10:55:37 Kamo: hey
10:55:58 Kamo: I don't really expect a reply, let alone a conversation
10:56:09 Kamo: I just need the distraction
10:56:20 Kamo: A target to help focus my mind if you will
10:57:08 Kamo: So I apologise in advance for spamming the fuck out of your messenger
10:57:26 Kamo: Just know that your inconvenience was not in vain
10:58:13 Kamo: I think I'm experiencing what you professional crazies call 'mixed-state'
10:58:30 Kamo: High-energy and low mood
10:58:53 Kamo: It's both infuriating and distracting
10:59:26 Kamo: It makes you want to dance like an animal to Adagio for Strings
10:59:37 Kamo: Whilst laughing and crying, without really understanding why.
11:00:51 Kamo: Balance has always been somewhat of a stranger, but you can learn to live without it, you can compensate and commiserate and contemplate the extremes
11:01:34 Kamo: Find solace in a sweet piece of music, meaning in the written works of some long dead and obscure author
Changed status to Available (11:01:37)
11:02:23 Abdullah Mia (abdullah_mia@hotmail.com): bloody hell, upon my return what a greeting!
11:02:47 Kamo: Or you can fuck like a beast, until you can't feel a thing, laugh hysterically until you can't breathe anymore, throw yourself into some short lived and completely aimless project which you will swear is your true and undying passion… at least for now
11:03:07 Kamo: But when you're in a mixed state, you tend to mix and match
11:03:12 Kamo: Hey.
11:04:54 Abdullah Mia (abdullah_mia@hotmail.com): If you could rap, and I dont think you can (:P) those things would make a good little song
11:04:55 Kamo: You can run a thousand marathons, you can write a collection of novels, you could plan an intrepid adventure across the Arctic Tundra or through the rain forests of the Amazon; all without breaking a sweat or missing a beat… But you don't, because what's the point in doing anything anymore?
11:07:31 Kamo: The ability to solve the worlds problems would be nothing more than an exercise in thinking, a feat that's no more mean than learning how to tie your laces; but why should I? Fuck the world and the people in it, let them scream and suffer and die and feel all of the things that I do, but in silence, inside your own mind. Let them stare, let them judge and let them be as scared and as hopeless and helpless as the rest of us.
11:07:41 Kamo: There's no salvation here.
11:07:46 Kamo: No hope or respite.
11:08:36 Kamo: We're just a collection of a atoms spinning around at 88,000mph on a piece of rock that's flying through space.
11:09:18 Abdullah Mia (abdullah_mia@hotmail.com): I'm currently at work, therefore like you said I dont need to respond, but what I want you to do, before you disappear to do something else, is copy and paste this whole thing into an email to me please
11:09:50 Kamo: Sure.
11:10:16 Abdullah Mia (abdullah_mia@hotmail.com): if you are willing, I would really value using this with some of the people I work with, I think they would benefit from your thoughts, and im not just saying this for effect, I think it would be far more beneficial to them than me sitting there trying to empathise and not really getting it
11:11:20 Kamo: Do with it as you please
11:11:36 Abdullah Mia (abdullah_mia@hotmail.com): its similar to a process called 'outside witness' thanks
11:14:22 Kamo: I have no idea if I want to scream until I'm coughing up blood or cry until I pass out.
11:15:16 Kamo: Ideas keep flittering around in my head and just like eye 'floaters' it's impossible to focus on one
11:15:31 Kamo: The harder you try the more impossible it becomes
11:15:48 Kamo: Not just ideas
11:15:51 Kamo: But emotions
11:16:25 Kamo: Grasping at nothing but spectres
11:17:46 Kamo: This is the side of bipolar that they don't talk to you about, that nobody warns you about
11:18:00 Kamo: Perhaps because it's so god damn inexplicable
11:18:27 Kamo: Snap in, snap out, can you even tell the difference anymore?
Changed status to Idle (11:18:54)
11:19:03 Kamo: Everything makes sense, but I don't understand a fucking thing
11:19:29 Kamo: Like a language in reverse
11:20:05 Kamo: Coffee.
Changed status to Available (11:21:58)
11:23:43 Kamo: And suddenly, there's quiet.
11:24:11 Kamo: Fuck Bipolar.
11:25:17 Kamo: If one was inclined to kill themselves, this would be the time that they would do it
11:25:49 Kamo: The perfect morbid combination of energy and hopelessness
11:27:18 Kamo: I find it amusing that there's a criterion for 'mixed-state'
11:27:50 Kamo: How does one determine whether you're experiencing dysphoric mania or agitated depression
11:28:22 Kamo: Are they not the twisted and deformed twin sides of a mangled and broken coin?
11:28:55 Kamo: They're one in the same thing
11:31:07 Kamo: My mind is a pesky and deviant fiend
11:31:29 Kamo: 'Maintain your composure'
11:31:33 Kamo: Keep calm
11:31:42 Kamo: Don't let them SEE, for fucks sake!
11:32:14 Kamo: We must remain reserved and normal and as acceptable and agreeable as possible
11:32:31 Kamo: Permission to lose it, most definitely denied.
11:32:59 Kamo: Go to your doctors and tell them all of the things that you think are happening
11:33:03 Kamo: Nobody will believe you.
11:33:11 Kamo: Because you don't believe you.
11:33:41 Kamo: You'll lie and smile and nod and lock your shit down
11:34:01 Kamo: And for a moment you'll feel better, you'll think you've been saved and helped and treated
11:34:11 Kamo: You leave with a sense of contentedness
11:34:31 Kamo: A perhaps a hint of embarrassment that you even had to go
11:34:47 Kamo: This is how it works
Changed status to Idle (11:35:23)
11:35:45 Kamo: You're damn fucking proud to show them how broken you are, too damn smart to let them see any kink in that armour and too damn stubborn to admit any of it
11:35:52 Kamo: This is how it wins
11:37:37 Kamo: It's no big thing
11:37:56 Kamo: You're coping, life is fine
11:38:03 Kamo: Because it says so
11:38:35 Kamo: If you can't listen and trust your own mind, then what?
11:39:41 Kamo: Sit there Keat, sit there and wait for the lightening to strike, for the break to come and for the clouds to part and the sun to shine down on your face and tell you that everything will be fine, that you were right all along. Sit there and wait.
11:39:55 Kamo: A month, a year, a decade, what's the difference?
11:40:06 Kamo: Everything changes but you stay the same
11:40:48 Kamo: So pathetic and ironic that the life you cling to so dearly hates you
11:42:52 Kamo: How arrogant and conceited it is to lecture others about their lack of understanding towards the world when you don't even understand yourself. This world is not yours, this existence wasn't made for you. You do not belong.
11:42:56 Kamo: But
11:43:05 Kamo: Here you stay.
11:43:41 Kamo: Alienated and full of angst like a fat, pimple-faced teenager at a disco
11:44:01 Kamo: Nobody wants you there, everyone is judging you
11:44:12 Kamo: Why don't you just leave and stop embarrassing yourself
11:44:25 Kamo: Oh
11:45:04 Kamo: Thinking that by remaining makes you somehow stronger?
11:45:10 Kamo: Stronger that who, than what?
11:45:38 Kamo: It doesn't make you stronger, it makes you more of a spectacle
11:45:57 Kamo: Perhaps you want them to see you
11:46:01 Kamo: so you can hate them back just as much
11:46:05 Kamo: Feed on that rage
11:46:13 Kamo: let it fill your heart and blacken your eyes
11:46:21 Kamo: It makes no difference
11:46:29 Kamo: You'll never do anything with it.
11:47:52 Kamo: You will remain, alienated and embarrassed, angry and alone in a room full of everything you can never be. You maintain your defiance, you keep your composure, you will remain.
11:48:23 Kamo: Is it because you'd rather witness life then participate?
11:48:52 Kamo: Too hard for you to place one chubby, stumpy foot in front of the other
11:49:11 Kamo: Without falling on your fat and grimacing face
Changed status to Available (11:49:31)
11:49:33 Kamo: Let them stare. Let them laugh and let them hate. It's fine, you will remain.
11:51:00 Kamo: Be an example of all the things you never became.
11:51:26 Kamo: The shining beacon of failure. You will remain.
11:51:42 Kamo: Like a lighthouse, warning others to keep away
11:51:45 Kamo: Do not follow me
11:51:54 Kamo: Do not do as I do
11:51:58 Kamo: Do not be as I am
11:52:25 Kamo: Look upon me and the life I never had and use it to become more than you ever dared imagine
11:52:51 Kamo: But we both know this isn't some noble, altruistic act
11:52:58 Kamo: But we'll make it look that way
11:53:29 Kamo: Maintain your composure.
11:53:32 Kamo: And remain.
11:54:35 Kamo: Nothing is permanent.
11:54:42 Kamo: This too shall pass
11:54:58 Kamo: Remain, not for the sake of warning, but for the sake of changing
Changed status to Idle (11:55:03)
11:55:16 Kamo: Do as others do
11:55:29 Kamo: Be as others are
11:55:47 Kamo: And then become more.
11:57:53 Kamo: Thank you.