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a guest Mar 19th, 2013 144 Never
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  1. If EA was Wal-Mart...
  3. Imagine a world, where EA took control over Wal-Mart. Let's try to imagine what a wonder would it be to come in such a store. Here we are, at the entrance. Two fully armed navy-seals politely ask you to take all your cloth off, including your underwear, and a prosthetic jaw, if you have it. While your cloth is being scanned by people of unknown moral standing, you are politely guided to the x-ray scanner by someone who keeps trying to touch your ass. Of course, they need to scan your bones to make sure you don't have any tools in you to prevent stealing Wal-Mart's goods! Just to be safe, though, security post will keep your cloth, until you leave the store.
  5. And now we are in. Ah! this store looks so much bigger on the outside! You see maybe 3-4 departments, yet the store takes 3 acres of land! Ah, it must be to store the cloth of all the people inside. Of well, let's look at the first department, Sporting goods. Not much has changed here since 15 years ago. Literally. They do repaint the whole department about every year. Unfortunately they just repaint all the goods too, so that football ball you saw when you were a kid.. Yep, it's the same ball, just withe about an inch think layer of paint on it.
  7. Let's move on to the gun department. Many different manufacturers provide various configurations of many different guns. Here, you can buy anything from a good ol' Smith&Wesson pistol, to a fully automated military grade AA-12 shotgun. Unfortunately, Wal-mart tries to prevent people to steal their guns, and clever wal-mart engineers decided that they should modify the guns, and have them use special ammunition that only wal-mart can make by mining unobtanium in the forests of Pandora. Every time an unobtanium round is fired, it sends a signal over the quantum link back to the Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is very pleased with their technology. Unfortunately they don't know yet that a 4 year old Jimmy spilled some water into their AA-12, and now it works just like any other AA-12 that is sold by not-wal-mart.
  9. Let's see what else? Ooo! Stationary! Tons of pens and papers, markers, and dry-erase boards. Anything a soul can wish to plan a project, weither it be a home remodeling, or a whole city! Unfortunately, just like with the gun department, Wal-Mart is very scared of people stealing their stationery. That's why janitor Kolya, periodically pees on all the items. See, Kolya was born in Soviet Union, close to Chernobyl, and his urine is radioactive, which allows Wal-Mart to track the location of all of it's stationery items. Or so Wal-Mart claims. In fact, Kolya is just a regular janitor, and you can wash off his urine with a regular paper-cloth.
  11. Come to think of it, we saw a few clothed people, with some water bottles... I wonder what are they doing here, and how did they get here? Oh well, it's time we leave. Wal-Mart's working hours are only 3am-4am so we have to hurry up. Everyone who isn't clear of Wal-Mart by 4am will not have their cloth returned. So hurry up! And enjoy your new goods from Wal-Mart!!!
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