I'm probably not transgendered. I'm going to see a therapist anyway because I don't want to spend my whole life wondering if you were right to bully me into not seeing one, but assuming I am cisgendered, I feel like I need to make sure you don't have the wrong idea about understanding how my brain works and how transgenderism works, because you don't.

If I'm cisgendered, then you were right, but for all the wrong reasons. Not a single thing you said when you were ranting over the phone has anything to do with gender identity, and the way you think is harmful to the trans community.

You listed a bunch of instances of me "acting like a man", but that doesn't mean shit. Cis women are allowed to be into guy things, so why are trans women forced to be 100% feminine all the time, or else they're just being "attention whores"? (by the way, fuck the idea of seeking attention as a bad thing, if someone's seeking attention it means they need help, and I hate our society's negative view of attention seeking behavior) A lot of legitimate actual trans women "tomboys" are convinced they're cisgendered because they "aren't trans enough" or some nonsense bullshit like that, and it needs to stop. If I was born a woman but acted 100% like I do now, would you be convinced I'm trans? Maybe you would have an easier time accepting the idea if I came out to you about it, but I'm sure you wouldn't have realized it on your own; even though on the phone you acted like because you didn't already figure it out on your own, there's no possible way I'm trans.

But it's not like I'm always 100% manly all the time. Ask Lorrie and she should remember what a little queer I was before you met me and before Jason and Lorrie (and to a lesser extent Lisa and Jamie) bullied me out of it. I used to love cooking and sewing before I stopped because it was "too girly" (I don't think anyone actually made fun of me for those things, I just psyched myself out, positive that everyone I know thought I was gay), I was always more interested in my sisters' toys than my own, but never played with them (not when other people were around, at least.) because I didn't want to be made fun of. I used to try on women's clothes when no one was around, and enjoyed it (I never told anyone about that, by the way. I don't remember whose they were, so you can tell Lorrie I'm sorry if I ever wore her clothes in secret, I didn't masturbate in them or get aroused or anything, and I never tried on underwear, so hopefully it isn't too creepy), and I often pretended to be a woman or to have a profession generally thought of as "for women"; one instance that comes to mind is tying a sweater around my waist by the sleeves so the torso faced forward, insisting it was an apron, and pretending to be a maid all night (I did this in front of everyone, too, so Lorrie might remember if you ask her about it.) I also have always been jealous of girls, I wanted to be pretty like them, I wanted to be able to play with dolls like them, I wanted to be able to do all those neat crafts like cross-stitching and crocheting, I wanted to see what it was like to have a period (and then hate that I felt that way immediately after experiencing one, I'm sure. And it's not like I would ever experience that anyway, since transwomen obviously don't have them), I always thought girls got the better deal in life. All of this was before puberty, if that matters.

After starting puberty, I got more and more disgusted with my body (which I think happens to everyone, so no big deal) and all the masculine features that developed. I hate my height, I hate my general bone structure (neither of which I can ever change anyway, so who gives a shit), I hate having hair anywhere but my scalp and pubic region (And always have, that's why you've never seen me in shorts. I've always wanted to shave it all off, but was afraid of being weird. I actually do shave my underarms though, since no one can tell anyway.), I hate my flat butt, pretty much the only thing about my body I don't hate, that most people would hate, are my man-boobs, which I'm mostly indifferent to, but do enjoy pushing together to make cleavage (and this is something I've done in private, like when I'm relaxing in the shower, pretty much since I started eating like a piece of shit and grew them)

But no, because most of this behavior was pushed out of me by my older siblings and upbringing, and I quickly learned never to show this side of me in front of other people, I got a stupid idea in my head and I'm stupid and an attention whore who doesn't understand his own brain as well as some guy who met me a few years ago. You also mentioned that "this shit happens when you're thirteen, people don't figure this stuff out when they're 19" (or something like that, I don't remember your exact words, but that was the idea you presented), but that's another line of thought that causes a lot of legitimate transgendered people not to seek the help they need. Plenty of trans people don't realize they're trans until they're well into adulthood, realizing it even when you're 50 isn't uncommon. And it's not like I just now thought "Hey, women are cool. Guess I'll go get pumped full of estrogen tomorrow", I've felt what may or may not be gender dysphoria for years, and only just now felt like it was something I could do something about.

You also assumed I found the trans thread on Something Awful and in my retarded, impressionable youth, decided I'm like those people, too, but that's not the case. I didn't step foot in that thread, or even know there was one, until after I thought "Hey, maybe these feelings I have mean I'm transgendered. I guess I'll look into that some more.", which caused me too look around various places on the internet, including Something Awful. SA wasn't even the first place I went, it was just a place I thought might have some insight since they've got a lot of members who fall into different minorities and like to discuss serious topics like that.

Also, last night you said "It's not like we just did this out of nowhere, we researched this shit", but you couldn't have done much research on transgenderism if you didn't even know "tranny" is a slur. I get the impression that you googled it, went to one website that agreed with what you already wanted to do, and called it "research". I'm not angry with you for telling my parents, it's probably for the best, I'm just angry about how you went about doing it (you know you could have let me tell them, right? You could have said "Hey, talk to your parents or I'll talk to them for you" if you didn't think I would actually go through with it.), and I'm angry with how you choose to present your thoughts. You can't say "I think you x, because y", you have to say "You x, because y", you have to act like you have all the answers and have a perfect understanding of every aspect of the situation, every single time you state an opinion or thought, you state it as a fact.

So basically, don't act like you understand me better than I do, because you don't, and be less obnoxious and self-righteous when stating an opinion. I'm going to see a therapist (and I'm going to talk to my parents too, both of them, so don't even start with that shit) and hopefully he'll help me figure things out for myself. Even if therapy turns out to be useless, at least I know he won't say "Look, this is how you feel, I know because I know you better than you do, and I've done 'research' on transgenderism, so I'm basically a tranny and I understand how they think perfectly, you dumbass.", like SOMEONE I know.

I do admit that I should have told you and Lorrie in a different way. I wasn't sure of myself, but I didn't want to sound like I wasn't thinking about it and didn't have any confidence in myself or reasons for why I thought the way I did, so instead of making a much more accurate statement like "I think I might be transgendered, I'm going to see a therapist to figure it out", I said "I'm transgendered, therapy is necessary if I want to get the medication I need to transition", because I was afraid coming across as unsure would make it sound like I was going off of nothing, when in fact, the way I told you made it sound like I was acting without putting any thought into it, and I made you worry that I was going to go do something life-changing without thinking about how it would affect me or my future. I have put a lot of thought into this, even if I am trans I'm not going to start transitioning any time soon, and I'm sorry for making you and Lorrie worry.

Sorry for the wall of text, but I would be very appreciative if you could read it when you have the time.

It took an hour to write, so I figure it will take an hour to read.