12:28:01 AM sargasm1: hey em
12:28:07 AM sargasm1: im sorry for the delay
12:29:51 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: hello
12:31:37 AM sargasm1: hello momma
12:31:38 AM sargasm1: how you
12:31:38 AM sargasm1: still not doing well?
12:31:43 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: no
12:33:47 AM sargasm1: im sorry em, i know its hard
12:34:00 AM sargasm1: you just gotta keep your head up and keep fighting
12:34:12 AM sargasm1: you have to have hope that one day you'll feel better
12:35:07 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i dont know how
12:35:10 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: hes all i think about
12:35:11 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: ever
12:35:44 AM sargasm1: its cause it happended so recently
12:36:02 AM sargasm1: i remember freshman year it was like december that i finally could get past zach
12:36:07 AM sargasm1: and like i hate zach em
12:36:11 AM sargasm1: but it still hurts
12:36:30 AM sargasm1: i know it hurts way bad cause he was your only everything but being afraid and stubborn wont help you
12:36:52 AM sargasm1: you need to move on with your life, you can still love him, some part of you probably always will
12:37:07 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: its not about being fucking stubborn on purpose i cant help or change how i feel
12:37:12 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i cant remove that love from my heart
12:37:13 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i cant
12:37:21 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: there is nothing i can do except hurt
12:37:44 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: and i dont want to talk about this any more.
12:38:09 AM sargasm1: fuck ok
12:38:10 AM sargasm1: whatever
12:38:28 AM sargasm1: sweet lord all im trying to do is help you
12:38:58 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: thats fine but telling me to 'get over it' doesnt change a goddamn thing
12:39:34 AM sargasm1: thats not what im saying
12:39:39 AM sargasm1: i dont know what to say anymore
12:39:46 AM sargasm1: ive told you the same shit over and over
12:39:56 AM sargasm1: and thats not helping so i tried changing my approach
12:40:02 AM sargasm1: what the fuck do you want me to do?
12:41:21 AM sargasm1: treating me like crap doesnt do anything but upset me
12:42:04 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: im not treating you like crap for fucks sake im just telling you whats on my mind and no its not fucking pretty. im at the lowest ive ever been in my life so im sorry if im not exactly polite.
12:42:09 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: there is nothing you can do about this.
12:42:10 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: nothing.
12:42:13 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: or me.
12:42:17 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: or anyone else.
12:42:27 AM sargasm1: then why fucking txt me and call me when im working asking me for help
12:42:39 AM sargasm1: and then when i try curse at me and tell me im not helping
12:42:46 AM sargasm1: thats not fair em
12:42:50 AM sargasm1: im trying its all i can do
12:43:08 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i have to suffer through this because the only boy ive loved decided he didnt want me any more. hes going on with his life like nothing is going on, and im fucking alone.
12:43:14 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i have no one to talk to about this
12:43:33 AM sargasm1: so don't treat the only person who is trying to help you so rudely when all im doing is trying
12:43:42 AM sargasm1: i dont know the right things to say
12:43:50 AM sargasm1: i can only tell you what im thinking or feeling
12:43:51 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: well like i said sorry if im not polite ive been fucking crying all day
12:44:20 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i dont know what else to do.
12:44:29 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: its like a piece of me has been literally ripped out.
12:44:32 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: its the lowest ive ever felt.
12:45:14 AM sargasm1: em trust me i know your feeling horrible
12:45:27 AM sargasm1: but what you have to understand is somethig words i say can't make you
12:45:34 AM sargasm1: you have to find it in yourself to keep going
12:45:41 AM sargasm1: no one can find that for you but you
12:45:52 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: yeah. i know. it doesnt make it any fucking easier.
12:45:53 AM sargasm1: and i don't mean like be ok, i mean like just fucking keep getting up
12:46:05 AM sargasm1: and keep breathing and keep doing what you can do to live
12:46:17 AM sargasm1: and eventually it'll slowly stop hurting
12:46:28 AM sargasm1: what i don't understand is you always tell me there were no problems
12:46:42 AM sargasm1: people just don't break up because there are no problems and everythings peachy
12:46:46 AM sargasm1: so understand this:
12:46:48 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i thought there wasnt. i guess i was a piece of shit.
12:47:08 AM sargasm1: you were not the problem, if you were happy. if you were ok and you loved him and i KNOW you did, then it wasnt you
12:47:15 AM sargasm1: and you cannot keep beating yourself up
12:47:23 AM sargasm1: you can give someone the wolrd and it won't be enough
12:47:29 AM sargasm1: this is marks fucking problem
12:47:34 AM sargasm1: its him its not you em
12:47:47 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i treated him like shit and i took him for granted all the time. every instance is playing and replaying in my head. and i want to fucking die
12:48:08 AM sargasm1: everyone can't be perfect
12:48:10 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i want my fucking boyfriend back. my best fucking friend
12:48:21 AM sargasm1: of course in 6 ucking years something is going to not be 100 % ok
12:48:41 AM sargasm1: what did you do to treat him like shit? you loved him, you did nice things for him and cared for him
12:48:46 AM sargasm1: thats all you can do for someone
12:48:50 AM sargasm1: you can'
12:49:01 AM sargasm1: t fix their problems or their personal issues
12:49:16 AM sargasm1: you might not have been perfect em but i know how hard you tried
12:49:22 AM sargasm1: so stop being mad at yourself
12:49:42 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i want him back more than anything in the world
12:49:44 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: just to talk to him
12:50:04 AM sargasm1: but what good would it do?
12:50:15 AM sargasm1: i know you thought everything was ok after the first time you broke up
12:50:21 AM sargasm1: but obviouslu it wasn't
12:50:34 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: yes thank you i know a year of my life was a fucking lie
12:50:51 AM sargasm1: i am not going to talk to you if you talk to me like that
12:51:14 AM sargasm1: im not trying to hurt you
12:51:33 AM sargasm1: unless you both change. unless things are different its not going to be ok
12:54:05 AM sargasm1: em there are tons of people in this world who love you
12:54:24 AM sargasm1: and there are thousands of other men
12:54:33 AM sargasm1: dont be afraid of the future, none of us know what will happen
12:54:42 AM sargasm1: you just can't give up before you find out
12:55:01 AM sargasm1: maybe it will just take mark a couple months to figure his shit out
12:55:18 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: you cant just say 'theres other people' because i didnt lose just a boyfriend
12:55:25 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i lost a best friend and his family, too
12:55:49 AM sargasm1: theres other men who could and will be your best friend
12:55:50 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i lost a huge piece of my life
12:55:53 AM sargasm1: who have families
12:56:02 AM sargasm1: oh my god emilee, honey people break up
12:56:03 AM sargasm1: this is life
12:56:07 AM sargasm1: shit fucking sucks
12:56:22 AM sargasm1: you can't go through life expecting never to have people break you
12:56:24 AM sargasm1: it happens
12:56:47 AM sargasm1: i know its going to take you a while to accept that
12:56:49 AM sargasm1: meanwhil
12:56:59 AM sargasm1: both fucking rory and kenny are telling me how much they like you
12:57:16 AM sargasm1: so don't think that everyone hates you and everything sucks and no one will ever be there for you
12:57:27 AM sargasm1: you and mark's relationship obviously had problems that you didn't talk about
12:57:33 AM sargasm1: i don't care, you don't have to
12:57:40 AM sargasm1: but you can make yourself a better one
12:57:48 AM sargasm1: either with him, or with someone else
12:57:54 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: if we had problems he never told me.
12:57:55 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: ever.
12:57:59 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i am not lying.
12:58:06 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i have no reason to.
12:58:10 AM sargasm1: i believe you
12:58:23 AM sargasm1: he's obviously the ones with the problems
12:58:31 AM sargasm1: you can't force him to do things
12:58:40 AM sargasm1: and i know its insanely fucking frustrating
12:58:51 AM sargasm1: cause your fine and you still love him just the same and everything
12:59:07 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: my feelings for him never changed
12:59:13 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: still havent
12:59:58 AM sargasm1: i know em, you have a wonderful heart
1:00:31 AM sargasm1: i feel like mark loves you. but he just doesnt know what the fuck right now, hes changed so much in so many ways
1:01:24 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i guess i dont know
1:01:44 AM sargasm1: i know em, its infuriating that you literally can't know
1:01:52 AM sargasm1: and you can't get a straight answer or a real answer
1:04:42 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: im sorry i just feel dead
1:04:50 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i was doing fine for a while and then i just cracked again
1:04:53 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i do not know what happened
1:05:18 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i feel like theres a huge hole inside me where he used to be
1:05:26 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: its the worst feeling ive ever had.
1:06:10 AM sargasm1: em im not mad at all
1:06:17 AM sargasm1: i love you so much i want to help you so bad
1:06:23 AM sargasm1: im just dumb im sorry i cant help more
1:06:29 AM sargasm1: its not going to be easy every
1:06:44 AM sargasm1: and you are going to have bad spells like this
1:07:11 AM sargasm1: he broke your heart, are you supposed to just walk away unhurt? no. you are going to hurt
1:11:52 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: this sucks.
1:11:57 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i want my boyfriend back.
1:11:59 AM sargasm1: im sorry em
1:18:26 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: my life sucks and i hate everything basically
1:18:35 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: which isnt really new but now i dont have mark to lean on any more, heh
1:18:42 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: sigh,
1:18:55 AM sargasm1: my life sucks too and i hate everything
1:19:01 AM sargasm1: today an old man made me cry
1:19:15 AM sargasm1: because he wanted his fucking hot chocolate at 250 degrees
1:19:20 AM sargasm1: and i couldnt do that
1:19:23 AM sargasm1: i tried
1:19:31 AM sargasm1: the milk frothed all over the top
1:19:37 AM sargasm1: and burned all over the pitcher
1:19:52 AM sargasm1: legally the hottest we can serve shit is 180
1:19:55 AM sargasm1: yeah
1:20:00 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: stupid.
1:20:40 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: um the other day a guy came in and bought every bottle of coffee creamer we own (17 bottles) and asked me if we had any more
1:20:52 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: and then got mad at me when i said thats all we've got in stock
1:21:20 AM sargasm1: the fat shit was going to go home and drink them
1:21:21 AM sargasm1: all
1:21:48 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: and then when the subtotal came to 24.95 on his "get $5 off your $25 dollar purchase" coupon i said "well you could buy a pack of gum or something"
1:22:05 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: and he said "WELL I SHOULDNT HAVE TO. because you don't have more of the PRODUCT."
1:22:13 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: "this is YOUR FAULT. not MY FAULT."
1:22:33 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: and no they are powdered coffee creamer not even the liquid kind heh
1:22:54 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: so that was .........weird
1:23:01 AM sargasm1: ...gross....
1:23:07 AM sargasm1: fucking people
1:23:14 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: yeah im not sure why one would need 17 bottles of coffee creamer but
1:23:16 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: um anyway
1:23:39 AM sargasm1: yeah
1:23:41 AM sargasm1: what a fag
1:23:47 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: heh..
1:25:18 AM sargasm1: i bought coco butter
1:25:23 AM sargasm1: to rub on my strech marks
1:25:24 AM sargasm1: cool
1:25:29 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: lol.
1:25:47 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: cocoa butter smells weird
1:26:30 AM sargasm1: the tub i got is gritty
1:26:39 AM sargasm1: it feels weird
1:26:47 AM sargasm1: maybe it will make me bootyful again
1:27:04 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: well at any rate it will make you smell weirdly chocolatey
1:27:28 AM sargasm1: maybe someone will bite a chunk from ym stomach
1:27:36 AM sargasm1: i had to work at ward parkway store yesterday
1:27:37 AM sargasm1: it sucked
1:27:44 AM sargasm1: non stop drink making
1:27:45 AM sargasm1: 7 hours
1:29:49 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: you know
1:30:04 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: if mark really wanted to break up with me a year ago why did he spend so much time with me
1:30:14 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: eventually cultivating in getting back together
1:30:23 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i still saw him like three times a week afterward
1:30:29 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: and we did things together
1:30:33 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i dont understand.
1:30:42 AM sargasm1: he probably doesnt know either
1:30:50 AM sargasm1: just give him space its all you can do
1:30:59 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: sigh.
1:31:00 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i know.
1:31:35 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: ah.
1:31:39 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i just love him so much.
1:31:43 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i hate myself.
1:32:29 AM sargasm1: dont be angry with yourself
1:32:43 AM sargasm1: you are not at fault for feeling
1:33:27 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i sent him two texts today.
1:33:36 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: the first said 'can you please talk to me'
1:33:38 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: no reply.
1:34:34 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i feel asleep for a little bit. woke up and wrote "i wanted to apologize for not being the best girlfriend i could have been to you. i feel like my illness was at fault for that. never you. i hope sometime you'll want to talk to me and see me again"
1:34:48 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: thats the first contact ive had with him in 6 weeks or so
1:35:56 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: im so sad.
1:36:24 AM sargasm1: did you honestly expect him to respond
1:36:29 AM sargasm1: he might take a couple days and respond
1:36:47 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: no, i didnt. it would have made my week though.
1:37:44 AM sargasm1: he might take a while
1:37:55 AM sargasm1: its ok, you didnt do anything wrong dont beat yourself up
1:38:01 AM sargasm1: im really proud of you for making it so long
1:41:39 AM sargasm1: im going to pass out
1:41:44 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: ok
1:41:48 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: good night
1:41:56 AM sargasm1: i love you embee
1:41:59 AM sargasm1: im sorry you are hurting
1:42:00 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: i love you too
1:42:10 AM sargasm1: im off at 7 30 tomorrow if oyu wanna talk after ok
1:42:14 AM sargasm1: ill be here all night
1:42:14 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: ok
1:42:21 AM KILLBOY POWERHEAD: good night
1:42:32 AM sargasm1: k
1:42:33 AM sargasm1: goodnight