Kian Is Broken
bythestars Jul 27th, 2019 25 Never
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- God, there was absolutely no way he could start explaining things to Cal without making him look like the asshole. But then again, he shouldn't be considered as anything but an asshole. For the most part he'd been cheating on is girlfriend. not one, not twice, but constantly. It didn't help his cause that he's argued the fact that he was slowly learning. Learning to make up for his mistakes. But no one who was actually growing into a better person repeats something they knew was wrong. And this is what made it so difficult for him to just open up. Not to just his sister, but to anyone. He knew that-- that it wasn't as easy as counting from one to three, but at the same time, he didn't think it would be this hard. There was a deep, seething hate inside of him, angered by the idea of being wrong. Eventually, he'd have to learn the fact that he'd either strap on a pair, or keep living the life he's always wanted to run away from. "We--" Eyes closed, hands reaching out to take a couple more tickets from students, even as some moved out of the exit, either laughing or crying, or maybe even a demented mix of both. "--I--" Corrected himself, because what happened, their reason for fighting, did not involve Kendra. She didn't have a hand in tearing apart the eight wonder of the world that was their relationship. "--I chea-- chea--" Pursed his lips. It really wasn't getting an easier, no matter how he tried. No matter what he told himself, or thought of. Google says that admission of guilt was much easier if it was ripped off quickly like a band-aid. It only sucked that Kian was actually afraid of band-aids. Because they hurt. Quite a lot. His hand hovered her leather jacket, somewhere near her shoulder, before it finally rested atop it. "--Cal I-- did something wrong. And-- I don't know how to fix it." The thin lips that were pursed formed into a pout. He knew that his sister was plagued by the horrors of life, and she's told them about her problems. A long time ago. Even if they weren't blood related, they grew up with each other, grew up and dealt with problems separately, so there was a choking guilt that nearly strangled the life out of Kian when he'd have to face and look his sister in the eyes. Both tiers trembled and his jaw seemed to have been so close to being dislodged from his face. Especially with the way that it trembled. Like straws were being grasped with no form of solace coming to any closure. Calliope Keller had it worse, Kian only created his own problems. He wasn't blind to the sins he's committed, nor was he blind to the weight that people around him carried. Yet, here he was, sobbing and crying to others like he'd been the victim of another situation that he himself created. So in the end, he held strong. Firm. Not a single peep of a whine left his lips. Instead, it was the first time he'd admit it. To anyone. "I-- I cheated on her." Pried his gaze away, because her judging eyes were not only horrifying, but they were painful. Perhaps out of everyone in the world, Calliope was the one who held him at such a high place. One that most people wouldn't be able to put. And now? Now he wasn't sure how that was going to hold up. "I cheated because--" Tossed a hand in front of him, nearly knocking over the pedestal of a ticket booth he had in the Haunted House station. "--because my stupid-- my stupid dick thought it was a good idea." Shook his head. "And it's not like Kendra isn't even putting out. She puts out. A lot!" His words spilled from him like a faucet that was left on. "--It's just that... that--" Nothing. NOTHING will ever sanctify, nor justify his actions. But he just wanted his sister to know why. "Every time I'm alone, I'm-- I'm reminded of what it was like back then. I'm reminded of how-- how people used to always get what they want. And I--" He sighed. "--I don't. And now? Now look at me!" But there was no pride. No joy. Nothing in his expression that would paint him of being even the slightest bit happy. "I have everything I wanted. Everything that I told Vince I've wanted since I high school--" Tossed the notebook he had on hand, crashing along the grass. Conveniently, it was opened to his drawings of him and Kendra. Ones that he made right after their first night together. "--and I'm not even happy." 33
- Often times there wasn't a proper place to begin an explanation, and perhaps it was just best if one started from a natural point of honesty. To forgo the bullshit and face saving, to cut deep into the meat of the subject and expose their inner truth. And Kian? He was scratching the surface of his issues. A little more desperation and effort might get him the desired answers he was searching for. The Keller siblings had their fair share of problems, just in different avenues. Cal was a survivor of the foster care system and the horror stories that came with it, leaving her with a chip on the shoulder that could be observed from space. She didn't trust others, always suspicious of their motives and when they would leap at the opportunity to use or abuse her. And to date, hadn't been disappointed on her arm length approach to navigating relationships outside of the family. High school had been a blur of suspensions and parent/teacher conferences about her attitude versus her GPA. She had been feared by her peers and faculty alike, all for the wrong reasons. The seasoning would be varying sex partners of different varieties like ice cream flavors, whatever felt ideal for the moment, but a single serving to avoid attachment. Jude had been an exception, and now everything hurt on the inside as if she had been sent through a Gauntlet in an underground fighting ring. Kian on the other hand, had been bullied almost daily and overlooked as a viable dating option by the female species. Vince, Marko and herself had championed him quite a bit -- but often this could make things worse instead of better. Her brother was just too damn nice and awkward, which while part of his charm, often put him in situations that caused him unimaginable harm on the physical and mental level. Throw in his unrequited love for Mary-Angela that had carried him up through his junior year of college, and you had a fairly good idea of his head space. Kian Keller on his own was a loser, a geek, and a whatever -- in his mind and to those that would never truly know him. But to the people that counted? He was talented, kind and loyal. Perhaps the latter was a little in question given the <b>cheating</b> admission. Yet Cal still felt the term applied to him. He was stubbornly and ridiculously loyal, to the dream in his heart when people didn't think he could do it (look at the Arcade Kids go!) and to those he cared about (even if they were fuck ups and psychopaths.) Hazel orbs studied the contortion of her brother's features as he struggled to voice aloud what he had done, sparing her the details on the who or more. It was not something that she'd ever think would sneak past his lips, and while a pang of disappointment struck a chord in breast.. fingers rose to close over those that clutched at her shoulder for anchor. "I"m sorry," not the expected words for anyone to say in reply to being told the person they respected most was a cheater, "I never thought.. that.. all that.. <b>bullshit</b> would follow you." And that's what it was at the end of the day. Kian had his own form of trauma and self-destructing nature to contend with. It made sense, considering all those times he had been beaten to a near pulp in the locker room or ridiculed in the cafeteria over entertaining the notion he had been worth considering as a date for some social function. Cal felt awful for not recognizing the pain in his soul, somehow believing all this time that he was <b>gold</b> versus her <b>rust</b>. Ignoring the toss of notebook, the wobbling of pedestal and any curious looks.. slender appendages would weave around neck and waist to draw him into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, Kian," voice softer that time in his ear, husky with emotion that was dangerously close to the surface of making her cry for him. There was a flex of muscle, effectively squeezing him in a circle of firm warmth. "I'm so sorry that anyone ever made you feel.. invisible, ugly, unwanted, less than," the list could go on, "and that it still haunts you. It chokes and suffocates you." Because honestly? That was a sensation Cal was all too familiar with, on so many different levels of fucked up. "It makes you do things, that you don't want to do," all those fights, smashed property, drinking, and sexual partners. "Because maybe, just maybe.. something.. will fill that ache. That hollowness inside. But it doesn't, because you're just hurting those that care about you and yourself," and that was the real rub. Cal had seen the pain and disappointment too much in their eyes, which was why she was trying so desperately to be different. To be the daughter and sister the Kellers deserved.
- The hardest part about growing up, was growing up with people like Cal, or Vince, or Marko, or even Mary-Angela. Because all of them, at one point or another, had their way. They had their way, and it would seem like they'd have it until their dying breath. And while being with them was both a blessing and a curse, often times Kian felt like it was the latter. Forever submitted to the jealousy that he would have no way of shaking off no matter how desperately he tried to act as if it didn't bother him. But it did. He'd spent a good portion of his time wishing, hoping that people wouldn't treat him as differently as they did. That someday he'd be like everyone else. Before, when Kian would be inflicted with the unnerving sadness of reality, he'd throw himself deep into his comic books, pretending that someday, he could be one of them. He could make a name for himself, someone people would look up to. Someone that people would look back to and say; Hey, that guy was great. There was no way he could let go of the past. It seemed to be a herculean task for the male. Chained to forever be intertwined with the past that tortured him mentally, as well as physically. Definitely not at the same rate as Cal was. She had it worse. Much worse. But jealousy had always been his thing. And perhaps it always will be. Don't even get him started on Mary-Angela. She was an infatuation. An unhealthy one fueled by his need for physical contact, and the need to just be told that he was liked. By the opposite gender. Sure it was about having himself feel and look good, but what person didn't feel that way at least once in their life? He just took it to the extreme. And with that extremity, it led him to throwing away one of the most important things in his life. Just because he thought nights with multiple women would mean he could finally, finally make up for lost time. Spoiler [FILTERED] it didn't. It just made things worse. Like he's never learned from his mistakes. Unlike Cal, GPA's were never his problem. Kian could be considered a genius. Intellectually, at least. When it came to being smart emotionally, however, he was far too selfish. He didn't mean to be. It's not like he goes out of his way just to hurt people. Stupidity just worked like that sometimes. And as those thoughts clouded his mind, his judgement, it felt as if the Carnival was not even around him. Even as he was absent-mindedly taking tickets. One after the other. Looks of judgement being shared between him and his sister. Some of them even managed to recognize the two, but seemed too shy --or weary-- to speak up about it. Kian actually appreciated that. Because he had zero clue on how he was supposed to approach it from here on out. The sudden success of Arcade Kids was fulfilling. It truly was. Especially because it was something he had been passionate about since he was younger. Music was an escape, but so were the comic books he dug deep into when he wouldn't be writing songs, or roleplaying on some sketchy website. If only he could find success in being a comic artist as well. Maybe in due time. "There's absolutely nothing that you have to be sorry about." His words were weak, holding on to whatever last limbs that he could possibly hold on to. Just to say a few words to his sister. Just so she didn't have to stop looking up at him and look at him for the monster that he actually is. "I figured this day-- this day would come." He shrugged, but not dismissively, but because he was no longer sure what else was there for him to do. Cal could see it, he could see it. His relationship with Kendra was practically over. And-- what scared him was the idea that it might have been for the best. Soon, his sister would be wrapping her arms around him, one around the neck, the other around his waist. Kian didn't wasit any time in burying his nose against the crook of her neck, both his hands on his sides as his tears began to fall. He knew just how much she hated contact. It didn't matter who it was, she wasn't one to like hugs. So the expression was powerful, sending him into a deep despair, a burst of tears streaming forth like they've been locked away for so long. But they haven't. If one truly knew Kian Keller, it would not come as any surprise to them that he'd be sobbing away for the fifth time within 24 hours. Her words buried deep into his chest, sinking farther than his heart would have let it. But it was difficult not to take his sister's words by heart, because she was a person who valued honesty. Which meant that nothing she said was made to butter him up, instead, each and every single one came from the bottom of what most people might think to be a dark heart. But no. Calliope Keller had a heart of Gold. "I just don't know what to do anymore, Cal." And that was God's --well, Kian's-- honest truth. Finally out of things to pull from his sleeves, out of excuses, out of words, and out of luck. Like Icarus flying too damn close the sun. What was he supposed to do? Walk up to Kendra and apologize? Pretend like nothing happened, just so he could do it again? That's not how it worked, not how it's supposed to work. That was exactly how the male dug his grave in the first place. But since the fight that broke them, since Billie released the videos, the texts, and the images. since Jenelle, since Gemma, what Kian thought was gratitude and his dues finally coming to light, was actually nothing but severance he was saving up for what was eventually the death of the one thing that actually gave him happiness. His relationship with Kendra. Kendra. If only he wasn't so stupidly blinded by the idea of overcoming the past. He would have seen it. He should have seen it. And as tears continued to pour, his hand moved over to her back, pulling the blonde closer to him. Short and quick sniffles devolved into heavy grunts of pain and anguish. Like he could just drop to the floor like jelly. He loved Kendra, still does. Unfortunately there was that fear that she no longer felt the same. And she had every right not to. Every right not to love a monster. Slowly, he'd remove himself from the hug that bonded him and his sister, desperately wiping away at the wet salty liquid dripping from his eyes. The redness of nose was noted not only by him, and Cal, but also by the people entering the Haunted House. Sometimes, they'd even share a pitied glance Kian's way. He'd ignore them, but only because he couldn't come to grips about thinking of anything else, but. "Thank you-- Cal-- Calliope." He whispered, pulling her head close to him, planting a firm kiss on top of her head. "I just don't-- don't know what to do nowadays, it's-- I can't handle it anymore." Nodded a few times, with his head hanging low, and hands finding warmth within pockets of his jeans. A long sniff was made, because snot was going to start pouring if he didn't. And he knows it's his sister, but she'd still find a disgusting sight if that happened. Moved over to the tossed notebook and picked it up, even brushing away the dust it had accumulated in the short amount of time that it was tossed away. Placed it on top of the pedestal and paused. A real pause. No words, no drama, nothing. Just Kian and his sister. Nowadays, it hasn't been like it. Silently, internally, he's told himself maybe it would be healthy that they talked about their problems again. Instead of pretending they didn't exist since the start of College. And in that moment, Kian smiled. Perked up and approached her. "Okay-- that's-- heh--" Forced chuckle. "--that's enough of that. I'm sure you're just sick of my stupid love life at this point." Crouched to pull the bag hidden underneath the curtained flaps of the Haunted House entrance. It's where he kept his backpack, since the lockers were just a touch too expensive for him to rent. Besides, no one was ever going to find it anyway. "Okay, so you-- uh--" Sniffle. "--you know Jude right?" Of course she does. Kian just found it difficult to not say stupid shit. "He uh-- oh man--" Unzipped the backpack and fished something from out of it. A small metal case. Tinier than a jewelry box, definitely. No bigger than a quarter. Kian handed it to her, hand coming up to wipe the excess tears still. "He wanted-- he wanted me to give you this--" And for once he actually laughed. Because the conversation between him and Jude was-- actually hilarious. "--he said that-- I should give it to you since-- he would have hated to be proven right. Uh-- a-a-about you missing him. With all the crying and the kissing..." He knows Jude was just teasing, and Cal would too. If she ever opened it, it would be a guitar pick, dark sapphire in hue, and in the middle would be the letter "J" embossed in gold. "I was actually so glad to find out that-- that someone cares about you, Cal." So, so glad.
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