Collection of TIFUs

TIFU by giving my husband and kids a golden shower.!
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So naturally this didn’t actually happen today, and this isn’t my story, but my coworker has given me permission to share her story in first-person as she doesn’t use reddit but this is an amazing fuckup. Here it goes.

My husband and our two kids (two boys aged 4 and 6) were on our way back from an amusement park nearby. We literally were there from open to almost close (10 A.M. to 8 P.M.), and of course, we had taken the interstate to get home as fast as possible. This is where our fuckup began.

What we had forgotten about, somehow, was that on this stretch of interstate close to our house, they are currently trying to extend two lanes into three. The traffic, even at this time of night, is almost at a dead stop because of construction. This was when I realized that I shouldn’t have drank four souvenir cups of soda without using the restroom... at the amusement park.

So now, we are in traffic, and it’s at a dead stop. I turn to my husband and tell him I have to pee; to which he replies that we can’t stop because the shoulders are closed during construction. I started to panic; realizing I was going to piss my pants. That is, until, I realized my kids had empty McDonald’s cup.

I reach back and grab one, and at this point the traffic had cleared, but we still are 20 minutes away from home, and we live in a rural area, so there’s no where to stop, and the construction goes all the way up to our exit. I finally make the decision to piss in the cup, to my husband’s horror.

I took the top off of the cup, and dumped the rest of the soda out of the window. The wind whipped it against the car, but didn’t hit me or the kids. If it had, we may not be here today.

I wiggles out of my shorts and got the cup down there, sliding over the edge of my seat so that I could piss. I relieved myself at an awkward angle; until I realized... Shit. I’m going to overflow the cup.

Before I did so, panicking, I lifted the cup up, prepared to poor that out the window too. This was my fuck up. My awful fuck up. You see, I thought the piss would go out just like the soda. I didn’t, however, realize that now my hand was at a different angle, and we were going much, much faster than before.

I felt the piss mist immediately hit me in my face. My husband automatically started groaning, and my kids immediately started screaming. My oldest asked, ‘Mommy, what was that?!’ And all I could do was look at him and say ‘Buddy, I am so sorry’. Still, I had to piss. I went for round two with the cup as my husband laughed and cried, and my youngest started bawling. He actually got the brunt of it because he was right behind my chair.

This time I wasn’t going to throw it out the window, but my husband told me to do it because it might spill in the car and make everything worse. He told me to throw it out in the BACK of the window this time.

I did it again. Everyone got a second golden shower. My oldest thinks it’s hilarious and the youngest doesn’t remember. I know I am disgusting and I have learned my lesson.

TL;DR I drank too much soda at an amusement park, pissed in a cup in the car, tried to toss piss out the window, sprayed my whole family.

Edit: I know, I accidentally put a period and an exclamation mark. Mobile post and I can’t edit the title :) Also thank you for the gold!!!


TIFU by closing my eyes when leaning in for the kiss.
S
Right so, I'm gonna keep it short and sweet.

I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks now and I really like her, she told me she really likes me too. Fast forward to yesterday, I'm with my group of friends and she joins me, she's cuddled up to me for a good couple of hours. It's all good, we're laughing and having fun.

For some background information, I'd never actually properly kissed anyone up until yesterday. The last kiss was around 4 years ago and even then it was nothing more than a peck. So I am terribly inexperienced.

So we're chilling, its quieter and my friends had gone to their classes. We look at each other, she looks at my lips, I look at hers and we both lean in. Everything I've been thinking about leads to this very moment. I close my eyes, and I miss.

I kiss to the side of her lips, just into the start of her cheek. We both open our eyes and we realise what I've just done. I retract back into a cocoon and she starts laughing insanely hard. This goes on for a good minute. That was a long minute.

She told me she knew I was inexperienced and she kissed me. She taught me how to kiss and said I was a fast learner.

TL;DR - leaned in for the first kiss. I missed her lips.

I now have a girlfriend. Later virgins.



TIFU by overestimating my tolerance to weed by a LONGSHOT.
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TL;DR I took too many edibles, tripped out.

Obligatory it was yesterday yadda yadda yadda.

So to start off I would like to say that I smoke weed about 3-4 times a week. I smoke maybe a gram, or more with friends. I have never smoked so much that I lost control of myself, or couldn't function. I have never thrown up from smoking too much, so I would like to consider myself a heavy weight. However, I had never tried edibles.

I decided to make some at home, because I like cooking, and I decided to make an omelet with canabutter. The recipe said around 4 grams of high THC concentrated grams of weed. I grow my own, and pride myself on a cannabis plant with high THC content, but 4 grams for 1 WHOLE CUP of butter and half a cup of water?!?!? That seemed absurd, and I was eating w a friend, so I used 4 grams for 1/4 cup of butter and 1/4 cup of water, thinking I will just be careful with dosing. I invited A, as in ONE, friend over, (let's call him Jason)and we made the omelet. I added about 2 tablespoons of the cannabutter, blended and cooked for a long amount of time I might add, or approximately half into the actual egg mixture (4 eggs and a couple table spoons of sour cream w some spices). I then added a very little bit to melt on the pan, but I thought it couldn't hurt so I added more. Also, the whole time I was thinking my friend would help me finish it.

I made the omelet, we dug in, and then we quickly drove to a nearby chili's because we knew they were strong, and we didn't want to drive under the influence. I got there, and barely ordered our water when everything hit me all at once. I felt like the air became corn syrup. The waitress was standing right next to me, and then I blinked, and I swear on my mother she just teleported to the other side of the table. My friend was obviously also high as a kite. It's hard to explain how high I was, and then I played some games on the little Ipad they had. I sat there, and I kept thinking about how I had to say something or else it would be awkward. Then I started freaking out when one of my other friends got here(I'll go with Clarissa), I had invited her prior but she does not partake in weed. I forgot my Jason was there, because in my mind I only had one friend sitting down w me at Chili's. Then I turned an saw my Jason, and he was just smiling. He said he felt like there were hooks in his cheeks holding his smile up, but it felt good. I asked Clarissa whether or not she felt as if the service was taking forever, but she told me she just sat down. I felt like she was gaslighting me, because I could have sworn we were there for like a couple hours. I said I needed to take a piss, so I started walking to the bathrooms. That is when I walked into the girl's restroom. Luckily nobody was there, but I was so confused until I realized it was the women's restroom due to the lack of urinals. After washing my hands in what felt like water so hot it was freezing cold I went back to my table. As I sat down, both of my friends were gone. I thought, in my state, they had somehow gotten lost at the table, I honestly don't know how but I distinctly remember thinking that I had to find them or else they would be lost forever. I found my way back to our car, and they were in there. I started knocking and telling them to let me in, but for some reason they wouldn't. Sick of their shit, I started slamming, saying," If you fuckers don't let me in I will break this glass." Then, to my intense horror I realized this was in fact not our car, but somebody else's. I went back inside and sat down, my friends were there. They said they just watched me walk up to the table, say," I gotta find them." and then walk outside. I can confidently say I was high even the next morning, which freaked me out even more. Safe to say I will follow recipes to the T from now on.

Edit: Now I'm kinda mad I used my throwaway account for this.



TIFU by accidentally taking bullets to airplane
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Posted this before on different account but got deleted for reasons.

So not today but 6 years ago.

Be me, 17 years old boy from Finland about to spend entire june in Texas Austin for buisness and pleasure. And there was this friend of dads who had few guns, nothing major but when you are 17 and live in a country with very strict gun laws (which im glad of) of course I wanted to have a go at a shooting range. So it gets arranged and day before my departure back home we go there, shoot guns and thats that.

Next morning I do my final packing and decided what do i take into my backpack as hand luggage and what goes into cargo. Since this was 10 hour flight i decided to wear jeans but pack my shorts to my hand luggage in case its gets too hot (make a mental note of this). So i go through the checks in Austin, board the plane and all goes well. Since there are no direct flights from US to Finland I had to switch planes in London and there they do new security checks. when i went through that they pulled my backpack out of the line and opened it. "ok, just a random security check" i thought, but after 2 minutes one of the security persons came to me and said "we found bullets from your backpack"

This bit of information triggered flashbacks which all played within a second in my head. First from the day at the shooting range where im holding leftover bullets from 9mm and since we were going to try shooting the assault rifle there was no need for them so I just put them into my pocket to hand back afterwards, and remember the mental note you made about me deciding to pack my shorts to my backpack, yeah... i forgot to give the bullets back. After this realization i preceeded to shit my pants. If i had gained any color from that sweet Texas sun i lost it all in that moment and panic attack was about to set in. I really dont recall what happened in those next few seconds but they directed me to nearby bench to wait and let them sort it out. Now i was trying to keep calm but I also was really scared what was to come and all kinds of scenarios were going through my head. Since they had not put me in chains or being actively guarded I decided to call my dad who was experienced traveller and i figured he knew what I should do and what was to come.

"you are now a terrorist suspect! you are going to spent your night in custody and miss the next flight" to sum up our conversation. Now my dad has always had a tendency to exaggarate situations in order to emphasize his point, and in retrospect this was clearly one of those moments but since I was already freaking out and had already had thoughts along those lines I believed him and continued to shit in my pants. I ended the call and waited. 10 minutes later airport officer came to me and told me to explain the situation. I somehow managed to remain calm and told him everything and he seemed to believe me since his only question was that how in the hell did they not flag those bullets in Austin's airport. I still dont know the answer.

Now whether it was my story, my age, my snow white skin (since im Finnish) or all of them combined they let me go with a formal warning which I had framed and put onto my rooms wall for display where it remains to this day. Yet I think the best part of all this is the fact that I had 3 bullets in those pockets THEY ONLY FOUND TWO!!! and i have the third one also in my room.

Aftermath: while i did recieve only a formal warning strange things have happened after that. You see for some reason when me or my family members travel by plane their backs always seem to get pulled aside and searched thoroughly which my dad always reminds me of since he travels a lot. also those few times I have taken a plane somewhere when staff checks my information they first give this strange look at their monitors which then raises up to meet my eyes only to quickly look elsewhere when they see me looking back at them. EVERY TIME.



TL;DR - airport staff found bullets on me during security checks after a day at the shooting range. now im marked by airport security probably for the rest of my life.



TIFU for shopping at Walmart
S
So I took my son to Walmart the other day to get a few things. It's a neighborhood Walmart and they have a large row of self- checkout machines. When it's just the two of us together, we have a habit of making inappropriate comments to each other for fun, and usually it's in the car or out of earshot of others.

So I'm checking out, thinking my son is standing right behind me. I hear the machine say "Thank you for shopping at Walmart.". I immediately respond to the machine "Thank you for shopping at my butt crack" in a way that only a 9 year old boy would appreciate.

Just then the lady at the checkout lane next to me walks past at me and gives me an angry, shocked stare. At this point it occurs to me I'm still scanning my own groceries. So, that means I just responded to the announcement on her machine instead of my own, and she heard me loud and clear. And of course my son is nowhere in sight so I just look like some 40 year old dude standing there acting like a moron.

TIFU #2 was telling my son about this. He found it hilarious as expected. However he now slips "Thank you for shopping at my butt-crack" into as many conversations with me as he can. He also tells me the kids at school find it funny as well.

TL;DR Told some lady at Walmart, "Thank you for Shopping at my butt crack"



TIFU by getting my friend to buy me weed.
S
So short story but this happened earlier today.

I live about an hour away from my dealer (illegal country) that I started using when I lived in that town for University. I generally drive down there every now and then to pick up or get a uni friend to pick up for me however it is currently Uni holidays and he couldn't. One of my other buddies works down that way and is in quite a good position where he works but I wasn't sure exactly what he did.

So I organise the deal for them as I do and about 1 minute later after the deal goes down i get a message from both of them. My buddy: "you're dealer is employee lol" Dealer: "dude that was my boss. Like the big boss"

So turns out my dealer works under my friend and I made one of the most awkward drug deals ever to occur happen. Sorry guys. I don't think anything bad will happen from it for either of them but awkward nonetheless.

TL;DR I got my friend who is very high up in his job to buy weed from my dealer who unbeknownst to me worked below him making it an awkward drug deal.



TIFU by not eating enough, skipping my allergy meds, and not having my A/C cleaned, resulting in near death and a voice that sounds like the love child of Herbert the Pervert and Kermit the Frog.
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Warning: Long post and posted by phone. Please forgive formatting.

This all happened in my late teens to early 20s. I was new to adulthood, and determined to survive on my own. I almost didn’t.

Some background: As a kid, I didn’t have much to brag about. I was smart enough to get A’s most of the time, but there were some B’s and even a couple C’s. Not athletic in the least. The girls didn’t like me. The boys liked to pick on me. Even the teachers didn’t like me much (don’t tell my parents, but that was their fault). I only really had three talents that I was proud of. The first talent has no relevance to the story. I’m a natural contortionist. The other two: I could imitate almost any voice or sound I heard, and I could sing. Like... really sing. I was pretty much destined to make my fortune through my voice, and that was what I fully intended to do after graduating high school. That’s where this starts.

I enrolled in some vocal classes and moved into my very first apartment. I worked as a cook at a nearby hotel to pay the bills. The smell of food all day long (sometimes 16+ hours/day) left me with very little appetite. I started noticing my weight drop, and almost cried with relief that I wasn’t the fat kid anymore. My mom voiced some concern over my weight loss, but I blew that off. All moms try to over feed their kids after they leave the house, right? Besides, this is the same woman who always told me “If you can pinch an inch, you’re too fat.” I could still pinch. She also voiced concern over my energy levels. I brushed that off to a busy schedule with work, school and church. I’m surviving, and I’m doing it on my own.

My dad, on the other hand, seemed more concerned about the heating and air conditioning in my apartment. “You need to have them come clean that. It shouldn’t smell like that.” I ignored him. He works in HV/AC. Of course he’s going to obsess over a unit that’s not up to his standard.

Lastly, I hate going to the pharmacy. At this point, I have no car, which means I have to walk to CVS if I need anything. Again, my energy levels are down. I can deal with my allergies better than I can deal with that walk.

I had been living like this for a few months before things started rolling downhill. It started with an irritating cough that was unusually persistent. I dealt with it for a month before I went to get allergy meds, but the meds didn’t work. My vocal instructor started getting concerned, and told me not to come back until cleared by my doctor. I set an appointment for the following Monday. Boss at work hears my cough getting worse that same night, and tells me to go home and not come back without a doc’s not. It’s only Thursday. Looks like I have a 3 day weekend. Fun!

Not fun. I go to bed early, completely exhausted, but wake up to a coughing fit in the middle of the night. I get up to get some water, but fall right back down. I can’t stop coughing, I’m dizzy, everything hurts, and I’m weak as fuck. I tried to get up again, but everything turned red, then black. When I regained consciousness, I reached for my brick (good old Nokia) and dialed 911. I couldn’t speak. I don’t remember much how it went down, but the police had to break my door, and I got my first ride in an ambulance.

I was in the hospital for eight weeks. Malnourishment had resulted in a weakened immune system. Uncontrolled allergies had apparently weakened it further. I had contracted legionnaires disease that was traced back to my air conditioner. The disease had already advanced to bilateral pneumonia. I had developed mild pulmonary fibrosis, and would later find out that I had damaged my trachea.

My voice went from a rich, clean baritone to a hollow wheeze that would eventually improve to something that sounds like a cross between Herbert the Pervert and Kermit the Frog (Thank you for that comparison, random bitch that I had just met). I dropped my classes. That’s not a good sound for a vocalist, and seeing as I only have a fraction of the lung capacity I used to have, my singing career never happened. I can still do decent karaoke, but no one would ever pay to listen to me, and it can be exhausting to get through a couple songs. I will never get a record deal. Music sometimes makes me depressed because of what I lost.

Also, I can’t even imitate my own voice now, much less all the other sounds and voices I once did, so my backup dream of doing cartoon voiceovers is also out. But I can still fool people into thinking there’s a cat in the room (And there was one instance of a cat fooling my boss into thinking I was in the room.)

As for chronic health problems, I still haven’t gotten rid of that damned cough, and any aerobic exercise drains me really quickly. I also have a squeaky toy somewhere in my chest. You can hear it when I exercise.

TL;DR: I tried to be an adult, ignored adult advice, got really sick because of it, nearly died, and traded a promising future in music for a voice that makes me cringe and chronic health problems.

Moral of the story: Eat healthy. Don’t ignore your allergies. Make sure you AC unit is well maintained. And don’t think making it on your own means you have to actually do everything on your own.



TIFU by looking at my mother-in-law’s Amazon cart.
S
Welp. I fucked up, y'all.

I was shopping around for books on psychology for some personal research and clicked on an affiliate link to a book, which brought me to Amazon. I started looking around and realized that  my recently viewed products were kinda strange. Nothing really weird, just...not items I had been looking at recently. My first thought is that maybe my wife logged in as me and she was looking at things. Then I looked at the Hello Username and noticed that I was logged in as my mother-in-law, probably because my wife and I share Prime Video so sometimes we log in to connect devices.

No big deal.  Then I saw that her shopping cart had one item.  Worried that the affiliate link had added my book to her cart, I proceeded (with the best intentions) to View Cart. Of course I didn’t want her to think I was buying stuff using her money. Woe betide me at that instant.

Now my mother-in-law is a wild lady, so I’m not necessarily surprised that I saw it. But I didn’t want to see it. I shouldn’t have seen it. I plead with God and the Universe each night to take the memory away.

The singular item in her cart was a pair of

black
lacy
crotchless panties
No amount of bleach or hellfire will ever cleanse my soul or burn away the mental images that arose from the dark places of my mind in that moment.

And what did I learn?

Unprepared, my mind will imagine (in shocking detail) atrocities fit for r/cursedimages.

Make sure I’m always signed in as me on Amazon.

Always.
TL:DR

I forgot I was logged into my mother-in-law's Amazon account and saw the accouterments of her bedroom exploits.

Edit: Please do not misconstrue my vividly shocked imagination for judgement. Everyone needs fulfillment in their lives and sex can be a facet of that. While I love my mother-in-law dearly, there is no part of my being that wants to know about her sex life. I garuntee that the feeling is mutual.



TIFU by trying to drive away from the tire shop with only three wheels on my car
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I was having my tire repaired at a small shop and they took it off curbside outside the bays. After quite awhile, the mechanic came in to tell me he was almost finished and showed me what had punctured my tire. The guy at the counter kept me chatting for what felt like a lot longer and then I finally paid and left. It was lightly raining and I was anxious to get away from The Flirt, but when I turned on the car and pressed the gas, nothing seemed to happen. I tried again, again nothing. I looked over and saw a mechanic looking incredulous, just shaking his head in slow motion. So I got back out, walked around to the other side of the car, and discovered that they weren’t done working and I had tried to drive away with the jack still holding it up. I walked to a nearby shopping center in the rain to wait just to avoid the guy who saw me.

TL;DR I thought my car was finished but when I tried to drive away I found out it was still jacked up and missing a wheel.



TIFU calling the police on myself
M
So like most TIFU, this was not today rather about a year and a half ago. I was home with my cousin and my girlfriend at the time and it was on the later side of midnight. We’re all chatting playing some games whatever, point is No one is sitting around “getting fucked up” per se. I say that because I used to be prescribed adderall, 65 mg a day. And 4 mg of Xanax as well to “balance me” (I’ve since gone through detox/rehab after having a seizure). Now even though I wasn’t pounding beers, I wasn’t 100% thinking straight, or even 50% thinking straight. Especially because I barely used to ever sleep, maybe 3 nights a week. So I was sleep deprived.

Back to the meat of the story...

My living room has a large window that over looks my front yard and my drive way. I can’t really help but look out if every time I walk around in my living room. One of those times I could swear out the corner of my eyes I saw “two masked men” crouching near the back of my car.

“These fuckers have got to be stealing my tires” (I don’t live in the best town and right near a pretty ghetto area this isn’t too out of the realm of possibilities). My gf and cousin start to console me “Nobody is there babe” “bro noones touching your fuckin car” I said ok, and moved on. 30 mins later I see these same fuckers trying to steal my tires, or so I thought. I don’t tell anyone what I see.

I head for the wide open front door at full speed after making a secret call to 911 in the fucking bathroom.

I’m sprinting full speed and BOOM, glass shatters breaks everywhere and I’m laying in the bed of glass outside my house now.

The screen door (with glass in it) was locked shut and so god damn clean I didn’t see the thing, went right through it. My gf is terrified, my cousin is laughing his ass off at my stupidity. I was having none of it, took me a few minutes to get up and I get right back to looking for the fuckers that we’re stealing my tires. Turns out those fuckers didn’t exist, I was just sleepless on adderall and Xanax for 3 nights and beginning to hallucinate from it.

As I turn the corner of my yard I hear some doors close and run towards them, it was those fuckers. The cops walking from their car see my insane ass and safely assume I’m the one that person called about. They tackle me on my front lawn. I resisted a bit and got my ass kicked a little, and well deserved. As this is going on my gf is crying her eyes out, begging them to stop. I didn’t have my ID on me like an idiot. So they had no way to really prove I lived there. Until my hysterical gf, in a moment of genius, grabs some mail of mine and my old passport, shows the matching names, the police stop the beating to think. And here I am.

In the end, I didn’t go to jail, my gf made another good decision and is now my ex, and I got clean through detox. What a fucking night though.

TL;DR Call cops to arrest men I hallucinated. Get my ass beat by the cops and run through a glass door as my gf cries then saves the day