Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones (2019)

1
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,112
<i>♪ I was dreaming
When I wrote this ♪</i>

2
00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:32,449
<i>♪ Forgive me if it goes astray</i> ♪

3
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,953
<i>♪ But when I woke up this morning ♪</i>

4
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:40,373
<i>♪ Could've sworn it was Judgment Day ♪</i>

5
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:46,046
<i>♪ Sky was all purple ♪</i>

6
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:49,132
<i>♪ There were people running everywhere ♪</i>

7
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,344
And this is the bar of the whole song.
Prince say...

8
00:00:53,803 --> 00:00:56,848
<i>♪ Trying to run from my destruction ♪</i>

9
00:00:57,307 --> 00:01:00,393
<i>♪ You know I didn't even care ♪</i>

10
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,481
Good people of Atlanta,

11
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,733
we must never forget...

12
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,611
that Anthony Bourdain...

13
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,154
Yeah!

14
00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:12,906
...killed himself.

15
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:20,288
Anthony Bourdain had the greatest job
that show business ever produced.

16
00:01:20,371 --> 00:01:23,583
This nigga flew around the world...

17
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:29,631
...and ate delicious meals
with outstanding people.

18
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:33,218
That man with that job

19
00:01:33,593 --> 00:01:36,596
hung himself in a luxury suite in France.

20
00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:42,185
<i>♪ They say 2000-zero-zero</i> ♪

21
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:45,730
<i>♪ Party over, oops, out of time ♪</i>

22
00:01:47,273 --> 00:01:50,652
<i>♪ So, tonight I'm gonna party ♪</i>

23
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:54,656
<i>♪ Like it's 1999 ♪</i>

24
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,493
I knew a nigga in high school
that was an urban genius.

25
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,870
This motherfucker's grades was so good,

26
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,165
he got all the way from the hood
to an Ivy League school

27
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:06,459
with a full scholarship.

28
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,170
From there, the motherfucker got himself

29
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:11,631
into one of the best law schools
in the country.

30
00:02:11,756 --> 00:02:13,466
And when he was in law school,

31
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,636
he met a woman and they fell in love.

32
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:18,763
And they were gonna get married.

33
00:02:18,847 --> 00:02:21,283
I remember him telling me about it.
He was home for Christmas,

34
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:23,977
and I told him, I said, "My man, my man...

35
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:27,438
save that bitch for late in your life."

36
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,574
But he's in love.

37
00:02:38,283 --> 00:02:39,367
He didn't listen to me.

38
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:42,412
He married her while he was in law school,

39
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:45,248
and sadly, they got divorced,

40
00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:47,125
while he was in law school.

41
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:50,587
He was a street nigga from the hood.

42
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,380
This man had nothing...

43
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,091
and that bitch took half of that.

44
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,306
And then, I just never saw him again
for years,

45
00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:04,601
and then, two years ago,
I was home in DC doing some shoppin',

46
00:03:04,684 --> 00:03:07,270
tryin' to buy my sons some socks
at Foot Locker.

47
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:10,106
I go to Foot Locker.
Guess who's the manager?

48
00:03:10,648 --> 00:03:11,648
That nigga.

49
00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:15,486
Dressed like a referee, the whole shit.

50
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:20,450
This motherfucker is 45 years old!

51
00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:26,122
We went out drinking that night
just tryin' to catch up, and...

52
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,206
and he told me.

53
00:03:27,248 --> 00:03:29,876
He said he's been living
with his mother for, like, ten years,

54
00:03:29,959 --> 00:03:31,711
just trying to get back on his feet.

55
00:03:31,794 --> 00:03:35,173
But that's not the point of the story.
The point of the story is...

56
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,176
never occurred to this nigga
to kill himself.

57
00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:42,513
He's alive and well in D.C.

58
00:03:50,438 --> 00:03:52,857
I even suggested to him
that he should try it out.

59
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,776
Like, "I don't know, maybe..."

60
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,660
Nobody's life is perfect.

61
00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:05,870
No matter what it looks like
from the outside,

62
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:08,373
you don't know what the fuck's
going on inside.

63
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:09,874
I have a great life,

64
00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,418
but it's not a perfect life,
but it's good. It's...

65
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,630
My shit's like an above ground pool.
You ever seen one of them?

66
00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,302
It's a pool.

67
00:04:29,143 --> 00:04:32,480
So, in that spirit, tonight I thought
I'd start my show a little differently.

68
00:04:32,563 --> 00:04:33,763
Tonight I'm gonna do something

69
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,651
that I'm not particularly good at
but that I like to do.

70
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,861
Tonight I'm gonna try
some impressions out.

71
00:04:47,161 --> 00:04:48,454
I only got two.

72
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,959
Aight, the first impression's
kind of dumb, but I like it.

73
00:04:53,042 --> 00:04:54,919
This... This is my impression, you ready?

74
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:56,379
This is my impression...

75
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,590
of the Founding Fathers of America...

76
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,261
when the Constitution was being written.

77
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:04,970
You ready?

78
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,388
Here it goes.

79
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,525
Hurry up and finish
that Constitution, nigger.

80
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,020
I'm trying to get some sleep.

81
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:18,985
It's not bad, right?

82
00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:24,407
All right, the next one...

83
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,040
The next one's a little harder.

84
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:35,877
I want to see if you can guess who it is
I'm doing an impression of.

85
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,800
All right? Let me get into character.
You gotta guess who it is, though.

86
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,590
Okay, here it goes.

87
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,008
Uh, duh.

88
00:05:42,091 --> 00:05:43,468
Hey! Durr!

89
00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:47,513
If you do anything wrong in your life,
duh, and I find out about it,

90
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:49,766
I'm gonna try to take everything
away from you,

91
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:51,184
and I don't care when I find out.

92
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:54,145
Could be today, tomorrow,
15, 20 years from now.

93
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:57,440
If I find out,
you're fucking-duh-finished.

94
00:05:58,441 --> 00:05:59,881
- Trump.
- Who... Who's that?

95
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,045
- Trump
- Trump.

96
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,820
That's you!

97
00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:08,034
That's what the audience
sounds like to me.

98
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:15,166
That's why I don't be coming out
doing comedy all the time,

99
00:06:15,249 --> 00:06:17,502
'cause y'all niggas
is the worst motherfuckers

100
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,087
I've ever tried to entertain

101
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:21,798
in my fucking life.

102
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:25,759
Ugh.

103
00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,513
I'm goddamn sick of it.

104
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,598
This is the worst time ever
to be a celebrity.

105
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:32,892
You're gonna be finished.
Everyone's doomed.

106
00:06:34,143 --> 00:06:37,021
Michael Jackson has been dead
for ten years

107
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,774
and this nigga has two new cases.

108
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:49,117
And if you haven't watched
that documentary...

109
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,035
uh, then I'm begging you,

110
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:52,619
don't watch it.

111
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,581
It's fucking gross.

112
00:06:56,416 --> 00:07:00,294
I felt like HBO was sticking
baby dicks in my ears

113
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:01,838
for four hours straight.

114
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:05,049
Really nasty shit.

115
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:07,760
I don't want to know all these things.

116
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:15,852
Turns out, uh, Michael Jackson allegedly
likes a long gander at the anus.

117
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,649
They said he stares at people's buttholes.
That's what they said.

118
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:23,860
That's how gross the documentary was.

119
00:07:34,203 --> 00:07:36,831
I'm gonna say something
that I'm not allowed to say.

120
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:40,501
But I gotta be real. Uh...

121
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,379
I don't believe these motherfuckers.

122
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:47,592
I do not believe them.

123
00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,595
But...

124
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,347
let me qualify the statement.

125
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:57,560
I... I am what's known on the streets
as a victim blamer.

126
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:02,954
You know what I mean? If somebody
come up to me like, "Dave, Dave,

127
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,567
Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna."

128
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,777
I'll be like, "Well, what did she do?"

129
00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:16,621
"Dave, Michael Jackson
was molesting children."

130
00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:19,332
"Well, what were those kids
wearing at the time?"

131
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:28,049
I don't think he did it.

132
00:08:29,258 --> 00:08:31,886
But you know what? Even if he did do it...

133
00:08:33,387 --> 00:08:34,514
You know what I mean?

134
00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,728
You know what I mean?

135
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:42,604
Eh...

136
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,774
I mean, it's Michael Jackson.

137
00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:50,071
I know more than half the people
in this room

138
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:52,323
have been molested in their lives.

139
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:56,494
But it wasn't no goddamn Michael Jackson,
was it?

140
00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:02,875
This kid got his dick sucked
by the King of Pop.

141
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,798
All we get is awkward Thanksgivings
for the rest of our lives.

142
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,975
You know how good it must've felt to go
to school the next day after that shit?

143
00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:20,877
"Hey, Billy, how was the weekend?"

144
00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,395
"How was my weekend?

145
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:26,816
Michael Jackson sucked my dick!

146
00:09:30,319 --> 00:09:32,405
And that was my first sexual experience.

147
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:35,992
If I'm starting here,
then sky's the limit!"

148
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:49,338
I know it seems harsh, but, man,
somebody's gotta teach these kids.

149
00:09:50,298 --> 00:09:52,633
There's no such thing
as a free trip to Hawaii.

150
00:09:55,886 --> 00:09:58,556
He's gonna want to look
at your butthole or something.

151
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,693
You know why I don't believe it?
You know why I don't believe it?

152
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:13,404
Because if Michael Jackson's out here
doing all this molesting,

153
00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,407
then... then why not Macaulay Culkin? Hmm?

154
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,160
Macaulay Culkin stated in an interview

155
00:10:19,243 --> 00:10:22,830
that Michael Jackson
never did anything inappropriate with him

156
00:10:22,913 --> 00:10:24,457
or even around him.

157
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,167
Think about that shit.

158
00:10:28,085 --> 00:10:29,085
You know...

159
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:31,380
I'm not a pedophile.

160
00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:36,844
But if I was...

161
00:10:40,222 --> 00:10:43,893
Macaulay Culkin's the first kid
I'm fucking, I'll tell you that right now.

162
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,858
I'd be a goddamn hero.

163
00:10:50,941 --> 00:10:53,319
"Hey, that guy over there
fucked the kid from <i>Home Alone.</i>

164
00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:56,072
And you know how hard he is to catch."

165
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,251
<i>♪ My mind's telling me, "No"</i> ♪

166
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,462
Oh!

167
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,050
R. Kelly!

168
00:11:16,133 --> 00:11:18,969
Well, okay. R. Kelly is different.

169
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,265
I mean, you know, if I'm a bettin' man,

170
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,726
I'm gonna put my money on
"He probably did that shit."

171
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:31,440
I'm pretty sure he did that shit.

172
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:35,277
You know, it was bad,
okay, so a couple years ago,

173
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,113
I was doing a show in Detroit.

174
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,073
And I'm sitting backstage
in my dressing room

175
00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:41,575
and a friend of mine comes by,
this chick, Dream Hampton.

176
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:44,787
Dream, uh, tells me,
right before I'm going on stage,

177
00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:48,708
she goes, "Dave, I'm working
on a documentary about R. Kelly.

178
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,126
"Would you like to be in it?"

179
00:11:50,209 --> 00:11:52,169
And I was like, "Nah, bitch, I'm cool."

180
00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,428
I went onstage,
I just forgot about the shit,

181
00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:01,762
and then two years later,

182
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:04,390
the documentary comes out,
<i>Surviving R. Kelly.</i>

183
00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:05,599
And when it comes out,

184
00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,728
Dream's promotin' shit
and she keeps bringing me up.

185
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,856
She said, "I asked Dave Chappelle
to be in my documentary,

186
00:12:12,314 --> 00:12:15,401
and he said it was too hot for TV."

187
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,695
Bitch, I did not say that.

188
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,866
That does not even sound like how I talk.

189
00:12:21,949 --> 00:12:24,910
"Oh, that's too hot for TV."
I would never say that shit.

190
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:35,921
But I'm gonna tell you guys
why I wasn't in the documentary.

191
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:37,548
It's a very simple reason,

192
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:41,594
and, uh, I cannot stress
this point enough.

193
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:44,346
The only reason that I didn't do it

194
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,557
was because, and this is very important...

195
00:12:48,517 --> 00:12:52,855
I don't know this nigga at all!

196
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:57,193
I don't know anything!

197
00:12:57,276 --> 00:12:59,487
I don't know anything
that they don't tell me about.

198
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:01,864
I don't hang out with this nigga.
Nothing.

199
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:05,576
So what the fuck do I got to be
in the documentary for?

200
00:13:09,246 --> 00:13:11,665
This guy, R. Kelly,
got another sex tape out now.

201
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:15,294
Can you believe that shit?
This guy makes more sex tapes

202
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:16,504
than he does music.

203
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,216
He's like the DJ Khaled of sex tapes.

204
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:21,967
"Another one."

205
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,427
Like, damn, nigga!

206
00:13:26,305 --> 00:13:27,598
That's a lot of tapes.

207
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:32,937
The new one's so bad
that they didn't even show it.

208
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,523
I've never seen anything like this.

209
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,527
The prosecutor in Chicago
came out in a press conference

210
00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:43,989
and read to the media
a transcript of a sex tape.

211
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:48,244
Have you ever heard of such a thing?
This nigga <i>read </i>the sex tape.

212
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:54,959
And it was so bad that R. Kelly
sounded guilty in the transcripts.

213
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:57,962
It's fucking amazing.

214
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,590
Sixteen times
the girl's age was mentioned.

215
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,674
Isn't that crazy?

216
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:04,876
This motherfucker is an idiot.
He was fuckin' her like,

217
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:08,848
"Yeah, this is the best 14-year-old pussy
I've ever had in my life."

218
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,811
She was like,
"You like this 14-year-old pussy?"

219
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:14,687
Like, "Oh, yeah, I love this." I'm like,
"Man, you need to shut the fuck up."

220
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,482
You gotta give your lawyer
something to work with.

221
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:22,570
You supposed to be on the tape like,
"This is the best...

222
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:25,739
36-year-old pussy
I've ever had in my life."

223
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:28,818
Then your lawyer can be like,

224
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,954
"Your Honor, clearly my client
thought that this woman was 36,

225
00:14:32,162 --> 00:14:34,790
as he mentioned some 16 times
in the tape."

226
00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:41,755
They gonna know you lying, though,
you know what I mean. Everybody knows...

227
00:14:42,047 --> 00:14:44,592
no such thing as good 36-year-old pussy.

228
00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,400
Doesn't matter what I say.

229
00:15:01,775 --> 00:15:03,695
And if you at home
watching this shit on Netflix,

230
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:06,196
remember, bitch, you clicked on my face.

231
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,880
Celebrity hunting season.

232
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:25,975
Doesn't matter what I say, they're going
to get everybody eventually.

233
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:28,677
Like, look, I don't think
I did anything wrong, but...

234
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:30,137
but we'll see.

235
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:37,227
They even got poor Kevin Hart.

236
00:15:37,978 --> 00:15:40,981
Can you imagine such a thing?
Kevin Hart, let me tell you something.

237
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:45,778
It was... It was Kevin Hart's dream
to host the Oscars.

238
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:47,571
That's what he told me.

239
00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:51,033
And I remember when he told me,
'cause I was thinking to myself,

240
00:15:51,116 --> 00:15:54,286
"Well, that's an awfully strange dream
for an African American."

241
00:15:57,915 --> 00:16:00,376
What kind of nigga dreams
of hosting the Oscars?

242
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:03,128
Kevin did, that's who.

243
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,755
And he did it.

244
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,384
Against all the odds, Kevin became
the most famous comedian

245
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,135
this world has ever seen,

246
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:13,347
and he got the job that only one black man
before him had had.

247
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:16,058
He was gonna host the 80th Oscars.

248
00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:17,821
And I don't know what you know
about Kevin,

249
00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:21,230
but I know
Kevin Hart is damn near perfect.

250
00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:24,316
As close to perfect
as anybody I've ever seen.

251
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,401
In fact,

252
00:16:25,693 --> 00:16:31,323
Kevin is precisely four tweets shy
of being perfect.

253
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,162
Ten years ago,

254
00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:40,791
Kevin had made
some very homophobic comments.

255
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:43,877
And I'm not gonna repeat what he said...

256
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:46,505
because this is Atlanta.

257
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,807
You know what I mean.

258
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:01,186
I'm sure there's a lot of gay men
here tonight...

259
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,646
with their wives.

260
00:17:14,241 --> 00:17:16,618
Far be it from me to offend anybody.

261
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:20,706
All right, I'll tell you what he said.

262
00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:24,960
But just remember, these are not my words.

263
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,920
These were Kevin's words.

264
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:28,922
And it was a long time ago.

265
00:17:29,006 --> 00:17:32,676
And I'm paraphrasing, 'cause I'm not good
at telling other people's jokes.

266
00:17:33,218 --> 00:17:34,470
Okay, Kevin said...

267
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,560
that if his little son was demonstrating
or-or-or exhibiting,

268
00:17:41,643 --> 00:17:44,938
uh, homosexual behavior around the house,
that he'd chastise him.

269
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:46,440
He'd say, "Hey, that's gay."

270
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:49,359
And then he said
he would smash a dollhouse

271
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:50,986
over that child's head.

272
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:55,824
Ooh, the gay community was furious.

273
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:57,826
And I don't blame 'em.

274
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,704
I got a lot of gay friends.

275
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,165
And all of them, 100% of them,

276
00:18:03,248 --> 00:18:07,211
all have told me fuckin' horror stories
about the shit they had to go through

277
00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:08,504
just to be themselves.

278
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,214
Crazy, crazy stories.

279
00:18:10,297 --> 00:18:12,049
And in all those stories, I gotta say,

280
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,635
not one of them
has ever mentioned anything like...

281
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:21,475
their father smashing a fucking dollhouse
over their head.

282
00:18:23,018 --> 00:18:25,145
'Cause, clearly, Kevin was joking.

283
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,273
Think about it. You would have to buy
this nigga a dollhouse

284
00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,117
to break it over his head
in the first place.

285
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,820
Does that sound right?
Is anybody gonna do that?

286
00:18:37,324 --> 00:18:40,369
The gay community was upset,
and then they put so much pressure

287
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,412
on the Academy
of Motion Pictures and Sciences

288
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:46,375
that they went to Kevin and said,
"If you don't apologize to that community,

289
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,585
then you cannot host these Oscars."

290
00:18:48,669 --> 00:18:51,964
And then Kevin said, "Fuck it, I quit."

291
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:04,143
And then he went on every talk show
in America and apologized for six weeks.

292
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,484
Kevin fucked up.

293
00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:15,737
I understand the mistake he made

294
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,031
because I've made the same mistake
early in my career.

295
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,825
This is many years ago, 15 years ago.

296
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:22,077
It was when I was doing <i>Chappelle's Show.</i>
There's a...

297
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,537
Thank you. Thank you.

298
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:30,878
On network television,

299
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:34,298
they have a department
that's called Standards and Practices.

300
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:39,011
This is the department that tells you
what you can and cannot say on television.

301
00:19:39,094 --> 00:19:42,181
And if you're doing your job well,
you should never hear from 'em.

302
00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:43,891
But if you're making <i>Chappelle's Show,</i>

303
00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:47,561
you'll hear from these motherfuckers
all the time.

304
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,274
And remember, this was 15 years ago.

305
00:19:52,357 --> 00:19:54,985
I made a mistake. I didn't even know
I'd done anything wrong.

306
00:19:55,360 --> 00:19:57,112
I had written a sketch...

307
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,323
that had the word...

308
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,242
"faggot" in it.

309
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:14,463
So I had to go to Standards and Practices.
They call me up.

310
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:17,734
I don't know why they're calling me, but
I like the lady that runs the department.

311
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,134
She's usually really fair

312
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,511
and was one of my favorite people
I've ever worked with.

313
00:20:21,595 --> 00:20:23,972
So she sits me down.
We have a nice conversation.

314
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,849
She tells me,
"Oh, the sketches are great."

315
00:20:25,933 --> 00:20:28,435
I go, "Oh, fantastic.
Well, then... well, then, why am I here?"

316
00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,479
She said, "Because, David,

317
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,022
there's no way...

318
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,441
that you can ever say the word...

319
00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:39,363
"faggot" on our network.

320
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,634
I didn't know I did anything wrong.
I didn't try to defend myself.

321
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,386
I said, "All right. Fuck it,
I'll take it out. Have a good afternoon."

322
00:20:45,410 --> 00:20:47,120
And as I was leaving, it occurred to me.

323
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,248
"Hey. Hey, Renée, quick question.

324
00:20:51,458 --> 00:20:53,258
It's just a question.
Seriously, I wanna know.

325
00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:55,170
Like, wh-why is it... why is it

326
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:59,800
that... that I can say the word "nigger"
with impunity...

327
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,813
...but I can't say the word "faggot"?"

328
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,317
And she said, "Because, David,

329
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:20,237
you are not gay."

330
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:23,532
I said, "Well, Renée...

331
00:21:26,827 --> 00:21:28,203
I'm not a nigger either."

332
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:47,597
But, you see,
what I didn't realize at the time

333
00:21:47,681 --> 00:21:49,516
and what Kevin had to learn the hard way

334
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:54,146
is we were breaking an unwritten
and unspoken rule of show business.

335
00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:57,149
And if I say it, you'll know
that I'm telling you the truth.

336
00:21:57,232 --> 00:22:00,986
The rule is that no matter what you do
in your artistic expression,

337
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:06,366
you are never, ever, allowed to upset...

338
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:08,827
the alphabet people.

339
00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:14,541
You know who I mean.

340
00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:19,379
Those people that took
20% of the alphabet for themselves.

341
00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:26,928
I'd say the letters,
but I don't want to conjure their anger.

342
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,306
Ah, it's too late now.

343
00:22:29,389 --> 00:22:33,185
I'm talking about them L's
and them B's and them G's

344
00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:35,687
and the T's.

345
00:22:37,522 --> 00:22:40,275
People would be surprised.
I have friends of all kinds of letters.

346
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,361
Everybody loves me and I love everybody.

347
00:22:42,444 --> 00:22:45,113
I got friends who are L's.
I got friends who are B's.

348
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,115
And I got friends who are G's.

349
00:22:47,324 --> 00:22:51,370
But the T's hate my fuckin' guts.

350
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:57,834
And I don't blame 'em.

351
00:22:57,918 --> 00:22:59,628
It's not their fault. It's mine.

352
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:03,256
I can't stop telling jokes
about these niggas.

353
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:07,844
I don't want to write these jokes,
but I just can't stop!

354
00:23:14,101 --> 00:23:16,436
You know, you hear all those letters
together all the time.

355
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:20,982
"LBGT, LBGT," and you think
it's just one big movement.

356
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,066
It's not.

357
00:23:22,526 --> 00:23:25,529
All those letters are their own movement.

358
00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:28,240
They just travel in the same car together.

359
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:32,201
And...

360
00:23:32,702 --> 00:23:33,954
my guess is...

361
00:23:37,457 --> 00:23:39,793
Oh!

362
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:44,440
What is this, high school? This nigga
probably got a babysitter or something.

363
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,925
Go and answer your phone, nigga.
Get that shit out of here.

364
00:23:47,008 --> 00:23:49,261
I'm... I'm in the middle
of something important.

365
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,285
Wouldn't it be funny if we made fun
of him and he's like, "Ha, ha,"

366
00:23:56,309 --> 00:23:58,979
and he went outside like, "Hello?"
"Mama's dead." "Oh, no!"

367
00:24:02,315 --> 00:24:03,191
"Mama's dead."

368
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,544
That was a weird-timed phone call,
wasn't it?

369
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:25,464
It's like his phone is gay.

370
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:44,733
Like I was saying...

371
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:49,196
my guess is...

372
00:24:50,363 --> 00:24:52,199
the G's are driving that car.

373
00:24:54,701 --> 00:24:55,911
That makes sense to me.

374
00:24:55,994 --> 00:24:58,413
'Cause there's white men in the G's.

375
00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:02,751
And these people are trying to get around,
uh, discrimination and oppression,

376
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,419
and you know how white dudes are.

377
00:25:04,503 --> 00:25:05,962
"We know these roads.

378
00:25:07,964 --> 00:25:09,883
In fact, we built these roads.

379
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,680
"The rest of you, buckle up.
We'll get you to where you want to go."

380
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:19,559
So the G's are just driving the car.

381
00:25:21,353 --> 00:25:23,855
Of course,
next to the G's in the passenger seat...

382
00:25:24,356 --> 00:25:25,440
is the L's.

383
00:25:27,025 --> 00:25:28,527
Everybody likes the L's,

384
00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:31,112
except for the G's.

385
00:25:35,784 --> 00:25:37,024
I don't know what that's about.

386
00:25:37,077 --> 00:25:39,412
I just know the G's don't like them
that much.

387
00:25:40,956 --> 00:25:43,625
The G's always say, like,
little subliminal digs on 'em.

388
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:46,187
It's unnecessary shit.
It's not mean, but you know what I mean?

389
00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,212
They just be like...

390
00:25:47,963 --> 00:25:49,297
"I wouldn't wear that."

391
00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:56,805
And the only thing that breaks the tension
between the L's and the G's

392
00:25:56,888 --> 00:25:58,598
are the B's in the backseat.

393
00:25:59,641 --> 00:26:01,142
That's right. There you go.

394
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,187
Everybody scream out
when you hear your letter.

395
00:26:15,949 --> 00:26:19,494
If there's one thing that the L's
and the G's agree on,

396
00:26:19,869 --> 00:26:22,914
is it's that the B's are fuckin' gross.

397
00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:28,003
They seem greedy to the L's and the G's.
You know what I mean?

398
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:30,523
'Cause they're just sittin'
in the back seat like, "Yeah, man,

399
00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:34,050
I'll fuck anybody in this car.
What's going on, man?"

400
00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,227
And sitting next to the B's,

401
00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:47,939
all the way in the backseat by themselves
looking out the window...

402
00:26:50,942 --> 00:26:52,485
that's the T's.

403
00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:57,741
Everybody in the car respects the T's,

404
00:26:57,824 --> 00:26:59,534
but everyone also...

405
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:01,578
resents the T's.

406
00:27:02,078 --> 00:27:04,873
It's not the T's' fault,
but everyone in the car just feels like

407
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:07,917
the T's are making the trip take longer.

408
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,762
Anything the T's say
gets on everybody's nerves.

409
00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,764
And then, the T's don't even
say anything bad.

410
00:27:20,847 --> 00:27:23,224
They just be in the back
talking to themselves. "Hm...

411
00:27:23,308 --> 00:27:24,601
"I'm hot."

412
00:27:24,684 --> 00:27:28,313
"Shut up. Shut the fuck up, okay?

413
00:27:28,688 --> 00:27:30,649
You should roll the window down, you...

414
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:32,984
Bitch, I don't know what you..."

415
00:27:35,278 --> 00:27:37,364
"What?

416
00:27:38,406 --> 00:27:39,949
I just said I was hot.

417
00:27:42,410 --> 00:27:45,830
Can you pull over at the next exit?
I need to use the restroom."

418
00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:50,460
"There is not a restroom for you
for four states, nigga!

419
00:27:50,543 --> 00:27:54,297
Will you just shut the fuck up
so we can get where we're going?"

420
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:07,894
And just when that car
can't get any more tense,

421
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:11,272
the Q's are a hitchhiker
that they pick up on the road.

422
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:14,317
Some white dude in booty shorts
just walking in the freeway.

423
00:28:24,077 --> 00:28:26,621
The G's see him.
"Hm, that guy might be one of us.

424
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:29,916
Hey, are you okay? You need some help?"

425
00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,836
And he come over there with them
booty shorts, leaning on the window.

426
00:28:33,294 --> 00:28:35,088
"Hey, what's going on, fellas?"

427
00:28:35,755 --> 00:28:36,756
Lady.

428
00:28:38,258 --> 00:28:41,010
Whatever pronoun
makes you feel comfortable in the back.

429
00:28:48,017 --> 00:28:49,894
Yeah.

430
00:28:50,812 --> 00:28:52,856
I don't really know where I'm going.

431
00:28:54,232 --> 00:28:57,360
I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight
or whatever.

432
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,864
All I know for sure is that, um...

433
00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:04,826
I really want to get in this car."

434
00:29:12,625 --> 00:29:16,045
And they make him get in
and sit between the B's and the T's.

435
00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,049
I feel bad for T's.

436
00:29:20,717 --> 00:29:22,469
But they're so confusing.

437
00:29:23,511 --> 00:29:24,763
And it's not all my fault.

438
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:28,057
I-I feel like they need to take
some responsibility for my jokes.

439
00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,896
'Cause I didn't come up with this idea
on my own,

440
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:36,483
this idea that a person can be born
in the wrong body.

441
00:29:37,192 --> 00:29:40,278
But they have to admit
that's a fucking hilarious predicament.

442
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,406
It's really fucking funny.

443
00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:46,659
If it happened to me, you'd laugh.
Wouldn't you?

444
00:29:47,744 --> 00:29:49,579
That wouldn't be funny
if it happened to me?

445
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:50,955
I think it would be.

446
00:29:51,039 --> 00:29:53,142
What if... What if it did?
What if... What if I was...

447
00:29:53,166 --> 00:29:54,751
What if I was Chinese?

448
00:29:55,168 --> 00:29:57,962
But... But born in this nigga body.
That's not funny?

449
00:30:02,592 --> 00:30:05,428
And for the rest of my life,
I had to go around making that face.

450
00:30:05,512 --> 00:30:08,139
"Hey, everybody, I'm Chinese!"

451
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:12,268
And everyone gets mad.
"Stop making that face. That's offensive."

452
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:13,728
"What?"

453
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:17,774
"This is how I feel inside."

454
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:33,050
It's hard not to write these jokes.
It's hard not to think about it.

455
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:35,935
Even when I watch sports, I'd be thinking
about it. Like, think about it.

456
00:30:35,959 --> 00:30:38,711
Okay, say... say LeBron James,

457
00:30:38,962 --> 00:30:40,755
uh, changed his gender.

458
00:30:42,090 --> 00:30:43,633
You know what I mean? Okay.

459
00:30:43,716 --> 00:30:45,885
Can he stay in the NBA,

460
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:48,346
or, because he's a woman,

461
00:30:49,222 --> 00:30:51,683
does he have to go to the WNBA

462
00:30:51,975 --> 00:30:55,812
where he will score 840 points a game?

463
00:31:00,233 --> 00:31:04,445
What does it actually mean to be equal?
You know what I mean?

464
00:31:05,446 --> 00:31:07,615
Like, if women are actually equal to men,

465
00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:10,326
then there would be no WNBA, would there?

466
00:31:10,952 --> 00:31:14,956
You would just be good enough
to play in the NBA with us.

467
00:31:15,999 --> 00:31:19,127
Or, here's another idea
that's going to be very controversial,

468
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:20,420
you could...

469
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,255
shut the fuck up.

470
00:31:34,142 --> 00:31:37,020
I'm sorry, ladies. I just...
I got a fucking Me Too headache.

471
00:31:37,103 --> 00:31:38,605
Y'all is killing me right now.

472
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:42,233
It's really fuckin' tough
to watch what's going on.

473
00:31:42,317 --> 00:31:44,402
You know, ladies,
I said it in my last special,

474
00:31:44,485 --> 00:31:47,780
and I got in a lot of trouble for this.
I told you, you were right.

475
00:31:47,864 --> 00:31:52,243
But the way you're going about it
is not going to work.

476
00:31:52,327 --> 00:31:54,078
But I'm biased. I said it.

477
00:31:54,162 --> 00:31:56,539
Louis C.K. was a very good friend of mine

478
00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:59,959
before he died
in that terrible masturbation accident.

479
00:32:04,923 --> 00:32:08,468
And it was his room. You read the story.
He was masturbating in his own room.

480
00:32:08,551 --> 00:32:10,151
That's where you supposed to masturbate.

481
00:32:10,219 --> 00:32:12,531
Then he said, "Hey, everybody,
I'm gonna pull my dick out."

482
00:32:12,555 --> 00:32:14,349
Nobody ran for the door
or nothing like that.

483
00:32:14,432 --> 00:32:17,685
They all just kind of hung out, like,
"I wonder if this guy is serious."

484
00:32:20,021 --> 00:32:21,981
And he came on his own stomach.

485
00:32:22,065 --> 00:32:23,107
There it is.

486
00:32:24,150 --> 00:32:25,652
What is the threat?

487
00:32:27,403 --> 00:32:30,531
Have any women ever seen a guy
that just came on his own stomach?

488
00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:33,868
This is the least threatening motherfucker
the Earth has ever seen.

489
00:32:35,453 --> 00:32:37,580
All you see is shame in their face and...

490
00:32:38,456 --> 00:32:40,875
cum dripping down like pancake butter.

491
00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:54,430
He didn't do anything that you can
call the police for. I dare you to try.

492
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:56,766
Call the police on him.
"Hello? Police, yes.

493
00:32:56,849 --> 00:33:00,395
I am... I am on the other line
with comedian Louis C.K.,

494
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:06,484
and I think that he is masturbating
while I'm on the phone."

495
00:33:07,402 --> 00:33:09,487
You know what the police are gonna say
in Atlanta?

496
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:12,115
"Well, what are you guys talking about?

497
00:33:14,492 --> 00:33:16,411
Mm-hm. Mm-hmm."

498
00:33:23,793 --> 00:33:27,171
They ruined this nigga's life, and now
he's coming back playing comedy clubs,

499
00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:30,717
and they acting like if he's able
to do that, that's gonna hurt women.

500
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,385
What the fuck is your agenda, ladies?

501
00:33:32,802 --> 00:33:34,178
Is... Is sexism dead?

502
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:36,305
No, in fact, the opposite happened.

503
00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:38,975
I said it was gonna get worse,
and they said I was tone deaf.

504
00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:42,603
But eight states, including your state,

505
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:48,317
have passed the most stringent
anti-abortion laws

506
00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:51,279
this nation has seen since Roe v. Wade.

507
00:33:53,406 --> 00:33:54,406
I...

508
00:33:54,449 --> 00:33:56,659
I told you. I told you.

509
00:33:57,326 --> 00:34:01,122
I'll be real with you, and I know nobody
gives a fuck what I think anyway.

510
00:34:01,205 --> 00:34:02,623
Uh...

511
00:34:02,707 --> 00:34:04,250
I'm not for abortion.

512
00:34:05,043 --> 00:34:06,961
Oh, shut up, nigga.

513
00:34:16,637 --> 00:34:19,932
I'm not for it,
but I'm not against it either.

514
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:25,271
It all depends...

515
00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:27,190
on who I get pregnant.

516
00:34:34,739 --> 00:34:36,300
I don't care... I'll tell you right now.

517
00:34:36,324 --> 00:34:38,826
I don't care what your religious beliefs
are or anything.

518
00:34:38,910 --> 00:34:43,247
If you have a dick, you need
to shut the fuck up on this one.

519
00:34:43,331 --> 00:34:44,499
Seriously.

520
00:34:49,921 --> 00:34:51,255
This is theirs.

521
00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:55,635
The right to choose
is their unequivocal right.

522
00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:57,845
Not only do I believe
they have the right to choose,

523
00:34:57,929 --> 00:35:00,807
I believe that they shouldn't
have to consult anybody,

524
00:35:01,140 --> 00:35:03,810
except for a physician...

525
00:35:03,893 --> 00:35:06,979
...about how they exercise that right.

526
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:09,190
Gentleman, that is fair.

527
00:35:10,066 --> 00:35:12,443
And ladies, to be fair to us,

528
00:35:13,444 --> 00:35:16,948
I also believe
if you decide to have the baby,

529
00:35:18,032 --> 00:35:19,700
a man should not have to pay.

530
00:35:25,706 --> 00:35:26,706
That's fair.

531
00:35:27,250 --> 00:35:30,461
If you can kill this motherfucker,
I can at least abandon 'em.

532
00:35:33,548 --> 00:35:35,258
It's my money, my choice.

533
00:35:40,930 --> 00:35:43,975
And if I'm wrong,
then perhaps we're wrong.

534
00:35:44,517 --> 00:35:46,644
So, figure that shit out for yourselves.

535
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:58,614
I mean, really, uh,
what the fuck are we doing?

536
00:35:59,448 --> 00:36:02,076
I can't live in this new world
you're proposing.

537
00:36:02,285 --> 00:36:04,566
And meanwhile, while we're worrying
about this other shit,

538
00:36:04,620 --> 00:36:05,621
look at what's happening.

539
00:36:05,705 --> 00:36:09,083
They just killed another 12 people
in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach.

540
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,668
This shit's happening every week.

541
00:36:10,751 --> 00:36:13,462
It happens so much, I'm almost...
I don't care anymore.

542
00:36:14,547 --> 00:36:16,257
I came home early from the road.

543
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,720
I had a $12,000 suit on,
'cause life's been going good.

544
00:36:23,431 --> 00:36:26,017
And I got home early,
and dinner was cookin'.

545
00:36:26,100 --> 00:36:28,811
You ever come home when dinner's cookin'?
Doesn't that smell good?

546
00:36:28,895 --> 00:36:32,648
And my son saw me, and he was like,
"Dad's home."

547
00:36:32,732 --> 00:36:35,234
And he got up from the table
and ran over to give me a hug,

548
00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,486
but he had chicken grease
all over his face,

549
00:36:37,570 --> 00:36:40,406
so I stiffed on him,
like, "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, my man, my man.

550
00:36:41,407 --> 00:36:43,576
Watch these threads, son.
This is an expensive suit.

551
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:46,287
I don't want you
to get that chicken grease all over me."

552
00:36:46,370 --> 00:36:47,997
A-And he was like,
"What the f...

553
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,248
Chicken grease?

554
00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:51,626
Dad, this is duck."

555
00:36:56,380 --> 00:36:57,380
Hmm.

556
00:36:57,506 --> 00:36:59,383
A tear came out of my eyes.

557
00:37:00,468 --> 00:37:02,303
I never dreamt I'd do so well in life

558
00:37:02,386 --> 00:37:06,098
that I'd raise a nigga
with duck grease all over his face.

559
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:17,735
And we sat down,
we just talked about everything.

560
00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:20,363
I was telling my wife
about how my shows were going,

561
00:37:20,446 --> 00:37:23,407
and I told her my trans jokes,
and she was like, "Oh, I hate that joke."

562
00:37:23,491 --> 00:37:26,244
And you know why she hates the joke?
'Cause she's Asian.

563
00:37:27,995 --> 00:37:31,040
But you know what I mean?
I don't make that face at the house,

564
00:37:31,123 --> 00:37:33,000
u-unless we're really fightin'.

565
00:37:41,676 --> 00:37:44,071
And me and her, we weren't arguing,
but you know what I mean?

566
00:37:44,095 --> 00:37:47,324
She's like, "You need to stop doing that."
And then, I tried to change the subject.

567
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:48,766
"Oh, how is school going, boys?"

568
00:37:48,849 --> 00:37:52,103
And my son's telling me, "Well,
we didn't have school today, technically."

569
00:37:52,186 --> 00:37:53,626
I'm like, "What... What's going on?"

570
00:37:53,688 --> 00:37:56,440
He said, "Well there was, like,
a school shooting drill."

571
00:37:56,524 --> 00:37:58,734
I never heard of this.
You know what this is?

572
00:37:58,818 --> 00:38:01,654
They have drills that they make kids do,

573
00:38:01,737 --> 00:38:03,406
uh, where they practice what to do

574
00:38:03,489 --> 00:38:05,169
if somebody comes
to shoot up their school.

575
00:38:05,199 --> 00:38:07,559
I'd never heard of that before.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

576
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:11,139
I had to tell my sons the truth.
I didn't want to tell them this shit.

577
00:38:11,163 --> 00:38:12,163
"Son...

578
00:38:13,040 --> 00:38:14,500
Son, listen to me.

579
00:38:15,668 --> 00:38:16,794
Fuck that drill.

580
00:38:18,754 --> 00:38:21,465
If somebody comes to your school
and wants to shoot it up,

581
00:38:21,549 --> 00:38:23,259
I'm just gonna be honest with you.

582
00:38:25,177 --> 00:38:27,930
You probably gonna get shot, nigga.
I'm just being real.

583
00:38:29,807 --> 00:38:32,226
You got a famous dad.
I talk a lot of shit.

584
00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:34,895
They gonna be gunning for you,
little buddy.

585
00:38:37,023 --> 00:38:39,859
Just stay low and run in a zigzag pattern,

586
00:38:39,942 --> 00:38:43,863
and don't try to save anybody, son.
Do you understand me?"

587
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:53,164
Why would you have kids rehearse
for some shit they have no control over?

588
00:38:53,247 --> 00:38:55,374
All you're doing is training these kids
to worry.

589
00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:57,178
It's the stupidest drill
I've ever heard of.

590
00:38:57,209 --> 00:39:00,546
And while you're in there training 'em
during these drills,

591
00:39:02,214 --> 00:39:04,216
well, aren't you
training the shooter, too?

592
00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:07,345
This nigga's in here listening
and learning like the other kids.

593
00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:08,596
Sittin' in the back...

594
00:39:10,639 --> 00:39:12,516
"So, where are we supposed to meet?

595
00:39:14,268 --> 00:39:15,268
Okay."

596
00:39:15,811 --> 00:39:16,896
All right.

597
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:27,323
If you're a parent,
this shit is terrifying.

598
00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:28,699
This shit is real scary.

599
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:31,327
All the parents
is looking at each other crazy,

600
00:39:31,911 --> 00:39:35,373
because we know, as parents,
that one of us

601
00:39:35,456 --> 00:39:36,999
is raising the shooter.

602
00:39:40,127 --> 00:39:42,463
We just don't know which one of us it is.

603
00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:45,800
All we know for sure...

604
00:39:47,093 --> 00:39:50,179
is that if you're a white parent,
the chances that it's you...

605
00:39:53,891 --> 00:39:56,936
...it's exponentially higher
than the rest of us.

606
00:39:59,021 --> 00:40:01,899
Shooting up school is a white kids' game.

607
00:40:04,985 --> 00:40:07,196
It's fuckin' crazy.
You know, I hated school, too.

608
00:40:07,279 --> 00:40:08,697
It never occurred to me...

609
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,118
kill everybody in school?

610
00:40:13,494 --> 00:40:14,870
It's fuckin' crazy.

611
00:40:16,288 --> 00:40:18,416
Just do what I did, nigga.
Try some things.

612
00:40:18,499 --> 00:40:20,709
"Have you skipped school, nigga?
Skip school!

613
00:40:22,336 --> 00:40:25,297
Take a walk and meet some other kids.
Fuck school, nigga.

614
00:40:26,799 --> 00:40:29,677
Try drugs. Have you tried drugs out?
Nigga, that might..."

615
00:40:37,184 --> 00:40:38,436
Some scary shit.

616
00:40:39,895 --> 00:40:41,522
I've given this a lot of thought.

617
00:40:41,605 --> 00:40:43,816
I don't see any peaceful way

618
00:40:44,316 --> 00:40:46,318
to disarm America's whites.

619
00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:03,794
There's only one thing that's going
to save this country from itself.

620
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:06,839
Same thing that always saves
this country from itself,

621
00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:09,175
and that is African Americans.

622
00:41:12,303 --> 00:41:13,303
Right.

623
00:41:14,763 --> 00:41:18,017
And I know the question
that a lot of y'all have in your minds is,

624
00:41:18,476 --> 00:41:19,518
"Should we do it?"

625
00:41:22,730 --> 00:41:24,231
Yeah. Fuck yeah, we should do it.

626
00:41:24,315 --> 00:41:27,776
Listen, no matter what they say
or how they make you feel,

627
00:41:27,860 --> 00:41:31,989
remember, this is your country, too.

628
00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:35,451
It is incumbent upon us...

629
00:41:36,035 --> 00:41:38,537
to save our country.

630
00:41:39,413 --> 00:41:41,332
And you know what we have to do.

631
00:41:41,415 --> 00:41:44,043
This is a fuckin' election year.
We gotta be serious.

632
00:41:44,126 --> 00:41:46,879
Every able-bodied African American

633
00:41:46,962 --> 00:41:48,881
must register

634
00:41:48,964 --> 00:41:51,008
for a legal firearm.

635
00:42:03,729 --> 00:42:05,981
That's the only way
they'll change the law.

636
00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:18,077
I hate guns, personally.

637
00:42:19,119 --> 00:42:20,287
I can't stand 'em.

638
00:42:21,580 --> 00:42:23,040
Yeah, but I have several.

639
00:42:26,460 --> 00:42:28,337
I don't want 'em,
but I feel like I need 'em.

640
00:42:28,420 --> 00:42:31,048
Don't forget where I live. I live in Ohio.

641
00:42:31,131 --> 00:42:35,302
And anyone that knows anything about Ohio
knows that even the word "Ohio"

642
00:42:35,386 --> 00:42:38,430
is an old Native American word.

643
00:42:38,681 --> 00:42:40,599
It means, literally,

644
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:43,894
uh, "land of poor white people."

645
00:42:49,984 --> 00:42:51,902
And I don't know
what's going on down here,

646
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:53,988
but in my experience, uh,

647
00:42:54,071 --> 00:42:55,864
poor white people love,

648
00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,159
and, I mean, they fucking <i>love...</i>

649
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:00,744
heroin.

650
00:43:03,789 --> 00:43:05,624
They can't seem to get enough of it.

651
00:43:06,166 --> 00:43:08,766
I didn't know what I was looking at
at first. I was driving, like,

652
00:43:08,794 --> 00:43:11,380
"Why are all these white people
so sleepy out here?"

653
00:43:17,011 --> 00:43:18,429
It's really bad.

654
00:43:19,221 --> 00:43:21,265
Matter of fact,
I was coming out of the nightclub

655
00:43:21,348 --> 00:43:24,351
the other night in Dayton,
and I had parked my car in the alley,

656
00:43:24,435 --> 00:43:26,755
and no one was out.
I didn't have no bodyguards or nothing.

657
00:43:26,812 --> 00:43:28,492
I was home. I figured everything was fine.

658
00:43:28,522 --> 00:43:30,774
And as soon as I open my car door,

659
00:43:31,066 --> 00:43:32,066
all by myself,

660
00:43:32,109 --> 00:43:33,027
suddenly,

661
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:36,530
uh, one of these heroin-addicted whites
just pops out of a trash can.

662
00:43:36,614 --> 00:43:38,254
It scared the shit out of me. I screamed.

663
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:39,742
"Aah!"

664
00:43:44,079 --> 00:43:46,373
And then, I realized it was a woman.
She was fucked up.

665
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:47,916
She was like...

666
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:49,335
"Hey, man.

667
00:43:49,668 --> 00:43:51,587
Hey, man. Relax, okay?

668
00:43:52,671 --> 00:43:54,006
I'm sick, all right?

669
00:43:54,089 --> 00:43:56,508
I need some drugs, man.

670
00:43:56,592 --> 00:44:01,805
Please? I'll suck your dick
for five dollars, man."

671
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:03,265
I was like, "Ick...

672
00:44:05,017 --> 00:44:06,017
Two."

673
00:44:24,119 --> 00:44:25,496
Obviously, I'm joking.

674
00:44:27,247 --> 00:44:29,875
This opioid crisis is a crisis.

675
00:44:29,958 --> 00:44:32,670
I see it everyday.
It's as bad as they say.

676
00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,297
It's ruining lives, it's...

677
00:44:35,756 --> 00:44:37,091
destroying families.

678
00:44:37,174 --> 00:44:39,510
Sadly, you know what it reminds me of?
Seeing it?

679
00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:42,096
Reminds me of us.

680
00:44:43,055 --> 00:44:47,643
These white folks look exactly like us
during the crack epidemic.

681
00:44:48,852 --> 00:44:50,813
You know, it's really crazy to see.

682
00:44:51,855 --> 00:44:53,732
And all this shit
they talk about on the news

683
00:44:53,816 --> 00:44:55,567
about how divided the nation is,

684
00:44:55,651 --> 00:44:57,361
I don't believe it. I feel like, nowadays,

685
00:44:57,444 --> 00:45:00,030
we're gettin' a real good look
at each other.

686
00:45:01,740 --> 00:45:05,619
It's wild, because I even have insight
into how the white community

687
00:45:05,703 --> 00:45:10,499
must've felt watching the black community
go through the scourge of crack...

688
00:45:11,458 --> 00:45:12,960
because I don't care either.

689
00:45:17,464 --> 00:45:19,007
"Hang in there, Whites.

690
00:45:20,968 --> 00:45:24,388
Just say no. What's so hard about that?"

691
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:39,695
Remember when y'all said that to us?
But it's okay.

692
00:45:39,778 --> 00:45:42,156
There's no grudges.
Now you finally got it right.

693
00:45:42,239 --> 00:45:45,534
Once it started happening to your kids,
you realize it's a health crisis.

694
00:45:45,617 --> 00:45:46,910
These people are sick.

695
00:45:46,994 --> 00:45:48,412
They are not criminals.

696
00:45:48,495 --> 00:45:50,372
They are sick.

697
00:45:56,336 --> 00:45:57,921
Be that as it may,

698
00:45:59,339 --> 00:46:00,674
I'm armed to the teeth.

699
00:46:05,220 --> 00:46:07,890
First gun I bought was a 12-gauge shotgun.

700
00:46:09,349 --> 00:46:11,894
I didn't want the gun.
Remember, though, I'd moved to a farm

701
00:46:11,977 --> 00:46:13,437
and I was sittin' on the porch,

702
00:46:13,520 --> 00:46:16,398
and I see a white dude
walking across my property,

703
00:46:16,482 --> 00:46:18,192
entitled, like he's supposed to be there.

704
00:46:18,275 --> 00:46:20,611
He had a rifle over his shoulder, too.
Ain't that a bitch?

705
00:46:24,656 --> 00:46:27,910
I said, "What the fuck is this guy doing
on my property?"

706
00:46:27,993 --> 00:46:29,369
I was mad as shit,

707
00:46:29,828 --> 00:46:31,789
but I was unarmed.

708
00:46:32,539 --> 00:46:35,584
So, I ended up just waving
to this motherfucker like a bitch.

709
00:46:35,667 --> 00:46:36,667
I was just, like...

710
00:46:44,676 --> 00:46:46,553
And as soon as he got far enough away,

711
00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,223
I ran to my car and sped to Kmart.

712
00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:53,852
This is in a rural white area.

713
00:46:53,936 --> 00:46:57,064
And remember, I was nervous,
'cause the guy was on my property,

714
00:46:57,147 --> 00:46:59,191
I'm black, and I was sweating.

715
00:46:59,274 --> 00:47:01,860
You know what I mean?
And I ran to the gun counter.

716
00:47:01,944 --> 00:47:03,111
Black and sweaty,

717
00:47:03,487 --> 00:47:04,738
sweating and black,

718
00:47:04,822 --> 00:47:06,907
and I looked up and I was like...

719
00:47:06,990 --> 00:47:08,742
I looked like a slave or something.

720
00:47:11,495 --> 00:47:14,081
I said, "I need a gun. Immediately."
Like that.

721
00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:15,581
Just like that.

722
00:47:16,124 --> 00:47:18,085
The guy didn't ask no questions,
he just...

723
00:47:18,168 --> 00:47:20,671
grabbed a 12-gauge shotgun,
handed it to me.

724
00:47:20,754 --> 00:47:23,423
I'd never even held a gun before.
I'm like...

725
00:47:24,383 --> 00:47:26,510
"Well, I need...
I need some bullets, too."

726
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:30,848
And the guy reached under the counter,
put two boxes of shells on the counter.

727
00:47:30,931 --> 00:47:33,433
He said, "All right, buddy.
Which box do you want?"

728
00:47:33,892 --> 00:47:34,935
I didn't know.

729
00:47:35,769 --> 00:47:38,021
One box had a picture of some ducks on it.

730
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:41,400
The other box had a picture of some deer.

731
00:47:42,317 --> 00:47:45,445
I said, "Well, what's that box
with them ducks?"

732
00:47:46,864 --> 00:47:49,366
He said, "Oh, that there's bird shot."

733
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,953
And then he goes just like this,
I'm not exaggerating, he goes,

734
00:47:53,787 --> 00:47:55,038
"That won't kill a man."

735
00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:05,465
He said,
"It'll just pepper him up nicely."

736
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:07,551
I said, "What the fuck? Pepper?"

737
00:48:11,805 --> 00:48:14,349
You know what it means
to pepper a motherfucker up?

738
00:48:14,433 --> 00:48:17,269
It means that when the shell explodes,

739
00:48:17,352 --> 00:48:20,647
hot BBs will shoot out
of the barrel of the gun,

740
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:22,065
not killing a motherfucker,

741
00:48:22,149 --> 00:48:24,902
but penetrating their skin
and shallow flesh.

742
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:26,653
Boy, that's gotta hurt.

743
00:48:26,737 --> 00:48:27,737
Hot BBs?

744
00:48:29,114 --> 00:48:30,616
"Aah! Aaaah!"

745
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,953
Remember when Dick Cheney
shot a motherfucker in the face

746
00:48:35,037 --> 00:48:36,079
and he lived?

747
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:37,497
That was bird shot.

748
00:48:39,791 --> 00:48:42,044
I said, "Well, what's that box
with the deer on it?"

749
00:48:42,127 --> 00:48:44,421
He goes, "Oh, that there is buckshot.

750
00:48:44,963 --> 00:48:47,925
That'll put a hole in a goddamn truck
if you wanted to.

751
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:52,012
So, which box do you want?"

752
00:48:52,095 --> 00:48:54,681
And he picked the one with the deer up
and shook it.

753
00:49:01,271 --> 00:49:04,775
I thought he was trying to trick me.
I was like, "Do you have a box, uh,

754
00:49:04,858 --> 00:49:08,070
with a picture of a white dude trespassing
on it? 'Cause...

755
00:49:09,613 --> 00:49:11,990
...that's exactly
the strength I'm looking for.

756
00:49:15,786 --> 00:49:19,581
But I didn't know that if you're defending
your home with a shotgun,

757
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:22,876
the formula dictates that you're supposed
to buy both boxes.

758
00:49:22,960 --> 00:49:25,295
This was not a formula
that I was familiar with.

759
00:49:25,379 --> 00:49:28,507
It goes like this: there's six shots
in a 12-gauge shotgun.

760
00:49:28,590 --> 00:49:30,842
So when you load the gun,
you load it like this.

761
00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:32,803
First shot, bird shot.

762
00:49:32,886 --> 00:49:34,888
Next shot, buckshot.

763
00:49:34,972 --> 00:49:38,141
Bird shot, and then after that,
gun's Jamaican.

764
00:49:38,225 --> 00:49:39,726
Buckshot, buckshot, buckshot.

765
00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:48,902
But you gotta picture it. Okay, like,
say I'm in bed and I'm sleepin',

766
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:51,238
and suddenly, my wife wakes me up.

767
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:53,281
"David. David, wake up!"

768
00:49:53,699 --> 00:49:55,158
And I'm like, "Uh, oh.

769
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:56,868
Look who's come around."

770
00:49:56,952 --> 00:50:00,205
And I pull my dick over the top
of my pajamas.

771
00:50:09,047 --> 00:50:11,800
And she's says, "No, I hear somethin'."

772
00:50:11,883 --> 00:50:13,301
I go, "Oh, this bitch."

773
00:50:13,385 --> 00:50:14,636
So I get up out of bed...

774
00:50:16,471 --> 00:50:18,473
Uh, grab the gun.

775
00:50:19,307 --> 00:50:21,107
I say, "Wait here, baby.
I'll go check it out.

776
00:50:21,184 --> 00:50:22,561
Just lock the door behind me."

777
00:50:24,563 --> 00:50:26,273
Oh, my God, she's right.

778
00:50:26,732 --> 00:50:30,402
Right there in the kitchen
is a heroin-addicted white and...

779
00:50:32,988 --> 00:50:35,657
he's digging through the change jar
by the door.

780
00:50:36,867 --> 00:50:39,286
"I work really hard for that change.
I gotta do something."

781
00:50:39,369 --> 00:50:41,163
So, first, I rack the shotgun.

782
00:50:41,246 --> 00:50:43,123
"Hey, motherfucker!" Click-clack.

783
00:50:44,750 --> 00:50:45,834
That's a test.

784
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,087
That click-clack sound will stop

785
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,758
a rational human being in their tracks.

786
00:50:53,341 --> 00:50:55,677
But, sure enough,
this person is not rational.

787
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:58,096
They're sick on drugs.
They're digging in the change.

788
00:50:59,222 --> 00:51:01,975
I gotta act fast.
This nigga's almost got $1.50.

789
00:51:06,229 --> 00:51:07,564
"I warned you."

790
00:51:07,647 --> 00:51:08,815
Bird shot!

791
00:51:08,899 --> 00:51:10,150
And there it goes.

792
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:15,614
Hot BB's will permeate
his yellow heroin skin.

793
00:51:15,697 --> 00:51:19,159
Remember, I'm not killing him,
I'm just "peppering him up nice."

794
00:51:21,036 --> 00:51:23,205
He lets out a heroin scream.

795
00:51:23,413 --> 00:51:25,415
No!

796
00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:34,007
And that should be the end of it.

797
00:51:34,674 --> 00:51:35,842
But... Uh-oh.

798
00:51:36,259 --> 00:51:37,427
I miscalculated.

799
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,453
While he's on the ground screaming,

800
00:51:39,513 --> 00:51:42,849
I notice that his teeth
are horribly miscolored.

801
00:51:43,725 --> 00:51:45,435
That's not heroin at all, is it?

802
00:51:45,519 --> 00:51:46,728
That's crystal meth.

803
00:51:46,812 --> 00:51:48,855
He pops right back up, unscathed.

804
00:51:54,736 --> 00:51:55,862
Time for the heavy stuff.

805
00:51:55,946 --> 00:51:56,946
Clack-clack.

806
00:51:56,988 --> 00:51:58,323
Buckshot!

807
00:52:00,826 --> 00:52:04,329
And then, if he got a friend with him,
I got one more bird shot left.

808
00:52:04,579 --> 00:52:05,872
And I repeat the cycle.

809
00:52:05,956 --> 00:52:08,416
After that nigga,
it's slugs for everybody.

810
00:52:10,043 --> 00:52:12,754
And I'll be in a kitchen
full of dying heroin addicts,

811
00:52:13,338 --> 00:52:15,423
saying stupid heroin last words.

812
00:52:17,717 --> 00:52:20,095
"You shot me, bro."

813
00:52:21,179 --> 00:52:24,141
"Oh, it hurts, man.

814
00:52:24,432 --> 00:52:25,934
It hurts. Ah."

815
00:52:26,017 --> 00:52:29,146
Their last words are always
the dumbest words, like...

816
00:52:29,521 --> 00:52:30,730
"Why is your dick out?"

817
00:52:45,412 --> 00:52:48,331
I'm just afraid of being attacked.

818
00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:50,417
It happens to the best of us.

819
00:52:50,500 --> 00:52:52,836
Don't ever forget what happened
to that French actor.

820
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:56,214
You know who I'm talking about.

821
00:52:56,298 --> 00:52:59,059
Jussie Smollett, he's a very French...

822
00:52:59,134 --> 00:53:00,886
A very famous French actor.

823
00:53:09,603 --> 00:53:11,521
Y'all never heard of Jussie Smollett?

824
00:53:14,316 --> 00:53:17,360
Jussie Smollett is an actor from France.

825
00:53:25,160 --> 00:53:29,998
A-And he became famous
on a show called <i>Empire.</i>

826
00:53:33,585 --> 00:53:34,585
And one night,

827
00:53:35,295 --> 00:53:37,214
he was in Chicago late at night,

828
00:53:38,340 --> 00:53:39,716
and was the victim...

829
00:53:49,351 --> 00:53:53,730
He was the victim of a racist
and homophobic attack.

830
00:53:53,813 --> 00:53:56,358
You see, Jussie Smollett is...

831
00:53:58,443 --> 00:54:00,654
gay, and he is black,

832
00:54:00,737 --> 00:54:01,947
not just French.

833
00:54:08,328 --> 00:54:09,913
Oh, it was a crazy story.

834
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:13,959
Apparently, when he's walking
down the street late at night,

835
00:54:14,042 --> 00:54:16,169
two white men came out of the shadows,

836
00:54:16,253 --> 00:54:17,462
uh...

837
00:54:17,545 --> 00:54:19,547
with MAGA hats on and beat him up.

838
00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:23,969
Tied a rope around his neck,
called him all kinds of niggas and...

839
00:54:24,052 --> 00:54:25,052
and...

840
00:54:25,262 --> 00:54:27,722
put some bleach on him
and ran off into the night.

841
00:54:29,766 --> 00:54:32,769
This shit was, like, international news.

842
00:54:33,103 --> 00:54:35,230
And everybody was furious,

843
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:36,690
especially in Hollywood.

844
00:54:36,773 --> 00:54:39,442
It's all over everybody's Twitter feed
and Instagram page.

845
00:54:39,526 --> 00:54:41,486
"Justice for Jussie" and all this shit.

846
00:54:46,074 --> 00:54:47,450
The whole country was up in arms.

847
00:54:47,534 --> 00:54:49,454
We was talking about it all the time
on the news,

848
00:54:49,536 --> 00:54:51,246
and... and, for some reason,

849
00:54:51,746 --> 00:54:55,750
uh, African Americans,
we were like oddly quiet.

850
00:54:59,504 --> 00:55:01,464
We were so quiet about this shit

851
00:55:02,257 --> 00:55:05,885
that the gay community started accusing
the African American community

852
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:08,888
of being homophobic
for not supporting him.

853
00:55:08,972 --> 00:55:13,143
But what they didn't understand
is that we were supporting him

854
00:55:13,226 --> 00:55:14,894
with our silence.

855
00:55:16,479 --> 00:55:18,773
Because we understood

856
00:55:19,149 --> 00:55:22,694
that this nigga was clearly lying.

857
00:55:30,493 --> 00:55:34,039
None of these details added up at all.

858
00:55:35,206 --> 00:55:37,292
He said he's walking down the street
in Chicago

859
00:55:37,375 --> 00:55:40,545
and-and, uh, white dudes
come up to him and say,

860
00:55:40,628 --> 00:55:43,965
"Hey, man, aren't you that faggot nigger
from <i>Empire?"</i>

861
00:55:44,215 --> 00:55:45,342
What the fuck?

862
00:55:45,717 --> 00:55:48,261
Does that sound like
how white people talk?

863
00:55:49,971 --> 00:55:52,015
I know white people.
They don't talk like that.

864
00:55:52,098 --> 00:55:55,185
"Are you that faggot nigger from <i>Empire?"</i>
They would never say that.

865
00:55:55,268 --> 00:55:57,062
It sounds like something...

866
00:55:58,063 --> 00:55:59,314
that I would say.

867
00:56:08,406 --> 00:56:10,325
If you're racist and homophobic,

868
00:56:10,408 --> 00:56:13,536
you don't even know who this nigga is.
You can't watch <i>Empire.</i>

869
00:56:19,459 --> 00:56:21,219
Black people never feel sorry
for the police,

870
00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:23,172
but this time,
we even felt sorry for the police.

871
00:56:23,213 --> 00:56:25,799
Can you imagine
if you was a police veteran

872
00:56:25,882 --> 00:56:27,384
taking this kid's police report?

873
00:56:27,467 --> 00:56:30,053
"Okay, Mr. Smollett.
Please, tell me what happened."

874
00:56:31,221 --> 00:56:33,973
"All right, you... 2:00 a.m.

875
00:56:34,307 --> 00:56:37,394
You left the house at 2:00 a.m.
It was minus 16 degrees and...

876
00:56:37,477 --> 00:56:39,062
All right.

877
00:56:41,106 --> 00:56:44,192
You were walking? You were walking.
All right.

878
00:56:48,029 --> 00:56:50,031
And... and where were you going?

879
00:56:51,074 --> 00:56:51,908
Subway?

880
00:56:52,992 --> 00:56:54,202
Sandwiches?

881
00:57:04,337 --> 00:57:05,922
That's when the men approached you?

882
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:07,590
Did you see them? Do you have any...

883
00:57:07,674 --> 00:57:09,134
Okay, what did they have on?

884
00:57:09,467 --> 00:57:10,718
MAGA hats?

885
00:57:11,845 --> 00:57:13,805
MAGA hats on in Chicago?

886
00:57:14,639 --> 00:57:16,099
Excuse me, one second, Mr. Smollett.

887
00:57:16,182 --> 00:57:17,684
Frank, come here for a second.

888
00:57:21,855 --> 00:57:23,982
Find out where Kanye West was last night."

889
00:57:37,454 --> 00:57:39,914
Such a fucking outrageous story.

890
00:57:39,998 --> 00:57:43,001
He said they put a rope around his neck.

891
00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,003
Has anyone here ever been to Chicago?

892
00:57:45,086 --> 00:57:46,086
Yes!

893
00:57:46,337 --> 00:57:48,631
All right. All right,
so you've been there.

894
00:57:48,715 --> 00:57:52,010
Now, tell me, how much rope
do you remember seeing?

895
00:57:53,803 --> 00:57:55,180
Who the fuck is carrying rope?

896
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:57,974
Like, when did you get mugged, nigga,
in 1850?

897
00:57:58,057 --> 00:57:59,809
Who's got rope?

898
00:57:59,893 --> 00:58:01,269
Who's got rope?

899
00:58:06,065 --> 00:58:07,358
Man, that shit was awful.

900
00:58:07,442 --> 00:58:08,860
So, okay.

901
00:58:09,277 --> 00:58:12,071
I'm doing a show somewhere,
and I'm on stage,

902
00:58:12,155 --> 00:58:14,282
and I was a little drunk, you know.

903
00:58:16,034 --> 00:58:18,495
I figured, "Fuck, let me talk
about that nigga a little bit."

904
00:58:18,578 --> 00:58:22,081
I figured it'd be safe, 'cause, you know,
everybody's phones are locked up...

905
00:58:24,876 --> 00:58:27,462
And I went in on this kid.
I was talking all kinds of shit.

906
00:58:27,545 --> 00:58:29,005
Now, I didn't know

907
00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:32,175
that there was a journalist
in the audience.

908
00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:34,344
And unfortunately for me,

909
00:58:34,761 --> 00:58:35,929
that motherfucker...

910
00:58:37,013 --> 00:58:38,973
took impeccable notes.

911
00:58:43,311 --> 00:58:45,063
He told everybody everything I said.

912
00:58:45,146 --> 00:58:46,946
He was even puttin' the jokes
in the headline.

913
00:58:47,023 --> 00:58:49,734
The headline said, "Dave Chappelle Says

914
00:58:49,817 --> 00:58:53,988
He Wants To Smash A Dollhouse
Over Jussie Smollett's Head."

915
00:59:04,082 --> 00:59:06,209
I thought for sure
when I read that headline, I said,

916
00:59:06,292 --> 00:59:08,461
"Well, that's it for me. I'm canceled."

917
00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:11,798
But lucky for me,

918
00:59:11,881 --> 00:59:13,550
that very same day,

919
00:59:13,633 --> 00:59:17,303
the Chicago police caught
the motherfuckers that actually did it,

920
00:59:17,679 --> 00:59:22,141
and, hilariously,
they were both, uh, Nigerian.

921
00:59:23,393 --> 00:59:26,521
Not only were they not white,
they were very, very black.

922
00:59:26,604 --> 00:59:29,148
They were Nigerian,
which is the funniest shit.

923
00:59:29,232 --> 00:59:31,276
The whole story is funnier now.

924
00:59:31,359 --> 00:59:32,944
"This is MAGA country,

925
00:59:33,027 --> 00:59:35,363
you faggot nigger."

926
00:59:38,491 --> 00:59:40,702
"You faggot nigger."

927
00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:50,169
If... If you're in a group
that I made fun of,

928
00:59:50,253 --> 00:59:53,214
then just know that I probably will only
make fun of you

929
00:59:53,298 --> 00:59:55,008
if I see myself in you.

930
00:59:55,091 --> 00:59:56,968
I make fun of poor white people

931
00:59:57,051 --> 00:59:59,470
because I was once poor.

932
01:00:00,638 --> 01:00:02,432
And I know that the only difference

933
01:00:02,515 --> 01:00:05,476
between a poor black person
and a poor white person

934
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:07,145
is that a poor white person

935
01:00:07,228 --> 01:00:10,315
feels like it's not supposed
to be happening to them.

936
01:00:14,444 --> 01:00:15,695
Yeah!

937
01:00:16,863 --> 01:00:18,531
Everything else is the same.

938
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:21,534
I know what it's like
to have a cold house.

939
01:00:21,618 --> 01:00:25,496
I wasn't allowed to touch the thermostat
growing up without asking my father,

940
01:00:25,580 --> 01:00:27,415
and it would be fuckin' freezing
in the house.

941
01:00:27,498 --> 01:00:30,501
I'd be like, "Dad, please.
Can I please just turn the heat up

942
01:00:30,585 --> 01:00:33,630
to, like, I don't know, 32, nigga?
It's really cold."

943
01:00:38,343 --> 01:00:41,429
And my dad would say,
"Just put more clothes on, David."

944
01:00:42,263 --> 01:00:44,057
"I got all three of my outfits on, nigga.

945
01:00:44,140 --> 01:00:46,267
Will you look at me?
I'm freezing up here."

946
01:00:47,769 --> 01:00:50,647
And he said, "Just don't think
about how cold you are, David."

947
01:00:50,730 --> 01:00:53,066
And I said this. I didn't say it to him,

948
01:00:53,149 --> 01:00:55,318
but I said it in front of him
so he could hear.

949
01:00:55,401 --> 01:00:58,154
I said, "I fuckin' hate being poor."

950
01:00:59,197 --> 01:01:01,199
And my dad got really upset.

951
01:01:01,449 --> 01:01:03,576
He didn't scream or howl.
That wasn't his way.

952
01:01:03,660 --> 01:01:07,413
He just threw his newspaper on the floor,
and he said, "David, David, David.

953
01:01:08,414 --> 01:01:10,708
You are not poor."

954
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:15,046
He said, "Poor is a mentality."

955
01:01:18,007 --> 01:01:23,346
He said, "It's a mentality
that very few people ever recover from.

956
01:01:23,429 --> 01:01:25,098
Don't you forget it, son.

957
01:01:25,390 --> 01:01:27,558
You are broke."

958
01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:37,276
He said, "These are just
financial circumstances

959
01:01:37,360 --> 01:01:40,071
that I hope to overcome
one day very soon."

960
01:01:40,154 --> 01:01:42,615
And I said, "Well, Dad,
whatever you want to call this,

961
01:01:42,699 --> 01:01:44,784
uh, it's wildly uncomfortable."

962
01:01:48,705 --> 01:01:50,766
There was a big dance coming up
in the middle school.

963
01:01:50,790 --> 01:01:53,126
I was 12 years old.
I said, "Dad, can I go to the dance?"

964
01:01:53,209 --> 01:01:54,449
He said, "Of course you can go.

965
01:01:54,502 --> 01:01:56,342
I want you to get out
and meet some more kids."

966
01:01:56,379 --> 01:01:59,507
I said, "Great. Uh, it costs three dollars
to get in."

967
01:01:59,590 --> 01:02:01,509
And my dad said, "Ooh...

968
01:02:03,636 --> 01:02:05,388
Sorry, son, uh...

969
01:02:06,055 --> 01:02:07,056
I don't have it."

970
01:02:07,515 --> 01:02:12,186
I was like, "What the fuck?
You don't have three dollars?

971
01:02:13,187 --> 01:02:15,106
Well, then, how are we alive, Dad?

972
01:02:20,236 --> 01:02:22,613
Wish I found some way
out of this hell!

973
01:02:23,030 --> 01:02:24,490
I'd do anything to not be poor.

974
01:02:24,574 --> 01:02:27,869
I will show Michael Jackson my anus
if I get a chance.

975
01:02:29,036 --> 01:02:30,872
I just gotta get out of this hell."

976
01:02:35,251 --> 01:02:38,421
Dad said, "If you want to go to the dance
bad enough, I'll tell you what.

977
01:02:38,504 --> 01:02:41,591
There's some money in the change jar,
get the money from there."

978
01:02:41,674 --> 01:02:43,217
I was 12 years old. That's what I did.

979
01:02:43,301 --> 01:02:44,677
I showed up to the dance early.

980
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,721
There's a long line of kids
waiting behind me

981
01:02:46,804 --> 01:02:50,308
while I'm at the door, trying to count out
300 pennies to get inside.

982
01:02:50,683 --> 01:02:54,479
I will never forget this shit
as long as I fuckin' live.

983
01:02:54,562 --> 01:02:57,398
Oh, man, you know. If you've been poor,
you know what that feels like.

984
01:02:57,482 --> 01:02:58,775
You ashamed all the time.

985
01:02:58,858 --> 01:03:00,151
Feels like it's your fault.

986
01:03:00,234 --> 01:03:02,403
And all them kids was laughing,
"Ha, ha, ha,

987
01:03:02,487 --> 01:03:03,807
look how poor Dave Chappelle is."

988
01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:04,863
Oh.

989
01:03:05,239 --> 01:03:06,449
Like, when I think back at it,

990
01:03:06,532 --> 01:03:10,328
that was really the only time in my life
that I ever thought to myself,

991
01:03:11,245 --> 01:03:13,790
"I should kill everybody at school."

992
01:03:20,254 --> 01:03:21,964
Thank you very much, everybody,

993
01:03:22,048 --> 01:03:23,048
and good night.

994
01:03:26,302 --> 01:03:28,471
<i>♪ Got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA ♪</i>

995
01:03:28,554 --> 01:03:31,682
<i>♪ Got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA ♪</i>

996
01:03:31,766 --> 01:03:35,394
<i>♪ I got loyalty, got royalty
Inside my DNA ♪</i>

997
01:03:35,478 --> 01:03:37,688
<i>♪ I got...
This is my heritage, all I'm inheritin' ♪</i>

998
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:39,982
<i>♪ Money and power
The makin' of marriages ♪</i>

999
01:03:40,066 --> 01:03:41,066
<i>♪ Tell me somethin' ♪</i>

1000
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:42,860
<i>♪ You motherfuckers
Can't tell me nothin' ♪</i>

1001
01:03:42,944 --> 01:03:44,737
<i>♪ I'd rather die than to listen to you ♪</i>

1002
01:03:44,821 --> 01:03:46,489
<i>♪ My DNA not for imitation ♪</i>

1003
01:03:46,572 --> 01:03:49,700
<i>♪ Your DNA an abomination
This how it is when you're in the Matrix ♪</i>

1004
01:03:49,784 --> 01:03:51,424
<i>♪ Dodgin' bullets, reapin' what you sow</i> ♪

1005
01:03:51,452 --> 01:03:54,012
♪ <i>Stackin' up the footage
Livin' on the go, sleepin' in a villa ♪</i>

1006
01:03:54,038 --> 01:03:56,040
<i>♪ Sippin' from a Grammy
Walkin' in the buildin' ♪</i>

1007
01:03:56,123 --> 01:03:57,683
<i>♪ Diamond in the ceilin'
Marble floors ♪</i>

1008
01:03:57,708 --> 01:03:59,668
<i>♪ Beach inside the window
Peekin' out the window ♪</i>

1009
01:03:59,710 --> 01:04:02,296
<i>♪ Baby in the pool, Godfather goals
Only Lord knows ♪</i>

1010
01:04:02,380 --> 01:04:04,100
<i>♪ I've been goin' hammer
Dodgin' paparazzi ♪</i>

1011
01:04:04,131 --> 01:04:05,411
<i>♪ Freakin' through the cameras ♪</i>

1012
01:04:05,466 --> 01:04:07,306
<i>♪ Eat at Four Daughters
Brock wearin' sandals ♪</i>

1013
01:04:07,343 --> 01:04:09,011
<i>♪ Yoga on a Monday
Stretchin' to Nirvana ♪</i>

1014
01:04:09,095 --> 01:04:11,015
<i>♪ Watchin' all the snakes
Curvin' all the fakes ♪</i>

1015
01:04:11,055 --> 01:04:14,141
<i>♪ Phone never on, I don't conversate
I don't compromise, I just penetrate ♪</i>

1016
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:18,271
<i>♪ Sex, money, murder, these are the breaks
These are the times, level number nine ♪</i>

1017
01:04:18,354 --> 01:04:21,542
<i>♪ Look up in the sky, ten is on the way
Sentence on the way, killings on the way ♪</i>

1018
01:04:21,566 --> 01:04:23,442
<i>♪ Motherfucker, I got winners on the way ♪</i>

1019
01:04:23,526 --> 01:04:25,326
<i>♪ You ain't shit
Without a body on your belt ♪</i>

1020
01:04:25,361 --> 01:04:27,281
<i>♪ You ain't shit
Without a ticket on your plate ♪</i>

1021
01:04:27,363 --> 01:04:29,243
<i>♪ You ain't sick enough
To pull it on yourself ♪</i>

1022
01:04:29,282 --> 01:04:31,242
<i>♪ You ain't rich enough
To hit the lot and skate ♪</i>

1023
01:04:31,284 --> 01:04:33,077
<i>♪ Tell me when destruction
Gonna be my fate ♪</i>

1024
01:04:33,160 --> 01:04:34,829
<i>♪ Gonna be your fate
Gonna be our faith ♪</i>

1025
01:04:34,912 --> 01:04:36,622
<i>♪ Peace to the world, let it rotate ♪</i>

1026
01:04:36,706 --> 01:04:38,416
<i>♪ Sex, money, murder, our DNA ♪</i>

1027
01:04:54,682 --> 01:04:55,808
<i>♪ Mommy ♪</i>

1028
01:04:57,685 --> 01:04:59,437
<i>♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪</i>

1029
01:05:02,773 --> 01:05:03,941
<i>♪ Mommy ♪</i>

1030
01:05:05,818 --> 01:05:07,570
<i>♪ Why does everybody have a bomb? ♪</i>

1031
01:05:11,407 --> 01:05:12,408
<i>By the way...</i>

1032
01:05:12,950 --> 01:05:14,702
<i>Vanglorious!</i>

1033
01:05:14,785 --> 01:05:16,621
<i>This is protected</i>

1034
01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:20,625
<i>by the red, the black, and the green,</i>

1035
01:05:20,791 --> 01:05:22,460
<i>at the crossroad,</i>

1036
01:05:22,543 --> 01:05:23,961
<i>with a key,</i>

1037
01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:26,047
<i>sissy!</i>