679. >Pinkie shows him the art of hosting a party (even a low-grade non-Pinkie party) and Anon learns how to entertain guests and how to treat ponies
  6680. >A bout of slow business means that Anon rents out his basement to a few mares to supplement his income
  6681. >It isn't until he's making breakfast for the mares, giving them massages after their long days at work, and seeing them off to work in the morning that he's realized Equestria has stealthily taught him how to become a house-husband.
  6682. >"Son of a bitch."
  6689. >Anon the stallion in Equestria.
  6690. >And no, that is not an allusion to his sexual prowess.
  6691. >Nor is it because he has been turned into a pony.
  6692. >Anon is literally a purebred Clydesdale that somehow found his way into Equestria.
  6693. >Not that he realizes this.
  6694. >He just knows there are a lot of little horses scurrying around his hooves and making sounds like the people do.
  6695. >They aren't hurting him, though, and bring him food, so he doesn't mind.
  6696. >Meanwhile, ponies marvel at this literal giant that has wondered into town.
  6697. >They also blush as your average mare's height doesn't even reach the stallion's shoulders.
  6698. >It's hard to miss such an... impressive display when it's hovering just over your head.
  6699. >They also worry at the clear signs that something is terribly wrong with the stallion.
  6700. >He doesn't talk, is skittish around loud noises, yet doesn't shy away from touches, no matter if they're from mares or even in... inappropriate places.
  6701. >It's almost as if this poor stallion has been trained to not fight the touches.
  6702. >To simply stand there and accept them.
  6703. >And the training was none too gentle if the brand is any indication.
  6704. >Who was this gentle giant, and who hurt him?
  6705. >The mares didn't know, but the Princesses have taken a vested interest in finding out.
  6706. >For purely royal reasons, of course, like tracking down an obvious stallion-beater within their kingdon and certainly not to learn more about the alicorn+ sized stallion in their midst.
  6708. >Celestia laid in the garden next to Anon, sighing as she leaned her head against his broad neck.
  6709. >Perhaps it was a bit forward- even wrong- to do such with stallion who couldn't spurn the gesture, but it calmed her nonetheless.
  6710. "We've still no leads on whoever has made you this way," she tells the stallion as he stares off into the distance, ears occasionally flicking towards the sounds of nature around them. "I know it must worry you to know that they are still out there, but do not fear, we- I- will not allow them to harm anymore stallions."
  6711. >Anon leans down, pulling a tuft of grass from the ground and chewing absently.
  6712. >Celestia smiles lightly, looking around before doing the same, albeit more daintily.
  6713. >It had been millennia since she had grazed for fear of judgement.
  6714. >this stallion was different, however; he lived life as she once did, free and natural before the needs of others forced her to become a eader.
  6715. "Mmm, I'll have to give my compliments to the gardener," she mused, chuckling to herself.
  6716. >It was imagination derived from hope, but Celestia swore she saw amusement flash behind Anon's dark eyes.
  6717. "How I wish you would speak," the alicorn whispered, nuzzling up under the stallion's chin. "Not only so that you could help us find the one who dared brand you, but also so that I could get to know you."
  6718. >The giant's tail flicks and Celestia feels it intertwining wish her own ethereal one, bringing a blush to her cheeks.
  6719. "I've no doubt of the inner beauty that'd be revealed by your words."
  6720. >It would surpass that of his outward appearance, the princess was sure, as hard as such a thing was to imagine.
  6721. >Celestia felt the impatient nudging of the moon against her sun and frowned.
  6722. >It would seem Luna was eager for her dominion to fall over the land, and an hour early, no less.
  6723. >Though agitated, Celestia could understand; the giant often slept through the night, and Luna wished to spent as much time as she could with the stallion before he began to rest
  6730. >>Anon ends up in this world.
  6731. >>Notable because he doesnt have a dæmon, or is a dæmon without a pony.
  6732. >Either way would have interesting dynamics.
  6734. >Anon poofs innaquestria
  6735. >problems happen
  6736. >problems in the form of ponies genuinely thinking he isn't a person because he doesn't have a ghost doggo or something like that
  6737. >thankfully, tests of intelligence, spirituality and whole slew of other things were performed, and Anon is a 100% certified Sapient Being
  6738. >even makes sure to keep the papers proving that on him at all times
  6739. >but while ponies are more or less forced to treat him like a person, they are, unintentionally or otherwise, even harsher with the whole "gender role" thing with him because of his aforementioned lack of a spectral canine
  6745. >Boy goes off with Stygian and gets accidentally shoved into the void / realm between during a fit of DARKNESS.
  6746. >Kratos arrives late to the party and doesn't know what the fuck happened to his son or the Pillars.
  6747. >Roams equestria for 1000-ish years looking for clues and general monster slaying, pats Pony-Death on the head everytime she nervously asks if he wants to die yet.
  6748. >Fucked at least one mare who birthed Cadence because God of war being the sire of the Princess of Love is the type of ironic that Equestria runs on.
  6749. >Due to time fuckery between realms, Boy pops out of the same portal that the pillars banish the pony of shadows into
  6751. >Pony Death stops trying to get him to crossover and just latches on to him in his adventures every once and a while
  6752. >she still does her job regardless, considering who she's with
  6753. >becomes best buds with pinkie and atreus
  6759. Each spirit pet is symbolic of a trait of their owners.
  6760. >Angel is Fluttershy's desire to be confrontational
  6761. >Opal is Rarity's desire to be pampered and spoiled by others
  6762. >Winona is Apple Jack's desire to spend more time relaxing and playing around
  6763. >Tank is Rainbow's desire to slow down and take things easy
  6764. >Gummy is Pinkie's desire to not have to keep up with facts about everypony and just zone out every once in a while
  6765. >Owlowiscious is Twilight's desire to just spend the nights studying like she used to.
  6766. Anon's choice of pet will be steered by his soul, but his lack of desire for one throws everyone off.
  6767. Until he sees a poor, lonely, emaciated tomcat in an alley while Fluttershy is away with Treehugger, and takes pity on it.
  6774. >Anon in RGREqG
  6775. >Inexperienced in his previous life, Anon is easy bait for the teenaged girls desperate to get something long and hard stuffed inside of them
  6776. >One girl sees Anon's husbando potential and races against the clock to get to him before some background humans get their claws into his easily-tricked ass
  6782. >Sunset was the first one to figure out Anon comes from a world with normal gender roles, and how to take advantage of that to get into his pants.
  6783. >They’re both adults trapped in teenage bodies. They’re both strangers from other worlds.
  6784. >That gives them enough in common that Sunset is able to become Anon’s friend.
  6785. >From there she is able to subtly groom him into husband material without him even realizing what’s going on
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