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- (intro, untitled - or,) "dreams":
- a few weeks ago i remember waking up - it had to have been around 7 or 8 in the morning, something early - i woke up and saw my roommate staring at me. i don't know how long he had been standing there - it seemed like forever - like, i could feel his presence even before i woke up, i'm pretty sure that's why i awoke in the first place. so, anyway, i was awake, i think - it felt like i was still dreaming at the time - but i finally managed to ask him: what are you doing - standing there - all menacingly n shit?
- he told me i was talking in my sleep.
- [title sequence here; blaring noise optional]
- "name":
- my freshman year of college i decided to go by the name "max." i don't remember why exactly i chose this name in particular but i do know that i love short names - and alliteration - "max manner," that's the name i went by for a few months. i guess i wanted - at the time i wanted to seperate myself from my family - uh, so i wanted to be someone new. it wasn't until i had a class with a student who had also chosen to change their name to "max" - coincidentally - that i changed my mind - didn't want to seem like i was stealing their identity. it confuses people, now, because they aren't sure what to call me anymore. i might change my name again some day.
- "titles":
- people tend to disregard - uh, in my experience - in school - people disregard the importance of a title. i mean, students. the title of an essay typically appears to be an afterthought for most people but for me its the thing i think about most whenever i have to write. i'm a fan of gimmicks - spectacle - titles that entice rather than summarize. i wrote a paper once - uh, a long paper, ten pages, about being lgbt or something, but the first idea i had for it was to title it "them." it said absolutely nothing about the essay but at the same time meant something. one word. i love one-word titles - but i also love obnoxiously long ones. titles that have "or" in them - for example: "Dr. Strangelove, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb." these are typically saved for comedic effect, though. i haven't decided what to title this film yet.
- "identity":
- i didn't come out to my family about being gay until late 2019. we haven't talked about it since. at first it felt liberating; not having to keep that "secret" anymore - at first. but it didn't take long for me to become tired of myself - the identity - being "out of the closet." i had already spent so much time - of my life - being "straight." it was a performance, really - playing the part of a cis-gender, straight male - it was fun, really. [growing more erratic from now until the end] but now that that - now that that's over, i can't go back now - now that that's over, i'm bored. being oneself is boring, i - [abrupt stop]
- (unfinished) "thesis":
- i've never been good at writing a thesis. never. the idea of having to have a point still eludes me. i'm more of an abstract thinker - that sounds pretentious - [laughing] pretentious - but it's true. i don't think - uh, straightforward like that, i mean - i mean, okay: i don't - i have never written an essay from beginning to end - my thoughts are all a mess. jumbled. random ideas that i'm forced to piece together and somehow end up with a cohesive final product.
- "pride" or "purpose":
- i don't have a genuine answer as to why i'm "in college." i mean - i'm not here for a degree, i don't think - i'm not here because i have a particular outcome in mind. i'm just going with the flow - [laughing] i mean - i care about interpersonal relationships more than anything else. connections. i don't mind my grades as much as i do whether or not a particular professor likes me or not. it's better to be friendly with professors; that's what matters the most in life. my freshman year (for example), uh - essays - i had a hard time, writing certain papers, i didn't like what i was writing. personally. i would think to myself, well - what's worse? - turning in a shitty paper or not turning one in at all? - i'd choose the former. i deliberately chose to fail assignments over the [emphasis] possibility! of embarrassing myself. i failed two classes my freshman year.
- "identity deux":
- i didn't come out to my family until about late 2019. i had been out to a lot of people aside from my family until then, though - i had a high school english teacher - she was the first "adult" i'd ever told about myself. that was in 2017? i don't know. it felt nice, having a secret - felt special - felt like i was part of some secret society, truly. is that bad? to want to lie? to enjoy keeping secrets? probably. since i've been at college i've for-the-most-part been "out" about my identity; i mean, i don't exactly display it, i don't like talking about it much, but the vibe is there. ya'know. uh (- fuck, i forgot, uh -) oh - my roommate doesn't know, though. (he's a freshman. won't say his name now but for those who know - you know.) he's homophobic - (like, literally, has expressed homophobic views - he doesn't think the theatre building should be flying the rainbow flag. etcetera.) but - is this bad - i don't mind it, much. i get to pretend to be straight again. he talks about these things, gay people being against god, and i just nod my head. i feel bad for betraying myself - my identity - and basically the entire lgbt movement as a whole, but - i'm too tired to fight. sometimes it's liberating to admit that you're not a good person either.
- (unfinished) "catfish":
- when i was young - maybe fourteen through sixteen? - i lied about my age online. i had pretended to be older - to - entice older men. i had known i wasn't straight since i was around thirteen, and, in my area - and being so young - i didn't exactly have any opportunities to delve into homosexuality in-person. so i did it online - anyway - it's gross - can you be a reverse-pedophile? in essence i had openly allowed myself to be abused - i welcomed it - literally, [louder] literally asking for it. i don't think i can call myself a victim. sometimes i would go onto chat websites - this time, not lying about my age - and seek out grown men who wanted to fuck someone younger. wait - not pedophile - hebephile. the word is hebephile - ages eleven-to-fourteen, approximately. was i a reverse-hebephile? my friends - the people i've told about my childhood escapades - tell me it "wasn't my fault," but - i think it is. oh, god.
- "end":
- (unfinished) "all together":
- "sgt. pepper's" is overrated. don't get me wrong - i enjoy the beatles - for the most part - but, musically, "sgt. pepper" is kind-of weak. as a concept, though - the way it was put together - the cover art, the idea that this album isn't by the beatles at all but rather simply a recording of a "sgt. pepper's lonely hearts club band" concert - it's fascinating. i think it's interesting - this idea that, perhaps, the beatles wanted to distance their self from the beatles - you know, they didn't want to just BE the BEATLES. the white album, originally, i've heard, wasn't even meant to say "the beatles." i think it was John - it was John who wanted the album sleeve to be entirely white. no mention of the band in sight. i'm sure they had grown tired of being associated with this boy band - i'm sure that's part of the reason they eventually broke up. they all made better solo music, anyway.
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