ugh

Well. I need more info.
Dexexe1234 - I dag kl. 03:06
im stuck in a self applying loop of self hatred because tons of the things I have been hurt with in the past swirl as part of my personality and setup
I hate fat people, in general
I treat other fat people with respect because they are people
people deserve respect
I don't deserve respect because im not a person
im worthless
Other people value my art and it's one of the few sources of positive attention I have.
but im just tricking people into liking it because I know im a hackneyed fraud
no one should like my art, because im me
and im worthless
it all goes back to the black hole thats me
everything I am, I loathe
I hate it
I should fix it
I should think about something else
I should do something about my condition
but it's too hard
because im a fat useless idiot
so it reinforces itself
and im useless
and then I use it as a crutch and as explanation for why im worthless
and then thats just it
why try when im worthless
better just stop trying and kill myself
and thne I spend the rest of that day eyeing knives in the kitchen and other sharp things because my head is going "do it do it do it do it do it"
because I have spiralled that far down
because it makes sense to me
that no one would miss me
because im utterly worthless
civilCornball - I dag kl. 03:10
hey, if it helps, i'm fairly certain the afterlife is boring.
or the void of thought you end up in after your brain stops functioning, whatever it is to you
Dexexe1234 - I dag kl. 03:11
that doesnt help because rationally I want to live
I want to be rid of this fucking anxiety curse
DedededededeadDemons - I dag kl. 03:12
Now you should realize were loved even when you were at your lowest
Dexexe1234 - I dag kl. 03:13
I do realize that
I know people like it
like me
I know I have talent built through years of observation and practice
that i have a good head and that im not worthless
but knowing means jack shit to my emotions
they don't WANT to acknowledge it
and the constant grinding of the mental teeth, going "no fuck you im good at this, I need my energy for this"
back and forth and back and forth and back and forth
I cannot focus on anything othewr than that
but theres work
theres the psych and the social help
theres family and friends and landlords
things that constantly need attention
money
how im feeling
how im set up
things things things things things things
taking my energy
taking my willpower
the energy i Need to stay sane, to not fall into this anxiety pit of despair
and its too much
TOO MUICH
IM GOING INSANE FROM BALANCING IT ALL
it takes me hours to psych myself up to take a bath
because I need to take a bath to feel better / IM WORTHLESS AND SO IS THIS HUSK, NOTHING IS WORTH ANYTHING / Fuck you we need to be presentable to the world / NIHILISTIC TENDENCIES ARE A CRY FOR HELP BUT NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT YOU FUCKING IDIOT FUCK YOU FOR EVEN TRYING / but this is part of existing, its what needs to be done / DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH DEATH
and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on
with every
single
fucking
thing
so of course im always on 100%
im fighting inside constantly
the only respite, is grinding
turning the brain off and feeling those small numbers go up
an effort to feel okay
what a worthless person I am... For fighting so much for the simplest of problems