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"Sexual Harassment for Dummies" by R. K. Pachauri

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Feb 25th, 2015
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  1.  
  2.  
  3. My LIFE ­ your good wishes have brought me safely home? Will ever your love bring me safely into my real home ­ your warm heart!3
  4.  
  5. My LIFE that briefly was! Sure. I shall try to suppress my human feelings, and live with a sad restraint on my words and actions. Never to make you uncomfortable or stressed on my account! :(
  6.  
  7. My LIFE ­ I get the sense that you get embarrassed when I say anything complimentary which is truly genuine and from the heart. Do please tell me if you would prefer that I stop doing so! :s
  8.  
  9. I mean it. I never want to make you uncomfortable even if it requires curbing my own instincts! O:)
  10.  
  11. I SHALL WITHDRAW
  12. Myriads of living beings and objects inanimate too
  13. Are attracted to others which compels them to traverse
  14. Unfathomable distances merging with those unknown or in their quest,
  15. Which is nature’s wondrous power moving the whole glorious universe.
  16. The essence of these verses is not a venture in astronomy,
  17. Nor is it driven by the stupid arrogance of trying to explain
  18. The movement of heavenly bodies in this infinite expanse of creation,
  19. Just a weak confession this is of my truth in Queen’s reign.
  20. And the nearest analogy I can uncover of somewhat similar attraction
  21. Is that of a moth around a candle and its tragic fate,
  22. Where the intense heat and fire are for the moth coldly destructive,
  23. But the fire that beckons me does my drab life magically rejuvenate!
  24. Never in the days bygone have I been inspired thus
  25. To give a girl joy and love rendered as a selfless offering
  26. But she is my queen, whose goodness and virtue are matched
  27. Only by her beauty, and in my soul she induces a sublime stirring.
  28. Hence, now I dream of her sweet and generous indulgence
  29. To let me love her in earnest for many years hence, I'll never expect
  30. Any regal gifts in return but only her love and care, and licence
  31. To let me love her with intensity unlimited and totally unchecked.
  32. And if her heart is faint and fails her soul my song to resonate
  33. Then I pledge to the heavens above that no girl shall I love any more;
  34. Never to smile again, the joy she bestows will I quell with perennial pain, And I shall into my shell for the rest of my days woefully withdraw!
  35.  
  36. I never thought I was so repulsive to you, and never in the past few days have I thought that you wouldn't believe me when I tell you that I love you! I never have lied and never will lie to you!
  37.  
  38.  
  39. OK, but please don't say I don't love you. That hurts very much, particularly when I have bared my heart to you, and you are aware of how every breath of mine has you at the centre.
  40.  
  41. And you think all this is frivolous. That is an unkind cut. And you need not feel responsible about sending me a message when you reach home. I am sorry for my actions. I shall be very very restrained now. I am not a cheap philanderer as you are trying to convey.
  42.  
  43.  
  44. And just to prove to you how much I love you, I shall go on a fast after the cricket match tomorrow. I will break the fast only when you tell me that you believe I love you with sincerity and unfathomable depth.
  45.  
  46. All right we have our respective perceptions which differ, and we can live with them and also let live. Perhaps some day you would know how sweet and sublime my feelings for you are! I shall not call off my fast till you fully believe that sacred truth.
  47.  
  48. All right! I've got the message. I wish you would see the difference between something tender and loving and something crass and vulgar. You obviously don't! So I shall slink away and withdraw! Farewell my sweet. But I insist on the fast just to hear you say that you believe I really love you!:(.
  49.  
  50. Besides I want to punish myself for alienating you!
  51.  
  52. And losing the most wonderful girl I've ever met!:(
  53.  
  54. I told you that bit that I can get over you, but will love you at the same time. You said love is big. I assure you it can't be bigger than what resides in my heart!3
  55.  
  56. I hope you're cool and far from nervewrecked! If it is any comfort at all I want to assure you that I love you in the most sublime, wholesome and genuine way. Never would I do anything to you or for you that you don't consider supremely beautiful!33
  57. I cannot live with the fact that you think so poorly of me!
  58.  
  59. Dearest, Have been up since 2 am. One thought has been bothering me, which of course may give you relief and comfort. I suddenly woke up to the feeling that I find it very difficult now to hug you. What haunts me are your words from the last time when you used the words that I “grabbed” your “body”. That would apply to someone who would want to molest you. I have loved you in soul, mind and heart, and your body is as sacred to me as your soul. Yes, I would love you physically, only because I love you in all the other aspects I have mentioned. I, therefore, have a mental block now, and would find it difficult to touch you except to kiss your hand. But perhaps that is just what you wanted. Still very much in love but from a distance. P”.
  60.  
  61. “You are rejecting my fervent offer to keep and nurture my heart! :( here I am sitting and chairing an IPCC meeting and surreptitiously sending you messages. I hope that tells you of my feelings for you ! *.*”.
  62.  
  63. SHE’S COLD
  64. Poor peasant am I, a grain of wheat each day
  65. Have I collected over the years, and stored lovingly to complete A bushel full, my life’s sole treasure; but it would weigh Light—the world measures it as just a bushel of wheat.
  66. But if love is tantamount to gold, my bushel is a treasure Which to whom this gift was made would richly value;
  67. And so, lovingly I thought would she in full measure,
  68. Since I gave her my life’s riches and my life too!
  69. All I seek in these arms outstretched is her touch, her fair face To rest on this shoulder, a whispered pledge perhaps as she offers That I may hold her forever in my warm embrace
  70. To exceed bullion from heaven for this poor man’s coffers.
  71. But she loves me not, a ship I am that she passes by, nothing to me she owes!She’s so cold! Unrequited stays my love and arms empty and bare!
  72. Yet in this poor man’s heart love for her incessantly grows;
  73. But she’s cold and for this love of mine she would never care.
  74.  
  75. ”Dearest Meri Jaan,
  76. I am with you through this period of healing from your injury. I am not going to cause any emotional or mental sense oof loss during this period, because as I told you physical repair is aided miraculously by a sense of mental and emotional well being, spiritual strength and an overall sense of determination. I am not going to cause any disruption in your wellbeing in these respects at this stage. But I am not convinced about your claims to having faith in me. You came to me at the loss of your earlier job as a measure of desperation. I am the head of the organization, and hence where else could you have gone to but me? How could that be a matter of faith when I was but a complete stranger to you? Faith should be in evidence only after you have come to know me. And even on the professional front, whether it happens or not you have decided to pursue your PhD. Elsewhere. If you had faith you would have said “I have to do my doctorate with this man, because I have full faith in him and in the advice he is giving me.” In the context of your injury, what faith have you shown in me. You have been going to the gym against my explicit advice. You took ages to go to an orthopaedic doctor, who I am not sure even examined you properly. The first thing he should have done is to xray your neck and vertebrae. I asked you if he had after you told me you had been to him. I had to take you to Suchita literally screaming and kicking, inspite of the fact that I had been telling you for days that should come with me to that clinic.
  77. On the emotional front you say that an emotional attachment makes you weak. Does that show faith in me? If you had faith on me would you not have felt stronger on this account. I give very little of myself to several others, and they only emerge stronger on this account. Ask them! They are all around you. As far as you are concerned I have held nothing back. I have bared everything before you, and am prepared to give you my life, literally. If you really appreciated the kind of person I am, and had any grain of faith you would not have been afraid of any emotional involvement, because it would have given you a warmth within and a sense of strength and security. Even you must know that even if I don’t marry you, I am yours for life, and irrespective of what happens in our lives I would remain totally devoted to you and will always be yours, even when someone else enters your life.
  78. And you have hurt me so often by being inconsistently cold on so many occasions. Not letting me touch you, even though I have always treated your body with reverence and as sacred. Perhaps, you regard a physical relationship as a matter of expediency and convenience. Well I don’t, and certainly not with your body which I worship, as you should have found out by not. Even when I “grabbed you body” I had my left hand over your right breast. Did I make even the slightest attempt to hold it in my hand or fondle you there?
  79. You are right, PNT has several grounds where he can land. There are several girls who have made advances towards me. One of them I even ran into even in Warsaw this Monday, but I told you I am not a promiscuous person, and when I am so deeply in love with the most wonderful (even though obstinate and cold) girl in the whole world, why should I go and land somewhere else? But if I have no place in your heart, as you are telling me, I will just go away from you, with no destination in mind. I will see what fate brings next. I would not like myself going for someone on the recound because that would be so very unfair to her also.
  80. Iam truly heartbroken and very very sad, but I will stay around for a while. And I will hold your hand and kiss it, even though that is so repulsive to you. Perhaps some day you would appreciate the wealth of emotion behind that gesture of mine. But at this stage it may be too late, because PNT would have flown away into the wilderness, not necessarily to a fertile pasture. Its 4:30 am now, and I should get a couple of hours of sleep. Around you for now, but not for long, and still deeply in love PNT”.
  81.  
  82. It's not easy for me. A university gives you no support staff at all. I am able to do so much in a day only because I have excellent people in my office. I have trained them to work with me. But now that I know that you have some tender feelings towards me, whatever they are, I have to be concerned about your happiness. You are now truly mine. Anyway, I shall hold off the decision till next Saturday, when I will discuss everything with you. How I pray you would be fine by then!
  83.  
  84. My LIFE ­ your good wishes have brought me safely home? Will ever your love bring me safely into my real home ­ your warm heart!3
  85.  
  86. My LIFE that briefly was! Sure. I shall try to suppress my human feelings, and live with a sad restraint on my words and actions. Never to make you uncomfortable or stressed on my account! :(
  87.  
  88. My LIFE ­ I get the sense that you get embarrassed when I say anything complimentary which is truly genuine and from the heart. Do please tell me if you would prefer that I stop doing so! :s
  89.  
  90. I mean it. I never want to make you uncomfortable even if it requires curbing my own instincts! O:)
  91.  
  92.  
  93. I SHALL WITHDRAW
  94. Myriads of living beings and objects inanimate too
  95. Are attracted to others which compels them to traverse
  96. Unfathomable distances merging with those unknown or in their quest,
  97. Which is nature’s wondrous power moving the whole glorious universe.
  98. The essence of these verses is not a venture in astronomy,
  99. Nor is it driven by the stupid arrogance of trying to explain
  100. The movement of heavenly bodies in this infinite expanse of creation,
  101. Just a weak confession this is of my truth in Queen’s reign.
  102. And the nearest analogy I can uncover of somewhat similar attraction
  103. Is that of a moth around a candle and its tragic fate,
  104. Where the intense heat and fire are for the moth coldly destructive,
  105. But the fire that beckons me does my drab life magically rejuvenate!
  106. Never in the days bygone have I been inspired thus
  107. To give a girl joy and love rendered as a selfless offering
  108. But she is my queen, whose goodness and virtue are matched
  109. Only by her beauty, and in my soul she induces a sublime stirring.
  110. Hence, now I dream of her sweet and generous indulgence
  111. To let me love her in earnest for many years hence, I'll never expect
  112. Any regal gifts in return but only her love and care, and licence
  113. To let me love her with intensity unlimited and totally unchecked.
  114. And if her heart is faint and fails her soul my song to resonate
  115. Then I pledge to the heavens above that no girl shall I love any more;
  116. Never to smile again, the joy she bestows will I quell with perennial pain, And I shall into my shell for the rest of my days woefully withdraw!
  117.  
  118. I never thought I was so repulsive to you, and never in the past few days have I thought that you wouldn't believe me when I tell you that I love you! I never have lied and never will lie to you!
  119.  
  120. OK, but please don't say I don't love you. That hurts very much, particularly when I have bared my heart to you, and you are aware of how every breath of mine has you at the centre.
  121. SMS sent by Me on 01­10­2013 at 09:56 pm
  122. Forgive me for saying so but Love isnt frivolous. I did think you may have had or have feelings which just state that you like me but love is something big. Anyway, as my responsibility I will msg you when I reach home.
  123.  
  124. And you think all this is frivolous. That is an unkind cut. And you need not feel responsible about sending me a message when you reach home. I am sorry for my actions. I shall be very very restrained now. I am not a cheap philanderer as you are trying to convey.
  125.  
  126. And just to prove to you how much I love you, I shall go on a fast after the cricket match tomorrow. I will break the fast only when you tell me that you believe I love you with sincerity and unfathomable depth.
  127.  
  128. All right we have our respective perceptions which differ, and we can live with them and also let live. Perhaps some day you would know how sweet and sublime my feelings for you are! I shall not call off my fast till you fully believe that sacred truth.
  129.  
  130. All right! I've got the message. I wish you would see the difference between something tender and loving and something crass and vulgar. You obviously don't! So I shall slink away and withdraw! Farewell my sweet. But I insist on the fast just to hear you say that you believe I really love you!:(.
  131.  
  132. Besides I want to punish myself for alienating you!
  133.  
  134. And losing the most wonderful girl I've ever met!:(
  135.  
  136. I told you that bit that I can get over you, but will love you at the same time. You said love is big. I assure you it can't be bigger than what resides in my heart!3
  137.  
  138. I hope you're cool and far from nervewrecked! If it is any comfort at all I want to assure you that I love you in the most sublime, wholesome and genuine way. Never would I do anything to you or for you that you don't consider supremely beautiful!33
  139. I cannot live with the fact that you think so poorly of me!
  140.  
  141. Dearest, Have been up since 2 am. One thought has been bothering me, which of course may give you relief and comfort. I suddenly woke up to the feeling that I find it very difficult now to hug you. What haunts me are your words from the last time when you used the words that I “grabbed” your “body”. That would apply to someone who would want to molest you. I have loved you in soul, mind and heart, and your body is as sacred to me as your soul. Yes, I would love you physically, only because I love you in all the other aspects I have mentioned. I, therefore, have a mental block now, and would find it difficult to touch you except to kiss your hand. But perhaps that is just what you wanted. Still very much in love but from a distance. P”.
  142.  
  143. “You are rejecting my fervent offer to keep and nurture my heart! :( here I am sitting and chairing an IPCC meeting and surreptitiously sending you messages. I hope that tells you of my feelings for you ! *.*”.
  144.  
  145. SHE’S COLD
  146. Poor peasant am I, a grain of wheat each day
  147. Have I collected over the years, and stored lovingly to complete A bushel full, my life’s sole treasure; but it would weigh Light—the world measures it as just a bushel of wheat.
  148. But if love is tantamount to gold, my bushel is a treasure Which to whom this gift was made would richly value;
  149. And so, lovingly I thought would she in full measure,
  150. Since I gave her my life’s riches and my life too!
  151. All I seek in these arms outstretched is her touch, her fair face To rest on this shoulder, a whispered pledge perhaps as she offers That I may hold her forever in my warm embrace
  152. To exceed bullion from heaven for this poor man’s coffers.
  153. But she loves me not, a ship I am that she passes by, nothing to me she owes!She’s so cold! Unrequited stays my love and arms empty and bare!
  154. Yet in this poor man’s heart love for her incessantly grows;
  155. But she’s cold and for this love of mine she would never care.
  156.  
  157. ”Dearest Meri Jaan,
  158. I am with you through this period of healing from your injury. I am not going to cause any emotional or mental sense oof loss during this period, because as I told you physical repair is aided miraculously by a sense of mental and emotional well being, spiritual strength and an overall sense of determination. I am not going to cause any disruption in your wellbeing in these respects at this stage. But I am not convinced about your claims to having faith in me. You came to me at the loss of your earlier job as a measure of desperation. I am the head of the organization, and hence where else could you have gone to but me? How could that be a matter of faith when I was but a complete stranger to you? Faith should be in evidence only after you have come to know me. And even on the professional front, whether it happens or not you have decided to pursue your PhD. Elsewhere. If you had faith you would have said “I have to do my doctorate with this man, because I have full faith in him and in the advice he is giving me.” In the context of your injury, what faith have you shown in me. You have been going to the gym against my explicit advice. You took ages to go to an orthopaedic doctor, who I am not sure even examined you properly. The first thing he should have done is to xray your neck and vertebrae. I asked you if he had after you told me you had been to him. I had to take you to Suchita literally screaming and kicking, inspite of the fact that I had been telling you for days that should come with me to that clinic.
  159. On the emotional front you say that an emotional attachment makes you weak. Does that show faith in me? If you had faith on me would you not have felt stronger on this account. I give very little of myself to several others, and they only emerge stronger on this account. Ask them! They are all around you. As far as you are concerned I have held nothing back. I have bared everything before you, and am prepared to give you my life, literally. If you really appreciated the kind of person I am, and had any grain of faith you would not have been afraid of any emotional involvement, because it would have given you a warmth within and a sense of strength and security. Even you must know that even if I don’t marry you, I am yours for life, and irrespective of what happens in our lives I would remain totally devoted to you and will always be yours, even when someone else enters your life.
  160. And you have hurt me so often by being inconsistently cold on so many occasions. Not letting me touch you, even though I have always treated your body with reverence and as sacred. Perhaps, you regard a physical relationship as a matter of expediency and convenience. Well I don’t, and certainly not with your body which I worship, as you should have found out by not. Even when I “grabbed you body” I had my left hand over your right breast. Did I make even the slightest attempt to hold it in my hand or fondle you there?
  161. You are right, PNT has several grounds where he can land. There are several girls who have made advances towards me. One of them I even ran into even in Warsaw this Monday, but I told you I am not a promiscuous person, and when I am so deeply in love with the most wonderful (even though obstinate and cold) girl in the whole world, why should I go and land somewhere else? But if I have no place in your heart, as you are telling me, I will just go away from you, with no destination in mind. I will see what fate brings next. I would not like myself going for someone on the recound because that would be so very unfair to her also.
  162. Iam truly heartbroken and very very sad, but I will stay around for a while. And I will hold your hand and kiss it, even though that is so repulsive to you. Perhaps some day you would appreciate the wealth of emotion behind that gesture of mine. But at this stage it may be too late, because PNT would have flown away into the wilderness, not necessarily to a fertile pasture. Its 4:30 am now, and I should get a couple of hours of sleep. Around you for now, but not for long, and still deeply in love PNT”.
  163.  
  164. It's not easy for me. A university gives you no support staff at all. I am able to do so much in a day only because I have excellent people in my office. I have trained them to work with me. But now that I know that you have some tender feelings towards me, whatever they are, I have to be concerned about your happiness. You are now truly mine. Anyway, I shall hold off the decision till next Saturday, when I will discuss everything with you. How I pray you would be fine by then!
  165.  
  166.  
  167. Ummmm what tender feelings ? Isnt it normal to have respect and care towards people you work for, and people you consider deserving respect. I am no one to hold back on anything you wish to do for yourself. But id rather have you do so when driven by rationality.
  168.  
  169. That's the point. In your case what you call rationality will always dominate emotions. I will never in this life hear from you the words, "I love you". PNT has no choice but to settle for second best, and go away. Fate is giving me this chance because it wants to protect me, and remove a major distraction and source of confusion from your life.
  170.  
  171. You have this unique ability to send me on a high and then quickly having me crash on terra firma. Of course, you've never led me up the garden path. All of this is perhaps all of my own making. And perhaps I need to go away somewhere to a place where I don't have my feelings reach out for the stars, a place where I am not plagueing your existence either!
  172.  
  173. Dearest Meri Jaan,
  174. I responded to your sms, but space was not adequate for me to say all I wanted to. I want you to know that I think the world of you, and I would never be moved as I am if you had just a pretty face. You have a stimulating mind and a soul that glows. Most importantly, you as a personality are so much in tune with me. You grant me the concession of saying that you enjoy chatting with me. Why? Well, only because we have such a wonderful chemistry and compatibility between us.
  175. I will not and never can do anything for you. But due to the strong affinity we have between us, all I have to do is to hold a mirror before you, and you will see yourself and do all I myself would have expected of you. Yes, I do know that I am in possession of that unique mirror that is designed specially for you, and you do sense and value my expectations of you. In other words, we are beautifully matched for each other. But that is when your rationality comes in. I don't get nasty to you, but you do towards me, because you feel there is something wrong with any emotional involvement between us. You ignore and denigrate the fact that this could be a gift from above.
  176. Well, I cannot do anything about your attitude towards me. That is something for you to determine entirely. But just remember, I can never be anything but nice to you. If you are cold towards me as your rational self often is, I may just go away, but my spirit would be destroyed, my tears will flow incessantly, and I will continue to long for you. And if you are nice to me, and love me even just a little, I will rise far above myself, and bring joy to every minute of your life that you have never ever imagined. I know I have it within me to do that, and you occupy a place in my heart and my whole life to be able to inspire me to do that.
  177. Well, that's all for now!
  178. Forever yours
  179. PNT
  180.  
  181. May you get what you are after. Just remember there is a price attached to everything. If you become a self­centered robot or automaton, you also lose something, often the most beautiful part of living. But if that's the choice you've made, more power to you!
  182.  
  183. Fine. I accept that, but I can give you a thousand instances of where you don't even display simple human graces. And, I am not talking about reciprocating love. Whatever it is that has made you so, it is obvious that you are self­centered. What is sad is the fact that this is not the real you. Anyway, I was always under the illusion that your innate self will prevail. Sadly that is not so, and I am not talking about you and me. If I have to settle for a girl without heart or soul, there are many around. And I don't believe in casual affairs, where you go to bed with someone, and just say "I like you". I am glad we've had this exchange today, because it clarifies a great deal.
  184.  
  185. I was just a nuisance for you, and my sublime feelings for you were so out of balance with what you felt about me. I was foolish to believe that my feelings of deep and genuine love would touch your heart as well. I never was driven by any physical desire, but you believed otherwise. That is my tragedy. I had to run away from you, and this opportunity seemed appropriate. Now I don't know if I'd have been happier even in the proximity of your frozen heart! At least I'd have been near you and with you!:(
  186.  
  187. I really should not have been surprised, but what you said on the flight only confirmed the truth that you are a person devoid of any feelings. For you to create an analogy between loving someone and Pakistan asking for Kashmir and then Himachal Pradesh only shows that for you loving someone is tantamount to escalating demands on the one you profess to love. I can tell clearly now that love is not in your way of thinking a condition in which the greatest joy comes from giving. I feel I have failed to convey and demonstrate this glorious fact to you. I presume under this definition even physical intimacy is a transactional act, in which both parties are taking something, where loving has no relevance and the act is totally bereft of the spirit of giving.
  188. In my stay in Sweden I was beginning to feel that perhaps I should have been more aggressive in getting out of the Yale deal. But perhaps it is best that I go, because you would make sure that these painful reminders of your attitude and values as well as your mechanical view of relationships between man and woman will come fast and furious after brief moments when you may even lapse into normal human behaviour, as was in evidence very briefly on the dance floor in the Gold Room.
  189.  
  190. Fine! Now onwards I shall expect nothing of you. You live in peace and I shall try to do the same.
  191.  
  192. LOVE SEQUESTERED
  193. A treasure locked away in exchequers opaque
  194. Pleases no eyes that would exult were it exposed and visibly bare,
  195. But there is delight in its worth and the pride of possession
  196. For those privileged to hold in it an exclusive share.
  197. But not so with love which like a blossom that thrives
  198. Only in the sun's warm rays and the glory of light;
  199. So, would any treasure chest be so fatally obscure
  200. To silently kill the loveliest of buds sequestered out of indulgent sight.
  201. But she has urged that my heart of any romance be forever purged,
  202. And I must transform my emotions to those of a friend sans gender
  203. Of the Plato variety through deep meditation; so advised this charming shrink,
  204. For me to only think but never feel, chaining evil Cupid in eternal surrender. No weakling am I, though heartbroken and shattered I did silently cry!
  205. But my love for her I've sequestered now, through a resolve heaven sent, Buried is it underground, and liberated I pray am I from the sad malady
  206. Of love unrequited; I've to be to her icy cold and supremely indifferent.
  207.  
  208. I appreciate this message. I am glad that you understand what I am going through. I took a decision towards change that in my sane moments I find totally inexplicable. I ask myself why am I doing this. And since I signed that damned contract on the 3rd of December, there have been times when things have seemed better between us ­­ the glass has indeed looked half full. And, I ask myself whether I shouldn't really stick around, and that even between us things might only get better and more beautiful. That is when you behave in a manner that induces me to feel that I should just go away, whatever the consequences. In general, I love the nice moments that we enjoy together. But is a little show of tenderness so difficult for you? At the end of a long day is it so alien to your nature to sit on the sofa next to me and hold my hand, and possibly even give me a hug? Or do you want to confirm to me that you are bereft of any emotion and the show of it, that you would just give me the gift of two minutes of your time, sitting at a distance like a complete stranger? And, perhaps I was much too insecure myself last night, thinking through the day that the kind of experience I have had in the past three days will perhaps never be available to me in the future!
  209. The pity is that even a minor show of emotion on your part is something that either doesn't come to you naturally, or you see it as a major manifestation of vulnerability on your part, and therefore something that should be avoided at all cost. You are either deliberately behaving in a manner that prevents you from getting closer to me ­­ two steps forward and three steps back ­­ or you are truly a cold individual, whose emotions are only aroused by a nice looking young guy who you can take to bed with you. The latter would mean that love for you is purely something that sprouts and culminates in bed. If that is who you are then I am better off getting away from you, come what may.
  210. E­mail sent by me dated 21.12.13
  211. I am sorry but you seem to be equating love for human emotions....what you are asking me for is totally between a couple and not just humans per say as a matter of compassion. I am no one to tell you to go away or stay, we are grown up adults for you to figure out what exactly should you be doing. I am not obligated to sit and hold your hand, is that why you had me come over? What is the big deal to simply chill and talk like normal people? I do like hanging out with you but at times the kind of stuff you throw at me just gets very difficult to absorb and leaves me very messed up in my head. My prerogative maybe whatever but not yours to judge. I don't judge you from the kind of stuff I get to hear so I shall appreciate if you were not to judge me so negatively without having any reason. I don't judge people, never do. Anyway, its time for breakfast. Shall see you downstairs in a bit.
  212.  
  213. AN ODE TO ****
  214. Such an ode no human has ever dared write to an angel from heaven,
  215. And as I start I wonder whether I’ll find words to rhyme with ****,
  216. But then I thought it was immaterial how her name was pronounced
  217. As long as I love her to eternity, for never in this life would I ever forsake her!
  218. Well, I took the easier route to match in verse words that rhyme
  219. With the way those rotten, unbathed Brits pronounce her name as ****,
  220. For it permits me to write that she has brought with her divine charms
  221. Matching the sweetness of what the gods in their heaven sip as a drink called nectar.
  222. The richness of her persona in a world with uni­dimensional attributes
  223. Fully transcends the ring and sound of a simple but profound name like ****,
  224. And her virtues are rare and varied, widely numerous and universally extensive,
  225. No scalar units convey the heavenly qualities she combines in a celestially devised vector. It took little time once she came into my life for me to realize That fate had brought me love beyond human imagination to share with my **** And she reciprocates some in a glass half full, and I pray that she empties it not soon, As I raise my hands upwards seeking a heavenly boon from my divine protector. For she should tarry just a while as that glass half full gets a bit fuller,
  226. With love added drop by drop by the pretty hands of the angel I love, my sweet ****, And if she empties that glass then my life would end and the world around me Would be blown to smithereens, and even she wouldn’t savour that tragic spectre.
  227. O God in heaven above, can she not just once say that she loves me a little?
  228. But perhaps the fear that lurks in that gradually warming heart of ****
  229. Is that she would be giving me too much; but does she not know now at least The fervor of my love, and unlike those dirty Brits just seeking sex, I really respect her?But in my life the lament lingers that she still sees me not worthy of her love, For there is too much fear and forbearance in the mind and heart of ****, So while rumours and gossip diminish her instincts and cause reluctance within, Truth and the glow of my sacred emotions, alas, fail to affect her!
  230. But I now have accepted that I shall love her even if she suppresses
  231. The noble sentiments that my soul engenders in the enlightened soul of ****, But within me there’s a voice which whispers that she is mine,
  232. And our lives will be linked together, blessed by the hands of a divine connector!
  233.  
  234. You know why I am truly upset. I extended my hand to you, and you thought I would infect you if you touched me. If you have no manifestation of tenderness or even a show of affection why waste your time time talking to me?
  235. Good. Let's just forget we ever knew each other. You are now just a colleague at TERI like anyone else. You need not strain yourself to give me anything. I want nothing from you.
  236. Fine. Let's call it quits. I cannot have anything to do with a girl whose every action is supported by her legal stands and is devoid of any tenderness.
  237. I
  238. I am not asking for love, Ma'am, because I know you cannot give that. I was only thinking of feminine tenderness. Perhaps you do not know what I'm talking about.
  239. Yes you should do that because that would not create strain or deviation from a path that you are comfortable with, Ma'am!
  240. And dont please tell me about love. I know more about it than you would ever care to find out.
  241. Who am I to forgive you? Parrots are there to amuse, not to forgive.
  242. And please dont tell me anything about love. It is something not produced by design, and it is certainly not a glandular phenomenon, which one unnleashes for a physical act with someone who looks sexy. Goodnight.
  243. This is all so very sad. Some day you will realise what you have lost.
  244.  
  245. CONTEMPT AND PITY
  246. An emptiness I see within the very core of me, and a parched vista ahead
  247. Where not a blade of grass does grow and the skies above are dreary and grey;
  248. Forever lost is my soul with the prospect foregone of abandonment and escape
  249. With not even death in the offing, which for a man without hope is the only way.
  250. When innocence and good deeds are ignored by a world callous and unfair
  251. Sentencing to death a man with a heart and mind rich in sentiment
  252. Then he welcomes the end, for it brings in its wake an outcome that’s known
  253. And the cessation of breath appears to him a beautiful blessing heaven sent.
  254. So it was that I had resolved to escape reality, that’s depressing and tearful,
  255. And leave the shores of my motherland for the bleak winds and snows of New Haven,
  256. And the same world that steals from me the joy elusive that seemed within reach
  257. Would label my escape as an act worthy of disdain, quite cowardly and craven.
  258. I see the glass half full, but its contents are only those of dry ice
  259. Never to melt and never to expand, such that the empty space will never fill
  260. Nor would it receive even another drop, with no hope that even on Mount Everest
  261. The shining sun brings as relief to him who stands on the pinnacle of alpine chill.
  262. And then who am I to impose on her youth and sweet exuberance a love
  263. That moves her not despite its glorious lustre that shall last to eternity?
  264. So I shall live on a parched expanse of days and years beyond, unloved and forlorn
  265. In a life that begets no love and deserves no love, worthy of just contempt and pity.
  266.  
  267. Meri Jaan,
  268. I just want you to know I earnestly crave for just a modest, or even subtle, show of tenderness from you. Whenever I ask you to give me just a little bit of love, even a thin coat of varnish on a vast expanse of crusty cynicism and light banter would speak volumes. You always ask me to focus on the glass half full. I accept that, but can you at least say that the glass is 100th full with a faint trace of love? In the absence of that I am left with the conclusion that I am merely your favourite piece of furniture or Parrot No. Three, or just a source of periodic amusement. I accept that reality at most times, but inevitably it hurts every so often and the pain keeps coming back to tell me that anything I have to offer you is really trivial and transitory. Am I asking too much? If so, then just say so, and I will live with the demons that haunt me so often, and try hard not to ask anything of you, difficult as that might be. But I know I can do that. I have accepted a lot of pain in life just as I have a lot of strength to bear it, even to the extent of accepting that the girl I love infinitely has not even an infinitesimal grain of feelings for me.
  269. Just dont worry. I am getting to accept that I will never ever get from you any words that are even close to sweetness or endearing. So be it.
  270. I dont think you will ever understand. So let's just forget it. The absence of rudeness is not equivalent to sweetness. But if such expressions are not natural to you then I should be elated at the news that it is nicer to have me around than for me to be away. Very heartwarming!
  271. Yes please dont worry. Maybe someday you would realise that if someone means something to you ­ even totally devoid of love, of course ­ then words of sweetness and endearment are a great boon and a source of happiness to the other person. But that desire has to come from within and from a fund of emotions. If a personality is devoid of emotions then there is no point in expecting pleasant expressions or cordial phrases.
  272.  
  273. “I am very very sorry, and I mean it. I promise you this will never happen again…”.
  274.  
  275. MY CLASSICAL INDIAN BEAUTY (SEE EYE BEE)
  276. She could be a Goddess on earth, descended from heaven to the Himalayas, Where many a saint and divine form took birth, but in disbelief I rub my eyes
  277. To nervously verify if she is just a dream suddenly to end leaving me desolate And in deep despair the moment this shattering truth my heart would realize.
  278. But no power on earth or above I am sure could possibly play on me a prank So cruel that one day when I did least expect dame fortune and Cupid to bless
  279. My life, when had I long ceased to expect any blossoms in a heart sadly bereft of any Green shoots or flowers in bloom, I’d be left with that empty expanse cold and loveless!But I know now that fate has smiled in truth, and I care not any more how long
  280. I would be showered with celestial joy in the days and nights ahead, as I tread
  281. Softly this meadow unknown thus far, but where I hold the beautiful hand
  282. Of an angel who walks with me along a vista which is brilliantly sunny ahead.
  283. And the darkness is gone giving place to an ecstasy divine as I sense the faint Stirring of love in the heart of my Classical Indian Beauty too, who’s cast a spell On my conscious senses and on the depth of this soul, and where she’s now lodged Forever to give me life with a nectar of love and a long lasting thirst to sweetly quell.
  284. Oh my Classical Indian Beauty, how I bask in the enchanting warmth of your smile Even as I ask which goddess are you, and why did you descend on earth for poor old me And would you linger a while so that with passion I too would a surfeit of love shower On you a blended with tenderness no mortal can ever provide you my lovely See Eye Bee!
  285. So just fill my arms with your beautiful form as I tell you gently in the petals of your ears How much I love you and how our souls are magically linked in a bond that would last I know till the oceans run dry and the sun vanishes to warm another planet, but it will still Warm our lives with brilliant sunshine even when the dark skies above are overcast.
  286. Well the truth is that I have never felt so overwhelmingly in love as I have been with you, and even though you gave me so much pain, I will always be your well wisher and carry beautiful memories of the joyous moments between us, limited as they might have been. 11:27pm, 6 Feb ­ ****: Tried calling u. Ur first meeting at 8.30 am tomorrow ie 07 Feb
  287. Meri Jaan ­­ I will hang in there! But when you can please be sweet to me. I love you with such ardour that when you are cold and unfeeling I am truly shattered good night
  288. That defines the problem. If you really cared for me you would be nice to me beyond reason!!!
  289. I will certainly not make the mistake of mixing up love with niceness in the face of your relentless (and persistent) onslaught against love that I have harboured for you. I have already stopped expressions of love. I fear love itself will be the next casualty, slipping alive into a grave that you have dug for it.
  290.  
  291. “…On the subject of sincerity and exclusivity, I think the next time we are alone together I would cut myself, and write in my own blood a pledge that I would provide sincerity and exclusivity to an extent that even you would not be able to anticipate and believe. I really do not know how else to convince you than to write such a pledge in my own blood… I find every gesture, every smile, every touch of yours as a boon from heaven. If I had even the faint semblance of a loving attitude from you to me, I would feel I have reached heaven. I am so helpless when you fail to see this truth in my words, my eyes and my actions. So maybe you will when I write a pledge in front of your eyes with my own blood…”.
  292. “I dreamt last night that I did the preliminaries of making love to you, but woke up at the critical moment”.
  293. From tomorrow you would see a very different person who will not plague your existence any more. This is absolutely final, and you may rejoice permanently!
  294. A word used on the strength of strong empirical evidence. Some day you may actually agree when you have to deal with nicer persons than me.
  295. There must be something strongly repulsive and evil about me, and I shall live with the reality that I appear to you in that light, and nothing will ever change that. I accept the inevitable.
  296. And you have no reason at all to be nice to me in any way. It is now all over.
  297. Yes because I have too many flaws in my thinking and I have a distorted personality. I mean it. If I can ruin something like this then there must be something terribly wrong with me. And your opinion of me had been going down rapidly.
  298. It is over now. There is nothing between us now. And I suppose I have to take full responsibility
  299. What is the point of dwelling on it now. I genuinely conclude that I do not deserve any attention from you any more other than what you give to anyone else you are working with.
  300. I will genuinely stop plaguing your exustence.
  301. I shall even keep my interaction with you in office to a minimum. I apologise profusely for causing you so much unhappiness. Please forgive me. Please.
  302. I am seeking your forgiveness. Will I ever receive it from you?
  303. I am apologizing genuinely, and you will see it in my behaviour now.
  304. Yes. Chuck it. It does not matter any more.
  305. You sleep. I cannot forgive myself for ruining something that I thought was so unique. And if you cant forgive me I would understand.
  306. Well you will not have to deal with it any more. Take my word ... for once.
  307. I wish right now I had no breath at all. I have made hell on earth. Why am I living?11:35pm, 19 Jun ­ ****: Come on. Please dont say that. Thats rubbish
  308. I am a rotten person. Just let me rot away somewhere far from you. So that you dont even feel the stink. 11:37pm, 19 Jun ­ ****: You are not a rotten person yaar
  309. I am disgusted with myself. I dont deserve any positive feelings from you. Never did. Just please forgive me so that at least I can stop crying. Please.
  310. Because I am evil and such a damned idiot. Please say you pardon me. Please say it.
  311. Thank you. And I promise you I will never bother you again. Ok good night.
  312. I shall write a poem now about the evil idiot. You go to sleep. For me now it is an unending night. You sleep well.
  313. Only for myself. You will never see it. Good night.
  314. Just completed an epic poem called EASI (Evil And Sinful Idiot). Can get an hour or so of sleep now. Thank you for opening my eyes to what an inferior and despicable human being I am. I fully deserve my fate of an unloved and uncelebrated rotter.
  315.  
  316. I would have preferred not to respond to your email. But what I will say is that you should reflect on the massive insult you heaped on me by indicating that I was so toxic that you would prefer not to sit next to me on the plane. If that be the case there is no room for any interaction between us. And that has nothing to do with "personal distaste". To me that act of yours represented the ultimate in haughtiness, arrogance and insulting behaviour. If you had any human sensitivity you would have realised what you have done, and possibly apologised.
  317. You are welcome to remain a paid guest of TERI. I really would not burden you with any work in future.
  318. And then you talk about being disappointed!
  319. And please do not respond to the message above. I think both of us have better things to do with our time than to exchange unpleasant correspondence. In any case I will be away for an extended period now, and would prefer to keep this insult away from my conscious thinking, and being reminded of it.
  320.  
  321. Since I really cannot assign any productive work to you in my office, I am thinking of moving you to your former Division, B and B. However, I will have to discuss that with Dr. Alok Adholeya. I just thought I would let you know.
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