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Dec 10th, 2018
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  1.  
  2. When i first joined ddfc, i was only there to laugh at my two friends. One of them you might recognise as PXRB. I won't lie, I joined to laugh at their passing interest at poetry. PXRB had made friends with someone who was pretending to be depressed and the entire situation seemed fitting enough to see for myself. After playing DDLC (and leaving a server i was active in) I ended up spending most of my time in other-classroom with people who are still active in this server today. That's nuts to me, like, holy shit. You guys have stayed together for a year. So many experiences, so many highs and lows, happiness and sadness, friendship and love. A whole year of experiences, and you're all still here together. That's not usual for friend groups and it's something to be proud of. I'm glad that you all found each other and have such supportive buddies. It's a wonderful picture to paint in your head; a community of people who've lost their original cause to remain together but are still so close. They don't hang with each other for ddlc or danganronpa or anything. They stay together because they want to be with each other. That's fucking, super sweet and makes me smile. I cant hold back tears when writing something like this because of how happy i am that all the people i cared so much about are still here and still being together.
  3.  
  4.  
  5.  
  6. But i've been missing from that picture for quite a while now. too long to be considered a part of it anymore. and when i was, all i did was abuse people. i would go against my own mods, and let people like nomura step all over me and the rules. i'd either be too harsh or too soft and i'd always feel hurt when someone would point it out. i guess i wasn't really cut out for ownership, so maybe that's why i grew to resent this place for a while. i felt so hated, so universally hated, that i stepped down and gave the position to monica. and it hurt.
  7.  
  8.  
  9.  
  10. and what hurt even more is how well she did. it validated everything i believed about myself. i felt so utterly worthless and pathetic compared to the brilliant new owner - who i was dating, that i felt like i had to come back and prove to everyone that i could still do it. and i did even worse this time. i ended up breaking up with monica, because of some internal issues we had. i'm sorry, monica, if you even read this.
  11.  
  12. not long after, fuji confessed to me. i felt so pressured to make fuji happy that i accepted, knowing the damage it might cause to their relationship with saag. i'm really sorry to you too, saag. please, if one of you could tell fuji i'm sorry, i'd really appreciate it.
  13.  
  14. then, while dating fuji, pooh confessed to me. this was the worst point of it all because everyone around me pressured me to be with pooh
  15.  
  16. even fuji
  17.  
  18. and i had no feelings for him. and i didnt want to keep the relationship up but the longer it went on the more i knew it would hurt. pooh is the person i'm most sorry too and i'll never forgive myself for leading him on.
  19.  
  20. then it just got worse and worse
  21.  
  22. i tried to be active, but there was a lot of fighting at the time and i was under a lot of pressure
  23.  
  24. if i made a decision that nomura didn't like, he would go to the "bunker server"
  25.  
  26. a lot of people would follow
  27.  
  28. i was afraid they wouldn't come back, so i complied
  29.  
  30. like allowing use of racist language.
  31.  
  32. i feel terrible about that.
  33.  
  34.  
  35.  
  36. and then we reach the end of my time as an owner
  37.  
  38. i was finally approached for my inactivity
  39.  
  40. told i did nothing but belittle everyone for liking danganronpa
  41.  
  42. and i felt so hurt that i just
  43.  
  44. gave the first person i saw owner and left
  45.  
  46.  
  47.  
  48. and then my era kind of.. ended
  49.  
  50.  
  51.  
  52. i know some things that happened
  53.  
  54.  
  55.  
  56. the stuff with nomura
  57.  
  58.  
  59.  
  60. the slot machine
  61.  
  62.  
  63.  
  64. ..that's about it, really.
  65.  
  66.  
  67.  
  68. i came back and asked for nickname perms, and then i did what i did before again like a fuckin stupid child.
  69.  
  70.  
  71.  
  72. and then, nothing, i disappeared.
  73.  
  74.  
  75.  
  76. i won't lie
  77.  
  78. every week or two i come and search my own name in the server to see if people still remember me and well
  79. its always bad
  80.  
  81. aeg hours became a thing
  82.  
  83. i was regarded as terrible
  84.  
  85. and i get why you did it too. i was awful. maybe i still am.
  86. i'll never know now because i had my second and third chances back in the day. more than that too, im probably chance number 6 or 7. it hurts a lot to type this, yknow? acknowledging your flaws as your last goodbye to all your former friends.
  87. but theres not much else to say..
  88.  
  89. i dont wanna finish writing this
  90. finishing writing this means accepting its all over. accepting that i did all those things and never made up for them
  91. but it hurts so much. so fucking much, to scroll back and see what people really think about me and what i really did back then.
  92. i dont want to say personal goodbies because it'll hurt too much, so i'm sorry for being a coward. i know i said i would wait but by the time you get this far i'll have left already.
  93.  
  94. so this is really it
  95.  
  96. my goodbye
  97.  
  98. tyler, you turned out to be a better owner than me in every way. thank you for making everyone happy.
  99.  
  100. if someone offered me another shot at being owner now, i'd probably take it.
  101. but
  102. if i was offered the chance to go back
  103.  
  104. if i turned back time, and had another shot..
  105.  
  106. i'd do it all the same way as before
  107. to never change a thing
  108. so you could all be happy together like you are today.
  109. thank you so much for making me who i am.
  110.  
  111. i'll never forget any of you
  112. youll be burned into the back of my mind
  113. more than any server
  114.  
  115. i love you. all of you.
  116. see ya, space cowboy.
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