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Long short summary

a guest May 25th, 2019 57 Never
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  1. We were together just over 2 years. I was about to turn 19 and now I'm 21(m) years old. It started off a bit shaky because I was so insecure, a lot due to me being mentally abused for almost 2 years in my previous relationship. I had a really hard time opening up and being honest about how I felt. She was the opposite. She always said what she wanted or didn't and was almost brutally honest at times.
  2. Pretty much from the start she was motivating me and trying to help me open up my mind and heart. I made a little progress, I began to feel more happy with myself. But it wasn't easy at all and sometimes it was as if there had been no progress at all. Which must have been really hard for her, to be together with someone who you love that says they love you back but they still aren't comfortable being open and honest with you. I hadn't even thought of that until now that I'm writing all this.
  3. Anyway I was the first one she had gotten into a relationship with, and she was my second. Fast forward and I thought we were going strong, though not perfect. She was still taking antidepressants and had become more insecure of her body which made it really difficult for me to satisfy her fully in the bed. While I always told her that she was hot, beautiful and sexy I'm sure it was because of me that she was so insecure. I somehow mentioned early on that I thought I kind of had had a fetish for Asians earlier, while I was dating my ex (the abusive one) who was Asian. I think that led to her stalking her, which I really tried to get her to stop. Also porn, that became a pretty big part of our lives I tried to stop watching it for her, and myself, and she said she would stop too. But she kept watching it and bringing it up randomly so it was hard to really quit.
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  5. We had some issues and there were some differences, but some of those are what I thought really made us work. We didn't live together but spent a lot of time with each other, we hang out with friend and did stuff separately. Just how it should be.
  6. But then almost a week ago she called me some time after dinner. The same day she had stayed the night at my place and I had dropped her off at work. I had even felt motivated and got some advice for my studies for the coming semester. All due to our little talk when she asked what I wanted to do with my life, I became kind of baffled because, I didn't know, so she didn't really get an answer to that. I never mentioned that I finally had some plans on what I wanted to do before she called me and said that she had been thinking a lot. I was chocked, didn't know what to say but just agreed to meet her in the morning. Then I continued  playing my game barely understanding what had happened. Went to take a shower before sleep and then it hit me, I stood crying in the shower and I didn't stop until I got into bed and just fell asleep.
  7. Picked her up the morning after and went to my place. She said she had thought about this for some time, she said we were too "different" and that she needed someone that was motivated to do stuff so that she also could feel motivated. She wasn't in love with me anymore. We hugged and cried. Then she told me that she loved me and that she had to go. I tried to make her stay because I wanted to talk because it had gone so fast, but I couldn't get the right words out. So she walked out though the door. Minutes later I called her and said what I had tried to say, and that I wanted to keep in contact with her. She agreed to that but she didn't come back to talk.
  8. I'm still devastated, I can't eat, I can't sleep without crying. I triend spending time with friends but every time I smile or manage to laugh I think of her. I tried letting go and showing them that I'm not okay, but I can't. She's the only one I've been able to open up to, and not even fully.
  9. Since that day I have texted her a few times. I told her I realised we probably were to different to be together. I've told her a bunch of stuff I wished I had said before that I just couldn't. I finally opened up to her completely.
  10. She said she was sad that I finally could tell her this stuff and that it's sad it had to come to this. But that she was proud of me. I felt happy for a few hours, until I realized I wasn't being completely honest, I was opening up because I thought that would make her consider give me another chance.
  11. I've lost my best friend, an incredible source of happiness that I probably relied on way to much.  Someone that was a great pillar in my life that would support every decision. Someone that has given me so much more selfconfince than I ever had before. And I believe I helped her a lot too during our 2 years, and I loved every moment of it.
  12. I don't know what to do right now, things are just becoming more and more difficult to deal with.
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