Almost Familiar (Suzu route Act 3-4)

Almost Familiar


It's been a few days since the career survey went around. People have started to go back to talking about normal things, like what they want to do over the weekend, or how worried they are about upcoming exams, boring stuff like that. It's nice. It's a welcome change. Miki kind of brushed off the whole thing and went back to business as usual pretty quickly, but Hisao has been in a thoughtful mood lately.

I know it's only a matter of time until he asks me what I want to do. If I plan on attending university, what kind of career I would like to have. I'm dreading it, because I don't have an answer for him. Talk like that, it shuts me down. It always has, it's the same way with my parents. With them, “oh, you should look into this” turns into “have you done that yet?”, and then it becomes “we went ahead and signed you up for this”.

I know they're only trying to help. I know they're only pushing me because I won't move on my own. But growing up isn't like learning to ride a bicycle, you get more than skinned knees and an aversion to asphalt if you fall now. And it turns out I'm not very good at either one.

Today is Friday, and I still haven't asked Hisao if he'll spend next weekend with me. There hasn't really been time, classwork has ramped up lately, it feels like the teachers are bent on not letting us have any fun. I wonder if fun ever kicked them and stole their lunch money when they were little? They certainly seem to be holding a grudge. Or maybe they're allergic to it?

Now I'm just trying to hold myself together until class ends and lunch break begins. My attention is divided almost equally between the blackboard and the clock on the wall, teacher, even I understand this part by now just please let us go. Please. Pleeeease.

Ugh. If only the teacher could read minds. Actually no, that would be horrifying. I lean forward, folding my elbows onto my desk and cradling my head on top of them. I guess this is still better than sleeping, sometimes.

Sleeping. I want to go back to dreaming about all kinds of normal, silly things, like Molly having jet engines instead of prosthetic feet, and Mutou being some sort of undercover detective. But I'm scared that, the next time I close my eyes, I'll be back there again, in that place.

I don't want to go back anymore. For a while there, I was starting to feel almost like a normal person again, doing normal things. Going on dates, having study sessions in the library, all the while not a single battle to be shipped. Or, wait, not a single ship to battle. Or... I give up.

The point is, I don't want to be the person I was a few months ago, before Hisao arrived. I'm not that person anymore, I'm not. I'm different. I think I'm... a little braver maybe, and he's been dragging me out of the dorms more often so I've been getting more exercise, and...

Wait, where is everyone going? Did the bell ring? I guess it did.

“Are you coming?” Miki waves at me as she collects her things from her desk.

“What.”

“To lunch, silly. C'mon, let's blow this popsicle stand.”

“I don't even know what that means.” I mumble, hastily detaching myself from my desk. Actually, as hungry as I am, this is my best chance to slip away to the library and do some top secret research.

Hisao appears next to me as we walk out of the classroom and begin heading for the staircase.

“Have you ever blown a popsicle stand?” I ask, feeling myself begin to wake up just from being in proximity to him.

“I don't... what does that mean?” He stares at me, and I gesture towards Miki with both hands.

“You see? You see?”


I detach myself from the group as we reach the floor below ours, second year students ebb and flow past me on either side. It's hard to believe I was one of them, just a year ago. I remember liking the shorter trip upstairs though, that was nice.

“Aren't you coming to lunch?” Hisao asks, stopping. Miki eyes us for a moment before urging the others on, saying something about us doing couple things.

“No, I have to do some top secret research.” I say, keeping my expression completely blank.

“What kind of--”

“Top. Secret.” I narrow my eyes at him, but my act is ruined when a rather large yawn comes on. He went through all the effort of reading up on my narcolepsy by himself, so I want to return the favor, even if I would be better off having someone with me in case of falls.

Hisao cocks his head to one side, seemingly unsure if he should play ball or not.

“Okay.” He says at last. “Be careful.”

Well that's okay, I'm a bit too tired to play right now anyway. Actually, maybe just a little.

“Why, are you worried about me?” I take a step towards him. Before he can respond, I close the gap between us and reach up to pull him into a hug.

I'm fine, I want to say. I'm fine, everything's fine, nothing to worry about. But that would be a lie.

I'm not fine. I'm not okay. I'm scared, scared of going to sleep again and scared of some vast unknown future and scared of somehow finding a way to tell him something that I've only told a handful of people.

“I'm worried about me too.” I mumble into his chest.

Hisao stares down at me with a deepening frown. “Suzu? What's wrong?”

I was afraid he'd ask that. I don't know what to tell him, I don't know how to describe it or where to even start or if I should talk about it at all or--or anything like that. So instead I just look up at him, staring into those deep brown eyes.

I, I changed my mind. Hisao can help with the top secret research. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be apart from him.

“Can you come with me?” I ask.

“I thought you were doing secretive things.” His expression changes to a gentle smile, noo, not the smile. I feel a blush creep into my face. Damn you. Damn you.

I need that smile. I need you.

But I don't say that. I can't say that. Instead I smile back, just his presence and the feeling of his body against mine doing wonders to drive away my worries.

“You've been granted security clearance.” I say.

Hisao grins. “Do I get a badge?”

“Yup. It's this way.” I pull out of the hug a little reluctantly and grab his hand, leading him towards the library. I feel better, I'm smiling and even though we've held hands a bunch of times before we're both blushing a bit, like a couple of teenagers who--oh, I guess that describes us pretty well. Alright then.

Despite all this, we get about five feet before the lights go out. Well, for me, at least.


I don't go back to that place. Instead of a starry night, I dream about standing on some rooftop with Miki, both of us dressed in superhero outfits. Miki has her arms crossed while we wait for a mechanic to fix the Stump Signal. Which is taking a while, because the mechanic is Rin Tezuka, a hardhat on her head and a wrench in her mouth.

“How long is this going to take? We have evil to thwart.” Miki--er, Stumpfist asks.

“I don't think I've ever thwarted something that wasn't evil.” I say to no one in particular.

“Mmmf.” Rin replies.

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever being lulled into anything but a false sense of security, either. Well actually, I've been lulled to sleep. Wait, sleep? That's--

I wake up. Funny how realizing I'm dreaming never really helps me when it matters. Oh well, I wasn't able to understand Rin's estimate anyway, but it's probably a safe bet that it would have taken all night and I don't have time to... time to... where am I?

Ohh, hello beanbag chair. You're my best friend, so big and comfy and... library. I'm in the library.

I raise my head and look around. I don't think I was out that long, the place is still mostly deserted so I don't think lunch break is over yet.

I carefully escape from the bean bag chair's clutches, pulling myself to my feet. I don't see Hisao anywhere, did he get bored and wander off? Well. Well, I'm awake now at least, and I'm sure he'll come back or at least show up again... so I should be good for a little while before I pass out again, if I'm lucky. Which I'm usually not. So time to make it count, I guess.

I begin wandering through aisles at random, I should probably ask Yuuko for help but she's currently choking on a sandwich that she had been trying to eat as stealthily as possible before I woke up.

Uh... is she okay?

I don't know the Heimlich maneuver, um... is she...?

Oh, no, there she goes, she's fine. Yuuko waves at me after successfully managing to swallow the last of her sandwich, looking like she's about to start weeping, and I wave back blankly. Right. Well I'm glad that worked out, now back to looking for medical books.

I stroll through the nonfiction section, trying to keep myself firmly planted in the middle of the aisle so that I don't risk hitting any of the bookshelves should the plug be pulled on me again. I'm not really sure where I would go to look for things like this, as much as I love the library here I spend most of my time either in the fiction section or in the literature club's dungeon--I mean, club room.

“What are you looking for?” A voice asks.

“The arrhythmia section.” I mumble. I know we don't actually have one of those, but the only place I would think to look for medical books in general would be somewhere here in nonfiction and--oh crap, who's that?

I glance up from the rows of books I'd been peering at. Lezard is standing there at the end of the aisle, bag slung over one shoulder like he's about to head back to class.

He's been quiet lately. Ever since Hisao and I became “official”, he hasn't been eating lunch with the rest of us as much, and I rarely see him outside of class or literature club meetings. In fact, I don't really remember the last time we spoke. Is he still mad?

He looks like he's still mad.

“The what?” Lezard raises an eyebrow. Oops, oops.

“The nothing. It's for, uh, a biology assignment. It's a rare kind of gerbil.” I bob my head up and down hurriedly in an attempt to cover my tracks. No one must know my secret. Or, well, Hisao's secret. I don't even know how closely he's been guarding it, but since it took so long for him to open up to me about it, I'm not going to go around telling other people. Well, not on purpose, anyway.

“Whatever. Good luck.” Lezard looks like he wants to say something else, but he waves and walks away. Huh.

It's, uh, weird when he's not such a bad guy sometimes. It makes me feel like I've misjudged him, like I should try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Or maybe he just wasn't around long enough this time to make an ass out of himself?

I sigh. I don't like having what I could even loosely describe as enemies, who has the time or energy for that? I certainly don't.

I stumble back to Yuuko's desk, hoping that my attention won't almost kill her this time. With her help I manage to find the section where books on various medical conditions, histories and treatments are stored, and lug a few back to a nearby table, where I settle in for the long haul, unsure of how much time is left in the lunch break.

Let's see, ah, here we go. Arrhythmia, sometimes called cardiac dysrh... dysrhythmia, is the name for a large spectrum of conditions resulting in irregular electrical activity of the heart...

...Congenital muscular defects, palpitations, pacemakers...

...Defibrillation, V-Fib, A-Fib, bradycardia, tachycardia...

SADS, that's seasonal affective disorder, right? That's like, when you don't get enough sunlight because of the weather and--what? Sudden unexpected death syndrome? What? You WHAT?

Oh god. I, I almost wish I hadn't tried doing this. The only thing I've really managed to learn so far is that there are a lot of different types and levels of arrhythmia, so I have no idea how much of this stuff actually applies to Hisao, and...

This is complicated. I understand why he might not want to have to take all this in, why maybe it would be best to just trust in your medication and live day by day, not stressing about things like automaticity and premature junctional contraction--heh--and just... and just...

I'm in completely over my head, I don't think I've really learned anything at all. Wait, no, here's a book that might help. Yeah...

I'm so absorbed in the pages in front of me that I don't hear someone walking up behind me.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” Someone asks.

“Lezard, I can't tell you what... oh.” I lean back in my chair and crane my neck up to look behind me. Hisao is standing there, holding a few rolls of bread and a couple cans of juice in his hands. They're strategically placed so as to be out of sight of the librarian. That's okay, given what I witnessed earlier I'm pretty sure Yuuko won't mind.

“Hi.” I say, blinking at him.

“Lezard was here? Is he bothering you?” Hisao scowls, which looks a little weird when he's upside down like this. Or no, he's not upside down, I am, and my neck is starting to hurt. I move forward to sit normally as Hisao takes a seat next to me, propping up some of the books to cover the food from view. His expression grows pensive as he glances at the covers.

“No, he just showed up and then left.” I watch Hisao as he reaches for one of the books, but then sets it aside and begins unwrapping the bread that he'd brought.

“So this was your top secret research...”

I nod, still watching his expression. “Are you mad?”

Hisao chuckles softly. “I'm not mad, why would I be?” He struggles with the layer of plastic standing between him and his lunch. Glancing around quickly, he raises the bag to his mouth and bites off a corner of the wrapping, caveman style. The sight makes me giggle.

“Me Hisao, me eat bread.” I glance back at my book while reaching for one of the cans of juice. Um, thank you, by the way. I should say that. Don't let me forget to say that.

“Me Suzu, me go to library and read... really?” He looks from the cover of the book in my hand to me, managing to raise an eyebrow while chewing on his bread at the same time. Impressive, and a little weird.
Hisao swallows. “'Arrhythmia for dummies'?”

“It has pictures.” I pout.

“You were the one who suggested we read Dostoyevsky for next week's literature club meeting.” He says dryly.

“Well, I wouldn't do CPR on Dostoyevsky.” I reply, continuing to thumb through the pages.


It's not much longer before the bell rings, signaling the end to both lunch break and our quiet moments together. I feel bad, but I don't end up checking out any of the books, there's barely enough time to put them away before we have to dash out of the library and head back to class. In fact, I didn't even get time to eat my bread. I pull it out and start unwrapping it as we walk, making a clear effort to show Hisao my special technique, what we call “the right way”.

“Thanks for lunch by the way.” I mumble in between bites. Second years glance up at us as they go back to their classrooms.

“Sure.” Hisao says, holding his bag in front of him to part the flow of short people.

He glances back at me. “Thanks for caring enough to do some research.” He smiles wistfully.

Munch. “You did the same for me.”

Hisao groans, turning his head to focus on the task of navigating through the flow of students. “I thought I got away with that.”

“Nope. I'm sneaky and I always—”


The next thing I know, I'm sitting on the tile floor with my back against the wall. My head is slumped onto a shoulder... a shoulder... oh, hi Hisao. You're still here.

“...always notice things like that.” I finish the sentence that was... how long have I been...?
“Welcome to half an hour ago.” Hisao smiles, setting down some paper leaflets he'd been reading while waiting for me to wake up. I stare back at him for a few moments, the sensation of being awake and alive slowly returning.

I gently sit up, looking around. We're sitting in the hallway, across from the door to class 3-3. And...
“My bread's gone.”

“Yeah, sorry. It didn't make it.” Hisao laughs. “I did manage to catch you though, I almost took out a second year doing it. It was pretty impressive.”

“I wish I could have seen it.” I say as I stretch out and roll my shoulders--there's a popping noise, a present from the floor on the way to the showers this morning. How kind of it. Ha ha... ha.

“I wish you could have too.” All apologetic, Hisao gives me a sad little smile. I guess it's better than him being all mopey and nervous like he was when he first arrived, but I still don't want to see him like that. It's okay, nothing really happened. I woke up, right? And he's still here.

He's still here.

“Thank you for catching me anyway.” I say, leaning back into him and wrapping my arms around his. “And, and thank you for the bread even if I didn't get to eat it all, and...”

I should say this. I wanted to a while ago, but I never got the chance. Or, more like the rug was pulled out from underneath me, or some other analogy like that. But here it is. My chance, my turn.

“...and thank you for coming to Yamaku, Hisao.” I say, feeling my heart beat in my chest as I look up at him.

He stares back at me for a few moments, it seems like I caught him completely off guard. He opens his mouth to say something, then shuts it again.

I go on. “I'm sorry that I miss out on things sometimes, and that you have to carry me around or stop me from hurting myself.”

“Suzu, you don't have to--”

“And I'm sorry that I don't really know very much about being a good girlfriend and I'm kind of just flying by the seat of my pants, even though I don't really know what that mea--”

“Suzu.” He gives his arm a shake, the one that I'm currently holding. I glance back at him, and he's looking at me with that expression... where have I seen it before?

“Hisao.” I say, and he smiles. He looks grateful and nervous and alive and... oh, right.

That's how he looked in my dream, just before we...

So where are the...?

“I wasn't sure at first, about anything.” He says softly, leaning in a bit closer to me. “I'm still not sure about a lot of things. But I'm glad I came here, Suzu.”

“I'm glad I met you.” He smiles that same smile, and I can't do anything at all, I'm paralyzed by its warmth. How does he do that? Does he know he does that? Does he only do that for me? I kind of hope so, that would be nice.

Hisao, he, he said that in my dream too. Ha, I guess my subconscious was on to something.

...Don't start crying again, Suzu. We can get that feeling back, remember? Here it is. Here it is, take it. It's real.

...I'm crying again. At least I'm pretty sure it's real this time.

Hisao gently cups my head with one hand and pulls me closer. Our foreheads meet, and I close my eyes, entranced with feeling of being this close to him. I, I need this, and in this moment, I know that he does too.

This is the part where we kiss. And we do, slowly, gently, almost searchingly, like we're trying not to hurt eachother at the same time.

It's okay, though. I feel okay now.

I found the fireworks.


The door to the classroom opens and someone steps out, but we don't stop. Can't stop. Don't want to. I hold up one hand to tell whoever it is to wait. There's a few moments of silence and then the door slams closed. Judging from the muffled but booming laughter that resounds from inside the room a few seconds later, it was probably Shizune. Oh well.

We separate ourselves after a few more moments, and I open my eyes to see that both of us had done the same thing, our arms still raised to ward off whoever had come to check on us. We look at eachother and both begin to laugh.

“We should probably go back to class now.” Hisao says, smiling, his face flushed.

“Yeah.” I mumble, wiping the tears from my reddening face as I begin to stand up.

Hisao collects the pamphlets that he had been reading while I was asleep, they're... they're college brochures, great, and then gets to his feet.

“Why are you always crying when we kiss?” He asks. He's joking. I think.

“Why are you always making me cry?” I sniffle, and then wrap him in a hug to make sure he knows that at least one of us is kidding.

“Hey.” He returns the hug, stroking my back with one hand. “You know you can tell me if something's wrong, right? You can always tell me.”

“Mhmm.” I nod into his chest, which has the added effect of wiping the last of my tears away. Something's wrong, I think. But I don't know how to tell him. I don't know, I don't want to think about it right now, I just want to go back to class and forget about bad dreams and empty futures and, and last year.

Guilt suddenly stabs at me. I shouldn't forget. I can't forget, that's not fair. But Hisao's voice pulls me back to reality.

“You're getting my shirt all wet.” He pretends to complain, still holding me.

“Deal with it.” I mumble. “Miki will kill you if she thinks you made me cry.”

Hisao laughs, then thinks about it, then laughs again, but more nervously this time. “Good point.” He says.

A few moments later and I've calmed down enough to let him go. Hisao looks at me searchingly, but I think returning to class is what I need right now, even another boring lecture wouldn't be so bad now. I'll be fine. I won't sleep, I won't, and I won't dream of skeletons and endless skies and things I've lost and have no right to find again.