j_000

Day 000:
The mission begins. But first, an admission: I didn't want this job at all. And the more I saw of VXI's offices, the worse the impression I got. Not that I had a good impression, to begin with -- given that 25 trainees are starting tomorrow, it's easy to see how awful turnover rates are in this account, a reflection of the absurd manpower churn in this industry. Exactly the anathema I avoided for the greater part of two years. Every saved job listing and application try is all to ensure I never needed to make or receive any more calls than I deemed necessary. But with the walls closing in, I took the low-hanging fruit. All to shut them up. All to survive until I have cash flow for one swap meet and convention. It was the worst way to shake everyone off, but it did enough.

Nothing about their positive reception changes the fact that this was the last choice. I never saw myself as a fit for this world, and participating in their hiring process made it abundantly clear. Almost all the other applicants are young -- younger than me -- with some tenure and much familiarity with how BPO offices work. Compared to them, I'm an old prospector who had to take up a normal job when I let the last well run dry. And unlike them, I will stroll down their offices at 1:00 pm carrying the baggage of a failed college stint, a look of total unpreparedness, and VX nerve gas. Behind me, a family I've come to hate, and people I've chosen to ignore.

And that's why I'm restarting the journal. The last thing I wanted was for the resentment fermenting in rotten oak barrels deep in my heart to turn into wine, served to both customers and colleagues with the detached disdain I've come to use. Here, I get to plot moves. Here, I get to talk mad shit. Here, I get to strip bare the rawest thoughts before they turn into action. Everything they never hear from me will be written here. Every secret I pick up will be locked behind these words.

My plan is simple: keep a low profile and sneak into production after the training period. Never pour in more effort than necessary, and step up only in select moments. Don't stand out unless they deem it. This way, I get to guarantee that I can game their system and get away with the minimum viable. I still get honest money, but I don't have to fret over it.

I'm still tired. The drowsy sort. And even on a better schedule, I'm not sure I'd love to keep working through the state I'm currently in. I try to think about what I can do with my salary. I puke. How damned is a man who has forgotten how to want things? And I find it hard to believe that anyone inside VXI can help me find that answer. But that must wait. Again. There's no time left for my mind to wander like this. I have three records left to process. I have six months before I lose my sanity completely. Only this gets to hear what I truly think.