N NEWS #3
Date: 12/19/2003 at 21:57
From: Mulisha
To  : Everyone
Subj: kids ask dumb questions...so heres what you tell em

Q: Where do babies come from
A: When 2 drunk, horny people get together, they have "fuck sessions",
which is also called "lovemaking". (Pull out the ol' blowup doll to
demonstrate, if this goes over their head).

Q: Where do pets go when they die
A: Same place your shit does. (Make flushing noises for effect)

Q: What do the firemen do if the 'firehouse' catches on fire?
A: They put it out. (Light childs eyebrows on fire and piss them out to
demonstrate)

Q: Why aren't dogs allowed in apartments?
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A: They piss and shit all over the floor, and it don't belong to us. And
if the landlord saw shit on his floor, we'd have to chop off the dogs
head and flush it down the toilet. (Has pretty good effect on child if
you just happen to be holding a butcher knife at the time of question,
to)

Q: Where does Santa live?
A: 48th and Broadway. You can easily spot him out, he's the obese
muthafucka in the red velour suit with a bunch of hoes standing in
single file behind him.

Q: Why? (in response to a command)
A: Cause I said so. (child will most likely start sniffling/whining. At
this point, boot them in the ass, preferably into a wall)

Q: Can I stay up past my bedtime?
A: Sure, but after 8:30, a little girl comes out of the TV and kills
anyone who's still up. (If they persist, do this...put in "The Ring" and
find the spot where the little girl comes out of the TV...then while
your child is watching TV, stand far away and use the remote to put on
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the movie. Bwuhaha. Insta-traumatize)

Q: How do I call 911
A: (Sigh dramatically, give them the "You're-on-crack" look)
9.1.fuckin.1 (smack them over the head)

Q: What'll the tooth fairy give me for my teeth
A: what the fuck would that hag want with your soon-to-decay piece of
shit tooth?

Q: Who invented (any random thing; electricity, TV, babies, etc)
A: Yo fuckin momma, how about that

Q: Can you buy this for me?
A: Let me see that (Pretend to check pricebag) NO!(throw object across
store) Ask me again and i'll kick your ass

Q: Can I sleep with you tonite
A: Do I look like R. Kelly? Find your own bed

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Heres a list of things child may say

1: I love you
Respond to this by saying, "You were a fucking accident, and noone could
possibly love you because you are a fucking retard. The only thing
you're good for is pole-polishing a catholic priest".

2: Whatd you get me for my birthday/christmas
If you happened to be a softy and got them a large present, pick it up
and beat them to death with it while screaming, "Heres your fucking
present!"

3: Im scared, hold me
Throw them across the room and shout "Get your fucking hands off me you
little pants-pisser!" This will turn them into mere sniffling piles of
silent tears.

4: This isn't fair/You're not fair
Smack your child over the head and say, "Bitch, you haven't seen the
half of unfairness. Dye yourself black and move to georgia."
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Childrens TV Programs and things to tell your child to prevent
corruption

Barney: Anything Barney says is a lie. He's really a cuban pimp in a
dinosaur costume, and he's gonna snatch all those kids on his show up
and sell them on the streets for crack. Thats why theres a new band of
kids every year or so.

Sesame Street: I've got a link to an mp3 of Kermit and Big Bird getting
stoned. Need I say more?

Dragon Tales: Dragons are Satanic figures that carry children into the
darkest depths of hell in their mouthes.

Teletubbies: Do I REALLY need to say anything about this?

Arthur: He's got rabies, thats why he can talk. Any animal that can talk
has rabies, and is prone to bite people.

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--Educational Shows for kids--
The following shows provide ALOT more education then PBS (Pussy Bitch
Showtiming)

WWE Raw
WWE Smackdown
Steve Harvey
The Hughley's
Fresh Prince
The Simpsons
Anything on Playboy
Anything on latenight Cinemax (after 12am)
ESPN Boxing


I hope I've helped you all on becoming better future parents. And if you
ignore all of my advice and try to raise your kid to be a "clean,
healthy, and behaved", I hope you get genital herpes you fucking
metrosexual.