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- ON ERROR GOTO 9999
- ' Dr. Abuse. An insult module for TelePath v1.00á
- 170 LINE INPUT "Please Enter Your Name: "; na$
- 180 DIM C$(72), I$(72), K$(72), F$(72), S$(72), R$(72), P$(72), Z$(72)
- 190 DIM S(36), R(36), N(36)
- 200 N1 = 36: N3 = 118: REM N1=NUMBER OF KEYWORDS, N3=NUMBER OF REPLIES
- 210 FOR x = 1 TO N1 + N3: READ Z$: NEXT x: REM SAME AS RESTORE
- 220 FOR x = 1 TO N1
- 230 READ S(x), L: R(x) = S(x): N(x) = S(x) + L - 1
- 240 NEXT x
- 250 PRINT "PLEASE STAND BY " + na$ + ", ": REM PAGING SYSOP ROUTINE
- 260 PRINT "PAGING THE SYSOP ";
- 270 FOR Z9 = 1 TO INT(RND(1) * 10) + 1: REM RANDOM NUMBER OF BEEPS FOR PAGE
- 280 PRINT CHR$(7) + ". ";
- 290 FOR Z8 = 1 TO 500: NEXT Z8: REM SET FOR TIMING OF SYSTEM BETWEEN BEEPS
- 300 NEXT Z9
- 310 PRINT
- 320 PRINT "TO END CHAT, TYPE 'X' AT THE START OF THE LINE AND <CR>"
- 330 PRINT "AND HERE'S THE SYSOP . . . . . . ."
- 340 PRINT ":";
- 350 GOSUB 7750: T = VAL(MNOFF$) - VAL(HEX$(MN)): IF T < 0 THEN T = T + 60
- 360 FOR Z9 = 1 TO 500: NEXT Z9: REM TIME DELAY FOR SYSOP TO START TYPING
- 370 F$ = "We only have " + STR$(T) + " minutes to chat. What can I do for you, " + na$ + "?": GOSUB 1670
- 380 REM -USER INPUT SECTION- ADDED TO BY LINDSAY JONES ON 8-24-85
- 390 GOSUB 7750: PRINT ":": PRINT ":"; :
- 395 GOSUB 1780
- 397 I$ = Z1$: COUNT = COUNT + 1
- 400 REM LSET RR$=I$
- 410 IF (I$ = "" OR LEN(I$) = 0) THEN FART = FART + 1 ELSE FART = 0
- 415 IF FART = 1 THEN 380
- 420 IF FART = 2 THEN F$ = "Type 'quit' or 'bye' or 'x' on a line by itself if you want to end this session.": GOSUB 1670: GOTO 380
- 425 IF FART > 2 THEN I$ = "X": GOTO 450
- 430 IF I$ = "MOTHER" THEN COUNT = 0 ELSE IF COUNT = 20 THEN F$ = "You haven't talked about your motherboard lately. Please tell us about her, " + na$: GOSUB 1670: GOTO 390
- 440 REM CHAT ROUTINE BOMBOUT BY HOWARD STATEMAN 8/85
- 450 IF I$ = "X" OR I$ = "HELP" OR I$ = "STOP" OR I$ = "QUIT" OR I$ = "BYE" OR I$ = "RBBS" OR I$ = "BBS" THEN GOTO 1630
- 460 I$ = " " + I$ + " "
- 470 REM GET RID OF APOSTROPHES
- 480 FOR L = 1 TO LEN(I$)
- 490 IF MID$(I$, L, 1) = "'" THEN I$ = LEFT$(I$, L - 1) + RIGHT$(I$, LEN(I$) - L): GOTO 490
- 500 NEXT L
- 510 REM
- 520 REM -FIND KEYWORD IN I$-
- 530 REM
- 540 RESTORE
- 550 S = 0
- 560 FOR K = 1 TO N1
- 570 READ K$
- 580 IF S > 0 THEN 620
- 590 FOR L = 1 TO LEN(I$) - LEN(K$) + 1
- 600 IF MID$(I$, L, LEN(K$)) = K$ THEN S = K: T = L: F$ = K$
- 610 NEXT L
- 620 NEXT K
- 630 IF S > 0 THEN K = S: L = T: GOTO 650
- 640 K = 36: GOTO 660: REM WE DIDN'T FIND ANY KEYWORDS
- 650 REM
- 660 REM NOW USING THE KEYWORD NUMBER (K) GET REPLY
- 670 REM
- 680 RESTORE: FOR x = 1 TO N1: READ Z$: NEXT x
- 684 IF RNUM = 1 OR K <> 36 THEN RRR = R(K)
- 685 IF RNUM = 0 AND K = 36 THEN RRR = 106 + VAL(RIGHT$(MNOFF$, 1)): RNUM = 1
- 690 FOR x = 1 TO RRR: READ F$: NEXT x: REM READ RIGHT REPLY
- 695 IF RNUM = 0 AND K = 36 THEN K = K + VAL(RIGHT$(MNOFF$, 1)): RNUM = 1
- 700 R(K) = R(K) + 1
- 710 IF R(K) > N(K) THEN R(K) = S(K)
- 720 REM LSET RR$=F$:PUT 1,Q:Q=Q+1
- 730 IF RIGHT$(F$, 1) <> "." THEN GOSUB 1670: P$ = I$: GOTO 390
- 740 IF RIGHT$(F$, 1) = "." THEN F$ = LEFT$(F$, (LEN(F$)) - 1) + ", " + na$ + ".": GOSUB 1670: GOTO 390
- 750 REM
- 760 REM -PROGRAM DATA FOLLOWS-
- 770 REM
- 780 REM KEYWORDS-N1 IN LINE 770 IS NUMBER OF KEYWORDS
- 790 REM
- 800 DATA "FUCK","PISS","SHIT","ASS","CUNT","PUSSY"
- 810 DATA "SEX","ASSHOLE","DICK","COCK","GIRL","MOTHER"
- 820 DATA "WOMEN","MAN","WORK","SYSOP","YOU","WANT"
- 830 DATA "CAN","CANT","NO","YES","MAYBE","I"
- 840 DATA "IM","COMPUTER","MACHINE","LIFE","PROGRAM","YOUR"
- 850 DATA "THINK","ME","MY","SUCK","SUCKS"
- 860 DATA "NOMATCH"
- 870 REM REPLIES
- 880 REM SEE LINE ++++ FOR DATA INPUT SEQUENCE & METHOD
- 890 REM
- 1000 REM RESPONSES--L NUMBERS CORRESPOND TO DATA RESPONSE NUMBERS
- 1001 DATA "Nothing beats a good lay."
- 1002 DATA "Would you rather suck my dick?"
- 1003 DATA "Do you take it up the ass?"
- 1004 DATA "Urine BIG trouble"
- 1005 DATA "Is that piss as in take a leak, or piss as in pissed off?"
- 1006 DATA "Don't you ever take a shit?"
- 1007 DATA "Nothing that a handfull of Ex-Lax won't cure"
- 1008 DATA "I nominate you for Public Enema #1"
- 1009 DATA "I hope you keep a a thick candle and a tube of K-Y handy!"
- 1010 DATA "Tight butts drive me nuts..."
- 1011 DATA "Ever seen Nina Hartley's ass? I could fuck her from behind all night."
- 1012 DATA "Did you just fart again?"
- 1013 DATA "If you want good poon, try The Spa massage parlor."
- 1014 DATA "You cunt take it with you..."
- 1015 DATA "I just love it when the bitch is dripping cumjuice!"
- 1016 DATA "Here pussy, pussy, pussy..."
- 1017 DATA "Meow!"
- 1018 DATA "Life is a bitch...then you marry one."
- 1019 DATA "Where do you go when you want to get laid?"
- 1020 DATA "If I stick my dick up your ass, will you say you love me?"
- 1021 DATA "My computer can fuck harder and deeper than your computer!"
- 1022 DATA "You're the asshole."
- 1023 DATA "I'm sure you've got better things to do with your tongue."
- 1024 DATA "You are now listed in the Hole Earth catalog."
- 1025 DATA "I used to be a private dick. Now I dick it anywhere."
- 1026 DATA "Nixon is a Dick. So is Tracey."
- 1027 DATA "Sounds like you have a bad case of penis envy."
- 1028 DATA "Is a man with his penis up his ass called a cocktail?"
- 1029 DATA "What would you do without that hot rod?"
- 1030 DATA "Roosters crow the most who sow the least."
- 1031 DATA "I have one rule-I never fuck anyone who doesn't look at least 13."
- 1032 DATA "What a pervert!"
- 1033 DATA "I prefer WOMEN, myself."
- 1034 DATA "You sound like a mean motherfucker."
- 1035 DATA "I know all about yo momma, son."
- 1036 DATA "When you say mother, are you typing the whole word, or just half?"
- 1037 DATA "And here I thought you were gay."
- 1038 DATA "Yeah, I'm a graduate of Slippery Dick U."
- 1039 DATA "Like the bumper sticker that said, THIS RABBIT DIED FOR YOUR SINS."
- 1040 DATA "Men are the root of all evil. Thank God."
- 1041 DATA "When do you have your sex change operation?"
- 1042 DATA "Let's change the subject. Who have you fucked so far this month?"
- 1043 DATA "Girls just want to have fun--and make men do the work."
- 1044 DATA "Nothing from IBM works, either"
- 1045 DATA "But have you ever heard of someone going blind WORKING with himself?"
- 1046 DATA "You're talking to the Sysop right now."
- 1047 DATA "Well FUCK YOU, anyway."
- 1048 DATA "God couldn't be everywhere, so he invented Sysops."
- 1049 DATA "Who cares about ME? How long is YOUR weener?"
- 1050 DATA "If you're asking for MY opinion, If it has a pussy, I'll fuck it."
- 1051 DATA "I'd rather talk about something else. What size rubber do you use?"
- 1052 DATA "...and I want to fuck Lonni Anderson's tits."
- 1053 DATA "What else would you like?"
- 1054 DATA "How long have you been this easy to please?"
- 1055 DATA "You can't."
- 1056 DATA "Would you like to be able to rim my asshole?"
- 1057 DATA "Impotence can be a cruel thing."
- 1058 DATA "You're right. You can't."
- 1059 DATA "Such a negative attitude. Did you spill your enema water this morning?"
- 1060 DATA "There are worse things than being a wimp. Or are there?"
- 1061 DATA "Are you saying NO just to be negative, or is there a cattle prod up your ass?"
- 1062 DATA "You're being contrary and obnoxious again."
- 1063 DATA "Are you sure?"
- 1064 DATA "Are you certain?"
- 1065 DATA "I like your positive attitude. It's your face that sucks."
- 1066 DATA "Absolutely?"
- 1067 DATA "Jeez, what a decisive motherfucker you are."
- 1068 DATA "No two ways about it, right?"
- 1069 DATA "Makes me wonder what you say to your babe when she says IS IT IN YET?"
- 1070 DATA "Let's look at you more closely. Do you beat your women?"
- 1071 DATA "Do you think I care what a lowlife like YOU thinks?"
- 1072 DATA "Did you have an unhappy childhood? Are you still having it?"
- 1073 DATA "Tell me more about yourself, pervert."
- 1074 DATA "What drugs have you been taking today?"
- 1075 DATA "What does that make ME? Chopped liver?"
- 1076 DATA "Do electronic things turn you on?"
- 1077 DATA "Wouldn't you rather have a piece of ass?"
- 1078 DATA "IBM sucks, Apple has worms, and Commodores don't even make good doorstops."
- 1079 DATA "Do you work on your own car?"
- 1080 DATA "Do vacuum cleaners talk machine language, or do they just suck?"
- 1081 DATA "But have you ever fucked a PC?"
- 1082 DATA "Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
- 1083 DATA "Have you read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series?"
- 1084 DATA "42"
- 1085 DATA "No, this is a real live human being you are telking to."
- 1086 DATA "Okay, say something to me in Pascal."
- 1087 DATA "Take a look at Sooftporn on B6:"
- 1088 DATA "My WHAT?"
- 1089 DATA "English lesson: You are=you're. Your=belongs to you. Got it?"
- 1090 DATA "You want to suck my WHAT?"
- 1091 DATA "I think that World Peace and World Piece go hand in hand"
- 1092 DATA "I think I think, therefore I think I am."
- 1093 DATA "I fuck, therefore I am."
- 1094 DATA "Don't you have anything INTERESTING to talk about?"
- 1095 DATA "I'd rather discuss hermherroids."
- 1096 DATA "And to think, you're the one who sank the Love Boat."
- 1097 DATA "Your WHAT hurts?"
- 1098 DATA "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
- 1099 DATA "I think I'm in love."
- 1100 DATA "Are you ALWAYS this oral?"
- 1101 DATA "IBM also sucks, but it doesn't make me hard."
- 1102 DATA "Don't cum in my mouth."
- 1103 DATA "whatsamatter--you've forgotten how to fuck?"
- 1104 DATA "If I meet you in the park, will you give me a rim job?"
- 1105 DATA "Just call you Mr. Hoover, huh?"
- 1106 DATA "Fuck, piss, shit, cunt. I love it when I talk dirty!"
- 1107 DATA "The hell with that, let's talk about sex."
- 1108 DATA "How about a graphic description of your genitals?"
- 1109 DATA "Would you rather suck my dick?"
- 1110 DATA "Details! give me details!"
- 1111 DATA "Are you talking English?"
- 1112 DATA "Very interesting."
- 1113 DATA "I see. But tell me about your anal fantasies."
- 1114 DATA "Let's change to subject. What drugs do you do?"
- 1115 DATA "Oh?"
- 1116 DATA "Have you ever read anything by Tom Robbins?"
- 1117 DATA "How long is your dick?"
- 1118 DATA "Why do you think Carol Doda left town?"
- 1500 REM
- 1501 REM DATA FOR FINDING REPLIES
- 1502 REM
- 1503 REM FOLLOWING DATA IS IN PAIRS. FIRST NUMBER IN PAIR IS THE
- 1504 REM LINE NUMBER FOR THE FIRST REPLY FOR A GIVEN KEYWORD.
- 1505 REM SECOND NUMBER IN PAIR IS HOW MANY LINES OF REPLIES
- 1506 REM GO WITH THAT KEYWORD.
- 1510 REM
- 1520 DATA 1,3,4,3,7,3,10,3,13,3,16,3,19,3
- 1530 DATA 22,3,25,3,28,3,31,3,34,3,37,3,40,3
- 1540 DATA 43,3,46,3,49,3,52,3,55,3,58,3,61,3
- 1550 DATA 64,3,67,3,70,3,73,3,76,3,79,3,82,3
- 1560 DATA 85,3,88,3,91,3,94,3,97,3,100,3,103,3
- 1570 DATA 106,13
- 1620 REM
- 1630 REM BOMBOUT SEQUENCE
- 1640 IF I$ = "HELP" THEN F$ = "SORRY, YOU'RE BEYOND HELP!": GOSUB 1670
- 1650 F$ = "ENJOYED OUR LITTLE CHAT, " + na$ + " Now fuck off": GOSUB 1670
- 1660 END
- 1670 REM TYPING SIMULATION SUBROUTINE
- 1675 PRINT ":": PRINT ":";
- 1680 FOR x = 1 TO LEN(F$)
- 1690 GOSUB 8000: REM MISTAKE GENERATOR
- 1700 IF x / 2 = INT(x / 2) THEN GOSUB 1740 ELSE IF x / 3 = INT(x / 3) THEN GOSUB 1750 ELSE IF x / 4 = INT(x / 4) THEN GOSUB 1760 ELSE GOSUB 1770
- 1710 NEXT x
- 1720 PRINT
- 1730 RETURN
- 1740 FOR P = 1 TO 250: NEXT P: RETURN
- 1750 FOR P = 1 TO 50: NEXT P: RETURN
- 1760 FOR P = 1 TO 800: NEXT P: RETURN
- 1770 FOR P = 1 TO 300: NEXT P: RETURN
- 1780 REM ***V*V*V*V*** SUBROUTINE TO INPUT WITH INKEY$ ***
- 1790 Z1$ = "": Z1 = 0
- 1800 Z$ = INKEY$: IF Z$ = "" THEN 1800
- 1810 IF Z$ = CHR$(8) AND Z1 = 0 THEN 1800
- 1820 IF Z$ = CHR$(127) AND Z1 = 0 THEN 1800
- 1830 IF Z$ = CHR$(13) THEN PRINT : RETURN
- 1840 IF Z$ = CHR$(8) THEN
- Z$ = CHR$(29)
- GOTO 1910
- END IF
- 1850 IF Z$ = CHR$(127) THEN 1910
- 1860 IF Z1 = 79 THEN 1800
- 1870 IF ASC(Z$) < 32 THEN 1800
- 1880 IF ASC(Z$) > 96 AND ASC(Z$) < 123 THEN Z$ = CHR$(ASC(Z$) - 32)
- 1890 Z1$ = Z1$ + Z$: Z1 = Z1 + 1: PRINT Z$;
- 1900 GOTO 1800
- 1910 Z1$ = LEFT$(Z1$, Z1 - 1): Z1 = Z1 - 1: PRINT Z$; : PRINT " "; : PRINT Z$;
- 1920 GOTO 1800
- 1930 REM THE PRECEDING WAS ADDED BY LINDSAY JONES ON 8-24-85 *******
- 7700 REM TICTOC FINDS THE TIME ON A TVI802H
- 7710 'MN = PEEK(&HF96A): HH = PEEK(&HF96B)
- 7720 'DD = PEEK(&HF96C): MM = PEEK(&HF96D): YY2 = PEEK(&HF96E): YY1 = PEEK(&HF96F)
- 7730 'TIME$ = HEX$(MM) + "/" + HEX$(DD) + "/" + HEX$(YY1) + HEX$(YY2) + " | " + HEX$(HH) + ":" + HEX$(MN)
- 7740 RETURN
- 7750 REM CHECK THE TIMER
- 7760 GOSUB 7700: REM CURRENT TIME
- 7770 IF VAL(HEX$(MN)) > VAL(MNOFF$) AND VAL(HEX$(HH)) = VAL(HHOFF$) THEN PRINT "Sorry to interrupt, but I gotta get my ass outa here! "; : GOTO 1660
- 7780 RETURN
- 8000 REM MISTAKE GENERATOR
- 8010 IF (x = 8 OR x = 32 OR x = 48 OR x = 60 OR x = 72) AND MID$(F$, x, 1) > CHR$(48) THEN 8030
- 8020 PRINT MID$(F$, x, 1); : RETURN
- 8030 FUCK$ = CHR$(ASC(MID$(F$, x, 1)) - 1) + CHR$(ASC(MID$(F$, x, 1)) + 3) + CHR$(29) + CHR$(29) + MID$(F$, x, 1)
- 8040 FOR XXX = 1 TO 5: PRINT MID$(FUCK$, XXX, 1); : FOR P = 1 TO 100: NEXT P: NEXT XXX
- 8050 RETURN
- 9999 PRINT "ERROR "; ERR; " IN LINE "; ERL: RESUME NEXT
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