I'm trying to not cry. It is taking every bit of strength in me to not do so. I also don't want to talk anymore of this. But this is your feelings and I don't want to say that because you feel worse. I don't have the choice to cry or say that I don't want to talk about this. I feel severely pressured. And it's my fault. It's my fault because I don't want to talk or I just cry, and nothing gets solved. It's impossible to do what you do and you expect that from me. You said yourself, "Take it at your own pace" but it seems my pace isn't enough for you and now you feel depressed. And the effort I'm trying to put in, clearly you're not seeing it. It's always "What can you do to make me happy.... What can YOU do...  You're smart, what do YOU think...." It's always a guessing game with you. You're not straight with me and you pressure me when you ask these questions as if you EXPECT me to do something that I don't know how to do. Instead of guiding me and telling me what's going on, it's just a game to you. It's always "what do YOU think is wrong?" I never got the answer from you until I opened up about the letter. Why can't you just straight up tell me what the fuck is wrong rather than play some kind of game with me? It's toxic and I hate it. I get horrible anxiety and I feel pressured. But tonight, thinking about all those times you put me in that position, left me speechless. I feel like the pressure is on me and it will always be until I learn how to do things. And right now, I feel like you feel that whatever I'm doing is not enough and never will be. So it's my fault. I'm to blame. But god forbid it's ever your fault for anything. It's all on me, and me alone, and if it's gonna be that way to make you happy then so be it. I don't even care about what I do anymore because I'm trying to make sure you're okay. But you don't see that, you see it as I'm not doing enough.
I keep thinking back to when we were stranded, all I could think of was blaming you for not having money on your phone or helping me figure out the situation. You left it to me to handle and I felt pressured. You were too dependent on me and I felt stressed. Ever since that stranded thing, my perspective changed of you and that's why I have trust issues with you. You always depended on me to say this, do this, act this way, but I never once put that pressure on you and I feel like it's unfair. Call me wrong for feeling this way but maybe I am wrong for feeling this way and I might just be selfish for thinking this way.
It's clear that I can't do anything right and that's why I feel like it's my fault. Don't force me to do things after you agreed to let me take it at my own pace. You say I'm not doing enough, I'm trying, I really am. I just wish you actually put yourself in my shoes and experienced how severe my anxiety is. But no one understands and it will always stay like that it seems. That's why I'm quiet. I'm just baffled at how much of this stuff circulates through my mind on a daily because of my anxiety. I have to fight this off everyday and I'm not doing enough.
Even tonight, I have my project due at 12. There was so much stuff I wanted to do. I wanted to tell you, "Look, before we talk, I wanna finish this and hand it up one time and get it over with" But no, if I told you that, I'd come off as selfish and not caring of your feelings. So I just left it. Then send me back all flustered after the talk to finish it...
I had so many things in mind to finish it but it went all down the drain. But god forbid, I blame you. So I'm not blaming you. I'm blaming myself for not standing up to you even when you felt like this. Cause it's always me to blame and I accept that from now on. I'll take the blame for everything, maybe you'll see I'm trying for once.