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Snekkit in Operayshun: Blow It All ta Zog

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Aug 3rd, 2012
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  1. Snekkit shifted uncomfortably in his hiding place. He was a big nob in a tight space, but as a kommando, he wouldn’t have it any other way. He and three other kommandos were hiding within the hull of a space hulk that was chasing the Loot-hava, no doubt trying to loot their titan Boris from their much smaller vessel. Their mission: to infiltrate the pursuing vessel and blast the zog out of it in every way possible. Urtylug himself had told his head kommando to send an elite strike force for the task and Snekkit was lucky enough to be chosen! He knew it was a good idea to pay that funny shaped little blue grot a visit today, the Big Mek’s wrath be zogged. He tried his best to stay still, but he was too excited to keep at it for very long. He knew he was feeling what his mentor Rockeata called “da frill of da hunt“. He had to be, because all kommandos felt it, right? And he was a kommando, after all. That wasn’t always the case for Snekkit, however.
  2.  
  3. Not too long ago, he was just your average nob, whose only job was pointing and shooting, with the pointing part only being for overachievers. But that all changed once the Boss looted that titan and said all boys had to be either sneaky or train under the Boss himself and become one of his dreaded “swashkrumpas“, agile orks who relied on speed and mobility over brute strength. All the rest of the nobs and the few stormboys they had left went with the Boss, figuring learning how to dance and fight at the same time like the Boss did was better than training to be a kommando, but Snekkit wasn’t your typical nob. Day in and day out he listened to Rockeata, the veteran kommando and the oldest ork anyork knew, tell stories of past hunts and operations. He always wanted to be out there with Rockeata, on kommando missions or on hunting soo-far-ees. He didn’t even know what a soo-far-ee was, he just knew that Rockeata liked them so they must be good. He even tried to eat rocks to be dead hard and dead patient like Rockeata was, but they always gave him a toothache and chipped his teeth in ways that he couldn’t even use them to buy some fungus beer at the Toe Jam (named for its location in Boris’ toe, a setting known for its abundance of fungus). But he was a nob. And everyork knew nobs couldn’t be kommandos. Besides, he was too handy at being shooty to waste anywhere else. At least before they lost all their boys and Urtylug came up with the cunning plan of being an entire army of sneaky gits.
  4.  
  5. ”Zog it, Snekkit, kwit russlin about, you’z gonna get us caught!“ Torkka whispered harshly.
  6.  
  7. “An’ take off dat silly giddup, you’z ain’t foolin anywon, ya git.“ Kargg added in.
  8.  
  9. “You’z gits jus dunt apreesheeate da kunnin ov my plan!“ Snekkit riposted
  10.  
  11. ”Oh yeah? Who evva ‘eard ov a bush on ship, ‘uh? No wun, dat’s who!”
  12.  
  13. ”Dat’s wut makes it so kunnin!”
  14.  
  15. ”Dat’s wut makes it so zoggin stoopid ya big klumsy git. You’z gonna get us all killed. We’z lost enough boys at it iz fanks ta ‘kunnin plans’, we’z dunt need ta be losin anymore!”
  16.  
  17. It was true. The infiltration plan that Rockeata and Urtylug had concocted involved flying between a bunch of space rocks that the space hulk was too big to sneak through and leaving a few kommandos stranded on those rocks, ready to jump aboard when the hulk crashed through those rocks. The plan had been successful, except for the poor kommandos who jumped to early or too late and got smeared against the hull of the massive vessel.
  18.  
  19. “You’ll see! You’ll all’z see! I’z ded sneeky an’ trained under da grate Rockeata ‘imself!”
  20.  
  21. “Quiet you gits an’ get redy! We’z got companee!” The fourth and final kommando, Muldybakk, hissed, ”An’ let me do da talkin!”
  22.  
  23. An orkish patrol four strong – three slugga boys and a nob leader – was passing through the corridor they were hiding in. They stopped when they came across the sight of a blue barrel with the word ”kommando” scrawled across it, two sets of green fingers and a dirty pair of boots sticking out from a piece of metal paneling, a single ork standing guard, and finally, a bush as big as a nob, complete with a mohawk, chainaxe and dakka sticking out of it. The nob leader approached the lone ork suspiciously.
  24.  
  25. ”Wut da zog iz you doin here all by yerself…”
  26.  
  27. ”Da name’s Bakkymuld, an I wuz heer inspektun sushpishus aktivitees!”
  28.  
  29. ”Iz dat so, Bakkymuld?” he said the name as if it were a curse, ”An who exacktlee told ya ta stand gard, den?”
  30.  
  31. “Fingsmasha, sah.” Muldybakk said without missing a beat, the nob’s eyes becoming slits of suspicion. There was always one Fingsmasha in every tribe, no matter the size.
  32.  
  33. ”Fingsmasha is a roight clever git, boss. If’n he finks sumfins up, sumfins prolly up” one of the sluggas chimed in.
  34.  
  35. ”I’z didn’t ask fer yer openyun ya lousy grot!” the Nob reprimanded, enunciating his words with his powerklawed fist atop the offending ork’s accidentally killing him. He then continued with his interrogation, “So den, Bakkymuld, ya fink sumfin’s up?”
  36.  
  37.  
  38. ”Sumfin’s deffuhnitly up. Prolly dose zoggin panzee Scraplootas we’z chasin. Dey’s roight sneaky, dey is. Dey kuld be talkin to ya an you’z still kuldn’t spot ‘im. I’z gonna need ta see tha Warboss immediately about dis.”
  39.  
  40. This particular nob was well known amongst the tribe for being right clever, some even claimed he might just be a weirdboy. Something about this ork in front of him made him wary, so he pressed on with his questioning, thinking up a particularly devious question.
  41.  
  42. ”Who iz da warboss, den?”
  43.  
  44. ”You’z meen you’z don’t know?! I found da Scraploota! Get im boys!”
  45.  
  46. ”Any git who tries ta get me is gonna get get BY me, ya get it, ya gits?” He barked before continuing, ”I’z askin you if YOU know who da warboss iz. An ya betta answer reel kwick.”
  47.  
  48. ”Uhhh… ” and with that Muldybakk raised his dakka to fire, only to have his head shorn clean off by the swing of a chain axe. The nob roared with laughter.
  49.  
  50. ”Serch da korridor boys, dere kuld be more!”
  51.  
  52. Hearing that, Kargg sprung into action, smashing one slugga flat with his metal panel before getting cut down and shot to pieces with excessive glee, but not before Kargg sank his knife deep into the skull of the last slugga boy. Soon after, the nob found Torkka found hiding in his lucky blue kommando barrel, trying to appear as small and invisible as possible. By the time he noticed the nob noticing him, the nob had already started burning him to cinder in his own barrel.
  53.  
  54. ”I fink dats da last of em, boys. Good job all around” the nob declared to no one in particular, pleased with himself and his fresh bounty of teef. He was about to leave when a certain bush coughed.
  55.  
  56. ”Wait wun zoggin minnit, bushes don’t grow on ships!” the nob said in confusion, turning around to face down the intruder.
  57.  
  58. Now that he found himself in a jam, Snekkit tried to think about what Rockeata would say in this situation. He’d probably tap that funny tan “soo-far-ee” helmet of his and say something “In order ta katch da beast, you’z must first fink like da beast, an’ den you must fink like da trickiest an’ cleverest of all da beasts, an’ den you’z gotta eemahjun dat yer some git who’z tryin ta kaptcha wunna dem beasts an’ afore ya know it, you’z a roight hunta you iz“ or ”Ta dafeet da enemy, you must get in da ‘ead of da enemy, but wiffout bein a weirdboy. Why’z else do you fink so many bosses put skulls on deir bosspoles? It’z ta get in deir ‘eads!”. Snekkit never really got what he meant by that, but Rockeata always said it with such confidence that there was no way he was wrong. Maybe just hearing those words enough times without knowing what they meant was enough to make Snekkit at least half as Rockeata. Maybe.
  59.  
  60. ”Yes dey do, or else I wouldn’t be growin heer” Snekkit finally stated calmly.
  61.  
  62. ”Bushes dunt talk eitha! You’z gotta be one weirdbush ta be talkin like dat!” the nob kountered
  63.  
  64. ”Well’z maybe I’z not talkin at all an you’z just a crazy weirdboy.”
  65.  
  66. The nob gasped in shock at the thought, before coming to a realization, ”I’z kan’t be a weirdboy kuz my ‘ead ain’t splodin!”
  67.  
  68. ”Well neetha iz mine.”
  69.  
  70. ” You’z don’t even got a ‘ead!”
  71.  
  72. ”All da more reezon I kan’t be a weirdbush. I ain’t got no ‘ead to asplode.”
  73.  
  74. ”You’z got a fine point dere ya do…” The nob was beginning to have his doubts about this bush. There was something about it that he just couldn’t put his finger on…
  75.  
  76. ”Aha! Yer dakka an yer choppy! Try an explain dose!”
  77.  
  78. ”I’z a bush ya git! I’z grow fings.”
  79.  
  80. ”Wut kinda bush grows dakkas an choppyz?”
  81.  
  82. ”Da kind dat grows in a ship an talks” the bush reasoned.
  83.  
  84. ”Dat duz make sense, it do.” The nob stated, finally satisfied. He started to wander off again before he turned back around with an exclamation of ”Wait one zoggin minnit!”, making Snekkit tense.
  85.  
  86. ”You’z a bush dat grows dakka an talks, right?”
  87.  
  88. ”We just went over dis, zog it!”
  89.  
  90. ”No, no, I’z beleev you. It’z jus dat da boss needs ta see you right away! Follow me an’ dunt let anywun else near ya!” The nob rushed off excitedly with his new leafy friend in tow. The warboss wanted to loot that mega mega armored nob the Scraplootas had, so he needed all the edge he could get. A bush that grew dakka and could grow in ships would be a great boon for the tribe, though they’d have to do something about the cough. No telling what would happen if a bush like that got sick. At the very least the boss might be able to trade it to those Scraploota gits for their nob. Either way, there was no way the boss wouldn’t reward him for his cleverness today. Soon, he reached the ship’s boss hut and barged in.
  91.  
  92. ”Boss, boss!” He shouted excitedly, out of breath from the run
  93.  
  94. ”Wut iz it, ya lousy git?! Kan’t ya see I’z busy tryin ta catch dese slippery Scraploota gits.” the boss shouted back, his anger matching the nob’s excitement
  95.  
  96. ”Lookit wut I found boss, mebbe it kin help!”
  97.  
  98. ”Wut da zog iz dis supposed to be?” the warboss said as he inspected the weaponized foliage.
  99.  
  100. ”I’z da big bush, boss!”
  101.  
  102. ”Wut da zoggin zog wuz dat?!”
  103.  
  104. ”Dat’s just it, boss! Dis bush talks an’ grows dakka!”
  105.  
  106. ”It grows dakka?” the boss sought skeptically.
  107.  
  108. ”It grows dakka!” the nob assured enthusiastically.
  109.  
  110. ”I’z grow’z dakka.” the bush confirmed calmly.
  111.  
  112. ”Yes…yes…Dis mite be just what we need ta take da fite to dose Scraplootas.” the Warboss mused, ”Lure dem in wiff some stange dey seem ta love so much, and den krump da lot of em! You’z gettin a promotion, m’boy! Dat much is fer sure…wut’d you sey yer name wuz agin?”
  113.  
  114. ”Da name’s WHRRRGRRLLBLLGLBGUHGHGH” the nob tried to say through a throat full of chainaxe.
  115.  
  116. ”Wut da zog kinda name iz dat you lousy…git?” The boss trailed off, seeing his nob dead and no more big bush, but rather a mohawked nob wearing some kind of shawl with the Scraploota logo on it and smoking a cigarette.
  117.  
  118. ”Ya trecherous tree! I’z dun’t have time ta krump some git like you! You’ll par fer dis! You-you-” the warboss immediately stopped talking when Snekkit ripped off his shawl, revealing piles upon piles of stikk bombs, rokkits, and even some looted meltabombs strapped to every inch of his body, all wired to a big red button labled “zoggin big red buton“ he was holding in his hand.
  119.  
  120. “Sorry, boss.“ Snekkit said, “I’z a Scraploota“ he took a deep drag of his cigarette and exhaled a cloud of smoke. “an’ a Scraploota pays fer nuffink, ya hear!“.
  121.  
  122. Snekkit pressed the zoggin big red buton.
  123.  
  124. -----------------------------
  125.  
  126. Urtylug and Rockeata looked at the crews of mekboys salvaging the scrap left behind by the space hulk that just blew up behind them.
  127.  
  128. “Zoggin big boom, at leest“ Urtylug said, taking a pensive sip of squigtea.
  129.  
  130. “Roight propa ecksploshun.” Rockeata agreed distantly. “No wun wuz betta at blowin fings up den Snekkit. It ‘ad ta be ‘im who did it. Looks like Operashun: Blow It All ta Zog was a sukcess“
  131.  
  132. “At leest ‘e went out orky“ Urtylug tried to reassure his elite kommando.
  133.  
  134. “I shoulda been dere wiff da git.“
  135.  
  136. Zizzbitz hobbled up to the duo with a somber look on his. “Hate ta tell ya dis, Rockeata, but we kuldn’t find ‘im in da scrap. Luks like da ecksploshun took ‘im.“
  137.  
  138. Rockeata sighed. “Of kourse it did. Dat git wuldn’t be anywher else but da fick ov it. An ‘e neva did lern ta plan ‘is exit stratuhgees... It’z gonna be ‘ard ta find wun ta replace dat boy. ‘E may ‘ave been da sneakiest boy I ‘eva did train, but ‘e tried zoggin ‘ard. An ‘e was da only wun in dis entire getup who knew ‘ow ta properly respekt dose olda an wisa dan him. Da lousy git.“ Rockeata rambled off, chewing sullenly on a bit of spacerock.
  139.  
  140. Urtylug looked over at Rockeata leaving before turning back to Zizzbitz. “Neva seen da old basserd so sour afore. “
  141.  
  142. “Dat Snekkit nob wuz ‘is proteezay, even afore da Titan Run.“
  143.  
  144. “Troo, troo.“ Urtylug agreed, taking another thoughtful sip of his tea. “Guess I neva really realized ‘ow much dat nob followed ‘im around. Kinda like you an Blue.“
  145.  
  146. It was Zizzbitz’s turn to sigh. “Speekin of, I betta go tell dat wun da news.“ Zizzbitz dismissed himself and headed towards Boris’s Room, as the Loot-hava’s massive cargo bay turned titan holding bay and workshop had come to be known. He may have never liked the nob for always nicking his lucky grot and endangering her out in the field, but Snekkit was Blue’s favorite ork aside from Zizzbitz himself for those exact same reasons. When Zizzbitz got to Boris’s Room, all the orks were happily milling about after such a massive victory for such a small price. Orks and grots alike were buying and selling foods and beers, broadcasting music through Boris, getting first dibs at the scrap, having a right old orky rukuss. Still, it wasn’t long before he spotted her. Despite her diminuitive size, the blue Earth Caste Tau girl stuck out like a sore thumb amongst all the massive greenskins. He found her zipping about amidst the legs of unattentive orks and slipping through the many gatherings of grots, giggling and running amok, her pet squig Mr. Squig in tow aboard his Squigkopta: an orkified Tau Drone. Zizzbitz did his best to catch the hyperactive little bundle of blue.
  147.  
  148. “Catch me if you can, boss!” the diminutive honorary ork taunted between laughs.
  149.  
  150. “Zog it, Blue, stop fer a minnit! Dis iz important!“ Zizzbitz gasped, struggling to keep up.
  151.  
  152. “Not until ya catch me, boss! Them’s the rules!“
  153.  
  154. “Zog it ya springy little grot…“ Zizzbitz huffed. He needed to get him a new leg. Maybe one with wheels. Red wheels. Exasperated, he came up with a plan, “Look! It’z dat weerd Farsee!“
  155.  
  156. Blue gasped and froze in her tracks and began to look around frantically. “Zog! Where! I hate that git!“
  157.  
  158. Using his opening, Zizzbitz lept forward and scooped Blue up in a single massive hand, ignoring Mr. Squig crashing into Zizzbitz’s shoulder and tumbling out of his squigkopter. Blue squealed with delight as he set her down on the shoulder of a nob sitting nearby.
  159.  
  160. “Alright, alright, I give. You’s win, boss!“ Blue giggled “So what was so zoggin important, anyhows?“
  161.  
  162. “Lissen, Blue, it’z about Snekkit an’ da Operashun“
  163.  
  164. “He really krumped dose gits good! Best zoggin kommando dere is! ‘Cept for Rockeata, mebbe. Even then, he’s still my favorite.“
  165.  
  166. “Roight. About dat. Snekkit iz…“
  167.  
  168. “Snekkit is what, boss?“ She asked, eyes wide and innocent in rapt attention.
  169.  
  170. “Well, ‘e’s…“ This was going to be harder then he thought.
  171.  
  172. “He’s what?“
  173.  
  174. “I’z what, Zizzbitz?“ the nob Zizzbitz had set Blue on inquired, turning to look at the Big Mek and dragging a hand through his grimy mohawk.
  175.  
  176. “Y-you…you’z alive ya crazy git! Snekkit iz alive!“ Zizzbitz exclaimed in shock
  177.  
  178. “Of korse I’z alive. We kuldn’t be havin dis konvershayshun othawise.“
  179.  
  180. “Oiy Rockeata! Oiy Urtylug! Snekkit’s alive! I found dag it hidin roight unda our noses!“
  181.  
  182. Snekkit craned his neck more to meet Blue’s gaze “I fink da Big Mek lost ‘is marbles.“ Blue nodded in agreement.
  183.  
  184. Soon, the room was an even bigger mess of revelry and noise, as Rockeata and Urtylug rushed forth to personally congratulate Snekkit for his “Flawless exakyooshun of a kunnin and darin scheme of daring kunningness, as per keepin ta Scraploota tradishun“, much to the enjoyment of all the orks surrounding the affair. Snekkit proudly told his story and, looking at all the orks enthralled by his tale, begin to feel a little bit like Rockeata.
  185.  
  186. “So ya gotta tell us ya git, ‘ow da zog did ya manage ta avoid dat ecksplosion?!“ Rockeata pleaded, clapping his beloved pupil on the shoulder.
  187.  
  188. Snekkit ran his hand through his mohawk again as he looked up, contemplating something. Finally, he just shrugged and said “I jumped it.“ as if that explained everything. Then he gasped with realization and exclaimed “Oiy Boss! I nicked sumfink fer yer trophy case afore I left!“
  189.  
  190. Urtylug waited expectantly and eagerly as Snekkit wrestled with a bundle of leather. This would be the first time in his entire career the warboss had looted an ork mug. He couldn’t wait to drink from it and further mock that git who thought he could loot Boris the Titant from Boss Titanloota himself! He could only stare in confusion as Snekkit offered him the skinned face of the warboss. Blue tried to stifle her giggling, seeming to have caught on to something the rest of the tribe missed, as the whole cargo bay went silent.
  191.  
  192. “Daggit Snekkit, wut da zog is dis? It’z not even ‘is whole ‘ead!“
  193.  
  194. “But you don’t kollekt da ‘eads, Boss, you only kollekt da mugs. So I got you ‘is mug.“ Snekkit explained. Blue, unable to contain herself, howled boisterously with laughter that soon proved to be infectious until the warboss himself laughed loudly and openly.
  195.  
  196. “Zog it, Snekkit, you’z a roight git, throo an throo.“
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