I can't remember if I told you or Shane why I was in hospital a 2nd time
You did not.

I hung myself
Yes that much I know but you didn't really say why

Oh
Well, it's pretty much about the function of reality hitting me hard and a whole lot of shit hitting me at once too
Function of reality?
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Like the UH thing
My financial crisis
My school in jeopardy
Your ability to go to school you mean?
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I'm worried about never being able to support myself
Yeah
And the fact that I am going to be 30 soon and haven't accomplished much
Still living at home
My parents won't be here forever
Well we were trying to change that.

Yeah, I think I fucked up the AFLAC thing
You did not.

I didn't?
No.
I've been in constant contact with them about your condition.

You have!?
Oh my!
Well... yes.
I just spoke with them.... last week? I think? When you were hospitalized again

I haven't told Mike that I've gotten out yet
That's fine, it just happened.
Just let him know when you can.

I'm rather scared to
No reason to be scared, he's been well apprised of everything you've been going through.
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Because I have to let him know of the PHP thing
Mm. That's gonna be a conversation you will have to have with him, for sure.

Yes
Also, I was supposed to do TMS
Which is Trans Magnetic Stimulation
But I might be able to start studying when I start the TMS
Oh well that's good. He'll be happy to hear that

Yes!
I just fear the TMS will fail again
What I really want is the Vagal Nerve Stimulator
Or the Deep Brain Stimulation
Which requires surgery
Brain surgery
Perhaps you can work up to those'uns
In the meantime

Yes
No, you didn't fuck up the aflac thing. You'll have to call them Monday and talk to Mike.

I am hoping so
Yes
PHP is 8-3 at that same place
M-F
And then my mother drives me all over Baytown
Er... what is PHP?

But on Monday I will send him a text to start
Partial Hospitalization Program
I actually had to leave early on Friday because I was throwing up so much and ended up fainting
How long does that last?

It depends on insurance
And progress
I was making good progress
But Friday was a bad 'un
That... could be a signfiicant problem but, Mike may be able to work something out regarding it. I mean if it's just PHP during your licensing and it isn't long term it might not be an issue

There is also IOP
Intensive Outpatient Program
Which follows PHP
That is usually a month
But is MWF and 8-noon
IOP I might be able to get started
But I don't know how long my PHP is
Oh dear.... well hopefully Mike can figure something out for that'un. I'm not sure what to say on em.

Me too
This shit came at a bad time
Indeed... but there is still hope, I think. At least until he says otherwise
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Yes. I hope so
I feel I can't do anything
And that it's better if I were dead
I told this to my father today
And he tells me that if I kill myself then he will put himself in an early grave too.
I just cried
I really do wish I'd just not wake up so that I wouldn't have to deal with the function of reality.
I wrote my professor too
It had been some time
I went into maths to devote my life to maths so that I wouldn't kill myself
Oh.

But then I wake up one day
And get tired of Einstein
I get tired of Copenhagen
I know time does not exist
But one day, I wake up and I realize that Einstein's equations
They rely upon light being constant
And all these new discoveries
In the physics world
Are you saying that these findings depressed you and led to the times?

Part of it yes
Because
If it's possible to go faster than the speed of light
Then nothing in reality makes any damned sense
Nothing is quantifiable
Nothing matters
And my devotion to maths will all be for naught
So I cursed Einstein
Oh dear.

Yes
I had been working on a different interpretation of quantum mechanics
But due to the fact I haven't even gotten my bachelor's
It won't get published
Why's that?

I'll get laughed out of every journal
Because I am not PhD
There's this whole politics scandal in science
Science is controlled by purse strings
And shut down by pay walls
So no real science ever makes the big news, at least not anymore
That shit stays locked up
Even if some obscure journal did publish my interpretation of quantum mechanics
Nobody would ever read it
Except the ones that peer reviewed it
Oh my...
Some of this goes a little over my head, I must admit.

Makes me so fucking angry
All this shit
It's okay. It goes over my head too
I'm just a mathematician
Not a scientist
There's a very discrete difference
I'd probably have a heart attack as an academic
Because of how angry I'd be all the time
Angry and sad actually
For not being able to carry out my vision
Well allowed to
Science is held back
Especially to the public
Those are sad times, indeed...

Yes


So then I look at the abyss and the abyss looks at me
And I Fucking hung myself
But it didn't work
I am glad it did not, for what it's worth.


I am not
But I am trying to change my attitude
Well yes I can imagine so, but having killed yourself would not solve the problem itself. Being prevented from pursuing your dream now, youw ould be permanently prevented from pursuing it then. At least in life there are opportunities to change such things.

This is true
But
What I look at when killing myself is to not solve the problem
It's to escape the problem, to give up, and to not feel anymore.
You would never be satisfied by giving up.
If you would be, you would simply change your dream.
Is that not so?

I'd rather not feel anything nor be conscious of the tragedies of science and maths. I cannot change my dream.
Sure you can.

I have always tied my self worth to my work
I understand that, because it is important to you.

And my maths, it was supposed to be a devotion of my life to not kill myself
And to give to mankind
The way maths and science is supposed to be
But the way it is now, it's not possible
I used to believe that one person could change the world
And I found out that fighting just 2 Universities
Against their misdeeds
Has marked me
It doesn't matter that I did it for the right reasons
It doesn't matter that people got fired and there were fines and investigations
And it doesn't matter that I helped get a University president to step down or he was going to go to jail or worse
While I was at UT, I did so many things
At UH I did too
I fought many good fights
And in the end, I'm the one who is marked
As it tends to be with people who try to affect positive change.

Yes
Very much so
The important thing is
Despite all the cards stacked against you
You fought for what was right, in the best way that you could.

I did
It just so happened that the people you fought had cards stacked you had no way of seeing.

And I won
That is not your fault.

True
I did it my way
I don'tt believe there's any conceivable way, even through your professorial connections, that you could have seen the times playing out in quite this way.

What do you mean?
Right now, I am not a student at UH