The K-Word (Kenji)

The K-Word

06-10-2012




Something is interrupting my peaceful slumber.  I can feel it was a good dream.  You know how you can't really remember the dream, but just know it was good?  I was having that.  Anything that happens before my alarm ringing is too early.  My alarm hasn't ring, so this would be too early.  And the interruption happens again.  And again.  With increasing speed and vigor.  Sigh.  So any chance of continuing my sleep (and most likely pleasant dream) must now be forfeit.  I hate waking up early on my off day.  I achingly rise and work out the creaks and kinks from my back, neck, and shoulder.  I mutter a curse for whoever dare to ruin the beginning of my day under my breath.

The pounding at my door still has not cease.  Ugh.  “I'm up, I'm up, just give me a minute,”  I try to appease the assault of my eardrums.  I glance at my window.  The sun hasn't even crest over the horizon yet.  I cringe.  All I ask is a little extra time on my Sunday mornings.  An anger is rising through my body, and I close my eyes and start the rhythmic deep breathing cycles that help me calm myself (and most importantly my increasing heartbeat).  Satisfied that my heart (and anger) has return back to near normal levels, I rise from the bed.  With annoyance, I approach the source of my displeasure, taking half-steps to savor whatever additional nanoseconds it will provide.

“Who is it?” I crankily ask the barrier between my continuing stay in my sanctuary and … whatever terrible fate beyond it.

“Hisao, Hisao, it's an emergency!”

Ah, Kenji.  This day keeps getting better and better.

“Has the invasion began?” I try to muster sarcasm, but it didn't translate well due to the grogginess in my voice.

“Just open up!” There's an odd panic in his voice.  Well, more than usual at least, it's rather disconcerting.  I practice my eyeball for the eventual marathon of rolling as I swing my dorm room open, revealing my hallmate clad head to toe in the full Yamaku uniform. Does he sleep in them?  Plus the fact we don't have school today, and also the summer is coming up which means … ah, forget it, trying to understand Kenji is similar to trying to decipher Rin's non-sequitor quips.

“I've discovered one of their secret weapons! A powerful black art that can kill us at our most vunerable moment!”

I absent-minded nod.  “So you've uncovered the plan of those feminists killing us in our sleep, after sapping out our life-force energy post-coitus in bed?”

“NOT QUITE, BUT CLOSE!  YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK THOUGH. BUT IT'S WORSE! THEY CAN KILL US DURING THE ACT OF SEX ITSELF!”

He's shaking, rubbing on his scarf to steady his hand … or to ignite a fire … and the scarf will then self destruct due to the nanomachines that were programmed to explode when the situation should arise.  Oh God, I'm thinking like Kenji now.

“Um … so …” sometimes you're just lost for words.  This is definitely one of those times.

“I'm talking about kegel, Hisao!  KEGEL!  I've learned about it on the internet.  They can learn to contract their vagina with practice, and strengthen it until it is strong enough to entrap your most vulnerable body part to prevent your escape while they drain you of your life force!  This is some next level shit, man.  I'm talking about ELE - Extinction Level Event - shit, bro!”

I continue staring blankly at him, partly due to disbelief and the rest due to plain ole interrupted sleep fatigue.

“Every time us males have sex, it could be our last!  We're playing a deadly game of vaginal roulette!  And the worst part of this is, they can practice this man-ocide technique discreetly anytime, anywhere!  In class!  While eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner.  It's the perfect covert training operation! But I'll figure out a way to know who is doing these kegel exercises right under our noses in broad daylight!”

“I'm pretty sure trying to catch any girl in the act of doing kegel is strictly against school rules, Kenji.  And against the law.  And you'll be put on a list.  A bad list.  Probably forever.  No, definitely forever.  Should be forever.”

“I'm willing to make that sacrifice for the future of our gender!  Just be careful out there, I know you're dating that deaf bitch student council president to infiltrate their ranks.  So be cautious, top level feminazis like her would definitely know kegel.  I would imagine her vaginal strength could bend solid steel beams easily.  Remember, it's vaginal roulette every time.”

“Yeah, you've said that already.”

“I just wanted to say that again, because it's worth repeating plus I admit it's fun to say.  Vaginal roulette.”

“Uh, okay, I'll keep this in mind, uh, thanks for the heads up, Kenji.”  I've given up trying to explain to him that my girlfriend is Suzu and not Shizune.

“No problem, bro.” And with that, he dashed back to his room and I hear the engagement of at least a dozen locks.

I look at my window again, the sun is still not up.  I doubt I'll be able to sleep again, but I need to lie down.

God damnit, Kenji.