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  1. ON ERROR GOTO 9999
  2. ' Dr. Abuse.  An insult module for TelePath v1.00á
  3.  
  4.  
  5.  
  6. 170 LINE INPUT "Please Enter Your Name: "; na$
  7.  
  8. 180 DIM C$(72), I$(72), K$(72), F$(72), S$(72), R$(72), P$(72), Z$(72)
  9. 190 DIM S(36), R(36), N(36)
  10. 200 N1 = 36: N3 = 118: REM N1=NUMBER OF KEYWORDS, N3=NUMBER OF REPLIES
  11. 210 FOR x = 1 TO N1 + N3: READ Z$: NEXT x: REM SAME AS RESTORE
  12. 220 FOR x = 1 TO N1
  13. 230 READ S(x), L: R(x) = S(x): N(x) = S(x) + L - 1
  14. 240 NEXT x
  15. 250 PRINT "PLEASE STAND BY " + na$ + ", ": REM PAGING SYSOP ROUTINE
  16. 260 PRINT "PAGING THE SYSOP ";
  17. 270 FOR Z9 = 1 TO INT(RND(1) * 10) + 1: REM RANDOM NUMBER OF BEEPS FOR PAGE
  18. 280 PRINT CHR$(7) + ". ";
  19. 290 FOR Z8 = 1 TO 500: NEXT Z8: REM SET FOR TIMING OF SYSTEM BETWEEN BEEPS
  20. 300 NEXT Z9
  21. 310 PRINT
  22. 320 PRINT "TO END CHAT, TYPE 'X' AT THE START OF THE LINE AND <CR>"
  23. 330 PRINT "AND HERE'S THE SYSOP . . . . . . ."
  24. 340 PRINT ":";
  25. 350 GOSUB 7750: T = VAL(MNOFF$) - VAL(HEX$(MN)): IF T < 0 THEN T = T + 60
  26. 360 FOR Z9 = 1 TO 500: NEXT Z9: REM TIME DELAY FOR SYSOP TO START TYPING
  27. 370 F$ = "We only have " + STR$(T) + " minutes to chat. What can I do for you, " + na$ + "?": GOSUB 1670
  28. 380 REM -USER INPUT SECTION- ADDED TO BY LINDSAY JONES ON 8-24-85
  29. 390 GOSUB 7750: PRINT ":": PRINT ":"; :
  30. 395 GOSUB 1780
  31. 397 I$ = Z1$: COUNT = COUNT + 1
  32. 400 REM LSET RR$=I$
  33. 410 IF (I$ = "" OR LEN(I$) = 0) THEN FART = FART + 1 ELSE FART = 0
  34. 415 IF FART = 1 THEN 380
  35. 420 IF FART = 2 THEN F$ = "Type 'quit' or 'bye' or 'x' on a line by itself if you want to end this session.": GOSUB 1670: GOTO 380
  36. 425 IF FART > 2 THEN I$ = "X": GOTO 450
  37. 430 IF I$ = "MOTHER" THEN COUNT = 0 ELSE IF COUNT = 20 THEN F$ = "You haven't talked about your motherboard lately. Please tell us about her, " + na$: GOSUB 1670: GOTO 390
  38. 440 REM CHAT ROUTINE BOMBOUT BY HOWARD STATEMAN 8/85
  39. 450 IF I$ = "X" OR I$ = "HELP" OR I$ = "STOP" OR I$ = "QUIT" OR I$ = "BYE" OR I$ = "RBBS" OR I$ = "BBS" THEN GOTO 1630
  40. 460 I$ = " " + I$ + " "
  41. 470 REM GET RID OF APOSTROPHES
  42. 480 FOR L = 1 TO LEN(I$)
  43. 490 IF MID$(I$, L, 1) = "'" THEN I$ = LEFT$(I$, L - 1) + RIGHT$(I$, LEN(I$) - L): GOTO 490
  44. 500 NEXT L
  45. 510 REM
  46. 520 REM -FIND KEYWORD IN I$-
  47. 530 REM
  48. 540 RESTORE
  49. 550 S = 0
  50. 560 FOR K = 1 TO N1
  51. 570 READ K$
  52. 580 IF S > 0 THEN 620
  53. 590 FOR L = 1 TO LEN(I$) - LEN(K$) + 1
  54. 600 IF MID$(I$, L, LEN(K$)) = K$ THEN S = K: T = L: F$ = K$
  55. 610 NEXT L
  56. 620 NEXT K
  57. 630 IF S > 0 THEN K = S: L = T: GOTO 650
  58. 640 K = 36: GOTO 660: REM  WE DIDN'T FIND ANY KEYWORDS
  59. 650 REM
  60. 660 REM NOW USING THE KEYWORD NUMBER (K) GET REPLY
  61. 670 REM
  62. 680 RESTORE: FOR x = 1 TO N1: READ Z$: NEXT x
  63. 684 IF RNUM = 1 OR K <> 36 THEN RRR = R(K)
  64. 685 IF RNUM = 0 AND K = 36 THEN RRR = 106 + VAL(RIGHT$(MNOFF$, 1)): RNUM = 1
  65. 690 FOR x = 1 TO RRR: READ F$: NEXT x: REM  READ RIGHT REPLY
  66. 695  IF RNUM = 0 AND K = 36 THEN K = K + VAL(RIGHT$(MNOFF$, 1)): RNUM = 1
  67. 700 R(K) = R(K) + 1
  68. 710 IF R(K) > N(K) THEN R(K) = S(K)
  69. 720 REM LSET RR$=F$:PUT 1,Q:Q=Q+1
  70. 730 IF RIGHT$(F$, 1) <> "." THEN GOSUB 1670: P$ = I$: GOTO 390
  71. 740 IF RIGHT$(F$, 1) = "." THEN F$ = LEFT$(F$, (LEN(F$)) - 1) + ", " + na$ + ".": GOSUB 1670: GOTO 390
  72. 750 REM
  73. 760 REM -PROGRAM DATA FOLLOWS-
  74. 770 REM
  75. 780 REM KEYWORDS-N1 IN LINE 770 IS NUMBER OF KEYWORDS
  76. 790 REM
  77. 800 DATA "FUCK","PISS","SHIT","ASS","CUNT","PUSSY"
  78. 810 DATA "SEX","ASSHOLE","DICK","COCK","GIRL","MOTHER"
  79. 820 DATA "WOMEN","MAN","WORK","SYSOP","YOU","WANT"
  80. 830 DATA "CAN","CANT","NO","YES","MAYBE","I"
  81. 840 DATA "IM","COMPUTER","MACHINE","LIFE","PROGRAM","YOUR"
  82. 850 DATA "THINK","ME","MY","SUCK","SUCKS"
  83. 860 DATA "NOMATCH"
  84. 870 REM REPLIES
  85. 880 REM SEE LINE ++++ FOR DATA INPUT SEQUENCE & METHOD
  86. 890 REM
  87. 1000 REM RESPONSES--L NUMBERS CORRESPOND TO DATA RESPONSE NUMBERS
  88. 1001 DATA "Nothing beats a good lay."
  89. 1002 DATA "Would you rather suck my dick?"
  90. 1003 DATA "Do you take it up the ass?"
  91. 1004 DATA "Urine BIG trouble"
  92. 1005 DATA "Is that piss as in take a leak, or piss as in pissed off?"
  93. 1006 DATA "Don't you ever take a shit?"
  94. 1007 DATA "Nothing that a handfull of Ex-Lax won't cure"
  95. 1008 DATA "I nominate you for Public Enema #1"
  96. 1009 DATA "I hope you keep a a thick candle and a tube of K-Y handy!"
  97. 1010 DATA "Tight butts drive me nuts..."
  98. 1011 DATA "Ever seen Nina Hartley's ass? I could fuck her from behind all night."
  99. 1012 DATA "Did you just fart again?"
  100. 1013 DATA "If you want good poon, try The Spa massage parlor."
  101. 1014 DATA "You cunt take it with you..."
  102. 1015 DATA "I just love it when the bitch is dripping cumjuice!"
  103. 1016 DATA "Here pussy, pussy, pussy..."
  104. 1017 DATA "Meow!"
  105. 1018 DATA "Life is a bitch...then you marry one."
  106. 1019 DATA "Where do you go when you want to get laid?"
  107. 1020 DATA "If I stick my dick up your ass, will you say you love me?"
  108. 1021 DATA "My computer can fuck harder and deeper than your computer!"
  109. 1022 DATA "You're the asshole."
  110. 1023 DATA "I'm sure you've got better things to do with your tongue."
  111. 1024 DATA "You are now listed in the Hole Earth catalog."
  112. 1025 DATA "I used to be a private dick. Now I dick it anywhere."
  113. 1026 DATA "Nixon is a Dick. So is Tracey."
  114. 1027 DATA "Sounds like you have a bad case of penis envy."
  115. 1028 DATA "Is a man with his penis up his ass called a cocktail?"
  116. 1029 DATA "What would you do without that hot rod?"
  117. 1030 DATA "Roosters crow the most who sow the least."
  118. 1031 DATA "I have one rule-I never fuck anyone who doesn't look at least 13."
  119. 1032 DATA "What a pervert!"
  120. 1033 DATA "I prefer WOMEN, myself."
  121. 1034 DATA "You sound like a mean motherfucker."
  122. 1035 DATA "I know all about yo momma, son."
  123. 1036 DATA "When you say mother, are you typing the whole word, or just half?"
  124. 1037 DATA "And here I thought you were gay."
  125. 1038 DATA "Yeah, I'm a graduate of Slippery Dick U."
  126. 1039 DATA "Like the bumper sticker that said, THIS RABBIT DIED FOR YOUR SINS."
  127. 1040 DATA "Men are the root of all evil. Thank God."
  128. 1041 DATA "When do you have your sex change operation?"
  129. 1042 DATA "Let's change the subject. Who have you fucked so far this month?"
  130. 1043 DATA "Girls just want to have fun--and make men do the work."
  131. 1044 DATA "Nothing from IBM works, either"
  132. 1045 DATA "But have you ever heard of someone going blind WORKING with himself?"
  133. 1046 DATA "You're talking to the Sysop right now."
  134. 1047 DATA "Well FUCK YOU, anyway."
  135. 1048 DATA "God couldn't be everywhere, so he invented Sysops."
  136. 1049 DATA "Who cares about ME? How long is YOUR weener?"
  137. 1050 DATA "If you're asking for MY opinion, If it has a pussy, I'll fuck it."
  138. 1051 DATA "I'd rather talk about something else. What size rubber do you use?"
  139. 1052 DATA "...and I want to fuck Lonni Anderson's tits."
  140. 1053 DATA "What else would you like?"
  141. 1054 DATA "How long have you been this easy to please?"
  142. 1055 DATA "You can't."
  143. 1056 DATA "Would you like to be able to rim my asshole?"
  144. 1057 DATA "Impotence can be a cruel thing."
  145. 1058 DATA "You're right. You can't."
  146. 1059 DATA "Such a negative attitude. Did you spill your enema water this morning?"
  147. 1060 DATA "There are worse things than being a wimp. Or are there?"
  148. 1061 DATA "Are you saying NO just to be negative, or is there a cattle prod up your ass?"
  149. 1062 DATA "You're being contrary and obnoxious again."
  150. 1063 DATA "Are you sure?"
  151. 1064 DATA "Are you certain?"
  152. 1065 DATA "I like your positive attitude. It's your face that sucks."
  153. 1066 DATA "Absolutely?"
  154. 1067 DATA "Jeez, what a decisive motherfucker you are."
  155. 1068 DATA "No two ways about it, right?"
  156. 1069 DATA "Makes me wonder what you say to your babe when she says IS IT IN YET?"
  157. 1070 DATA "Let's look at you more closely. Do you beat your women?"
  158. 1071 DATA "Do you think I care what a lowlife like YOU thinks?"
  159. 1072 DATA "Did you have an unhappy childhood? Are you still having it?"
  160. 1073 DATA "Tell me more about yourself, pervert."
  161. 1074 DATA "What drugs have you been taking today?"
  162. 1075 DATA "What does that make ME? Chopped liver?"
  163. 1076 DATA "Do electronic things turn you on?"
  164. 1077 DATA "Wouldn't you rather have a piece of ass?"
  165. 1078 DATA "IBM sucks, Apple has worms, and Commodores don't even make good doorstops."
  166. 1079 DATA "Do you work on your own car?"
  167. 1080 DATA "Do vacuum cleaners talk machine language, or do they just suck?"
  168. 1081 DATA "But have you ever fucked a PC?"
  169. 1082 DATA "Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it."
  170. 1083 DATA "Have you read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series?"
  171. 1084 DATA "42"
  172. 1085 DATA "No, this is a real live human being you are telking to."
  173. 1086 DATA "Okay, say something to me in Pascal."
  174. 1087 DATA "Take a look at Sooftporn on B6:"
  175. 1088 DATA "My WHAT?"
  176. 1089 DATA "English lesson: You are=you're. Your=belongs to you. Got it?"
  177. 1090 DATA "You want to suck my WHAT?"
  178. 1091 DATA "I think that World Peace and World Piece go hand in hand"
  179. 1092 DATA "I think I think, therefore I think I am."
  180. 1093 DATA "I fuck, therefore I am."
  181. 1094 DATA "Don't you have anything INTERESTING to talk about?"
  182. 1095 DATA "I'd rather discuss hermherroids."
  183. 1096 DATA "And to think, you're the one who sank the Love Boat."
  184. 1097 DATA "Your WHAT hurts?"
  185. 1098 DATA "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
  186. 1099 DATA "I think I'm in love."
  187. 1100 DATA "Are you ALWAYS this oral?"
  188. 1101 DATA "IBM also sucks, but it doesn't make me hard."
  189. 1102 DATA "Don't cum in my mouth."
  190. 1103 DATA "whatsamatter--you've forgotten how to fuck?"
  191. 1104 DATA "If I meet you in the park, will you give me a rim job?"
  192. 1105 DATA "Just call you Mr. Hoover, huh?"
  193. 1106 DATA "Fuck, piss, shit, cunt. I love it when I talk dirty!"
  194. 1107 DATA "The hell with that, let's talk about sex."
  195. 1108 DATA "How about a graphic description of your genitals?"
  196. 1109 DATA "Would you rather suck my dick?"
  197. 1110 DATA "Details! give me details!"
  198. 1111 DATA "Are you talking English?"
  199. 1112 DATA "Very interesting."
  200. 1113 DATA "I see. But tell me about your anal fantasies."
  201. 1114 DATA "Let's change to subject. What drugs do you do?"
  202. 1115 DATA "Oh?"
  203. 1116 DATA "Have you ever read anything by Tom Robbins?"
  204. 1117 DATA "How long is your dick?"
  205. 1118 DATA "Why do you think Carol Doda left town?"
  206. 1500 REM
  207. 1501 REM        DATA FOR FINDING REPLIES
  208. 1502 REM
  209. 1503 REM FOLLOWING DATA IS IN PAIRS. FIRST NUMBER IN PAIR IS THE
  210. 1504 REM LINE NUMBER FOR THE FIRST REPLY FOR A GIVEN KEYWORD.
  211. 1505 REM SECOND NUMBER IN PAIR IS HOW MANY LINES OF REPLIES
  212. 1506 REM GO WITH THAT KEYWORD.
  213. 1510 REM
  214. 1520 DATA 1,3,4,3,7,3,10,3,13,3,16,3,19,3
  215. 1530 DATA 22,3,25,3,28,3,31,3,34,3,37,3,40,3
  216. 1540 DATA 43,3,46,3,49,3,52,3,55,3,58,3,61,3
  217. 1550 DATA 64,3,67,3,70,3,73,3,76,3,79,3,82,3
  218. 1560 DATA 85,3,88,3,91,3,94,3,97,3,100,3,103,3
  219. 1570 DATA 106,13
  220. 1620 REM
  221. 1630 REM BOMBOUT SEQUENCE
  222. 1640 IF I$ = "HELP" THEN F$ = "SORRY, YOU'RE BEYOND HELP!": GOSUB 1670
  223. 1650 F$ = "ENJOYED OUR LITTLE CHAT, " + na$ + "  Now fuck off": GOSUB 1670
  224. 1660 END
  225. 1670 REM TYPING SIMULATION SUBROUTINE
  226. 1675 PRINT ":": PRINT ":";
  227. 1680 FOR x = 1 TO LEN(F$)
  228. 1690 GOSUB 8000: REM MISTAKE GENERATOR
  229. 1700 IF x / 2 = INT(x / 2) THEN GOSUB 1740 ELSE IF x / 3 = INT(x / 3) THEN GOSUB 1750 ELSE IF x / 4 = INT(x / 4) THEN GOSUB 1760 ELSE GOSUB 1770
  230. 1710 NEXT x
  231. 1720 PRINT
  232. 1730 RETURN
  233. 1740 FOR P = 1 TO 250: NEXT P: RETURN
  234. 1750 FOR P = 1 TO 50: NEXT P: RETURN
  235. 1760 FOR P = 1 TO 800: NEXT P: RETURN
  236. 1770 FOR P = 1 TO 300: NEXT P: RETURN
  237. 1780 REM ***V*V*V*V*** SUBROUTINE TO INPUT WITH INKEY$ ***
  238. 1790 Z1$ = "": Z1 = 0
  239. 1800 Z$ = INKEY$: IF Z$ = "" THEN 1800
  240. 1810 IF Z$ = CHR$(8) AND Z1 = 0 THEN 1800
  241. 1820 IF Z$ = CHR$(127) AND Z1 = 0 THEN 1800
  242. 1830 IF Z$ = CHR$(13) THEN PRINT : RETURN
  243. 1840 IF Z$ = CHR$(8) THEN
  244.         Z$ = CHR$(29)
  245.         GOTO 1910
  246.      END IF
  247.  
  248. 1850 IF Z$ = CHR$(127) THEN 1910
  249. 1860 IF Z1 = 79 THEN 1800
  250. 1870 IF ASC(Z$) < 32 THEN 1800
  251. 1880 IF ASC(Z$) > 96 AND ASC(Z$) < 123 THEN Z$ = CHR$(ASC(Z$) - 32)
  252. 1890 Z1$ = Z1$ + Z$: Z1 = Z1 + 1: PRINT Z$;
  253. 1900 GOTO 1800
  254. 1910 Z1$ = LEFT$(Z1$, Z1 - 1): Z1 = Z1 - 1: PRINT Z$; : PRINT " "; : PRINT Z$;
  255. 1920 GOTO 1800
  256. 1930 REM THE PRECEDING WAS ADDED BY LINDSAY JONES ON 8-24-85 *******
  257. 7700 REM TICTOC FINDS THE TIME ON A TVI802H
  258. 7710 'MN = PEEK(&HF96A): HH = PEEK(&HF96B)
  259. 7720 'DD = PEEK(&HF96C): MM = PEEK(&HF96D): YY2 = PEEK(&HF96E): YY1 = PEEK(&HF96F)
  260. 7730 'TIME$ = HEX$(MM) + "/" + HEX$(DD) + "/" + HEX$(YY1) + HEX$(YY2) + " | " + HEX$(HH) + ":" + HEX$(MN)
  261. 7740 RETURN
  262. 7750 REM CHECK THE TIMER
  263. 7760 GOSUB 7700: REM CURRENT TIME
  264. 7770 IF VAL(HEX$(MN)) > VAL(MNOFF$) AND VAL(HEX$(HH)) = VAL(HHOFF$) THEN PRINT "Sorry to interrupt, but I gotta get my ass outa here! "; : GOTO 1660
  265. 7780 RETURN
  266. 8000 REM MISTAKE GENERATOR
  267. 8010 IF (x = 8 OR x = 32 OR x = 48 OR x = 60 OR x = 72) AND MID$(F$, x, 1) > CHR$(48) THEN 8030
  268. 8020 PRINT MID$(F$, x, 1); : RETURN
  269. 8030 FUCK$ = CHR$(ASC(MID$(F$, x, 1)) - 1) + CHR$(ASC(MID$(F$, x, 1)) + 3) + CHR$(29) + CHR$(29) + MID$(F$, x, 1)
  270. 8040 FOR XXX = 1 TO 5: PRINT MID$(FUCK$, XXX, 1); : FOR P = 1 TO 100: NEXT P: NEXT XXX
  271. 8050 RETURN
  272. 9999 PRINT "ERROR "; ERR; " IN LINE "; ERL: RESUME NEXT
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