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  1. Sorry about this, but... I had to. I had to. If you care to read on you'll understand.
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  3. A couple people who pay really, really close attention to r/fantasy posts may recall that a while ago I was given a copy of Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind. I was, umm, hesitant to read it, from what I'd heard, but I just proceeded to tell myself that it surely couldn't be that bad - they say it doesn't get worse until the later books anyway, right?
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  5. Holy shit. Just... holy shit. I did not realize.
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  7. I mean, it started off on a decent note. Cliched, yes, but noble country boy teams up with a badass wizard to save the kingdom is still an enjoyable premise. Expository, yes, but it was from the 90s, fantasy writing has changed a lot in the past 30 years. But by the Light, were parts of this book contrived! Kahlan happens onto where Richard, the hero, ends up walking - fair. Richard just happened to have the special book memorized in his head, and be the Seeker - well, I guess I can roll with that, narrative causality and all.
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  9. But. Apples are poisonous in the Midlands because the wizards just happened to have a "turn all food of a certain color poisonous forever and ever" spell lying around somewhere (and what does that even mean, to have a spell? It was taken from them, somehow...), and no it can't be reversed and also it only works once, because reasons, and also it's range limited, and also who knows there the hell the spell came from - and then Darken Rahl (or Panis Rahl, not caring right now) got his hands on it through no adequately explained method and used it because "children like red fruit".
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  11. And all of this set up just for like three moments where people got weirded out by Richard eating an apple, and as a contrived excuse for him to not have to have sex at one point.
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  13. WHAT THE FUCK.
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  15. [...]
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  17. I'd been warned that there was a 100-page BDSM scene in the book somewhere, but I didn't really take that warning at face value.
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  19. [...]
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  21. I then closed the book, walked to my computer, and typed this out - and I'm getting a sour taste in my mouth (literally, I can taste something sour) as I recall it.
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  26. [comment section with more random shit from this book follows]
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  31. Just wait until you get to the book where Richard faces off against the Clintons.
  32. This is, as always, not a joke.
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  36. My all-time favorite Sword of Truth scene was Nipple Inspection Day.
  37. - I can't even tell if that's a serious comment or not.
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  41. Bertrand and Hildemara Chambor (because yes, of course he named them that), two rulers of some country who basically run their country into the ground by not spending enough on the military (or something?), doing vague evil stuff related to giving everyone jobs, having lots of secret extramarital sex, then dying of magic stds.
  42. EDIT: Oh and then the country falls to communism.
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  46. "The bird let out a slow chicken cackle. It sounded like a chicken, but in her heart she knew it wasn't. In that instant, she completely understood the concept of a chicken that was not a chicken. This looked like a chicken, like most of the Mud People's chickens. But this was no chicken. This was evil manifest."
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  50. Just the other day I was posting on /r/tipofmytongue about a wacky fantasy book I read where the evil ruler gets assassinated via an STD
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  54. I challenge anyone reading this with a copy of any book in the series to flip to 10 pages from the end. You will see, 10 pages from the end of the book, that the action is STILL RISING! Not finally dying down and moving into the last exposition, but still building. Now turn FIVE pages from the last page. In about 80% of the books you will find that even at this point the bad guy has not been beaten. The day has not been saved.
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  56. Now turn 2 pages from the end of any book in the Sword of Truth series and you'll finally hit the climax. The monster/god/dark lord/general/rapist wizard has been beaten and we are left with 500 words on how Richard did it, why only he could do it, and probably a scene of him longing for his often-lost love, Kahlan.
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  58. Now it gets even better: after an ass-pull ending in double over time, turn to the first page of the next book in the series. Everyone is happy, everything worked out in the end. Congratulations, you found the "ending" was actually hidden at the beginning of the next book!
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  61. Not to kink shame, but the author seems like a horny teen whose erotic fan fiction somehow got published as fantasy.
  62. Hero is conveniently powered, over powered when plot convenient, underpowered when plot convenient.
  63. Also, our boy defeats communism with a statue. Not even remotely exaggerating.
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