Dear Amie,

    As I sit here to write this letter, I want you to know one thing upfront: This is not me trying to get you back. At all. Please read this whenever you feel like it, or not if you don’t wish to. I do not need a reply from you, and for all I know you might just look at this and delete it, or skim through it to see if it hints at us being together again, and drop it there. It won’t.

    The reason I’m writing this to you is because I want to clear whatever there’s left to clear up between us, and I’ll begin and end with this, the only point I’ll try to make throughout this sometimes long-winded narrative: I’m sorry.

    I’m so sorry for every bad thing I did to you. This is not a cheap or an empty apology by any means, and if you think it is then I’m the one to blame for acting out in ways in times past that might make you think so. I’m so absolutely sorry for everything Amie, and not just because I lost you, although that does make me feel sorry quite a bit and has a lot to do with me feeling this sense of loss. I’m sorry I made you fear me, I’m sorry I made you cry so damn much and did nothing to help it. I’m sorry I didn’t learn what is an elementary lesson in relationships and did nothing, or if not nothing, not enough to amend it. I’m so sorry Amie, I am so sorry. I know I’m repeating myself and running on, but I want you to know that I really do feel this way. Completely and utterly and irrevocably.

    I did read Aaron’s email and as predicted, I did get mad at it, I’m not going to lie to you. But I read through it 3 or 4 times that night, and the message sank in then and that was when I called you. You may think this is a lie, that the message didn’t sink in, or I’m being a flop and tomorrow I’ll be angry at you, but I’d been thinking lately that it was mostly my fault anyway, and that letter just sealed the deal on it. I’m so sorry Amie. I’m so sorry it came to the point that after our relationship ended it was your friend who pointed out what went wrong, and I didn’t have the brains to figure it out myself.

    I take the entire blame for our relationship, and I must bear my responsibilities and realise that I lost the best thing in my life. Every moment when my brain’s not actively indulged in either work or a book or anything else, I think about you. From June 27, 2009 to September 6, 2010, the period of my life that stretched out was the happiest I’d ever been in. And I lost it. It slipped away from me. You slipped away from me and I didn’t have what it takes to catch you and haul you in. I’m not seeking any reassurance from you and please don’t think that I’m trying to re-create a romantic environment between us. I’m not. I’m simply mourning for love lost.

    I could’ve worked on the anger, but I didn’t. Or if I did, it was a case of too little, too late. I got jealous of little things that I could’ve let gone of and they catapulted me over to becoming more and more angry. Call them insecurities, call them demons, call it a low self-esteem, whatever it was Amie, I had it and still do, but to your credit, and only yours, a lot of it has been boosted through this relationship with you. For that, I thank you so much. And for what I didn’t work out on my own with an urgency that was warranted, I apologise. You do deserve someone better, and I just wasn’t able to step up and take care of things the way I should’ve.

    I know that the self depreciating tone I take with saying that you deserve someone better can be used as an evidence of those exact same insecurities, but I said what I did as fact, just like the fact that I love you and that I’ve never loved anyone more or that you were, and still are to be quite honest, the most important part of my life.

    Amie, I have a lot of regrets about this relationship, but they’re all about the way I acted towards you, and all involving my negative behaviour. Not for a single moment do I regret any joy we shared at all. You were the best thing to ever happen to me and I hold myself accountable for having messed this relationship up. For messing you up. For turning you into a person that you didn’t want to be and one that wasn’t beneficial to either me or you. I’m sorry that I deteriorated everything, and it burdens my conscience to think that I have any right to think that I wasn’t treated fairly in this relationship or this break-up. I realise that any unfairness that came my way was warranted, and that the majority of the time, you were the one who tried to patch things up, not me.

    I learned to love with you, Amie, and I learned the true definition of the word ‘love.’ You were my first love, and will always remain so. I made a lot of mistakes, and here I am, humbled in front of you. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want you back with me, but I know that I’m not the person you’d want to be with. Please, please, I’m not chasing you. I took heed of Aaron’s advice and I’m not, I’m just laying out my heart to you. I know now what I need to do and what I don’t need to do in the future to make sure that something like this never happens again, and the worst part is that I knew from day one of our problems and I did nothing to negate any bad actions towards you. I got lots of chances, a hell of a lot of them and I screwed every one of them up.

    I’m sorry Amie. I did everything I could do to make you happy and even though I think did a half-decent job of it, I know did a better job of making you sad. I hope in times to come you remember the good that we had and hold it accountable along with the bad, and try not to judge me too harshly, even though that’s exactly what I deserve.

    Please do take care of yourself and realise that should you ever need anything at all from me and think I might be of help, I’ll always be open to you. I’m not changing my number and my email’s the same, if you ever want to talk down the line just let me know how I can be of assistance. I won’t delude myself with false hopes of us getting back together, and I won’t even bother with the useless lie that I’m not going to get over this. I will, I’m a strong person, I will. But I’ll have my regrets towards the way I acted towards you, and hopefully this time I’ll have learned from my mistakes for the future to come. As I know you’ll get over everything as well; you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love you.

    This is by no means an empty letter from me, and not a cursory or even unwilling or lame or cheap or equivocated letter. I’ve tried my best to tell you that I take the full blame for everything, as I should. I’m utterly remorseful about everything Amie, and please believe me when I say this, I really and utterly am. You’re a great person and I wish you nothing but happiness in your life, you deserve nothing less. Ever. Again, I love you.

    Paras