a guest Feb 17th, 2020 82 Never
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- I'm gonna be honest. I've kinda just given up on the majority of what people tell me I'm worth. The only thing I can see in myself that's actually worth it, might be my motivation to write or my eyes. Other than that, I don't really see a point in existing or being worth it to anyone. That's a lot to start off with in this channel, but it's how I'm feeling at the moment and this channel was made specifically for me to let out my emotions however I needed to. I tend to push my problems to the side and cover it up with a pen and paper, then move on and forget about it after.
- I've had friends tell me I'm everything they've ever aspired to be. I've had friend tell me I'm an inspiration to them as a person. I've had friends be there for me when I needed it most, too. Those same people though, are the reason that I'm in the mental state I am. Those same people are the people who stabbed me in the back and drove me to the group countless times. Because of that I tend to keep my social circle small and the few who I let in I have trouble trusting.
- My experience has always been that trust doesn't pay off in the end. I've never been proven wrong, and I've never been proven that trust can pay off in a positive way. When I close my eyes at night the only thing I can think of are the negative experiences throughout my life. The negative experiences outweigh the positive ones by a considerable amount.
- I'm always self-conscious about what I do around other people. I'm self-conscious about how I look, how I talk, how I walk, how I fiddle my fingers or if I'm making proper eye contact as said person talks to me.
- I'm insecure about my acne too. I feel like it drags me down as a person, and makes it so people see me different, treat me differently. All because I don't have clear skin. Because of that, I tend to chew my nails as a nervous tick. Now it's at the point where every time I'm nervous, I tap into that tick and it ends up just hurting myself if anything.
- So when I see people relate to what I go through, my instinct is to help them. Because I know what they're going through, I know their pain and I wouldn't want anyone to go through any of that. But then that leads to putting everyone before myself, and then I tend to sink lower into depression or whatever you wanna call it. I know that sound selfish, but it's the truth. I tend to put others before myself way too much.
- It'd be nice if I had a safe place to go to where I can relax as well, some people call that "home."
- I don't have a home.
- My home happens to be a brick building filled with individuals I'm supposed to call family.
- My "family" puts me down on the daily. Tells me that I'm never going to amount to shit, I'll never finish high-school and that I deserve the absolute worst. My father calls me a faggot and a disappointment because I'm bi-sexual, threatens to hit me and kick me out if I talk back. He expects me to let him him instantly because he's my father. He wasn't there for 16 years of my life, because he was bringing in the money for the family, so my mother raised us. He doesn't understand that after all that time, he can't waltz back into my life and tell me what to do willy nilly.
- My Mother isn't as bad, she just snaps on me for every little thing that goes wrong, even if it's not my fault. I work, I go to group, I write music, I go to school. I'm busy guy, I rarely have any time to myself. She expects me to do all that, and on-top of that do whatever she asks as soon as she asks it. Most of the time when I'm talking to you guys, I'm doing other shit and being yelled at at the same time..
- Because of that, I have to fake a smile and act like everything's okay when I'm in the chat. Truth is, it's really not. My life is hell. Nothing at the moment is going right, and I've always had the mentality in the back of my head to keep my head up and never let nothing put me down. But my neck is getting tired man, I'm about to just let my head hang low and sink into drugs.
- It's at the point where the only time I smile, or laugh, is when I'm high. I smoke quality weed too, like 130 an ounce for STRONG weed that puts me on my ass usually, or would. That shit is starting not to work.
- I'm scared man.
- I don't want to sink into something stronger, but it seems like my other release/escape from everything.
- This server is pretty chill, but there are members who really ruin the experience for me, and probably a bunch of others too. It's not perfect, I understand that, but it's kind of excessive.
- Oh well, sorry. I'll stop spamming now. :skull:
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