a guest Feb 13th, 2018 72 in 1 day
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- I think I have PTSD. Now I'm also worried that I'm a little hypochondriacal and think I have issues that I don't, however I think I have valid reasons for this. I was hit extremely often to the point I was hyper vigilant and would be extremely jumpy, or dodge out of the way whenever my step father would walk by. He then would pester me and ask why I was so jumpy.
- I have also been tickled, and kept being tickled, while I was begging people to stop, they wouldn't stop until I had peed my pants and was crying.
- I was put down for years told I'm not good enough, that I need to try harder, while also being hit. My mother would just laugh, or maybe he never did it in sight and she didn't know, but even when I was so jumpy she didn't take note. I guess she was too busy with herself to notice about me, or since I didn't say anything she didn't notice, or perhaps she just didn't care.
- Which you can day obviously she cared or else she wouldn't have raised you, but I don't think that's a very serious position to hold because it's possible she was doing this whole thing to prove that she could do it and for narcissistic reasons. I do find myself to be on the narcissistic side of things quite-frequently, and I wouldn't doubt this to be at least semi heritable. Which if not narcissism she is at the very least hyper disagreeable, where everything must be her way. She was effectively an only child as was I due to a 10+ age gap in siblings. Current psychological understanding, to my knowledge says that agreeableness is a heritable trait, and based on my grandfather's family as well as my biological father's side I would accept this to be true based on experience, however I think that is just your starting spot and I would intuitively expect that a large amount of these problems stem from bad parenting, that has happened generation after generation, which is why I dream of having a family 3-5 kids, and a stable marriage that doesn't end in divorce. Anything else, I don't care as much I just want a stable marriage.
- Now that was a tangent, I need to write more so I stay more on track. The point is why I think I have PTSD is because I'm still hyper vigilant today, often when I see people around corners, or just barely in my vision, or embarrassingly when I see nothing at all sometimes; I will flinch, jump, or at least feel a slight shock. This is an incredibly difficult thing that I'm working on improving.
- Perhaps the most embarrassing moment of my life, up until this point, occurred when my Ex girlfriend went to get something out of my hair and I flinched. She said that she would never hit me, and it absolutely killed me inside.
- It could be that this is not PTSD, but I'm quite confident that it is some form of neuroticism or another, and I hope that I can fix it. It has the potential to just be some major trust issues where I've never been able to open up to anyone, which compounds with my proclivity to hide away and avoid all of society. I've been working on having more social interactions, smiling more, hopefully soon I will even be able to ask a girl out for coffee or their number! Haha
- Regardless, if it's PTSD, Trust Issues, or something else, the effects are the same. Hyper vigilance, due to this I become extremely combative quite quickly defending myself over the tiniest of infraction causing those around me to have to walk on egg shells to avoid my snapping in one way or another. On the internet this manifests as hyper vigilance. Recently, I got kicked out of one of my favorite places on the internet because my presence was seen as hurting the welfare of the server. I can see the argument, I'm hyper disagreeable, my arguments are often weak or based on intuition and experience, of worse completely based of morality when I at the same time choose to accept a religious framework. I would often be quite toxic fighting people with Strawmen and character attacks. It wasn't technically bad, and I would typically only do this to certain people. My favorite was the voice chats, I learned a lot there, and listened to many interesting discussions that you just won't get on many places throughout the internet. Outside of the virtual space, it shows itself in me dodging nonthreats, I used to just shake constantly (I've mostly fixed this with diet but my heart rate occasionally spikes which brings it back), and an irregular heartbeat. Which might be something unrelated.
- I tried reading this book that was reccomended to me, it was "Reinventing your Life" which used Schema Therapy. The book told me that for my type I would likely need a therapist, but I've been neglecting returning even for my medication for school because I guess I'm scared or think I don't need it. It also gave me a number of other types that also resonated with me and suggested I started with the easier ones first and not to tackle the hard ones alone, when you're first getting started. It left my quite discouraged.
- Recently though I have been trying a new approach. I've read Jordan Peterson's 12 rules for life, which seems to sum up his message quite nicely and many examples connect with the hours of lectures of watched. I've also read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and have been working on implementing that, although I'm still only on Habit 1, be proactive. As well as reading much more challenging books in my leisure time, or literature, or sometimes poetry. I've also started taking pictures along with attempting to implement these 12 rules and 7 habits. I've been reading some Carl Jung, I recently finished modern man in search of a soul and am now working on Man and his Symbols, whilst also reading Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, Faust by Goethe, and On Liberty by John Stuart Mills, and of course the Bible.
- Meanwhile my classes have picked up a lot, my Calculus 2 class is kicking my ass, I'm 2 weeks behind in Korean, I have a Intermediate Microeconomics midterm soon, but I haven't gotten the book yet, same with my statistics class, and the final class is a politics class that I will have to give a presentation to 70 people, I hope my heart doesn't give out.
- At least my room is clean, and I've done laundry, so I'm moving forward. I still haven't gotten my passport paperwork turned in. I think I might not be able to study abroad if I don't do so tomorrow. Also I don't know where I'm going to get the money. Once I go I should get money back, but the initial price of the ticket is quite high. If I want to go I should get a job, or sell drugs, or my body or something hahahaha, just sitting here complaining isn't going to get me the money unless I get lucky with some crypto, but I can't rely on the lottery.
- If you've made it this far. Thank you for reading.
- Also dream and rabbit, lack of supervision, I don't think these are involved.
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