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Giantree Writes ACTUAL Fanfiction

Bigwood Jul 2nd, 2016 48 Never
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  1. "Phew."
  2.  
  3. With a fierce plop and a loud 'pomp' noise, Empress Arche took her seat on the throne of the Holy Empire of Acaiah.  Like her ancestor, her ancestor's ancestor, and a long line of Emperors and Empresses starting from the generation of Grand Empress Aria nigh 700 years ago, she had been leading the crusade against the Seven Rolants who have plagued her empire and, indeed, the entire world for as long as anybody can remember.
  4.  
  5. Wearing her regal armor, proudly displaying her status for all to see, and with her trusty sword sheathed at her side, she used this moment of silence to ponder her next move.  Unfortunately for her, it wouldn't last as long as she'd hoped.
  6.  
  7. "Your Majesty!"  Said a man in white-and-blue robes, kneeling in veneration at her presence.  Her Chancellor.  "We've found it!  The Seven He- I mean, the Seven Rolants are gathering in the southern snowdrifts?"
  8.  
  9. "So it's finally time," Empress Arche retorted with a dry smirk.  "Let's finish this!"
  10.  
  11. "Not so fast, Your Majesty," another voice joined the chorus.
  12. An elderly woman named Esmé approached behind the Chancellor.  Though they had never met personally, Empress Arche recognized her face due to the inheritance magic that passed down her skills and powers from Empress Aria through generation after generation.  In fact, it was through this woman that the Emperors and Empresses of Acaiah obtained the inheritance magic in the first place.  Although she was shrouded in mystery, the Empire owed her more than could be quantified.
  13.  
  14. "You see," Esmé continued, "After all this time, the inheritance magic has finally run out.  I'm afraid to say the last Empress able to defeat the Seven Rolants is you, Milady."
  15.  
  16. Arche's bright red eyes widened in shock, yet gleamed with anticipation.  "Really?  I'm the last one?"
  17.  
  18. Her words were met only with the elderly cloaked woman's nod.
  19.  
  20. "aw shit fam SWEET, I'm gonna go grab my best warriors and trash the Seven Rolants then brb"
  21. Arche didn't waste another second.  Before anybody could react, she had already jumped out the window and landed on her pegasus.
  22.  
  23. --- Some time later... ---
  24.  
  25. "Okay guys, anyone want the cookies I baked?"  Arche asked with a smile, now accompanied by the Empire's strongest fighters.  "Better enjoy 'em now, because I just checked and I have like 3x the LP all you guys have, so some or most of you are probs gonna die.  No hard feelings or anything."
  26.  
  27. The warriors looked at each other in worry and disarray, but after all they'd been through fighting at the Empress' side, they were used to this.
  28.  
  29. The Imperial Guard Gustav, technically the Empress' Brother-in-Law through marriage shenanigans but at this moment just another footsoldier, and one unparalleled with a spear.
  30.  
  31. The Armed Merchant Kiuru, leader of a band of Privateers along the North Shortgit Sea, and one of the Empire's most violent axwomen.  She had a bow too but who cares, the 'instantly kill all enemies' waza for general axes has a way cooler animation than the bow one, which only the Grim Reaper Bow can use.  Not that I'm knockin' the idea of 'shoot a bunch of arrows into the air and then they land on the enemies' heads and literally pop them, causing them to explode,' but it just isn't the same as blasting through random encounters by literally slashing existence into multiple pieces and making enemies fall apart, you feel be dog?
  32.  
  33. The Court Mage Ellamae, who was supposed to be named after a gemstone but her parents must've gotten lazy or something.  Still unbeknownst to the Empress she's actually one of the Ancient people who created the inheritance magic in the first place, and a sinner who once lived alongside the Seven Rolants, but despite all that her determination to make things right is unrivaled.  Thanks to Acaiah's developed magic research centers she's packing magical heat and MIGHT be able to cast QuickTime but she knows that's no fun, and is scared of the sheer scolding she'd get after this is all over if she cheesed the final boss like that.
  34.  
  35. And finally, the City Thief Edwin, a young man who worked in an organization underneath Acaiah to steal from the wealthy and give to the poor, now helping to save the world from the Rolants that menace it and return peace.  Also he might take some stuff here and there, but really he's just here to stab stuff and cast healing spells.  Mostly cast healing spells because what's he going to do, deal DAMAGE?
  36.  
  37. Acknowledging each other and finally prepared for their final battle, they all gave each other a silent nod.  A nod emphasizing their vow of comradeship, and their determination to put an end to everything once and for all.
  38.  
  39. "Let's do this!" Shouted Empress Arche, running ahead of the others with no regard for safety.
  40.  
  41. 'No regard for safety' can't be emphasized enough, really, because her actions led to her party having to fight their way through hordes of monsters.  Dragons, Giants, Gargoyles, hilariously misnamed monsters with ridiculously busy sprites to where nobody can tell WHAT the fuck they're supposed to be, oh my!
  42.  
  43. But after long, they found themselves half-submerged in a gross, red liquid that smelled of copper.  A pool of blood, descending further and further underground.
  44.  
  45. "Hey dude," Arche turned to Gustav, "I'm gonna ride on your shoulders, 'kay?  You're wearing red armor so nobody's gonna notice, but if MY costume gets stained while we're fighting the Seven Rolants I'm only gonna look half as cool!"
  46.  
  47. "Okay," he pondered but knew he'd never be able to win in an argument with the Empress.  "Alley-oop!"
  48. The Empire's ruler was now the proud owner of yet another steed, because her other one couldn't fit in this tiny cave.  The others knew they could afford no such luxury and trudged forth regardless, occasionally spurting outdated memes as they went.
  49.  
  50. --- Some time later AGAIN ---
  51.  
  52. After what felt like days of travel - but was really like 15 minutes because the place was designed to be mercifully short knowing the player was going to have to walk all the way out to go grind - they finally reached what looked to be an ancient ruin, and a staircase leading to it overlooking a bottomless chasm.  Probably one that's actually bottomless and not leading to an invisible kingdom that kills anybody who tries to talk about it or anything, but they didn't plan on going down there and finding out.
  53.  
  54. "Finally, you've arrived," echoed the ominous voice of a goatee'd man standing at the ruin's entrance and clutching a sword.  The others met him once in the Desert: the Strongest of the Seven Rolants, the Swordsman Laront.  "You'll pay for what you did to my sister, Antorl!"
  55.  
  56. The others readied their weapons.  What awaited them was a bloody battle where the jackass used full-party attacks every round while Gustav was standing at the front of the formation waiting for Windmill to proc.  But eventually, after a bit of effort, and a few lightbulbs, the Empress' party emerged victorious.
  57.  
  58. "Ugh... I'm sorry, Talron.  I wasn't able to keep our oath," the man muttered in his last breaths.  Instead of dying a dramatic death, he simply retreated into the ruin, where the others knew the other Six Rolants were waiting.  Arche took a deep breath.
  59.  
  60. "You ready?" Asked the others, quaffing anima draughts - what kind of a name is that anyway - and other WP-restoring items as they prepared themselves.
  61.  
  62. "As ready as I'll ever be!" Remarked Arche, and she proceeded without saving into the building which, as soon as they entered, left them all floating in the air with a parallax scrolling sky background.
  63.  
  64. In front of them wasn't the Seven Rolants, but instead just Queen Antorl, one of said Rolants and renowned loli whose adorable appearance convinced older men everywhere to do her bidding.  Her most notable achievement was when she got a whole jungle country's men to beat up monsters in a tower for her while all the women spent a few hundred years being brooding amazons until the Emperor finally decided to get around to stopping her.  But now was a different story- Instead of simply standing there, her torso and up were emerging from a giant, fleshy blob that looked suspiciously like meat.  It was pulsating and expanding, as though it could do anything.  Arche gulped.
  65.  
  66. "O-Okay, here I go!  Elly, cast QuickT- wait, no, better idea.  I got this.  Firewall!"
  67. At the girl's words, she and her companions were enveloped in a massive wall of flame, which they knew would protect them from some attacks.  But not all, and indeed, not many.
  68.  
  69. And then they all unloaded their strongest waza - that's nihongo for 'skills' - in incredibly elaborate displays as all of the Seven Rolants eventually emerged from the blob, doing fucking seven attacks every single round who the FUCK thought that was okay?
  70.  
  71. Eventually, though, the time came.  Arche knew that now was her only chance to land the final blow, as half her companions were either dead or unconscious.  She hoisted her sword and focused intently on the... giant... meatball...
  72.  
  73. Wait a second...
  74.  
  75. *CHOMP*
  76.  
  77. Arche's eyes flipped open.  In front of her sleeping bag was her older sister Ariel, sitting cross-legged with an entire fork in her mouth.  Aside her, a plate of spaghetti with many more meatballs to be consumed.
  78.  
  79. "Uh," Arche tried to mouth words.  "What the actual fuck are you doing eating that in my tent while I'm asleep?"
  80.  
  81. "I was hungry," Ariel shrugged.
  82.  
  83. And then it dawned on the former.
  84.  
  85. "... Yeah, someone else was hungry too."
  86.  
  87. Later that day, the other members of the group began gossiping to one another about how they saw the Scuttlebug walking around camp with a Silver Sword sticking out of it.
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